Title: Always Here
Summary: Angel comes to Buffy during Christmas for help.
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe.)
Spoilers: Amends, The Body and the whole Connor and Darla thing in Angel.
Authors Note: Ok, this came to last night right before I was sleeping. I just wanted to deal with the fact that no matter what Buffy and Angel will be there for each other when they need the other. It also has to deal with snow on Christmas, because Amends is like my favorite episode so I had to put this in.
Feedback: Definitely!!!!!!!! SunGal3000@aol.com Also, if you post this story on your website please ask me first. Use the same address as above.
Buffy looked outside her window. A fine sheen of snow was falling, covering the night like a white sheet. No footprints marred the ground yet. It was too late, or early for that matter, for anyone to be walking around, especially in Sunnydale.
It was Christmas Eve, or morning really. At one in the morning Buffy Summers was still up. Something was happening tonight that she knew she needed to be awake for. Being that it was snowing on Christmas in California was giving her enough of the wig gins as it was. It had only snowed in Sunnydale once before. Three years ago the skies had opened up right before dawn, covering the ground in a white blanket and delaying the sun rise.
Buffy sighed. The memories of that day were painful. She had spent the whole day walking around in the snow with him, talking, crying, laughing. Stealing kisses in between. She missed it, it was one of the best Christmas' of her life. But she missed him. Especially today. The atmosphere was all too familiar for her comfort. She wondered if he was up in L.A looking at the snow too, thinking of the same day as she was. She smiled to herself. "No," she amended "brooding, not thinking. Never thinking."
Turning away from the window she sat down in an oversized chair. She took her now cold hot chocolate into her hands and stared at her Christmas tree. Her Dawn, Willow and Tara had decorated it that night. Unwrapping home made ornaments that no one really knew what they were supposed to be. It had been their first Christmas without her mother, therefore making her want to cry at every ornament hung. She knew it was going to be hard this year, for her and Dawn, but she never thought that it would be gut wrenching.
The tree sat and glowed happily at her. It lights twinkling cheerily, making the globes on the tree shine bright. Buffy's eyes moved up to the white angel sitting on top of the tree.
'Angel on top again?'
Her mother's voice said drifting through the air. A tear started to slide from the corner of Buffy's eye. She missed her so much. She felt like she could have done something to save her. If she had only gotten to her sooner or had stayed home that day with her maybe she would be here now. Sitting beside her, waiting with her for whatever was going to come.
A silent knock sounded at the door awaking Buffy from her thoughts. The tears stopped suddenly being replaced with a frown. Slowly she got up. Dawn, Tara, and Willow were all upstairs asleep, Giles was in England and Xander and Anya had gone to the mountains for Christmas. Everyone one she knew was gone.
When she was about a foot in front of the door she froze. She knew exactly who it was. It could only be one person. He was the only one who could get her spine to tingle and her stomach role with excitement.
Her hand reached out to the door knob. Her body was shaking with fear. She wanted it to be him on the other side of the door right now. She needed it to be him. The door quietly fell open and there he stood. He leaned against the door jam, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head bowed. He was dressed in his usual black, from his black boots to his black sweater and black leather duster. The only color on him was the snow flakes that had gathered on his hair and shoulders.
Ever so slowly he lifted his head for his eyes to meet hers. Tear tracks were left on his face from where he had been crying earlier. Now though his eyes looked empty. Without asking any questions Buffy reached out to him and he collapsed into her embrace. They both sunk to the ground, the door still opened behind them. Silently Angel clutched to her body and sobbed. Buffy didn't ask him anything. She knew something was wrong but she wasn't going to push him. Her hands moved up and down his back, caressing him through the leather, making soothing noises trying to calm him down.
When his tears subsided she rolled him over so his head sat in her lap. She looked into his deep chocolate colored eyes. The emptiness that was there a few minutes ago was replaced with grief. Her hand reached up to move across his cheekbone with a feathery light touch. "Do you want to talk about it?" she whispered
Angel's eyes met hers and he slowly shook his head no.
"Ok," she said soothingly. She took his hand in hers and they both stood up and walked over to the couch. The Christmas tree illuminated the whole room in a soft glow. Sitting down there hands stayed in contact. Neither one wanting to let go of the other.
"It's snowing." She stated softly
"It is in L.A too." He finally spoke
"Why is it snowing?" she said, her hand tightening on his.
"I don't know. I don't think I had anything to do with it this time." He gave her a sad smile responding to her hold on his hand. "It's okay that I'm here, right?"
"Of course it's okay. I told you, you can always come here if you need too."
He nodded, taking a deep unnecessary breath. Before either of them knew it, he had slowly pulled her into his arms. They soon found themselves laying on the couch languidly, her resting on top of him, her head laying peacefully on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist tightly.
They sat there for a long while, neither one of them talking. They both lay there taking comfort in one another. They needed that now more then they would ever admit. After a while Angel finally broke the silence. "Are you okay?" he asked
"I should be asking the same thing of you." She retorted. She sighed when he didn't answer, his eyes adverting to the ground. "It's hard, this Christmas. It's the first one that moms not here. It doesn't feel right."
"How so?"
"It feels like I shouldn't be celebrating. Like I shouldn't be doing this without her. She always helped me decorate the Christmas tree and she would make this big ham for dinner. When I was younger she'd always slip me some champagne and. it's different this year."
"Do you miss her?" Angel said, his eyes going back to resting on her green ones.
"Yes. Especially tonight." She answered, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Angel's hands immediately started rubbing the small of her back to comfort her. "I used to never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. So I would crawl downstairs and sit down in front of the Christmas tree. Like clockwork, mom would be up in a few minutes and without a word she'd go make some hot chocolate and we'd sit her for hours talking. We talked about everything. I probably learned more about her those nights then I ever did any other day. It was most likely the same for her too. There was just something about Christmas that made me feel like I could tell her anything." He head angled up towards his. "It was magical, you know."
He looked at her with sad eyes. "I know."
Buffy's hand went to where his heart would be and unconsciously made lazy circles there. "Do you remember what Christmas was like before. before you were turned?" she asked tentively. She knew that Angel's past was something that he rarely ever talked about. The only time she had ever heard anything about his family was that Christmas three years ago and the night her mother died.
"Yeah." His hands stopped moving up and down her back abruptly.
She looked up into his eyes expecting to see his them withdrawn. Instead she found them filled with emotion that she couldn't put her finger on. She saw grief and fear at the thought of his family. She immediately regretted asking him that question. She was about to say so when he started to speak.
"My family was never really close. Kathy, my sister, and I were the only ones who really knew each other. My dad was disappointed in the way I was leading my life, and he hated Kathy for sticking up for me constantly. My mother stayed withdrawn because of this. She rarely ever talked. Kathy was the only one who could ever really get through to her. She was the only one who could really get through to any of us." Buffy sat silently when he paused. He kept his eyes on the tree, not wanting to look at her.
"My brother Sean died right before Christmas eve. Him and I where out playing by the creek in the backyard and I wasn't paying attention. Before I knew it he was screaming, when I looked up I saw him in the creek thrashing around. I- I was able to get him out but he was so cold." Angel said shaking his head in confusion. "I rushed him into the house and my mother did everything she could to keep him warm while I went to fetch the doctor. But it was too late. By the time the doctor had come he had already died. I remember entering the house and seeing his body cradled to my mothers. My father of course blamed me for his death. Telling me that I was a murderer. That it was my fault that he had drowned. I guess he was right too. I mean, should have been watching him more closely, or made sure that he didn't go into the creek. I don't know what I was thinking, letting him play down there in the middle of winter." Angel's body grew tense. Reliving the memories so long pushed away hurt. "After that I started drinking, whoring, fighting, anything and everything I could do to make my father disappointed in me."
Buffy sat there. She was shocked at Angel's story. Now she knew why he never really talked about his family. Most of his memories seemed to be sad ones. "Angel, it wasn't your fault that he died. It was no ones fault."
"Yeah, maybe." He said, his eyes were still starring blankly at the other side of the room, his voice holding no emotion.
"NO! No maybe." she gently turned his chin towards her, forcing him to look at him. "It wasn't your fault. You hear me? It was an accident. You did everything you could to save him Angel."
Angel looked into her eyes and nodded. Buffy knew her words hadn't helped him. That he still believed that he was at fault for his brother's death. There was nothing she could do though, those memories were too painful for him. What Angelus had done he would keep with him forever, always feeling guilty, no matter what.
His head went and rested on top of hers. Closing his eyes he continued down memory lane.
"Kathy and I used to do this." He whispered
"Do what?" Buffy asked, settling back down into his shoulder when his head fell upon hers.
"Sit up on Christmas Eve and just talk." He smiled a little. "I never went out on Christmas night. I always stayed in with Kathy. If it was any other night of the year I'd be in a pub or in the bed of some whore. But on Christmas Eve, I'd stay in. We'd talk about everything, always trying to stay away from the bad subjects. We would retell stories that we remembered about each other. All sorts of things. I think she was the only one in the family that loved me no matter what I did."
"I'm sure your parents loved you. They just didn't know how to express it. They probably had problems of there own and were just too wrapped up in them to show you that they loved you. But they did Angel, I know they did."
"When did you get so wise." He smiled
"I grew up a bit."
"Then maybe you could explain something to me. Why, when I. Angelus killed her, did he do it so slowly and gentle. He made it so she wasn't afraid or anything. She was the closest thing to my heart, why didn't he do more to her to make me hurt."
"Because he loved her." Buffy angled her head up to look at him. "Angel, Angelus still has your feelings, he loved Kathy very much and he didn't want to hurt her. The demon part of him though was telling him to kill her savagely probably, but the part of him that was still humane. why do you think Angelus never killed me?"
"He wanted too."
"But he didn't. He had so many opportunities and he never once tried."
Angel looked at her for another second and then buried his head into the crook of her neck. Her arms instinctively went around him. Sighing, Angel closed his eyes and his body finally relaxed into hers. "I just want to stay like this forever."
"I know the feeling." She whispered. Leaning down she kissed him softly on his brow.
Before long Angel fell asleep, snuggling down deeper into him, Buffy joined him. She would ask him in the morning what was wrong. For now though, he was emotionally exhausted and needed to sleep.
Part 2
Willow woke around eight to an empty bed. 'Tara must be already down stairs cooking breakfast or something.' She thought to herself. Slowly getting up she pulled on her bath robe and headed downstairs. Sitting on the steps though was Tara with Dawn leaning against her shoulder.
"Hey, what are you two doing." She asked smiling.
"Shh," Dawn said.
Willow was confused at the sight of the two of them. They both sat there looking at something. Willow followed Dawns gaze and her eyes rested upon Buffy lying on top of Angel, the two of them sleeping soundly. Her mouth moved into a silent 'oh' at the sight of the two.
She walked down the steps to join her lover and her adopted sister at the bottom of the stairs. "How long has he been here?" she asked quietly.
"I don't know." Tara whispered "I- I woke up about six and saw them like this. Th- that is A-A-Angel, right?"
Willow nodded. "I closed the blinds for them." Dawn said. "I'm going to go into the kitchen and see if we have any blood left. Angel must be hungry." With that she moved away.
"They look so in love." Tara whispered
"They were. are." She leaned into her girlfriends arms. "I've never seen two people more in love then them. They went through so much, with him being a vampire, her a slayer, I'm surprised there relationship lasted as long as it did."
"I wonder why he's here." Tara thought out loud.
"Whatever the reason is, it's something bad."
"Why do you say that?"
"Angel tries to keep away from her. It hurts the two of them to see each other when they know what they can't have. So if he came here, something happened to him, something that he can't handle right now. The last time they saw each other was at Joyce's funeral."
"With as hard as a breakup they had, they still go to each other?"
"Every time one of them can't handle something. It's not that often, but they have a silent agreement that if they need the other one, they can go there, no questions asked."
Both girls were silent for a moment looking at the two sleeping lovers wrapped in each others arms. "Come on, why don't we let them sleep." The two of them got up and left to go help Dawn in the kitchen.
Part 3
Buffy awoke to the smell of bacon and pancakes being fixed. Something happened last night but she couldn't remember. All she knew was that she felt more refreshed then she'd felt in a long time. Sighing, she tried to burry herself deeper into her covers when she realized she wasn't in her bed. Opening her eyes she saw Angel, still sound asleep, his arms wrapped protectively around her.
The memories of the night before came wafting back to her. She remembered how they talked about his family and about her mother for a good hour. But most of all she remembered him at her door covered in snow crying. He hadn't told her what was wrong yet and it was starting to worry her. In all the time they had been apart he had never come to her for anything. It was always him coming to her because she needed him, not vise versa.
Angels eyes slowly fluttered open to be greeted by Buffy's concerned face.
"You okay?" she asked gently, her hand coming up to cup his cheek. He gently leaned into it closing his eyes again. He didn't want to tell her. He didn't even know why he came here. He couldn't tell her what was going on. She would be to upset about it and..
"Angel." She said softly. "You're going to have to tell me sometime."
Opening his eyes he said, "I don't want to ruin your Christmas."
Buffy sighed and leaned her forehead against his. "Instead you want me to go insane with worry?"
"If it means I don't have to tell you."
"Angel." She said warningly
"I know, I know. It's just. I'm not sure it's something you're going to want to hear."
"That doesn't matter."
He looked up into her eyes and all he saw was absolute love. He missed that look so much. He used to see it every night when he was living here, but now, he was lucky if he saw it every year. Sighing he relented "I'll tell you. I promise."
Buffy nodded once. "Come on, I think everyone is up. We should probably go to them you know, so they don't think anything funny has happened." Standing up the two of them stretched out all of the kinks from staying in the same position for the better part of the night.
Buffy headed into the kitchen with Angel right behind her. Willow and Tara where at the stove cooking while Dawn was setting the table. When the two of them walked in all eyes looked up.
"Morning." Buffy said. Sensing Angel's discomfort at being the center of attention she took his hand.
"Morning." They replied
"I thought the two of you would never get up. I mean, hello! It's Christmas! You're supposed to get up early and open presents!"
"Whose rule is that?" Buffy smiled
Angel looked at her, "Everyone's." He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"See?" Dawn said pointing at Angel
"Oh no you don't. You're not allowed to come here and take her side on things!" Buffy said to Angel, playfully poking him in the chest.
He gave her one of his famous half smiles and pulled away from her. "Hey, you know me, I just agree with the most beautiful woman in the room." He said walking over to give Dawn a hug.
"Hey!"
"It's true Buffy. You have lost your looks some." Dawn said playing along.
"Oh thanks." She said smiling. She left Dawn and Angel to there teasing and walked over to Willow and Tara. "Need any help?"
"Nope, it's almost all done." Willow was frying the bacon on the skillet. "Although, I would like to be clued in here a little bit." She whispered with a knowing smile towards Angel.
"So would I." she said back
"You- you mean you don't know why he's here?"
"He hasn't told me, I think it's something serious though." She said while looking over at Dawn and Angel sitting at the table. She couldn't help but smile when she heard Dawn retelling a story about how she almost got eaten by a vampire. Angel sat there giving her self-defense tactics telling her what she should do if she ever got into that situation again.
After breakfast was eaten and the dishes were almost cleaned the phone rang. Dawn bounded up to it and answered it cheerily. "Merry Christmas!" She paused, he smile slipping a bit. "Yeah, just a minute." Turning to Angel she said, "Cordelia's on the phone for you. She sounds kinda upset."
Angel rubbed at his temple like he was trying to get rid of a headache. Walking over to the phone he took it from Dawn and reluctantly put it up to his ear.
"Hi Cordelia." He said leaning against the wall. "I know this.. No we didn't. Cordelia! What do think I am? No I did not sleep with her." He growled. Buffy couldn't help but stifle a little giggle at that. "Do we have to talk about this now?" Angel started biting the inside of his cheek. "Did you try feeding him?" Buffy looked up from her dish washing at that. Fear was etched all over Angels face. She had a feeling that this had to do with the reason why he was here. "What about. No that wouldn't work. NO, you will not give him whiskey to shut him up. God Cordy, he's two months old!" Angel sighed, "Listen give him his bottle and turn on some music and just rock him okay? I'll get home as soon as it's safe. K. Bye."
Angel hung the phone back up. In the living room he could hear laughter from Dawn and Tara. When he turned around he saw both Buffy and Willow looking at him.
"I'll um. leave you two alone." Willow fidgeted nervously and walked out of the room.
"We need to talk." He said meeting Buffy's eyes. She just nodded at him.
Ten minutes later the two of them were walking down the street, the snow falling all around them preventing the sun from shinning once again. No one was outside yet. Most likely they were inside where it was warm, opening presents, laughing, being a family.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?" Buffy finally asked.
"That was Cordelia on the phone." He stated, knowing full well she knew who it was. "We were talking about a baby."
"I figured that much." Buffy said looking at him. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, a sure sign that something was wrong.
"The baby his name is Conner and he's. well he's. mine." Buffy stopped abruptly. 'Did he just say what I thought he said?'
"Ok, be kind, rewind."
Angel led her over to a bench. He brushed the snow off of it and sat down with her. "There is this law firm that doesn't really like me. They resurrected Darla and."
"Wait! DARLA? As in your sire Darla!"
"That would be the one." He looked down at the ground. She was already upset. How was she going to act to the rest of the story? "They resurrected her as sort of a torture device to me. To make a long story short, it worked. I started going off the deep end, I became obsessed with her. I didn't care that people were dying, I just. After a particularly bad night I came back home and she was there. I-I didn't want to go on anymore so I-I slept with her."
"What?" Buffy gasped "You slept with her. Angel, sex makes you lose your soul and. You wanted to lose your soul!" she said jumping up. Angel cold only nod. "What the HELL is wrong with you?! Do you know what you could have done if you had lost it?!"
"I didn't care."
"Didn't care? DIDN'T CARE! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED PEOPLE, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND YOU DIDN'T CARE!" she was shouting as long as she could now.
"Buffy please," he stood up trying to get her to be quiet.
"NO! Don't you dare Buffy me. Angel you were going to willingly set that thing FREE AGAIN! How could you?" teas were starting to come down her face. "Did you ever think that after he was done killing everyone in L.A that he would come back here to deal with me?"
Angel was silent.
"No, you didn't did you. I know I should be worried about the people in L.A but you know what, I don't care if I sound conceited because I went through hell when Angelus was free."
"You went through hell on earth. I went through hell literally." He growled
"I did what I had to do." They both were silent. Buffy was pacing in anger and Angel stood there trying to regain control.
"I'll just leave." He turned to go when he felt Buffy's hand on his arm.
"Finnish the story." She said calmly
Without turning around, Angel continued. "I didn't lose my soul. I realized that I never could with her. I didn't love her. I wasn't happy with her. I kicked her out of my room and told her that if she ever came back that I would stake her."
Buffy let go of his arm. She was still to mad at him to sit down but she was happy to hear that Darla couldn't make him happy. That she was the only one who was yet to do that.
"She came back about eight months later pregnant."
"You told me once that vampires can't have children." She said, her anger starting to boil again at the thought that he lied to her. I mean that was one of the reasons why he left in the first place.
"They can't. Connor was prophesized." He stated
"Oh." Buffy looked down at the ground embarrassed.
"Seeing how he was prophesized every demon and human in this world wanted him. Especially this one guy, Holtz. I killed his family when I was Angelus so he came from the past determined to kill mine."
Buffy's anger had disappeared now. She knew that there was more to this story and right now Angel didn't need her to be angry with him. Taking his hand they resumed their seat.
"The baby gave Darla a conscience while he was in her. When she went into labor she realized that she could never be in this world and not want to hurt him. So she killed herself. Staked herself right in front of me." His eyes started to well up at the thought. They sat there a few minutes while Angel regained some control.
"Connor's only two months old and he is the main target in this world. I don't think there had been a single day where I haven't had to protect him from some sort of demon, especially Holtz. Buffy," he said turning to her. "I don't know if I can protect him anymore." A tear slipped out of his eye and Buffy reached her thumb up to catch it.
"Oh Angel." She took him into her arms and held him while he once again cried.
"I can't lose him Buffy. I'm just so tired though, I've barely slept in the past two months and."
"Shh. it's okay Angel."
"No it's not!" He pulled away from her. "Buffy, Holtz is out for revenge. I raped and murdered his daughter then I turned her so that he would have to stake her." He said in a rush. The tears were streaming down his face now.
Buffy looked at him, not quite sure what she could do to help him.
"I know I don't deserve him after everything that I've done but."
"Don't say that." She whispered, running a hand through his hair. "I've never met anyone else in this world who does deserve him." Angel closed his eyes and leaned into her embrace. Her arms went around him tightly, her hands soothing him with soft circles on his back. "He'll be okay Angel. I promise."
"How can you." He mumbled against her.
"I just do. I know that you won't let anything happen to him and I'm not about to either." Angel looked at her. Buffy just smiled. "I'll help you. We can get Willow and Tara too looks up some spells that will protect him and you and I can deal with this Holtz guy together. I'm not going to let anything happen to him Angel. I'll always be here for you when you need my help."
Angel sat and looked at her. He couldn't believe what she had just said. When he came to Sunnydale he never expected to have her help him. He just came to get comfort, he was to overwhelmed to even think of asking her for help.
Slowly Angel reached up to cup her face in his palm. Then he leaned in for a kiss. The kiss was slow and warm despite the cold air around them. It was shy at first, both of them basking in it, but it soon grew more passionate. They spent it reacquainting each other with the others mouth until they both had to break apart before it went any further.
When Angel looked at Buffy she was breathless. Her lips were swollen from their kiss. She looked like an angel, sitting there like that, surrounded by the white snow falling around them. He leaned his head upon her forehead. "I love you." He breathed out, a little puff of cloud where his breath would be.
"I love you." She sighed reaching in for another kiss. "Merry Christmas Angel." She smiled when they broke apart.
"Merry Christmas love."
The end
Summary: Angel comes to Buffy during Christmas for help.
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe.)
Spoilers: Amends, The Body and the whole Connor and Darla thing in Angel.
Authors Note: Ok, this came to last night right before I was sleeping. I just wanted to deal with the fact that no matter what Buffy and Angel will be there for each other when they need the other. It also has to deal with snow on Christmas, because Amends is like my favorite episode so I had to put this in.
Feedback: Definitely!!!!!!!! SunGal3000@aol.com Also, if you post this story on your website please ask me first. Use the same address as above.
Buffy looked outside her window. A fine sheen of snow was falling, covering the night like a white sheet. No footprints marred the ground yet. It was too late, or early for that matter, for anyone to be walking around, especially in Sunnydale.
It was Christmas Eve, or morning really. At one in the morning Buffy Summers was still up. Something was happening tonight that she knew she needed to be awake for. Being that it was snowing on Christmas in California was giving her enough of the wig gins as it was. It had only snowed in Sunnydale once before. Three years ago the skies had opened up right before dawn, covering the ground in a white blanket and delaying the sun rise.
Buffy sighed. The memories of that day were painful. She had spent the whole day walking around in the snow with him, talking, crying, laughing. Stealing kisses in between. She missed it, it was one of the best Christmas' of her life. But she missed him. Especially today. The atmosphere was all too familiar for her comfort. She wondered if he was up in L.A looking at the snow too, thinking of the same day as she was. She smiled to herself. "No," she amended "brooding, not thinking. Never thinking."
Turning away from the window she sat down in an oversized chair. She took her now cold hot chocolate into her hands and stared at her Christmas tree. Her Dawn, Willow and Tara had decorated it that night. Unwrapping home made ornaments that no one really knew what they were supposed to be. It had been their first Christmas without her mother, therefore making her want to cry at every ornament hung. She knew it was going to be hard this year, for her and Dawn, but she never thought that it would be gut wrenching.
The tree sat and glowed happily at her. It lights twinkling cheerily, making the globes on the tree shine bright. Buffy's eyes moved up to the white angel sitting on top of the tree.
'Angel on top again?'
Her mother's voice said drifting through the air. A tear started to slide from the corner of Buffy's eye. She missed her so much. She felt like she could have done something to save her. If she had only gotten to her sooner or had stayed home that day with her maybe she would be here now. Sitting beside her, waiting with her for whatever was going to come.
A silent knock sounded at the door awaking Buffy from her thoughts. The tears stopped suddenly being replaced with a frown. Slowly she got up. Dawn, Tara, and Willow were all upstairs asleep, Giles was in England and Xander and Anya had gone to the mountains for Christmas. Everyone one she knew was gone.
When she was about a foot in front of the door she froze. She knew exactly who it was. It could only be one person. He was the only one who could get her spine to tingle and her stomach role with excitement.
Her hand reached out to the door knob. Her body was shaking with fear. She wanted it to be him on the other side of the door right now. She needed it to be him. The door quietly fell open and there he stood. He leaned against the door jam, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head bowed. He was dressed in his usual black, from his black boots to his black sweater and black leather duster. The only color on him was the snow flakes that had gathered on his hair and shoulders.
Ever so slowly he lifted his head for his eyes to meet hers. Tear tracks were left on his face from where he had been crying earlier. Now though his eyes looked empty. Without asking any questions Buffy reached out to him and he collapsed into her embrace. They both sunk to the ground, the door still opened behind them. Silently Angel clutched to her body and sobbed. Buffy didn't ask him anything. She knew something was wrong but she wasn't going to push him. Her hands moved up and down his back, caressing him through the leather, making soothing noises trying to calm him down.
When his tears subsided she rolled him over so his head sat in her lap. She looked into his deep chocolate colored eyes. The emptiness that was there a few minutes ago was replaced with grief. Her hand reached up to move across his cheekbone with a feathery light touch. "Do you want to talk about it?" she whispered
Angel's eyes met hers and he slowly shook his head no.
"Ok," she said soothingly. She took his hand in hers and they both stood up and walked over to the couch. The Christmas tree illuminated the whole room in a soft glow. Sitting down there hands stayed in contact. Neither one wanting to let go of the other.
"It's snowing." She stated softly
"It is in L.A too." He finally spoke
"Why is it snowing?" she said, her hand tightening on his.
"I don't know. I don't think I had anything to do with it this time." He gave her a sad smile responding to her hold on his hand. "It's okay that I'm here, right?"
"Of course it's okay. I told you, you can always come here if you need too."
He nodded, taking a deep unnecessary breath. Before either of them knew it, he had slowly pulled her into his arms. They soon found themselves laying on the couch languidly, her resting on top of him, her head laying peacefully on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist tightly.
They sat there for a long while, neither one of them talking. They both lay there taking comfort in one another. They needed that now more then they would ever admit. After a while Angel finally broke the silence. "Are you okay?" he asked
"I should be asking the same thing of you." She retorted. She sighed when he didn't answer, his eyes adverting to the ground. "It's hard, this Christmas. It's the first one that moms not here. It doesn't feel right."
"How so?"
"It feels like I shouldn't be celebrating. Like I shouldn't be doing this without her. She always helped me decorate the Christmas tree and she would make this big ham for dinner. When I was younger she'd always slip me some champagne and. it's different this year."
"Do you miss her?" Angel said, his eyes going back to resting on her green ones.
"Yes. Especially tonight." She answered, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Angel's hands immediately started rubbing the small of her back to comfort her. "I used to never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. So I would crawl downstairs and sit down in front of the Christmas tree. Like clockwork, mom would be up in a few minutes and without a word she'd go make some hot chocolate and we'd sit her for hours talking. We talked about everything. I probably learned more about her those nights then I ever did any other day. It was most likely the same for her too. There was just something about Christmas that made me feel like I could tell her anything." He head angled up towards his. "It was magical, you know."
He looked at her with sad eyes. "I know."
Buffy's hand went to where his heart would be and unconsciously made lazy circles there. "Do you remember what Christmas was like before. before you were turned?" she asked tentively. She knew that Angel's past was something that he rarely ever talked about. The only time she had ever heard anything about his family was that Christmas three years ago and the night her mother died.
"Yeah." His hands stopped moving up and down her back abruptly.
She looked up into his eyes expecting to see his them withdrawn. Instead she found them filled with emotion that she couldn't put her finger on. She saw grief and fear at the thought of his family. She immediately regretted asking him that question. She was about to say so when he started to speak.
"My family was never really close. Kathy, my sister, and I were the only ones who really knew each other. My dad was disappointed in the way I was leading my life, and he hated Kathy for sticking up for me constantly. My mother stayed withdrawn because of this. She rarely ever talked. Kathy was the only one who could ever really get through to her. She was the only one who could really get through to any of us." Buffy sat silently when he paused. He kept his eyes on the tree, not wanting to look at her.
"My brother Sean died right before Christmas eve. Him and I where out playing by the creek in the backyard and I wasn't paying attention. Before I knew it he was screaming, when I looked up I saw him in the creek thrashing around. I- I was able to get him out but he was so cold." Angel said shaking his head in confusion. "I rushed him into the house and my mother did everything she could to keep him warm while I went to fetch the doctor. But it was too late. By the time the doctor had come he had already died. I remember entering the house and seeing his body cradled to my mothers. My father of course blamed me for his death. Telling me that I was a murderer. That it was my fault that he had drowned. I guess he was right too. I mean, should have been watching him more closely, or made sure that he didn't go into the creek. I don't know what I was thinking, letting him play down there in the middle of winter." Angel's body grew tense. Reliving the memories so long pushed away hurt. "After that I started drinking, whoring, fighting, anything and everything I could do to make my father disappointed in me."
Buffy sat there. She was shocked at Angel's story. Now she knew why he never really talked about his family. Most of his memories seemed to be sad ones. "Angel, it wasn't your fault that he died. It was no ones fault."
"Yeah, maybe." He said, his eyes were still starring blankly at the other side of the room, his voice holding no emotion.
"NO! No maybe." she gently turned his chin towards her, forcing him to look at him. "It wasn't your fault. You hear me? It was an accident. You did everything you could to save him Angel."
Angel looked into her eyes and nodded. Buffy knew her words hadn't helped him. That he still believed that he was at fault for his brother's death. There was nothing she could do though, those memories were too painful for him. What Angelus had done he would keep with him forever, always feeling guilty, no matter what.
His head went and rested on top of hers. Closing his eyes he continued down memory lane.
"Kathy and I used to do this." He whispered
"Do what?" Buffy asked, settling back down into his shoulder when his head fell upon hers.
"Sit up on Christmas Eve and just talk." He smiled a little. "I never went out on Christmas night. I always stayed in with Kathy. If it was any other night of the year I'd be in a pub or in the bed of some whore. But on Christmas Eve, I'd stay in. We'd talk about everything, always trying to stay away from the bad subjects. We would retell stories that we remembered about each other. All sorts of things. I think she was the only one in the family that loved me no matter what I did."
"I'm sure your parents loved you. They just didn't know how to express it. They probably had problems of there own and were just too wrapped up in them to show you that they loved you. But they did Angel, I know they did."
"When did you get so wise." He smiled
"I grew up a bit."
"Then maybe you could explain something to me. Why, when I. Angelus killed her, did he do it so slowly and gentle. He made it so she wasn't afraid or anything. She was the closest thing to my heart, why didn't he do more to her to make me hurt."
"Because he loved her." Buffy angled her head up to look at him. "Angel, Angelus still has your feelings, he loved Kathy very much and he didn't want to hurt her. The demon part of him though was telling him to kill her savagely probably, but the part of him that was still humane. why do you think Angelus never killed me?"
"He wanted too."
"But he didn't. He had so many opportunities and he never once tried."
Angel looked at her for another second and then buried his head into the crook of her neck. Her arms instinctively went around him. Sighing, Angel closed his eyes and his body finally relaxed into hers. "I just want to stay like this forever."
"I know the feeling." She whispered. Leaning down she kissed him softly on his brow.
Before long Angel fell asleep, snuggling down deeper into him, Buffy joined him. She would ask him in the morning what was wrong. For now though, he was emotionally exhausted and needed to sleep.
Part 2
Willow woke around eight to an empty bed. 'Tara must be already down stairs cooking breakfast or something.' She thought to herself. Slowly getting up she pulled on her bath robe and headed downstairs. Sitting on the steps though was Tara with Dawn leaning against her shoulder.
"Hey, what are you two doing." She asked smiling.
"Shh," Dawn said.
Willow was confused at the sight of the two of them. They both sat there looking at something. Willow followed Dawns gaze and her eyes rested upon Buffy lying on top of Angel, the two of them sleeping soundly. Her mouth moved into a silent 'oh' at the sight of the two.
She walked down the steps to join her lover and her adopted sister at the bottom of the stairs. "How long has he been here?" she asked quietly.
"I don't know." Tara whispered "I- I woke up about six and saw them like this. Th- that is A-A-Angel, right?"
Willow nodded. "I closed the blinds for them." Dawn said. "I'm going to go into the kitchen and see if we have any blood left. Angel must be hungry." With that she moved away.
"They look so in love." Tara whispered
"They were. are." She leaned into her girlfriends arms. "I've never seen two people more in love then them. They went through so much, with him being a vampire, her a slayer, I'm surprised there relationship lasted as long as it did."
"I wonder why he's here." Tara thought out loud.
"Whatever the reason is, it's something bad."
"Why do you say that?"
"Angel tries to keep away from her. It hurts the two of them to see each other when they know what they can't have. So if he came here, something happened to him, something that he can't handle right now. The last time they saw each other was at Joyce's funeral."
"With as hard as a breakup they had, they still go to each other?"
"Every time one of them can't handle something. It's not that often, but they have a silent agreement that if they need the other one, they can go there, no questions asked."
Both girls were silent for a moment looking at the two sleeping lovers wrapped in each others arms. "Come on, why don't we let them sleep." The two of them got up and left to go help Dawn in the kitchen.
Part 3
Buffy awoke to the smell of bacon and pancakes being fixed. Something happened last night but she couldn't remember. All she knew was that she felt more refreshed then she'd felt in a long time. Sighing, she tried to burry herself deeper into her covers when she realized she wasn't in her bed. Opening her eyes she saw Angel, still sound asleep, his arms wrapped protectively around her.
The memories of the night before came wafting back to her. She remembered how they talked about his family and about her mother for a good hour. But most of all she remembered him at her door covered in snow crying. He hadn't told her what was wrong yet and it was starting to worry her. In all the time they had been apart he had never come to her for anything. It was always him coming to her because she needed him, not vise versa.
Angels eyes slowly fluttered open to be greeted by Buffy's concerned face.
"You okay?" she asked gently, her hand coming up to cup his cheek. He gently leaned into it closing his eyes again. He didn't want to tell her. He didn't even know why he came here. He couldn't tell her what was going on. She would be to upset about it and..
"Angel." She said softly. "You're going to have to tell me sometime."
Opening his eyes he said, "I don't want to ruin your Christmas."
Buffy sighed and leaned her forehead against his. "Instead you want me to go insane with worry?"
"If it means I don't have to tell you."
"Angel." She said warningly
"I know, I know. It's just. I'm not sure it's something you're going to want to hear."
"That doesn't matter."
He looked up into her eyes and all he saw was absolute love. He missed that look so much. He used to see it every night when he was living here, but now, he was lucky if he saw it every year. Sighing he relented "I'll tell you. I promise."
Buffy nodded once. "Come on, I think everyone is up. We should probably go to them you know, so they don't think anything funny has happened." Standing up the two of them stretched out all of the kinks from staying in the same position for the better part of the night.
Buffy headed into the kitchen with Angel right behind her. Willow and Tara where at the stove cooking while Dawn was setting the table. When the two of them walked in all eyes looked up.
"Morning." Buffy said. Sensing Angel's discomfort at being the center of attention she took his hand.
"Morning." They replied
"I thought the two of you would never get up. I mean, hello! It's Christmas! You're supposed to get up early and open presents!"
"Whose rule is that?" Buffy smiled
Angel looked at her, "Everyone's." He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"See?" Dawn said pointing at Angel
"Oh no you don't. You're not allowed to come here and take her side on things!" Buffy said to Angel, playfully poking him in the chest.
He gave her one of his famous half smiles and pulled away from her. "Hey, you know me, I just agree with the most beautiful woman in the room." He said walking over to give Dawn a hug.
"Hey!"
"It's true Buffy. You have lost your looks some." Dawn said playing along.
"Oh thanks." She said smiling. She left Dawn and Angel to there teasing and walked over to Willow and Tara. "Need any help?"
"Nope, it's almost all done." Willow was frying the bacon on the skillet. "Although, I would like to be clued in here a little bit." She whispered with a knowing smile towards Angel.
"So would I." she said back
"You- you mean you don't know why he's here?"
"He hasn't told me, I think it's something serious though." She said while looking over at Dawn and Angel sitting at the table. She couldn't help but smile when she heard Dawn retelling a story about how she almost got eaten by a vampire. Angel sat there giving her self-defense tactics telling her what she should do if she ever got into that situation again.
After breakfast was eaten and the dishes were almost cleaned the phone rang. Dawn bounded up to it and answered it cheerily. "Merry Christmas!" She paused, he smile slipping a bit. "Yeah, just a minute." Turning to Angel she said, "Cordelia's on the phone for you. She sounds kinda upset."
Angel rubbed at his temple like he was trying to get rid of a headache. Walking over to the phone he took it from Dawn and reluctantly put it up to his ear.
"Hi Cordelia." He said leaning against the wall. "I know this.. No we didn't. Cordelia! What do think I am? No I did not sleep with her." He growled. Buffy couldn't help but stifle a little giggle at that. "Do we have to talk about this now?" Angel started biting the inside of his cheek. "Did you try feeding him?" Buffy looked up from her dish washing at that. Fear was etched all over Angels face. She had a feeling that this had to do with the reason why he was here. "What about. No that wouldn't work. NO, you will not give him whiskey to shut him up. God Cordy, he's two months old!" Angel sighed, "Listen give him his bottle and turn on some music and just rock him okay? I'll get home as soon as it's safe. K. Bye."
Angel hung the phone back up. In the living room he could hear laughter from Dawn and Tara. When he turned around he saw both Buffy and Willow looking at him.
"I'll um. leave you two alone." Willow fidgeted nervously and walked out of the room.
"We need to talk." He said meeting Buffy's eyes. She just nodded at him.
Ten minutes later the two of them were walking down the street, the snow falling all around them preventing the sun from shinning once again. No one was outside yet. Most likely they were inside where it was warm, opening presents, laughing, being a family.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?" Buffy finally asked.
"That was Cordelia on the phone." He stated, knowing full well she knew who it was. "We were talking about a baby."
"I figured that much." Buffy said looking at him. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, a sure sign that something was wrong.
"The baby his name is Conner and he's. well he's. mine." Buffy stopped abruptly. 'Did he just say what I thought he said?'
"Ok, be kind, rewind."
Angel led her over to a bench. He brushed the snow off of it and sat down with her. "There is this law firm that doesn't really like me. They resurrected Darla and."
"Wait! DARLA? As in your sire Darla!"
"That would be the one." He looked down at the ground. She was already upset. How was she going to act to the rest of the story? "They resurrected her as sort of a torture device to me. To make a long story short, it worked. I started going off the deep end, I became obsessed with her. I didn't care that people were dying, I just. After a particularly bad night I came back home and she was there. I-I didn't want to go on anymore so I-I slept with her."
"What?" Buffy gasped "You slept with her. Angel, sex makes you lose your soul and. You wanted to lose your soul!" she said jumping up. Angel cold only nod. "What the HELL is wrong with you?! Do you know what you could have done if you had lost it?!"
"I didn't care."
"Didn't care? DIDN'T CARE! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED PEOPLE, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND YOU DIDN'T CARE!" she was shouting as long as she could now.
"Buffy please," he stood up trying to get her to be quiet.
"NO! Don't you dare Buffy me. Angel you were going to willingly set that thing FREE AGAIN! How could you?" teas were starting to come down her face. "Did you ever think that after he was done killing everyone in L.A that he would come back here to deal with me?"
Angel was silent.
"No, you didn't did you. I know I should be worried about the people in L.A but you know what, I don't care if I sound conceited because I went through hell when Angelus was free."
"You went through hell on earth. I went through hell literally." He growled
"I did what I had to do." They both were silent. Buffy was pacing in anger and Angel stood there trying to regain control.
"I'll just leave." He turned to go when he felt Buffy's hand on his arm.
"Finnish the story." She said calmly
Without turning around, Angel continued. "I didn't lose my soul. I realized that I never could with her. I didn't love her. I wasn't happy with her. I kicked her out of my room and told her that if she ever came back that I would stake her."
Buffy let go of his arm. She was still to mad at him to sit down but she was happy to hear that Darla couldn't make him happy. That she was the only one who was yet to do that.
"She came back about eight months later pregnant."
"You told me once that vampires can't have children." She said, her anger starting to boil again at the thought that he lied to her. I mean that was one of the reasons why he left in the first place.
"They can't. Connor was prophesized." He stated
"Oh." Buffy looked down at the ground embarrassed.
"Seeing how he was prophesized every demon and human in this world wanted him. Especially this one guy, Holtz. I killed his family when I was Angelus so he came from the past determined to kill mine."
Buffy's anger had disappeared now. She knew that there was more to this story and right now Angel didn't need her to be angry with him. Taking his hand they resumed their seat.
"The baby gave Darla a conscience while he was in her. When she went into labor she realized that she could never be in this world and not want to hurt him. So she killed herself. Staked herself right in front of me." His eyes started to well up at the thought. They sat there a few minutes while Angel regained some control.
"Connor's only two months old and he is the main target in this world. I don't think there had been a single day where I haven't had to protect him from some sort of demon, especially Holtz. Buffy," he said turning to her. "I don't know if I can protect him anymore." A tear slipped out of his eye and Buffy reached her thumb up to catch it.
"Oh Angel." She took him into her arms and held him while he once again cried.
"I can't lose him Buffy. I'm just so tired though, I've barely slept in the past two months and."
"Shh. it's okay Angel."
"No it's not!" He pulled away from her. "Buffy, Holtz is out for revenge. I raped and murdered his daughter then I turned her so that he would have to stake her." He said in a rush. The tears were streaming down his face now.
Buffy looked at him, not quite sure what she could do to help him.
"I know I don't deserve him after everything that I've done but."
"Don't say that." She whispered, running a hand through his hair. "I've never met anyone else in this world who does deserve him." Angel closed his eyes and leaned into her embrace. Her arms went around him tightly, her hands soothing him with soft circles on his back. "He'll be okay Angel. I promise."
"How can you." He mumbled against her.
"I just do. I know that you won't let anything happen to him and I'm not about to either." Angel looked at her. Buffy just smiled. "I'll help you. We can get Willow and Tara too looks up some spells that will protect him and you and I can deal with this Holtz guy together. I'm not going to let anything happen to him Angel. I'll always be here for you when you need my help."
Angel sat and looked at her. He couldn't believe what she had just said. When he came to Sunnydale he never expected to have her help him. He just came to get comfort, he was to overwhelmed to even think of asking her for help.
Slowly Angel reached up to cup her face in his palm. Then he leaned in for a kiss. The kiss was slow and warm despite the cold air around them. It was shy at first, both of them basking in it, but it soon grew more passionate. They spent it reacquainting each other with the others mouth until they both had to break apart before it went any further.
When Angel looked at Buffy she was breathless. Her lips were swollen from their kiss. She looked like an angel, sitting there like that, surrounded by the white snow falling around them. He leaned his head upon her forehead. "I love you." He breathed out, a little puff of cloud where his breath would be.
"I love you." She sighed reaching in for another kiss. "Merry Christmas Angel." She smiled when they broke apart.
"Merry Christmas love."
The end