Betaed by Barbara
Warning: rating went on: RATED PG-13
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Chapter 11 - Holiday and breaking news
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"I still cannot believe it, Quietus! They didn't even touch me even though they knew precisely what my dad was! Just threw that bloody Revelo on me, and that was it!" Ares waved his head in disbelief, his gaze pointed at Harry.
It was the first afternoon when Harry was released from bed. It was the same Sunday's afternoon when Harry and Severus went to visit the cemetery, and the next day would be the his first schoolday since the aurors' questioning. So Harry suspected there would be some more conversations like this in the following days.
Neville shifted and didn't dare to look at his friends. Harry sighed.
"It was something... personal. Against my father."
"Rubbish," Ares hit the table with his fist. "I think that Weasley git isn't normal, he was always a stupid, big-headed bookworm, but some slight harassing in past potions classes couldn't have such a bad effect on him so as to cause him to beat you!"
"No. It wasn't the potions classes. It's another thing, but I can't tell you," Harry cast an apologising look at him. "It's..."
Ares stopped Harry with a light touch on his arm. Harry flinched uneasily. Ares quickly drew his hand back and leaned forward.
"So what Ronald Weasley said about our fathers is true, isn't it?"
Harry looked at him warily.
"I can't see what your point is."
"In the first Care of Magical Creatures lesson he belittled our fathers. Not only mine, but yours too. Is it because both are..." he gulped. "You know what I'm thinking about."
Harry narrowed his eyes.
"Severus is not a De..."
"Shh, Quiet," Neville hissed worrieldy. "We aren't alone in the library." Then he turned to the Slytherin. "Yes and no. His father was a spy on You- Know-Who until he was exposed this summer. But the Ministry isn't anything but a branch of brainless, biased idiots, and this goes to the Aurors too. Only more so."
Harry looked at Neville stunned. He knew. But how? Meanwhile understanding dawned on Ares' face.
"So this was your father's reason to keep you away from me!" He furrowed his brows in thought. "And perhaps he had some personal grudges against my father after his summer experiences. Well, until this point I didn't understand why and how was he captured alongside Potter. He certainly tried to save our world's precious saviour..."
Harry paled, Neville, however turned red in anger.
"Don't da-dare to sp-speak about Harry li-like that!" the round-faced boy stutterer his eyes glittering dangerously. "It wasn't so-something he ever wanted! And he never behaved like that! It's only your Slytherin prejudice, which made you think about him this way!"
To Harry's utter surprise Ares didn't argue. On the contrary, he leaned forward and elbowed at the desk.
"Alright, I understand. Then care you tell me how he was?"
Neville nodded and Harry wanted to disappear in chagrin.
"You never talked to him, did you?" Neville asked.
"I was never interested in him," he grinned and shrugged. "I assumed he was the Gryffindor version of Malfoy."
The realisation hit Harry full strength. He didn't even hear Neville's words about him anymore. He and Malfoy - alike? But he had never been such an arrogant idiot, a slave-keeper, a pampered and cruel git as Malfoy!
"Why do you think... he was like Malfoy?" he asked suddenly interrupting Neville's tale. He almost said 'I was like Malfoy'.
Neville shut his mouth and looked at Ares who shrugged again.
"Because of his worshippers and his cronies, and because he was always so bloody self-conscious. And he was as biased towards the Slytherins as Malfoy is towards the Gryffindors. He never even noticed us, the normal Slytherins in the classroom, only Malfoy, and he never made any attempt to know us or at least to introduce himself."
"Well, this goes for almost all of the Slytherins and Gryffindors," Neville added quietly. "I can't recall if I ever saw you opening a conversation with one of us."
"Times like this I'm glad I wasn't sorted," Harry opened his mouth to avoid a possible quarrel. "This way everybody can hate me because who I am and not because of the house I belong to."
"Or because of who your father is," Ares can't suppress a grin.
"Oh, well... But having professor Snape as your father has its advantages too," Harry winked at them. "Anyway, the headmaster said that I won't be examined alone any more. He or father will be there with me. He even reported the aurors' behaviour to the Ministry that they used a tormenting curse on a student."
"It's good news!" cheered Neville. "Hermione was already worrying about you..."
Harry's face darkened.
"And what about Weasley? How does he support his girlfriend's worry?"
Neville cast an unsure glance at Ares, then he sighed.
"I think none of the Gryffindors would ever tell you the story and certainly not Hermione... But that day, after we returned from the Infirmary, there was a fight in the Gryffindor common room. A very... disgusting fight, I must say. It was Ron who began it. He yelled at Hermione and me and called us traitors. Then the whole house joined the quarrel and..." Neville massaged his temples in distress, "Ron said that your father is a Death Eater and a traitor, and that you are his agent in the Gryffindors... Bloody hell. There was such a deep silence that I thought I turned deaf. I couldn't say a word either. Then, in the deep silence Hermione told Ron that he is just a selfish child or something like that, but Ron snapped at her and he said that she is falling for you, Quietus... then she slapped Ron on the face and said to him that that was enough and it was over too. It happened four days ago. Since then I haven't seen them together."
Harry's face turned to a strange, greenish colour.
"She broke up their relationship?" he asked Neville shakily.
"It seems so..."
"And now the whole Gryffindor know about dad..." Harry covered his face into his palms. His shoulders trembled. "And they think I'm dating with Hermione too... And she left Ron because of me..."
"That idiotic Weasel git..." Ares groaned through his clenched teeth.
"Calm down, mates. I'm sure the greater part of the Gryffindors thinks that Ron was exaggerating about him. Everybody knows how much he hates Snape and you," Neville said them smoothingly.
"But if even you, Neville, could figure out that he wasn't exaggerating, then I suppose everybody knows it too," Harry couldn't help but snap at him. But Neville didn't mind his tone.
"No. I knew it for sure only because Hermione told me when you were... questioned and we decided to find an adult to help," he confessed. "And later Snape confirmed Hermione's words."
"Severus deliberately confessed to you that he..." Harry was totally appalled.
"Yes. And asked me not to dress him again in my grandmother's robes if I accidentally run into a boggart..."
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"You are starting to be softer on the students. What about your reputation?" Harry asked when he heard Severus entering the room that night.
"I thought you were already asleep," he grumbled in response.
"I was waiting for you."
"You could visit me in my lab in the afternoon."
"You hate being disturbed when you are working."
"Hell, yes," a loud yawn, "but you can disturb me whenever you want. Better than waiting for me instead of sleeping. And what was that remark about my reputation?"
"Neville confessed that you smiled at him and even told him a joke."
"What will be my punishment for this?" Severus turned to his stomach. "But tell it fast before I fall asleep."
Harry didn't answer, just sighed. Severus suddenly became animated.
"Did anything happen?"
"I'm afraid of tomorrow's classes," Harry said weakly. "Ron told the whole Gryffindor house about your past. I can't imagine their reaction. I don't want them to hate me again. I don't want them to despise you either. And I don't want to start everything over again. I'm sick of these restarts."
Severus reached out an arm and sneezed Harry's shoulder kindly.
"You don't have to restart everything, Quiet. You have Neville and Hermione in Gryffindor house and they won't leave you, and perhaps the same goes for Mr Finnigan. You can't lose Ron even more, and the others' sympathy isn't so vital. As for me, I don't mind what they are thinking of me or of my role so you don't have to bother yourself with my reputation or acceptance."
"But I want them to accept you!" Harry yelled desperately.
"They won't. Not everybody, at least. Your friends accept me, isn't it enough?"
Harry mumbled something under his breath.
"Was it a 'no'?" Severus asked and when Harry didn't answer he reached out again to Harry's bed and poked his side playfully.
"Yes. No," Harry moaned and moved away from the tickling finger.
"Your vocabulary amazes me," he said sarcastically, but he turned to serious again. "Listen, Quiet. Your acceptance is absolutely enough for me. Absolutely." He yawned again. "It's much more than I have for years, anyway." Another loud yawn joined his. "Now go sleep. I'll be here if something's wrong."
"G'night, dad."
Heavy silence fell onto the room.
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The whole morning, Harry struggled to avoid Severus. He still was embarrassed by his stupid slip of tongue the night before, and he had absolutely no idea how to react if Severus called him to account or if he just asked him if he had intended the address. Moreover, the whole day was about to be one of the worst since the beginning of September, Harry realised just as they entered the Great Hall in the morning.
There was a sudden silence and almost every head turned toward them. Harry paled, but Severus' face wore its usual emotionless mask. The teacher cast a blank glance at the staring students and sat down while Harry made his way to Ares. From the corner of his eyes he saw as some gazes followed him, but he purposefully ignored them.
"I will kill the Weasel git, I promise," these were Ares' first words to him.
Harry just shrugged, but inside he felt grateful for his words. As he lifted his eyes, he could see that several Slytherins were looking at him expectantly, even Malfoy's eyes met his for a short moment.
He still couldn't eat properly, and the previous days' events didn't help to recover his appetite. Just the contrary. So after some bites he gave up and nearly fled from the hall.
He waited until the last moment before he went to Transfiguration. He entered the room together with the professor and fixing his eyes to the floor he hurried to sit next to Neville. The whole lesson passed in silence, but when McGonagall dismissed them, he waved at Harry.
"Mr Snape, please."
Harry stopped and strode accross the teacher's desk.
"Yes, madam?"
"I've heard what happened in the Gryffindor common room, and your father said that you know about it too."
Harry just nodded.
"Now, I'm sure you feel uncomfortable with the Gryffindor fifth year, so I thought we can change your time-table and you can attend classes with another house, if you wish."
Harry didn't answer immediately. Would it be any better if he decided to join the Hufflepuffs? Or the Ravenclaws? Now, he wasn't as uncomfortable with the Raven house as he had been before, but was it necessary? To change, to begin over? Stupidity.
"I don't think it would be easier, madam. And I feel alright with the Gryffindors."
"Very well, Mr Snape. I just wanted to help."
"Thank you, madam," Harry smiled slightly and followed his mates to the next lesson. In the hallway Hermione was waiting for him.
Harry's smile became forced.
"Hey, Hermione I said I won't date you if Weasley left you," he said playfully, but his tone was bitter.
"You don't need to. I'm still dating Ron," Hermione shrugged and cast a reassuring look at Harry. "We just have a short break in our relationship."
Harry arched an eyebrow.
"Really?" when Hermione nodded he went on. "I'm happy to hear it. I don't want you to break up with Ron er... Weasley just because of me."
Hermione looked at him, her eyes swirling with anger.
"What he did is almost unforgivable, Quiet. He had no right to say those words in front of the whole house, and if I had decided to break up with him, it wouldn't be just because of you. This display made him less trustworthy in my eyes. He knew precisely that your father was a spy for years. It was only vengeance what made him say those words and made him act as a git since he met you. And there are times when you must lie your vengeance aside, and this time is one of them. Your situation is hard enough without his stupid teasing, not to mention professor Snape's," Hermione shook his head. "And he certainly had no right to say anything about the two of you after all that his brother and his colleagues did to you."
Harry shut his eyes and sighed quietly. He didn't want to recall those memories now.
"Let's go now or we will be late for the next class," he said finally.
The next days disproved Harry's fears. Most of the Gryffindors ignored Ron's biased remarks, and almost everybody agreed that even if Snape was a Death Eater, his son hadn't deserved the aurors' treatment. The tension in the Potions classes was higher, but except for Ron, nobody showed animosity towards Harry. Not even Leah, who turned red every time she saw him, but smiled at him nevertheless.
"She has a crush on you," Neville noticed in a Herbology class and Harry just shrugged.
"She has an awful taste then," Harry pretended to be indifferent, but inside he felt warm and strange.
He even decided to buy something for the girl for Christmas, when he went to Hogsmeade the next Saturday. This time he wanted to go alone, but the twins, again, caught him leaving and joined him
"Hey, Quietus, we want to assure you that we still think of Ron as being a stupid git," George smirked widely.
"And this goes for Percy as well," Fred nodded. "But we hope that you won't reject us just because of our family members' enormous stupidity."
Harry cast a serious glance at him.
"You know that Ron is right about my father," he answered quietly. "He and Percy had every right to hate him and..."
"Perhaps they have right to hate your father, but you are not your father, Quietus," Fred interrupted him. "It was obvious from the very first moment we saw you. And Snape isn't such a bad guy either. We are sure if there were problems with him, neither Dumbledore, nor the Ministry would let him teach. And Mum and Dad even told Percy, when he reported to the family about Snape in the summer, that the things Percy read in the files were confessed under hard physical and emotional pressure which makes its veracity questionable, and even they are true, they had happened more than fifteen years ago, and Snape had done a lot of noble things after that. He changed sides willingly, he saved a lot of lives and he tried to save Harry too."
"Yes, and Mum said that Snape paid for it up the hilt," George added. "He lost all his family, his parents and his brother, he couldn't raise you, he even was in Azkaban for six months."
"Not to mention that four months he spent in the Ministry's prison," Fred sneered bitterly. "When I think of the hour you spent with three aurors, I get sick. And he was compelled to spend months there..."
"He said that the Ministry was worse than Voldemort's treatment," Harry whispered, his eyes pointed to the ground.
None of them spoke for long. They were walking in silence.
"Well, sorry," Fred said finally, "but I have things to attend here. Angelina is waiting for me in the Three Broomsticks..."
"Go then," George said. "I don't want her to switch from you to me."
"Idiot," Fred grinned and left them.
"Where now?" Harry asked finally.
"Apothecary and buying gifts?"
"Right," Harry answered. Perhaps he could buy some gift even there. To have a potions master in the family meant that he could find gifts even in the Apothecary.
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Harry locked the gifts in his desk and leaned back contently. He finally had found perfect gifts for everyone he wanted to give something: a rather large and meticulous encyclopaedia on Arithmancy for Hermione (he had to fight against his own temptation to keep the book for himself), a large, illustrated tome on rare plants for Neville and an enchanted diary for Ares, because he still was nearly unable to share his thoughts and problems with others, because Harry and Ares hadn't talked about Ares' family problems since that fateful night, when Harry had ended up hurting Severus, and Harry thought he could share his secrets at least with the diary. It was not like Tom Riddle's diary: it was a psychologically enchanted book, which helped its user to get through his or her problems. He had bought some 'normal', muggle games and a lot of magic sweets for Anne, and some books for Sirius and Remus.
He had spent a lot of time wondering about Severus' present and he had been about to give up on the thinking and buy only rare potions ingredients and some books, but his eyes caught a beautiful clock in a shop. His eyes had been glittering in excitement when he had explained the assistant what he had wanted, and it had taken almost two hours to get it, but it had been worth waiting. He smiled as he slipped the clock next to the books.
He was waiting for Christmas.
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For the first time in his life, Harry felt at home - at his home, with his own family. They were sitting around the table in the dining room of Snape Manor: Lupin, Black, Anne, Fletcher, Severus and him, they all were talking civilly, almost friendly with each other, the quiet buzzing of the conversations surrounded and dazed Harry, but he didn't mind. It was the best daze, which suggested safety and enveloped him like an embrace. He even had an appetite and ate normally, however the amount of food he consumed didn't still reach the level before the captivity.
"Uncle Severus said that you are the best student in the school."
Harry was sitting next to the chattering Anne, but he didn't really pay attention to her, he tried to listen to Sirius and Severus, who were talking about the aurors and their unsupportable behaviour, but this sentence made him look at Anne in awe.
"What?" he asked wide-eyed.
Anne smiled broadly.
"Yesterday uncle Severus asked me about my studies and marks, and he said he expected me to be the best, like you are in that school of yours."
"He talked to you?" Harry asked curiously. "How?"
"Remmy had an idea to give me potions in order to make me able to use some magic. Not perform, just use. So he said that there is a potion, which is able to do this to me and he said that uncle Severus is a potions master and he can do it for me. I went to him and we talked. He even took blood from my finger and I didn't cry!" she showed proudly his bandaged index finger to Harry. "And I told him, that he doesn't have to worry about me. I have top marks in every subject." She leaned closer to Harry. "Is he always so serious?"
"He is a teacher, Anne. Teachers are generally serious."
"No," she shook her head, her ponytails waved around her face. "I have a lot of teachers, but they aren't as strict as him. I even thought to turn his hair purple or rose to make him laugh, but Remmy said that I can't do that without magic. However, Erica did..."
Harry suddenly remembered their conversation.
"Erica was that girl from your street."
"Yes. But she didn't live there. She said she lived in America with her parents, but her grandparents lived on our street. She spent only the holidays with them. However, her grandparents were very kind people. They said that Erica and her parents moved to America when Erica was a baby."
Harry nodded absentmindedly. He caught again some words of the adults' conversation: they were talking about Harry. He shifted in embarrassment. He really didn't want everybody to know about his encounter with the aurors, but through Fletcher, whose best friend was Mrs Figg, as Harry had learned some days ago, they knew already about it, they were asking for the details, and sometimes cast a thoughtful glance at Harry, who did his best to seem indifferent under their scrunity.
He hoped strongly that he wouldn't have to talk about the events personally, but Lupin stopped him after the dinner ended and they somehow remained alone in the dining room.
"The last person Severus seemed to love, to really love, was his brother - before you," Lupin said suddenly.
Harry halted in movement. He was about to stand up when the words caught him off guard. He sank onto his chair again and turned his eyes at Lupin.
"Why did you say that? I think it's obvious. I'm his son,"
Lupin had been acting very strangely since he had left the hospital. Was he suspecting something?
"I'm just glad," Lupin put his elbows on the table and put his head on his fist, his gaze not leaving Harry for a moment. "He was terribly alone. Perhaps because he had been missing you too. And I think he shares much more with you than he did with his brother."
The last sentence was too sudden and unexpected, a continuation of a previous part of their conversation. Harry now looked at him openly.
"Those were hard times to him. He was a Death Eater, but he loved his brother too and he didn't want to endanger him. He ignored him and his activities to keep him safe."
"Is it what he told you?" Lupin asked.
"Partially, yes. He said this with other words I can't recall now."
"And how do you feel about him? His past?"
Harry tapped his chin in thought.
"Basically, I don't mind it. Not only because I love him, but because I think he paid dearly for that. Yes, he committed several sins as a Death Eater, but he saved many lives as well. And he chose loneliness and regret over returning to a normal life," he shook his head desperately. "I don't think he ever had a normal life. A happy life."
"No, he didn't. He was embittered and unhappy," Lupin agreed.
"He still hates himself," Harry added quietly. "He can't forgive himself. I wish he could..."
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"Why do you want me to forgive myself?" Severus asked in the shady room. There wasn't darkness in the bedroom, Harry still couldn't stand darkness, and he thought he never would.
"Did you eavesdrop on my conversation with Lupin?" Harry sat up and looked at Severus angrily.
"Sort of," he answered calmly. "I didn't intend to, and I heard only your last sentences about your feelings towards me. I was a little bit... shocked, I guess."
"Shocked?" Harry's voice was thin in disbelief. "Why?"
"Do you confess your fondness of me to everybody?" Severus' tone was strange and Harry suddenly pitied that he couldn't see his expression.
"Your point is?" he asked in return cautiously.
"Lupin doesn't like me and you told him that you love me and you wish I could forgive myself - risking to lose his sympathy..."
"Severus!" Harry yelled impatiently interrupting the man's sentence. "First of all I don't think he hates or detests you. He even said that he was glad because you have me and you seem happier lately. On the other hand I don't care what they will think of me if I say I love you. If they want to like me, they have to do this as I am. And I love you, and they have to accept it, or they can go to the hell!"
"You are mental, Quiet. I'm not important enough to lose people's sympathy just because of me..."
"Oh, I see I have to pay back you the encouragement you gave me the night when you took me back into the Snape family. So, I will, now listen:" he lifted his voice "Severus you are more important to me than everyone else in my life."
"Quiet..." Severus' voice cracked.
"Are you going to cry?" Harry's tone was teasing now.
"Of course not!" Snape yelled indignantly. Then he sat up and sighed heavily. "When you called me 'dad' some days ago, did you mean it?"
Harry shut his eyes, his thoughts were racing in his head. What should he answer? The truth? What would be Severus' reaction to that? Would he reject his feelings?
He suddenly felt an urge to break into laughter. He was pondering on the answer as if he had had to answer a girl's question about his true feelings. It was ridiculous, he decided.
"Of course I did. I wouldn't call you that if I hadn't intended to," his tone was natural, but toned with a bit of merriment.
Severus didn't react again for a long time. He leaned to the pillow and drew his legs up to his chest. Harry pulled his wand from under his pillow and ignited some more torches. Not too many, he really didn't want to embarrass Severus further, but the darkness was unnerving in such an important conversation.
"Harry, I have to tell you something," he began and Harry became nervous. It was the first occassion in the last two months or so that Severus called him by his original name. "I want you to understand me, so I ask you to let me tell you the whole story and don't interrupt me. Alright?"
"Alright," Harry trembled in nervousness.
Severus let his knees go and leaned back to the wall his eyes shut.
"Perhaps you remember what happened when I saw you standing in the Great Hall of Nightmare Manor," his voice was distant and cold.
"Yes. You were frozen," Harry nodded.
"Correct. I was frozen, I was shocked and I felt sick, and not because I recognised you in the first moment, but because I saw a child standing there..." Harry could see his hands clenching into fists as he said these words. "A child, again. And I don't think of Quietus. He wasn't a child when Voldemort caught him, he was as tall as me. But a child, a real child - again. Again, because my first victim as a Death Eater was a child, or better to say two children, siblings, a girl and a boy..." his voice faded, but Harry remained in silence. Severus asked him not to interrupt him and he had to give him the possibility. The opportunity to open up, to purge himself via a confession. Though, he could feel something akin to panic raising in him as he was listening to Severus.
"You have to know, I wasn't the one and only spy on Voldemort in that war, and not only Dumbledore had spies. The Ministry had his own people working in Voldemort's circle, however, not in his inner circle. It was a man, called Thomas Galvany. He was a Slytherin, he graduated three or four years before me and he married a Gryffindor girl whose name I don't know. He, somehow, was uncovered and Voldemort decided to warn us by giving him an exemplary punishment in front of all of his servants. He kidnapped his family and he and the inner circle tortured Galvany's children just to break him and his wife," at this point Severus began to tremble, but Harry didn't dare to touch him, to disturb him in his story-telling. "The two children were tortured ruthlessly. I... I'm not sure I don't want to tell you what they precisely did to them. I think you know it all too well. The parents... oh, Harry, I can't tell it!" he suddenly cried out loudly. "I was scared to death and I was trying to explain to myself why Voldemort did this. That time I believed him. Galvany was a traitor. He deserved it, I thought. But I couldn't help pitying him and his children. I was confused. And then Voldemort called me and asked me if I wanted to join him, to be marked by him. I said yes and he ordered me to use some Unforgivables on the children to show my loyalty to him," Severus buried his face into his palms. "Good lord, I felt weak and shattered. There were at least one hundred people looking at me expectantly, my parents amongst them, people whom I always wanted to join and my parents whom I always wanted to be pleased with me. But I simply couldn't torture the children any more. They were dying anyway. I cast the Killing Curse on them. Both of them," Severus' words began to become more and more unintelligable as his trembling grew. "I killed them. But the Dark Lord wasn't satisfied. He was enraged. He ordered me to torture the woman. And I did everything he wanted me to do. Everything. I cast the Cruciatus on her, I beat her and I raped her. And I killed her. And finally, after hours of torture I killed Thomas too. Voldemort marked me that night. My life ended then," this was the point Harry was at the end of his tether. He climbed to the bed next to Severus and touched his shoulder, but the man flinched under the soothing touch and moved away from Harry. "Don't touch me. Don't try to console me. I don't deserve it. Your father is Quietus whom I tortured too. Or James whom I always hated. Not me. You are as good as them. You can't be mine. I can't be yours. I will do everything to help you, but I can't be your father. I can't be anyone's father," with this, he turned his back to Harry and curled into a foetal position still trembling heavily.
Harry sighed and drew his hand back to his lap.
"I want you to remember our happy days," he began calmly. "There you once said that if you punished yourself by remaining separated and alone, you would hurt me as well. The situation hasn't changed, Severus. I know that my biological father was Quietus. I know that my stepfather was James. But they are dead. In Nightmare Manor you also promised me to be there for me as a parent. When Dumbledore asked us to pretend to be father and son, you said you liked the idea of me being your son. Since then we have been living together. And you - you have been like a real father to me. In every sense of the word. You care for me and you help me. Sometimes I think that you really consider me as your son..."
"I do."
"Then?"
"CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN'T BE YOUR FATHER! I'M A MURDERER, FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU'RE QUIETUS' SON, NOT MINE!" Severus yelled angrily with a deep sneer on his face.
Suddenly, there was a noise from the corridor. Snape froze in movement for an instant, but he recovered fast. He grabbed hs wand and, stepping to the door, opened it with a sudden gesture.
The corridor was empty.
"Perhaps the house-elves," Harry inhaled deeply as Severus turned to him shrugging wordlessly.
"Perhaps," he agreed. He shut the door and cast a silencing charm onto the room. "Or nobody," he said.
But the short interlude calmed him down enough to apologise.
"I'm sorry, Harry," he whispered sadly.
"No harm done," Harry cast a thoughtful look at him. "But I think it's you who can't understand things. NO!" he cried angrily when Severus opened his mouth. "Let me finish it. I knew very well about your past. It's over. You suffered enough in the last fifteen years. Just like me. Our situation is not about deserving. You ARE now a father for me. It's not a possibility. It's reality. I called you 'dad', because I accepted it, I accepted you. And don't forget: I was tortured some days ago just because you are my father. I assume my suffering gave me the right to refer you as my father if I want. And I want."
"But I..." Severus began weakly but Harry interrupted him this time.
"Please, don't reject me." He gulped. "Please."
"I can't and I won't never reject you, Harry. I didn't say all this because I want to reject you. I just... I just..." he stopped in mid-sentence. "Can't you understand?"
"It's you who can't understand, Severus. The past is over, even if you wanted to bring it back. You can't. You have a present and a future to live and you have me to raise properly. It's your task now. You can't linger on the past."
"As I see you don't need to be raised. You are an adult now."
"No, I'm not. I still need somebody to lean on, to help me. I still need a family, which I was denied all my life. I suffered enough for being your son to earn the right to be yours."
Severus finally didn't say a word, just sat next to Harry and put an arm on his shoulder.
They were sitting there in silence for a long time before going to bed.
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'You are Quietus' son, not mine!' The words were echoing again and again in Black's mind.
Quietus' son.
Severus' brother. The perfect, the glorious, the merciful Quietus. The celebrity of Hogwarts, the best student of the century, the smiling bastard.
Seemingly he was the same as his slimy brother.
He never understood why Lily decided to marry James. She was Quietus' girlfriend. But now, everything was clear.
That bastard cheated on her. And this... this boy was the proof of his betrayal. She, somehow learned about the boy and she broke up their relationship. And as it happens many times in cases like this, Lily ran for help to James.
The bastard!
And his disgusting brother was still covering his betrayal, long after the event. Why? To conserve the glorious Quietus Snape's good reputation?
His rage was boiling inside him. He was sitting in the living room staring into the fire, not knowing what to do.
That was the past.
He made peace with Snape.
His 'son' was a good kid.
Quietus was dead.
Snape loved Harry. He even had tried to save him.
HARRY!
The boy who should have been Quietus' and Lily's child, but he was James', a sign of betrayal instead of the real love - Lily had been never in love with James. Harry, as a result of the pity from James' part and the vengeance from Lily's. Poor kid.
And he was pitying this Quietus kid too. He wasn't responsible for his father's betrayal and now, he was compelled to live with the smiling bastard's disgusting brother who rejected him.
Black leaned forward as a decision began to form in him.
This kid didn't deserve the rejection. He deserved a father, and if he wanted the slimy git to be his father, then he deserved Snape as his father.
He would talk to Snape.
As soon as he could.
Warning: rating went on: RATED PG-13
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Chapter 11 - Holiday and breaking news
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"I still cannot believe it, Quietus! They didn't even touch me even though they knew precisely what my dad was! Just threw that bloody Revelo on me, and that was it!" Ares waved his head in disbelief, his gaze pointed at Harry.
It was the first afternoon when Harry was released from bed. It was the same Sunday's afternoon when Harry and Severus went to visit the cemetery, and the next day would be the his first schoolday since the aurors' questioning. So Harry suspected there would be some more conversations like this in the following days.
Neville shifted and didn't dare to look at his friends. Harry sighed.
"It was something... personal. Against my father."
"Rubbish," Ares hit the table with his fist. "I think that Weasley git isn't normal, he was always a stupid, big-headed bookworm, but some slight harassing in past potions classes couldn't have such a bad effect on him so as to cause him to beat you!"
"No. It wasn't the potions classes. It's another thing, but I can't tell you," Harry cast an apologising look at him. "It's..."
Ares stopped Harry with a light touch on his arm. Harry flinched uneasily. Ares quickly drew his hand back and leaned forward.
"So what Ronald Weasley said about our fathers is true, isn't it?"
Harry looked at him warily.
"I can't see what your point is."
"In the first Care of Magical Creatures lesson he belittled our fathers. Not only mine, but yours too. Is it because both are..." he gulped. "You know what I'm thinking about."
Harry narrowed his eyes.
"Severus is not a De..."
"Shh, Quiet," Neville hissed worrieldy. "We aren't alone in the library." Then he turned to the Slytherin. "Yes and no. His father was a spy on You- Know-Who until he was exposed this summer. But the Ministry isn't anything but a branch of brainless, biased idiots, and this goes to the Aurors too. Only more so."
Harry looked at Neville stunned. He knew. But how? Meanwhile understanding dawned on Ares' face.
"So this was your father's reason to keep you away from me!" He furrowed his brows in thought. "And perhaps he had some personal grudges against my father after his summer experiences. Well, until this point I didn't understand why and how was he captured alongside Potter. He certainly tried to save our world's precious saviour..."
Harry paled, Neville, however turned red in anger.
"Don't da-dare to sp-speak about Harry li-like that!" the round-faced boy stutterer his eyes glittering dangerously. "It wasn't so-something he ever wanted! And he never behaved like that! It's only your Slytherin prejudice, which made you think about him this way!"
To Harry's utter surprise Ares didn't argue. On the contrary, he leaned forward and elbowed at the desk.
"Alright, I understand. Then care you tell me how he was?"
Neville nodded and Harry wanted to disappear in chagrin.
"You never talked to him, did you?" Neville asked.
"I was never interested in him," he grinned and shrugged. "I assumed he was the Gryffindor version of Malfoy."
The realisation hit Harry full strength. He didn't even hear Neville's words about him anymore. He and Malfoy - alike? But he had never been such an arrogant idiot, a slave-keeper, a pampered and cruel git as Malfoy!
"Why do you think... he was like Malfoy?" he asked suddenly interrupting Neville's tale. He almost said 'I was like Malfoy'.
Neville shut his mouth and looked at Ares who shrugged again.
"Because of his worshippers and his cronies, and because he was always so bloody self-conscious. And he was as biased towards the Slytherins as Malfoy is towards the Gryffindors. He never even noticed us, the normal Slytherins in the classroom, only Malfoy, and he never made any attempt to know us or at least to introduce himself."
"Well, this goes for almost all of the Slytherins and Gryffindors," Neville added quietly. "I can't recall if I ever saw you opening a conversation with one of us."
"Times like this I'm glad I wasn't sorted," Harry opened his mouth to avoid a possible quarrel. "This way everybody can hate me because who I am and not because of the house I belong to."
"Or because of who your father is," Ares can't suppress a grin.
"Oh, well... But having professor Snape as your father has its advantages too," Harry winked at them. "Anyway, the headmaster said that I won't be examined alone any more. He or father will be there with me. He even reported the aurors' behaviour to the Ministry that they used a tormenting curse on a student."
"It's good news!" cheered Neville. "Hermione was already worrying about you..."
Harry's face darkened.
"And what about Weasley? How does he support his girlfriend's worry?"
Neville cast an unsure glance at Ares, then he sighed.
"I think none of the Gryffindors would ever tell you the story and certainly not Hermione... But that day, after we returned from the Infirmary, there was a fight in the Gryffindor common room. A very... disgusting fight, I must say. It was Ron who began it. He yelled at Hermione and me and called us traitors. Then the whole house joined the quarrel and..." Neville massaged his temples in distress, "Ron said that your father is a Death Eater and a traitor, and that you are his agent in the Gryffindors... Bloody hell. There was such a deep silence that I thought I turned deaf. I couldn't say a word either. Then, in the deep silence Hermione told Ron that he is just a selfish child or something like that, but Ron snapped at her and he said that she is falling for you, Quietus... then she slapped Ron on the face and said to him that that was enough and it was over too. It happened four days ago. Since then I haven't seen them together."
Harry's face turned to a strange, greenish colour.
"She broke up their relationship?" he asked Neville shakily.
"It seems so..."
"And now the whole Gryffindor know about dad..." Harry covered his face into his palms. His shoulders trembled. "And they think I'm dating with Hermione too... And she left Ron because of me..."
"That idiotic Weasel git..." Ares groaned through his clenched teeth.
"Calm down, mates. I'm sure the greater part of the Gryffindors thinks that Ron was exaggerating about him. Everybody knows how much he hates Snape and you," Neville said them smoothingly.
"But if even you, Neville, could figure out that he wasn't exaggerating, then I suppose everybody knows it too," Harry couldn't help but snap at him. But Neville didn't mind his tone.
"No. I knew it for sure only because Hermione told me when you were... questioned and we decided to find an adult to help," he confessed. "And later Snape confirmed Hermione's words."
"Severus deliberately confessed to you that he..." Harry was totally appalled.
"Yes. And asked me not to dress him again in my grandmother's robes if I accidentally run into a boggart..."
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"You are starting to be softer on the students. What about your reputation?" Harry asked when he heard Severus entering the room that night.
"I thought you were already asleep," he grumbled in response.
"I was waiting for you."
"You could visit me in my lab in the afternoon."
"You hate being disturbed when you are working."
"Hell, yes," a loud yawn, "but you can disturb me whenever you want. Better than waiting for me instead of sleeping. And what was that remark about my reputation?"
"Neville confessed that you smiled at him and even told him a joke."
"What will be my punishment for this?" Severus turned to his stomach. "But tell it fast before I fall asleep."
Harry didn't answer, just sighed. Severus suddenly became animated.
"Did anything happen?"
"I'm afraid of tomorrow's classes," Harry said weakly. "Ron told the whole Gryffindor house about your past. I can't imagine their reaction. I don't want them to hate me again. I don't want them to despise you either. And I don't want to start everything over again. I'm sick of these restarts."
Severus reached out an arm and sneezed Harry's shoulder kindly.
"You don't have to restart everything, Quiet. You have Neville and Hermione in Gryffindor house and they won't leave you, and perhaps the same goes for Mr Finnigan. You can't lose Ron even more, and the others' sympathy isn't so vital. As for me, I don't mind what they are thinking of me or of my role so you don't have to bother yourself with my reputation or acceptance."
"But I want them to accept you!" Harry yelled desperately.
"They won't. Not everybody, at least. Your friends accept me, isn't it enough?"
Harry mumbled something under his breath.
"Was it a 'no'?" Severus asked and when Harry didn't answer he reached out again to Harry's bed and poked his side playfully.
"Yes. No," Harry moaned and moved away from the tickling finger.
"Your vocabulary amazes me," he said sarcastically, but he turned to serious again. "Listen, Quiet. Your acceptance is absolutely enough for me. Absolutely." He yawned again. "It's much more than I have for years, anyway." Another loud yawn joined his. "Now go sleep. I'll be here if something's wrong."
"G'night, dad."
Heavy silence fell onto the room.
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The whole morning, Harry struggled to avoid Severus. He still was embarrassed by his stupid slip of tongue the night before, and he had absolutely no idea how to react if Severus called him to account or if he just asked him if he had intended the address. Moreover, the whole day was about to be one of the worst since the beginning of September, Harry realised just as they entered the Great Hall in the morning.
There was a sudden silence and almost every head turned toward them. Harry paled, but Severus' face wore its usual emotionless mask. The teacher cast a blank glance at the staring students and sat down while Harry made his way to Ares. From the corner of his eyes he saw as some gazes followed him, but he purposefully ignored them.
"I will kill the Weasel git, I promise," these were Ares' first words to him.
Harry just shrugged, but inside he felt grateful for his words. As he lifted his eyes, he could see that several Slytherins were looking at him expectantly, even Malfoy's eyes met his for a short moment.
He still couldn't eat properly, and the previous days' events didn't help to recover his appetite. Just the contrary. So after some bites he gave up and nearly fled from the hall.
He waited until the last moment before he went to Transfiguration. He entered the room together with the professor and fixing his eyes to the floor he hurried to sit next to Neville. The whole lesson passed in silence, but when McGonagall dismissed them, he waved at Harry.
"Mr Snape, please."
Harry stopped and strode accross the teacher's desk.
"Yes, madam?"
"I've heard what happened in the Gryffindor common room, and your father said that you know about it too."
Harry just nodded.
"Now, I'm sure you feel uncomfortable with the Gryffindor fifth year, so I thought we can change your time-table and you can attend classes with another house, if you wish."
Harry didn't answer immediately. Would it be any better if he decided to join the Hufflepuffs? Or the Ravenclaws? Now, he wasn't as uncomfortable with the Raven house as he had been before, but was it necessary? To change, to begin over? Stupidity.
"I don't think it would be easier, madam. And I feel alright with the Gryffindors."
"Very well, Mr Snape. I just wanted to help."
"Thank you, madam," Harry smiled slightly and followed his mates to the next lesson. In the hallway Hermione was waiting for him.
Harry's smile became forced.
"Hey, Hermione I said I won't date you if Weasley left you," he said playfully, but his tone was bitter.
"You don't need to. I'm still dating Ron," Hermione shrugged and cast a reassuring look at Harry. "We just have a short break in our relationship."
Harry arched an eyebrow.
"Really?" when Hermione nodded he went on. "I'm happy to hear it. I don't want you to break up with Ron er... Weasley just because of me."
Hermione looked at him, her eyes swirling with anger.
"What he did is almost unforgivable, Quiet. He had no right to say those words in front of the whole house, and if I had decided to break up with him, it wouldn't be just because of you. This display made him less trustworthy in my eyes. He knew precisely that your father was a spy for years. It was only vengeance what made him say those words and made him act as a git since he met you. And there are times when you must lie your vengeance aside, and this time is one of them. Your situation is hard enough without his stupid teasing, not to mention professor Snape's," Hermione shook his head. "And he certainly had no right to say anything about the two of you after all that his brother and his colleagues did to you."
Harry shut his eyes and sighed quietly. He didn't want to recall those memories now.
"Let's go now or we will be late for the next class," he said finally.
The next days disproved Harry's fears. Most of the Gryffindors ignored Ron's biased remarks, and almost everybody agreed that even if Snape was a Death Eater, his son hadn't deserved the aurors' treatment. The tension in the Potions classes was higher, but except for Ron, nobody showed animosity towards Harry. Not even Leah, who turned red every time she saw him, but smiled at him nevertheless.
"She has a crush on you," Neville noticed in a Herbology class and Harry just shrugged.
"She has an awful taste then," Harry pretended to be indifferent, but inside he felt warm and strange.
He even decided to buy something for the girl for Christmas, when he went to Hogsmeade the next Saturday. This time he wanted to go alone, but the twins, again, caught him leaving and joined him
"Hey, Quietus, we want to assure you that we still think of Ron as being a stupid git," George smirked widely.
"And this goes for Percy as well," Fred nodded. "But we hope that you won't reject us just because of our family members' enormous stupidity."
Harry cast a serious glance at him.
"You know that Ron is right about my father," he answered quietly. "He and Percy had every right to hate him and..."
"Perhaps they have right to hate your father, but you are not your father, Quietus," Fred interrupted him. "It was obvious from the very first moment we saw you. And Snape isn't such a bad guy either. We are sure if there were problems with him, neither Dumbledore, nor the Ministry would let him teach. And Mum and Dad even told Percy, when he reported to the family about Snape in the summer, that the things Percy read in the files were confessed under hard physical and emotional pressure which makes its veracity questionable, and even they are true, they had happened more than fifteen years ago, and Snape had done a lot of noble things after that. He changed sides willingly, he saved a lot of lives and he tried to save Harry too."
"Yes, and Mum said that Snape paid for it up the hilt," George added. "He lost all his family, his parents and his brother, he couldn't raise you, he even was in Azkaban for six months."
"Not to mention that four months he spent in the Ministry's prison," Fred sneered bitterly. "When I think of the hour you spent with three aurors, I get sick. And he was compelled to spend months there..."
"He said that the Ministry was worse than Voldemort's treatment," Harry whispered, his eyes pointed to the ground.
None of them spoke for long. They were walking in silence.
"Well, sorry," Fred said finally, "but I have things to attend here. Angelina is waiting for me in the Three Broomsticks..."
"Go then," George said. "I don't want her to switch from you to me."
"Idiot," Fred grinned and left them.
"Where now?" Harry asked finally.
"Apothecary and buying gifts?"
"Right," Harry answered. Perhaps he could buy some gift even there. To have a potions master in the family meant that he could find gifts even in the Apothecary.
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Harry locked the gifts in his desk and leaned back contently. He finally had found perfect gifts for everyone he wanted to give something: a rather large and meticulous encyclopaedia on Arithmancy for Hermione (he had to fight against his own temptation to keep the book for himself), a large, illustrated tome on rare plants for Neville and an enchanted diary for Ares, because he still was nearly unable to share his thoughts and problems with others, because Harry and Ares hadn't talked about Ares' family problems since that fateful night, when Harry had ended up hurting Severus, and Harry thought he could share his secrets at least with the diary. It was not like Tom Riddle's diary: it was a psychologically enchanted book, which helped its user to get through his or her problems. He had bought some 'normal', muggle games and a lot of magic sweets for Anne, and some books for Sirius and Remus.
He had spent a lot of time wondering about Severus' present and he had been about to give up on the thinking and buy only rare potions ingredients and some books, but his eyes caught a beautiful clock in a shop. His eyes had been glittering in excitement when he had explained the assistant what he had wanted, and it had taken almost two hours to get it, but it had been worth waiting. He smiled as he slipped the clock next to the books.
He was waiting for Christmas.
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For the first time in his life, Harry felt at home - at his home, with his own family. They were sitting around the table in the dining room of Snape Manor: Lupin, Black, Anne, Fletcher, Severus and him, they all were talking civilly, almost friendly with each other, the quiet buzzing of the conversations surrounded and dazed Harry, but he didn't mind. It was the best daze, which suggested safety and enveloped him like an embrace. He even had an appetite and ate normally, however the amount of food he consumed didn't still reach the level before the captivity.
"Uncle Severus said that you are the best student in the school."
Harry was sitting next to the chattering Anne, but he didn't really pay attention to her, he tried to listen to Sirius and Severus, who were talking about the aurors and their unsupportable behaviour, but this sentence made him look at Anne in awe.
"What?" he asked wide-eyed.
Anne smiled broadly.
"Yesterday uncle Severus asked me about my studies and marks, and he said he expected me to be the best, like you are in that school of yours."
"He talked to you?" Harry asked curiously. "How?"
"Remmy had an idea to give me potions in order to make me able to use some magic. Not perform, just use. So he said that there is a potion, which is able to do this to me and he said that uncle Severus is a potions master and he can do it for me. I went to him and we talked. He even took blood from my finger and I didn't cry!" she showed proudly his bandaged index finger to Harry. "And I told him, that he doesn't have to worry about me. I have top marks in every subject." She leaned closer to Harry. "Is he always so serious?"
"He is a teacher, Anne. Teachers are generally serious."
"No," she shook her head, her ponytails waved around her face. "I have a lot of teachers, but they aren't as strict as him. I even thought to turn his hair purple or rose to make him laugh, but Remmy said that I can't do that without magic. However, Erica did..."
Harry suddenly remembered their conversation.
"Erica was that girl from your street."
"Yes. But she didn't live there. She said she lived in America with her parents, but her grandparents lived on our street. She spent only the holidays with them. However, her grandparents were very kind people. They said that Erica and her parents moved to America when Erica was a baby."
Harry nodded absentmindedly. He caught again some words of the adults' conversation: they were talking about Harry. He shifted in embarrassment. He really didn't want everybody to know about his encounter with the aurors, but through Fletcher, whose best friend was Mrs Figg, as Harry had learned some days ago, they knew already about it, they were asking for the details, and sometimes cast a thoughtful glance at Harry, who did his best to seem indifferent under their scrunity.
He hoped strongly that he wouldn't have to talk about the events personally, but Lupin stopped him after the dinner ended and they somehow remained alone in the dining room.
"The last person Severus seemed to love, to really love, was his brother - before you," Lupin said suddenly.
Harry halted in movement. He was about to stand up when the words caught him off guard. He sank onto his chair again and turned his eyes at Lupin.
"Why did you say that? I think it's obvious. I'm his son,"
Lupin had been acting very strangely since he had left the hospital. Was he suspecting something?
"I'm just glad," Lupin put his elbows on the table and put his head on his fist, his gaze not leaving Harry for a moment. "He was terribly alone. Perhaps because he had been missing you too. And I think he shares much more with you than he did with his brother."
The last sentence was too sudden and unexpected, a continuation of a previous part of their conversation. Harry now looked at him openly.
"Those were hard times to him. He was a Death Eater, but he loved his brother too and he didn't want to endanger him. He ignored him and his activities to keep him safe."
"Is it what he told you?" Lupin asked.
"Partially, yes. He said this with other words I can't recall now."
"And how do you feel about him? His past?"
Harry tapped his chin in thought.
"Basically, I don't mind it. Not only because I love him, but because I think he paid dearly for that. Yes, he committed several sins as a Death Eater, but he saved many lives as well. And he chose loneliness and regret over returning to a normal life," he shook his head desperately. "I don't think he ever had a normal life. A happy life."
"No, he didn't. He was embittered and unhappy," Lupin agreed.
"He still hates himself," Harry added quietly. "He can't forgive himself. I wish he could..."
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"Why do you want me to forgive myself?" Severus asked in the shady room. There wasn't darkness in the bedroom, Harry still couldn't stand darkness, and he thought he never would.
"Did you eavesdrop on my conversation with Lupin?" Harry sat up and looked at Severus angrily.
"Sort of," he answered calmly. "I didn't intend to, and I heard only your last sentences about your feelings towards me. I was a little bit... shocked, I guess."
"Shocked?" Harry's voice was thin in disbelief. "Why?"
"Do you confess your fondness of me to everybody?" Severus' tone was strange and Harry suddenly pitied that he couldn't see his expression.
"Your point is?" he asked in return cautiously.
"Lupin doesn't like me and you told him that you love me and you wish I could forgive myself - risking to lose his sympathy..."
"Severus!" Harry yelled impatiently interrupting the man's sentence. "First of all I don't think he hates or detests you. He even said that he was glad because you have me and you seem happier lately. On the other hand I don't care what they will think of me if I say I love you. If they want to like me, they have to do this as I am. And I love you, and they have to accept it, or they can go to the hell!"
"You are mental, Quiet. I'm not important enough to lose people's sympathy just because of me..."
"Oh, I see I have to pay back you the encouragement you gave me the night when you took me back into the Snape family. So, I will, now listen:" he lifted his voice "Severus you are more important to me than everyone else in my life."
"Quiet..." Severus' voice cracked.
"Are you going to cry?" Harry's tone was teasing now.
"Of course not!" Snape yelled indignantly. Then he sat up and sighed heavily. "When you called me 'dad' some days ago, did you mean it?"
Harry shut his eyes, his thoughts were racing in his head. What should he answer? The truth? What would be Severus' reaction to that? Would he reject his feelings?
He suddenly felt an urge to break into laughter. He was pondering on the answer as if he had had to answer a girl's question about his true feelings. It was ridiculous, he decided.
"Of course I did. I wouldn't call you that if I hadn't intended to," his tone was natural, but toned with a bit of merriment.
Severus didn't react again for a long time. He leaned to the pillow and drew his legs up to his chest. Harry pulled his wand from under his pillow and ignited some more torches. Not too many, he really didn't want to embarrass Severus further, but the darkness was unnerving in such an important conversation.
"Harry, I have to tell you something," he began and Harry became nervous. It was the first occassion in the last two months or so that Severus called him by his original name. "I want you to understand me, so I ask you to let me tell you the whole story and don't interrupt me. Alright?"
"Alright," Harry trembled in nervousness.
Severus let his knees go and leaned back to the wall his eyes shut.
"Perhaps you remember what happened when I saw you standing in the Great Hall of Nightmare Manor," his voice was distant and cold.
"Yes. You were frozen," Harry nodded.
"Correct. I was frozen, I was shocked and I felt sick, and not because I recognised you in the first moment, but because I saw a child standing there..." Harry could see his hands clenching into fists as he said these words. "A child, again. And I don't think of Quietus. He wasn't a child when Voldemort caught him, he was as tall as me. But a child, a real child - again. Again, because my first victim as a Death Eater was a child, or better to say two children, siblings, a girl and a boy..." his voice faded, but Harry remained in silence. Severus asked him not to interrupt him and he had to give him the possibility. The opportunity to open up, to purge himself via a confession. Though, he could feel something akin to panic raising in him as he was listening to Severus.
"You have to know, I wasn't the one and only spy on Voldemort in that war, and not only Dumbledore had spies. The Ministry had his own people working in Voldemort's circle, however, not in his inner circle. It was a man, called Thomas Galvany. He was a Slytherin, he graduated three or four years before me and he married a Gryffindor girl whose name I don't know. He, somehow, was uncovered and Voldemort decided to warn us by giving him an exemplary punishment in front of all of his servants. He kidnapped his family and he and the inner circle tortured Galvany's children just to break him and his wife," at this point Severus began to tremble, but Harry didn't dare to touch him, to disturb him in his story-telling. "The two children were tortured ruthlessly. I... I'm not sure I don't want to tell you what they precisely did to them. I think you know it all too well. The parents... oh, Harry, I can't tell it!" he suddenly cried out loudly. "I was scared to death and I was trying to explain to myself why Voldemort did this. That time I believed him. Galvany was a traitor. He deserved it, I thought. But I couldn't help pitying him and his children. I was confused. And then Voldemort called me and asked me if I wanted to join him, to be marked by him. I said yes and he ordered me to use some Unforgivables on the children to show my loyalty to him," Severus buried his face into his palms. "Good lord, I felt weak and shattered. There were at least one hundred people looking at me expectantly, my parents amongst them, people whom I always wanted to join and my parents whom I always wanted to be pleased with me. But I simply couldn't torture the children any more. They were dying anyway. I cast the Killing Curse on them. Both of them," Severus' words began to become more and more unintelligable as his trembling grew. "I killed them. But the Dark Lord wasn't satisfied. He was enraged. He ordered me to torture the woman. And I did everything he wanted me to do. Everything. I cast the Cruciatus on her, I beat her and I raped her. And I killed her. And finally, after hours of torture I killed Thomas too. Voldemort marked me that night. My life ended then," this was the point Harry was at the end of his tether. He climbed to the bed next to Severus and touched his shoulder, but the man flinched under the soothing touch and moved away from Harry. "Don't touch me. Don't try to console me. I don't deserve it. Your father is Quietus whom I tortured too. Or James whom I always hated. Not me. You are as good as them. You can't be mine. I can't be yours. I will do everything to help you, but I can't be your father. I can't be anyone's father," with this, he turned his back to Harry and curled into a foetal position still trembling heavily.
Harry sighed and drew his hand back to his lap.
"I want you to remember our happy days," he began calmly. "There you once said that if you punished yourself by remaining separated and alone, you would hurt me as well. The situation hasn't changed, Severus. I know that my biological father was Quietus. I know that my stepfather was James. But they are dead. In Nightmare Manor you also promised me to be there for me as a parent. When Dumbledore asked us to pretend to be father and son, you said you liked the idea of me being your son. Since then we have been living together. And you - you have been like a real father to me. In every sense of the word. You care for me and you help me. Sometimes I think that you really consider me as your son..."
"I do."
"Then?"
"CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN'T BE YOUR FATHER! I'M A MURDERER, FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU'RE QUIETUS' SON, NOT MINE!" Severus yelled angrily with a deep sneer on his face.
Suddenly, there was a noise from the corridor. Snape froze in movement for an instant, but he recovered fast. He grabbed hs wand and, stepping to the door, opened it with a sudden gesture.
The corridor was empty.
"Perhaps the house-elves," Harry inhaled deeply as Severus turned to him shrugging wordlessly.
"Perhaps," he agreed. He shut the door and cast a silencing charm onto the room. "Or nobody," he said.
But the short interlude calmed him down enough to apologise.
"I'm sorry, Harry," he whispered sadly.
"No harm done," Harry cast a thoughtful look at him. "But I think it's you who can't understand things. NO!" he cried angrily when Severus opened his mouth. "Let me finish it. I knew very well about your past. It's over. You suffered enough in the last fifteen years. Just like me. Our situation is not about deserving. You ARE now a father for me. It's not a possibility. It's reality. I called you 'dad', because I accepted it, I accepted you. And don't forget: I was tortured some days ago just because you are my father. I assume my suffering gave me the right to refer you as my father if I want. And I want."
"But I..." Severus began weakly but Harry interrupted him this time.
"Please, don't reject me." He gulped. "Please."
"I can't and I won't never reject you, Harry. I didn't say all this because I want to reject you. I just... I just..." he stopped in mid-sentence. "Can't you understand?"
"It's you who can't understand, Severus. The past is over, even if you wanted to bring it back. You can't. You have a present and a future to live and you have me to raise properly. It's your task now. You can't linger on the past."
"As I see you don't need to be raised. You are an adult now."
"No, I'm not. I still need somebody to lean on, to help me. I still need a family, which I was denied all my life. I suffered enough for being your son to earn the right to be yours."
Severus finally didn't say a word, just sat next to Harry and put an arm on his shoulder.
They were sitting there in silence for a long time before going to bed.
***************************************************************************
'You are Quietus' son, not mine!' The words were echoing again and again in Black's mind.
Quietus' son.
Severus' brother. The perfect, the glorious, the merciful Quietus. The celebrity of Hogwarts, the best student of the century, the smiling bastard.
Seemingly he was the same as his slimy brother.
He never understood why Lily decided to marry James. She was Quietus' girlfriend. But now, everything was clear.
That bastard cheated on her. And this... this boy was the proof of his betrayal. She, somehow learned about the boy and she broke up their relationship. And as it happens many times in cases like this, Lily ran for help to James.
The bastard!
And his disgusting brother was still covering his betrayal, long after the event. Why? To conserve the glorious Quietus Snape's good reputation?
His rage was boiling inside him. He was sitting in the living room staring into the fire, not knowing what to do.
That was the past.
He made peace with Snape.
His 'son' was a good kid.
Quietus was dead.
Snape loved Harry. He even had tried to save him.
HARRY!
The boy who should have been Quietus' and Lily's child, but he was James', a sign of betrayal instead of the real love - Lily had been never in love with James. Harry, as a result of the pity from James' part and the vengeance from Lily's. Poor kid.
And he was pitying this Quietus kid too. He wasn't responsible for his father's betrayal and now, he was compelled to live with the smiling bastard's disgusting brother who rejected him.
Black leaned forward as a decision began to form in him.
This kid didn't deserve the rejection. He deserved a father, and if he wanted the slimy git to be his father, then he deserved Snape as his father.
He would talk to Snape.
As soon as he could.