Disclaimer: I do not own these characters!
Voldie- Old and Feeble and Senile- And still not immortal.
A/N: Okay this is my humorous story and it is very wacky and a little immature which makes it funny. So sit back, relax, and read my hard work. Because I guarantee u won't leave your chair w/ dry underwear ;) ha ha!
Voldie (I) woke up one morning. Groaning! Oh no not another birthday! I'm 199 years old! Darn it all! Things aren't at all like they used to be! Yep I remember being bad like it was just last night. Well actually I suppose that could be true. I did actually do a bad and evil thing 2 my nose then. I couldn't sleep is that my fault? So I got up and I had to go pooh-pooh. So I went and used the (what do they call it these days?) oh yes, the crapper. Anyways so I went and used the crapper- contraction thingy. And I stunk up the bathroom. I was farting for a half an hour but then my body gave me a sign that I was getting too old 2 fart and carry on like my old fun days, when the Death-Eaters and I would have farting contests. My real competition was Snape and Lucius. I remember this one time we were having the contest at Lucius's house to punish his son, Draco, I don't remember what it was for. And his wife walked in on Snape farting on the poop wall. (One time a fart was so strong it blew a hole through my pants and there was poop too and it went through onto the wall so we called it the poop wall.) And anyways Snape saw her watching and tripped over his strong fart force and he fell right onto the poop. But back to that... So anyways my body gave me that sign and I knew because I pooped out a bone in my poop. It might have been that darn annoying Siegel that kept plucking out the two hairs I had left. But all the same I felt more flexible after that. I went to bed and then I woke up w/ crap inside the sheets.
I walked into my living room and was completely naked (except for the crap smeared on my leg.) And Macnair was there and he took a picture not realizing that I was naked w/ crap on my leg until he put the camera down. UH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY OLD! I MEAN MY LORD. MY LORD... MY LORD!... Voldemort suddenly noticed all of his other death-eaters looking at him and Snape muttering... Wow. he has a pretty big wand for his old age. uh. I never said that I hope he didn't hear that. I quickly magiced myself on some clothes and pretended that they never saw anything. Thank you my oh-so-loyal-death-eaters. -What will we do today my lord? - Uhh I am not sure. - would you like to take up the old times and have another farting contest? - Uh. well I think I just wasted my whole supply last night. Can someone gladly please get me my walking stick.. Or better yet... my wheel chair?-Sure thing my lord! - Hmm.. SNAPE! GET ME MY THINKING BOULER (sp?) HAT! -On my way- Thank you Snape! . Hmmm. well I HAVE IT! HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE ZOO TODAY? - GREAT IDEA MY LORD! - As I sat down in my wheel chair I thought of how fun it would be. YES IM SO EXCITED! LET'S DO THE HAPPY DANCE! REMEMBER IT'S THE BRITTANY SPEARS MOVE! SWING IT AROUND! THAT'S IT USE THAT ARSE!!! VERY GOOD SNAPE! OHH... LUCIUS YOU COULD DO WITH SOME LESSONS FROM SNAPE! - Learning my lord heh heh heh. - I suppose we will have to go to a muggle zoo. Everywhere else will be packed. They all want 2 see the dancing monkeys! Darn it all!- Well my lord shall we set off now?- I suppose. erm. don't forget to bring the explosives.- Got it!-
We all apparated to the Fockedop Zoo.- I walked up to the ticket booth- Sir we have a special senior price- What I am not old!- Yeah, okay I'm sorry sir.- AVADA KADEVRA!- OUCH! That was the rest of my strength. PLEASE! WHEEL CHAIR! I sat in the wheel chair. Oh I guess free admission. Oh free sweets too! I grabbed the stick thing and I chewed it. Hey! You can chew it forever! This is fun! And then it happened. - AH LUCIUS YOUR HAIR! IT'S, IT'S. COVERED IN THE NEVER ENDING CHEWY STUFF! AND IT WON'T COME OUT! - OH MY GOD! VOLDEMORT! MYLORD! MY HAIR! @#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY BEAUTIFUL LONG BLONDE HAIR! - Shave it off!- NOOO!!!- Lucius's head was now bald. - AH! - Let's move on now shall we?- We are first off to the giraffe's. GEOFFREY WASSUP MAN? HOW YOU BEEN?! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE FOREVER! Eh. we can catch up later. And moving on! Next the elephants. AH! MOTHER OF PEARL! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT STENCH?! AHHH!!!! MACNAIR IT FARTED ON YOU! THOSE WANNABEES! HORRIBLE! NOW I KNOW OF ANOTHER TORTURE ITEM! WHAT A COMPLETE UTTERLY GOOD AND BAD BONUS! Yes. and moving on. Here you might want to use this muggle cologne Macnair. Here Snape will put it on for you.- GET THAT CRAP OFF OF ME! - KABOOM! - ouch.- Snape I think that might have been gas. And since your hair is so greasy. when Macnair dumped it back on your head it exploded and created a FIRE! SAVE THE ANIMALS! - Eh who really gives a crap. Still, moving on. (Ignoring the flame on Snape's head, no notice.) Now to the reptile house. AWW! MY SNAKIE POO'S! Slither around on me all you want honey buns! ALOHOMORA! Aww look Lucius has a new hairpiece! I just may keep you and call you pookiekins! Now snake. ware were you on the night of today? That's okay, take your time. Now they will all pay those muggle snake lovers! Crabbe, get out those explosives! -Puff, puff, puff- KABOOM! IT'S RAINING SNAKE GUTS! HALEYLUIA!- And next stop. The Chimpanzee's. - OO EE AA AA! - AH SHUT UP YOU STUPID ANIMAL AND STOP FOLLOWING ME! - Now now Macnair. You know that the monkey's like to follow horrible smells! STUPID!!!!!!!! I just had to do it.. I swung the monkey. And it died of shock. Although I am beginning to think the stench finally got past his nostril and into his brain. pah! figures! Everyone put corks over their noses. Even MACNAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY! YOU'RE STINKING US ALL UP! AND NOW IT WILL TAKE WEEKS FOR ALL OF US TO FEEL NORMAL EVEN IF WE WASH IN PERFUME!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S MAKE THAT ELEPHANT PAY! - GIMME THAT CLOSEST WHALE! I threw the whale and all the elephants died knocked out winded. And even the whale did. But that was because it landed in the crap pile. - Well. uh I think that leaves it pretty much for my birthday today. I am pretty pooped out. And I think my spine just cracked in half. Help... A little assistance please? Except one more thing. First lets go to McDonald's and get a McFlurry for only a dollar!- We Walked in to McDonald's and everyone in there vacated because of our stench! OOH YUM! They must know that its my birthday so they gave me space and a free ice cream! Well it's past my bed time. It is exactly 2:00 PM, and I woke up at 11:45. I gotta sleep the rest of the day. I will burn you next time I need you. (Preferably late at night so we can have another contest ;) .)
N/N: Okay well this is only the first chapter. Let me know what the next journey should be. I'm fresh out of ideas. But I know it has to be more centered on Snape and Voldie and drugs together. They have to get drunk, or stoned or something like that. Thanks for reading! And may you have enough dry underwear. REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW! And please no flames...
Voldie- Old and Feeble and Senile- And still not immortal.
A/N: Okay this is my humorous story and it is very wacky and a little immature which makes it funny. So sit back, relax, and read my hard work. Because I guarantee u won't leave your chair w/ dry underwear ;) ha ha!
Voldie (I) woke up one morning. Groaning! Oh no not another birthday! I'm 199 years old! Darn it all! Things aren't at all like they used to be! Yep I remember being bad like it was just last night. Well actually I suppose that could be true. I did actually do a bad and evil thing 2 my nose then. I couldn't sleep is that my fault? So I got up and I had to go pooh-pooh. So I went and used the (what do they call it these days?) oh yes, the crapper. Anyways so I went and used the crapper- contraction thingy. And I stunk up the bathroom. I was farting for a half an hour but then my body gave me a sign that I was getting too old 2 fart and carry on like my old fun days, when the Death-Eaters and I would have farting contests. My real competition was Snape and Lucius. I remember this one time we were having the contest at Lucius's house to punish his son, Draco, I don't remember what it was for. And his wife walked in on Snape farting on the poop wall. (One time a fart was so strong it blew a hole through my pants and there was poop too and it went through onto the wall so we called it the poop wall.) And anyways Snape saw her watching and tripped over his strong fart force and he fell right onto the poop. But back to that... So anyways my body gave me that sign and I knew because I pooped out a bone in my poop. It might have been that darn annoying Siegel that kept plucking out the two hairs I had left. But all the same I felt more flexible after that. I went to bed and then I woke up w/ crap inside the sheets.
I walked into my living room and was completely naked (except for the crap smeared on my leg.) And Macnair was there and he took a picture not realizing that I was naked w/ crap on my leg until he put the camera down. UH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY OLD! I MEAN MY LORD. MY LORD... MY LORD!... Voldemort suddenly noticed all of his other death-eaters looking at him and Snape muttering... Wow. he has a pretty big wand for his old age. uh. I never said that I hope he didn't hear that. I quickly magiced myself on some clothes and pretended that they never saw anything. Thank you my oh-so-loyal-death-eaters. -What will we do today my lord? - Uhh I am not sure. - would you like to take up the old times and have another farting contest? - Uh. well I think I just wasted my whole supply last night. Can someone gladly please get me my walking stick.. Or better yet... my wheel chair?-Sure thing my lord! - Hmm.. SNAPE! GET ME MY THINKING BOULER (sp?) HAT! -On my way- Thank you Snape! . Hmmm. well I HAVE IT! HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE ZOO TODAY? - GREAT IDEA MY LORD! - As I sat down in my wheel chair I thought of how fun it would be. YES IM SO EXCITED! LET'S DO THE HAPPY DANCE! REMEMBER IT'S THE BRITTANY SPEARS MOVE! SWING IT AROUND! THAT'S IT USE THAT ARSE!!! VERY GOOD SNAPE! OHH... LUCIUS YOU COULD DO WITH SOME LESSONS FROM SNAPE! - Learning my lord heh heh heh. - I suppose we will have to go to a muggle zoo. Everywhere else will be packed. They all want 2 see the dancing monkeys! Darn it all!- Well my lord shall we set off now?- I suppose. erm. don't forget to bring the explosives.- Got it!-
We all apparated to the Fockedop Zoo.- I walked up to the ticket booth- Sir we have a special senior price- What I am not old!- Yeah, okay I'm sorry sir.- AVADA KADEVRA!- OUCH! That was the rest of my strength. PLEASE! WHEEL CHAIR! I sat in the wheel chair. Oh I guess free admission. Oh free sweets too! I grabbed the stick thing and I chewed it. Hey! You can chew it forever! This is fun! And then it happened. - AH LUCIUS YOUR HAIR! IT'S, IT'S. COVERED IN THE NEVER ENDING CHEWY STUFF! AND IT WON'T COME OUT! - OH MY GOD! VOLDEMORT! MYLORD! MY HAIR! @#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY BEAUTIFUL LONG BLONDE HAIR! - Shave it off!- NOOO!!!- Lucius's head was now bald. - AH! - Let's move on now shall we?- We are first off to the giraffe's. GEOFFREY WASSUP MAN? HOW YOU BEEN?! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE FOREVER! Eh. we can catch up later. And moving on! Next the elephants. AH! MOTHER OF PEARL! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT STENCH?! AHHH!!!! MACNAIR IT FARTED ON YOU! THOSE WANNABEES! HORRIBLE! NOW I KNOW OF ANOTHER TORTURE ITEM! WHAT A COMPLETE UTTERLY GOOD AND BAD BONUS! Yes. and moving on. Here you might want to use this muggle cologne Macnair. Here Snape will put it on for you.- GET THAT CRAP OFF OF ME! - KABOOM! - ouch.- Snape I think that might have been gas. And since your hair is so greasy. when Macnair dumped it back on your head it exploded and created a FIRE! SAVE THE ANIMALS! - Eh who really gives a crap. Still, moving on. (Ignoring the flame on Snape's head, no notice.) Now to the reptile house. AWW! MY SNAKIE POO'S! Slither around on me all you want honey buns! ALOHOMORA! Aww look Lucius has a new hairpiece! I just may keep you and call you pookiekins! Now snake. ware were you on the night of today? That's okay, take your time. Now they will all pay those muggle snake lovers! Crabbe, get out those explosives! -Puff, puff, puff- KABOOM! IT'S RAINING SNAKE GUTS! HALEYLUIA!- And next stop. The Chimpanzee's. - OO EE AA AA! - AH SHUT UP YOU STUPID ANIMAL AND STOP FOLLOWING ME! - Now now Macnair. You know that the monkey's like to follow horrible smells! STUPID!!!!!!!! I just had to do it.. I swung the monkey. And it died of shock. Although I am beginning to think the stench finally got past his nostril and into his brain. pah! figures! Everyone put corks over their noses. Even MACNAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY! YOU'RE STINKING US ALL UP! AND NOW IT WILL TAKE WEEKS FOR ALL OF US TO FEEL NORMAL EVEN IF WE WASH IN PERFUME!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S MAKE THAT ELEPHANT PAY! - GIMME THAT CLOSEST WHALE! I threw the whale and all the elephants died knocked out winded. And even the whale did. But that was because it landed in the crap pile. - Well. uh I think that leaves it pretty much for my birthday today. I am pretty pooped out. And I think my spine just cracked in half. Help... A little assistance please? Except one more thing. First lets go to McDonald's and get a McFlurry for only a dollar!- We Walked in to McDonald's and everyone in there vacated because of our stench! OOH YUM! They must know that its my birthday so they gave me space and a free ice cream! Well it's past my bed time. It is exactly 2:00 PM, and I woke up at 11:45. I gotta sleep the rest of the day. I will burn you next time I need you. (Preferably late at night so we can have another contest ;) .)
N/N: Okay well this is only the first chapter. Let me know what the next journey should be. I'm fresh out of ideas. But I know it has to be more centered on Snape and Voldie and drugs together. They have to get drunk, or stoned or something like that. Thanks for reading! And may you have enough dry underwear. REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW! And please no flames...