A/N: Hey everyone! I like this chapter except most of this holds inside
jokes. But it will only look like random things for the readers who don't
know me. Yerss! This will be great! lmao! But I warn you this chapter is
very inappropriate! I dedicate this chapter to my two true doughnut sisters-
Trish, and Riley (--- Twin.)
I hope in this chapter I do not offend anyone in any way. I am not making
fun of anything. If you are offended it has nothing to do with what you are
offended by because this was not meant to offend you. Please remember
that...
Disclaimer: I do not own Voldemort or any of the death-eaters or the company names. But I own Jerald and Herbert.
Part One: Who in the hell is Jerald?
Voldemort woke up one bright and sunny morning. It was glorious! The sun was pouring through the window and frying his face. The thing is, with Voldie, the sun does funny things to his body. Needless to say, he usually doesn't notice things at his old age.
He walked out of bed and into the bathroom. He did the normal stuff. Well... 'normal' in his eyes. And his eyes aren't that great anymore by the way. He crapped on the 'crapper' for a little over an hour. He took his normal bath in pepto bismol, as he insists. He then took his cane so he could make the long walk to the next room, the kitchen, to take his special pill. His pill along with mine, is viagra. He always insists... He claims it makes him go faster in the day. He sometimes adds that he also hopes to get 'lucky' and doesn't want to loose his 'charm' and 'special touch'. "AHH! SHUT UP! I DON'T NEED AN INTRO!" 'Who am I you may ask?' Why, I am Jerald. Just Jerald. I am a 57 year old male from Tahiti. I like to go to the all men night clubs and find hot guys. I just so happened to run into Voldie-poo there. 'My physical description?' Well... I am medium-tall height. Rather ran from living in Tahiti. I have long strawberry blonde, permed, hair. (thanks to trish, my shopping and makeover advisor.) Tomorrow I get breast implants. I wanted them and Voldie-poo liked the idea on me too.
You may be thinking about out relationship. Well we do have a 'fling' going on. But we also see other men/women. I have another special... umm... er... 'partner.' His name is Herbert. He sometimes erm... 'spends the night.' He is my 'good friend' as well. Voldie will sometimes have a girl or two over sometimes a guy. But it's normally just him, me, and Herbert, and of course the oh-so-faithful-frying pan. (The frying pan is our.. erm.. 'special toy'. It gets er... 'white' and erm.. 'sticky' ... erm... if you get my drift. It is crusty now... Please do remind me to get several new pans...) Of course he has his death-eaters over for fun every so often too.
I have had wonderful adventures ever since I have met the wonderful, carefree, great spirited, guy he is. You should see how sentimental he can be sometimes. One time that sexy Snape dude came over and had a break down because some lousy Harry Potter stole his pink bunny slippers from him. He claims that he could always talk to them for comfort, trust, and nice cuddly fun. Voldie-poo got so wrapped up in tears that he went out and bought a new pair for Snape and one for himself.
Anway's... where was I? Yerss, Draco, (sweet-ass Malfoy's son) has joined the death-eater group. He has now used the 'poop wall' about 4 times already. The fourth time his pants got bloodied and sweet-Lucius suggested that is was his 'time of the month.'
Oh yerss, before Voldie-poo sets the house on fire, I have one more thing to clarify. My ass is very tight ad sexy. "AHH! VOLDIE! That fork does NOT go in the microwave!!!!!!!!!"
Hmmm... Can I have my story back now Jerald!? -Thank you.- Anyways... So the sun does funny things to my body, And when I saw myself in the mirror I was overly shocked. I ahd a mustache! I looked exactly like an 'older' cop! I had now decided on today's adventure. I am going to get away with being a cop today! Which can only mean three things! 1. DOUGHNUTS! 2. COFFEE! 3. Busting bad people like me's asses for absolutely NO reason! -"Did he already mention D- O-U- G- H- N- U- T- S?!" "SHUT UP, JERALD!" But yes, a copper HAS to have his doughnuts! And I'm sire I, the death- eaters, Jerald, and Herbert, just CAN'T WAIT, to wear one of those sexy, tight leather, policeman uniforms! HAH! I decided on the lucky death-eaters who could join me. Snape, Lucius, Macnair, (without the elephant shit, that took him monthes to get the smell away. He even had to try to swim in 'Beano' that wouldn't work either!) Crabber, and Goyle. YERSS! This will be so much FUN!!!!!!!!
I 'burned' my 'lucky victims' to my side as they showed up one by one. I told them of 'the plan.' "Oh! That's fabulous!" They all sang with joy. Just on good timing Herbert walked in the door with his shirt all messy, hair everywhere (except on his head), and pizza slopped all over him. "OH GOODY! HERBERT! Join the fun!" Jerald jumped for joy.
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Part Two: The Fabulous Mission-
Equipment needed for doughnut copper mission~
Empty Stomach A stapler per person Beating stick Nice, fast, cars to piss people off Mastercard (a priceless mission) Sexy Outfit Convincing policeman badges
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
We now had all of the stuff needed for the mission. Soon we would be hauling ass looking for people to piss off. Time to split up!...
8 cars- Drove out of the driveway each with all of the 'equipment' with them.
They split up, down different busy roads. Their badges and leather outfits were shining in the sun.
Just then Voldemort spotted a car with an old grandpa driving less than a mile per hour with some doughnuts on his dashboard. "AHA! My first victim!" Voldemort laughed evilly. He then beckoned the old man to pull over to the side of the road. "Young man, do you have any idea how fast you were driving?" Voldemort asked 'seriously'. "Why, no I don't. Was I driving over 100 again?" the old man asked. "Hmm..., well I might let you go but under two circumstances." Voldemort replied. "And what might those be, officer?" The old man asked. "Well, one, you drive 170 miles per hour, and two, you give me those doughnuts you got there." Voldemort was satisfied. "Oh alright, fair enough, thank you!" The old man handed the doughnuts over to voldemort. Then he started the car, and started speeding 170 miles per hour. Voldemort got in his cop car, holding all of the doughnuts and sat in the seat, closed the door, and started eating. Next thing he looks over and see's is the old man speeding and smash into a couple cars causing a domino effect. Then the old man stopped at the light and somehow crashed through his windshield, flying up and over the traffic light, landing on an old lady with a cane that was crossing the street. Voldemort laughed with triumph and sang, "That's the way, I like it." Voldemort then sped off to find another victim. He was driving down the road only to find a really sexy man doing 'the walk' across the street at the traffic light. Voldemort honked. "Oh Sexy! Come on over here, hot stuff!" Voldemort shouted out the window. The man walked over and said, "Hmm... It will cost you!" "Oh. male hooker...*cough*" Voldemort mumbled. "What do you want?" "Umm... Just those doughnuts." Voldemort was now angry. He would never even consider to give his doughnuts away just for a hooker. "No way! MY DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted in rage as he sped down the street running over the mans foot. Voldemort mumbled curse words the whole way to the 'Dunkin Doughnuts'. He needed another pick-me-up.
When he got there he noticed everyone else on the mission were coming from different directions, parking at the store. "Right on time." Voldemort chuckled. Next they all made sure they had their staplers and beating sticks with them. "LET'S GO!" Jerald shouted. "WAIT! That is my job!... Okay GO!" Voldemort confirmed. They ran in to the store unsuspicious. "How may I help you, gentlemen?" Some lady behind the counter asked. "HAND OVER YOUR DOUGHNUTS!" Lucius took over. "OR WE'LL STAPLE!" Snape added. The lady looked puzzled but amused. "NOW!" Herbert screamed. The lady just stood there and scratched her head and blinked. -Sigh.- Just then Macnair jumped up with his stapler and pressed it against her arm. -Click.- OUCH!- Macnair kept clicking everywhere. Soon everyone else was '-clicking-' all of the customers until everyone but the lady behind the counter evacuated. Suddenly, Macnair stopped. "I ran out of staples." Everyone else had too. As though everyone was thinking the same, they all took out their beating sticks and started to beat the lady. They all beated her out the door. Jerald particularly was beating her ass. (-with a beat-tune of course.-) The lady finally got in her car with staples on her still, and drove away.
"YERSS! FREE DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted with glee. They all ran behind the counter, took turns getting coffee, and grabbed all the doughnuts they could. Even Hervert and Jerald grabbed each others' nuts' (---- if you get what I mean- hint: hint: wink: wink-) Jerald, of course, shoved three doughnuts on each side under his shirt in just the right place. "Hmm... Do you think this is a good size for my implants?" Jerald asked Voldemort and Herbert. "Oh, don't worry I will eat them later." They sat around and ate all of the doughnuts and drank all of the coffee until there was no more. (Except for the 6 under Jerald's shirt being saved for later...) Crabbe and Goyle took turns burping, Snape and Lucius held hands for a moment (not quite sure why...) and Herbert and Jerald were playing footsy under the table. Then suddenly I heard shouting come nearer... There was an angry mob of people after us. So we charged out the window, breaking the glass, and setting off the alarm, we all hauled ass into our cars just in time. We drove over to the mob and ran some people over for fun. Then we sped full speed home where I got to my driveway and suddenly stopped, causing me to crash into my garage door. Then everyone crashed into my back of the car and other's backs. Just like the other domino effect. But before I got to do anything I fell asleep sitting up in my car. I was exhausted for an old man. Pooped. Drained. -Until the next adventure- A triumphant crab scuttled down the sidewalk and walked into Voldemort's house with Lucius and Snape staring at it evilly. "UNTIL NEXT TIME, CRABBLER!" They shouted together.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------
About the next chapter: It is about Voldemort trying to housekeep, especially mow the lawn. And in between he will get trouble with the mysterious, but awesome, crab! (Known as crabbler.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------
A/N: How did you guys like this one? I had to change the rating up because of this... LOL! But I love it... lol this next chapter will be just as good I can assure you... But don't expect to get it for a while unfortunately. I WANT REVIEWS! LOL! ~Always~ Jenna~
Disclaimer: I do not own Voldemort or any of the death-eaters or the company names. But I own Jerald and Herbert.
Part One: Who in the hell is Jerald?
Voldemort woke up one bright and sunny morning. It was glorious! The sun was pouring through the window and frying his face. The thing is, with Voldie, the sun does funny things to his body. Needless to say, he usually doesn't notice things at his old age.
He walked out of bed and into the bathroom. He did the normal stuff. Well... 'normal' in his eyes. And his eyes aren't that great anymore by the way. He crapped on the 'crapper' for a little over an hour. He took his normal bath in pepto bismol, as he insists. He then took his cane so he could make the long walk to the next room, the kitchen, to take his special pill. His pill along with mine, is viagra. He always insists... He claims it makes him go faster in the day. He sometimes adds that he also hopes to get 'lucky' and doesn't want to loose his 'charm' and 'special touch'. "AHH! SHUT UP! I DON'T NEED AN INTRO!" 'Who am I you may ask?' Why, I am Jerald. Just Jerald. I am a 57 year old male from Tahiti. I like to go to the all men night clubs and find hot guys. I just so happened to run into Voldie-poo there. 'My physical description?' Well... I am medium-tall height. Rather ran from living in Tahiti. I have long strawberry blonde, permed, hair. (thanks to trish, my shopping and makeover advisor.) Tomorrow I get breast implants. I wanted them and Voldie-poo liked the idea on me too.
You may be thinking about out relationship. Well we do have a 'fling' going on. But we also see other men/women. I have another special... umm... er... 'partner.' His name is Herbert. He sometimes erm... 'spends the night.' He is my 'good friend' as well. Voldie will sometimes have a girl or two over sometimes a guy. But it's normally just him, me, and Herbert, and of course the oh-so-faithful-frying pan. (The frying pan is our.. erm.. 'special toy'. It gets er... 'white' and erm.. 'sticky' ... erm... if you get my drift. It is crusty now... Please do remind me to get several new pans...) Of course he has his death-eaters over for fun every so often too.
I have had wonderful adventures ever since I have met the wonderful, carefree, great spirited, guy he is. You should see how sentimental he can be sometimes. One time that sexy Snape dude came over and had a break down because some lousy Harry Potter stole his pink bunny slippers from him. He claims that he could always talk to them for comfort, trust, and nice cuddly fun. Voldie-poo got so wrapped up in tears that he went out and bought a new pair for Snape and one for himself.
Anway's... where was I? Yerss, Draco, (sweet-ass Malfoy's son) has joined the death-eater group. He has now used the 'poop wall' about 4 times already. The fourth time his pants got bloodied and sweet-Lucius suggested that is was his 'time of the month.'
Oh yerss, before Voldie-poo sets the house on fire, I have one more thing to clarify. My ass is very tight ad sexy. "AHH! VOLDIE! That fork does NOT go in the microwave!!!!!!!!!"
Hmmm... Can I have my story back now Jerald!? -Thank you.- Anyways... So the sun does funny things to my body, And when I saw myself in the mirror I was overly shocked. I ahd a mustache! I looked exactly like an 'older' cop! I had now decided on today's adventure. I am going to get away with being a cop today! Which can only mean three things! 1. DOUGHNUTS! 2. COFFEE! 3. Busting bad people like me's asses for absolutely NO reason! -"Did he already mention D- O-U- G- H- N- U- T- S?!" "SHUT UP, JERALD!" But yes, a copper HAS to have his doughnuts! And I'm sire I, the death- eaters, Jerald, and Herbert, just CAN'T WAIT, to wear one of those sexy, tight leather, policeman uniforms! HAH! I decided on the lucky death-eaters who could join me. Snape, Lucius, Macnair, (without the elephant shit, that took him monthes to get the smell away. He even had to try to swim in 'Beano' that wouldn't work either!) Crabber, and Goyle. YERSS! This will be so much FUN!!!!!!!!
I 'burned' my 'lucky victims' to my side as they showed up one by one. I told them of 'the plan.' "Oh! That's fabulous!" They all sang with joy. Just on good timing Herbert walked in the door with his shirt all messy, hair everywhere (except on his head), and pizza slopped all over him. "OH GOODY! HERBERT! Join the fun!" Jerald jumped for joy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Part Two: The Fabulous Mission-
Equipment needed for doughnut copper mission~
Empty Stomach A stapler per person Beating stick Nice, fast, cars to piss people off Mastercard (a priceless mission) Sexy Outfit Convincing policeman badges
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
We now had all of the stuff needed for the mission. Soon we would be hauling ass looking for people to piss off. Time to split up!...
8 cars- Drove out of the driveway each with all of the 'equipment' with them.
They split up, down different busy roads. Their badges and leather outfits were shining in the sun.
Just then Voldemort spotted a car with an old grandpa driving less than a mile per hour with some doughnuts on his dashboard. "AHA! My first victim!" Voldemort laughed evilly. He then beckoned the old man to pull over to the side of the road. "Young man, do you have any idea how fast you were driving?" Voldemort asked 'seriously'. "Why, no I don't. Was I driving over 100 again?" the old man asked. "Hmm..., well I might let you go but under two circumstances." Voldemort replied. "And what might those be, officer?" The old man asked. "Well, one, you drive 170 miles per hour, and two, you give me those doughnuts you got there." Voldemort was satisfied. "Oh alright, fair enough, thank you!" The old man handed the doughnuts over to voldemort. Then he started the car, and started speeding 170 miles per hour. Voldemort got in his cop car, holding all of the doughnuts and sat in the seat, closed the door, and started eating. Next thing he looks over and see's is the old man speeding and smash into a couple cars causing a domino effect. Then the old man stopped at the light and somehow crashed through his windshield, flying up and over the traffic light, landing on an old lady with a cane that was crossing the street. Voldemort laughed with triumph and sang, "That's the way, I like it." Voldemort then sped off to find another victim. He was driving down the road only to find a really sexy man doing 'the walk' across the street at the traffic light. Voldemort honked. "Oh Sexy! Come on over here, hot stuff!" Voldemort shouted out the window. The man walked over and said, "Hmm... It will cost you!" "Oh. male hooker...*cough*" Voldemort mumbled. "What do you want?" "Umm... Just those doughnuts." Voldemort was now angry. He would never even consider to give his doughnuts away just for a hooker. "No way! MY DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted in rage as he sped down the street running over the mans foot. Voldemort mumbled curse words the whole way to the 'Dunkin Doughnuts'. He needed another pick-me-up.
When he got there he noticed everyone else on the mission were coming from different directions, parking at the store. "Right on time." Voldemort chuckled. Next they all made sure they had their staplers and beating sticks with them. "LET'S GO!" Jerald shouted. "WAIT! That is my job!... Okay GO!" Voldemort confirmed. They ran in to the store unsuspicious. "How may I help you, gentlemen?" Some lady behind the counter asked. "HAND OVER YOUR DOUGHNUTS!" Lucius took over. "OR WE'LL STAPLE!" Snape added. The lady looked puzzled but amused. "NOW!" Herbert screamed. The lady just stood there and scratched her head and blinked. -Sigh.- Just then Macnair jumped up with his stapler and pressed it against her arm. -Click.- OUCH!- Macnair kept clicking everywhere. Soon everyone else was '-clicking-' all of the customers until everyone but the lady behind the counter evacuated. Suddenly, Macnair stopped. "I ran out of staples." Everyone else had too. As though everyone was thinking the same, they all took out their beating sticks and started to beat the lady. They all beated her out the door. Jerald particularly was beating her ass. (-with a beat-tune of course.-) The lady finally got in her car with staples on her still, and drove away.
"YERSS! FREE DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted with glee. They all ran behind the counter, took turns getting coffee, and grabbed all the doughnuts they could. Even Hervert and Jerald grabbed each others' nuts' (---- if you get what I mean- hint: hint: wink: wink-) Jerald, of course, shoved three doughnuts on each side under his shirt in just the right place. "Hmm... Do you think this is a good size for my implants?" Jerald asked Voldemort and Herbert. "Oh, don't worry I will eat them later." They sat around and ate all of the doughnuts and drank all of the coffee until there was no more. (Except for the 6 under Jerald's shirt being saved for later...) Crabbe and Goyle took turns burping, Snape and Lucius held hands for a moment (not quite sure why...) and Herbert and Jerald were playing footsy under the table. Then suddenly I heard shouting come nearer... There was an angry mob of people after us. So we charged out the window, breaking the glass, and setting off the alarm, we all hauled ass into our cars just in time. We drove over to the mob and ran some people over for fun. Then we sped full speed home where I got to my driveway and suddenly stopped, causing me to crash into my garage door. Then everyone crashed into my back of the car and other's backs. Just like the other domino effect. But before I got to do anything I fell asleep sitting up in my car. I was exhausted for an old man. Pooped. Drained. -Until the next adventure- A triumphant crab scuttled down the sidewalk and walked into Voldemort's house with Lucius and Snape staring at it evilly. "UNTIL NEXT TIME, CRABBLER!" They shouted together.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------
About the next chapter: It is about Voldemort trying to housekeep, especially mow the lawn. And in between he will get trouble with the mysterious, but awesome, crab! (Known as crabbler.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------
A/N: How did you guys like this one? I had to change the rating up because of this... LOL! But I love it... lol this next chapter will be just as good I can assure you... But don't expect to get it for a while unfortunately. I WANT REVIEWS! LOL! ~Always~ Jenna~