In the not-too-distant future, Next Sunday AD, There was this guy named
Joel, Not so different from you or me. He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another guy in a red jump suit, He did a great job cleaning up the
place, But his bosses really hate him, so they shot him into space...
We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find! He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Joel can't control when the fanfics begin or end Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends...
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT! GYPSY! TOM SERVO! CROOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes, and other science facts, Then repeat to yourself - "It's just a show" - you should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theatre 3000...
***
The scene is the Satellite of Love. Joel is standing around with a clipboard, while Gypsy, Tom and Crow are all listening eagerly to him.
Joel: ...and that's the real meaning of existence.
Tom: Of course! It's all so obvious!
Gypsy: Why didn't we realize it before?
Crow: I still don't get it.
Everyone except Crow groans.
Joel: I've explained it five times!
Crow: Yeah, and I was with you at the start, with the talk about the spirit and the need to reach beyond the material into the world beyond. But I still can't quite figure out how the underwear bit fits in.
Tom: But Crow, that was the cornerstone of the whole explanation! If you don't understand the underwear, then the raspberry jam is meaningless, and even the watermelons may as well not exist!
Crow: Watermelons? I thought that was just a metaphor!
Gypsy: No, you fool! The herd of rhinos was the metaphor! The watermelons were the counterpoint to the triple-balance of gravity, time, and the concept of packed lunch!
Joel: Look, Crow, it's all so simple! I mean, the only bit that's at all complicated is the bit about carpet shampoo, and you understood that, right?
Crow: Oh yeah, I got that.
The others all sigh in relief.
Crow: The shampoo provides the basis for the fabric of space/time, as well as lubricating the ethereal sponge cake, right?
The others scream in frustration.
Joel: NO! That's the opposite of the point I was trying to make! Cambot, hit him for me, will you?
The camera slams right into Crow. The screen bursts into static. Luckily, there was a commercial break on the way...
...one commercial break later, the crew of the Satellite of Love is facing a viewscreen, which displays Dr Forrester and Frank. For some reason, the evil duo is dressed in cling film. Joel, for his part, is carrying seventeen feather dusters tied together with duct tape.
Frank: We're back on the air.
Forrester: Well, congratulations, Joel. Thanks to your idiocy, your Cambot failed to show the world my latest evil invention to torture humanity with! And your lame little offering, but that's irrelevant.
Joel shrugs.
Forrester: I mean, without that footage we missed, all the people watching would think that you're on a spring cleaning kick, and I'm a moron that has some kind of perverted cooking fetish!
Crow: There's an image we could live without!
Forrester: Fine, onto today's little offering. Today, you'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic. Tell them, Frank.
Frank: It's true. You'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic.
Pause.
Forrester: No, you moron! Tell them the rest, before I'm forced to hurt you. Again!
Frank: Sorry, sorry! Er, you'll be watching...or should that be reading?
Forrester: Frank!
Frank: (quickly) Whatever it is, you'll be doing it to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a by Crystarr, part of the Legacy of Kain-a series which is famous for its pointless digressions, shameless crossover ripoffs, and an utter lack of making sense. Enjoy!
The viewscreen blinks off.
Tom: Sounds like children's TV nowadays.
Sirens go off, and lights flash.
Joel: We've got fanfic sign!
= Door 6 - a metal sliding door slides to the right =
= Door 5 - a stone door opens slowly =
=Door 4 - A metallic-looking door starts to fragment and disappear into the wall...but it gets stuck. Half a year passes while an engineer is awaited to fix the damn thing... =
=And there are a bunch of other doors too. =
The scene is now the theatre. We see the silhouettes of Tom, Crow and Joel sit down in front of the screen.
Tom: Were there less doors than usual?
Crow: Who cares? I'm just glad that engineer turned up.
Joel: Yeah, maybe he can fix our fax machine next...
Welcome to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a - Of Trivia and Block Puzzles.
Crow: An inspired start to what promises to be a crappy fanfic.
Raziel walks out of the Elder God's chamber, then wobbles on his feet.
Elder God: You are weak. You must feed.
Crow: The gerbils, they've been left in the school all summer!
Raziel: The old hunger has left me. I have no desire for blood.
Joel: Pop-tarts, though...
Elder God: You are changed. Your blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need.
Tom: Sex!
Crow: Clean underpants!
Joel: TV!
Elder God: You have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.
Joel: Oh, of course! Silly us!
Raziel consumes some souls from a convenient soul...giving...machine...thingy...
Tom: Thingy?
Crow: Ah, so this is that lack-of-making-sense that we heard about.
Tom: Well, it was starting to look like the author was just copying from the dialogue, so I guess it's a good thing.
and carries on out of the cave system. He arrives outside to a desolate area, full of cliffs, ruins, and bed and breakfasts.
Raziel walks on until his path is blocked by a huge gap in the road.
Joel: Raziel goes for the grappling hook on his utility belt, then remembers that he's not Batman!
Raziel: Fudgesticles.
All three watchers burst out laughing.
Raziel: An inconvenient blockade! Well, no worries. I'll just use my wings to...wait, Kain tore off my wings. DAMN YOU KAIN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AGAIN!
All: Kain, you maniac! You blew it all up! Damn you! Damn you to hell!!!!
Elder God: Your wings,
Tom: Where is he? I can't see him!
Joel: Is he related to the Magic Voice?
though ruined, are not without purpose.
Crow: They now write excellent opera.
Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.
Raziel tears off what remains of his wings, grabs hold of them, and jumps. He falls to a messy heap at the bottom of the canyon.
Crow: The End. Let's go!
Three hours later, Raziel, with his wings stapled back onto his back, sheepishly jumps over the cliff and uses the wings properly to float to the other side.
Tom: Sheepishly? I've never seen a sheep go gliding on a pair of ruined wings before!
Raziel walks a little further.
Joel: This reminds me of a parody of a Limp Bizkit song - Strolling!
Crow: Gotta be better than the original song...
Tom: Thrill your pants off as Raziel travels around the ruined wasteland! Gasp in amazement as he climbs mountains! Scream in orgasmic delight as he walks from place to place!
He spies a couple of transparent creatures feeding on souls.
Raziel: What scabrous wretches are these?
Tom: TV censors.
Elder God: Sluagh,
Joel: Bless you!
the scavengers of the Underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.
Tom: Sounds like TV censors to me!
Raziel: Odd, they seem to resemble TV censors of some kind...
Tom: ...
Crow: Great minds think alike! So I guess dull minds do too!
Tom: Shut up, Crow! This Raziel is obviously some sort of genius!
For no apparent reason, Raziel slips and falls flat on his face.
Crow: Of course he is...
Unknown to him, the Sluagh communicate via pratfall, and falling flat on your face is Sluaghian for "There's an ice-cream van on the other side of the canyon!". The Sluagh quickly run to find it.
Joel: Eh?
Tom: That was weird!
And so, Raziel travels on, discovering things such as Material Plane Portals, and how to sustain a physical body.
Crow: And so, the author side-steps having to write an extra page or so.
Tom: Lazy little...
In the Material Plane, Raziel encounters strange, de-evolved creatures feasting on a human.
Raziel: And I thought that I was ugly! What are these creatures?
Elder God: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.
Joel: We don't want to know what the mother was, then!
Crow: Dumah must have been very drunk that night...
Raziel: That's impossible! These foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood!
Tom: Pot, kettle, black.
Elder God: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.
Joel: And now we've entered the Lord of the Rings!
Adverts breaks have flourished, strawberry ice-cream is almost impossible to find, and the central heating systems all have that annoying noise you can never fix increased to unbearable levels!
Raziel: No strawberry ice-cream! I'll kill those Vampires!!!
Raziel leaps down to confront the degenerate Vampires.
Raziel: (VO) I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself. Physical wounds are fleeting.
Tom: Wedgies are eternal.
A vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampires need only fear those wounds that impale, or inflame. Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.
Joel: So, you're invincible against swords, guns, and broken bottles, but you're dead meat against a guy armed with a kettle?
Tom: Seems to me that being a Vampire would kind of suck!
Crow: It does, doesn't it?
Tom: No, I said being a Vampire would suck!
Joel: We heard.
Tom: Don't you get it?
Crow: Get what?
Tom: Fine, forget it!
Raziel easily kills the two Vampires, drains their souls, and checks their wallets. He then approaches a wall with an exit too high for him to reach. He sees a large stone block nearby, and moves it to use to reach the opening.
Raziel: Ha! That was easy! Like I said, I'll have no problems with Block Puzzles!
Crow: It's the jigsaws I'm worried about!
Raziel carries on, until he reaches the ruins of the Sanctuary of the Clans.
Raziel: (VO) My God...the Sanctuary of the Clans, reduced to ruin! And the wallpaper was all peeled off! Beyond these walls lay the Pillars of Nosgoth, the seat of Kain's empire, and a cake shop I was really fond of. How humble it now appeared, collapsing into the dust of its former magnificence. And yet I had only just emerged...in the instant between my execution and resurrection, centuries had apparently passed! I'll bet the cakes have all gone off...
The ground shakes, nearly flooring Raziel.
Elder God: This world is wracked with cataclysms - the earth strains to shrug off the pestilence of Kain's parasitic empire. The fate of this world was preordained in an instant, by a solitary man. Unwilling to martyr himself to restore Nosgoth's balance, Kain condemned the world to the decay you see. In that moment, the unraveling began... now it is nearly played out. Nosgoth teeters on the brink of collapse - its fragile balance cannot hold.
Raziel: What?
Joel: Eh?
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Err...
Raziel: I don't have a clue what you're talking about!
Elder God: Didn't you take Temporal Decay Physics 101?
Raziel: Yes, but I spent all the lessons trying to work out ways to score with this hot Vampire chick sitting in front of me.
Elder God: Disgusting.
Raziel: Yeah...turns out she was into Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Crow: Into Buffy? So finally, we get to see a bit of girl-on-g...
Joel: Spare us, Crow.
Crow: Awww...
Raziel: (VO) Though much of Nosgoth's landscape had changed, these cliffs gave me my bearings. My clan territory was to the west - I was anxious to see how my descendants had fared during the centuries of my absence.
Tom: It turned out that his Clan had all became Shoe Salesmen for Adidas. Raziel was so horrified by the sell-out that he jumped into the Abyss. A thousand years later, the grisly scene would re-enact itself again...and again...and again...
Joel: Welcome to...the Twilight Zone.
All: Doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo...
Raziel reaches his Clan territory. It is as deserted as a city centre twenty minutes into a post-apocalyptic sci-fi film.
Raziel: (VO) Utter desolation. My once-proud kin, wiped from this world like excrement from a boot. I knew the hand that wrought this deed.
Joel: Eeeewww! Use some toilet paper to wipe it, not your hand!
Raziel ventures into the Clan Territory of Melchiah. He sees disgusting creatures tear humans apart, a graveyard doubling as a breeding ground, and the vending machines are charging really high prices.
Raziel: (VO) This charnel house bore the unmistakable marks of Melchiah's clan. To what depths had our dynasty plummeted, if these ghouls were the descendants of my high-born brother? And where was his hidden stash of strawberry ice-cream? Were they so debased as to recruit fledglings from the desiccated corpses here interred? The Vampires, not the ice-cream, I mean. My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift, and most of his clothes were hand-me-downs. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained much of its previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay. And the vending machines were out of strawberry ice-cream.
Tom: Enough with the ice-cream!
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
On average, Vampires don't eat cheese, unless they are fans of Wallace and Gromit.
***
Crow: What the hell...?
Tom: My head hurts...
Joel: I think mine's going to explode too...and I'm not a robot!
Raziel enters Melchiah's stronghold. Inside, he encounters stone Block Puzzles...and metal Block Puzzles...and soil Block Puzzles...and plantlike Block Puzzles...and more stone Block Puzzles...
Joel: ALL RIGHT!!!! WE GET THE POINT!!!
Tom: No wonder Raziel went insane!
...and even more stone Block Puzzles...
All: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
...until finally, he found the main chamber...
All: Phew!
...where more Block Puzzles awaited him.
All: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel: So...many...blocks...but...b-but I conquered them! Ha! It was horrible, but I got past them! Now that we've seen that they can't stop me, I'm sure that no one else will try to stop me with Block Puzzles! Yep, I've seen the last of them!
Tom: If there's a god, you have...
Suddenly, a huge monstrosity made its presence known.
Raziel: Show yourself, creature!
Melchiah: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?
Crow: It's me, Hulk Hogan, brother!
Tom: The receding hairline gave way to something even more ugly, brother!
Joel: Stop saying the word "brother", brother!
Raziel: Melchiah?
Tom: Geez, he made that leap pretty fast! I mean, the last time he saw Melchiah, Melchiah looked human!
Crow: Melchiah called him brother, remember?
Tom: Yeah, but he does have a bunch of other brothers.
Joel: But they don't hang around Melchiah's Clan Territory.
Tom: Er...shut up, that's why!
Melchiah: Yes, brother.
Crow: It's me, brother!
Joel: No more wrestling jokes! It's painful!
You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.
Raziel: Yeah, what happened to all the brothels? I really needed some stress relief! And speaking of things missing, what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.
Tom: At least he still has lips, Raz!
Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?
Raziel: Enough riddles - what are you saying?!
Melchiah: I'm saying...no, you can't have my strawberry ice-cream.
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Crow: What is this strawberry ice-cream thing? I thought Vampires only hungered for blood!
Raziel beats up Melchiah, ties him up like a turkey, and stuffs him in a convenient cage.
Raziel: Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?
Melchiah: MMMMMPH!!!
Raziel undoes the gag.
Tom: A lot of gags have come undone in this fic, along with the jokes, puns and humour!
Melchiah: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when he sees fit - not when commanded. And he never pays back any money you lend him! He still owes me for a new car!
Raziel pulls the switch that causes a huge grinder to plough into Melchiah.
Joel: Which begs the question of why Melciah would install a huge grinder in his private chambers in the first place.
Melchiah: I am released...NNNYYYYAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!! Who'd have thought being ground to a paste would be so painful...?
Raziel consumes Melchiah's soul.
Elder God: You have done well, Raziel.
Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?
Crow: An insecticide?
Elder God: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has endowed you with a new gift. Insubstantial barriers such as metal bars...
Crow: Or barriers like having a wrecked, stupid-looking body...
Raziel: Oh, I am so sick of this!
There is a pause.
Tom: Er, what's he sick of?
Raziel: Those annoying comments you've been making all chapter!!!
Crow: Who's he talking to?
Raziel: Who do you think, you stupid golden beak-brain?! And you call me stupid-looking?
Joel: Er...this is getting a bit disturbing.
Raziel: You think that's disturbing? I'LL SHOW YOU DISTURBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel bursts through the theatre screen and starts attacking Joel and the bots.
Raziel: And this is for comparing me to Hulk Hogan!
Tom: We didn't! We compared Melchiah to him!
Raziel: I DON'T CARE!!!
***
Meanwhile, far away, Dr Forrester and Frank were relaxing by the fire.
Forrester: Ah, hear those screams coming from the Satellite, Frank?
Frank: No. Sound doesn't travel in space.
Forrester: Well, I can. Such joy. I truly am the most evil being in existence.
A clawed hand grabs Forrester on the shoulder.
Kain: So, another pretender to the throne?
Forrester: Er...errrr...no, noooooooo! Frank, help me!!!
Frank is too busy running for his life.
Kain: So, you're some kind of scientist, are you? Then perhaps you'll help me with my biology. What does this body part do?
Forrester: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so ends another delightful, family-friendly, child-suitable episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Please note that no humans, Vampires or robots were harmed during the making of this fanfic. Although someone will be harmed if I don't get my strawberry ice-cream soon...
We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find! He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Joel can't control when the fanfics begin or end Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends...
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT! GYPSY! TOM SERVO! CROOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes, and other science facts, Then repeat to yourself - "It's just a show" - you should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theatre 3000...
***
The scene is the Satellite of Love. Joel is standing around with a clipboard, while Gypsy, Tom and Crow are all listening eagerly to him.
Joel: ...and that's the real meaning of existence.
Tom: Of course! It's all so obvious!
Gypsy: Why didn't we realize it before?
Crow: I still don't get it.
Everyone except Crow groans.
Joel: I've explained it five times!
Crow: Yeah, and I was with you at the start, with the talk about the spirit and the need to reach beyond the material into the world beyond. But I still can't quite figure out how the underwear bit fits in.
Tom: But Crow, that was the cornerstone of the whole explanation! If you don't understand the underwear, then the raspberry jam is meaningless, and even the watermelons may as well not exist!
Crow: Watermelons? I thought that was just a metaphor!
Gypsy: No, you fool! The herd of rhinos was the metaphor! The watermelons were the counterpoint to the triple-balance of gravity, time, and the concept of packed lunch!
Joel: Look, Crow, it's all so simple! I mean, the only bit that's at all complicated is the bit about carpet shampoo, and you understood that, right?
Crow: Oh yeah, I got that.
The others all sigh in relief.
Crow: The shampoo provides the basis for the fabric of space/time, as well as lubricating the ethereal sponge cake, right?
The others scream in frustration.
Joel: NO! That's the opposite of the point I was trying to make! Cambot, hit him for me, will you?
The camera slams right into Crow. The screen bursts into static. Luckily, there was a commercial break on the way...
...one commercial break later, the crew of the Satellite of Love is facing a viewscreen, which displays Dr Forrester and Frank. For some reason, the evil duo is dressed in cling film. Joel, for his part, is carrying seventeen feather dusters tied together with duct tape.
Frank: We're back on the air.
Forrester: Well, congratulations, Joel. Thanks to your idiocy, your Cambot failed to show the world my latest evil invention to torture humanity with! And your lame little offering, but that's irrelevant.
Joel shrugs.
Forrester: I mean, without that footage we missed, all the people watching would think that you're on a spring cleaning kick, and I'm a moron that has some kind of perverted cooking fetish!
Crow: There's an image we could live without!
Forrester: Fine, onto today's little offering. Today, you'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic. Tell them, Frank.
Frank: It's true. You'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic.
Pause.
Forrester: No, you moron! Tell them the rest, before I'm forced to hurt you. Again!
Frank: Sorry, sorry! Er, you'll be watching...or should that be reading?
Forrester: Frank!
Frank: (quickly) Whatever it is, you'll be doing it to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a by Crystarr, part of the Legacy of Kain-a series which is famous for its pointless digressions, shameless crossover ripoffs, and an utter lack of making sense. Enjoy!
The viewscreen blinks off.
Tom: Sounds like children's TV nowadays.
Sirens go off, and lights flash.
Joel: We've got fanfic sign!
= Door 6 - a metal sliding door slides to the right =
= Door 5 - a stone door opens slowly =
=Door 4 - A metallic-looking door starts to fragment and disappear into the wall...but it gets stuck. Half a year passes while an engineer is awaited to fix the damn thing... =
=And there are a bunch of other doors too. =
The scene is now the theatre. We see the silhouettes of Tom, Crow and Joel sit down in front of the screen.
Tom: Were there less doors than usual?
Crow: Who cares? I'm just glad that engineer turned up.
Joel: Yeah, maybe he can fix our fax machine next...
Welcome to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a - Of Trivia and Block Puzzles.
Crow: An inspired start to what promises to be a crappy fanfic.
Raziel walks out of the Elder God's chamber, then wobbles on his feet.
Elder God: You are weak. You must feed.
Crow: The gerbils, they've been left in the school all summer!
Raziel: The old hunger has left me. I have no desire for blood.
Joel: Pop-tarts, though...
Elder God: You are changed. Your blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need.
Tom: Sex!
Crow: Clean underpants!
Joel: TV!
Elder God: You have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.
Joel: Oh, of course! Silly us!
Raziel consumes some souls from a convenient soul...giving...machine...thingy...
Tom: Thingy?
Crow: Ah, so this is that lack-of-making-sense that we heard about.
Tom: Well, it was starting to look like the author was just copying from the dialogue, so I guess it's a good thing.
and carries on out of the cave system. He arrives outside to a desolate area, full of cliffs, ruins, and bed and breakfasts.
Raziel walks on until his path is blocked by a huge gap in the road.
Joel: Raziel goes for the grappling hook on his utility belt, then remembers that he's not Batman!
Raziel: Fudgesticles.
All three watchers burst out laughing.
Raziel: An inconvenient blockade! Well, no worries. I'll just use my wings to...wait, Kain tore off my wings. DAMN YOU KAIN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AGAIN!
All: Kain, you maniac! You blew it all up! Damn you! Damn you to hell!!!!
Elder God: Your wings,
Tom: Where is he? I can't see him!
Joel: Is he related to the Magic Voice?
though ruined, are not without purpose.
Crow: They now write excellent opera.
Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.
Raziel tears off what remains of his wings, grabs hold of them, and jumps. He falls to a messy heap at the bottom of the canyon.
Crow: The End. Let's go!
Three hours later, Raziel, with his wings stapled back onto his back, sheepishly jumps over the cliff and uses the wings properly to float to the other side.
Tom: Sheepishly? I've never seen a sheep go gliding on a pair of ruined wings before!
Raziel walks a little further.
Joel: This reminds me of a parody of a Limp Bizkit song - Strolling!
Crow: Gotta be better than the original song...
Tom: Thrill your pants off as Raziel travels around the ruined wasteland! Gasp in amazement as he climbs mountains! Scream in orgasmic delight as he walks from place to place!
He spies a couple of transparent creatures feeding on souls.
Raziel: What scabrous wretches are these?
Tom: TV censors.
Elder God: Sluagh,
Joel: Bless you!
the scavengers of the Underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.
Tom: Sounds like TV censors to me!
Raziel: Odd, they seem to resemble TV censors of some kind...
Tom: ...
Crow: Great minds think alike! So I guess dull minds do too!
Tom: Shut up, Crow! This Raziel is obviously some sort of genius!
For no apparent reason, Raziel slips and falls flat on his face.
Crow: Of course he is...
Unknown to him, the Sluagh communicate via pratfall, and falling flat on your face is Sluaghian for "There's an ice-cream van on the other side of the canyon!". The Sluagh quickly run to find it.
Joel: Eh?
Tom: That was weird!
And so, Raziel travels on, discovering things such as Material Plane Portals, and how to sustain a physical body.
Crow: And so, the author side-steps having to write an extra page or so.
Tom: Lazy little...
In the Material Plane, Raziel encounters strange, de-evolved creatures feasting on a human.
Raziel: And I thought that I was ugly! What are these creatures?
Elder God: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.
Joel: We don't want to know what the mother was, then!
Crow: Dumah must have been very drunk that night...
Raziel: That's impossible! These foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood!
Tom: Pot, kettle, black.
Elder God: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.
Joel: And now we've entered the Lord of the Rings!
Adverts breaks have flourished, strawberry ice-cream is almost impossible to find, and the central heating systems all have that annoying noise you can never fix increased to unbearable levels!
Raziel: No strawberry ice-cream! I'll kill those Vampires!!!
Raziel leaps down to confront the degenerate Vampires.
Raziel: (VO) I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself. Physical wounds are fleeting.
Tom: Wedgies are eternal.
A vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampires need only fear those wounds that impale, or inflame. Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.
Joel: So, you're invincible against swords, guns, and broken bottles, but you're dead meat against a guy armed with a kettle?
Tom: Seems to me that being a Vampire would kind of suck!
Crow: It does, doesn't it?
Tom: No, I said being a Vampire would suck!
Joel: We heard.
Tom: Don't you get it?
Crow: Get what?
Tom: Fine, forget it!
Raziel easily kills the two Vampires, drains their souls, and checks their wallets. He then approaches a wall with an exit too high for him to reach. He sees a large stone block nearby, and moves it to use to reach the opening.
Raziel: Ha! That was easy! Like I said, I'll have no problems with Block Puzzles!
Crow: It's the jigsaws I'm worried about!
Raziel carries on, until he reaches the ruins of the Sanctuary of the Clans.
Raziel: (VO) My God...the Sanctuary of the Clans, reduced to ruin! And the wallpaper was all peeled off! Beyond these walls lay the Pillars of Nosgoth, the seat of Kain's empire, and a cake shop I was really fond of. How humble it now appeared, collapsing into the dust of its former magnificence. And yet I had only just emerged...in the instant between my execution and resurrection, centuries had apparently passed! I'll bet the cakes have all gone off...
The ground shakes, nearly flooring Raziel.
Elder God: This world is wracked with cataclysms - the earth strains to shrug off the pestilence of Kain's parasitic empire. The fate of this world was preordained in an instant, by a solitary man. Unwilling to martyr himself to restore Nosgoth's balance, Kain condemned the world to the decay you see. In that moment, the unraveling began... now it is nearly played out. Nosgoth teeters on the brink of collapse - its fragile balance cannot hold.
Raziel: What?
Joel: Eh?
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Err...
Raziel: I don't have a clue what you're talking about!
Elder God: Didn't you take Temporal Decay Physics 101?
Raziel: Yes, but I spent all the lessons trying to work out ways to score with this hot Vampire chick sitting in front of me.
Elder God: Disgusting.
Raziel: Yeah...turns out she was into Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Crow: Into Buffy? So finally, we get to see a bit of girl-on-g...
Joel: Spare us, Crow.
Crow: Awww...
Raziel: (VO) Though much of Nosgoth's landscape had changed, these cliffs gave me my bearings. My clan territory was to the west - I was anxious to see how my descendants had fared during the centuries of my absence.
Tom: It turned out that his Clan had all became Shoe Salesmen for Adidas. Raziel was so horrified by the sell-out that he jumped into the Abyss. A thousand years later, the grisly scene would re-enact itself again...and again...and again...
Joel: Welcome to...the Twilight Zone.
All: Doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo...
Raziel reaches his Clan territory. It is as deserted as a city centre twenty minutes into a post-apocalyptic sci-fi film.
Raziel: (VO) Utter desolation. My once-proud kin, wiped from this world like excrement from a boot. I knew the hand that wrought this deed.
Joel: Eeeewww! Use some toilet paper to wipe it, not your hand!
Raziel ventures into the Clan Territory of Melchiah. He sees disgusting creatures tear humans apart, a graveyard doubling as a breeding ground, and the vending machines are charging really high prices.
Raziel: (VO) This charnel house bore the unmistakable marks of Melchiah's clan. To what depths had our dynasty plummeted, if these ghouls were the descendants of my high-born brother? And where was his hidden stash of strawberry ice-cream? Were they so debased as to recruit fledglings from the desiccated corpses here interred? The Vampires, not the ice-cream, I mean. My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift, and most of his clothes were hand-me-downs. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained much of its previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay. And the vending machines were out of strawberry ice-cream.
Tom: Enough with the ice-cream!
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
On average, Vampires don't eat cheese, unless they are fans of Wallace and Gromit.
***
Crow: What the hell...?
Tom: My head hurts...
Joel: I think mine's going to explode too...and I'm not a robot!
Raziel enters Melchiah's stronghold. Inside, he encounters stone Block Puzzles...and metal Block Puzzles...and soil Block Puzzles...and plantlike Block Puzzles...and more stone Block Puzzles...
Joel: ALL RIGHT!!!! WE GET THE POINT!!!
Tom: No wonder Raziel went insane!
...and even more stone Block Puzzles...
All: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
...until finally, he found the main chamber...
All: Phew!
...where more Block Puzzles awaited him.
All: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel: So...many...blocks...but...b-but I conquered them! Ha! It was horrible, but I got past them! Now that we've seen that they can't stop me, I'm sure that no one else will try to stop me with Block Puzzles! Yep, I've seen the last of them!
Tom: If there's a god, you have...
Suddenly, a huge monstrosity made its presence known.
Raziel: Show yourself, creature!
Melchiah: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?
Crow: It's me, Hulk Hogan, brother!
Tom: The receding hairline gave way to something even more ugly, brother!
Joel: Stop saying the word "brother", brother!
Raziel: Melchiah?
Tom: Geez, he made that leap pretty fast! I mean, the last time he saw Melchiah, Melchiah looked human!
Crow: Melchiah called him brother, remember?
Tom: Yeah, but he does have a bunch of other brothers.
Joel: But they don't hang around Melchiah's Clan Territory.
Tom: Er...shut up, that's why!
Melchiah: Yes, brother.
Crow: It's me, brother!
Joel: No more wrestling jokes! It's painful!
You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.
Raziel: Yeah, what happened to all the brothels? I really needed some stress relief! And speaking of things missing, what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.
Tom: At least he still has lips, Raz!
Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?
Raziel: Enough riddles - what are you saying?!
Melchiah: I'm saying...no, you can't have my strawberry ice-cream.
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Crow: What is this strawberry ice-cream thing? I thought Vampires only hungered for blood!
Raziel beats up Melchiah, ties him up like a turkey, and stuffs him in a convenient cage.
Raziel: Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?
Melchiah: MMMMMPH!!!
Raziel undoes the gag.
Tom: A lot of gags have come undone in this fic, along with the jokes, puns and humour!
Melchiah: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when he sees fit - not when commanded. And he never pays back any money you lend him! He still owes me for a new car!
Raziel pulls the switch that causes a huge grinder to plough into Melchiah.
Joel: Which begs the question of why Melciah would install a huge grinder in his private chambers in the first place.
Melchiah: I am released...NNNYYYYAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!! Who'd have thought being ground to a paste would be so painful...?
Raziel consumes Melchiah's soul.
Elder God: You have done well, Raziel.
Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?
Crow: An insecticide?
Elder God: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has endowed you with a new gift. Insubstantial barriers such as metal bars...
Crow: Or barriers like having a wrecked, stupid-looking body...
Raziel: Oh, I am so sick of this!
There is a pause.
Tom: Er, what's he sick of?
Raziel: Those annoying comments you've been making all chapter!!!
Crow: Who's he talking to?
Raziel: Who do you think, you stupid golden beak-brain?! And you call me stupid-looking?
Joel: Er...this is getting a bit disturbing.
Raziel: You think that's disturbing? I'LL SHOW YOU DISTURBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel bursts through the theatre screen and starts attacking Joel and the bots.
Raziel: And this is for comparing me to Hulk Hogan!
Tom: We didn't! We compared Melchiah to him!
Raziel: I DON'T CARE!!!
***
Meanwhile, far away, Dr Forrester and Frank were relaxing by the fire.
Forrester: Ah, hear those screams coming from the Satellite, Frank?
Frank: No. Sound doesn't travel in space.
Forrester: Well, I can. Such joy. I truly am the most evil being in existence.
A clawed hand grabs Forrester on the shoulder.
Kain: So, another pretender to the throne?
Forrester: Er...errrr...no, noooooooo! Frank, help me!!!
Frank is too busy running for his life.
Kain: So, you're some kind of scientist, are you? Then perhaps you'll help me with my biology. What does this body part do?
Forrester: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so ends another delightful, family-friendly, child-suitable episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Please note that no humans, Vampires or robots were harmed during the making of this fanfic. Although someone will be harmed if I don't get my strawberry ice-cream soon...