Mr. Dimitri drove as if he were a chauffeur. Grace allowed herself to
casually glance at him in one-and-a-half minute intervals so as not to seem
over-eager. But each time his posture, his facial expression, his aura
remained the same. After a few minutes, he finally stuck a tape into his
ancient car stereo and pushed one of the knob-less buttons over and over
until the tape began to play. The clicking of the knob was the only noise
that broke the tension between them but it made the pain in Grace's head
throb with an unbearable intensity.
She decided to calm herself down by practicing for tomorrow's Spanish exam in her mind. "Yo estoy lista para el examen de la clase del español." she thought, "Yo voy a estudiar para el examen porque yo soy una estudiante." "No puedo estudiar porque estoy en el auto de Senor Dimitri" She glanced at him, watched the barely perceptible movement of his jaw as he swallowed. "Senor Dimitri es mi." Her mind began to swim and the words drifted off in opposite directions like toy boats. "Senor Dimitri es." She frantically searched her mind like someone rifling through a purse in search of her keys.
She couldn't remember the word for teacher."Senor Dimitri es." but it then occurred to her that he wasn't really her teacher anymore. She didn't know what he was, she'd never known. Ordinarily, mentally reviewing class-work helped ease the feeling of guilt at the bottom of her stomach which punctuated every thrill she felt when she imagined touching his shoulders with her finger tips, or pictured him putting a hand on the back of her neck and pulling her into a kiss.
But now it just made her feel more trapped by reminding her that she was still a high school student. Sometimes she felt like the role of student was the only role she really knew how to play, and that despite everything, Mr. Dimitri would never fully allow himself to see her as anything else-not even after she left school, because then he'd have to decide what she really was to him, and despite what he'd told her about being brave, she suspected that he'd never fully be able to admit to himself that she was anything to him at all.
"God I love this" Dimitri said."Her voice..it's just so..so..passionate and melancholy. Don't you think?"
Grace turned to him expectantly, still half-lost in her thoughts. "Mr. Dimitri" she said, staring at his boyish face, searching for the small hint of mischief in his eyes.
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"You just did," he said, laughing at his own weak joke.
"What are you doing?"
"What am I doing?"
"Yes."
"What do you mean? I'm driving you home."
"You know what I mean."
"I don't think I do."
She sighed angrily."I mean, why did you come to school today?"
"Oh, that."
"Yeah."
"I already told you why, Grace."
Grace rolled her eyes, she could feel her face reddening in anger.
"You could have just mailed the envelope." She said, raising her voice. "Why did you come to school?"
"You know," Mr. Dimitri said, ignoring her, "I never get tired of Linda Ronstadt, I don't understand people who think this type of music is dated."
"Mr. Dimitri."
"You know who I think you'd also love? Carole King. Did I ever loan you my copy of Tapestry? "
"Mr. Dimitri."
"It's a classic."
"Mr. Dimitri!"
"You know, you don't have to call me that, anymore, Grace, I'm not your teacher."
She turned her back to him, stung. "I know you're not."
He turned to her and, realizing he'd hurt her, reached out to touch her shoulder but then changed his mind and returned his hand to his lap. "So just call me August, okay?" he said softly, touched by her anger.
"Okay," she mumbled, softened by the hint of affection in his tone.
As they approached her house, she laid her head against the window, suddenly wishing she was far away from him again. That way she could make him say whatever she wanted in her mind, and she would actually feel closer to him than she did now, sitting next to him in the car as he hummed to the radio and tapped on the steering wheel, as if he were by himself, as if her presence were completely ordinary. She was so consumed by her feelings of disappointment that she didn't even notice when he pulled over and stopped the car.
"Grace," she heard him say. She looked up expecting to see her street but saw instead that they weren't even in her neighborhood.
"Where are we?" She asked.
"Down the street from my house."
She stared at him, startled. "Why?" They sat together in silence for several seconds before he answered.
"Why did you write me that letter, Grace?" he asked, almost whispering.
She looked at his mouth, too embarrassed to meet his eyes. "Oh, um I.don't know, I couldn't sleep" she mumbled.
"But what were you trying to tell me?"
"I don't know," she could feel herself losing resolve. She dreaded bursting into tears in front of him again, proving to him that she was too inexperienced, too weak for him. She swallowed hard and looked straight at him, "Why did you come to school today?"
He sighed, frustrated. He put one hand in his hair and leaned against the door. "Because. Because I missed you."
She was stunned into silence. It was not the answer she had expected. "You did?"
He turned to face her, his face softening into a smile. "Yes," he said, "I did."
She laughed nervously. "Oh."
Her laugh made him laugh, too, softly, as he carefully placed his hand on top of hers.
"Why?" she asked, trying to stop her fingers from trembling beneath his.
He thought about it for a while, his brow furrowed in concentration. "Because."
She listened eagerly, shifting in her seat.
"Because you spoiled me."
She looked up at him questioningly. "What do you mean?"
"I just.I got used to having you around.and.I forgot how rare it is."
"What is?" she asked, afraid to breath.
"Knowing someone like you," he said, touching her hair as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand.
"So what took you so long?" she whispered.
He laughed quietly. "I wasn't sure you would ever want to see me again."
"Oh."
He moved his hand to her jaw, and stroked her cheek with his fingers. "Listen, Grace" he said solemnly.
"What?"
"This doesn't mean.that things are going to change..right now"
"Oh, I know." She said, although they both knew she didn't.
"I mean, it's not that I don't want them to..but the thing is.." he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "The thing is.I don't regret leaving."
"Oh."
"I wanted to do what was best for you."
"I know."
"But I wasn't fair to you either."
"You weren't?"
"No." he swallowed. "It wasn't right to just disappear.that's not what I wanted to teach you."
"I know that."
"The last thing I want, Grace, is for you to spend your life as a ghost."
"I know," she said softly, "I don't want you to be a ghost, either."
"I know." He smiled and leaned into her, "Thank you."
She smiled, stared at his lips. "No problem."
He stroked her cheek again. "I wanted you to be real, Grace," he whispered, "And you were.you are. But I didn't do the same for you."
She leaned closer to him, unable to resist the temptation of touching his hair. "Yes you did, Mr. Dimitri" she said, "you were always real to me."
"Grace," he said laughing, "I told you not to call me Mr. Dimitri." He leaned in and kissed her mouth. "It makes me feel like I'm teaching second grade."
She laughed, embarrassed. She looked down at her lap, "But..August is a month." she said. She started giggling, giddy with disbelief at what was happening to her.
"Well thanks," he said, pretending to be offended. "At least my name isn't part of a famous hymn."
At this, she began laughing harder, clutching her stomach. He grabbed her hand and kissed her again, hard. She kissed him back as her laughter subsided. She leaned further into him and felt herself forgetting whose body she was in; for once, it didn't matter.
She decided to calm herself down by practicing for tomorrow's Spanish exam in her mind. "Yo estoy lista para el examen de la clase del español." she thought, "Yo voy a estudiar para el examen porque yo soy una estudiante." "No puedo estudiar porque estoy en el auto de Senor Dimitri" She glanced at him, watched the barely perceptible movement of his jaw as he swallowed. "Senor Dimitri es mi." Her mind began to swim and the words drifted off in opposite directions like toy boats. "Senor Dimitri es." She frantically searched her mind like someone rifling through a purse in search of her keys.
She couldn't remember the word for teacher."Senor Dimitri es." but it then occurred to her that he wasn't really her teacher anymore. She didn't know what he was, she'd never known. Ordinarily, mentally reviewing class-work helped ease the feeling of guilt at the bottom of her stomach which punctuated every thrill she felt when she imagined touching his shoulders with her finger tips, or pictured him putting a hand on the back of her neck and pulling her into a kiss.
But now it just made her feel more trapped by reminding her that she was still a high school student. Sometimes she felt like the role of student was the only role she really knew how to play, and that despite everything, Mr. Dimitri would never fully allow himself to see her as anything else-not even after she left school, because then he'd have to decide what she really was to him, and despite what he'd told her about being brave, she suspected that he'd never fully be able to admit to himself that she was anything to him at all.
"God I love this" Dimitri said."Her voice..it's just so..so..passionate and melancholy. Don't you think?"
Grace turned to him expectantly, still half-lost in her thoughts. "Mr. Dimitri" she said, staring at his boyish face, searching for the small hint of mischief in his eyes.
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"You just did," he said, laughing at his own weak joke.
"What are you doing?"
"What am I doing?"
"Yes."
"What do you mean? I'm driving you home."
"You know what I mean."
"I don't think I do."
She sighed angrily."I mean, why did you come to school today?"
"Oh, that."
"Yeah."
"I already told you why, Grace."
Grace rolled her eyes, she could feel her face reddening in anger.
"You could have just mailed the envelope." She said, raising her voice. "Why did you come to school?"
"You know," Mr. Dimitri said, ignoring her, "I never get tired of Linda Ronstadt, I don't understand people who think this type of music is dated."
"Mr. Dimitri."
"You know who I think you'd also love? Carole King. Did I ever loan you my copy of Tapestry? "
"Mr. Dimitri."
"It's a classic."
"Mr. Dimitri!"
"You know, you don't have to call me that, anymore, Grace, I'm not your teacher."
She turned her back to him, stung. "I know you're not."
He turned to her and, realizing he'd hurt her, reached out to touch her shoulder but then changed his mind and returned his hand to his lap. "So just call me August, okay?" he said softly, touched by her anger.
"Okay," she mumbled, softened by the hint of affection in his tone.
As they approached her house, she laid her head against the window, suddenly wishing she was far away from him again. That way she could make him say whatever she wanted in her mind, and she would actually feel closer to him than she did now, sitting next to him in the car as he hummed to the radio and tapped on the steering wheel, as if he were by himself, as if her presence were completely ordinary. She was so consumed by her feelings of disappointment that she didn't even notice when he pulled over and stopped the car.
"Grace," she heard him say. She looked up expecting to see her street but saw instead that they weren't even in her neighborhood.
"Where are we?" She asked.
"Down the street from my house."
She stared at him, startled. "Why?" They sat together in silence for several seconds before he answered.
"Why did you write me that letter, Grace?" he asked, almost whispering.
She looked at his mouth, too embarrassed to meet his eyes. "Oh, um I.don't know, I couldn't sleep" she mumbled.
"But what were you trying to tell me?"
"I don't know," she could feel herself losing resolve. She dreaded bursting into tears in front of him again, proving to him that she was too inexperienced, too weak for him. She swallowed hard and looked straight at him, "Why did you come to school today?"
He sighed, frustrated. He put one hand in his hair and leaned against the door. "Because. Because I missed you."
She was stunned into silence. It was not the answer she had expected. "You did?"
He turned to face her, his face softening into a smile. "Yes," he said, "I did."
She laughed nervously. "Oh."
Her laugh made him laugh, too, softly, as he carefully placed his hand on top of hers.
"Why?" she asked, trying to stop her fingers from trembling beneath his.
He thought about it for a while, his brow furrowed in concentration. "Because."
She listened eagerly, shifting in her seat.
"Because you spoiled me."
She looked up at him questioningly. "What do you mean?"
"I just.I got used to having you around.and.I forgot how rare it is."
"What is?" she asked, afraid to breath.
"Knowing someone like you," he said, touching her hair as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand.
"So what took you so long?" she whispered.
He laughed quietly. "I wasn't sure you would ever want to see me again."
"Oh."
He moved his hand to her jaw, and stroked her cheek with his fingers. "Listen, Grace" he said solemnly.
"What?"
"This doesn't mean.that things are going to change..right now"
"Oh, I know." She said, although they both knew she didn't.
"I mean, it's not that I don't want them to..but the thing is.." he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "The thing is.I don't regret leaving."
"Oh."
"I wanted to do what was best for you."
"I know."
"But I wasn't fair to you either."
"You weren't?"
"No." he swallowed. "It wasn't right to just disappear.that's not what I wanted to teach you."
"I know that."
"The last thing I want, Grace, is for you to spend your life as a ghost."
"I know," she said softly, "I don't want you to be a ghost, either."
"I know." He smiled and leaned into her, "Thank you."
She smiled, stared at his lips. "No problem."
He stroked her cheek again. "I wanted you to be real, Grace," he whispered, "And you were.you are. But I didn't do the same for you."
She leaned closer to him, unable to resist the temptation of touching his hair. "Yes you did, Mr. Dimitri" she said, "you were always real to me."
"Grace," he said laughing, "I told you not to call me Mr. Dimitri." He leaned in and kissed her mouth. "It makes me feel like I'm teaching second grade."
She laughed, embarrassed. She looked down at her lap, "But..August is a month." she said. She started giggling, giddy with disbelief at what was happening to her.
"Well thanks," he said, pretending to be offended. "At least my name isn't part of a famous hymn."
At this, she began laughing harder, clutching her stomach. He grabbed her hand and kissed her again, hard. She kissed him back as her laughter subsided. She leaned further into him and felt herself forgetting whose body she was in; for once, it didn't matter.