Chapter the Fourth
A/N: I love making the characters of ER act stupid. Its fun.
Thanks to my faithful reviewers, you know who you are.
What's been going on: The crew is at Lizzie's mother's house, just in time for tea.
Luka is the almighty king of ERland, Queen Susan's drunk on root beer; Abby's not drunk on root beer and is a know-it-all, Romano has a taser, Elizabeth is going to have a breakdown, Pratt…I mean The Rhymer is an idiot, Gallant is uptight and Jing-Mei has been mauled by a Lassie look alike. All is right with the world.
The gang of County walks into a house so big it makes Gamma's seem pathetic.
Luka is whining about that. He has Carter's lines, remember? I can't see Luka whining. Luka broods.
They are all standing in a large foyer complete with a crystal chandelier and priceless marble statues on narrow columns.
Romano: Well well Lizzie, this is certainly…nice
Gallant: Wow, how much are you worth?
Romano: She's worth a lot more –
Elizabeth: Not much…a few hundred….million
*seven jaws drop to the floor*
Abby: And you and Dr. Greene were going to get married?
Elizabeth: Why yes, if it wasn't for that thing with his head…bloody thing
Abby: You could have just bought a new boyfriend! Like, the prince or somebody
Elizabeth: I could have. Oh, why does everything bad happen to me?
The Rhymer: Roses be red
Violets be blue
Mark loved Lizzie
And she loved him too
Elizabeth: Right, I was supposed to be in love with him. You'll just never understand Abby. I was in love
Abby: And I'm not?
*Luka looks lost.*
Luka: Do I play Carter or Myself here? How is there supposed to be competitiveness if I can only be one of them?
Mandi: I'm sick of you trying to get Abby. She's not that –
Abby: Copyright. Episode title 'The longer you stay' Luka states that I am neither pretty nor special, but I am, so he's a liar
Luka: Am not!
Abby: Yes you are!
Luka: No I'm not!
Abby: Yes you are
Luka: No I'm not
Mandi: Yes you are. So shutup and read Carters script
Luka: Okay.
*Meanwhile, Queen Susan has wandered off down a hallway. She spots a suit of armor on the wall. Glancing over her shoulder, she hiccups and steps closer to the metal.*
Jing-Mei: I hate to be a burden to everyone, but will somebody please call off this deranged dog?
Isabelle: Don't worry, he doesn't bite. His name is Lad.
Jing-Mei: Oh good, he doesn't bite.
*Suddenly, clanking is heard from the hall*
Queen Susan: Ooo, check me out! I'm Lucy Knight!
Luka: *searching through piles of script* Lu-cy…wahhhh! She's dead! My med student is dead!
The Rhymer: Hey Carter
You're sure not smarter
You can't remember her name
That plot was lame
It would have been funner
If there was a gunner
And he took over the ER
Then you'd be the star
But all stars die
The gunner would try –
Mandi: Enough.
Queen Susan: This metal is heavy…*she starts to tip over*
Gallant: I will save you, fair maiden! *He catches her*
Queen Susan: Oh Gallant, you are so gallant! Put the amour on, you can be a Knight now!
Luka: Lucy…
*Gallant puts the metal on. He looks good.*
Romano, using a sword from his wonder arm: I dub thee Sir Gallant the Brave
Sir Gallant the Brave: Cool. I need a horse.
A horse appears. He has big brown eyes.
Mandi: There you go. It was a Cart-er horse, but it's a riding one now.
Cart-er Horse: Neigh?
Sir Gallant the Brave: Onward, mighty stallion
Cart-er Horse: My contract states that I don't have to listen to med students.
Mandi: Hmm?
Cart-er Horse: I mean, neigh.
Abby: That horse looks familiar…nah, that must be the root beer talking
Queen Susan: You said it, sister! Hiccup!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Tis a beautiful night for a ol' drink o' rum
Romano: Sorry, I left my Old English to English dictionary at home. Lizzie, will you translate?
Elizabeth: He wants some beer
Abby: So do I
The Rhymer: She does hear
He wants to ride his steer
To the beer
Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance we shall taste yonder tea?
Elizabeth: He says that we're having tea.
Luka: Hmmph, Gamma used to serve us coffee. For the millennium. Who drinks tea?
Elizabeth: apparently, we do.
So, Luka leads the way to the sitting room. Sir Gallant the Brave is next, shining in armor and leading the Cart-er Horse, who is followed by Abby, who's insisting she's seen this horse somewhere. Queen Susan is skipping along drunkenly and Jing-Mei is following, dragging Lad who has his jaws clamped on her foot. Puppy is following them. Elizabeth is looking for an escape route and Romano is trying to get the jets in his Super Arm to turn off. The Rhymer is still rhyming.
*****
Now they are seated at a table, with steaming cups of tea.
Elizabeth: The key to drinking tea is to be very elegant, you know, pinkies up!
Cart-er Horse: Uh.
Elizabeth: Try to sip slowly and – No, that's not right!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Pardon my asking maiden, but I do believe that tea cannot go through metal, and ergo I shan't have this tea.
Abby: Dr. Romano, Dr. Romano! I think Cart-er horse is addicted to tea!
*Cart-er horse is snuffing the tea from his Teabucket at incredible speed.*
Elizabeth: That's the spirit, Cart-er Horse! At least somebody likes tea.
Cart-er Horse: Yeah, yeah, I do like tea. I like it a lot!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Steer o' mine, if it pleases ye to have some tea-
The Rhymer: Hey, that's my job! I'm The Rhymer!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Quit being such a peckerwood, yer' Rhymes are that of a child's, and if it pleases ye to act like such an oaf, then by all means, continue to be an oaf
The Rhyming Oaf: If it pleases ye
To have some tea
Steer o' mine
Then I'll let it be
Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance ye be court jester?
Elizabeth: Hey, we're not in the medieval times here
Queen Susan: That why, hiccup!, am I the queen?
Mandi: Chapter two
Queen Susan: right! *Queen Susan stands up and waves her cup around. Some steaming hot tea hits Jing-Mei in the eye*
Queen Susan: I pronounce that we say a toaster to our hostess, Elizabeth, for being such a good pal. Hey, hiccup, here's to you!
*everyone raises their teacups*
Jing-Mei: Ow! I'm hurt here! I need immediate medical attention!
Luka: Stop complaining! Only I may do that! Oh, my med student…
*Romano is playing around with his Arm from The Future. He hits a button that says 'project lightsaver.' Alas, the lightsaver shoots out and manages to hit a teacup that falls into Abby's lap.
Abby: That was my tea! You imbecile! *Abby jumps up on the table, picks up the whine bottle and smashes it, so that it is now a dangerous weapon*
Abby: Wine. There's nothing it can't do. Now come here Mr. Darth Vader Wannabe!
Mandi: Hey Abby, did I just hear you say a copyright?
Abby: Oh my. Disclaimer: Darth Vader belongs to that movie/show/thing, Star Wars.
Mandi: Good Girl. Here's a biscuit.
Abby: Too bad I can't dip it in my tea! Come here Vader!
Darth Vader: *heavy breathing* Luka, I am your father
Luka: Really?
Darth Vader: Yes
Luka: Wow. That's a surprising new twist.
*Abby and Darth Vader fight. Darth Vader's lightsaver manages to smash into the marble bust of Elizabeth's Great Uncle Henry. Abby manages to break the chandelier.*
Isabelle: Well, you certainly have very *active* friends
Elizabeth: Yes, I suppose I do.
We fade back to see the whole scene. It looks like a zoo. Luka is pondering about his new father. Romano a.k.a Darth Vader and Abby are fighting over some spilt tea. You can't cry over spilt milk, but spilt tea?....that's a different story.
Jing-Mei is looking a little pale as Lad and Puppy discuss different techniques of attack. Queen Susan is swaying and both she and the Cart-er horse are fighting over the Teabucket. Sir Gallant the Brave is looking brave, and a bit thirsty. The Rhymer is still puzzling over life's greatest question, why is there no rhyme for orange? Elizabeth is going to have an aneurism.
A/N: Funny, huh? R&R!