CHAPTER ELEVEN: CONFESSIONS
After a conversation with Giles ensuring that everything in Sunnydale was still all right, Buffy found herself lying in Angel's bed for the second time in two days. Except this time, Angel was beside her.
"You really felt it leave?" Angel asked.
Buffy nodded. "Scared me half to death," she admitted. "I didn't know what to think. I was terrified that you were dead. Or worse."
"And you found the 'or worse' scenario," Angel said with a wince.
"At least you were in a cage," Buffy said. "That was a relief. Although when Wes told me that you guys had removed your soul on purpose, I was kinda weirded out."
Angel smiled. He'd forgotten how much he'd missed her. He couldn't believe that it had been over a year since he'd last seen her. He wondered what had happened between them after she'd been resurrected. They hadn't been in contact with each other, even though Angel wanted nothing more than to go down to Sunnydale every day and just make sure he hadn't been dreaming of a miracle.
He'd wanted nothing more than to share Connor's birth with Buffy, but he'd been too much of a coward to do it. He hadn't been able to admit that he'd slept with Darla and produced a beautiful son. He hadn't wanted to hurt Buffy with the news that he'd had a child with someone he didn't love. It hadn't seemed right.
They paused in their conversation, and Angel wondered about the best way to bring up the subject.
"Uh…about Connor…"
Buffy smiled and took hold of Angel's hand. "I get why you didn't tell me," she assured him. "And honestly, if it had come from you, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it. As it was I handled it pretty badly when I found out."
He winced and looked at her, wanting her to elaborate. She sighed and drew lazy patterns on his hand with her fingertips, enjoying the feel of him again.
"I was…well, kinda nuts last year. Depressed, moody…suicidal," she admitted.
She dared to look into Angel's eyes and found him looking back at her with so much concern and love that it nearly broke her heart. She'd been so tempted to run to Angel for most of last year, but she'd never been able to bring herself to do it. She knew of his tightly knit family at Angel Investigations, and she hadn't wanted to burden him with her problems. Now, seeing him looking at her like that, she wished that she'd run to him and let her make everything better.
"When I found out about Connor…well, let's just say that the vamps in the demon bar that I was in that night never made it home," Buffy explained.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "For sleeping with Darla."
Buffy shook her head and mimicked Angel's earlier action, bringing his hand to her lips and kissing his fingertips gently.
"Never, ever feel you have to apologise for Connor," Buffy said. "He's beautiful. It's safe to say that the brooding thing is genetic though."
Angel gave a half-hearted smile. He really wished he had a better relationship with his son. Another thought struck him and his eyes darkened. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten about it. After Angelus' two hour rant, Angel was surprised that it wasn't the first thing he'd thought of.
"That thing about Spike," Angel began. He grimaced when he saw Buffy wince. "Please tell me you were just trying to annoy my demon."
Buffy sighed and looked away, unable to meet his eyes. She was ashamed of her actions from the previous year. She hated the way that she'd treated Spike, and the way that she'd treated Dawn and her friends. It hadn't been her most shining year.
"You remember when I said I was kinda suicidal?" Buffy asked quietly, her eyes on their clasped hands rather than on Angel's face. She didn't want to see his disappointment.
"Yes," Angel said, equally as quiet, trying to prompt her to continue.
"Spike was part of that."
Angel felt his heart sink. "You…and Spike?"
Buffy nodded and felt a tear drop from her eyes. "I was…well, the words 'fucked-up' come to mind. And they still fall short of where I was at last year."
Angel felt his heart break. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had had no idea how bad thing shad been for Buffy. She'd seemed to be alright when they'd met after she'd been resurrected. She hadn't seemed to be too out of sorts, and he'd still felt their bond firmly in place. Though now that he thought about it, he could feel the difference. He'd just gone for so long without the bond while she was dead that he hadn't noticed that she'd been feeling so badly.
"Was it so bad?" Angel asked. "Being back? Adjusting?"
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. The nightmares alone were…" she shuddered and tried to push them aside. Ever since everything with the First had come up, she hadn't dreamt of waking up in her coffin every single night. Most nights it alternated between the coffin dream and watching Potentials get hunted down and killed. The worst nights were when she had both dreams combined. "It was bad."
"I remember," Angel whispered. But he'd had Buffy beside him, caring for him, using every spare waking moment to be with him. Why hadn't he done the same for her?
"It was…different," Buffy said quietly. "I mean…you prefer being back here, right?"
Angel nodded, unsure of where she was going.
"Of course I do. Hell was…"
"Painful. Bright, harsh, violent?" Buffy finished for him.
Angel nodded, tears in his eyes at the thought of Buffy knowing what it was like. His perfect happiness at seeing Buffy had been kept at bay by the knowledge that she'd suffered for an indefinite amount of time. She'd been dead for five months, two months more than Angel had been in hell. Angel had just assumed that she'd adjusted to being back far easier than he had.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Angel said.
Buffy took a deep breath and forced herself to look at him, his face blurry as she looked through her tears.
"I'm still going through that."
Angel froze. He tried to process exactly what she had just said, make the words make sense. Was she trying to imply…
"You weren't in hell."
"No."
A tear fell down Angel's cheek. He should have known. He should have known that the second he saw her. She'd been too stable for someone just out of a hell dimension. She'd been a little too calm, though he knew half of it had been façade. But she hadn't seemed too bad.
"You're still…"
"It hurts," she admitted. "A lot less, but…some days it still hurts."
He swallowed hard.
"And where did Spike come into it?"
Buffy sighed. She wasn't sure if she was grateful for the change in topic or not.
"Why did you sleep with Darla?" Buffy asked quietly.
Angel felt his face fall. Suddenly it made sense. The despair he'd felt that had driven him into Darla's arms was probably very similar to what had driven Buffy to Spike. Like with Darla, he knew that she could handle the physicality of his emotions. And he hadn't cared if he'd hurt her, physically or emotionally.
"I get it," he whispered.
"It was never about love," Buffy whispered. "Not on my side."
"Buffy…Spike's not capable of feeling love," Angel said. "Not without a soul."
Buffy sighed. She'd thought long and hard about that. Last year she had argued the same thing over and over again, but now she wasn't so sure.
"Angel…Spike got a soul," she admitted.
Angel's eyes widened. He hadn't been expecting that at all. "What? How? Did he ask Willow to curse him?"
Buffy shook her head. "He went away for a while. To Africa I think. He had to go through a few trials. He wouldn't tell me what they were, just that they made him suffer. And he won his soul back."
Angel couldn't believe what he was hearing. William the Bloody, Spike, the Slayer of Slayers had gone and won himself a soul to prove that he loved Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer. Angel knew without a doubt that Angelus would never have done something like that for Buffy. Obviously Angel had underestimated Spike in a big way.
"He got his soul for you," Angel said, his voice quiet, feeling oddly upset and inadequate. "Are you two…"
"No."
Angel nodded, feeling somewhat heartened that she hadn't just fallen into Spike's arms because he'd fought for his soul.
"Did you ask him to do it?"
Buffy shook her head. "You know about his chip right?" she asked.
Angel nodded. He'd heard about his grand-childe being neutered. He'd laughed for a good twenty minutes after hearing it.
"Well, he kinda joined the Scoobies after that," Buffy explained. "He wasn't trusted or anything, but…he was around when we needed him. He uh…fell in love with me before I died and when I came back…"
"He was there to pick up the pieces while you were depressed," Angel finished.
Buffy sighed and nodded. "I know it was wrong. And I was the one that started it, and…after I started it, I couldn't get out of it. It was the only thing that made me feel anything and I couldn't give it up. No matter how wrong it was. But…eventually, I had to. It was killing me. So, I told him it was over, and I meant it."
"Why do I sense a 'but' coming up."
"Well, he was really good about it for a while. Then he started pressuring me about it. Wanting to get back together, wanting to tell my friends. I got hurt on patrol one night…I went home and…he came to me. Tried to…"
Angel felt anger grow within him. He growled a little and Buffy tightened her grip on his hand. He calmed himself down and knew that Buffy needed to tell him this if they wanted to even move past everything that had happened between them. They needed to know the truth about each other and everything that they'd been through.
"Anyway, I pushed him off. He was pretty shocked. I don't think he really knew what he was doing. He left town, and I didn't see him again for a few months. He'd come back with a soul," she finished.
Angel nodded, completely astounded by what he had heard. There was one thing that was bothering him though.
"Why aren't you two together then?" he asked.
She looked at him with serious eyes that were far older than they should have been for a twenty-one year old girl. "Because I don't love him."
Angel felt himself relax. That was the one topic they hadn't discussed. Spike may have been in love with her, but she wasn't in love with him.
"And…are you…with someone?" Angel asked hesitantly. He was toying with a silver chain with two rings dangling from it, twisting them in his hands, waiting for Buffy's response with a nervousness that he hadn't felt since the night of Buffy's seventeenth birthday.
Buffy smiled shyly and felt her pulse quicken.
"I'm with you right now. Does that count?"
"Are you mine though?"
Buffy couldn't help but laugh a little bit. Angel's face dropped and he went to look away. Buffy's other hand touched his cheek and forced him to look at her.
"Angel, I've been yours since I knocked you on your ass in that alley when I was sixteen," she whispered. "I've always been yours."
Angel felt joy spring up within him at her words. He bent forward and closed the distance between them, his lips brushing hers ever so gently. It had been far too long since they'd kissed. The last time he'd felt her lips on his had been on the day that wasn't, except for the desperate kiss born of grief they'd shared at Buffy's mom's funeral. Even after her resurrection they hadn't kissed. Angel had desperately wanted to, but hadn't out of respect for Buffy's feelings. He hadn't wanted to confuse her, and she'd been grateful for it.
Buffy sighed into the kiss and leant closer to him, desperate to be as close as possible to him.
With a deep and un-needed breath, Angel took the chain he'd been playing with and undid the clasp, letting the two rings fall into his palm. He gently took hold of Buffy's hand and took the smaller silver Claddagh ring, positioning it, heart facing in, on the ring finger of her left hand.
Buffy saw his hesitation and moved her hand forward so that Angel had slid the ring onto her finger. She hadn't seen that ring since she'd said goodbye to him just before he'd returned from hell. She'd never asked him about the ring, but obviously he'd found it, kept it and was now returning it to her.
Buffy reached out and took the larger ring from Angel's palm and performed the same thing for him, sliding it onto the ring finger of his left hand. She mimicked the actions from her seventeenth birthday and leant up to kiss his fingers.
Angel delighted in the feel of her, unable to believe that she was so close to him again. It felt complete and absolutely perfect. He pulled back and Buffy's eyes snapped open, looking at him curiously.
"What?"
"The curse," he whispered, inwardly telling himself that he was a complete moron for not thinking of that earlier.
Buffy smiled and pulled him back in for a kiss. "I asked that shaman guy to make it permanent."
Angel looked at her with wide and wild-eyes. "It's permanent?"
She nodded. "Yup. No more Angelus coming out to play if you get too happy."
Angel felt a sheer well of joy rise up in his soul. He pulled Buffy back in for a kiss and decided that the only way to test what the shaman had done the spell accurately would be to test out his soul.
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I don't write smut. If you can't use your imagination, then…well, my apologies but I ain't writing it.
Much thanks for your feedback!! Glad you're enjoying this thing.