Title: Trying Normal Chapter 8
Author: UConn Fan (Michele)
E-Mail: LoveUConnBasketball@yahoo.com
Story Summary: "Can I be normal?"
He shrugged, "what does normal mean anyway? You can be happy though, and that's about as close to normal as anyone can hope for." (Sequel to "Coming to Terms")
DISCLAIMER: I don't own ANY of these characters; they belong to Bad Robot, ABC, and the brilliant J.J. Abrams. Nor do I own anything remotely recognizable.
A/N: Some much belated, much needed fluff. Or at least as close to fluff as I get.
The remainder of the summer passed uneventfully. As Michael had predicted, nothing came from the miniscule leads they had on whatever Arvin Sloane had been hoping to establish. Sydney began to discover little things she enjoyed about married life. One thing that surprised her was how he'd go out of his way to buy the expensive, hard-to-find shampoo she loved. In the dark of night she loved the opportunity to cuddle up next to his warm body instead of the pillow she was accustomed to. When she was unable to sleep she'd lay in the darkness, using a feather-light touch to trace over his skin, the tattoo on his upper arm, the slight bump in his nose or the light crows feet by his eyes.
In the three and a half months since the Alliance had finally collapsed, she did that a lot, study the sleeping forms of the ones she loved. One unexpected side effect of the spy life was her nightmares. On the rare occasion that she was allowed to slip into a deep sleep, brutal images would haunt her and wake her with a cold sweat. Silently she'd slip out of his arms, assured that he was okay before she tiptoed in to check on Jackie. Her better judgement won over and she'd just stand there, watching the tiny innocent sleep. Occasionally she'd slip out onto the porch, watching the views, searching for peace.
It was one such night when despite the air conditioning the air felt stiff with summer, and Michael rolled over to find the bed empty. He rose from the bed and sidestepped Donovan's sleeping form. In the dark kitchen her form was visible, her back to him as she sat at the kitchen table. With a low sigh he wiped his nose and obtained a glass, quickly filling it with cold tap water. Visibly surprised at his presence, she murmured a thank you and accepted the drink.
"This can't keep up Syd," he whispered. "You don't sleep anymore. Jackie sleeps through the night but you don't. It's been months, there are no leads… yet you still can't sleep," he softly concluded. Mindful of the sleeping infant, he pulled out a chair and sat down next to her. "You know I'm on your side… I've been thinking a lot about this, and I know you won't like it, but I think maybe you should go see Barnett."
"I can't sleep and your answer is the company shrink? Maybe I've just been drinking too much coffee," she suggested.
"You're still breast feeding, you've been drinking decaf. Even if you weren't, caffeine doesn't give nightmares."
Her head shook as she sipped the water. "I can't go see her. I can't sit there and listen to her deconstruct me."
"It's her job Syd. Maybe she can help you in ways that I can't," he suggested helplessly.
Brown quickly locked with green, "I wouldn't be here without you."
"Maybe I'm too close to this to help you," he continued. "You can't leave it like this. This is going to stay unless you attack it."
"I don't want to go back to that part of my life," she explained. "I don't want to think about it."
"But Sydney isn't that what you're doing right now?" he urged, the use of her full name roping in his desired audience. "Isn't that what you do, sit here at night and think about it? What purpose does it serve?"
With a mischievous smile she turned towards him. "Before," she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, "before everything, before we ever got together… When I couldn't sleep at night, I'd sit here and think about you. That got us here, didn't it?" she teased.
"Syd," he sighed and captured her hands. "That life, SD-6 and the Alliance… That's behind both of us now. You can't go back and alter how things turned out. You need to get past this, to do whatever you have to so you can live your life. Jackie and I need you to," he urged.
Briefly she considered their married life. The baths they'd share when Jackie was safe in bed, or the afternoon naps all three would enjoy on lazy weekend afternoons. There was nothing urgent or rushed anymore. Certainly they did have their bad days, when their personalities would brush against one another in the wrong manner. On those days he'd retire to the living room for the evening, watching hockey while she caught up on reading to Jackie. By the time they re-met in the bedroom, they'd come to their senses and generally managed to talk things out. Still, for the first time in her life she was allowed to put the people she loved most, first in her life. No matter how much she'd loved her friends, it didn't compare to the love she had for her husband and daughter. In Michael she had someone she wanted to impress for the first time since her childhood; by disappointing him, she'd be hurting herself. With Jackie she had someone she wanted to give the world to, someone she wanted to dedicate all of herself to whole-heartedly. If they needed something, she knew she was helpless but to do her best to give it to them.
"I'm really not Barnett's biggest fan," she sighed. "I'll see her though."
"Only one time Syd, if it doesn't help I won't bring it up again."
"You'll call tomorrow?" she asked as he nodded.
"I'll take care of it," he promised as he quickly kissed her. He stood to his feet and gently tugged her along with him. They returned to the bedroom, Sydney finally falling into a steady sleep under her husband's steady gaze.
Doctor Barnett was eager to begin dissecting Sydney. To the younger woman's amazement, the psychiatrist was almost friendly in demeanor and less accusatory in the nature of her questions. They discussed her daughter, her husband and the origin of her nightmares. Obviously her biggest fear still lay in the late Arvin Sloane. One thing espionage had taught her was that nothing was certain, and in her haze of nightmares that had included his death.
Fear had been a weakness in her life for such a drawn out period that it was a struggle to admit such things to herself, nevermind to Doctor Barnett. Still, she was a patient listener, asking just the right questions at the right times. Even with her skilled poker face it was obvious what Sydney was afraid of. It was the same thing she'd been afraid of from the moment she'd found out she was pregnant, from the second she'd unwillingly fallen in love with Michael Vaughn. The biggest risk of falling in love, the scariest prospect when you've finally reached your goal, was losing it all.
Given all that Sydney Bristow had accomplished in what would one day be considered a legendary career, it was difficult to imagine that someone of small stature, nevermind someone under six feet, could be her biggest demon. Still, Doctor Barnett was a mother and wife herself and knew that the emotions attached to such life roles had very little to do with logic. In Sydney's subconscious Arvin Sloane was still larger than life, looming over her in his promise of terror. The nightmares would take her back to SD-6, back to clandestine meetings and the constant threat of danger. Nearly all ended in the loss of her husband or daughter. More often than not, the nightmares ended in the painful loss of both.
The fears were unfounded but certainly understandable. Dr. Barnett had worked with former soldiers who still had nightmares of the fears that accompanied them in Vietnam, decades after they'd last set foot in the country. Psychological terror had been Sloane's strongest poison, and it wasn't easily dripped from Sydney's system. During the course of her session she struggled to relay her nightmares and her fears and listened to the doctor's trained opinion. Surprisingly, the doctor offered suggestions to Sydney on how to cope with what she was feeling; tactics to push through the wave of emotions that only she could navigate. Her days of compartmentalizing appeared to be over.
No matter how much he tried to maneuver his schedule that day, Michael was unable to meet his wife for lunch at the CIA's meager eatery. By the time he stepped foot inside their house that evening, he was eager to hear what had happened. Donovan scampered quietly over the living room carpet and licked his hand in greeting. The dog then turned around and disappeared towards the back of the house. In the silence of the house he heard his shoes shuffle over the carpet. Tiredly he dropped his briefcase onto the sofa and began to loosen his tie as he approached the bedrooms.
An unfamiliar voice stopped him as he neared the nursery door. Donovan had carelessly slipped back into the room through the small opening. Quietly he approached the door, trying to process the unfamiliar, croaking voice that came from the bedroom. Finally a smile crept across his face as he recognized the voice was not so much a person as a thing. Kermit the Frog, to be precise, and the puppet's rendition of "The Rainbow Connection". If he strained to listen he could even detect Sydney's soft voice singing underneath the famous frog.
The creak that emerged when he opened the door slightly went unnoticed by his wife. Unaware of his attention, Sydney sat in the nursery rocker, Jackie poised on her lap. With big green eyes and a toothless smile, their daughter was even more enthralled than he was by her mother's smile and singing. Pure joy was drawn across Sydney's face, and it was matched on their daughter's _expression. When both Sydney and Kermit finished their song about the lovers and the dreamers, the young mother kissed her daughter's tiny hands and clapped them together as they shared the same smile.
"Syd," he called softly as she turned towards him. For a moment her soft smile evaporated and her long hand reached out to turn down the music. At roughly five months post partum, in her black slacks and the Kings jersey he'd outgrown years ago, it was hard to believe she'd ever been pregnant, sans a few new curves on her figure. On her mother's lap, Jackie was quickly growing disinterested in her parents' conversation, instead, fascinated by the bubbles she had learned how to make. An endless choir of bubbles could be heard throughout the nursery for days on end as she worked to perfect her newest amusement.
"I never told you this, but when I was pregnant with Jackie, I used to run all these scenarios through my head," she whispered. For a brief moment the bubbles stopped as the baby looked at her mother, having recognized her own name before she collapsed against her mother in exhaustion. "These completely improbable situations, things you and I would never do. That we'd leave the CIA and SD-6 behind us and just run from it all… Spend our entire lives looking over our shoulders. Dishonoring our government, but we'd at least be together with our baby. All because of the nightmare Arvin Sloane had made my life into," she sighed. "That man's dead now, and the only regrets I have about that are that Emily's in pain and that I didn't get to pull the trigger."
Fully confused he approached the rocker, squatting down in front of his family. "What happened today with Barnett Syd?"
"We talked. Well, I talked," Sydney corrected. "This weekend I'm going to start going back to the gym. I have so much frustration left… What better place to work it out than the gym?"
"What did she say?"
"I'm not insane," she laughed. "It was nothing I didn't already know Mike. I've been so lucky since everything ended; I ignored that not everything was over, not in my mind at least. He was a bastard and I can't get what he took from me back. At the same time I can't let him control my life anymore. I can't forget I ever knew him, but he already had enough years of my life. It's mine now."
A smile crossed his face as he reached over to grasp his daughter's tiny hand. "It's over now Syd, you don't need to be afraid anymore."
"I know," Sydney conceded, a smile on her own features when she watched father and daughter interact. "It's not something I'm going to just get over, but I am going to work past it," she resolved.
Michael swiftly turned his head to look at her, a smile of honest pride on his face. "I love you."
"I love you too," she kissed him. Then she pulled to her feet, the baby still cuddled close to her as he reached his own height. "I'm going to go take a bath."
"What, I don't get to come too?" he teased.
At the doorway she turned around to look at him, "I'm taking a bath with Jackie. Can you turn the stove on? Everything is in there already."
"Sure," he agreed. "Go take a bath, I'll bring you both some clean clothes."
As she approached the bathroom she called over her shoulder, "Hey, stick Donovan in the yard and he needs to be fed -"
"Go take a bath Syd!" he cut her off. A moment later he heard the bathroom door shut as he chuckled and got busy.
Autumn fully descended upon California in the passing weeks. On the evening before Halloween, Jackie was left with her grandfather for the evening as her parents went to the Kings' opening game of the season. When they left, their daughter had been wide-awake, crying as they left and donning the Kings onesie that her father had cautiously dressed her in that day. By the time they arrived back to the house to relieve Jack from his babysitting duties, Jackie was zonked out on the sofa. The most noticeable change, however, was that during the course of their absence, Jack had changed her out of the onesie and into an adorable bumblebee costume. He'd only taken a moment to explain. The next day was, after all, her very first Halloween.
Jackie the bumblebee was the center of attention at the Vaughn Halloween gathering the following day. Francie, Will, Charlie and Jennie all arrived for the evening. Jack surprised them all when he arrived shortly before sunset, taking his granddaughter into his arms and softly speaking to his little bumblebee. The love that the baby had towards her grandfather was obvious as she giggled and rested safely against him, and the gentle nature Jack Bristow demonstrated towards the baby was something they all still struggled to grow accustomed to.
More surprisingly, Jack stayed to partake in some male bonding. The men camped out in the living room, watching the first Lakers game of the season while the women relaxed on the porch. Francie not only gushed over little Jackie, but over every child that came for candy. The quantity of children in her new neighborhood was a pleasant surprise to Sydney, and she even discovered a new playground from one of the many mothers. In between tending to Jackie, who amused herself nicely in her car seat carrier, and dishing out candy to the children, the three women discussed the upcoming wedding. Will and Jennie had decided to be wed in early February, a small affair, and once again Francie's restaurant would be the reception location. It was already shaping up to be a busy year.
With nearly half a dozen invitations, Michael always wondered how they managed to spend their first Thanksgiving quietly with just Jack as their guest. Jennie and Will were hosting their first holiday, and Francie and Charlie were hosting something special at the restaurant. The obligatory invitation came in from the Dixons and Brigitte had suggested they come up for the holiday. None of that had appealed to either Sydney or Michael. As kind as their friends were and as much as they loved Brigitte and Michael's family, they anticipated enough family in the upcoming weeks. Jacqueline would only celebrate her first Thanksgiving once. It was seemingly perfect that only her parents and adoring grandfather were around to see her smile and blow raspberries through most of dinner before she fell asleep in her mother's lap, her head lulling down to crash against the mashed potatoes on Sydney's plate.
"Which tree do you like Syd?"
Sydney sighed as they stood surveying the remaining Christmas trees for sale. They'd been in Shasta Lake for a day, settling in the cabin they'd rented for the Christmas Holiday. It had been Jack's suggestion that they escape Los Angeles for the holiday and had even arranged the cabin for them. All around them snow fell, and when they had first pulled in they'd seen skiers heading towards the mountains. Both of their first Christmases had been spent surrounded by snow, so it was only appropriate that Jackie enjoyed the same.
"I think Donovan likes that one," she started to laugh as the dog sniffed a tree and began to pee on it.
"What? Donovan, shit, no." Michael quickly went to stop the dog. Jackie joined in on the laughter as he looked up at the two of them. "Is Daddy being funny?" he asked as he leaned his face close to his laughing daughter. Jacqueline's face was visible over her mother's shoulder as Sydney carried her on her back in the backpack carrier. Absolutely delighted by the snow and her parents, the little girl was using her tiny fingers to point at him. "Daddy being silly?"
"Dada!!" she giggled joyously. "Dadada!!"
"I'm sorry Michael." Sydney composed herself, her smile still as bright and wide as the one resting on her shoulder.
They were both an adorable sight, too endeared to his heart for him to stay mad for long. Sydney wore a heavy suede coat and a black brim hat that rested on her head collecting snowflakes. Their daughter was equally adorable, the navy blue and snowflake-patterned fleece cap covering her head and ears and tied neatly under her chin.
"So should we trust Donovan's instincts?" he smirked.
Sydney started to laugh again as Jackie joined in, unaware of any joke but only wanting to match her mother's laughter. "I'm sorry, I think they're going to make us if we don't."
"At least I won't have to water it tonight," he teased as one of the farmers came over to help him chop down the tree. "So this is our tree?"
"It's our Christmas tree," she agreed. "C'mere Donovan," she called and tugged at the dog's leash as he obediently approached. "Will you be able to carry that?"
"I've got it Syd," Michael assured her as they started walking back to the Jeep.
"It's beautiful out tonight," she said as she glanced up at the sky, the snow continuing to fall.
"Supposed to stay like this for the rest of the week," the farmer informed them as he helped Michael carry the tree to the Jeep. Quickly Sydney slipped their daughter into her car seat as Donovan cuddled up onto the seat next to her. Once she was in the car, the two men made quick work of tying the tree down.
"I haven't had a real Christmas tree since I was a kid," he recalled as he hopped into the driver's seat.
"Really?" Sydney met his eyes in the dim car, a Bing Crosby Christmas carol humming on the radio as he snapped his seatbelt on.
"Single guys don't have much use for real trees Syd. I've been using the small miniature artificial tree since college."
"Christmas isn't Christmas without the smell of pine," she corrected. "Or without walking on pine needles for a month afterwards."
"Real Christmas trees from now on," he promised, taking her hand as he drove up the unfamiliar roads to their rented cabin.
Over the course of the next few days, they decorated the cabin and the tree with the full glory of Christmas. During the days they had taken Jackie outside to introduce her to snow. Sydney sat in a pile of snow, their daughter in her lap as they watched Michael build a small family of snow people with an expert's touch. On the morning of the holiday, a massive pile of presents awaited Jackie. During the parade she sat on the floor, fascinated by the symphony gym her grandfather had sent to her while her parents exchanged their own presents and watched the parade.
They remained in northern California until the second day of January, playing in the snow and enjoying one another's company. Sydney caught up on her reading and Michael spent countless hours playing with his daughter, catching up on all the hours he had missed while he was working. The views from the cabin were breathtaking and the hills were good for sledding. Sydney would hold on tightly to Jackie as Michael would push them down a hill, Donovan barking in anticipation at the summit. Together they'd prepare dinner and continue their daughter's bedtime routine, reading to her, singing to her and then rocking her into slumber. Once Jackie would doze off for the night, he'd build a fire and they'd spend hours talking or silently exploring one another's most delicate areas.
Less than five weeks separated them from Will and Jennie's wedding by the time they arrived back in the southern tip of the state. While the CIA kept Michael busy, wedding preparations kept Sydney on her toes. Every step she helped her friends through made her even more relieved they had gone with a miniscule wedding. Invitations to the rehearsal dinner were sent, and there were appointments to be made and vendors to confirm with. The play/not play list for the DJ was a slight bump in the road for the engaged couple, and it was with Francie and Sydney's help that they finally resolved it. There was still a myriad of little things to shop for and Jennie had yet to decide whether or not she'd change her name to Jennifer Tippin.
Jennie was still pulling long hours at the law firm, which resulted in Sydney spending even later evenings at the restaurant helping Francie and the bride-to-be plan. Towards the end of the day, either Jack or Michael would pick up Jackie, taking her home and going through the evening routine with her. In the midst of seating arrangements, preparing place cards and floral arrangements, Sydney missed her daughter. Her days were long for, The mornings and afternoons spent with Jackie. They'd go to the park or read, play and sing. Everyday Jackie was accomplishing something new, and it nearly brought tears to Sydney's eyes when Jackie pushed to her feet for the very first time. Then the nights would drag on until nearly midnight. There was no pressure from Francie to finish things up quickly - they worked at the restaurant and it would stay open as late as they needed to be there. Still, Sydney didn't have the heart to say no. After all the support they'd given her during her pregnancy and the first month of Jackie's life, the least she could do was help them plan their wedding.
It was a beautiful, slightly warm day in early February when Will married Jennie. Michael and Sydney stood on opposite sides of the altar, both attendants in the wedding. Even in her cream dress and curled hair, Jennie's spotlight managed to be stolen by Jackie. In her pink gingham ruffled sun hat and matching sundress, she was the gem of the party. As swiftly as she'd stolen her grandfather's heart while still a grainy image on an ultrasound, she quickly charmed anyone who came in contact with her. Even at the playground Sydney had noticed how other babies seemed to be drawn to her. She'd immediately decided it was certainly something she'd inherited from Michael.
The reception was low-key and lovely. The bride and groom shared a lovely first dance, having exchanged traditional vows, and the light bounced off their new gold bands as they moved. Sydney smiled and rested against Michael, his arm around her and Jackie asleep against her father's chest as they watched the couple dance and later cut the cake. All of the work in the recent weeks had left her exhausted, and earlier in the day Michael had confessed to Will that he was glad all of the festivities were over. Now all she looked forward to was sleeping in the next morning and a quiet week at home with her daughter.
Sydney settled Jackie down for bed that night by herself as Michael took a quick shower. When he emerged from the shower he could hear her softly singing to the baby. Jackie's current favorite was still "The Rainbow Connection" - the baby could listen to it countless times on the Muppets CD Charlotte had given them. Still, he preferred Sydney's voice any day, and it was always to her mother's soft song that his little girl would fall asleep for the night.
Quickly he checked the score of the Kings game before he retired to their room, Sydney still getting Jackie down for the night. Exhausted, he kept the bedroom lights on low, getting changed into his own pajamas. Purposely he turned off the alarm clock and got into bed. Silently Sydney walked in a few moments later and smiled at him.
Mike watched her slowly undress and search her drawers for pajamas. Allowing his eyes the courtesy of lazily running up and down her body, he smiled before he spoke, "Syd I think you're pregnant."
Her head shot up from her perusal of the drawer. Squinting her eyes, she looked at him carefully, "What?"
Chuckling, he slowly pulled himself out of the bed. Walking towards her, he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Silently he laid his hand on her stomach, starting at the top of her belly button. A smile crossed his features when he felt that her stomach, from the belly button down to the hem of her panties, was slightly curved compared to her usually flat physique. Knowing she was caught off guard by his suggestion, he kissed her temple before repeating his earlier sentiment, "I think you're pregnant."
Sydney rolled her eyes and gently pried herself from his arms. "Mike, I think I'd know before you," she insisted as she slipped on matching pajama bottoms and a top. Yawning, she lay down on the bed, starting to get comfortable as he continued to watch her. "Don't look at me like that," she gently reprimanded as she shut her eyes.
"Like what?" he asked as he walked back over to the bed, sliding in behind her.
"Like you know something that I don't."
"Okay," he appeased her.
"I'm serious Mike," she insisted as his arm wrapped around her waist and he tossed his leg over her hip.
"So am I," he shot back as she arched her back. "Are you okay?"
"Mmhmm," she promised. "Just tired," she assured him. "Love you."
Kissing her cheek he pulled her tighter. "Love you too."
Rolling over a few hours later, Mike was slowly aware that he was alone in bed. The alarm clock on the night table glared back 1:08am. Throwing back the covers he walked barefoot to the nursery. Peeking in he wasn't surprised to find Jackie still sound asleep in her crib, sucking on her thumb as she dreamed. Tip-toeing over to the crib, he kissed his little girl before walking out of the room. Estimating his wife's whereabouts, he walked into the dim kitchen, relieved to find her. She was standing up against the counter, vigorously eating the remainder of the roast beef sub she had made him for lunch the day before.
"Mike?" she asked as she swallowed and looked at him.
"Are you okay Syd?"
Pulling her hair behind her ear, she took another bite. After chewing and swallowing, all while leaving him in agonizing silence, she met his eyes. "I think I'm pregnant."
Despite her sober deliverance of the news, a chuckle escaped him as he walked over towards her. "That's what I said, remember?" he asked as he kissed her forehead.
"Isn't it too soon?"
"Nah," he shook his head and smiled. "Char and I are only eighteen months apart."
"What about my return to work?"
"You weren't planning on going back this fall," he reminded her. "So you'll just add another year to your time off. We've been doing fine."
"I just thought I was overtired from helping Jennie," Sydney sighed, resting her weight against him. His hand was large and warm as it slipped under her shirt, rubbing the tense skin of her back.
"I don't think that's made you feel any better."
"Jackie's not even one year old."
"It's going to be fine Syd," Mike promised, now both of his arms around her. "Hey, we could be wrong, you might not be pregnant," he looked down at her.
"I'll call the doctor Monday."
Author: UConn Fan (Michele)
E-Mail: LoveUConnBasketball@yahoo.com
Story Summary: "Can I be normal?"
He shrugged, "what does normal mean anyway? You can be happy though, and that's about as close to normal as anyone can hope for." (Sequel to "Coming to Terms")
DISCLAIMER: I don't own ANY of these characters; they belong to Bad Robot, ABC, and the brilliant J.J. Abrams. Nor do I own anything remotely recognizable.
A/N: Some much belated, much needed fluff. Or at least as close to fluff as I get.
The remainder of the summer passed uneventfully. As Michael had predicted, nothing came from the miniscule leads they had on whatever Arvin Sloane had been hoping to establish. Sydney began to discover little things she enjoyed about married life. One thing that surprised her was how he'd go out of his way to buy the expensive, hard-to-find shampoo she loved. In the dark of night she loved the opportunity to cuddle up next to his warm body instead of the pillow she was accustomed to. When she was unable to sleep she'd lay in the darkness, using a feather-light touch to trace over his skin, the tattoo on his upper arm, the slight bump in his nose or the light crows feet by his eyes.
In the three and a half months since the Alliance had finally collapsed, she did that a lot, study the sleeping forms of the ones she loved. One unexpected side effect of the spy life was her nightmares. On the rare occasion that she was allowed to slip into a deep sleep, brutal images would haunt her and wake her with a cold sweat. Silently she'd slip out of his arms, assured that he was okay before she tiptoed in to check on Jackie. Her better judgement won over and she'd just stand there, watching the tiny innocent sleep. Occasionally she'd slip out onto the porch, watching the views, searching for peace.
It was one such night when despite the air conditioning the air felt stiff with summer, and Michael rolled over to find the bed empty. He rose from the bed and sidestepped Donovan's sleeping form. In the dark kitchen her form was visible, her back to him as she sat at the kitchen table. With a low sigh he wiped his nose and obtained a glass, quickly filling it with cold tap water. Visibly surprised at his presence, she murmured a thank you and accepted the drink.
"This can't keep up Syd," he whispered. "You don't sleep anymore. Jackie sleeps through the night but you don't. It's been months, there are no leads… yet you still can't sleep," he softly concluded. Mindful of the sleeping infant, he pulled out a chair and sat down next to her. "You know I'm on your side… I've been thinking a lot about this, and I know you won't like it, but I think maybe you should go see Barnett."
"I can't sleep and your answer is the company shrink? Maybe I've just been drinking too much coffee," she suggested.
"You're still breast feeding, you've been drinking decaf. Even if you weren't, caffeine doesn't give nightmares."
Her head shook as she sipped the water. "I can't go see her. I can't sit there and listen to her deconstruct me."
"It's her job Syd. Maybe she can help you in ways that I can't," he suggested helplessly.
Brown quickly locked with green, "I wouldn't be here without you."
"Maybe I'm too close to this to help you," he continued. "You can't leave it like this. This is going to stay unless you attack it."
"I don't want to go back to that part of my life," she explained. "I don't want to think about it."
"But Sydney isn't that what you're doing right now?" he urged, the use of her full name roping in his desired audience. "Isn't that what you do, sit here at night and think about it? What purpose does it serve?"
With a mischievous smile she turned towards him. "Before," she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, "before everything, before we ever got together… When I couldn't sleep at night, I'd sit here and think about you. That got us here, didn't it?" she teased.
"Syd," he sighed and captured her hands. "That life, SD-6 and the Alliance… That's behind both of us now. You can't go back and alter how things turned out. You need to get past this, to do whatever you have to so you can live your life. Jackie and I need you to," he urged.
Briefly she considered their married life. The baths they'd share when Jackie was safe in bed, or the afternoon naps all three would enjoy on lazy weekend afternoons. There was nothing urgent or rushed anymore. Certainly they did have their bad days, when their personalities would brush against one another in the wrong manner. On those days he'd retire to the living room for the evening, watching hockey while she caught up on reading to Jackie. By the time they re-met in the bedroom, they'd come to their senses and generally managed to talk things out. Still, for the first time in her life she was allowed to put the people she loved most, first in her life. No matter how much she'd loved her friends, it didn't compare to the love she had for her husband and daughter. In Michael she had someone she wanted to impress for the first time since her childhood; by disappointing him, she'd be hurting herself. With Jackie she had someone she wanted to give the world to, someone she wanted to dedicate all of herself to whole-heartedly. If they needed something, she knew she was helpless but to do her best to give it to them.
"I'm really not Barnett's biggest fan," she sighed. "I'll see her though."
"Only one time Syd, if it doesn't help I won't bring it up again."
"You'll call tomorrow?" she asked as he nodded.
"I'll take care of it," he promised as he quickly kissed her. He stood to his feet and gently tugged her along with him. They returned to the bedroom, Sydney finally falling into a steady sleep under her husband's steady gaze.
Doctor Barnett was eager to begin dissecting Sydney. To the younger woman's amazement, the psychiatrist was almost friendly in demeanor and less accusatory in the nature of her questions. They discussed her daughter, her husband and the origin of her nightmares. Obviously her biggest fear still lay in the late Arvin Sloane. One thing espionage had taught her was that nothing was certain, and in her haze of nightmares that had included his death.
Fear had been a weakness in her life for such a drawn out period that it was a struggle to admit such things to herself, nevermind to Doctor Barnett. Still, she was a patient listener, asking just the right questions at the right times. Even with her skilled poker face it was obvious what Sydney was afraid of. It was the same thing she'd been afraid of from the moment she'd found out she was pregnant, from the second she'd unwillingly fallen in love with Michael Vaughn. The biggest risk of falling in love, the scariest prospect when you've finally reached your goal, was losing it all.
Given all that Sydney Bristow had accomplished in what would one day be considered a legendary career, it was difficult to imagine that someone of small stature, nevermind someone under six feet, could be her biggest demon. Still, Doctor Barnett was a mother and wife herself and knew that the emotions attached to such life roles had very little to do with logic. In Sydney's subconscious Arvin Sloane was still larger than life, looming over her in his promise of terror. The nightmares would take her back to SD-6, back to clandestine meetings and the constant threat of danger. Nearly all ended in the loss of her husband or daughter. More often than not, the nightmares ended in the painful loss of both.
The fears were unfounded but certainly understandable. Dr. Barnett had worked with former soldiers who still had nightmares of the fears that accompanied them in Vietnam, decades after they'd last set foot in the country. Psychological terror had been Sloane's strongest poison, and it wasn't easily dripped from Sydney's system. During the course of her session she struggled to relay her nightmares and her fears and listened to the doctor's trained opinion. Surprisingly, the doctor offered suggestions to Sydney on how to cope with what she was feeling; tactics to push through the wave of emotions that only she could navigate. Her days of compartmentalizing appeared to be over.
No matter how much he tried to maneuver his schedule that day, Michael was unable to meet his wife for lunch at the CIA's meager eatery. By the time he stepped foot inside their house that evening, he was eager to hear what had happened. Donovan scampered quietly over the living room carpet and licked his hand in greeting. The dog then turned around and disappeared towards the back of the house. In the silence of the house he heard his shoes shuffle over the carpet. Tiredly he dropped his briefcase onto the sofa and began to loosen his tie as he approached the bedrooms.
An unfamiliar voice stopped him as he neared the nursery door. Donovan had carelessly slipped back into the room through the small opening. Quietly he approached the door, trying to process the unfamiliar, croaking voice that came from the bedroom. Finally a smile crept across his face as he recognized the voice was not so much a person as a thing. Kermit the Frog, to be precise, and the puppet's rendition of "The Rainbow Connection". If he strained to listen he could even detect Sydney's soft voice singing underneath the famous frog.
The creak that emerged when he opened the door slightly went unnoticed by his wife. Unaware of his attention, Sydney sat in the nursery rocker, Jackie poised on her lap. With big green eyes and a toothless smile, their daughter was even more enthralled than he was by her mother's smile and singing. Pure joy was drawn across Sydney's face, and it was matched on their daughter's _expression. When both Sydney and Kermit finished their song about the lovers and the dreamers, the young mother kissed her daughter's tiny hands and clapped them together as they shared the same smile.
"Syd," he called softly as she turned towards him. For a moment her soft smile evaporated and her long hand reached out to turn down the music. At roughly five months post partum, in her black slacks and the Kings jersey he'd outgrown years ago, it was hard to believe she'd ever been pregnant, sans a few new curves on her figure. On her mother's lap, Jackie was quickly growing disinterested in her parents' conversation, instead, fascinated by the bubbles she had learned how to make. An endless choir of bubbles could be heard throughout the nursery for days on end as she worked to perfect her newest amusement.
"I never told you this, but when I was pregnant with Jackie, I used to run all these scenarios through my head," she whispered. For a brief moment the bubbles stopped as the baby looked at her mother, having recognized her own name before she collapsed against her mother in exhaustion. "These completely improbable situations, things you and I would never do. That we'd leave the CIA and SD-6 behind us and just run from it all… Spend our entire lives looking over our shoulders. Dishonoring our government, but we'd at least be together with our baby. All because of the nightmare Arvin Sloane had made my life into," she sighed. "That man's dead now, and the only regrets I have about that are that Emily's in pain and that I didn't get to pull the trigger."
Fully confused he approached the rocker, squatting down in front of his family. "What happened today with Barnett Syd?"
"We talked. Well, I talked," Sydney corrected. "This weekend I'm going to start going back to the gym. I have so much frustration left… What better place to work it out than the gym?"
"What did she say?"
"I'm not insane," she laughed. "It was nothing I didn't already know Mike. I've been so lucky since everything ended; I ignored that not everything was over, not in my mind at least. He was a bastard and I can't get what he took from me back. At the same time I can't let him control my life anymore. I can't forget I ever knew him, but he already had enough years of my life. It's mine now."
A smile crossed his face as he reached over to grasp his daughter's tiny hand. "It's over now Syd, you don't need to be afraid anymore."
"I know," Sydney conceded, a smile on her own features when she watched father and daughter interact. "It's not something I'm going to just get over, but I am going to work past it," she resolved.
Michael swiftly turned his head to look at her, a smile of honest pride on his face. "I love you."
"I love you too," she kissed him. Then she pulled to her feet, the baby still cuddled close to her as he reached his own height. "I'm going to go take a bath."
"What, I don't get to come too?" he teased.
At the doorway she turned around to look at him, "I'm taking a bath with Jackie. Can you turn the stove on? Everything is in there already."
"Sure," he agreed. "Go take a bath, I'll bring you both some clean clothes."
As she approached the bathroom she called over her shoulder, "Hey, stick Donovan in the yard and he needs to be fed -"
"Go take a bath Syd!" he cut her off. A moment later he heard the bathroom door shut as he chuckled and got busy.
Autumn fully descended upon California in the passing weeks. On the evening before Halloween, Jackie was left with her grandfather for the evening as her parents went to the Kings' opening game of the season. When they left, their daughter had been wide-awake, crying as they left and donning the Kings onesie that her father had cautiously dressed her in that day. By the time they arrived back to the house to relieve Jack from his babysitting duties, Jackie was zonked out on the sofa. The most noticeable change, however, was that during the course of their absence, Jack had changed her out of the onesie and into an adorable bumblebee costume. He'd only taken a moment to explain. The next day was, after all, her very first Halloween.
Jackie the bumblebee was the center of attention at the Vaughn Halloween gathering the following day. Francie, Will, Charlie and Jennie all arrived for the evening. Jack surprised them all when he arrived shortly before sunset, taking his granddaughter into his arms and softly speaking to his little bumblebee. The love that the baby had towards her grandfather was obvious as she giggled and rested safely against him, and the gentle nature Jack Bristow demonstrated towards the baby was something they all still struggled to grow accustomed to.
More surprisingly, Jack stayed to partake in some male bonding. The men camped out in the living room, watching the first Lakers game of the season while the women relaxed on the porch. Francie not only gushed over little Jackie, but over every child that came for candy. The quantity of children in her new neighborhood was a pleasant surprise to Sydney, and she even discovered a new playground from one of the many mothers. In between tending to Jackie, who amused herself nicely in her car seat carrier, and dishing out candy to the children, the three women discussed the upcoming wedding. Will and Jennie had decided to be wed in early February, a small affair, and once again Francie's restaurant would be the reception location. It was already shaping up to be a busy year.
With nearly half a dozen invitations, Michael always wondered how they managed to spend their first Thanksgiving quietly with just Jack as their guest. Jennie and Will were hosting their first holiday, and Francie and Charlie were hosting something special at the restaurant. The obligatory invitation came in from the Dixons and Brigitte had suggested they come up for the holiday. None of that had appealed to either Sydney or Michael. As kind as their friends were and as much as they loved Brigitte and Michael's family, they anticipated enough family in the upcoming weeks. Jacqueline would only celebrate her first Thanksgiving once. It was seemingly perfect that only her parents and adoring grandfather were around to see her smile and blow raspberries through most of dinner before she fell asleep in her mother's lap, her head lulling down to crash against the mashed potatoes on Sydney's plate.
"Which tree do you like Syd?"
Sydney sighed as they stood surveying the remaining Christmas trees for sale. They'd been in Shasta Lake for a day, settling in the cabin they'd rented for the Christmas Holiday. It had been Jack's suggestion that they escape Los Angeles for the holiday and had even arranged the cabin for them. All around them snow fell, and when they had first pulled in they'd seen skiers heading towards the mountains. Both of their first Christmases had been spent surrounded by snow, so it was only appropriate that Jackie enjoyed the same.
"I think Donovan likes that one," she started to laugh as the dog sniffed a tree and began to pee on it.
"What? Donovan, shit, no." Michael quickly went to stop the dog. Jackie joined in on the laughter as he looked up at the two of them. "Is Daddy being funny?" he asked as he leaned his face close to his laughing daughter. Jacqueline's face was visible over her mother's shoulder as Sydney carried her on her back in the backpack carrier. Absolutely delighted by the snow and her parents, the little girl was using her tiny fingers to point at him. "Daddy being silly?"
"Dada!!" she giggled joyously. "Dadada!!"
"I'm sorry Michael." Sydney composed herself, her smile still as bright and wide as the one resting on her shoulder.
They were both an adorable sight, too endeared to his heart for him to stay mad for long. Sydney wore a heavy suede coat and a black brim hat that rested on her head collecting snowflakes. Their daughter was equally adorable, the navy blue and snowflake-patterned fleece cap covering her head and ears and tied neatly under her chin.
"So should we trust Donovan's instincts?" he smirked.
Sydney started to laugh again as Jackie joined in, unaware of any joke but only wanting to match her mother's laughter. "I'm sorry, I think they're going to make us if we don't."
"At least I won't have to water it tonight," he teased as one of the farmers came over to help him chop down the tree. "So this is our tree?"
"It's our Christmas tree," she agreed. "C'mere Donovan," she called and tugged at the dog's leash as he obediently approached. "Will you be able to carry that?"
"I've got it Syd," Michael assured her as they started walking back to the Jeep.
"It's beautiful out tonight," she said as she glanced up at the sky, the snow continuing to fall.
"Supposed to stay like this for the rest of the week," the farmer informed them as he helped Michael carry the tree to the Jeep. Quickly Sydney slipped their daughter into her car seat as Donovan cuddled up onto the seat next to her. Once she was in the car, the two men made quick work of tying the tree down.
"I haven't had a real Christmas tree since I was a kid," he recalled as he hopped into the driver's seat.
"Really?" Sydney met his eyes in the dim car, a Bing Crosby Christmas carol humming on the radio as he snapped his seatbelt on.
"Single guys don't have much use for real trees Syd. I've been using the small miniature artificial tree since college."
"Christmas isn't Christmas without the smell of pine," she corrected. "Or without walking on pine needles for a month afterwards."
"Real Christmas trees from now on," he promised, taking her hand as he drove up the unfamiliar roads to their rented cabin.
Over the course of the next few days, they decorated the cabin and the tree with the full glory of Christmas. During the days they had taken Jackie outside to introduce her to snow. Sydney sat in a pile of snow, their daughter in her lap as they watched Michael build a small family of snow people with an expert's touch. On the morning of the holiday, a massive pile of presents awaited Jackie. During the parade she sat on the floor, fascinated by the symphony gym her grandfather had sent to her while her parents exchanged their own presents and watched the parade.
They remained in northern California until the second day of January, playing in the snow and enjoying one another's company. Sydney caught up on her reading and Michael spent countless hours playing with his daughter, catching up on all the hours he had missed while he was working. The views from the cabin were breathtaking and the hills were good for sledding. Sydney would hold on tightly to Jackie as Michael would push them down a hill, Donovan barking in anticipation at the summit. Together they'd prepare dinner and continue their daughter's bedtime routine, reading to her, singing to her and then rocking her into slumber. Once Jackie would doze off for the night, he'd build a fire and they'd spend hours talking or silently exploring one another's most delicate areas.
Less than five weeks separated them from Will and Jennie's wedding by the time they arrived back in the southern tip of the state. While the CIA kept Michael busy, wedding preparations kept Sydney on her toes. Every step she helped her friends through made her even more relieved they had gone with a miniscule wedding. Invitations to the rehearsal dinner were sent, and there were appointments to be made and vendors to confirm with. The play/not play list for the DJ was a slight bump in the road for the engaged couple, and it was with Francie and Sydney's help that they finally resolved it. There was still a myriad of little things to shop for and Jennie had yet to decide whether or not she'd change her name to Jennifer Tippin.
Jennie was still pulling long hours at the law firm, which resulted in Sydney spending even later evenings at the restaurant helping Francie and the bride-to-be plan. Towards the end of the day, either Jack or Michael would pick up Jackie, taking her home and going through the evening routine with her. In the midst of seating arrangements, preparing place cards and floral arrangements, Sydney missed her daughter. Her days were long for, The mornings and afternoons spent with Jackie. They'd go to the park or read, play and sing. Everyday Jackie was accomplishing something new, and it nearly brought tears to Sydney's eyes when Jackie pushed to her feet for the very first time. Then the nights would drag on until nearly midnight. There was no pressure from Francie to finish things up quickly - they worked at the restaurant and it would stay open as late as they needed to be there. Still, Sydney didn't have the heart to say no. After all the support they'd given her during her pregnancy and the first month of Jackie's life, the least she could do was help them plan their wedding.
It was a beautiful, slightly warm day in early February when Will married Jennie. Michael and Sydney stood on opposite sides of the altar, both attendants in the wedding. Even in her cream dress and curled hair, Jennie's spotlight managed to be stolen by Jackie. In her pink gingham ruffled sun hat and matching sundress, she was the gem of the party. As swiftly as she'd stolen her grandfather's heart while still a grainy image on an ultrasound, she quickly charmed anyone who came in contact with her. Even at the playground Sydney had noticed how other babies seemed to be drawn to her. She'd immediately decided it was certainly something she'd inherited from Michael.
The reception was low-key and lovely. The bride and groom shared a lovely first dance, having exchanged traditional vows, and the light bounced off their new gold bands as they moved. Sydney smiled and rested against Michael, his arm around her and Jackie asleep against her father's chest as they watched the couple dance and later cut the cake. All of the work in the recent weeks had left her exhausted, and earlier in the day Michael had confessed to Will that he was glad all of the festivities were over. Now all she looked forward to was sleeping in the next morning and a quiet week at home with her daughter.
Sydney settled Jackie down for bed that night by herself as Michael took a quick shower. When he emerged from the shower he could hear her softly singing to the baby. Jackie's current favorite was still "The Rainbow Connection" - the baby could listen to it countless times on the Muppets CD Charlotte had given them. Still, he preferred Sydney's voice any day, and it was always to her mother's soft song that his little girl would fall asleep for the night.
Quickly he checked the score of the Kings game before he retired to their room, Sydney still getting Jackie down for the night. Exhausted, he kept the bedroom lights on low, getting changed into his own pajamas. Purposely he turned off the alarm clock and got into bed. Silently Sydney walked in a few moments later and smiled at him.
Mike watched her slowly undress and search her drawers for pajamas. Allowing his eyes the courtesy of lazily running up and down her body, he smiled before he spoke, "Syd I think you're pregnant."
Her head shot up from her perusal of the drawer. Squinting her eyes, she looked at him carefully, "What?"
Chuckling, he slowly pulled himself out of the bed. Walking towards her, he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Silently he laid his hand on her stomach, starting at the top of her belly button. A smile crossed his features when he felt that her stomach, from the belly button down to the hem of her panties, was slightly curved compared to her usually flat physique. Knowing she was caught off guard by his suggestion, he kissed her temple before repeating his earlier sentiment, "I think you're pregnant."
Sydney rolled her eyes and gently pried herself from his arms. "Mike, I think I'd know before you," she insisted as she slipped on matching pajama bottoms and a top. Yawning, she lay down on the bed, starting to get comfortable as he continued to watch her. "Don't look at me like that," she gently reprimanded as she shut her eyes.
"Like what?" he asked as he walked back over to the bed, sliding in behind her.
"Like you know something that I don't."
"Okay," he appeased her.
"I'm serious Mike," she insisted as his arm wrapped around her waist and he tossed his leg over her hip.
"So am I," he shot back as she arched her back. "Are you okay?"
"Mmhmm," she promised. "Just tired," she assured him. "Love you."
Kissing her cheek he pulled her tighter. "Love you too."
Rolling over a few hours later, Mike was slowly aware that he was alone in bed. The alarm clock on the night table glared back 1:08am. Throwing back the covers he walked barefoot to the nursery. Peeking in he wasn't surprised to find Jackie still sound asleep in her crib, sucking on her thumb as she dreamed. Tip-toeing over to the crib, he kissed his little girl before walking out of the room. Estimating his wife's whereabouts, he walked into the dim kitchen, relieved to find her. She was standing up against the counter, vigorously eating the remainder of the roast beef sub she had made him for lunch the day before.
"Mike?" she asked as she swallowed and looked at him.
"Are you okay Syd?"
Pulling her hair behind her ear, she took another bite. After chewing and swallowing, all while leaving him in agonizing silence, she met his eyes. "I think I'm pregnant."
Despite her sober deliverance of the news, a chuckle escaped him as he walked over towards her. "That's what I said, remember?" he asked as he kissed her forehead.
"Isn't it too soon?"
"Nah," he shook his head and smiled. "Char and I are only eighteen months apart."
"What about my return to work?"
"You weren't planning on going back this fall," he reminded her. "So you'll just add another year to your time off. We've been doing fine."
"I just thought I was overtired from helping Jennie," Sydney sighed, resting her weight against him. His hand was large and warm as it slipped under her shirt, rubbing the tense skin of her back.
"I don't think that's made you feel any better."
"Jackie's not even one year old."
"It's going to be fine Syd," Mike promised, now both of his arms around her. "Hey, we could be wrong, you might not be pregnant," he looked down at her.
"I'll call the doctor Monday."