LOOK
You are outside the Sanctuary of the Clans. It looks majestic in its
splendor, or some metaphor like that.
WHO AM I? You are Raziel, first-born of Kain's lieutenants. You have served Kain a millenium.
INVENTORY You have:
No tea;
A pair of wings you didn't have yesterday;
A tea-towel;
A Clan-leader's robe;
The Hitchhikers's Guide to Nosgoth;
Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer
DIAGNOSE You are in good health.
NORTH You walk to the gate of the Sanctuary.
NORTH You walk into the gate.
DIAGNOSE You have a sore nose
OPEN GATE Done.
NORTH You are in the Sanctuary of the Clans. This is a richly-decorated place, except for Melchiah's corner where dry-rot is starting to set in. Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab, Turel and Dumah are here. Kain's Throne, a small hammer and an analgesic tablet are here.
TAKE ALL
Small hammer: Taken
Analgesic tablet: Taken
Kain's Throne: You can not lift this object
Melchiah: You can't. At least, you can't in this fanfic.
Other brothers: I'm not going through them all. Suffice to say that this is not a smutfic, so Raziel won't be taking any of the others.
TALK TO TUREL You make small talk with Turel. Perhaps you should talk to him about a specific topic? Turel looks at you oddly. "Raziel? What's wrong with you today? And what are those things growing out of your back?"
TUREL, THOSE ARE MY WINGS "Wings? Is that why you called us here?! I'm missing ER right now, you know!"
TUREL, SHUT UP "Never!!!! I'll keep ranting, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!"
HIT TUREL WITH HAMMER Which hammer, the Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer or the small hammer? Turel looks at you oddly. "Hey, what was that about hammers, Raz?"
SMALL HAMMER Turel staggers away with a big, comical lump on his head.
SAVE Game saved.
TALK TO TUREL Turel is so annoyed at your attempt to talk to him after hitting him with a hammer that he rips off your wings and throws you into the Lake of the Dead. Sadly, as you didn't meet with Kain, you get chucked in sooner when the tide is out, and you expire messily at the bottom.
You have died. Rooms explored: 344213 Points: 680865432903286
RESTORE Game restored.
WAIT Time passes... After a few moments, Kain walks into the chamber and sits on his throne. Your brothers take their positions.
CONSULT GUIDE ON KAIN The Guide says: "Kain is an ancient, powerful, unpredictable Vampire. His likes are blood, blood, and more blood. His dislikes are humans, Time- Streamers, rebels and anarchists (when he's in power), rulers and monarchs (when he isn't), and Vampires that grow wings unexpectedly from their backs."
APPROACH KAIN Done. Kain looks at you oddly. "Raziel? There's something not quite right about you today...you haven't gotten your ears pierced, have you?"
KAIN, I HAVE GROWN WINGS Kain nods. "Right."
SMILE I don't understand that word.
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW A WORD LIKE SMILE? With great ease, apparently. On his throne, Kain slowly starts to frown, as if he's just worked something out.
DON'T PANIC Not done. Kain roars. "Raziel!!! You've turned the Legacy of Kain into a Text Adventure! How am I supposed to laugh evilly now?"
KAIN, DESCRIBE IT WITH WORDS? "That doesn't...hey, did you say WINGS?!" Kain leaps over you and rips the wings out of your back. He also pulls the floppy disk out of your computer, and ***ERROR AT LINE 6727398287. PROGRAM ABORTED. AIN'T THAT THE DARNDEST THING?***
Due to a strange quirk in the space-time continuum, we find ourselves a few minutes before Kain ripped off Raziel's wings. Eerie, eh?
Raziel: (VO) Kain is die...dee...a Vampire. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. Except Melchiah, but we don't talk about that. I am Raziel, and am much more handsome. Now, as I'm sure you're all interested in Darwin's little-known theory of Vampire evolution...
Raziel's fellow Vampires are all suddenly wielding nasty-looking swords, spears, axes, and other weapons.
Raziel: (VO) Er...long story short, Kain always got the cool powers before us, but this time, I got wings!
Kain: Aw, man, look at me! I'm all wrinkled and yukky! I wish it was still Blood Omen 1a...no, wait, that had Sitcoms and Dollmakers in it. Never mind. Anyway, Raziel, what can I do for you?
Raziel: Well, it's about these wings I've suddenly grown.
Kain: Wings?
Raziel: Yep. Cool, aren't they?
Kain: WINGS?!?!
Raziel: Er...are you OK?
Kain: WHY DO YOU HAVE WINGS?!?! I DON'T HAVE WINGS!!!
Raziel: Er...er...well, they're not very good anyway. You know, unless you want to fly...
Kain: I WANT TO FLY!!!
Raziel: Did I say fly..? I, er, I meant...to keep cool, like a big fan on your back. Kind of inconvenient, really.
Kain: I WANT TO KEEP COOL! THESE LEATHER PANTS ARE REALLY HOT!!!!
Raziel: Er...oh...well...
Kain: THAT'S IT!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Kain leaps onto Raziel, punches him in the face, and rips off his wings. Raziel falls to the floor, screaming in pain. Kain grabs the broken wing- spines and starts beating Raziel with them, screaming insanely. The other Vampires grab hold of Kain and pull him away. A moment later, Kain breaks free, kicks Raziel in the ribs, stomps in his crotch, then starts strangling him before the other Vampires manage to restrain him.
John Cleese: And now...the punchline!
Raziel: Good thing I didn't tell him about the tail...
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
The most unusual Vampiric power ever developed in Nosgoth's history belonged to one Ora Sivanne. He developed the power to shapeshift into a Vampiric rabbit. For one glorious night, he used his small size and cuteness to beguile humans and sup on their blood. Sadly, Ora never worked out how to shift back to his normal form, and was tragically killed a few nights later when he was crushed by a giant cauliflower.
***
Kain has led his Vampire sons, who are dragging Raziel, to the edge of the cliff that over looks the Lake of the Dead. They all look confused.
Kain: What the hell was that?
Turel: An important trivia message.
Kain: Er...right...
Raziel: Kain! I'm sorry! I'll never grow extra body parts overnight without your permission again!
Kain kicks Raziel in the ribs.
Melchiah: What now, boss?
Kain: Shut up, Melchiah.
Melchiah bursts into tears and runs off.
Dumah: Why'd you do that?
Kain: I'm executing Raziel after a thousand years of loyal service for something that isn't his fault. Why shouldn't I yell at Melchiah for no reason? Now, cast him in.
Kain listens to Raziel's screams, then bursts out laughing.
Kain: APRIL FOOL!!! Ha! Gotcha, didn't I? I never really wanted Raziel dead!
Turel: Very funny, Kain. I wish you'd told us two minutes before.
Kain: Why?
Zephon: Because that's when we chucked Raz in.
Kain: What..?
Kain speeds to the edge of the cliff.
Kain: NOOOOO! RAZIEL!!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!! Hang on, always wanted to do this...
Kain puts on a gold cloth top with a wierd insignia on it, then rips it down his chest.
Kain: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rahab: (sighs) Trekkie...
***
Meanwhile, and for the next thousand years or so, Raziel slowly disintegrates as he falls.
Raziel: (VO) Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of...
Bert: Hey, Raz!
Raziel: Huh? Who are you?
Bert: Oh, just another Vampire Kain chucked down here. You're not the first, ya know. Not by a long shot!
Raziel: You sound very cheerful for a guy sent to his agonized demise.
Bert: Well, after a few years, your pain receptors burn away, so you can't feel pain no more. When the pain's gone, it's quite a nice place to live. We've even set up a small village here, floating in the Abyss.
Raziel: Really?
Bert: Yeah, we based it on Steinchencroe.
Raziel: What?! Let me out of here!
Raziel dives further into the abyss, desperate to get away from the horrible smell. Bert snaps his fingers.
Bert: Not Steinchencroe! I meant Paradise! Hey Raz...oh well, too late.
Raziel dives so fast that he blacks out...
...
The scene opens on a dark, twisted realm that looks eerily like...an army medical unit of some kind? There are large tents and makeshift structures set up around the place, twisted demonic machines with large propellers are landing, and there is a set of loudspeakers there too. For some reason, an instrumental version of "Suicide is Painless" is playing in the background.
Loudspeakers: Attention all personnel! Despite all of our bravest and most desperate efforts, lunch will be served as usual!
Inside one of the biggest tents, demons in medical costumes are operating on various patients.
Hasheye: Scalpel.
Nurse: Scalpel, doctor.
Hasheye: Sponge.
Nurse: Sponge, doctor.
Hasheye: Date.
Nurse: Date, doctor?
Hasheye: I'd be honored. How about next Tuesday?
Crank: Why don't you keep your mind on the job, Piercer?
Hasheye: Why don't you leave some of our guys for the enemy to kill, Crank? Now then...hmmm, this jaw's shot, I'll have to amputate it. And this abdomen...most of the visceral organs...random bits of body mass...and I'd better disfigure the eyes too, just to be safe. OK, nurse, you can wake him up now.
The nurse wakes Raziel up and shows him a mirror.
Hasheye: Well now, how do we feel?
Raziel: WHAT THE expletive deleted HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!
Hasheye: Just doing my job. The boss wants to see you, over through that door.
Raziel gets up and goes through a nearby door, muttering furious mutterings about quacks. On the other side of the door is a huge cave occupied by what looks like a gigantic mutant squid from a 50s B-movie.
Elder God: I know you, Raziel.
Raziel: I must have been very drunk then! What is this pitiful form I have come to inhabit? I am destroyed!
Elder God: You are reborn. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I can not spin them in the wheel of fate. They can not complete their destinies.
Raziel: Er...right...OK..I have no idea what you're talking about, you know.
Elder God: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Kain.
Raziel: My dispute? You make it sound like he cheated in a game of chess!
Elder God: Destroy him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls - I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death.
Raziel: You sound like you need a bit of therapy, my tentacled friend. I mean, revenge on someone who killed you is one thing, but I've known you about one minute, and you've gone on and on about how much you hate Kain.
Elder God: He must be stopped.
Raziel: Perhaps you should talk to him, tell him you're unhappy, maybe come to an agreement...
Elder God: NO! I will not sacrifice Nosgoth! I have made too many compromises already, too many retreats! He invades our souls and we fall back. He Vampirises entire cities and we fall back. But not again. The line must be drawn HERE! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! And I will make him pay for what he's done!
Raziel: Thank you, Jean-Luc. Can I go now?
Elder God: Sure, right over there. But Raziel, a word of warning.
Raziel: Yes?
Elder God: Times have changed since Kain executed you. Your victims-to-be have all hidden themselves in huge sanctuaries, guarded by the most horrific defenses in Nosgoth.
Raziel: You mean....really powerful Vampires?
Elder God: No, Raziel, even worse. I mean...Block Puzzles!!!
There is a short pause.
Raziel: Block...Puzzles..?
Elder God: Yes.
Raziel: (laughing) Ha! Talk about pathetic! With no guards or traps, just stupid little puzzles to solve, this will be a walk in the park! I'll have probably killed the lot of them in a few hours! I confidently predict that I shall have no trouble at all with these Block Puzzles, and will not at any point be even the tiniest bit frustrated with them!
Raziel leaves. The Elder God starts to laugh.
Elder God: Oh Raziel, if only you knew...heh...heh heh...BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Raziel pokes his head back in the cave.
Raziel: Did you say something?
Elder God: Nothing at all. Go on and overcome these oh-so-easy Block Puzzles.
Raziel: Righty-ho!
Raziel marches off, unaware of the nightmares awaiting him, nightmares in Puzzle form...
WHO AM I? You are Raziel, first-born of Kain's lieutenants. You have served Kain a millenium.
INVENTORY You have:
No tea;
A pair of wings you didn't have yesterday;
A tea-towel;
A Clan-leader's robe;
The Hitchhikers's Guide to Nosgoth;
Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer
DIAGNOSE You are in good health.
NORTH You walk to the gate of the Sanctuary.
NORTH You walk into the gate.
DIAGNOSE You have a sore nose
OPEN GATE Done.
NORTH You are in the Sanctuary of the Clans. This is a richly-decorated place, except for Melchiah's corner where dry-rot is starting to set in. Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab, Turel and Dumah are here. Kain's Throne, a small hammer and an analgesic tablet are here.
TAKE ALL
Small hammer: Taken
Analgesic tablet: Taken
Kain's Throne: You can not lift this object
Melchiah: You can't. At least, you can't in this fanfic.
Other brothers: I'm not going through them all. Suffice to say that this is not a smutfic, so Raziel won't be taking any of the others.
TALK TO TUREL You make small talk with Turel. Perhaps you should talk to him about a specific topic? Turel looks at you oddly. "Raziel? What's wrong with you today? And what are those things growing out of your back?"
TUREL, THOSE ARE MY WINGS "Wings? Is that why you called us here?! I'm missing ER right now, you know!"
TUREL, SHUT UP "Never!!!! I'll keep ranting, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!"
HIT TUREL WITH HAMMER Which hammer, the Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer or the small hammer? Turel looks at you oddly. "Hey, what was that about hammers, Raz?"
SMALL HAMMER Turel staggers away with a big, comical lump on his head.
SAVE Game saved.
TALK TO TUREL Turel is so annoyed at your attempt to talk to him after hitting him with a hammer that he rips off your wings and throws you into the Lake of the Dead. Sadly, as you didn't meet with Kain, you get chucked in sooner when the tide is out, and you expire messily at the bottom.
You have died. Rooms explored: 344213 Points: 680865432903286
RESTORE Game restored.
WAIT Time passes... After a few moments, Kain walks into the chamber and sits on his throne. Your brothers take their positions.
CONSULT GUIDE ON KAIN The Guide says: "Kain is an ancient, powerful, unpredictable Vampire. His likes are blood, blood, and more blood. His dislikes are humans, Time- Streamers, rebels and anarchists (when he's in power), rulers and monarchs (when he isn't), and Vampires that grow wings unexpectedly from their backs."
APPROACH KAIN Done. Kain looks at you oddly. "Raziel? There's something not quite right about you today...you haven't gotten your ears pierced, have you?"
KAIN, I HAVE GROWN WINGS Kain nods. "Right."
SMILE I don't understand that word.
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW A WORD LIKE SMILE? With great ease, apparently. On his throne, Kain slowly starts to frown, as if he's just worked something out.
DON'T PANIC Not done. Kain roars. "Raziel!!! You've turned the Legacy of Kain into a Text Adventure! How am I supposed to laugh evilly now?"
KAIN, DESCRIBE IT WITH WORDS? "That doesn't...hey, did you say WINGS?!" Kain leaps over you and rips the wings out of your back. He also pulls the floppy disk out of your computer, and ***ERROR AT LINE 6727398287. PROGRAM ABORTED. AIN'T THAT THE DARNDEST THING?***
Due to a strange quirk in the space-time continuum, we find ourselves a few minutes before Kain ripped off Raziel's wings. Eerie, eh?
Raziel: (VO) Kain is die...dee...a Vampire. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. Except Melchiah, but we don't talk about that. I am Raziel, and am much more handsome. Now, as I'm sure you're all interested in Darwin's little-known theory of Vampire evolution...
Raziel's fellow Vampires are all suddenly wielding nasty-looking swords, spears, axes, and other weapons.
Raziel: (VO) Er...long story short, Kain always got the cool powers before us, but this time, I got wings!
Kain: Aw, man, look at me! I'm all wrinkled and yukky! I wish it was still Blood Omen 1a...no, wait, that had Sitcoms and Dollmakers in it. Never mind. Anyway, Raziel, what can I do for you?
Raziel: Well, it's about these wings I've suddenly grown.
Kain: Wings?
Raziel: Yep. Cool, aren't they?
Kain: WINGS?!?!
Raziel: Er...are you OK?
Kain: WHY DO YOU HAVE WINGS?!?! I DON'T HAVE WINGS!!!
Raziel: Er...er...well, they're not very good anyway. You know, unless you want to fly...
Kain: I WANT TO FLY!!!
Raziel: Did I say fly..? I, er, I meant...to keep cool, like a big fan on your back. Kind of inconvenient, really.
Kain: I WANT TO KEEP COOL! THESE LEATHER PANTS ARE REALLY HOT!!!!
Raziel: Er...oh...well...
Kain: THAT'S IT!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Kain leaps onto Raziel, punches him in the face, and rips off his wings. Raziel falls to the floor, screaming in pain. Kain grabs the broken wing- spines and starts beating Raziel with them, screaming insanely. The other Vampires grab hold of Kain and pull him away. A moment later, Kain breaks free, kicks Raziel in the ribs, stomps in his crotch, then starts strangling him before the other Vampires manage to restrain him.
John Cleese: And now...the punchline!
Raziel: Good thing I didn't tell him about the tail...
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
The most unusual Vampiric power ever developed in Nosgoth's history belonged to one Ora Sivanne. He developed the power to shapeshift into a Vampiric rabbit. For one glorious night, he used his small size and cuteness to beguile humans and sup on their blood. Sadly, Ora never worked out how to shift back to his normal form, and was tragically killed a few nights later when he was crushed by a giant cauliflower.
***
Kain has led his Vampire sons, who are dragging Raziel, to the edge of the cliff that over looks the Lake of the Dead. They all look confused.
Kain: What the hell was that?
Turel: An important trivia message.
Kain: Er...right...
Raziel: Kain! I'm sorry! I'll never grow extra body parts overnight without your permission again!
Kain kicks Raziel in the ribs.
Melchiah: What now, boss?
Kain: Shut up, Melchiah.
Melchiah bursts into tears and runs off.
Dumah: Why'd you do that?
Kain: I'm executing Raziel after a thousand years of loyal service for something that isn't his fault. Why shouldn't I yell at Melchiah for no reason? Now, cast him in.
Kain listens to Raziel's screams, then bursts out laughing.
Kain: APRIL FOOL!!! Ha! Gotcha, didn't I? I never really wanted Raziel dead!
Turel: Very funny, Kain. I wish you'd told us two minutes before.
Kain: Why?
Zephon: Because that's when we chucked Raz in.
Kain: What..?
Kain speeds to the edge of the cliff.
Kain: NOOOOO! RAZIEL!!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!! Hang on, always wanted to do this...
Kain puts on a gold cloth top with a wierd insignia on it, then rips it down his chest.
Kain: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rahab: (sighs) Trekkie...
***
Meanwhile, and for the next thousand years or so, Raziel slowly disintegrates as he falls.
Raziel: (VO) Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of...
Bert: Hey, Raz!
Raziel: Huh? Who are you?
Bert: Oh, just another Vampire Kain chucked down here. You're not the first, ya know. Not by a long shot!
Raziel: You sound very cheerful for a guy sent to his agonized demise.
Bert: Well, after a few years, your pain receptors burn away, so you can't feel pain no more. When the pain's gone, it's quite a nice place to live. We've even set up a small village here, floating in the Abyss.
Raziel: Really?
Bert: Yeah, we based it on Steinchencroe.
Raziel: What?! Let me out of here!
Raziel dives further into the abyss, desperate to get away from the horrible smell. Bert snaps his fingers.
Bert: Not Steinchencroe! I meant Paradise! Hey Raz...oh well, too late.
Raziel dives so fast that he blacks out...
...
The scene opens on a dark, twisted realm that looks eerily like...an army medical unit of some kind? There are large tents and makeshift structures set up around the place, twisted demonic machines with large propellers are landing, and there is a set of loudspeakers there too. For some reason, an instrumental version of "Suicide is Painless" is playing in the background.
Loudspeakers: Attention all personnel! Despite all of our bravest and most desperate efforts, lunch will be served as usual!
Inside one of the biggest tents, demons in medical costumes are operating on various patients.
Hasheye: Scalpel.
Nurse: Scalpel, doctor.
Hasheye: Sponge.
Nurse: Sponge, doctor.
Hasheye: Date.
Nurse: Date, doctor?
Hasheye: I'd be honored. How about next Tuesday?
Crank: Why don't you keep your mind on the job, Piercer?
Hasheye: Why don't you leave some of our guys for the enemy to kill, Crank? Now then...hmmm, this jaw's shot, I'll have to amputate it. And this abdomen...most of the visceral organs...random bits of body mass...and I'd better disfigure the eyes too, just to be safe. OK, nurse, you can wake him up now.
The nurse wakes Raziel up and shows him a mirror.
Hasheye: Well now, how do we feel?
Raziel: WHAT THE expletive deleted HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!
Hasheye: Just doing my job. The boss wants to see you, over through that door.
Raziel gets up and goes through a nearby door, muttering furious mutterings about quacks. On the other side of the door is a huge cave occupied by what looks like a gigantic mutant squid from a 50s B-movie.
Elder God: I know you, Raziel.
Raziel: I must have been very drunk then! What is this pitiful form I have come to inhabit? I am destroyed!
Elder God: You are reborn. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I can not spin them in the wheel of fate. They can not complete their destinies.
Raziel: Er...right...OK..I have no idea what you're talking about, you know.
Elder God: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Kain.
Raziel: My dispute? You make it sound like he cheated in a game of chess!
Elder God: Destroy him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls - I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death.
Raziel: You sound like you need a bit of therapy, my tentacled friend. I mean, revenge on someone who killed you is one thing, but I've known you about one minute, and you've gone on and on about how much you hate Kain.
Elder God: He must be stopped.
Raziel: Perhaps you should talk to him, tell him you're unhappy, maybe come to an agreement...
Elder God: NO! I will not sacrifice Nosgoth! I have made too many compromises already, too many retreats! He invades our souls and we fall back. He Vampirises entire cities and we fall back. But not again. The line must be drawn HERE! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! And I will make him pay for what he's done!
Raziel: Thank you, Jean-Luc. Can I go now?
Elder God: Sure, right over there. But Raziel, a word of warning.
Raziel: Yes?
Elder God: Times have changed since Kain executed you. Your victims-to-be have all hidden themselves in huge sanctuaries, guarded by the most horrific defenses in Nosgoth.
Raziel: You mean....really powerful Vampires?
Elder God: No, Raziel, even worse. I mean...Block Puzzles!!!
There is a short pause.
Raziel: Block...Puzzles..?
Elder God: Yes.
Raziel: (laughing) Ha! Talk about pathetic! With no guards or traps, just stupid little puzzles to solve, this will be a walk in the park! I'll have probably killed the lot of them in a few hours! I confidently predict that I shall have no trouble at all with these Block Puzzles, and will not at any point be even the tiniest bit frustrated with them!
Raziel leaves. The Elder God starts to laugh.
Elder God: Oh Raziel, if only you knew...heh...heh heh...BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Raziel pokes his head back in the cave.
Raziel: Did you say something?
Elder God: Nothing at all. Go on and overcome these oh-so-easy Block Puzzles.
Raziel: Righty-ho!
Raziel marches off, unaware of the nightmares awaiting him, nightmares in Puzzle form...