Betaed by Barbara.
And sorry for being late.
And thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them.
And about the story: it will be 21 chapters - at least I think now.
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Chapter 14 - Serious talks
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"Tomorrow is Hogsmeade weekend. Do you mind going together?" asked Ares as he put some butter on his usual morning toast.
Harry glanced at him pondering what to say. Could they go together? His eyes narrowed as he eyed the brown-haired boy next to him.
"Dad wanted me to help brewing potions for the Infirmary," he said finally, and it was true: he and Severus really planned to brew the healing potions in the weekend. "But I'll ask him," he added hastily. He needed more time to decide and this seemed a good chance to obtain it.
"I see," Ares said, the disappointment transparent in his voice.
Harry sighed mentally. Ares never wanted to go to Hogsmeade, and now, he would like to go with Harry of all people! He shifted uncomfortably.
"I was at home in the winter holiday," Ares added matter-of-factly, but Harry couldn't help lifting his gaze at him in worry.
"Oh." Ares wasn't in contact with them since his father had been arrested as a Death Eater. "And what happened?" he asked curiously.
Ares shrugged.
"It's a long story," he bit his toast. "And I really don't want to tell you in front of the whole house."
Harry glanced around, and he noticed to himself that nobody was looking or listening to them.
"No one is paying attention," he turned his face to Ares.
Ares frowned.
"You can't be sure about that," his expression went rigid and, opening his Arithmancy book, he buried his face in it. His behaviour told Harry clearly: 'Leave me alone!'
Harry now sighed audibly.
"Look, I really." he began, but Ares interrupted him.
"I want to re-read the chapter before the lesson," he murmured and didn't lift his gaze from the book.
Harry felt a strong ache in his stomach as it churned in response to Ares's words. He didn't intend to hurt or offend the other boy, but he had managed it. Harry really didn't know what to do. His vision had warned him enough not to make sudden and dangerous moves, he wasn't ready to face the red- eyed monster - not yet, at least. He and Severus hadn't even started their Dark Magic course.
Ares didn't say a word in the whole Arithmancy lesson, and after its end he hurried to his Transfiguration class leaving Harry with Hermione. They headed to the defence classroom.
"I don't know what can I do with Ron," Hermione sighed just as they were alone in the empty hallway. "He's always so mean to you. And what he said Sunday."
Harry shrugged.
"Leave it. I don't mind. Anyway, today I have to go to McGonagall's office to talk to Ron and her. I don't really look forward to it, believe me. However, I'm quite sure the professor won't let him call me names like normal."
"He is such a bastard to you!"
"Yes, he is," Harry stopped and looked into Hermione's eyes. "But I don't think hundreds of talks can change him. He decided that he would hate me forever, and that's it. For some time I thought I could have his. sympathy at least if not friendship, but he never gave me even a little chance to get it. I'm just the disgusting Death-Eater-wanna-be Snape for him, he couldn't see through my name and his unreasonable hatred. For now, I gave up his friendship, totally."
Hermione nodded, and put a hand on Harry's arm. Both stopped in awe when Harry didn't flinch feeling the touch. Hermione smiled warmly.
"I'm happy professor Snape didn't give his resignation. He has changed a lot since he's with you, you know. He is not as biased and unjust as he used to be before."
"He is not a spy anymore, Hermione."
"Yes, but. not only this spy-stuff. He seems quieter. happier. You know, the first time I saw him as more than our not-so-favoured professor was Harry's funeral. He was completely broken then."
A flicker of pain appeared on Harry's face and he couldn't answer. Suddenly, the picture of the kneeling and crying Severus came to his mind and his heart stopped for a moment. What would his REAL death do to him? Would he survive losing Harry again - but this time irreversibly and forever? Harry shut his eyes tightly.
"Quietus?" Hermione's voice was clearly concerned. "Is there something wrong?"
Harry still couldn't open his eyes, just shook his head. There wasn't 'something' wrong. There was 'everything' wrong.
Hermione's hand on Harry's arm went firm, and she sneezed him slightly.
"Harry was tortured and killed there. And Severus blames himself for everything. He can't forgive himself for anything he did. However, for his whole life he was acting under coercion, even when Potter was caught. It was Potter's fault, the whole situation, not Severus's. Potter acted irresponsibly, when he left his uncle's house, and it was his fault that both were tortured horribly." Harry couldn't go on. The pictures of the previous nights attacked him fervently and aggressively. It had been the first time in their relationship, when five days ago Severus's nightmare had woken Harry and Harry had held Severus, he had comforted the trembling and half-conscious man, and since then every night had been filled with nightmares and tears - and Harry could see that Severus's nightmares had been mostly about Nightmare Manor and about their common captivity there.
Hermione scrutinised the unfocused boy in front of her.
Something was too odd, too personal in his behaviour Hermione couldn't put a finger on. As if it would be him, who blamed himself, however, he hadn't been there, he hadn't done anything. Tears dribbled from the boy's eyes, but he didn't notice them, just stood there and his shoulders trembled. Suddenly, Hermione put her arm on Harry's shoulder and pulled him closer into a comforting hug. Harry, in his daze accepted the friendly contact and leaned his head to her shoulder, struggling against the sob, which was about to erupt from his chest.
He still didn't retreated from the bodily contact. But none of them recognised that.
"We have to go, Quiet. We will be late," she murmured into Harry's ears after a few peaceful minutes.
Harry nodded and pulled out of the embrace, his eyes still red with his unleashed tears.
"Yes, we must go," he agreed and leaned over to pick up his bag.
Mrs Figg was already there when they entered the classroom. She cast a cool glance at them.
"Five points from Gryffindor for your delay, Miss Granger and a detention for you, Mr Snape, with Mr Filch," she said frowning.
The professor didn't like Harry, though after her confrontation with Severus she had never tried again to attack him - in reality she ignored him completely during the practical lessons, but she never missed any opportunity to give him detention. Harry smiled inwardly. No matter how Mrs Figg tried everything to make his situation worse, she wasn't as good at it as Severus had been to 'Potter' during the first four years. She didn't have the proper malice and the refined practice to do it.
He sighed and bowed at her politely and sat on his usual place next to Neville. Strangely, the professor's coldness eased his sadness, and he didn't feel himself so miserable. In the last months he had earned detentions only in her lessons, he thought to himself.
"Today, class, we begin a very complex and hard, but in the same time very useful, magic. As you all know, this summer He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rose again, and one of his first deeds was he persuading the Dementors of Azkaban to join him. So now, in the upcoming years we have to face them as well, wherever we go. For this, we have to learn the spell, which gives us the possibility to keep them away from ourselves and saves our lives in extreme situations. Do you know which spell I'm talking about?"
Of course, thought Harry, but he didn't lift his hand. He decided not to know the Patronus Charm. No, he had never heard about it before. Not at all. And no, he couldn't conjure it. And no, his Patronus's form is not a deer. Why would it be?
But Ron's and Hermione's hands were still in the air.
"Mr Weasley?" the professor bowed at the red-headed boy.
"The Patronus Charm, madam," Ron answered politely.
"Well, you answered the question brilliantly, ten points to Gryffindor."
"Professor?" asked Hermione suddenly. "Why do we learn this spell in defence class? It's a Charm, isn't it?"
The professor raised an eyebrow.
"Very good question, Miss Granger. Yes, this is a Charm, and of course, you will learn about it in Charms too. Professor Flitwick will teach you the theory behind it, and we will do the practical part in our classes. Other questions?"
Harry sighed deeply and fixed his gaze to the desk in front of him. His marks in this class weren't really abysmal, but they were his worst because of his difficulties in conjuring an appropriate shield in order to protect himself. Harry had already discovered that he had no problems in protecting others with his shields, but the professor hadn't been satisfied with his results.
And now, the Patronus Charm. He couldn't conjure even a weak Patronus if he didn't want to reveal himself. Not only Ron and Hermione knew his Patronus, but almost the whole school had seen it in the Quidditch match when Malfoy and his cronies had played their stupid prank on him.
Damn it. He was damned this year, Harry was sure. Not to mention the future... The near future in McGonagall's office.
Harry suddenly became aware of a piece of parchment in front of him. It read:
'What's the problem?'
Harry scribbled behind the first line:
'Ron.'
Neville wrote the next question.
'I can see something worries you. Did you cry?'
'None of your business,' was Harry's rude and embarrassed answer.
Neville grinned at him apologetically.
'What do you think about a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow?'
Harry froze. First Ares, now Neville. Nothing made his choice easier.
'Don't know yet. Leave-'
"Mr Snape," purred a slow voice ahead of him. Harry's breath stopped, and he lifted his head.
"Professor?"
"Give me that parchment," she said. When she saw Harry sitting motionless, she cried impatiently "NOW!"
Harry cringed slightly and lowering his head again, he handed the parchment to the teacher. He was waiting for a minute for the woman's reaction, but nothing happened. Then her footsteps grew more and more distant. She went back to her desk and put the sheet on it.
Harry was grateful when the lesson finally ended.
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"What's the matter, Quiet?" Snape stirred his potion cautiously until it became deep orange. When Harry didn't answer, Severus, still looking intensely at his concoction added "it's Ron, isn't it?"
Harry shrugged and took a knife to slice up the flobberworms.
"I assume the conversation with Minerva didn't go well."
"It's an understatement," Harry murmured angrily. "But at least you don't have to worry about your house's victory in the end of the year."
"How many points...?"
"Seventy, in total. However, I didn't say a word. I was just sitting there like an idiot, and Ron and McGonagall were shouting at each other as if I wasn't there at all. It wasn't a nice feeling, I can assure you. Finally, I asked the professor if my presence was necessary, and after she gave me a detention with Filch for my impertinence, I left."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Congratulations! Two detentions in one day!"
"But what a day, Severus!" Suddenly, Harry smiled widely. "Imagine, Hermione touched me and I didn't go black, or more so, I didn't even flinch!"
The stirrer stopped in Severus's hand and he looked at Harry with surprise.
"It's good news!" he said and his face mirrored Harry's smile. "You are beginning to heal, I hope."
"I think I've just started to trust Hermione more than everybody else, except for you, of course. She's the only friend of mine about whom I'm totally confident."
"What about the others?" Severus asked, his face again buried into his cauldron.
Harry tossed the sliced plants to Severus and picked a small cauldron and began to heat up water for the asphalt-based infusion.
"Be cautious, the last infusion was a little bit stick," the Potions Master glanced at him. "I had to increase the quantity of the other ingredients in order to brew it right. I almost failed it."
"Neville and Ares both want to accompany me tomorrow to Hogsmeade. I don't know if I can trust them," Harry furrowed his brows. "You know, I want to but... I'm simply too paranoid. Family heritage?" he winked at the frowning man.
"Quietus wasn't paranoid."
"You're my family too," Harry explained slowly as if he spoke to a little child. "Besides, Quietus was paranoid. He just didn't let anybody know it."
Severus's hand trembled slightly.
"Are you still reading his diary?"
"Sure. It's very... enlightening," Harry didn't sound happy.
Severus, however, didn't press him to continue. They worked in silence for a while.
"I don't understand Ron," Harry said after he put off the fire under the steaming cauldron. He collapsed into a chair and lifted his eyes to Severus's face. "You know I thought that after... after Sunday's events he wouldn't hate me as much as he hated me before," he choked.
Severus didn't answer for a long time. He put the last ingredients into Harry's infusion and mixed it with the potion in his cauldron. Then he put it aside and moved to sit facing Harry.
"I think I can explain it to you," he began looking into Harry's eyes seriously. "But I don't know if it's good to tell you or not. I don't want you to think that I'm jealous or anything..."
Harry put his elbows on the desk and leaned his head on his fists.
"I don't suppose you want to lie to me."
Snape shook his head.
"No, just... look, it's hard to speak about it. It's the thing why I hated you... I hated James Potter's son," he gulped in embarrassment, but Harry's face didn't contort in rage or disappointment. "When he saved my life after your godfather's prank, I resented him more than ever. When your worst enemy saves your life and you owe your life to him... it's a nauseous feeling. You feel, you'd better die or anything," he finally fell silent.
"But why, Severus, why does he hate me?" Harry cried desperately. "I think I understand this hating stuff, but I can't understand WHY did he chose to hate me just as he saw me in Diagon Alley?"
Severus sneered, but Harry knew it wasn't directed to him.
"He hates me, Harry. He hates me because I survived and his friend did not. Because I was always cruel to his friend - to you, Harry - and I failed to save you, as I really failed, it was the mere luck and another life debt, which saved your life... So, it's a kind of revenge. Revenge on me for you."
"Well, I thought the same," Harry nodded. "And what do you think I can do to convince him to..."
"You can't do anything, Quiet," Severus said quietly. "I'm sorry."
"You? I'm sorry Severus," Harry said and both stood up to continue their work.
It was quite late when they returned to their quarters, but to their astonishment two people were waiting for them in the hallway: the Headmaster and Lupin.
"Hello, Severus," Lupin smirked at them. "I came for my potions."
"I would have dropped it tomorrow anyway," Snape murmured, his eyes glittering angrily, as opened the quarters' door. With a short wave of his hand he ushered the guests into the sitting room. "So? What are you doing here?" he asked as his guests sat down.
"We came for tea, Severus," Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling in the torch- light.
Harry smirked and sank into his favourite armchair taking a warm cup in his hand. The werewolf looked at him.
"Hello, Harry," said Lupin unceremoniously.
Both Harry and Severus froze in movement.
"Bloody hell, Albus," Severus finally managed to choke some words. "Why did you tell him?"
"He didn't need to tell me, Severus," Lupin said, "I figured out to myself."
"You can't tell anybody about it!" Severus snapped to him. "It would endanger him exceedingly!" he added and suddenly, a thing came to his mind. "Does your idiot friend of a dog know it?"
"Severus!" cried Harry and Dumbledore in unison.
Lupin cast an ice-cold glance at his ex-colleague.
"Though, I don't think you have the right to keep it secret from him, I didn't tell him - for the Headmaster's sake, Severus. Sirius cares for Harry deeply, and he still didn't recovered from his grief, but I thought Albus had his reasons for keeping it secret from him - and he has already explained to me why it is so important not to tell Sirius. I, however, wanted to have a look at Harry and offer my help in anything you both need."
Snape snored indignantly.
"Thanks, but we don't need any help, Lupin. Especially not from you," he narrowed his eyes with hatred. "And especially not for Quietus. You are not his godfather or relative so you can leave him alone."
"Severus, I'm still in the room," Harry put his hand on Severus's arm, who turned his head towards the boy. "You don't need to be so impatient and rude. Professor Lupin had helped me in the past many times, and I trust him."
"He is almost as irresponsible as your godfather, Quiet. Remember your third year. He couldn't know that Black was innocent. On the contrary, he was sure about his friend's guilt, and still, he didn't help to protect you properly. I don't trust him, and now, I'm quite nervous about him."
"You don't have the right to speak about me this way, Severus. I can remember perfectly that you treated Harry like shit in the last years and."
"Yes, I know, I was wrong, but I always did my best to save his life while you were worrying about your friend and yourself!"
"It was me, who helped Harry to conjure a Patronus."
"And it was you, who forgot to take his potion when you decided to follow the kids to the Shrieking Shack! You could have killed them!"
At this point both were on their feet, their faces red with anger and they shouted at each other over the coffee table.
"You almost killed Sirius!" yelled Lupin so loudly that Harry winced.
"In order to save Harry! I didn't know about his innocence!" Snape's eyes were glittering dangerously, and one of his hands ran through his oily hair. Then he suddenly stopped. "But I think it's unnecessary to recall all those events. You know about our secret," he released his breath heavily.
The two men exchanged looks, but neither of them went on shouting. Harry shook his head with relief.
"Thank you for stopping this stupid quarrel," he looked at Severus and afterwards at Lupin. "And I assure you both that I trust in you," Harry added rubbing his burning eyes with his fists. "And I have to agree with Severus. I don't need help, at least not now, and we can't tell Sirius the truth. I know that he will be mad at me once he learns about it, I can understand your motives, professor, but Sirius still has to face the Ministry and I think you know about their questioning methods..."
Lupin nodded.
"Yes. Sirius told me stories about it."
Snape lowered his head, and his lips almost disappeared as he clenched them. Harry looked at him worriedly. He could remember perfectly Severus's remarks - but then, Severus looked at him, and Harry understood that the man was bitter about him, and his past encounters with Percy and his companions. He paled slightly. He didn't like to remember those events, the helplessness, the fear, the pain.
"I see what your point is," Lupin's words ripped the uncomfortable line of memories. "I won't tell Sirius, I swear. I'll wait for you to tell him in time."
After Lupin and Dumbledore left and Harry went to bed, he couldn't fall asleep. He was just lying on his sheet, his blanket wrapped tightly around him against the room's chilly air and his eyes were fixed to the ceiling, the well-known lines on it, which formed figures in Harry's imagination. One of them was like a lion with an open mouth as if he were roaring. Harry smiled as he remembered Severus's reaction when he had showed him the imagined lion on the ceiling of the Snake's Head of House. The man had been protesting for long hours - it had happened after an exceedingly horrible nightmare when Harry had been simply unable to fall asleep again.
Harry hated to sleep. Harry hated the nights. Sometimes he felt he hated his whole life.
At 1 a.m. he decided to read instead of the meaningless tossing and trying to sleep. He left the bedroom and taking his father's diary he lay on the sofa.
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The 31st of July 1976
What a disgusting anniversary is this day! I can't imagine something good can happen in this very day ever; I can see as my fears' and Trelawney's prophecy are about to be fulfilled: I will die soon. Severus joined Voldemort.
Good Lord, I always wanted, hoped, begged for this day not to happen, and now... I'm now at the Potters. I couldn't remain in the same apartment in which Sever was - I left him a letter to leave him with a message that I came here. Perhaps I should have remained with him? I don't know.
I got up early and I went to the kitchen to have some tea this morning. I found Severus sleeping on the sofa in the living room, in his usual black clothes. The previous evening he went to a party, at least he said it would be a party. I don't know when he arrived at home.
So, he was sleeping there, sometimes groaning in obvious pain.
He was crying in his sleep. He was crying and begging somebody to forgive him desperately.
He tossed and turned.
I wanted to help. I crouched next to him and put my hand on his forehead. He had a fever. I wetted a handkerchief and I laid it on his forehead and his wrists.
Then... Good God, it's so hard even to write down! The first thing I saw was that his clothes were bloody. I thought he was injured. I removed his outer robes until he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and pants - and... and I saw the Dark Mark burned into his flesh! It was a fresh tattoo, it was clear that he was initiated to Voldemort that night.
I can't tell you what I felt, how I felt. I didn't break down right there. I got onto my feet and packed all my stuff as fast as I could. I told Sever some days ago that I would go to the Potters for the summer. I planned to go some days later: Sever and I had tickets for a concert tomorrow. But I simply couldn't remain there and wait for him to regain consciousness.
I didn't want to hear his motives, his explanations. What he did - it's done, I can't alter it in any way. I lost my family, my best friend at once and for all.
Harold saw my strain and distraction and he called me to talk, but I refused. He doesn't like Severus, and I didn't want to give him a chance to hurt my brother. He lost, he completely lost his chance to live, I didn't want Harold to despise him, to tell James, to speak about it at the meals... No, Severus is still my brother.
He is, isn't he?
I hope, I want to hope against all hopes that he still loves me.
He does, doesn't he?
I don't think you know him. He is probably dead when you're reading these lines, or he is locked in Azkaban. If the latter is true, please, visit him for my sake! He is not as bad as many say about him. He is just cheated by our parents! Believe me!
Now, I miss Lily. Yes, you are right, but I still didn't tell her about my feelings. But in this very moment I miss her so badly! I'd like somebody next to me to understand without judging!
Oh, how I hate this day! I'd curse it as the worst day ever. The day of Severus's betrayal.
What does he think about me now?
How does he feel?
Will I see him again in my life?
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Harry stared at the page shattered. His tears were pricking his eyelashes. The day was his birthday. The day he was always waiting for. And seemingly, it was the last day of life for the free and young Severus Snape.
The page was crumpled by some liquid, Harry was sure the liquid was Quietus's tears. He ran his index finger on the folds of the paper and he felt his shoulders trembling with silent sobs. He really didn't need these entries to calm down. He felt Quietus's grief and he knew about Severus's feelings - the man once talked to Harry about it. The helplessness, the pain Snape had felt as he had awoken that day completely alone - but he couldn't undo the previous night's events: the murder of the Galvanys.
Severus had regretted the decision he made right that night. But he hadn't known what to do, how to exit.
Harry felt his hand on his shoulder.
"Can't sleep?" murmured a tired voice.
Harry shook his head in silence, but he fixed his eyes to the diary's pages. Severus would be upset to see him crying.
"I heard you crying," the man's quiet voice was toned by worry. "Is anything wrong?"
Harry didn't say a word, just tossed the book into Severus's hand. He cast a short glance at it.
"I can't see the writing, Quiet."
The boy sighed and read the entry. As he finished, he lowered the book and looked at Severus directly.
"Believe me and believe Quietus, Severus. You deserve life and happiness."
Snape didn't answer just dragged Harry to his chest and hugged him tightly.
"You compel me to live, stubborn prat."
"I need somebody to raise my children if I died," Harry mumbled into Severus's nightclothes. He could feel as the man's body went rigid against his embrace.
"What are you babbling, Quiet?" Severus pushed him to an arm's distance to look into his eyes.
"Trelawney's prophecy doesn't leave too many possibilities for me to live."
"Which prophecy?" Severus snapped angrily.
"In which she prophesised your brother's death, my mum's death and my temporary victory over Voldemort. The second half is about me only, it says that I have to die in order to destroy Voldemort."
"NO!" The short, but forceful cry of pain interrupted Harry. Severus's face contorted in torment and he pulled Harry closer again, almost crushing him with his arms. "I won't let you die! Never, Harry. I will do everything I can to keep you safe."
"I know. I don't want to die. But I'm so afraid..."
"I won't let Voldemort kill my son!"
Harry smiled weakly as he heard Severus's struggling to reassure and calm him down.
But somewhere, deep inside him he felt his pain rising at those words and he didn't dare to imagine what Severus would feel when he, finally, lost Harry.
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"Hey, Quiet! You seem tired," Harry heard Hermione's voice as he was struggling in the library against his tiredness.
He looked at the girl, who in that moment noticed his bloodshot eyes.
"I seem tired because I'm tired," Harry frowned annoying. "What are you doing here?"
"Studying. Next weekend there will be another Quidditch match against the Hufflepuff team, and Ron is again practising instead of studying. So, I came here to study with you. I knew you're alone here anyway. Your friends are not so keen on studying."
Harry shrugged.
"You're wrong. Ares is tutoring a fourth year girl in potions and Neville promised to come just after he and professor Sprout finished their work in the greenhouses."
Hermione chuckled.
"Ares is tutoring somebody?"
Harry smirked and winked.
"Not just somebody, Hermione. He is tutoring Greta Lee from Gryffindor."
"That blonde girl! I know her. But I didn't know she needed tutoring..."
Harry shook his head rolling his eyes.
"You're dense, Hermione."
The girl chuckled again and opened his Potions book.
"Can you tutor me in Potions, Mr Snape?" she asked in a flirting tone.
"Mental."
"Hey, you're the Potions Master's son! I think you're the appropriate person for tutoring!"
The next moment Harry's wand was pointed to Hermione's neck.
"One more word and I curse you! You are better than me in Potions to Severus's great grief! He never misses any chance to rub my noise in it!"
Hermione's face lit up.
"Really?"
Harry leaned back and his smirk widened into an ear-to-ear smile.
"Of course... not. He thinks I'm the best student in this school in every subject, including Potions. And I think he's right."
"What about Defence Against the Dark Arts?" Hermione asked, and though Harry could see as she regretted it just as the sentence was out, he couldn't help become angry.
"Dark magic isn't an Art, Hermione. And I'm better, much better than you think or professor Figg sees. I've already faced worse than my classmates or a stupid, middle-aged, cat-obsessed woman, and I survived it!" Harry yelled without thinking.
They were staring at each other for some long minutes. The library went silent around them and all of a sudden, Madam Pince appeared at the end of the bookshelf with an indignant expression on his face.
"Mr Snape, Miss Ev... Granger! The library isn't the place for managing personal affairs! You're disturbing your mates."
"We are not managing our personal affairs, Madam," Harry snorted as indignantly as Madam Pince. "We had a kind of misunderstanding - but I swear we finished it. Sorry for disturbing the library's order," he bowed at the older woman.
The polite words and gesture didn't miss their aim. Madam Pince returned to his desk smiling at the boy's courteous behaviour.
"She almost mixed me up with somebody else, did you hear?" Hermione turned to Harry just after the librarian left.
Harry shrugged.
"I didn't notice."
"And what about those cats?"
"What cats?" Harry blinked uncomfortably
"You called professor Figg a cat-obsessed woman. How do you know about her cats?"
'Personal experiences,' Harry wanted to say, but he managed to swallow the words before they got out.
"I know the teachers better than you. And father keeps telling stories about them," Harry compelled a blank expression on his face.
Hermione cast a long, intriguing look at him before turning away.
"What about accompanying me to Hogsmeade on Saturday?" she asked suddenly. "Ron has to practise and I don't want to go alone."
Relief washed over Harry. Hermione was a good excuse for Neville and Ares - however, he couldn't decide how Ron would react when he heard about it. He shared his worries with the girl.
"Oh," Hermione shrugged, "I've already explained to him that he was a git to you, and if he wants to remain my boyfriend, he has to accept that you're my friend," Hermione was now serious. "He didn't like it, but after that break in December he didn't want to risk another one, so he accepted my ultimatum. I told him if he ever hurt you again, I will leave him immediately."
"Silly girl," Harry smiled warmly. "I can't understand why do you care for me so much?"
A hint of uncertainty appeared on Hermione's face. Harry's eyes widened with disbelief. He had never seen Hermione uncertain!
"I don't know, Quiet. Your presence is so... familiar. I feel as if I knew you for years. No," she lift his voice as she saw Harry opening his mouth, "I don't think you're like Harry as Ron thinks, or... well, you're like him, and you're very different in the same time." Her shoulders lumped. "I don't know, really."
"It's okay," Harry mumbled embarrassed. He lifted his head, and their eyes locked.
"Am I disturbing you?" a sudden voice asked. They turned their heads towards the voice's direction. Janus Moon was standing on the same place where Madam Pince had stood some minutes ago.
"No," Harry answered matter-of-factly. "We are just discussing some things..." he waved with his hand vaguely.
Janus cleared his throat.
"I see," he said. "Er... I've just brought a packet to you."
Harry turned crimson in fluster.
"Thanks," he managed to croak hoarsely. Was it a gift from Leah?
"Don't bother. And one more counsel," he leaned over the desk to Harry's face. "if I ever catch you around my sister, I swear I kill you."
"What?" Harry felt stupid. He couldn't understand the meaning of Janus's words. "What's the problem?"
"Leah didn't know why were you avoiding her in the last weeks. Well," he looked at Hermione despisingly, "she should have known. And so should I. But she was so sure about you. Like me."
"But I didn't..." Harry was searching for words to apologise, but he couldn't finish the sentence.
"Leave her alone, Quietus. That packet is your gift. She sent back to you." With that, he stood and left.
Once they were alone, Harry leaned back and shut his eyes.
It hurt, but he could understand perfectly the girl's reaction. His cold and rejecting behaviour since the winter holiday must have hurt the girl like Hell. But he couldn't help it, he just wanted to be safe, to protect himself from Voldemort...
"Were you dating her?" he heard Hermione ask. He shook his head. Dating? No. They had barely spoken to each other. They were just looking and smiling. The only sign of his feeling was this gift in his hands - but now, she returned it to him, showing two things in the same time: first that she had felt something towards Harry, second that she was innocent. And he had pushed her away.
A sudden jolt of sympathy attacked him. He was really about to become just as paranoid as Severus was or more so. He suspected the girl falsely, just because he had a blurry vision about somebody, who planned to hand him over to Voldemort. He wasn't any better than Ron. Well, he never hurt the girl or attacked her with unfriendly words, but his cold demeanour towards her had to hurt her perhaps more than words could do.
He had a suspicion, and he acted according to it without any further concern about its truth, like Ron did towards him. Harry didn't give Leah any chance to show her truthfulness, he assumed after his vision that the most probable persons to betray him were Ares, Leah and perhaps Neville, but now, he realised that he was on friendly terms with almost all of the Gryffindors and many of the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. There were too many persons to be suspicious about. But he jumped to conclusions before examining their truth.
He really couldn't be mad at Ron. He wasn't any better than him. Not at all.
And now, he hurt Leah badly, perhaps irreversibly. To his sorrow he felt that he wanted the girl. Wanted to be around, to speak to her, to see her... But it was too late now, wasn't it?
Perhaps, he would have to ask for help from Severus. They were always talking about too serious themes, like Voldemort, the Ministry, the Aurors, Quietus, frightening prophecies, bloody past, fearful future - but Harry didn't know anything about girls and things like this, and he probably wouldn't live long enough to collect some experiences of his own. He needed Severus's counsels and opinions.
After some apologising words Harry left Hermione to return to their quarters.
He hoped Severus had some thoughts about this situation.
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Well, I try to do my best to upload before the weekend! The next chapter is almost finished.
And sorry for being late.
And thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them.
And about the story: it will be 21 chapters - at least I think now.
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Chapter 14 - Serious talks
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"Tomorrow is Hogsmeade weekend. Do you mind going together?" asked Ares as he put some butter on his usual morning toast.
Harry glanced at him pondering what to say. Could they go together? His eyes narrowed as he eyed the brown-haired boy next to him.
"Dad wanted me to help brewing potions for the Infirmary," he said finally, and it was true: he and Severus really planned to brew the healing potions in the weekend. "But I'll ask him," he added hastily. He needed more time to decide and this seemed a good chance to obtain it.
"I see," Ares said, the disappointment transparent in his voice.
Harry sighed mentally. Ares never wanted to go to Hogsmeade, and now, he would like to go with Harry of all people! He shifted uncomfortably.
"I was at home in the winter holiday," Ares added matter-of-factly, but Harry couldn't help lifting his gaze at him in worry.
"Oh." Ares wasn't in contact with them since his father had been arrested as a Death Eater. "And what happened?" he asked curiously.
Ares shrugged.
"It's a long story," he bit his toast. "And I really don't want to tell you in front of the whole house."
Harry glanced around, and he noticed to himself that nobody was looking or listening to them.
"No one is paying attention," he turned his face to Ares.
Ares frowned.
"You can't be sure about that," his expression went rigid and, opening his Arithmancy book, he buried his face in it. His behaviour told Harry clearly: 'Leave me alone!'
Harry now sighed audibly.
"Look, I really." he began, but Ares interrupted him.
"I want to re-read the chapter before the lesson," he murmured and didn't lift his gaze from the book.
Harry felt a strong ache in his stomach as it churned in response to Ares's words. He didn't intend to hurt or offend the other boy, but he had managed it. Harry really didn't know what to do. His vision had warned him enough not to make sudden and dangerous moves, he wasn't ready to face the red- eyed monster - not yet, at least. He and Severus hadn't even started their Dark Magic course.
Ares didn't say a word in the whole Arithmancy lesson, and after its end he hurried to his Transfiguration class leaving Harry with Hermione. They headed to the defence classroom.
"I don't know what can I do with Ron," Hermione sighed just as they were alone in the empty hallway. "He's always so mean to you. And what he said Sunday."
Harry shrugged.
"Leave it. I don't mind. Anyway, today I have to go to McGonagall's office to talk to Ron and her. I don't really look forward to it, believe me. However, I'm quite sure the professor won't let him call me names like normal."
"He is such a bastard to you!"
"Yes, he is," Harry stopped and looked into Hermione's eyes. "But I don't think hundreds of talks can change him. He decided that he would hate me forever, and that's it. For some time I thought I could have his. sympathy at least if not friendship, but he never gave me even a little chance to get it. I'm just the disgusting Death-Eater-wanna-be Snape for him, he couldn't see through my name and his unreasonable hatred. For now, I gave up his friendship, totally."
Hermione nodded, and put a hand on Harry's arm. Both stopped in awe when Harry didn't flinch feeling the touch. Hermione smiled warmly.
"I'm happy professor Snape didn't give his resignation. He has changed a lot since he's with you, you know. He is not as biased and unjust as he used to be before."
"He is not a spy anymore, Hermione."
"Yes, but. not only this spy-stuff. He seems quieter. happier. You know, the first time I saw him as more than our not-so-favoured professor was Harry's funeral. He was completely broken then."
A flicker of pain appeared on Harry's face and he couldn't answer. Suddenly, the picture of the kneeling and crying Severus came to his mind and his heart stopped for a moment. What would his REAL death do to him? Would he survive losing Harry again - but this time irreversibly and forever? Harry shut his eyes tightly.
"Quietus?" Hermione's voice was clearly concerned. "Is there something wrong?"
Harry still couldn't open his eyes, just shook his head. There wasn't 'something' wrong. There was 'everything' wrong.
Hermione's hand on Harry's arm went firm, and she sneezed him slightly.
"Harry was tortured and killed there. And Severus blames himself for everything. He can't forgive himself for anything he did. However, for his whole life he was acting under coercion, even when Potter was caught. It was Potter's fault, the whole situation, not Severus's. Potter acted irresponsibly, when he left his uncle's house, and it was his fault that both were tortured horribly." Harry couldn't go on. The pictures of the previous nights attacked him fervently and aggressively. It had been the first time in their relationship, when five days ago Severus's nightmare had woken Harry and Harry had held Severus, he had comforted the trembling and half-conscious man, and since then every night had been filled with nightmares and tears - and Harry could see that Severus's nightmares had been mostly about Nightmare Manor and about their common captivity there.
Hermione scrutinised the unfocused boy in front of her.
Something was too odd, too personal in his behaviour Hermione couldn't put a finger on. As if it would be him, who blamed himself, however, he hadn't been there, he hadn't done anything. Tears dribbled from the boy's eyes, but he didn't notice them, just stood there and his shoulders trembled. Suddenly, Hermione put her arm on Harry's shoulder and pulled him closer into a comforting hug. Harry, in his daze accepted the friendly contact and leaned his head to her shoulder, struggling against the sob, which was about to erupt from his chest.
He still didn't retreated from the bodily contact. But none of them recognised that.
"We have to go, Quiet. We will be late," she murmured into Harry's ears after a few peaceful minutes.
Harry nodded and pulled out of the embrace, his eyes still red with his unleashed tears.
"Yes, we must go," he agreed and leaned over to pick up his bag.
Mrs Figg was already there when they entered the classroom. She cast a cool glance at them.
"Five points from Gryffindor for your delay, Miss Granger and a detention for you, Mr Snape, with Mr Filch," she said frowning.
The professor didn't like Harry, though after her confrontation with Severus she had never tried again to attack him - in reality she ignored him completely during the practical lessons, but she never missed any opportunity to give him detention. Harry smiled inwardly. No matter how Mrs Figg tried everything to make his situation worse, she wasn't as good at it as Severus had been to 'Potter' during the first four years. She didn't have the proper malice and the refined practice to do it.
He sighed and bowed at her politely and sat on his usual place next to Neville. Strangely, the professor's coldness eased his sadness, and he didn't feel himself so miserable. In the last months he had earned detentions only in her lessons, he thought to himself.
"Today, class, we begin a very complex and hard, but in the same time very useful, magic. As you all know, this summer He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rose again, and one of his first deeds was he persuading the Dementors of Azkaban to join him. So now, in the upcoming years we have to face them as well, wherever we go. For this, we have to learn the spell, which gives us the possibility to keep them away from ourselves and saves our lives in extreme situations. Do you know which spell I'm talking about?"
Of course, thought Harry, but he didn't lift his hand. He decided not to know the Patronus Charm. No, he had never heard about it before. Not at all. And no, he couldn't conjure it. And no, his Patronus's form is not a deer. Why would it be?
But Ron's and Hermione's hands were still in the air.
"Mr Weasley?" the professor bowed at the red-headed boy.
"The Patronus Charm, madam," Ron answered politely.
"Well, you answered the question brilliantly, ten points to Gryffindor."
"Professor?" asked Hermione suddenly. "Why do we learn this spell in defence class? It's a Charm, isn't it?"
The professor raised an eyebrow.
"Very good question, Miss Granger. Yes, this is a Charm, and of course, you will learn about it in Charms too. Professor Flitwick will teach you the theory behind it, and we will do the practical part in our classes. Other questions?"
Harry sighed deeply and fixed his gaze to the desk in front of him. His marks in this class weren't really abysmal, but they were his worst because of his difficulties in conjuring an appropriate shield in order to protect himself. Harry had already discovered that he had no problems in protecting others with his shields, but the professor hadn't been satisfied with his results.
And now, the Patronus Charm. He couldn't conjure even a weak Patronus if he didn't want to reveal himself. Not only Ron and Hermione knew his Patronus, but almost the whole school had seen it in the Quidditch match when Malfoy and his cronies had played their stupid prank on him.
Damn it. He was damned this year, Harry was sure. Not to mention the future... The near future in McGonagall's office.
Harry suddenly became aware of a piece of parchment in front of him. It read:
'What's the problem?'
Harry scribbled behind the first line:
'Ron.'
Neville wrote the next question.
'I can see something worries you. Did you cry?'
'None of your business,' was Harry's rude and embarrassed answer.
Neville grinned at him apologetically.
'What do you think about a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow?'
Harry froze. First Ares, now Neville. Nothing made his choice easier.
'Don't know yet. Leave-'
"Mr Snape," purred a slow voice ahead of him. Harry's breath stopped, and he lifted his head.
"Professor?"
"Give me that parchment," she said. When she saw Harry sitting motionless, she cried impatiently "NOW!"
Harry cringed slightly and lowering his head again, he handed the parchment to the teacher. He was waiting for a minute for the woman's reaction, but nothing happened. Then her footsteps grew more and more distant. She went back to her desk and put the sheet on it.
Harry was grateful when the lesson finally ended.
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"What's the matter, Quiet?" Snape stirred his potion cautiously until it became deep orange. When Harry didn't answer, Severus, still looking intensely at his concoction added "it's Ron, isn't it?"
Harry shrugged and took a knife to slice up the flobberworms.
"I assume the conversation with Minerva didn't go well."
"It's an understatement," Harry murmured angrily. "But at least you don't have to worry about your house's victory in the end of the year."
"How many points...?"
"Seventy, in total. However, I didn't say a word. I was just sitting there like an idiot, and Ron and McGonagall were shouting at each other as if I wasn't there at all. It wasn't a nice feeling, I can assure you. Finally, I asked the professor if my presence was necessary, and after she gave me a detention with Filch for my impertinence, I left."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Congratulations! Two detentions in one day!"
"But what a day, Severus!" Suddenly, Harry smiled widely. "Imagine, Hermione touched me and I didn't go black, or more so, I didn't even flinch!"
The stirrer stopped in Severus's hand and he looked at Harry with surprise.
"It's good news!" he said and his face mirrored Harry's smile. "You are beginning to heal, I hope."
"I think I've just started to trust Hermione more than everybody else, except for you, of course. She's the only friend of mine about whom I'm totally confident."
"What about the others?" Severus asked, his face again buried into his cauldron.
Harry tossed the sliced plants to Severus and picked a small cauldron and began to heat up water for the asphalt-based infusion.
"Be cautious, the last infusion was a little bit stick," the Potions Master glanced at him. "I had to increase the quantity of the other ingredients in order to brew it right. I almost failed it."
"Neville and Ares both want to accompany me tomorrow to Hogsmeade. I don't know if I can trust them," Harry furrowed his brows. "You know, I want to but... I'm simply too paranoid. Family heritage?" he winked at the frowning man.
"Quietus wasn't paranoid."
"You're my family too," Harry explained slowly as if he spoke to a little child. "Besides, Quietus was paranoid. He just didn't let anybody know it."
Severus's hand trembled slightly.
"Are you still reading his diary?"
"Sure. It's very... enlightening," Harry didn't sound happy.
Severus, however, didn't press him to continue. They worked in silence for a while.
"I don't understand Ron," Harry said after he put off the fire under the steaming cauldron. He collapsed into a chair and lifted his eyes to Severus's face. "You know I thought that after... after Sunday's events he wouldn't hate me as much as he hated me before," he choked.
Severus didn't answer for a long time. He put the last ingredients into Harry's infusion and mixed it with the potion in his cauldron. Then he put it aside and moved to sit facing Harry.
"I think I can explain it to you," he began looking into Harry's eyes seriously. "But I don't know if it's good to tell you or not. I don't want you to think that I'm jealous or anything..."
Harry put his elbows on the desk and leaned his head on his fists.
"I don't suppose you want to lie to me."
Snape shook his head.
"No, just... look, it's hard to speak about it. It's the thing why I hated you... I hated James Potter's son," he gulped in embarrassment, but Harry's face didn't contort in rage or disappointment. "When he saved my life after your godfather's prank, I resented him more than ever. When your worst enemy saves your life and you owe your life to him... it's a nauseous feeling. You feel, you'd better die or anything," he finally fell silent.
"But why, Severus, why does he hate me?" Harry cried desperately. "I think I understand this hating stuff, but I can't understand WHY did he chose to hate me just as he saw me in Diagon Alley?"
Severus sneered, but Harry knew it wasn't directed to him.
"He hates me, Harry. He hates me because I survived and his friend did not. Because I was always cruel to his friend - to you, Harry - and I failed to save you, as I really failed, it was the mere luck and another life debt, which saved your life... So, it's a kind of revenge. Revenge on me for you."
"Well, I thought the same," Harry nodded. "And what do you think I can do to convince him to..."
"You can't do anything, Quiet," Severus said quietly. "I'm sorry."
"You? I'm sorry Severus," Harry said and both stood up to continue their work.
It was quite late when they returned to their quarters, but to their astonishment two people were waiting for them in the hallway: the Headmaster and Lupin.
"Hello, Severus," Lupin smirked at them. "I came for my potions."
"I would have dropped it tomorrow anyway," Snape murmured, his eyes glittering angrily, as opened the quarters' door. With a short wave of his hand he ushered the guests into the sitting room. "So? What are you doing here?" he asked as his guests sat down.
"We came for tea, Severus," Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling in the torch- light.
Harry smirked and sank into his favourite armchair taking a warm cup in his hand. The werewolf looked at him.
"Hello, Harry," said Lupin unceremoniously.
Both Harry and Severus froze in movement.
"Bloody hell, Albus," Severus finally managed to choke some words. "Why did you tell him?"
"He didn't need to tell me, Severus," Lupin said, "I figured out to myself."
"You can't tell anybody about it!" Severus snapped to him. "It would endanger him exceedingly!" he added and suddenly, a thing came to his mind. "Does your idiot friend of a dog know it?"
"Severus!" cried Harry and Dumbledore in unison.
Lupin cast an ice-cold glance at his ex-colleague.
"Though, I don't think you have the right to keep it secret from him, I didn't tell him - for the Headmaster's sake, Severus. Sirius cares for Harry deeply, and he still didn't recovered from his grief, but I thought Albus had his reasons for keeping it secret from him - and he has already explained to me why it is so important not to tell Sirius. I, however, wanted to have a look at Harry and offer my help in anything you both need."
Snape snored indignantly.
"Thanks, but we don't need any help, Lupin. Especially not from you," he narrowed his eyes with hatred. "And especially not for Quietus. You are not his godfather or relative so you can leave him alone."
"Severus, I'm still in the room," Harry put his hand on Severus's arm, who turned his head towards the boy. "You don't need to be so impatient and rude. Professor Lupin had helped me in the past many times, and I trust him."
"He is almost as irresponsible as your godfather, Quiet. Remember your third year. He couldn't know that Black was innocent. On the contrary, he was sure about his friend's guilt, and still, he didn't help to protect you properly. I don't trust him, and now, I'm quite nervous about him."
"You don't have the right to speak about me this way, Severus. I can remember perfectly that you treated Harry like shit in the last years and."
"Yes, I know, I was wrong, but I always did my best to save his life while you were worrying about your friend and yourself!"
"It was me, who helped Harry to conjure a Patronus."
"And it was you, who forgot to take his potion when you decided to follow the kids to the Shrieking Shack! You could have killed them!"
At this point both were on their feet, their faces red with anger and they shouted at each other over the coffee table.
"You almost killed Sirius!" yelled Lupin so loudly that Harry winced.
"In order to save Harry! I didn't know about his innocence!" Snape's eyes were glittering dangerously, and one of his hands ran through his oily hair. Then he suddenly stopped. "But I think it's unnecessary to recall all those events. You know about our secret," he released his breath heavily.
The two men exchanged looks, but neither of them went on shouting. Harry shook his head with relief.
"Thank you for stopping this stupid quarrel," he looked at Severus and afterwards at Lupin. "And I assure you both that I trust in you," Harry added rubbing his burning eyes with his fists. "And I have to agree with Severus. I don't need help, at least not now, and we can't tell Sirius the truth. I know that he will be mad at me once he learns about it, I can understand your motives, professor, but Sirius still has to face the Ministry and I think you know about their questioning methods..."
Lupin nodded.
"Yes. Sirius told me stories about it."
Snape lowered his head, and his lips almost disappeared as he clenched them. Harry looked at him worriedly. He could remember perfectly Severus's remarks - but then, Severus looked at him, and Harry understood that the man was bitter about him, and his past encounters with Percy and his companions. He paled slightly. He didn't like to remember those events, the helplessness, the fear, the pain.
"I see what your point is," Lupin's words ripped the uncomfortable line of memories. "I won't tell Sirius, I swear. I'll wait for you to tell him in time."
After Lupin and Dumbledore left and Harry went to bed, he couldn't fall asleep. He was just lying on his sheet, his blanket wrapped tightly around him against the room's chilly air and his eyes were fixed to the ceiling, the well-known lines on it, which formed figures in Harry's imagination. One of them was like a lion with an open mouth as if he were roaring. Harry smiled as he remembered Severus's reaction when he had showed him the imagined lion on the ceiling of the Snake's Head of House. The man had been protesting for long hours - it had happened after an exceedingly horrible nightmare when Harry had been simply unable to fall asleep again.
Harry hated to sleep. Harry hated the nights. Sometimes he felt he hated his whole life.
At 1 a.m. he decided to read instead of the meaningless tossing and trying to sleep. He left the bedroom and taking his father's diary he lay on the sofa.
********
The 31st of July 1976
What a disgusting anniversary is this day! I can't imagine something good can happen in this very day ever; I can see as my fears' and Trelawney's prophecy are about to be fulfilled: I will die soon. Severus joined Voldemort.
Good Lord, I always wanted, hoped, begged for this day not to happen, and now... I'm now at the Potters. I couldn't remain in the same apartment in which Sever was - I left him a letter to leave him with a message that I came here. Perhaps I should have remained with him? I don't know.
I got up early and I went to the kitchen to have some tea this morning. I found Severus sleeping on the sofa in the living room, in his usual black clothes. The previous evening he went to a party, at least he said it would be a party. I don't know when he arrived at home.
So, he was sleeping there, sometimes groaning in obvious pain.
He was crying in his sleep. He was crying and begging somebody to forgive him desperately.
He tossed and turned.
I wanted to help. I crouched next to him and put my hand on his forehead. He had a fever. I wetted a handkerchief and I laid it on his forehead and his wrists.
Then... Good God, it's so hard even to write down! The first thing I saw was that his clothes were bloody. I thought he was injured. I removed his outer robes until he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and pants - and... and I saw the Dark Mark burned into his flesh! It was a fresh tattoo, it was clear that he was initiated to Voldemort that night.
I can't tell you what I felt, how I felt. I didn't break down right there. I got onto my feet and packed all my stuff as fast as I could. I told Sever some days ago that I would go to the Potters for the summer. I planned to go some days later: Sever and I had tickets for a concert tomorrow. But I simply couldn't remain there and wait for him to regain consciousness.
I didn't want to hear his motives, his explanations. What he did - it's done, I can't alter it in any way. I lost my family, my best friend at once and for all.
Harold saw my strain and distraction and he called me to talk, but I refused. He doesn't like Severus, and I didn't want to give him a chance to hurt my brother. He lost, he completely lost his chance to live, I didn't want Harold to despise him, to tell James, to speak about it at the meals... No, Severus is still my brother.
He is, isn't he?
I hope, I want to hope against all hopes that he still loves me.
He does, doesn't he?
I don't think you know him. He is probably dead when you're reading these lines, or he is locked in Azkaban. If the latter is true, please, visit him for my sake! He is not as bad as many say about him. He is just cheated by our parents! Believe me!
Now, I miss Lily. Yes, you are right, but I still didn't tell her about my feelings. But in this very moment I miss her so badly! I'd like somebody next to me to understand without judging!
Oh, how I hate this day! I'd curse it as the worst day ever. The day of Severus's betrayal.
What does he think about me now?
How does he feel?
Will I see him again in my life?
********
Harry stared at the page shattered. His tears were pricking his eyelashes. The day was his birthday. The day he was always waiting for. And seemingly, it was the last day of life for the free and young Severus Snape.
The page was crumpled by some liquid, Harry was sure the liquid was Quietus's tears. He ran his index finger on the folds of the paper and he felt his shoulders trembling with silent sobs. He really didn't need these entries to calm down. He felt Quietus's grief and he knew about Severus's feelings - the man once talked to Harry about it. The helplessness, the pain Snape had felt as he had awoken that day completely alone - but he couldn't undo the previous night's events: the murder of the Galvanys.
Severus had regretted the decision he made right that night. But he hadn't known what to do, how to exit.
Harry felt his hand on his shoulder.
"Can't sleep?" murmured a tired voice.
Harry shook his head in silence, but he fixed his eyes to the diary's pages. Severus would be upset to see him crying.
"I heard you crying," the man's quiet voice was toned by worry. "Is anything wrong?"
Harry didn't say a word, just tossed the book into Severus's hand. He cast a short glance at it.
"I can't see the writing, Quiet."
The boy sighed and read the entry. As he finished, he lowered the book and looked at Severus directly.
"Believe me and believe Quietus, Severus. You deserve life and happiness."
Snape didn't answer just dragged Harry to his chest and hugged him tightly.
"You compel me to live, stubborn prat."
"I need somebody to raise my children if I died," Harry mumbled into Severus's nightclothes. He could feel as the man's body went rigid against his embrace.
"What are you babbling, Quiet?" Severus pushed him to an arm's distance to look into his eyes.
"Trelawney's prophecy doesn't leave too many possibilities for me to live."
"Which prophecy?" Severus snapped angrily.
"In which she prophesised your brother's death, my mum's death and my temporary victory over Voldemort. The second half is about me only, it says that I have to die in order to destroy Voldemort."
"NO!" The short, but forceful cry of pain interrupted Harry. Severus's face contorted in torment and he pulled Harry closer again, almost crushing him with his arms. "I won't let you die! Never, Harry. I will do everything I can to keep you safe."
"I know. I don't want to die. But I'm so afraid..."
"I won't let Voldemort kill my son!"
Harry smiled weakly as he heard Severus's struggling to reassure and calm him down.
But somewhere, deep inside him he felt his pain rising at those words and he didn't dare to imagine what Severus would feel when he, finally, lost Harry.
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"Hey, Quiet! You seem tired," Harry heard Hermione's voice as he was struggling in the library against his tiredness.
He looked at the girl, who in that moment noticed his bloodshot eyes.
"I seem tired because I'm tired," Harry frowned annoying. "What are you doing here?"
"Studying. Next weekend there will be another Quidditch match against the Hufflepuff team, and Ron is again practising instead of studying. So, I came here to study with you. I knew you're alone here anyway. Your friends are not so keen on studying."
Harry shrugged.
"You're wrong. Ares is tutoring a fourth year girl in potions and Neville promised to come just after he and professor Sprout finished their work in the greenhouses."
Hermione chuckled.
"Ares is tutoring somebody?"
Harry smirked and winked.
"Not just somebody, Hermione. He is tutoring Greta Lee from Gryffindor."
"That blonde girl! I know her. But I didn't know she needed tutoring..."
Harry shook his head rolling his eyes.
"You're dense, Hermione."
The girl chuckled again and opened his Potions book.
"Can you tutor me in Potions, Mr Snape?" she asked in a flirting tone.
"Mental."
"Hey, you're the Potions Master's son! I think you're the appropriate person for tutoring!"
The next moment Harry's wand was pointed to Hermione's neck.
"One more word and I curse you! You are better than me in Potions to Severus's great grief! He never misses any chance to rub my noise in it!"
Hermione's face lit up.
"Really?"
Harry leaned back and his smirk widened into an ear-to-ear smile.
"Of course... not. He thinks I'm the best student in this school in every subject, including Potions. And I think he's right."
"What about Defence Against the Dark Arts?" Hermione asked, and though Harry could see as she regretted it just as the sentence was out, he couldn't help become angry.
"Dark magic isn't an Art, Hermione. And I'm better, much better than you think or professor Figg sees. I've already faced worse than my classmates or a stupid, middle-aged, cat-obsessed woman, and I survived it!" Harry yelled without thinking.
They were staring at each other for some long minutes. The library went silent around them and all of a sudden, Madam Pince appeared at the end of the bookshelf with an indignant expression on his face.
"Mr Snape, Miss Ev... Granger! The library isn't the place for managing personal affairs! You're disturbing your mates."
"We are not managing our personal affairs, Madam," Harry snorted as indignantly as Madam Pince. "We had a kind of misunderstanding - but I swear we finished it. Sorry for disturbing the library's order," he bowed at the older woman.
The polite words and gesture didn't miss their aim. Madam Pince returned to his desk smiling at the boy's courteous behaviour.
"She almost mixed me up with somebody else, did you hear?" Hermione turned to Harry just after the librarian left.
Harry shrugged.
"I didn't notice."
"And what about those cats?"
"What cats?" Harry blinked uncomfortably
"You called professor Figg a cat-obsessed woman. How do you know about her cats?"
'Personal experiences,' Harry wanted to say, but he managed to swallow the words before they got out.
"I know the teachers better than you. And father keeps telling stories about them," Harry compelled a blank expression on his face.
Hermione cast a long, intriguing look at him before turning away.
"What about accompanying me to Hogsmeade on Saturday?" she asked suddenly. "Ron has to practise and I don't want to go alone."
Relief washed over Harry. Hermione was a good excuse for Neville and Ares - however, he couldn't decide how Ron would react when he heard about it. He shared his worries with the girl.
"Oh," Hermione shrugged, "I've already explained to him that he was a git to you, and if he wants to remain my boyfriend, he has to accept that you're my friend," Hermione was now serious. "He didn't like it, but after that break in December he didn't want to risk another one, so he accepted my ultimatum. I told him if he ever hurt you again, I will leave him immediately."
"Silly girl," Harry smiled warmly. "I can't understand why do you care for me so much?"
A hint of uncertainty appeared on Hermione's face. Harry's eyes widened with disbelief. He had never seen Hermione uncertain!
"I don't know, Quiet. Your presence is so... familiar. I feel as if I knew you for years. No," she lift his voice as she saw Harry opening his mouth, "I don't think you're like Harry as Ron thinks, or... well, you're like him, and you're very different in the same time." Her shoulders lumped. "I don't know, really."
"It's okay," Harry mumbled embarrassed. He lifted his head, and their eyes locked.
"Am I disturbing you?" a sudden voice asked. They turned their heads towards the voice's direction. Janus Moon was standing on the same place where Madam Pince had stood some minutes ago.
"No," Harry answered matter-of-factly. "We are just discussing some things..." he waved with his hand vaguely.
Janus cleared his throat.
"I see," he said. "Er... I've just brought a packet to you."
Harry turned crimson in fluster.
"Thanks," he managed to croak hoarsely. Was it a gift from Leah?
"Don't bother. And one more counsel," he leaned over the desk to Harry's face. "if I ever catch you around my sister, I swear I kill you."
"What?" Harry felt stupid. He couldn't understand the meaning of Janus's words. "What's the problem?"
"Leah didn't know why were you avoiding her in the last weeks. Well," he looked at Hermione despisingly, "she should have known. And so should I. But she was so sure about you. Like me."
"But I didn't..." Harry was searching for words to apologise, but he couldn't finish the sentence.
"Leave her alone, Quietus. That packet is your gift. She sent back to you." With that, he stood and left.
Once they were alone, Harry leaned back and shut his eyes.
It hurt, but he could understand perfectly the girl's reaction. His cold and rejecting behaviour since the winter holiday must have hurt the girl like Hell. But he couldn't help it, he just wanted to be safe, to protect himself from Voldemort...
"Were you dating her?" he heard Hermione ask. He shook his head. Dating? No. They had barely spoken to each other. They were just looking and smiling. The only sign of his feeling was this gift in his hands - but now, she returned it to him, showing two things in the same time: first that she had felt something towards Harry, second that she was innocent. And he had pushed her away.
A sudden jolt of sympathy attacked him. He was really about to become just as paranoid as Severus was or more so. He suspected the girl falsely, just because he had a blurry vision about somebody, who planned to hand him over to Voldemort. He wasn't any better than Ron. Well, he never hurt the girl or attacked her with unfriendly words, but his cold demeanour towards her had to hurt her perhaps more than words could do.
He had a suspicion, and he acted according to it without any further concern about its truth, like Ron did towards him. Harry didn't give Leah any chance to show her truthfulness, he assumed after his vision that the most probable persons to betray him were Ares, Leah and perhaps Neville, but now, he realised that he was on friendly terms with almost all of the Gryffindors and many of the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. There were too many persons to be suspicious about. But he jumped to conclusions before examining their truth.
He really couldn't be mad at Ron. He wasn't any better than him. Not at all.
And now, he hurt Leah badly, perhaps irreversibly. To his sorrow he felt that he wanted the girl. Wanted to be around, to speak to her, to see her... But it was too late now, wasn't it?
Perhaps, he would have to ask for help from Severus. They were always talking about too serious themes, like Voldemort, the Ministry, the Aurors, Quietus, frightening prophecies, bloody past, fearful future - but Harry didn't know anything about girls and things like this, and he probably wouldn't live long enough to collect some experiences of his own. He needed Severus's counsels and opinions.
After some apologising words Harry left Hermione to return to their quarters.
He hoped Severus had some thoughts about this situation.
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Well, I try to do my best to upload before the weekend! The next chapter is almost finished.