Author: June
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Featuring: Drunk!Draco, a Wandering Trio, Voldemort, a Feline-Frog, and Discworld's Death.
Notes: Was done in a very short time, for a challenge ^^
~*~
Harry Potter & The No Slash Fanfic / June
Draco was sitting in a room. The room was spinning. Draco was sitting in a spinning room, he looked around at the walls, they were all covered in mayonnaise for some unknown reason. He took a sip out of the bottle in his hand, and started grinning devilishly.
"One day I shall rule the world! Mwahahahaha!" he said, and then passed out on the floor.
~*~*~*~*~*~
In a totally different room, which was called The Library were the Gryffindor trio - Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. They were very much unaware of the Draco sitting in a totally different room, which was not The Library. They were participating in the Not At All Boring activity of searching books.
Harry was holding in his hands a pile of books containing: How To Save The World In 16 Easy Stapes; Slaying Dragons: A User's Guide; Saving Damsels in Distress - When Worst Comes to Worst, and of course the all time Best Seller - What To Do When An Evil Dark Overlord Has Killed Everyone You Ever Loved?
"Hermione," Harry said in a tired tone. "Don't you think we've researched enough for one night?"
"No Harry!" said Hemione. "You've got to save the world! Kill Voldemort! Save Ginny! So much to do, so much to do..."
"Um, Hermione," Harry said sheepishly. "Ginny is Right Here!" he pointed at the red-headed girl curled out in a ball at the corner of The Library.
"Well, don't mind you, we'll find someone else to save!" said Hermione enthusiastically, dragging Harry and Ron to a table. She Drew a few scrolls out of her bag and put them on the table. "I made diagrams," she said conversationally.
Harry looked at the diagrams - one was showing him, Harry, pointing his wand at Voldemort and shouting "Avada Kedabra!", and Voldemort falling. The other diagram was showing Luna Lovegood screaming 'Help! Somebody save me!', and a dragon standing in front of her. And Then Harry coming with a fork and killing the dragon, and then Luna saying 'Harry, you're my hero!', and then Harry and Luna kissing. Harry will have to have a very serious talk with Hermione, but not right now.
"Um," he said looking at Ron, who gave him an encouraging nod. "'Mione, don't you think you're exaggerating, just a tiny bit?" he said, uncertainly.
"Exaggerating?! I'm not Exaggerating! We have a world to save!"
"Err, ok."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, at an Unknown Place stood Voldemort facing his Death Eaters.
"Death Eaters," he looked at them all. "I have great news! Tonight, after 50 years of trying, we finally have accomplished what we have been longing for. Tonight, I am proud to introduce you all to-"
He clicked a switch. A neon light lit, and then flickered, and then went dead.
"Darn."
~*~*~*~*~*~
In the room where Draco was now lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, there was silence, except for Draco's continues mumbling -
"...and then when I'll rule the world and everyone will worship me, I will kill little bunnies, and then I shall demolish Harry Potter. And then I'll have everything blue colored in orange, just because I can!"
Draco laughed evilly for 5 minuets.
"But I wonder where can I get pink speckled zebras," he looked around questioningly.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"And finally," Hermione said, after an hour of telling Harry and Ron all of her planes to save the world for the last two hours (although the world didn't need saving at the moment, thank you very much.) "My last plane is that use this deodorant, this ketchup bottle, and this wire," she pointed every item standing on the table. "To penetrate into Voldemort's headquarters, and we'll defeat him using only these pair of underpants, and a candlestick."
Ron gave Hermione a funny look, and then sighed deeply. "That was great, Hermione!" he said. "Now can I finally go to sleep?"
On the table stood a pair of potatoes, a toothbrush, a ketchup bottle, a snow glob, a bunny, hair gel, deodorant, three cigarettes, some fudge, a pair of underpants, a bottle of red nail polish, a wire, a candlestick, a newspaper, some wool, two hippogriff eggs, a doorknob, a golf ball and a cork. All of these were parts of Hermione's planes to defeat Lord Voldemort.
'Very very long, and very serious talk with Hermione,' Harry thought to himself.
"No!" said Hermone, "we still need to go through every specific detail of every single one of my planes. The night is still young, Ron!"
"Well," said Ron, thinking of a way to Get Out Of There. "I'll go and find some more useful books," he raised out of his chair and disappeared between the aisles.
He drew out a random book, and opened it.
"Leave me alone you ugly freckle-face!" shouted the book at Ron. "You little twit, you! You smell like hippogriff poo! Your mother eats flubberworms! Your father looks like a dragon's behind! Your face looks like a plank full of nails! You cowered dragon puss! You-"
Ron shut the book, and looked at the cover - The Book That Insults You Whenever You Open It. 'Typical,' he thought, throwing the book away. He picked out another book, titled: Easy Spells To Work Out Your Problems, When Your Best Friend Is A World-Saving Hero, And You Feel Like You're Living In His Shadow, And You're In Love With Your Other Best Friend And Don't Know How To Tell Her.
'This looks nice,' he thought, 'and oddly specific...'
~*~*~*~*~*~
Back in the Unknown Place:
"Let's try that again," said Voldemortm clicking the switch again. The neon light lit again, and stayed lit. It said Volddie's Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant.
The Death Eaters cheered.
"Hush! Hush Death Eaters!" Voldemort said. "We have now accomplished our long-time goal, and opened a Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant! We can stop killing Muggles and small furry animals, and devote our life to the Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant Business." He shed a tear, and mumbled, "Now I can die Happy."
They all entered the Bar-Restaurant, which was decorated with red heart shaped cushions, and the Dark Mark on every wall, and a giant Disco Ball hanging out of the ceiling.
Music started to play and Lucius Malfoy got on the stage and started to sing -
"I've got the power!
I've got the power!
Like the crack of the whip I snap attack
Front to back in this thing called rap
Dig it like a shovel rhyme devil
On a heavenly level
Bang the bass turn up the treble*"
*(Snap - The Power)
~*~*~*~*~*~
In the darkest corners of the universe, the deepest shadows, the land beyond the boundaries of time and space stood the Grim Reaper. He was looking at his reflection in a mirror. There was a small kitten at his foot, it purred.
YES, I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING TONIGHT, told Death to the cat.
"Mew?" said the cat.
Death sraightened what would have been his eyebrows, if he had ones, with a bony finger, then petted the cat.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Draco was still in the room mentioned before. He hadn't anything highly interesting at the time we didn't see him, because if he had done anything, we would have seen him doing it. (That's right.) The room wasn't spinning anymore, but Draco was. He was standing in the middle of the room, and spinning, doing what sounded like a watermelon screaming, but was actually a drunken laughter.
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he was screaming, laughing until he fell to the floor, and still laughing then.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry and Ron finally got Hermione to stop with the nonsense for that night and go to sleep. They were passing through a corridor when they heard the most terrifying voice.
"Is that a watermelon screaming?" asked Ron frantically.
They ran to the source of the sound, opened the door, and saw-"
"Malfoy?!" asked Ron astounded. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?"
"Fiiiiiiiiiiirewhisky?" offered Draco with a smile, lifting his bottle to show the trio. He was lying down at the floor again, staring at the ceiling.
"Malfoy," Harry talked like one would talk to a retarded person. "Why are you staring at the ceiling?"
"'Cause," said Draco, as if this were obvious. "I'm trying to understand why there are House Eleves dangling from the ceiling."
"Malfoy, you're drunk!" said Harry, looking at the ceiling. "There are no House Elves dangling from the ceiling!"
"Yes there are," Draco said. "They're right there!" he pointed.
"Those are Animal Shaped Balloons," said Hermione knowingly.
"Yes," agreed Ron.
"Nooooo...." said Draco, smiling stupidly. "Why would there be Animal Shaped Balloons dangling from the ceiling?"
"I dunno," answered Ron. "Is it your birthday?"
"I don' ting... ting-thing. I don't thing so!" Draco said.
"Malfoy, gimmi the bottle," said Harry.
"Wha'?!"
"Gimmi the bottle."
"No Potter, get your own bottle, this one is mine!"
"You're drunk, Malfoy, you should stop with the Firewhisky. Tomorrow you'll have a serious hangover."
"No."
"Ok, be a child! Have it your way..."
"I am Draco Malfoy, The Decapitated Chicken!"
~*~*~*~*~*~
Death straightened his cloak, the shinning pinpoints of blue fire in the depths of his eye sockets, which were what you could call eyes, scanned his reflection once more, and grabbed his best scythe. He moved toward the door, stopped only to pet the kitten once more, and then disappeared through it.
"Mew?"
~*~*~*~*~*~
Voldemort looked at everything around him. There were already costumers at the Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant. They were all drinking, and singing, and eating Turtle-Soup.
"Ah," he sighed. "This is the life!"
Then suddenly he heard his favorite song playing, and he ran to the stage, and started to sing loudly -
"Baby look at me
And tell me, what do you see?
You ain't seen the best of me yet
Give me time I'll make you forget the rest
I got more in me
And you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hands
Don't you know who I am
Remember my name
Fame
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly
High
I feel it coming together
People will see me and die
Fame
I'm gonna make it to heaven (or to hell)
Light up the sky with a flame
Fame
I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name*"
*(The Theam song of "Fame")
And the crowd went nuts.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Suddenly a wild feline-frog hopped into the room where the trio and Draco were, arguing who could win in a fight - Dumbledore or Superman?
"Ohhh!" said Draco, sipping from his bottle again. "Look at the cute froggy! Come here buddy. That's right, here." The feline-frog jumped right into Malfoy's lap. Hermione shrieked, and looked revolted.
"Eww!" she said. "Repulsive!"
Draco petted the little creatur, when all of a sudden they heard another shriek. "Ouch!" Draco yelled. "It bit me! The little bugger bit my finger! I'm going to die now! I'll lose a lot of blood, and then my finger will fall out, and it will be all greenish, and eeky! Do something!" he shouted at Harry.
Harry looked at the frog, which was making it's escape through the doorway, and ran after it.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Death looked around him, he could smell Turtle-Soup. He walked through the crowed until he reached the one in the black cloak, and the white face, and red eyes, standing behind the bar.
"You," said Voldemort.
ME.
"What is it that you want?"
RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE 'SEX ON THE BEACH', LATER I WILL COLLECT WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.
"You can't collect my soul," said Voldemort calmly, pouring Death Sex On The Beach. "A. Because I don't have a soul, and B. Because I'm not dead, and I never Will be!" he pulled out his tongue and made a raspberry noise. "Enjoy your Sex On The Beach."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry ran after the frog, and captured it with a fork.
"Reeeeeeeeeee!" the frog squeaked, and then died slowly and painfully.
Harry made his way to return to the room, but noticed that he was nowhere near the room. He was actually 1000 miles away from the room.
"Froggy, I think we're not in Hogwarts anymore," he said, and walked into the place he was standing in front of - Volddie's Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant.
Inside the Bar-Restaurant were a lot of people, being served by a bunch of Death Eaters. 'My God,' Harry thought, walking to the Bar.
"Bartender, give me a Bloody Marry," he said. The Bartender, who was conversing with a tall thin guy in a cloak, looked at Harry's way. "Voldemort!" he shrieked. "OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!"
Harry pulled everything he could find, out of his pockets, which was - a gum, a candlestick, fudge, and a pair of underpants. And he still had the forked feline-frog in his hand. Thinking really fast he stuck the fork into Voldemort's hand, which made him Scream Like A Schoolgirl. Then he force-fed him the underpants, smothered fudge all over his face, hit him hard on the face with the candlestick, and chewed the gum.
"Ouch!" said Voldemort, feeling his nose. "I think you broke my nose, you stupid git!"
"Oh, shut up already," said Harry, and threw the frog on him.
"Oh no!" said Volddie. "Not the frog!! Nooooo!"
YES! Said Death, YOU'RE FINALLY MINE!
"No I can't die! I can't!"
YOU WERE JUST POSTPONING THE INEVITABLE.
"Noooooo!"
Death swished his scythe through Voldemort's neck, and disappeared with his un-soul.
"Harry! Harry!" shouted Hermione from behind him. Harry turned around and saw her, Ron, and Malfoy coming from the dance floor. Hermione hugged him tightly. "You finally did it! You Defeted Voldemort! You Saved The Day! You even killed the stupid frog! And I would have never thought of using a gum, a candlestick, fudge, a pair of underpants, a fork, and a frog!"
"Err, sure."
"You're my hero!"
"Right."
Somebody in the background was singing in the Karaoke -
"Hey I saved the world today
And everybody's happy now
The bad thing's gone away..."*
*(Eurythmics - I Saved The World Today)
And so ends our lovely story about a lot of crazy people.
~The End~