Chapter 6: In Which Mary Sue Is In Intensive Care. Again.
A/N: HEY! MYSTICANGEL4!!! Just a note to a reviewer, MysticAngel4, you said
something about Mary Sue getting squashed guts and broken bones? Well this
might just be your chapter.
"How is she, doctor!?" Asked Artemis, terror in his voice as he stood outside Mary Sue's private intensive care room.
"Well." droned the doctor."Broken bones, squashed guts, electrified. Now I've heard of rough sex, but honestly."
Artemis looked appalled. "DOCTOR! I AM ONLY SIXTEEN FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
"Hmmm." Droned the Doctor, seemingly unconvinced. Butler punched him in the face. The unfortunate doctor flew back into a wheelchair, which began to roll down the hallway. It slammed through a wooden door and the doctor screamed as the chair smashed through a steel hand railing and flew off a set of steps and down several stories.
"Oh, Shit." Said Artemis. "That reminds me. We forgot to lock the house when we left."
He pulled a PDA out of his pocket and tapped a few buttons. An image of Fowl manor appeared on the screen. "Lock." Said Artemis. Plates of steel slammed down over the house, completely encasing it. "Locked." Said the PDA.
"Butler", said Artemis, "did you ring the power company and tell them to shut off our power?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. And The Water company? The water pressure really pushed the leak open, it's as big as your fist now."
Butler looked at Artemis strangely. "Water company?"
Artemis gulped. "Locked house. Airtight. Hole the size of fist. Half An Hour's Drive Away."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Butler. "MAN YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA BE PISSED WHEN THEY GET BACK FROM SOUTHERN ITALY!!! THE HOUSE IS GONNA BE COMPLETELY FLOODED!!!!!!!!"
Artemis yanked out his PDA and began hurriedly pressing buttons. "Press 'A' to remove the metal casing from Fowl manor." Said the PDA.
Artemis reached for the A key.
The doctor grabbed the edge of the stair well as the wheelchair plummeted down below him. The Fowl kid was talking to his manservant. The doctor pulled himself up and flung open a huge walk in cupboard. Inside was a ride on carpet cleaning machine, glistening in the artificial light, a picture of a germ with a cross over it on the black plastic steering wheel.
The manservant was yelling now. The doctor mounted the carpet cleaner and twisted the ignition key. Artemis yanked out his PDA. 'Press A', claimed the computer. The doctor accelerated.
Artemis placed his finger on the A key and hesitated to breathe a sigh of relief. This could have been worse. Much worse.
Suddenly Butler screamed and tried to run away, but much like Shaggy and Scooby in the Scooby Doo cartoons, he was stuck to the spot for a few seconds, his legs flailing uselessly.
Artemis looked up. "Oh My God."
The carpet cleaner hit Artemis and Butler, throwing them up onto the bonnet. The machine groaned slightly as Butler landed, but kept going. The Doctor laughed manically as he ploughed toward the hospital beds.
Mary Sue sat up in bed and pulled the drips out of her mouth. She was feeling better. Re energised. She turned to smile at Artemis and screamed.
The cleaner hit her and bounced her up onto Artemis' lap. The Doctor continued to laugh evilly. "WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW, FOWL BOY!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Butler punched the doctor and he flew out of the cleaner seat, head first through a window, across the street, through a window in the building opposite, hit the floor and came skidding past a photographer and right between the legs of a model wearing the latest mini skirt. "Oooh." Said the doctor. "Frilly underpants."
The model screamed. The photographer snapped a few shots to sell to a local paper, and then screamed as well. "SECURITY!! SECURITY!! HELP, SECURITY!!!"
Unfortunately, her cry was so loud it not only brought a muscle bound man from the basement of the modelling agency to throw the doctor out the window, it also brought a team of heavily armed men running from the basement of the hospital.
The men aimed their guns at Butler (who was now driving the cleaner), Artemis and Mary Sue. "FREEZE!!!" Butler took his hands off the wheel and the cleaner slammed into a bed and stopped. Suddenly an itch developed on Mary Sue's nose. She longed to scratch it. She had to. She reached for it.
"SHE MOVED! FIRE!!!!" Bullets slammed into the side of the electric cleaner, breaking wires and shorting out the engine. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis, Butler and Mary Sue as the cleaner flew backwards at top speed. It slammed into the men, throwing them in different directions, and stopped dead. Then, without warning, the cleaner began to spin around and around, in a continual reverse three sixty.
"REGH!" Butler vomited, leaning forward a little. The grey-green mixture of what looked like half digested dog biscuits slammed into Mary Sue's face. The cleaner hit a table and a single huge, purple pill flew through the air, and into Butler's mouth.
"NOT MORE DRUGS!" Yelled Artemis. "WOOHOO!" Cried Butler. He stood up, unzipped his trousers, and took a piss.
"AAAAGHHHH!" Choked Mary Sue as the yellow liquid shot down her throat. "MMMAAAARRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSUUUUUUEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Screamed Artemis. He clambered toward her. The cleaner stopped rotating and shot forward at top speed. Butler continued to piss on the carpet.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT MUCH PISS IN YOU!" Screamed Artemis. Mary Sue just screamed. She lifted her hands off the cleaner to wipe her mouth, and it stopped.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Cried Mary Sue as the momentum from the cleaner threw her forward into a pile of empty boxes.
"Initiating heavy duty cleaning process." Said the cleaner. A large bag ballooned out the back and a vacuum pipe big enough to suck up a person ejected from the front.
The pipe span around madly, sucking up sheets from beds and the contents of bedpans. "Eeeew." Said Artemis. "That stinks."
The cleaner turned to face Mary Sue. The pipe reached toward her, its power ever increasing, and then. "AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!" She was sucked up the pipe and thrown into the bag. "MMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!" Cried Artemis. "GROSS!" Yelled Mary Sue from inside the bag. "WHAT IS THIS STUFF!" Suddenly she fell quiet for a minute, then said. "Wait, don't even tell me. I don't want to know."
Butler gulped and tapped Artemis, who was trying to rip the bag open, on the shoulder. Artemis turned and gasped.
The pipe had latched onto the wall, right next to a huge window.
The pipe sucked on the steel wall, and began to retract. The power was too great. The suction pulling the pipe toward the wall, the malfunctioning cleaner pulling it back. The suction won.
The retraction engine emitted a few sparks and the cleaner began to zoom toward the window, being pulled by the forces of the suction and the motor, sort of like a car winch.
"AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis and Butler. "EEEEEWWWWW!!!" Said Mary Sue. Then, with one last. "AAA!!" The cleaner burst through the window and fell down, slowed only by the pipe. Then the pipe broke off.
The cleaner hit the ground, the hole where the pipe used to be emitting a great howling noise as it sucked in everything in its range.
Four pedestrians, a dog, the dog's droppings and a bicycle zoomed into the hole.
"WE'VE GOT TO STOP IT OR IT'LL SUCK UP THE WHOLE WORLD!!!" Screamed Artemis as a footpath hotdog trolley was sucked in, causing the bag to bulge.
"I'LL STOP IT!!" Cried Butler as a small house was sucked in.
The courageous manservant leapt down onto the footpath in front of the cleaner. Artemis slammed his hand onto his forehead in exasperation as Butler was sucked into the cleaner.
"BUTLER!!" Screamed Artemis as a car was sucked in. "CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!"
"YHMEHMSHM!" Yelled Butler in a muffled voice. "OUCH!" Cried Mary Sue as a truck carrying angry bull cattle was sucked in.
"AMRMTMEMMISM!!!"" Said Butler. "MARY SUE.TRUCK.BROKEN BONES!!!"
"MMMMAAAAARRRRYYYY SSUUUUEEEE!!!!!" Cried Artemis as a sky scraper and two rubbish trucks were sucked in, causing the enormous bag to bulge even higher.
The bag was now taller than every other building in the whole country of Ireland. Any more and it would go out of the earth's atmosphere.
"This is Flight 737 requesting landing permission in an Apache helicopter." Said Bob Joe, who you may remember as a cake shop owner. After his cake shop had been destroyed a second time he had got a job as a pilot for the Irish army. It was just what he'd always wanted to do.
"What is that???" He said in awe. A giant brown bag was stretching up, level with his helicopter.
It was bulging enormously and muffled noises seemed to be coming from inside. He moved closer. The rotors caught on the bag and dug into it. 'SHIT!!" He exclaimed, pulling the helicopter away, but it was too late.
The bag exploded, showering the helicopter with rubbish and pieces of junk, and throwing a skyscraper, four houses, several vehicles and around fifty people to the ground.
Mary Sue landed on Artemis' lap, followed by Butler, who landed on her lap."
"Eeep." Said Mary Sue. "Eeep." Said Artemis as they fell off the cleaner and onto the ground as a shower of rubbish and human excretion rained down on them.
The cleaner began to spin round and round so fast it was a blur, blue sparks shot from the engine, it began to make odd popping noises, and then, with one last shower of sparks that set Mary Sue's hair on fire, it exploded.
"How is she, doctor!?" Asked Artemis, terror in his voice as he stood outside Mary Sue's private intensive care room.
"Well." droned the doctor."Broken bones, squashed guts, electrified. Now I've heard of rough sex, but honestly."
Artemis looked appalled. "DOCTOR! I AM ONLY SIXTEEN FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
"Hmmm." Droned the Doctor, seemingly unconvinced. Butler punched him in the face. The unfortunate doctor flew back into a wheelchair, which began to roll down the hallway. It slammed through a wooden door and the doctor screamed as the chair smashed through a steel hand railing and flew off a set of steps and down several stories.
"Oh, Shit." Said Artemis. "That reminds me. We forgot to lock the house when we left."
He pulled a PDA out of his pocket and tapped a few buttons. An image of Fowl manor appeared on the screen. "Lock." Said Artemis. Plates of steel slammed down over the house, completely encasing it. "Locked." Said the PDA.
"Butler", said Artemis, "did you ring the power company and tell them to shut off our power?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. And The Water company? The water pressure really pushed the leak open, it's as big as your fist now."
Butler looked at Artemis strangely. "Water company?"
Artemis gulped. "Locked house. Airtight. Hole the size of fist. Half An Hour's Drive Away."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Butler. "MAN YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA BE PISSED WHEN THEY GET BACK FROM SOUTHERN ITALY!!! THE HOUSE IS GONNA BE COMPLETELY FLOODED!!!!!!!!"
Artemis yanked out his PDA and began hurriedly pressing buttons. "Press 'A' to remove the metal casing from Fowl manor." Said the PDA.
Artemis reached for the A key.
The doctor grabbed the edge of the stair well as the wheelchair plummeted down below him. The Fowl kid was talking to his manservant. The doctor pulled himself up and flung open a huge walk in cupboard. Inside was a ride on carpet cleaning machine, glistening in the artificial light, a picture of a germ with a cross over it on the black plastic steering wheel.
The manservant was yelling now. The doctor mounted the carpet cleaner and twisted the ignition key. Artemis yanked out his PDA. 'Press A', claimed the computer. The doctor accelerated.
Artemis placed his finger on the A key and hesitated to breathe a sigh of relief. This could have been worse. Much worse.
Suddenly Butler screamed and tried to run away, but much like Shaggy and Scooby in the Scooby Doo cartoons, he was stuck to the spot for a few seconds, his legs flailing uselessly.
Artemis looked up. "Oh My God."
The carpet cleaner hit Artemis and Butler, throwing them up onto the bonnet. The machine groaned slightly as Butler landed, but kept going. The Doctor laughed manically as he ploughed toward the hospital beds.
Mary Sue sat up in bed and pulled the drips out of her mouth. She was feeling better. Re energised. She turned to smile at Artemis and screamed.
The cleaner hit her and bounced her up onto Artemis' lap. The Doctor continued to laugh evilly. "WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW, FOWL BOY!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Butler punched the doctor and he flew out of the cleaner seat, head first through a window, across the street, through a window in the building opposite, hit the floor and came skidding past a photographer and right between the legs of a model wearing the latest mini skirt. "Oooh." Said the doctor. "Frilly underpants."
The model screamed. The photographer snapped a few shots to sell to a local paper, and then screamed as well. "SECURITY!! SECURITY!! HELP, SECURITY!!!"
Unfortunately, her cry was so loud it not only brought a muscle bound man from the basement of the modelling agency to throw the doctor out the window, it also brought a team of heavily armed men running from the basement of the hospital.
The men aimed their guns at Butler (who was now driving the cleaner), Artemis and Mary Sue. "FREEZE!!!" Butler took his hands off the wheel and the cleaner slammed into a bed and stopped. Suddenly an itch developed on Mary Sue's nose. She longed to scratch it. She had to. She reached for it.
"SHE MOVED! FIRE!!!!" Bullets slammed into the side of the electric cleaner, breaking wires and shorting out the engine. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis, Butler and Mary Sue as the cleaner flew backwards at top speed. It slammed into the men, throwing them in different directions, and stopped dead. Then, without warning, the cleaner began to spin around and around, in a continual reverse three sixty.
"REGH!" Butler vomited, leaning forward a little. The grey-green mixture of what looked like half digested dog biscuits slammed into Mary Sue's face. The cleaner hit a table and a single huge, purple pill flew through the air, and into Butler's mouth.
"NOT MORE DRUGS!" Yelled Artemis. "WOOHOO!" Cried Butler. He stood up, unzipped his trousers, and took a piss.
"AAAAGHHHH!" Choked Mary Sue as the yellow liquid shot down her throat. "MMMAAAARRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSUUUUUUEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Screamed Artemis. He clambered toward her. The cleaner stopped rotating and shot forward at top speed. Butler continued to piss on the carpet.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT MUCH PISS IN YOU!" Screamed Artemis. Mary Sue just screamed. She lifted her hands off the cleaner to wipe her mouth, and it stopped.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Cried Mary Sue as the momentum from the cleaner threw her forward into a pile of empty boxes.
"Initiating heavy duty cleaning process." Said the cleaner. A large bag ballooned out the back and a vacuum pipe big enough to suck up a person ejected from the front.
The pipe span around madly, sucking up sheets from beds and the contents of bedpans. "Eeeew." Said Artemis. "That stinks."
The cleaner turned to face Mary Sue. The pipe reached toward her, its power ever increasing, and then. "AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!" She was sucked up the pipe and thrown into the bag. "MMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!" Cried Artemis. "GROSS!" Yelled Mary Sue from inside the bag. "WHAT IS THIS STUFF!" Suddenly she fell quiet for a minute, then said. "Wait, don't even tell me. I don't want to know."
Butler gulped and tapped Artemis, who was trying to rip the bag open, on the shoulder. Artemis turned and gasped.
The pipe had latched onto the wall, right next to a huge window.
The pipe sucked on the steel wall, and began to retract. The power was too great. The suction pulling the pipe toward the wall, the malfunctioning cleaner pulling it back. The suction won.
The retraction engine emitted a few sparks and the cleaner began to zoom toward the window, being pulled by the forces of the suction and the motor, sort of like a car winch.
"AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis and Butler. "EEEEEWWWWW!!!" Said Mary Sue. Then, with one last. "AAA!!" The cleaner burst through the window and fell down, slowed only by the pipe. Then the pipe broke off.
The cleaner hit the ground, the hole where the pipe used to be emitting a great howling noise as it sucked in everything in its range.
Four pedestrians, a dog, the dog's droppings and a bicycle zoomed into the hole.
"WE'VE GOT TO STOP IT OR IT'LL SUCK UP THE WHOLE WORLD!!!" Screamed Artemis as a footpath hotdog trolley was sucked in, causing the bag to bulge.
"I'LL STOP IT!!" Cried Butler as a small house was sucked in.
The courageous manservant leapt down onto the footpath in front of the cleaner. Artemis slammed his hand onto his forehead in exasperation as Butler was sucked into the cleaner.
"BUTLER!!" Screamed Artemis as a car was sucked in. "CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!"
"YHMEHMSHM!" Yelled Butler in a muffled voice. "OUCH!" Cried Mary Sue as a truck carrying angry bull cattle was sucked in.
"AMRMTMEMMISM!!!"" Said Butler. "MARY SUE.TRUCK.BROKEN BONES!!!"
"MMMMAAAAARRRRYYYY SSUUUUEEEE!!!!!" Cried Artemis as a sky scraper and two rubbish trucks were sucked in, causing the enormous bag to bulge even higher.
The bag was now taller than every other building in the whole country of Ireland. Any more and it would go out of the earth's atmosphere.
"This is Flight 737 requesting landing permission in an Apache helicopter." Said Bob Joe, who you may remember as a cake shop owner. After his cake shop had been destroyed a second time he had got a job as a pilot for the Irish army. It was just what he'd always wanted to do.
"What is that???" He said in awe. A giant brown bag was stretching up, level with his helicopter.
It was bulging enormously and muffled noises seemed to be coming from inside. He moved closer. The rotors caught on the bag and dug into it. 'SHIT!!" He exclaimed, pulling the helicopter away, but it was too late.
The bag exploded, showering the helicopter with rubbish and pieces of junk, and throwing a skyscraper, four houses, several vehicles and around fifty people to the ground.
Mary Sue landed on Artemis' lap, followed by Butler, who landed on her lap."
"Eeep." Said Mary Sue. "Eeep." Said Artemis as they fell off the cleaner and onto the ground as a shower of rubbish and human excretion rained down on them.
The cleaner began to spin round and round so fast it was a blur, blue sparks shot from the engine, it began to make odd popping noises, and then, with one last shower of sparks that set Mary Sue's hair on fire, it exploded.