Chapter Five: And Who You Gonna Call?
A/N: Just a question, do you think characters from other books/movies/games
should make appearances, or is it stupid? Is the Butler on drugs thing
getting a bit much?
Mary Sue lay in one of Fowl manor's many baths. This was her fifth bath, the first four having turned a murky grey-green colour in seconds. The vomit, chicken intestines, manure and most of the paint had been cleaned off, leaving only a few tinges of the offending decorative liquid on her face. A plate of caviar and a warm Milo sat on the table next to the bath. All in all Mary Sue was comfortable.
Butler snuck down to the under works of Fowl Manor. The place where all the plumbing and electrics for Fowl manor were. If anyone wanted to sabotage Fowl manor, this would be the place to do it. Butler smirked. Artemis had confiscated all his drugs. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, ecstasy, barbiturates, LSD's, everything. But there was one place Artemis hadn't looked.
Butler dropped his daks, squatted down and did what he had to do. After several seconds he wiped his backside with his hand, pulled his trousers up and began to sift through his crap.
There, right in the middle of it all was a tiny steel box. Butler did a little victory dance and cracked the box open. A small pile of white powder fell out and onto the ground. Forty thousand dollars worth of heroin.
Butler had spent over two billion dollars on drugs in the past year. He hoped Artemis didn't figure it out.
Suddenly someone several floors above Butler screamed. Obviously Artemis had figured it out.
Butler bent down and scooped up a mouthful of dirt and white powder from the floor in his mouth. "WOOHOO!" He screamed and began to dance, singing all the while. "COCO JUMBO!"
"BUTLER!" Screamed Artemis as he flung open the under works door, a gun in his hand, rage in his eyes.
Butler screamed and ran. Artemis gave a war cry and chased him. Butler glanced behind him, and ran head first into a wall. The gargantuan manservant fell backwards, an electricity cable in his teeth. He released it just as it snapped.
The heavy, exposed cable swung sideways and hit a large steel box full of gold. The box fell down onto a water pipe, the cable caught in its latch, then, with an ominous thud, the box and the cable hit the huge mains water pipe, cracking a tiny hole in it.
"Shit." Said Artemis.
Electricity seared through the steel pipe, and as you know, dear reader, electricity and water don't go well together. The electrified liquid flew up every pipe it could, turning kitchen taps into lethal weapons, and bathtubs into death traps.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Screamed Mary Sue as she leapt into the air, through the bathroom ceiling, and came crashing down on top of a grand piano, electricity searing through her body. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way, her muscles twitching regardless of what she tried to do. One of her arms flew back and whacked her in the nose.
The smashed piano began to play the Funeral March out of tune, but for its own Funeral, not Mary Sue's, because, ever wonderful reader, the author has a far more, um, interesting death planned for Mary Sue.
Mary Sue's arms stopped twitching and she stood up, her hair blackened, and, once again, on fire. The door burst open and Artemis and Butler ran in. Butler kept on running, into Mary Sue, knocking her down, then, with one final "YAY!" he plummeted out a plate glass window. "WOOOOOHOOOO! I'M SKY DIVI-AGH!" He cried, cut short by a sickening crunch. Artemis winced. "Oh well, maybe I can sell his body to science and get some of the two billion back.
Mary Sue sighed and fell backwards, out the broken window.
"MAAAAARRRRRYYYYYYY SUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!" Screamed Artemis as he ran down four hundred flights of stairs and out the door of Fowl manor, just as Mary Sue crash landed on top of the amazingly-still-alive Butler, who had crash landed on the bonnet of the Bentley. Angeline and Artemis Senior were gardening and hadn't noticed this incident.
The Bentley creaked and its wheels fell off, the panels snapped, the roof caved in, the windows exploded outwards and the doors flew off. One of them hit Artemis Senior in the head. He continued to garden, apparently unaware that he should be unconscious.
Mary Sue groaned and rolled off the car, and onto the flower bed that the senior Fowls were gardening at.
"NOOOO! MY RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" Screamed Angeline, who had become quite a geneticist, and had created several new species of plant. "GET HER RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" She yelled.
The plant Mary Sue had landed on tossed her onto the driveway and began to shoot spikes at her butt. Mary Sue fainted and Butler rolled off the car and squashed the plant. It began to turn a bright red colour and started shooting thorns everywhere.
Butler, Artemis, Angeline and Artemis Senior overturned one of those crappy plastic garden tables and hid behind it. Butler drew his Sig Sauer and fired wildly over the top of the table. Several panes of glass broke, a cat gave a loud 'miaow!', and someone yelled "OUCH!", but the plant kept on shooting.
It span around and fired a volley of thorns at the Bentley. The spikes slammed into the vehicle fuel tank and a stream of fuel began to leak out.
Mary Sue got to her feet and began to totter around the drive, magically being missed by the thorns. Butler raised his gun and began to shoot again. One of the bullets hit the puddle of fuel.
The fuel exploded, burning out the car's interior and throwing it into the air and toward.
"AAAAAAAGHHHHHHH" Screamed Mary Sue as the shell of the car slammed into her. The momentum kept it going until Mary Sue slammed into the stone wall of Fowl manor. Mary Sue was nearly squashed flat, like the meat in the sandwich. With bread so hard it had to be a century old. The Bentley flipped over backwards, Mary Sue slammed, cartoon style to its underside, then, with one last groan it flipped over until it was sitting the right way up, and only two bruised and cut arms, protruding from under the car shell, could be seen of Mary Sue.
"DUCK AND COVER!" Said Butler with great zeal, and far too late.
Mary Sue lay in one of Fowl manor's many baths. This was her fifth bath, the first four having turned a murky grey-green colour in seconds. The vomit, chicken intestines, manure and most of the paint had been cleaned off, leaving only a few tinges of the offending decorative liquid on her face. A plate of caviar and a warm Milo sat on the table next to the bath. All in all Mary Sue was comfortable.
Butler snuck down to the under works of Fowl Manor. The place where all the plumbing and electrics for Fowl manor were. If anyone wanted to sabotage Fowl manor, this would be the place to do it. Butler smirked. Artemis had confiscated all his drugs. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, ecstasy, barbiturates, LSD's, everything. But there was one place Artemis hadn't looked.
Butler dropped his daks, squatted down and did what he had to do. After several seconds he wiped his backside with his hand, pulled his trousers up and began to sift through his crap.
There, right in the middle of it all was a tiny steel box. Butler did a little victory dance and cracked the box open. A small pile of white powder fell out and onto the ground. Forty thousand dollars worth of heroin.
Butler had spent over two billion dollars on drugs in the past year. He hoped Artemis didn't figure it out.
Suddenly someone several floors above Butler screamed. Obviously Artemis had figured it out.
Butler bent down and scooped up a mouthful of dirt and white powder from the floor in his mouth. "WOOHOO!" He screamed and began to dance, singing all the while. "COCO JUMBO!"
"BUTLER!" Screamed Artemis as he flung open the under works door, a gun in his hand, rage in his eyes.
Butler screamed and ran. Artemis gave a war cry and chased him. Butler glanced behind him, and ran head first into a wall. The gargantuan manservant fell backwards, an electricity cable in his teeth. He released it just as it snapped.
The heavy, exposed cable swung sideways and hit a large steel box full of gold. The box fell down onto a water pipe, the cable caught in its latch, then, with an ominous thud, the box and the cable hit the huge mains water pipe, cracking a tiny hole in it.
"Shit." Said Artemis.
Electricity seared through the steel pipe, and as you know, dear reader, electricity and water don't go well together. The electrified liquid flew up every pipe it could, turning kitchen taps into lethal weapons, and bathtubs into death traps.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Screamed Mary Sue as she leapt into the air, through the bathroom ceiling, and came crashing down on top of a grand piano, electricity searing through her body. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way, her muscles twitching regardless of what she tried to do. One of her arms flew back and whacked her in the nose.
The smashed piano began to play the Funeral March out of tune, but for its own Funeral, not Mary Sue's, because, ever wonderful reader, the author has a far more, um, interesting death planned for Mary Sue.
Mary Sue's arms stopped twitching and she stood up, her hair blackened, and, once again, on fire. The door burst open and Artemis and Butler ran in. Butler kept on running, into Mary Sue, knocking her down, then, with one final "YAY!" he plummeted out a plate glass window. "WOOOOOHOOOO! I'M SKY DIVI-AGH!" He cried, cut short by a sickening crunch. Artemis winced. "Oh well, maybe I can sell his body to science and get some of the two billion back.
Mary Sue sighed and fell backwards, out the broken window.
"MAAAAARRRRRYYYYYYY SUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!" Screamed Artemis as he ran down four hundred flights of stairs and out the door of Fowl manor, just as Mary Sue crash landed on top of the amazingly-still-alive Butler, who had crash landed on the bonnet of the Bentley. Angeline and Artemis Senior were gardening and hadn't noticed this incident.
The Bentley creaked and its wheels fell off, the panels snapped, the roof caved in, the windows exploded outwards and the doors flew off. One of them hit Artemis Senior in the head. He continued to garden, apparently unaware that he should be unconscious.
Mary Sue groaned and rolled off the car, and onto the flower bed that the senior Fowls were gardening at.
"NOOOO! MY RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" Screamed Angeline, who had become quite a geneticist, and had created several new species of plant. "GET HER RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" She yelled.
The plant Mary Sue had landed on tossed her onto the driveway and began to shoot spikes at her butt. Mary Sue fainted and Butler rolled off the car and squashed the plant. It began to turn a bright red colour and started shooting thorns everywhere.
Butler, Artemis, Angeline and Artemis Senior overturned one of those crappy plastic garden tables and hid behind it. Butler drew his Sig Sauer and fired wildly over the top of the table. Several panes of glass broke, a cat gave a loud 'miaow!', and someone yelled "OUCH!", but the plant kept on shooting.
It span around and fired a volley of thorns at the Bentley. The spikes slammed into the vehicle fuel tank and a stream of fuel began to leak out.
Mary Sue got to her feet and began to totter around the drive, magically being missed by the thorns. Butler raised his gun and began to shoot again. One of the bullets hit the puddle of fuel.
The fuel exploded, burning out the car's interior and throwing it into the air and toward.
"AAAAAAAGHHHHHHH" Screamed Mary Sue as the shell of the car slammed into her. The momentum kept it going until Mary Sue slammed into the stone wall of Fowl manor. Mary Sue was nearly squashed flat, like the meat in the sandwich. With bread so hard it had to be a century old. The Bentley flipped over backwards, Mary Sue slammed, cartoon style to its underside, then, with one last groan it flipped over until it was sitting the right way up, and only two bruised and cut arms, protruding from under the car shell, could be seen of Mary Sue.
"DUCK AND COVER!" Said Butler with great zeal, and far too late.