"I guess I have to start somewhere." Mac took a deep breath. "Remember when
you were talking with Sturgis and you said every guy I ever dated was
either 'dead or felt like they were'?"
"Hey Mac you know I didn't mean it like that I was just joking around with Sturgis when he was trying to figure out what was going on with us." Harm protested.
"I know." Mac replied.
"How did Sturgis ever find out you loved me before I did?"
"It was the day he phoned you about my visions. He came to see me to discuss the 'tension' between us. I kept saying it was nothing. I told him I hadn't slept with you. He asked me if that was the problem. I told him it wasn't a problem at all. He asked me why I didn't just get over it and move on and it sort just slipped out. I honestly didn't mean to say anything, once I had realised what I had said I made him promise not to say anything."
"You could have told me a lot sooner yourself you know."
"I did try over the years, we seemed to have half conversations, one of us always running of somewhere, life got in the way and we weren't ready to admit to anything."
"Then you got pregnant." Harm supplied.
"Life has a funny way of pushing people together I guess. Besides we probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Jenny." Harm looked at her. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. What I meant was that if I hadn't got pregnant we would have probably still been skirting around this protesting that we were just best friends."
"I know. Fate has bigger plans for us. Do you want to stop for a minute?" He asked as they neared the edge of a pond. Mac nodded and they sat on the bench that looked out over the cold water.
"Right I'm going to say this and I need you not to interrupt me. Just let me get it all out and then we can talk."
"Okay."
"When you said every guy was dead or felt like they were, you were right." He opened his mouth to protest but she put a finger on his lips. Every guy who I ever thought loved me has either died or left. Chris, Eddie, Dalton, John, or they've abandoned me, my father emotionally abandoned me a long time ago, Mom left, when I thought we were getting somewhere so did you. And before you say anything I know you had to go, it was something you had to do, but it still didn't make a difference in my head that you were abandoning me and Mic was a way to make up for that, a stupid mistake, but he left too. So when Dr Jordon and I talked about it, I figured out that somewhere deep down in my subconscious I think that you're going to leave me again just like every other guy in my life."
"Mac, you know if I can help it I'm never going anywhere."
"I know. For a long time the only man I trusted was Uncle Matt, he was there when I hit rock bottom and I need help to find my way back. The Marines' helped building up myself confidence but that fear of being abandoned doesn't go away. Then I met you that day in the rose garden, you were this cocky pilot turned lawyer, with your gold wings, but for some reason I trusted you, especially when you helped Uncle Matt, for some reason I knew that you were going to be there if I needed you. But when you left to go flying again something in my brain triggered that it was me you were leaving, it didn't matter that it was your dream and that flying was what you needed to do, you were leaving me. Some where in my brain, I always seem to think that you're going to leave me for good and you're not going to come back. That's why I keep pushing you away, to prove to myself that I can cope, that I can look after Jenny by myself."
"Mac, I promise you I'm not going anywhere, I love you and I want to marry you."
"I know, in my heart I know that, but my head needs to learn to believe it. That's what Dr Jordon and I are working on. I just need you to know that, I'm trying."
"I love you and we'll get through this together. I promise."
"I love you too."
"Hey Mac you know I didn't mean it like that I was just joking around with Sturgis when he was trying to figure out what was going on with us." Harm protested.
"I know." Mac replied.
"How did Sturgis ever find out you loved me before I did?"
"It was the day he phoned you about my visions. He came to see me to discuss the 'tension' between us. I kept saying it was nothing. I told him I hadn't slept with you. He asked me if that was the problem. I told him it wasn't a problem at all. He asked me why I didn't just get over it and move on and it sort just slipped out. I honestly didn't mean to say anything, once I had realised what I had said I made him promise not to say anything."
"You could have told me a lot sooner yourself you know."
"I did try over the years, we seemed to have half conversations, one of us always running of somewhere, life got in the way and we weren't ready to admit to anything."
"Then you got pregnant." Harm supplied.
"Life has a funny way of pushing people together I guess. Besides we probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Jenny." Harm looked at her. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. What I meant was that if I hadn't got pregnant we would have probably still been skirting around this protesting that we were just best friends."
"I know. Fate has bigger plans for us. Do you want to stop for a minute?" He asked as they neared the edge of a pond. Mac nodded and they sat on the bench that looked out over the cold water.
"Right I'm going to say this and I need you not to interrupt me. Just let me get it all out and then we can talk."
"Okay."
"When you said every guy was dead or felt like they were, you were right." He opened his mouth to protest but she put a finger on his lips. Every guy who I ever thought loved me has either died or left. Chris, Eddie, Dalton, John, or they've abandoned me, my father emotionally abandoned me a long time ago, Mom left, when I thought we were getting somewhere so did you. And before you say anything I know you had to go, it was something you had to do, but it still didn't make a difference in my head that you were abandoning me and Mic was a way to make up for that, a stupid mistake, but he left too. So when Dr Jordon and I talked about it, I figured out that somewhere deep down in my subconscious I think that you're going to leave me again just like every other guy in my life."
"Mac, you know if I can help it I'm never going anywhere."
"I know. For a long time the only man I trusted was Uncle Matt, he was there when I hit rock bottom and I need help to find my way back. The Marines' helped building up myself confidence but that fear of being abandoned doesn't go away. Then I met you that day in the rose garden, you were this cocky pilot turned lawyer, with your gold wings, but for some reason I trusted you, especially when you helped Uncle Matt, for some reason I knew that you were going to be there if I needed you. But when you left to go flying again something in my brain triggered that it was me you were leaving, it didn't matter that it was your dream and that flying was what you needed to do, you were leaving me. Some where in my brain, I always seem to think that you're going to leave me for good and you're not going to come back. That's why I keep pushing you away, to prove to myself that I can cope, that I can look after Jenny by myself."
"Mac, I promise you I'm not going anywhere, I love you and I want to marry you."
"I know, in my heart I know that, but my head needs to learn to believe it. That's what Dr Jordon and I are working on. I just need you to know that, I'm trying."
"I love you and we'll get through this together. I promise."
"I love you too."