Raziel is wearing a suit and sitting at a desk.
Raziel: Good morning. It's not unheard of in the realms of fanfiction and general story-writing for an author to get bored and rush through parts of stories, allowing the quality of them to deteriorate. Now, even though Crystarr has, up to this point, written the LoKa series with professionalism, quality and excellence...excuse me...
Raziel leaves the room. From outside, a lot of hysterical laughter is heard. Raziel can be a real smartass sometimes. Eventually, he returns to the desk.
Raziel: Anyway, to speed things up, he's decided to experiment in putting Soul Reaver characters in situations from other stories and mythologies. Now, many of you may think that this is an unoriginal and cheap way of writing a parody, and you'd be right. But Crystarr can't handle criticism, so please pretend you think it's the greatest thing he's ever done (which isn't saying much). Now, without further ado, here is Raziel Hood!
The scene changes to the exterior of the drowned abbey. Raziel is here, decked up in what looks like a modified Link costume from the Zelda series, with a feathered cap.
Raziel: Ha! I, Raziel Hood, am here! Sheriff of Rahab-ham! Release the fair maiden or prepare for the consequences!
Way above on the battlements, Rahab waves.
Rahab: So, Raziel Hood, you presume to tell me what to do? Even when I have your lady love in my grasp?
Ariel appears, wearing a flowing white dress.
Ariel: I am not doing it. I'm not being Marian.
Rahab: Oh for...not again! Look, Raz has to deal with Block Puzzles, you know. Count yourself lucky!
Ariel: Grrr...fine...(flatly) Save me, Raziel. Oh, the horror. I am scared.
Rahab: Gee, how emotional.
A grappling hook flies past, and Raziel climbs onto the roof.
Raziel: Now, Sheriff, prepare yourself!
Rahab: Hey! You weren't supposed to do that! I had a load of Block Puzzles waiting to torture you inside!
Raziel: Bite me, Fishface.
Rahab: Why you...
Raziel activates the Reaver, while Rahab pulls a sword from somewhere. The camera moves to a nearby wall, where we see the shadows of the two Vampiric brothers starts to fight. Swords parry and thrust, deflect and slice...
Ariel: You know, I'm not just some sideshow, waiting to throw my arms around the hero after he saves my helpless butt. I have depth! I went to University, you know. I have a Doctorate in Balance, and a PhD in Spectral Theory! And I was in the Circle's Track and Run team!
The shadow of Raziel kicks Rahab's shadow in the crotch, then starts jumping on him.
Ariel: I appeared in the award-winning play "Mentalists Prefer Blondes", and wrote my biography "Kain, You Bastard, You Were Supposed to Choose the Other Option".
The shadow of Rahab uses pepper spray on Raziel's shadow, then starts swinging a chainsaw.
Ariel: And do I get any respect? No! The boys keep playing practical jokes on me in my dressing room, like writing "Two-faced Ghost" in lipstick on my mirror, or making prank phone calls on my mobile phone...
Rahab's shadow has pulled out a flamethrower, and is frying Raziel.
Ariel: And Dumah keeps making a pass at me, the pervert. Like I'm going to go out with a guy who can't even hold off a human army!
Raziel's shadow points up to the sky. Rahab's shadow looks up, and Raziel plants some dynamite on his chest and runs. Rahab, unsurprisingly, dies. Raz eats his soul.
Raziel: Ah, my fair lady Arielan, now we can finally run off to Shermogent Forest and...
Ariel shows Raziel the rotted side of her face.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!
Raziel runs off. Ariel pulls out her mobile phone, rings someone, and walks off.
Elder God: In case anyone cares, eating Rahab's soul means Raziel can't be hurt by water now. Hello? Anyone there?
**************************************************************************** ***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MASSAGE
The above line should have said "Important Trivia Message". The reason for the typo is that I was writing this while drinking orange juice.
**************************************************************************** ***
The scene has changed now to a desert area, full of cliffs, cactuses (or cacti, or whatever the plural is), roads, rails, and other stuff. The sound of very fast running is heard, at which point we see Dumah running at incredibly high speeds. Dumah suddenly freezes mid-step, and the caption "Dumah : Egois-Deludis" is seen by him. Slowly, Dumah starts to run again, finally shooting off the screen. A moment later, Raziel runs onto the screen, is frozen, and a caption saying "Raziel : Blockius-Despisus" appears, before letting him run on.
The pair continue running, so fast that a huge dust cloud is thrown up. Soon, only the top of Raziel's head can be seen in the dust. Raziel comes to a stop, and looks around confused. Dumah's head walks through the top of the dust behind Raz.
Dumah: Boop-boop!
Raziel jumps in shock, partly because after hours of practice, Dumah still can't get the beep-beep right, allowing his whole head (well, what's left of it) to be seen. He activates the Reaver, but Dumah points down. The dust fades, and we see that Raziel has run right off the edge of a cliff, and is standing in thin air. He looks sadly at the camera, and then falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.
***
Raziel is in the middle of a road, chaining a moaning prisoner to the tarmac. He puts up a sign saying "Free Blood - Vampire Lords Welcome", then dashes off up a cliff overhanging the scene. A large lever is there, connected to a wire. Looking down, we see that the wire leads to several poorly-buried Glyph Energy Generators underneath the prisoner. Raziel chuckles, and waits.
A few moments later, Dumah runs up to the scene. He stops, and starts feeding on the prisoner. Raziel laughs, pulls the lever...and nothing happens! Dumah finishes his meal.
Dumah: Bip-bip!
He dashes off. Raziel pulls the lever back and forth several times, then goes down to the now-dead prisoner and the generators. He puts his hands on his hips and considers the situation, at which point the generators all explode. When the flash fades, all that is left is a pissed-off and very charred Raziel.
***
Raziel is hiding behind a large rock. He waits until he hears the sound of running. He leaps out, blocking the road, and gets trampled on by the horde of demons running along.
***
Raziel is opening a large box labelled "Nosme". He pulls out a large pair of Nosme Artificial Wings, and slips them over the ruined remains of his own wings. He climbs to the top of a cliff, and waits for Dumah to come running far below. When he sees Dumah, Raziel jumps...and plummets. He flaps the wings frantically, and halfway down manages to get them working. Raziel swoops gracefully down, and comes within an inch of grabbing hold of Dumah. Dumah piles on the speed, but Raziel flies up into the air, then swoops down again. This time, his claws brush the back of Dumah's head.
Raziel swoops up, activating the Reaver, an evil grin on his face. He flies up, coming level to the top of a cliff. He is about to dive again, when he sees Kain standing on the cliff edge beside him. Kain reaches out and tears off the Nosme wings. Raziel desperately tries to float (not that it did him any good in the first sketch), but the tattered remains of the Nosme wings get tangled up in the tattered remains of his real wings. Raziel falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.
***
Raziel paints a large tunnel entrance picture on the side of a mountain, and places a sign next to it saying "Undefended Human Village - 1/2 mile". He then hides in a nearby bush. Dumah runs up and enters the tunnel with no problem at all. Raziel gapes in astonishment, then jumps out and makes to follow. Suddenly, a suspicious look enters his eyes, and he attaches a Nosme Giant Spring to his chest, and lines the rocks behind him with pillows. He then charges into the tunnel, expecting to spring off solid rock. Instead, he runs right through the tunnel and out the other side into thin air. Raziel falls, landing spring-first on the ground. He is sprung up into a cliff overhang, which ends up driving his head through the rock. The overhang then cracks and falls from the main cliff, smashing on the ground. Raziel is left sitting up for a moment, then collapses in a daze in the rubble.
***
Raziel consumes a Nosme Speed Soul, which triples the speed of any soul- eating entity that eats it. At this point, Dumah races by. Raziel runs on the spot for a few seconds to build up momentum, and then charges. Sadly, his cowl has caught on a cactus, and stretches until Raziel has almost caught Dumah, before snapping him painfully back into the cactus.
***
Raziel is determined to get his own back now. Seeing that Block Puzzles have always given him grief, he gets hold of all the Block Puzzles he can and puts them all over the road. The idea is that Dumah will have to solve them to continue, and by the time he makes it through the seventeen mile long Block Puzzle labyrinth, he'll beg Raziel to kill him. Finally finished, Raz goes up to the top of a cliff overlooking the scene. As he waits, Dumah sneaks up behind him.
Dumah: Bup-bup!
Raziel leaps in fright, falling off the cliff and landing right in the centre of the Block Puzzles. Dumah sticks out his tongue and runs off as Raziel screams.
***
Raziel has gotten hold of a gigantic Soul Reaver sword - about twenty times the size of Raziel himself! He lugs it up to the top of a cliff, then secures it pointing downwards. Way below, another prisoner is chained up with a "Free Blood" sign nearby. Dumah runs up, stops, and begins to feed. Raziel jumps onto the giant Reaver hilt, then fires off the biggest Reaver Force Bolt ever seen. Dumah finishes his meal and runs off, allowing the bolt to smash into the ground. The vibrations created make Raziel slip off the giant Reaver, and he falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm. A few moments later he reappears, looking really annoyed. The giant Reaver chooses that moment to slip from its ropes, and falls down, crushing Raziel as it lands.
***
Raziel is in a workshop of some kind, surrounded by tools, blueprints, and raw materials. The blueprints are all labelled "Ultimate Plan". Raziel chuckles at the intricate details of his ever-so subtle plan...
Soon after, Dumah is calmly running along when Raz suddenly jumps out from behind a large rock, swinging a gigantic axe.
Raziel: DUMAH!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!
Dumah: Bap-bap!
Dumah dashes off, with Raziel hot on his heels, swinging the axe like crazy. After a couple of minutes, though, Raziel is exhausted. Dumah looks back and sticks out his tongue.
Dumah: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm...
Dumah, not looking ahead of him, runs straight into a giant furnace and burns to a crisp. Raziel staggers up and consumes his soul.
Elder God: Having consumed Dumah's soul, you can run around in circles until the target is crushed in constricting bands of energy. Or until you get dizzy and fall over. Whichever comes first.
Raziel: Great.
Elder God: Well, now's the time to go kick Kain's ass!
Raziel: Hmm? What about Turel?
Elder God: He was taken out of this game.
Raziel: What?!
Elder God: Look at it this way - that's one less set of Block Puzzles to do.
Raziel: Point taken. Very well, I shall go and destroy Kain...tomorrow!
Elder God: Why not now?
Raziel: You know, I killed two targets in one chapter! Some employers would be happy with that!
Elder God: I am not some employers.
Raziel: Well, I'm booking the rest of the day off, so ner!!
Raziel goes off to sleep. As am I. It's harder to write Road Runner scenes than you'd think!
Raziel: Good morning. It's not unheard of in the realms of fanfiction and general story-writing for an author to get bored and rush through parts of stories, allowing the quality of them to deteriorate. Now, even though Crystarr has, up to this point, written the LoKa series with professionalism, quality and excellence...excuse me...
Raziel leaves the room. From outside, a lot of hysterical laughter is heard. Raziel can be a real smartass sometimes. Eventually, he returns to the desk.
Raziel: Anyway, to speed things up, he's decided to experiment in putting Soul Reaver characters in situations from other stories and mythologies. Now, many of you may think that this is an unoriginal and cheap way of writing a parody, and you'd be right. But Crystarr can't handle criticism, so please pretend you think it's the greatest thing he's ever done (which isn't saying much). Now, without further ado, here is Raziel Hood!
The scene changes to the exterior of the drowned abbey. Raziel is here, decked up in what looks like a modified Link costume from the Zelda series, with a feathered cap.
Raziel: Ha! I, Raziel Hood, am here! Sheriff of Rahab-ham! Release the fair maiden or prepare for the consequences!
Way above on the battlements, Rahab waves.
Rahab: So, Raziel Hood, you presume to tell me what to do? Even when I have your lady love in my grasp?
Ariel appears, wearing a flowing white dress.
Ariel: I am not doing it. I'm not being Marian.
Rahab: Oh for...not again! Look, Raz has to deal with Block Puzzles, you know. Count yourself lucky!
Ariel: Grrr...fine...(flatly) Save me, Raziel. Oh, the horror. I am scared.
Rahab: Gee, how emotional.
A grappling hook flies past, and Raziel climbs onto the roof.
Raziel: Now, Sheriff, prepare yourself!
Rahab: Hey! You weren't supposed to do that! I had a load of Block Puzzles waiting to torture you inside!
Raziel: Bite me, Fishface.
Rahab: Why you...
Raziel activates the Reaver, while Rahab pulls a sword from somewhere. The camera moves to a nearby wall, where we see the shadows of the two Vampiric brothers starts to fight. Swords parry and thrust, deflect and slice...
Ariel: You know, I'm not just some sideshow, waiting to throw my arms around the hero after he saves my helpless butt. I have depth! I went to University, you know. I have a Doctorate in Balance, and a PhD in Spectral Theory! And I was in the Circle's Track and Run team!
The shadow of Raziel kicks Rahab's shadow in the crotch, then starts jumping on him.
Ariel: I appeared in the award-winning play "Mentalists Prefer Blondes", and wrote my biography "Kain, You Bastard, You Were Supposed to Choose the Other Option".
The shadow of Rahab uses pepper spray on Raziel's shadow, then starts swinging a chainsaw.
Ariel: And do I get any respect? No! The boys keep playing practical jokes on me in my dressing room, like writing "Two-faced Ghost" in lipstick on my mirror, or making prank phone calls on my mobile phone...
Rahab's shadow has pulled out a flamethrower, and is frying Raziel.
Ariel: And Dumah keeps making a pass at me, the pervert. Like I'm going to go out with a guy who can't even hold off a human army!
Raziel's shadow points up to the sky. Rahab's shadow looks up, and Raziel plants some dynamite on his chest and runs. Rahab, unsurprisingly, dies. Raz eats his soul.
Raziel: Ah, my fair lady Arielan, now we can finally run off to Shermogent Forest and...
Ariel shows Raziel the rotted side of her face.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!
Raziel runs off. Ariel pulls out her mobile phone, rings someone, and walks off.
Elder God: In case anyone cares, eating Rahab's soul means Raziel can't be hurt by water now. Hello? Anyone there?
**************************************************************************** ***
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MASSAGE
The above line should have said "Important Trivia Message". The reason for the typo is that I was writing this while drinking orange juice.
**************************************************************************** ***
The scene has changed now to a desert area, full of cliffs, cactuses (or cacti, or whatever the plural is), roads, rails, and other stuff. The sound of very fast running is heard, at which point we see Dumah running at incredibly high speeds. Dumah suddenly freezes mid-step, and the caption "Dumah : Egois-Deludis" is seen by him. Slowly, Dumah starts to run again, finally shooting off the screen. A moment later, Raziel runs onto the screen, is frozen, and a caption saying "Raziel : Blockius-Despisus" appears, before letting him run on.
The pair continue running, so fast that a huge dust cloud is thrown up. Soon, only the top of Raziel's head can be seen in the dust. Raziel comes to a stop, and looks around confused. Dumah's head walks through the top of the dust behind Raz.
Dumah: Boop-boop!
Raziel jumps in shock, partly because after hours of practice, Dumah still can't get the beep-beep right, allowing his whole head (well, what's left of it) to be seen. He activates the Reaver, but Dumah points down. The dust fades, and we see that Raziel has run right off the edge of a cliff, and is standing in thin air. He looks sadly at the camera, and then falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.
***
Raziel is in the middle of a road, chaining a moaning prisoner to the tarmac. He puts up a sign saying "Free Blood - Vampire Lords Welcome", then dashes off up a cliff overhanging the scene. A large lever is there, connected to a wire. Looking down, we see that the wire leads to several poorly-buried Glyph Energy Generators underneath the prisoner. Raziel chuckles, and waits.
A few moments later, Dumah runs up to the scene. He stops, and starts feeding on the prisoner. Raziel laughs, pulls the lever...and nothing happens! Dumah finishes his meal.
Dumah: Bip-bip!
He dashes off. Raziel pulls the lever back and forth several times, then goes down to the now-dead prisoner and the generators. He puts his hands on his hips and considers the situation, at which point the generators all explode. When the flash fades, all that is left is a pissed-off and very charred Raziel.
***
Raziel is hiding behind a large rock. He waits until he hears the sound of running. He leaps out, blocking the road, and gets trampled on by the horde of demons running along.
***
Raziel is opening a large box labelled "Nosme". He pulls out a large pair of Nosme Artificial Wings, and slips them over the ruined remains of his own wings. He climbs to the top of a cliff, and waits for Dumah to come running far below. When he sees Dumah, Raziel jumps...and plummets. He flaps the wings frantically, and halfway down manages to get them working. Raziel swoops gracefully down, and comes within an inch of grabbing hold of Dumah. Dumah piles on the speed, but Raziel flies up into the air, then swoops down again. This time, his claws brush the back of Dumah's head.
Raziel swoops up, activating the Reaver, an evil grin on his face. He flies up, coming level to the top of a cliff. He is about to dive again, when he sees Kain standing on the cliff edge beside him. Kain reaches out and tears off the Nosme wings. Raziel desperately tries to float (not that it did him any good in the first sketch), but the tattered remains of the Nosme wings get tangled up in the tattered remains of his real wings. Raziel falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.
***
Raziel paints a large tunnel entrance picture on the side of a mountain, and places a sign next to it saying "Undefended Human Village - 1/2 mile". He then hides in a nearby bush. Dumah runs up and enters the tunnel with no problem at all. Raziel gapes in astonishment, then jumps out and makes to follow. Suddenly, a suspicious look enters his eyes, and he attaches a Nosme Giant Spring to his chest, and lines the rocks behind him with pillows. He then charges into the tunnel, expecting to spring off solid rock. Instead, he runs right through the tunnel and out the other side into thin air. Raziel falls, landing spring-first on the ground. He is sprung up into a cliff overhang, which ends up driving his head through the rock. The overhang then cracks and falls from the main cliff, smashing on the ground. Raziel is left sitting up for a moment, then collapses in a daze in the rubble.
***
Raziel consumes a Nosme Speed Soul, which triples the speed of any soul- eating entity that eats it. At this point, Dumah races by. Raziel runs on the spot for a few seconds to build up momentum, and then charges. Sadly, his cowl has caught on a cactus, and stretches until Raziel has almost caught Dumah, before snapping him painfully back into the cactus.
***
Raziel is determined to get his own back now. Seeing that Block Puzzles have always given him grief, he gets hold of all the Block Puzzles he can and puts them all over the road. The idea is that Dumah will have to solve them to continue, and by the time he makes it through the seventeen mile long Block Puzzle labyrinth, he'll beg Raziel to kill him. Finally finished, Raz goes up to the top of a cliff overlooking the scene. As he waits, Dumah sneaks up behind him.
Dumah: Bup-bup!
Raziel leaps in fright, falling off the cliff and landing right in the centre of the Block Puzzles. Dumah sticks out his tongue and runs off as Raziel screams.
***
Raziel has gotten hold of a gigantic Soul Reaver sword - about twenty times the size of Raziel himself! He lugs it up to the top of a cliff, then secures it pointing downwards. Way below, another prisoner is chained up with a "Free Blood" sign nearby. Dumah runs up, stops, and begins to feed. Raziel jumps onto the giant Reaver hilt, then fires off the biggest Reaver Force Bolt ever seen. Dumah finishes his meal and runs off, allowing the bolt to smash into the ground. The vibrations created make Raziel slip off the giant Reaver, and he falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm. A few moments later he reappears, looking really annoyed. The giant Reaver chooses that moment to slip from its ropes, and falls down, crushing Raziel as it lands.
***
Raziel is in a workshop of some kind, surrounded by tools, blueprints, and raw materials. The blueprints are all labelled "Ultimate Plan". Raziel chuckles at the intricate details of his ever-so subtle plan...
Soon after, Dumah is calmly running along when Raz suddenly jumps out from behind a large rock, swinging a gigantic axe.
Raziel: DUMAH!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!
Dumah: Bap-bap!
Dumah dashes off, with Raziel hot on his heels, swinging the axe like crazy. After a couple of minutes, though, Raziel is exhausted. Dumah looks back and sticks out his tongue.
Dumah: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm...
Dumah, not looking ahead of him, runs straight into a giant furnace and burns to a crisp. Raziel staggers up and consumes his soul.
Elder God: Having consumed Dumah's soul, you can run around in circles until the target is crushed in constricting bands of energy. Or until you get dizzy and fall over. Whichever comes first.
Raziel: Great.
Elder God: Well, now's the time to go kick Kain's ass!
Raziel: Hmm? What about Turel?
Elder God: He was taken out of this game.
Raziel: What?!
Elder God: Look at it this way - that's one less set of Block Puzzles to do.
Raziel: Point taken. Very well, I shall go and destroy Kain...tomorrow!
Elder God: Why not now?
Raziel: You know, I killed two targets in one chapter! Some employers would be happy with that!
Elder God: I am not some employers.
Raziel: Well, I'm booking the rest of the day off, so ner!!
Raziel goes off to sleep. As am I. It's harder to write Road Runner scenes than you'd think!