In the car, neither of them spoke. Grace fidgeted with her seatbelt and
stared out the window while Dimitri hummed a Bob Dylan tune Grace had heard
once during a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting but no longer remembered.
Finally, she had clenched her teeth for so long to keep them from
chattering that her jaw ached and she had to say something.
"Mr. Dimitri?" her head swarmed and she forgot what she was going to say.
"Uh-huh" he replied casually, as if they'd been together every day for the past year, rather than awkwardly separated as a result of an embarrassing incident. Grace stared at his mouth to see if she could catch the slightest tremor in his lips or his chin, but saw none.
"Never mind," she said.
"Never say never," he mocked, "what is it?"
"I forgot what I was going to say."
"I see."
"It's just---"
He turned to face her, his eyes gleaming. His attention to her caught her off guard and she stopped to look at him, his eyes drawing her in as if they were tiny aquariums. The mischief behind them reminded her of their days alone together and for a moment made her so unreasonably happy that she forgot what it was that was bothering her.
"It's just what?" he asked softly.
"Nothing," she smiled into her lap.
"Nothing comes of nothing," he said.
Grace laughed. "Have you noticed how often you quote Shakespeare?" she asked. He smiled at her warmly again. "Actually, this may shock you, but-" he paused to make a serious face.
"But what?" she asked, biting her lip to keep from grinning.
"Shakespeare has been quoting me all along."
Grace laughed. "Is that right?"
"I'm afraid so."
"And you've never received any royalties?" "Not once."
"That's so unjust."
He gave a short laugh then grew quiet. His smile faded into a knowing look. "Many things are," he said softly. He took his hand off of the steering wheel and moved it downward. Grace felt her heart stop. She lifted her hand from her lap and moved it toward his, but just as she was about to touch his palm, he put his hand on the gear shift. Mortified, she snatched her hand away, hoping he hadn't noticed.
Grace felt the light giddiness from before leave her as the reality of their situation set in again. As they approached her house, she began to panic at the thought of her mother and the last warning she'd given Grace. The tenderness she'd felt for him just a moment ago gave way to a burning anger. Why couldn't he make up his mind one way or the other? She turned her back to him and said, "You can just drop me off right here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
"But isn't your house--?"
"Yeah," she nearly yelled, raising her voice to drown out his, "But it's just better this way."
"Okay," he said quietly, "no problem."
"Thanks."
When the car came to a stop, Grace grabbed her backpack and slowly moved her hand to the door handle, wondering what she should say to him. Just as she opened the door, she felt his hand on her arm. "Grace" he barely whispered. She paused. She thought of pretending that she didn't hear him but she couldn't bear not knowing what he would say. She turned to him. He was leaning toward her so that his hair fell in front of his face. She held her breath. "What?"
"I got your letter."
"I know," she said, embarrassed, "I mean, I figured." She played with a loose strand of hair. "It's just.it wasn't a real letter.I only wanted to--- " She couldn't think of the words. "I just thought---I saw that you were going to be reading your poetry. And I just thought we could-" She gave up and leaned back in her seat. "I just---I can't.write anymore." As soon as she said this, she instantly regretted it.
"I can't-you know I can't help you with your story"
"I know."
"No, I mean, what I mean is that you don't need my help-" he insisted.
"No, I do, I need your help," she said, her voice nearly breaking.
"You only think you do."
"Okay."
They sat in silence for several minutes, both of them feigning interest in the scenery outside. Finally, Dimitri opened his mouth again, "But I am sorry."
She stared at him expectantly. She could see him searching for exactly the right words.
"I'm sorry I wasn't a true."
Grace tried to stop her mind from completing his sentences but it was hopeless. A true love, she thought, no--he would never say that.a true friend? They weren't friends. A true lover, maybe? At this thought she had to bite down on her lip to keep from laughing. Dimitri let out a long sigh. "I wasn't a true teacher to you," he finally said.
"What do you mean?" she asked. "You know that's not true." She laughed incredulously.
"Yes it is," he said. "A real teacher wouldn't have left."
His eyes looked so softly lit, like candles in a church, that she almost leaned in to kiss him again. Instead she put her hand on his. "You were more than a teacher," she whispered.
He smiled and leaned toward her. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of his breath the way she used to listen to the ocean by holding a shell to her ear. His forehead touched hers, his hair falling against her cheek. He touched her ear lobe with his lips, "I missed you," he whispered.
"Why?" she asked, not knowing what she was saying.
He laughed gently and kissed her on the neck, just beneath her jaw. The sound of a horn woke them and they jumped apart. Panicking, Grace looked up, expecting to see Lily. But it was only a guy in a pickup truck picking up his friend a couple of houses down. She put a hand to her forehead, waiting for her heart beat to return to normal.
"I better go," she said to her feet, not daring to look at him.
He breathed in. "Yes." She waited for him to say something more but he was silent. She opened the door and began to climb out. As she was about to close the door from outside, he put his hand up to stop her. "Grace," he said.
"Yeah?"
"Be sure to read what's in the envelope."
"Okay," she said, hardly listening. She swung the door shut and started walking up the street to her house. The ground in front of her looked surreal, as if it might open at any moment and suck her in. She smiled to herself, her body still warm from its proximity to his. She wanted to set her backpack on the ground, lie down on the grass and fall asleep. He could leave a thousand times now, she thought, and I wouldn't care.
"Mr. Dimitri?" her head swarmed and she forgot what she was going to say.
"Uh-huh" he replied casually, as if they'd been together every day for the past year, rather than awkwardly separated as a result of an embarrassing incident. Grace stared at his mouth to see if she could catch the slightest tremor in his lips or his chin, but saw none.
"Never mind," she said.
"Never say never," he mocked, "what is it?"
"I forgot what I was going to say."
"I see."
"It's just---"
He turned to face her, his eyes gleaming. His attention to her caught her off guard and she stopped to look at him, his eyes drawing her in as if they were tiny aquariums. The mischief behind them reminded her of their days alone together and for a moment made her so unreasonably happy that she forgot what it was that was bothering her.
"It's just what?" he asked softly.
"Nothing," she smiled into her lap.
"Nothing comes of nothing," he said.
Grace laughed. "Have you noticed how often you quote Shakespeare?" she asked. He smiled at her warmly again. "Actually, this may shock you, but-" he paused to make a serious face.
"But what?" she asked, biting her lip to keep from grinning.
"Shakespeare has been quoting me all along."
Grace laughed. "Is that right?"
"I'm afraid so."
"And you've never received any royalties?" "Not once."
"That's so unjust."
He gave a short laugh then grew quiet. His smile faded into a knowing look. "Many things are," he said softly. He took his hand off of the steering wheel and moved it downward. Grace felt her heart stop. She lifted her hand from her lap and moved it toward his, but just as she was about to touch his palm, he put his hand on the gear shift. Mortified, she snatched her hand away, hoping he hadn't noticed.
Grace felt the light giddiness from before leave her as the reality of their situation set in again. As they approached her house, she began to panic at the thought of her mother and the last warning she'd given Grace. The tenderness she'd felt for him just a moment ago gave way to a burning anger. Why couldn't he make up his mind one way or the other? She turned her back to him and said, "You can just drop me off right here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
"But isn't your house--?"
"Yeah," she nearly yelled, raising her voice to drown out his, "But it's just better this way."
"Okay," he said quietly, "no problem."
"Thanks."
When the car came to a stop, Grace grabbed her backpack and slowly moved her hand to the door handle, wondering what she should say to him. Just as she opened the door, she felt his hand on her arm. "Grace" he barely whispered. She paused. She thought of pretending that she didn't hear him but she couldn't bear not knowing what he would say. She turned to him. He was leaning toward her so that his hair fell in front of his face. She held her breath. "What?"
"I got your letter."
"I know," she said, embarrassed, "I mean, I figured." She played with a loose strand of hair. "It's just.it wasn't a real letter.I only wanted to--- " She couldn't think of the words. "I just thought---I saw that you were going to be reading your poetry. And I just thought we could-" She gave up and leaned back in her seat. "I just---I can't.write anymore." As soon as she said this, she instantly regretted it.
"I can't-you know I can't help you with your story"
"I know."
"No, I mean, what I mean is that you don't need my help-" he insisted.
"No, I do, I need your help," she said, her voice nearly breaking.
"You only think you do."
"Okay."
They sat in silence for several minutes, both of them feigning interest in the scenery outside. Finally, Dimitri opened his mouth again, "But I am sorry."
She stared at him expectantly. She could see him searching for exactly the right words.
"I'm sorry I wasn't a true."
Grace tried to stop her mind from completing his sentences but it was hopeless. A true love, she thought, no--he would never say that.a true friend? They weren't friends. A true lover, maybe? At this thought she had to bite down on her lip to keep from laughing. Dimitri let out a long sigh. "I wasn't a true teacher to you," he finally said.
"What do you mean?" she asked. "You know that's not true." She laughed incredulously.
"Yes it is," he said. "A real teacher wouldn't have left."
His eyes looked so softly lit, like candles in a church, that she almost leaned in to kiss him again. Instead she put her hand on his. "You were more than a teacher," she whispered.
He smiled and leaned toward her. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of his breath the way she used to listen to the ocean by holding a shell to her ear. His forehead touched hers, his hair falling against her cheek. He touched her ear lobe with his lips, "I missed you," he whispered.
"Why?" she asked, not knowing what she was saying.
He laughed gently and kissed her on the neck, just beneath her jaw. The sound of a horn woke them and they jumped apart. Panicking, Grace looked up, expecting to see Lily. But it was only a guy in a pickup truck picking up his friend a couple of houses down. She put a hand to her forehead, waiting for her heart beat to return to normal.
"I better go," she said to her feet, not daring to look at him.
He breathed in. "Yes." She waited for him to say something more but he was silent. She opened the door and began to climb out. As she was about to close the door from outside, he put his hand up to stop her. "Grace," he said.
"Yeah?"
"Be sure to read what's in the envelope."
"Okay," she said, hardly listening. She swung the door shut and started walking up the street to her house. The ground in front of her looked surreal, as if it might open at any moment and suck her in. She smiled to herself, her body still warm from its proximity to his. She wanted to set her backpack on the ground, lie down on the grass and fall asleep. He could leave a thousand times now, she thought, and I wouldn't care.