In an American resort town, full of mist and light snow, Raziel walks down an abandoned street. We won't go into why he's in America and not Nosgoth (he got lost, alright?!).

Raziel: Gee, this place is boring.

Suddenly, three monsters burst out at him. One is a large, bloated man with a giant sword and a huge triangular helmet. One is a huge winged demonic creature that looks slightly feminine. And the third is bizarre mutant of some sort with a frantically shaking head. Raziel doesn't panic, he just bares his body menacingly and brings forth the Reaver. There is a moment's pause.

Pyramid Head: Er...sorry.

Valtiel: Thought you were someone else.

Samael: Geez, makes me ashamed of my monsters...

The three monsters slink off quietly. Raziel shrugs and walks on.

Meanwhile, three people sit chatting in a cafe.

Harry: Silent Hill is quiet. There aren't any monsters around lately. Or aliens.

Heather: Nah, they must have ran off from me! I'll kill them all! Hey, do I know you from somewhere?

Harry: You look a bit like Cheryl. Except with blonde hair. And older.

Heather: And you're like a younger version of my dad - it takes a year for you to finish a sentence!

James: Duh, this looks like a good thing to shave with.

Heather: Hey, put my katana down!

James: Ow! Sharp swords hurt when they cut you!

Harry: Idiot. Moron.

Somewhere far, far away, Raziel had gotten back to Nosgoth. He was climbing over mountains, wearing an oxygen tank and sunglasses. Why? Because he'd crashed into a hardware store and then a clothes shop! Duh!

Raziel: I really need to watch where I'm walking...a-ha! The Tomb of the Sarafan! That overgrown octopus said something about going here. At least, I think he did. I can't understand a word that guy says!

Raziel strolls into the Tomb of the Sarafan. As he does so, the voice of the Elder God reaches him.

Elder God: Raziel.

Raziel: Yes?

Elder God: That wasn't a question. You must now enter the Tomb of the Sarafan, where you will uncover a secret of your past. But be warned, this secret may well destroy you.

Raziel: Oh. Well, in that case, I think I'll pass.

Elder God: There is also a guardian in here that will grant you an ability you need to move on through Nosgoth.

Raziel: You what?! Why do I constantly have to gain new abilities just to carry on walking through a land I've known for thousands of years?! This stupid realm!

***

IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE

Important Trivia Messages rarely have any real trivia in them. And they aren't generally important, either.

***

Raziel plods into the Tomb, killing Lara Croft on the way in.

Raziel: (VO) Because I want that new ability, and she'll only muck things up by killing the guardian and stuff.

Raziel walks into a chamber. Suddenly, he is frozen in place, and wearing a knapsack and an odd horned helmet. The scene changes to a castle antechamber, where a bearded man is looking at Kain, Janos Audron and Vorador sitting by a TV screen in the wall.

Treguard: Timeout is gone. The Quest is on!

Kain: Huh?

Janos: Wha..?

Vorador: What the hell is this?!

Treguard: Warning, team, manifestation is occurring! Stand quite still, Dungeoneer!

Kain: Who are you calling a Dungeoneer?

Treguard: Raziel, of course!

Raziel: I can't see anything!!!

In the wall in front of Raziel, a face appears in the stone.

Face: I am Olgarth of Legend. Face me or perish, intruder.

Raziel: Hello? What's happening?

Kain: I'd like to know that, too...

Raziel: Kain?! Where are you?

Kain: Sitting with Vorador, Janos Audron, and some guy I don't know.

Raziel: Janos who?

Janos: You'll find out.

Olgarth: Three truths I seek, and here is my first. What is life to humans, but death to Vampires?

Janos: Come on, guys, we can do this!

Vorador: I'm not working with HIM! He killed Umah!

Kain: She had it coming!

Vorador: Why you...

Kain and Vorador start fighting. Janos sags in his bench and groans.

Olgarth: Water was the truth I sought.

Treguard: Hey! Stop fighting! How're you going to redeem the Sword of Freedom like this?

Raziel: Like this!!!

Raziel tears off the helmet and reduces Olgarth to rubble, then flees the chamber. Kain and Vorador have rolled out of the room while trying to kill each other, and Janos seems to be counting to a hundred.

Treguard: We really need to screen prospective Dungeoneers for Knightmare more thoroughly.

Raziel enters a new chamber. This one has an evolved Vampire in it.

Vampire: So, Raziel, you...

Raziel throws petrol into the Vampire's eyes, then hits him in the face with the Reaver. The Vampire dies in an explosive flash. Raziel eats his soul and gains the Force Projectile ability.

Raziel: I'm trying to move the story on a bit faster, see?

Raziel walks a bit further into a room with a bunch of graves. They read like this:

Here lies Turel - He never did work out whether it was "how still it beats" or "how it still beats".

Here lies Zephon - He died like he lived (bitching about how unfair it all was).

Here lies Malek - Well, not really, there was that whole Mortanius-Armour- Failing the Circle thing...

Here lies Melchiah - But no one really cares.

Here lies Rahab - He wanted to be buried at sea, but we couldn't be bothered lugging him all the way over there.

Here lies Dumah - He needed to lose weight anyway.

Here lies Raziel - If a future, decrepit, soul-eating version of him ever discovers this tomb, I want you to know that you brought it on yourself - literally! BWA HAHAHAHA!!! But you won't know what that means for a long time. I could tell you, but I've run out of room to carve messages on this sarcophagu...

Raziel looks at these tombs for a long time, then shrugs and leaves.

Elder God: Uh...aren't you angry? Upset? Devastated?

Raziel: Not really. But I'm a good actor, so I'll pretend.

Raziel cheerily makes his exit, bouncing away on a pogo stick while whistling the theme tune to Bonanza.

Elder God: Gee, that was the biggest anti-climax since the last time I scored...