There's nothing great about this fic. Just wanted to see someone in pain, and chose Hakkai as my victim. Am apologizing in advance for the clichés [and for the rest to come].

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It'd been a miserable day. Fighting youkai all day, no proper rest the last week and the usual two bickering every other hour, would eventually take a toll on anyone. Anyone including me. The one who has the appearance of someone who's hypocritically smiling all the time. Well, usually all the time when someone's around. Even when I'm sad, worried, sick, hurt, happy. Of course what did you think? That I would stop smiling when I was really happy? But happy is something I haven't been for a while.

I sigh out loud, but does anyone hear my misery? No, of course not. Everyone else is too busy complaining about their own problems, not thinking that maybe I have problems of my own to deal with. It's always,

"I need food" or

"I want cigarettes" or

"We leave now, and I mean not a moment later. I don't care who you are, what you do... but if you become a burden to me, I won't hesitate to send any one of you to hell!"

Maybe I'm just exaggerating things. But it does exist, a different side to him. One that does cares and takes the time to be nice. Or so I would like to think. Like how he would forgive Goku those times his limiter was off. When he and Gojyo actually sit down, have a drink and share some smokes together. Not whacking anyone of them with his paper fan meant he was being nice. Well, it's the closest to any kind of niceness it can get.

And especially when he and I would sit in silence, on specifically rainy nights. He, with his pack of cigarettes and me, with my cup of tea. Occasionally we would speak. In riddles, that is. To a point I lose track of what we were initially talking about. The mission is everything to him. Well, the purpose behind the mission is more like it. He never talks about it. Never talks about his past, what causes him to awake in the middle of the night, gasping for air... eyes wide from a nightmare. His response, "leave me alone!" Then as if on cue, it starts to pour. Making the whole situation worse. A dark aura lingers around him, then slowly spreads across the room to my bed. That's where I usually am. In the same room but on the other side.

Rainy nights bother me too but I try to keep things a little lighter. As opposed to the heavy sickeningly stuffy air he creates. I make the effort to play cards, or talk about the events that happened that day. That way my mind is off my problems, and so is his. Then during one of those nights, things changed. We crossed that border and stepped beyond the boundaries of friendship. Well, I haven't any idea what to call it as yet. It just happened, while playing poker. Something sparked and he was on top of me and surprisingly I didn't resist.

I suppose this is what you get when two men like us, who are unlike Gojyo, are in need of a more effective way to release built up frustrations. Frustrations from our past, the journey and certain neglected needs. I'm suddenly feeling very frustrated.

I left the bar, where I was nursing a single cup of sake, feeling sorry for myself, and went to our room. Sanzo was already sleeping in his bed. But I knew he knew I had just entered. Very much alike, we were light sleepers. I changed my clothes and before heading for my bed, I looked at him. My chest was heavy and tightened. I don't know what's been bothering me more. Whether it was the fact that he treats what we supposedly have as nothing or the fact that I go to him yet again every other night even after regretting it.

Like his addiction to cigarettes, I'm addicted to him. It's healthier though, him to cancer causing sticks. Or maybe not. Since before this whole thing between us, I had less on my mind. Less anxiety. Fewer frustrations. If only he was more obliging, that way I can tell him things I really want to tell. Take off whatever weight I have from my chest. If only he was more willing to listen. Instead of him always pretending to listen when I'm babbling away incoherently on random topics. Am I boring? Is it really so bad to have a two-way conversation, instead of me talking to a wall? In spite of all that, I still didn't mind it.

He once told me I was not interesting. How would you feel if someone told you that? I spoke less after that, but a couple of days later I went back to being my usual self. Maybe he was indirectly trying to tell me to shut up. But then again, what he said was more direct than telling me to shut up anyway. I worry that I may be falling in love with him, because how does one's love get returned from a ninety-percent-of-the-time heartless bastard? I don't even know why I love him. Perhaps it's some sick habit of mine to try to obtain what is most difficult.

After a small debate I lay beside him, his back facing me. Gently I placed my hand around his waist, to officially let him know I was there. He didn't make effort to acknowledge my presence so I lifted his nightshirt just a little to place my hand underneath it. My palm touching his skin, fingers gently stroking his belly. I pressed my body closer to his back, burying my nose in the crook of his neck as I slowly, but daringly, reached for the slightly hardened flesh in his pants.

I felt him shudder, just a little beneath my ministrations. I nipped at his neck, moving towards his earlobe. I closed my eyes and decided then that this was it. This was the right time, the perfect chance. I confessed my love for him for the first time into his ears.

I waited for a response from him, but his body suddenly went rigid at those three words. I thought it was a good sign. Finally I would have someone to care for me, who will hold me when I needed to be held. Someone I can share my thoughts with, without the care of what our pasts were, what we did everyday but just as a person I can trust and trust to be told what I needed to hear. Tell me words that would melt my heart. Words that...

"I'm feeling hot!"

I almost choked. "What?"

He grabbed my wrist and held it away from his body. "Go to your own bed, I'm too tired for all this now. I need my sleep."

That was all he needed to say to make me regret once again for even thinking of him otherwise. To get me out of his bed as fast as I could so that I could crawl into mine, hoping to sleep and forget what just took place. Or to never wake up again.

To Be Continued...

A/N:
Sorry to all Hakkai fans out there. And also sorry for making Sanzo such a bastard. Review please. Flames and any sort of criticism most welcomed. Just want to know if I should continue... or save you guys the agony and not continue?!