Pointless Fanfic Productions present...
A Crystarr A-series Fanfic...
SOUL REAVER 1A - OF TRIVIA AND BLOCK PUZZLES
Starring...
Christopher Lee as Kain
A CGI-created character as Raziel
Milla Jovovich as Ariel
A lot of tires and hose pipe as the Elder God
Pierce Bronsan as Vampire hiding behind Nature Pillar
Winona Ryder, Christopher Lambert, Angelina Jolie and the Undertaker
and Abraham Lincoln as himself.
Music by the Cruxshadows (will not appear in this fic, but is rather good, so check it out anyway!).
Directed by some guy with no life.
(note that above details are subject to change, except the last one)
Raziel enters the chamber. The Pillars of Nosgoth are here, in worse shape than the continuity of the Highlander films. Kain is also here, looking exactly the same as he did a thousand years ago. Guess he got bored of evolving. Raziel strides in, in...er...about the same shape as the Highlander continuity thingy.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Are we going to just say each other's names a lot?
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: The Abyss has been unkind. I trust that you're not still sore about me ordering your agonising death and all, are you?
Raziel: What did you do to my clan, you bastard? You had no right!
Kain: What I make, I can also destroy.
Raziel: DAMN YOU KAIN!!! You are not the deity of any major religion, and no minor ones (unless you count LoK fans)! This act of genocide is uncons...unconk...unfair!
Kain: Oh, really? Your life's span is but a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since this stupid parody of the series started!
Raziel: You think you've got it bad? You're not the one that had to go through Melchiah's Block Puzzles! I'm just glad that I can kill you here and never have to face another block-shaped puzzle again!
Kain: The Puzzles are a testament to the decay of Nosgoth. This place has outlived its fandom...as have you.
Raziel: You think so?
Kain: No, but it was a cool line.
Kain draws the Soul Reaver.
Raziel: The Soul reaver. Kain's ancient blade, older than any of...
Kain: I know what it is! It's my weapon, after all!
Raziel: Huh? Oh, sorry, forgot to mark that as a voice over.
Kain swings the Reaver. It cuts of Raziel's hand. As Raziel screams, Kain throws him into a Pillar on the other side of the room. Raziel clings painfully to the pillar, desperately trying not to fade into the Spectral Realm.
Kain: Don't make me destroy you...
Raziel: You are a monster! Owie, owie...
Kain: The Elder God never told you the link that you and I have, did he?
Raziel: He told me enough! He told me you killed me!
Kain: No, Raziel. I...am your father!
Pause.
Raziel: No...that's not true! That's impossible!!!
Kain: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kain: Come with me, and together we'll rule Nosgoth as father and son! Again.
Raziel whimpers, then slips into the Spectral Realm.
Kain: Raziel...
The Soul Reaver suddenly explodes, for no adequately explored reason.
Kain: What the..? Hmmm, should have expected that. Its guarantee ran out last Thursday...
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
Wielding swords out of iron, painting them green, inserting them into your own ribcage while leaping off a skyscraper, and singing pop songs is known to be hazardous to your health.
***
Raziel falls into the Spectral Plane, still minus his hand.
Raziel: (VO) Ow! Ow! Stupid Kain, chopping off my hand like that!!! Grrr...but here before me was a strange sight. The Soul Reaver, not the physical blade, but a spiritual presence. I tried to consume it, but narrative causality stopped that little experiment. However, as I was missing a hand, I thought I might do an Evil Dead and replace my hand with it. Well, chainsaws hadn't been invented yet...
Elder God: From this point on, you and this blade are bound, your destinies entwined. By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison, and restored it to its true form - a wraith blade, its energy unbound. No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.
Raziel: Er, right. Just out of interest, are there any side effects to using the Reaver?
Elder God: Well, eventually it'll consume you into its physical self in a time long past to create a time-loop circle of agony and insanity for you...er...I mean, no, none at all! Nothing at all, honest! Really!
Raziel: Oh, good.
Ariel floats out from behind a Pillar.
Ariel: What are you, little soul? Another of Kain's creatures come to taunt this bound spectre?
Raziel: I did not intend to disturb your rest...
Ariel: What? Oh, sorry. I'll call you later.
Ariel hangs up the mobile phone.
Raziel: For some reason, that mobile phone joke seems familiar...
Ariel: I was talking to Pierce Bronsan. If you'd seen the credits, he was supposed to be hiding behind a Pillar instead of me.
Raziel: According to the credits, you're supposed to be Milla Jovovich.
Ariel: Er...yes, well...anyway, what were you saying?
Raziel: I said I did not intend to disturb your rest.
Ariel: Rest? A body is needed for sleep. Flesh and bones are needed to recline.
Raziel: Oh. I see.
Ariel: To restore yourself, you need a self to restore.
Raziel: OK, I get it!
Ariel: You can not regenerate if you have no physical shell to be weary in the first place...
Raziel: OK! Alright!!!
Ariel: A corporeal influence in the physical universe is required to return to a non-tired state...
Raziel: SHUT UP!!!
Ariel: Sorry. After millennia seeing nothing but the same slabs of stone every day, you get a bit ranty.
Raziel: How did you come to haunt these Pillars?
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice...
Those words echo with creepy background music.
Raziel: Er, right.
Ariel: These Pillars serve only to bind me here, thanks to your master.
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Next time I see him, I'll kick him in the family blocks! Hmm, those Block Puzzles are really getting to me...
Ariel: Then we share a common foe.
Raziel: Block Puzzles?
Ariel: Kain, you twit! Return here when you have need, or sandwiches. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.
Pause.
Ariel: Oh blast, I can't remember how to disappear!
Raziel: Why does this meeting not inspire me with confidence?
Raziel leaves the Sanctuary and wanders around Nosgoth for a while. Eventually, he finds himself in a strange network of corridors with smooth, oval doors that open of their own will, and walls that seem almost alive somehow...
Raziel: Hmmm...I think I may have taken a wrong turn. I don't remember this part of Nosgoth...
Suddenly, a host of strange creatures appear in front of him. Two of them, a man and a woman, look human. One man is large, with tentacles emerging from his head, and a large sword in one hand. There is a woman who looks human save for her glittering blue skin and total lack of hair. A white- skinned and haired girl in leather clothes tilts her head and looks at Raziel, while a short, green creature hovers about on a flying seat.
Crichton: OK, who are you and how did you get onto Moya?
Raziel: I am and Raziel, and...I got lost.
Rygel: You got lost. And I'm a frelling Scarren!
Dargo: I think we should lock him up! He could be a spy for Scorpius!
Zhaan: Peace, Dargo. We should hear the visitor out before resorting to violence.
Chiana: Yeah! Besides, he's cute!
Rygel: CUTE?! Him??
Raziel: Cute? ME?! I don't even have a jaw!
Chiana: Great! It'll be different, then!
Aeryn: Chiana, save it for later.
Pilot: Moya and I have no record of anything even resembling the species of our...guest here.
Raziel: Aww, geez, not another disembodied voice!
For no reason, a trapdoor opens, sucking Raziel into it.
Zhaan: Well, that escapade ended faster than normal.
Dargo: Let's go get something to eat. I'm starved.
Aeryn: Alright, but first...
All: SAVE FARSCAPE!!!!!
Meanwhile, Raziel is dumped outside a large cathedral.
Raziel: (VO) Stupid pointless digressions...now where am I? Oh yes! Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire and the Nosgoth Stock Market Crash, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here long dead. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone, and a potential prizewinner for the annual Architect's Prize. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly pop song (ugh!), now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence. Hee hee...I said impotence!!!
Raziel enters, ready to fight an army of Vampires. In fact, he finds...three Vampires, and a load of Block Puzzles!
Raziel: Aww, COME ON!!! Not more stupid Block Puzzles!!!
Raziel kills the Vampires, then tackles the great Element Block Puzzle...
Raziel: Hot! Cold! Bright! Windy! Uh...uh...
...the Pipe Organ Block Puzzle...
Raziel: AAAGH!!! I'm tone deaf!!!
...the Spider-web Block Puzzle...
Raziel: This is Zephon's work! I'm sure of it!!!
...the Bakery Block Puzzle...
Raziel: What the hell..?
...the Paperback Puzzle...
Raziel: Can't take...any more...of this...
...the Musical Puzzle...
Raziel: I wish I was back in the Abyss...
...and the Shadow Block Puzzle.
Raziel: I think I'm having spasms...
So there is now only the Door Block Puzzle...
Raziel: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!
...and the Sewer Pipe Puzzle to do...
Raziel: Finally....finished!
...before Raziel can go for the Wall Scaling Block Puzzle...
Raziel: I HATE MY UNLIFE!!!
...and get into Zephon's chamber!
Raziel: So many blocks...s-so man-n-ny b-blocks...
Zephon: The prodigal son...there is no returning for you, Raziel.
Raziel: Eh? How can you say that when I'm obviously standing here, returned from the Abyss, in front of you?
Zephon: I'm a giant mutant spider. Reality's not my forte.
Raziel: Your visage becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your soul.
Zephon: Oh, like your current appearance is going to send hordes of girls into sexual ecstasy! You have missed so many changes, Raziel. They replaced Earthworm Jim with Teletubbies, and they don't sell fizzy Chewits any more!
Raziel: Geez, this place has gone to the dogs!
Zephon: Spiders.
Raziel: Them too.
Zephon: Speaking of Chewits...I'm hungry. Can I eat you?
Raziel kicks Zephon in what remains of his testicles, then mutilates him so badly with the Reaver that Zephon ends up looking like a pool of bloody vomit.
Zephon: I'll...take that...as a n-no, shall I-I..?
Raziel: This'll learn you for making me go through so many Block Puzzles!
Raziel consumes Zephon's soul.
Elder God: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift. Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable - but only in the physical realm. In the spirit world, these insubstantial edifices will not support you.
Raziel: Huh?
Elder God: Just as the arachnid-like Zephonim were able to make their way up vertical surfaces, you may now imitate that previously-impossible ability.
Raziel: What?
Elder God: You can climb walls, Raziel!
Raziel: Come again?
Elder God: Grrr...you readers better go, this could take a while. Look Raziel, have you ever seen that Spiderman movie...?
A Crystarr A-series Fanfic...
SOUL REAVER 1A - OF TRIVIA AND BLOCK PUZZLES
Starring...
Christopher Lee as Kain
A CGI-created character as Raziel
Milla Jovovich as Ariel
A lot of tires and hose pipe as the Elder God
Pierce Bronsan as Vampire hiding behind Nature Pillar
Winona Ryder, Christopher Lambert, Angelina Jolie and the Undertaker
and Abraham Lincoln as himself.
Music by the Cruxshadows (will not appear in this fic, but is rather good, so check it out anyway!).
Directed by some guy with no life.
(note that above details are subject to change, except the last one)
Raziel enters the chamber. The Pillars of Nosgoth are here, in worse shape than the continuity of the Highlander films. Kain is also here, looking exactly the same as he did a thousand years ago. Guess he got bored of evolving. Raziel strides in, in...er...about the same shape as the Highlander continuity thingy.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: Are we going to just say each other's names a lot?
Raziel: Kain.
Kain: The Abyss has been unkind. I trust that you're not still sore about me ordering your agonising death and all, are you?
Raziel: What did you do to my clan, you bastard? You had no right!
Kain: What I make, I can also destroy.
Raziel: DAMN YOU KAIN!!! You are not the deity of any major religion, and no minor ones (unless you count LoK fans)! This act of genocide is uncons...unconk...unfair!
Kain: Oh, really? Your life's span is but a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since this stupid parody of the series started!
Raziel: You think you've got it bad? You're not the one that had to go through Melchiah's Block Puzzles! I'm just glad that I can kill you here and never have to face another block-shaped puzzle again!
Kain: The Puzzles are a testament to the decay of Nosgoth. This place has outlived its fandom...as have you.
Raziel: You think so?
Kain: No, but it was a cool line.
Kain draws the Soul Reaver.
Raziel: The Soul reaver. Kain's ancient blade, older than any of...
Kain: I know what it is! It's my weapon, after all!
Raziel: Huh? Oh, sorry, forgot to mark that as a voice over.
Kain swings the Reaver. It cuts of Raziel's hand. As Raziel screams, Kain throws him into a Pillar on the other side of the room. Raziel clings painfully to the pillar, desperately trying not to fade into the Spectral Realm.
Kain: Don't make me destroy you...
Raziel: You are a monster! Owie, owie...
Kain: The Elder God never told you the link that you and I have, did he?
Raziel: He told me enough! He told me you killed me!
Kain: No, Raziel. I...am your father!
Pause.
Raziel: No...that's not true! That's impossible!!!
Kain: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kain: Come with me, and together we'll rule Nosgoth as father and son! Again.
Raziel whimpers, then slips into the Spectral Realm.
Kain: Raziel...
The Soul Reaver suddenly explodes, for no adequately explored reason.
Kain: What the..? Hmmm, should have expected that. Its guarantee ran out last Thursday...
***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE
Wielding swords out of iron, painting them green, inserting them into your own ribcage while leaping off a skyscraper, and singing pop songs is known to be hazardous to your health.
***
Raziel falls into the Spectral Plane, still minus his hand.
Raziel: (VO) Ow! Ow! Stupid Kain, chopping off my hand like that!!! Grrr...but here before me was a strange sight. The Soul Reaver, not the physical blade, but a spiritual presence. I tried to consume it, but narrative causality stopped that little experiment. However, as I was missing a hand, I thought I might do an Evil Dead and replace my hand with it. Well, chainsaws hadn't been invented yet...
Elder God: From this point on, you and this blade are bound, your destinies entwined. By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison, and restored it to its true form - a wraith blade, its energy unbound. No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.
Raziel: Er, right. Just out of interest, are there any side effects to using the Reaver?
Elder God: Well, eventually it'll consume you into its physical self in a time long past to create a time-loop circle of agony and insanity for you...er...I mean, no, none at all! Nothing at all, honest! Really!
Raziel: Oh, good.
Ariel floats out from behind a Pillar.
Ariel: What are you, little soul? Another of Kain's creatures come to taunt this bound spectre?
Raziel: I did not intend to disturb your rest...
Ariel: What? Oh, sorry. I'll call you later.
Ariel hangs up the mobile phone.
Raziel: For some reason, that mobile phone joke seems familiar...
Ariel: I was talking to Pierce Bronsan. If you'd seen the credits, he was supposed to be hiding behind a Pillar instead of me.
Raziel: According to the credits, you're supposed to be Milla Jovovich.
Ariel: Er...yes, well...anyway, what were you saying?
Raziel: I said I did not intend to disturb your rest.
Ariel: Rest? A body is needed for sleep. Flesh and bones are needed to recline.
Raziel: Oh. I see.
Ariel: To restore yourself, you need a self to restore.
Raziel: OK, I get it!
Ariel: You can not regenerate if you have no physical shell to be weary in the first place...
Raziel: OK! Alright!!!
Ariel: A corporeal influence in the physical universe is required to return to a non-tired state...
Raziel: SHUT UP!!!
Ariel: Sorry. After millennia seeing nothing but the same slabs of stone every day, you get a bit ranty.
Raziel: How did you come to haunt these Pillars?
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice...
Those words echo with creepy background music.
Raziel: Er, right.
Ariel: These Pillars serve only to bind me here, thanks to your master.
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Next time I see him, I'll kick him in the family blocks! Hmm, those Block Puzzles are really getting to me...
Ariel: Then we share a common foe.
Raziel: Block Puzzles?
Ariel: Kain, you twit! Return here when you have need, or sandwiches. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.
Pause.
Ariel: Oh blast, I can't remember how to disappear!
Raziel: Why does this meeting not inspire me with confidence?
Raziel leaves the Sanctuary and wanders around Nosgoth for a while. Eventually, he finds himself in a strange network of corridors with smooth, oval doors that open of their own will, and walls that seem almost alive somehow...
Raziel: Hmmm...I think I may have taken a wrong turn. I don't remember this part of Nosgoth...
Suddenly, a host of strange creatures appear in front of him. Two of them, a man and a woman, look human. One man is large, with tentacles emerging from his head, and a large sword in one hand. There is a woman who looks human save for her glittering blue skin and total lack of hair. A white- skinned and haired girl in leather clothes tilts her head and looks at Raziel, while a short, green creature hovers about on a flying seat.
Crichton: OK, who are you and how did you get onto Moya?
Raziel: I am and Raziel, and...I got lost.
Rygel: You got lost. And I'm a frelling Scarren!
Dargo: I think we should lock him up! He could be a spy for Scorpius!
Zhaan: Peace, Dargo. We should hear the visitor out before resorting to violence.
Chiana: Yeah! Besides, he's cute!
Rygel: CUTE?! Him??
Raziel: Cute? ME?! I don't even have a jaw!
Chiana: Great! It'll be different, then!
Aeryn: Chiana, save it for later.
Pilot: Moya and I have no record of anything even resembling the species of our...guest here.
Raziel: Aww, geez, not another disembodied voice!
For no reason, a trapdoor opens, sucking Raziel into it.
Zhaan: Well, that escapade ended faster than normal.
Dargo: Let's go get something to eat. I'm starved.
Aeryn: Alright, but first...
All: SAVE FARSCAPE!!!!!
Meanwhile, Raziel is dumped outside a large cathedral.
Raziel: (VO) Stupid pointless digressions...now where am I? Oh yes! Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire and the Nosgoth Stock Market Crash, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here long dead. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone, and a potential prizewinner for the annual Architect's Prize. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly pop song (ugh!), now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence. Hee hee...I said impotence!!!
Raziel enters, ready to fight an army of Vampires. In fact, he finds...three Vampires, and a load of Block Puzzles!
Raziel: Aww, COME ON!!! Not more stupid Block Puzzles!!!
Raziel kills the Vampires, then tackles the great Element Block Puzzle...
Raziel: Hot! Cold! Bright! Windy! Uh...uh...
...the Pipe Organ Block Puzzle...
Raziel: AAAGH!!! I'm tone deaf!!!
...the Spider-web Block Puzzle...
Raziel: This is Zephon's work! I'm sure of it!!!
...the Bakery Block Puzzle...
Raziel: What the hell..?
...the Paperback Puzzle...
Raziel: Can't take...any more...of this...
...the Musical Puzzle...
Raziel: I wish I was back in the Abyss...
...and the Shadow Block Puzzle.
Raziel: I think I'm having spasms...
So there is now only the Door Block Puzzle...
Raziel: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!
...and the Sewer Pipe Puzzle to do...
Raziel: Finally....finished!
...before Raziel can go for the Wall Scaling Block Puzzle...
Raziel: I HATE MY UNLIFE!!!
...and get into Zephon's chamber!
Raziel: So many blocks...s-so man-n-ny b-blocks...
Zephon: The prodigal son...there is no returning for you, Raziel.
Raziel: Eh? How can you say that when I'm obviously standing here, returned from the Abyss, in front of you?
Zephon: I'm a giant mutant spider. Reality's not my forte.
Raziel: Your visage becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your soul.
Zephon: Oh, like your current appearance is going to send hordes of girls into sexual ecstasy! You have missed so many changes, Raziel. They replaced Earthworm Jim with Teletubbies, and they don't sell fizzy Chewits any more!
Raziel: Geez, this place has gone to the dogs!
Zephon: Spiders.
Raziel: Them too.
Zephon: Speaking of Chewits...I'm hungry. Can I eat you?
Raziel kicks Zephon in what remains of his testicles, then mutilates him so badly with the Reaver that Zephon ends up looking like a pool of bloody vomit.
Zephon: I'll...take that...as a n-no, shall I-I..?
Raziel: This'll learn you for making me go through so many Block Puzzles!
Raziel consumes Zephon's soul.
Elder God: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift. Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable - but only in the physical realm. In the spirit world, these insubstantial edifices will not support you.
Raziel: Huh?
Elder God: Just as the arachnid-like Zephonim were able to make their way up vertical surfaces, you may now imitate that previously-impossible ability.
Raziel: What?
Elder God: You can climb walls, Raziel!
Raziel: Come again?
Elder God: Grrr...you readers better go, this could take a while. Look Raziel, have you ever seen that Spiderman movie...?