The more she tried to let go of what had happened last year the more
impossible it became. Though she thought about it constantly, she couldn't
figure out why it had become so difficult for her to forget when it had
been so simple to shut her mind off to unwanted memories in the beginning.
She knew she shouldn't have left the so-called letter in his box.She had
known that even one small gesture would be a betrayal of the promise she'd
made to herself, the promise to honor his decision and leave him alone
despite her anger.
But the notice in the newspaper had confused her.Why would he still be living in the same place if he'd wanted so badly to distance himself from his past? Why would he let his whereabouts be known so publicly? She'd assumed that he was long gone and had already begun a new life for himself in some other city.
And until she'd seen his name in print, she hadn't known how hungry she was for his friendship. It was this she regretted the most. She'd often lose herself in a frenzy of thoughts and questions over why she hadn't realized that she would lose one of the most important friendships she'd ever made.Why she'd been so naive that she'd risked everything for something that she knew, unconsciously at least, would never happen and which was less important anyway,in the end, than what she already had.
Now that the hunger was back, it was the only thing she felt through her numbness. She found herself making up long conversations with him in her head during class. She wouldn't even notice it until she would think of something funny he might say and laugh out loud and everyone would turn to look at her. She had spent the year alone,except for when she occasionally hung out with Jessie and Katie.
Initially, she thought that this was the source of her loneliness-that she merely missed being seen, by anyone-not by any particular person. She buried herself in more activities, just as she'd done before.But she felt even more empty than she had in the beginning.More and more she was aware that this time,there was no going back.
Except for the three hours before she got up to get ready for school, she'd stopped sleeping altogether. She would say goodnight to her mom, close her door and sit at her desk, typing essays and assignments and articles on the computer all night long until her life was reduced to watching strings of words move across the screen and her mind became empty. Sometimes the sound of her nails clicking against the keys would enter her dreams and she'd think she was awake.
Once she'd dreamed that she was sitting in his living room again, and he was reading the latest draft of her story, massaging his temples with his hands.He had a ring on his left ring finger which she'd never noticed before.She put her hand out to touch it and without looking up he grabbed her wrist suddenly. She gasped and tried to pull her hand away, muttering "I'm sorry..I don't know why I did that," but he wouldn't let go of her wrist. He turned her hand over and saw the faint red scratchmarks on the inside of her arm.
He looked up at her then, his eyes dark with anger."Why did you do this?" he demanded. But before she could say anything his eyes softened and he lowered his lips to her arm, kissing each scar, his hair tickling her wrist so that she woke up laughing.
It had been two weeks since the fight with Jessie. Her mother had decided not to ground her after all but threatened to lock her in her room and never open the door if Grace ever went to his house again Grace quickly agreed to everything her mother asked just to get her to stop talking about him with that haughty, self-righteous look on her face
.She and Jessie were on good terms again even though they avoided each other most of the time when they were both in the house. Jessie had been spending more and more time at Katie's house lately, anyway, so Grace rarely saw her. Plus, the end of the Spring semester was near and she found herself buried in an endless pile of math assignments, bio labs, English essays and stories for creative writing class. Her new teacher,MissAlexy, stuck yellow smiley face stickers on every one of her stories and wrote the words "wonderful work!" at the bottom.
Grace spent much of the class time chewing on the end of her pencil and wondering what she wanted to do with her life. She'd already received notices from all of the schools she had applied to and had all but decided to attend Northwestern. She had a week to decide for sure. She had also decided on double-majoring in English and Theater, though lately she doubted her talents in both areas.
Her stories sounded flat and artificial when she read them aloud to herself no matter how many times she revised them.After a while she started turning in stories she'd written in the years before; she just didn't care about words or fictional characters anymore
.As for theater, it had been such a long time since she'd been part of a production that she could only vaguely remember her former excitement over acting the lead part in a play. The spring semester production for that year had been cancelled because the drama teacher had broken both legs in a rock climbing accident and the school couldn't find anyone to replace her in time.And in the semester before it she didn't even bother auditioning- she couldn't stand the thought of walking into that theater again-with Alexa as stage manager.She could see herself standing on stage and watching the self-assured smirk on Alexa's smug face down below.
At the beginning of the year, she had considered spreading a rumor about Alexa. She planned on telling everyone that Alexa had tried to seduce Mr. Dimitri and when he'd laughed at her she vowed to get revenge. So when she found out that he and Grace were spending so much time working on the GSA together, she'd framed the two of them in a jealous rage.Grace had gone as far as writing all of this down on a sticky note pad and putting it into her pocket on the first day of school. But when she was walking down the hall again, the sight of his classroom door released an unexpected stream of pain from her chest out to her arms, and she ripped up the note and threw into the trash on her way to her first class.
But the notice in the newspaper had confused her.Why would he still be living in the same place if he'd wanted so badly to distance himself from his past? Why would he let his whereabouts be known so publicly? She'd assumed that he was long gone and had already begun a new life for himself in some other city.
And until she'd seen his name in print, she hadn't known how hungry she was for his friendship. It was this she regretted the most. She'd often lose herself in a frenzy of thoughts and questions over why she hadn't realized that she would lose one of the most important friendships she'd ever made.Why she'd been so naive that she'd risked everything for something that she knew, unconsciously at least, would never happen and which was less important anyway,in the end, than what she already had.
Now that the hunger was back, it was the only thing she felt through her numbness. She found herself making up long conversations with him in her head during class. She wouldn't even notice it until she would think of something funny he might say and laugh out loud and everyone would turn to look at her. She had spent the year alone,except for when she occasionally hung out with Jessie and Katie.
Initially, she thought that this was the source of her loneliness-that she merely missed being seen, by anyone-not by any particular person. She buried herself in more activities, just as she'd done before.But she felt even more empty than she had in the beginning.More and more she was aware that this time,there was no going back.
Except for the three hours before she got up to get ready for school, she'd stopped sleeping altogether. She would say goodnight to her mom, close her door and sit at her desk, typing essays and assignments and articles on the computer all night long until her life was reduced to watching strings of words move across the screen and her mind became empty. Sometimes the sound of her nails clicking against the keys would enter her dreams and she'd think she was awake.
Once she'd dreamed that she was sitting in his living room again, and he was reading the latest draft of her story, massaging his temples with his hands.He had a ring on his left ring finger which she'd never noticed before.She put her hand out to touch it and without looking up he grabbed her wrist suddenly. She gasped and tried to pull her hand away, muttering "I'm sorry..I don't know why I did that," but he wouldn't let go of her wrist. He turned her hand over and saw the faint red scratchmarks on the inside of her arm.
He looked up at her then, his eyes dark with anger."Why did you do this?" he demanded. But before she could say anything his eyes softened and he lowered his lips to her arm, kissing each scar, his hair tickling her wrist so that she woke up laughing.
It had been two weeks since the fight with Jessie. Her mother had decided not to ground her after all but threatened to lock her in her room and never open the door if Grace ever went to his house again Grace quickly agreed to everything her mother asked just to get her to stop talking about him with that haughty, self-righteous look on her face
.She and Jessie were on good terms again even though they avoided each other most of the time when they were both in the house. Jessie had been spending more and more time at Katie's house lately, anyway, so Grace rarely saw her. Plus, the end of the Spring semester was near and she found herself buried in an endless pile of math assignments, bio labs, English essays and stories for creative writing class. Her new teacher,MissAlexy, stuck yellow smiley face stickers on every one of her stories and wrote the words "wonderful work!" at the bottom.
Grace spent much of the class time chewing on the end of her pencil and wondering what she wanted to do with her life. She'd already received notices from all of the schools she had applied to and had all but decided to attend Northwestern. She had a week to decide for sure. She had also decided on double-majoring in English and Theater, though lately she doubted her talents in both areas.
Her stories sounded flat and artificial when she read them aloud to herself no matter how many times she revised them.After a while she started turning in stories she'd written in the years before; she just didn't care about words or fictional characters anymore
.As for theater, it had been such a long time since she'd been part of a production that she could only vaguely remember her former excitement over acting the lead part in a play. The spring semester production for that year had been cancelled because the drama teacher had broken both legs in a rock climbing accident and the school couldn't find anyone to replace her in time.And in the semester before it she didn't even bother auditioning- she couldn't stand the thought of walking into that theater again-with Alexa as stage manager.She could see herself standing on stage and watching the self-assured smirk on Alexa's smug face down below.
At the beginning of the year, she had considered spreading a rumor about Alexa. She planned on telling everyone that Alexa had tried to seduce Mr. Dimitri and when he'd laughed at her she vowed to get revenge. So when she found out that he and Grace were spending so much time working on the GSA together, she'd framed the two of them in a jealous rage.Grace had gone as far as writing all of this down on a sticky note pad and putting it into her pocket on the first day of school. But when she was walking down the hall again, the sight of his classroom door released an unexpected stream of pain from her chest out to her arms, and she ripped up the note and threw into the trash on her way to her first class.