Chapter the fifth
A/N: Wahoo! I made it to chapter five! It's all thanks to you reviewers. I feed off your words. You have all been incredibly kind.
What's up? Luka has a new father. His name is Darth Vader. He looks surprisingly like a sarcastic know-it-all, no not Abby, whose name rhymes with 'wordano' Sort of. The Rhyming Oaf can come up with something better. I'm tired. My brain hurts.
Darth Vader and Abby are fighting over some tea that has long since been snuffed by the Cart-er Horse. Queen Susan is still hyper. She is the queen, after all.
Jing-Mei is humming the Barney Song, but she's lost a lot of blood, so it sort of sounds like 'row row row your boat' and the ER theme song smushed together. She is self-suturing herself. Lad and Puppy are eating biscuits. Sir Gallant the Brave is being brave. Isabelle Corday is watching as the candle tips over and the velvet curtains catch on fire. She has a delighted look on her face as Queen Susan cranks up 'Wild thing' (not owned by me) on the eight million dollar stereo set. In her drunken state, the song becomes 'tiled wing'. The Rhyming Oaf looks like he's doing rap, which is not in his contract. I promptly tie his arms behind his back and force him to read this dialogue. He's freaking out. Just kidding. I would never tie his arms behind his back. Not without doing his legs too.
Darth Vader: Luka! Your girlfriend is trying to kill me! I am your father.
Luka: Really?
Darth Vader: I already said yes, idiot.
Luka: That's a surprising new twist
Abby: You already said that too
Luka: Uh, sorry. I'm reading my script. Apparently Carter repeats himself a lot
Mandi: Nope. I'm just trying to refresh everybody's memories
Abby: They're not fools
Mandi: I know, but I'm being polite
Abby: You wouldn't have to refresh people if you hadn't taken so long getting this done
Mandi: I'm sorry, but I had to work around a major heat wave in my house, the fact that the internet stopped working for a week, the fact that I'm a slow typer and the fact that I'm bored with all the characters
Abby: How can you be bored with us?
Mandi: It's easy
Abby: Tell me
Mandi: No
Abby: Tell me!
Mandi: No!
Abby: Fine.
Darth Vader: Hello? I'm still here
Abby: Right! *They keep fighting*
*Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to put out the fire in the curtains with his armor. It has melted to him.*
*A painting falls to the ground*
Elizabeth: Mother, uh, do you, uh, want us to leave?
Isabelle: Why would I want that?
*A butler screams. Glass breaks. Cart-er Horse has his hoof stuck in a glass vase. He shakes it off. It hits Jing-Mei's head with a strange hollow noise.*
Jing-Mei: Ow! My head hurts.
Abby: Too many strikes to the head can kill healthy brain cells and result in brain damage *She hits Darth Vader over the head with a wine glass*
Darth Vader: Too bad that doesn't hurt. I'm wearing like 300 pounds of costume here. I am Darth Vader.
*Abby throws a glass. Abby throws a bottle. Abby throws a chair. Abby throws a table. Abby must have been working out.*
*Darth Vader just stands there and notes that his Lightsaver needs to be shined. Everything has to be perfect; this is Darth Vader we're talking about.
Jing-Mei: Me loose brain cells? That's unpossible.
Abby: The word is impossible.
Mandi: I've had enough of your Booksmarts, Ms Know-it-all.
Abby: Booksmarts is not a word
Mandi: Yes it is
Abby: No it's not
Mandi: Yes it is
Abby: No it's not. The word you are searching for is intelligent.
Mandi: Come again?
Abby: Intellectual, logical, bright, clever
Mandi: Booksmarts
Abby: That's not a word!
*Abby stops fighting with Darth Vader. Darth Vader goes off in search of Lightsaver Polish. He finds it in a big cupboard along with a bottle of Emmy Polish that has never been opened. He also finds a solid gold bottle cap and bronze toothpicks. Looking around, he pockets those. Darth Vader needn't be cheap when there are bronze toothpicks around.
Abby picks up a book titled 'Alone and Depressed: How to deal. By Abby Lockhart' I don't think that will be very good. She casts it aside and pulls out another one, 'So You Think Your Boyfriend is a Horse. By Abby Lockhart' she tosses that over her shoulder. She picks up a third 'Moping: The Abby Lockhart Story.' Guess who it's by. It is 9869 pages thick, and when she tosses it over her shoulder, it manages to hit Jing-Mei, who is wondering how she got the name 'Deb' in the first place.
Abby takes out another book, called 'THE Dictionary.' It makes Webster's Dictionary look like Pat the Bunny (I don't own that).*
Mandi: When did you write all those?
Abby: On the trip over here. What did you expect me to do? Play magnetic checkers with Queen Susan? I think not.
Mandi: Why are you so smart?
Abby: *opening the dictionary* I was always smart. The writers just made me look stupid. As my brother said in episode titled 'Insurrection', I am smarter than most of the people here. I AM smarter that ALL of the people here.
Mandi: *studying her nails* really. You don't say.
Abby: But I did say. I just did.
Mandi: Sorry I wasn't listening
Abby: It's okay. I just said that I was smart
Mandi: Pardon? Sorry, I wasn't listening
Abby: I said I am smart!
Mandi: What?
Abby: I.Am.Smart!
Mandi: Oh cool. You wouldn't know it. Just because somebody writes four books doesn't make them a genius. I wrote this fanfiction. And apparently I'm not a genius.
Abby: I rewrote the dictionary, I put it into six different languages, I wrote new meanings, devoted a section to grammar and another to spelling. My dictionary has a thesaurus too.
Mandi: Find me a word that means 'arrogant know-it-all'
Abby: It says here…Abby.
Mandi: You're right. You are a genius.
Abby: I even wrote down some medical terms in the back.
Mandi: How would you feel if I changed your name to 'Ms Know-It-All?'
Ms Know-It-All: I don't like the name, but the meaning is correct and therefore, you may use it.
Mandi: Thanks.
Darth Vader comes back. His Lightsaver and helmet are surprisingly shiny, and his boots are made of gold. His gloves have rhinestones on them.
Elizabeth: My, Darth Vader, you sure are…shiny
Darth Vader: Lizzie! Are you accusing me of stealing from your cabinet marked 'priceless items: do not touch'?
Elizabeth: No…
Darth Vader: *Looking at the mess that once was a house* Hmm, I think it's time for us to leave. All in favour of leaving say 'Aye' all against leaving say 'Nay'
Luka: Aye
Ms Know-It-All: Aye
Queen Susan: Hiccup! Aye
Sir Gallant the Brave: Aye
Jing-Mei: I
Elizabeth: Aye
The Rhyming Oaf: Aye!
Sky!
Pie!
Cart-er Horse: Neigh
*Everybody looks at Cart-er horse*
Luka: Do you want to become dog food?
*Puppy and Lad look up*
Cart-er Horse: Neigh! Neigh!!
Luka: Then say Aye
Cart-er Horse: Neigh
Luka: Say AYE!
Cart-er Horse: NEIGH!
Luka: A-Y-E
Cart-er Horse: N-E-I-G-H!
Ms Know-It-All: My proposition is that Cart-er Horse is a horse and therefore cannot speak.
Cart-er Horse: Neigh.
Luka: Stomp once if you want to leave
*Cart-er Horse does as he is told. He manages to step on Jing-Mei*
Jing-Mei: Ah! Me is hurt!
Queen Susan: Aw, isn't that cute? Cart-er Horse knows what you're saying! Give him a treat!
Cart-er Horse: neigh
Queen Susan: Aww! A horse that can understand people.
Cart-er Horse: NEIGH! Neigh!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Queen, tis an intelligent horse. Methinks that you are in love?
Ms Know-It-All: Back off Queenie. He's mine. Even if he's a…horse
Queen Susan: You use and abuse! You only want him because I do!
Ms Know-It-All: No.
Queen Susan: Fine. I don't want him.
Ms Know-It-All: Me neither
Queen Susan: No, wait, yes I do!
Ms Know-It-All: Me too!
The Rhyming Oaf: The Queen and the Genius want the Horse
Because it is Carter, of course, of course
Luka: I though I was Carter
Ms Know-It-All: He's my boyfriend…horsefriend!
Queen Susan: I was here first!
Ms Know-It-All: Nuh-uh!
Darth Vader: Cat fight
Jing-Mei: Meow
*Suddenly, a boxing ring appears. The lights dim. *
Mandi: Welcome to the infamous boxing arena at Lizzie's House!
*Wild Clapping*
Mandi: Today's fight: Who will get to be with the Cart-er Horse, who, although a horse still attracts all the attention and takes it all away from Luka!? In the red corner, we have… Ms Know-It-All!
*Wild Clapping*
And in the blue corner, we have Queen Susan!
*Wild Clapping*
Mandi: When the bell rings, these two suitors will fight for the Horse
Cart-er Horse: Neigh!!!! Neigh!!!
*He tries to get away but Sir Gallant the Brave won't let him go*
Bell: Ding!
Mandi: It looks like Queen Susan is off to a jumping star and, oh look! Ms Know-it-all has knocked out Queen Susan with a dictionary! The horror! But wait, Queen Susan was only pretending to be dead. But, she's a little drunk, and is having a hard time standing…oh; she just fell on Ms Know-it-all! The shock! They are calling each other rude names…I think. Is obtuse a bad word?
Ms Know-it-all: Obtuse means thick-headed, dull
Mandi: Stupid?
Ms Know-it-all: Why, yes.
Mandi: I see. And Queen Susan is calling Ms Know-it-all a…what's that? Oh, hum, this is G rated. So I'll replace the words. Let's see. I'll replace all the bad words with puppy.
Queen Susan: You puppy! Puppy puppy you puppy!
Ms Know-it-all: Puppy you!
Queen Susan: Puppy! Come puppy here you puppy puppy!
Ms Know-it-all: Take this, puppy! And put it puppy puppy!
Queen Susan: Puppy this!
Ms Know-it-all: Puppy! Puppy! You puppy puppy puppy!
Queen Susan: Puppy. OW! Puppy PUPPY!
Mandi: It's amazing. After using the word 'puppy' 21 times, it has lost all meaning. I'm not sure what it means anymore. When you say it 21 times fast, it's funny!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Shall I restrain them? We shan't have war in yonder Victorian Mansion. Methinks there be glass breakables and priceless items.
Elizabeth: Sure.
Jing-Mei: Me gets the hose!
*Water comes from everywhere, drenching the fighters. Queen Susan's tiara floats away. It was okay, because it was stolen. Ms Know-it-all's books get a little soggy.*
Ms Know-it-all: You got my books wet!
Queen Susan: My tiara is gone!
Luka: It's okay Queen Susan; you're not the real queen
Queen Susan: Yes I am
Luka: No you're not
Queen Susan: Yes I am
Luka: No, you're not. I am the queen.
*Surprised looks*
Ms Know-it-all: Uh, I…Um, there's nothing to say to that.
Darth Vader: Is there something we should know?
Luka: No. It says in my script.
Mandi: That's right
Luka: Is it a typo?
Mandi: No
Luka: Are you sure?
Mandi: Quite.
Luka: Well, I don't want to read this script anymore. I'm holding a rebellion!
Mandi: Sorry, that's been done. Carter already did that.
Luka: There's just no room for Carter's shadow, is there? I toil and work and he gets the girl, he gets the credit, he gets all the lines! So I don't care! I'm holding a rebellion!
Queen Susan: Me too!
Ms Know-it-all: Me too!
Norma Rae: Me too!
Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance me ask thee, how did you get here?
Norma Rae: I don't know
Luka: You see? It's all because of these scripts!
Norma Rae: That's it! Rebel! Rebel!
Luka: I hate this script! Darth Vader is not my father! Ms Know-it-all is not smart! Queen Susan is not the Queen!!!
Mandi: If you don't like it, why don't you do something?
Luka: I am!
Mandi: what?
Luka: I'm…uh, making a point!
*Everyone just stands there. Tumbleweed blows by. Jing-Mei coughs. Luka rustles the scripts. Cart-er Horse stomps a hoof.*
Mandi: Good point Luka.
Luka: Fine, I'll read the script!
Norma Rae: Where am I?
Elizabeth: England.
Norma Rae: Cool.
Darth Vader: We're leaving now. We get to go back to Chicago. Want to come with?
Norma Rae: Sure!
Luka: Am I still the queen?
The Queen: No. I am.
Elizabeth: Bloody hell! It's the Queen of England!
The Queen: Yes it is.
Darth Vader: Hiya. Norma Rae needs a bus partner.
The Queen: Oh, I'd be delighted to accompany you!
Norma Rae: Yea! Do you know how to play checkers?
The Queen: Know how? I'm the very best at it!
Elizabeth: Oh good Lord…
Ms Know-it-all: Why are Norma Rae and The Queen in the same story?
Luka: I told you it was these scripts.
So the troupe troops to the door. Luka, Shadow of Carter, leads the way to the yellow schoolbus. Ms Know-it-all follows him, frantically writing a complaint to the author of the dictionary (whoever that may be). Queen Susan has found that you don't need a tiara to be royally drunk. Jing-Mei is trailing behind them. Puppy trots after her. Sir Gallant the Brave is helping The Queen and Norma Rae to the bus, totally neglecting Cart-er Horse, who looks like he needs a hug. He is deprived of love.
And he won't get any love from Elizabeth, who pushes him out the door.
The Rhyming Oaf is following, pausing at the door to thank Isabelle.
The Rhyming Oaf: Farewell
It was Swell
To Dwell
In your home
Upon the Fell
Darth Vader brands him A Loser with his Cattle branding thing, and sends him out the door.
Darth Vader: *Glancing at the mess* Isabelle, I feel I need to pay for the mess. *Taking out an ivory checkbook that has the name Corday on it* He scribbles off a hasty amount with far too many zeros.
Darth Vader: Thank you for the tea. *He bows to her, grabs a vase of a narrow column, and hightails it out the door.*
*Isabelle and Lad the dog wave goodbye.*
*Darth Vader is now stuck at the end of a huge lineup. People are all pushing to get into Gus's Schoolbus.*
Darth Vader: Move it people, we're not animals!
Cart-er Horse: Neigh!
Darth Vader: Well, the rest of us aren't
Ms Know-it-all: I have come to the conclusion that we are all indeed animals.
Sir Gallant the Brave: Tis an amazing discovery m'dear, but if ye wishes to see, ye will find that nobody appears interested
* Ms Know-it-all looks around. Everyone is already on the bus*
Sir Gallant the Brave: May I escort m'lady onto this bus?
Ms Know-it-all: What lady?
*She shrugs at him and boards the bus. Sir Gallant the Brave looks flummoxed and clanks on the bus after her.
There is pandemonium on the bus. Queen Susan is passed out on the back seat, and Jing-Mei is freaking out because she wanted the backseat. Elizabeth is downing eight aspirin without water. Cart-er Horse is stuck in the aisle. He can't fit in any of the seats because he is a horse, of course. The Rhyming Oaf is tap-dancing. He tells me it's poetry for the soul. Now he is chained to the front seat. Luka is ripping the scripts apart. Or trying to. They are laminated, so that even he cannot destroy them. Norma Rae and the Queen are playing checkers. It's hard to say who won, because Norma Rae tipped over the board and demanded a mutiny against checkers. Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to move the Horse in the aisle. Ms Know-it-all is reading. Puppy is eating stuff he found under the front seat.*
Darth Vader: Everybody shutup! We have to do something with this Horse.
Cart-er Horse: Neigh
Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance we have some rope?
Gus: We do *hands him some old rope*
Sir Gallant the Brave: We'll just tie him to the roof
*Suddenly there is an explosion from the middle of the bus*
Darth Vader: What the heck's going on?
Luka: (a bit charred) I tried to burn the scripts, but the plastic reacted with the fire, and, uh, boom! Cough!
*There is a small bonfire in the middle of the bus*
Sir Gallant the Brave: What perchance we do?
Luka: Have a barbeque?
*Everyone eyes Cart-er Horse, who neighs nervously.*
The Rhyming Oaf: We'll burn the steed
And we shall feed
Darth Vader: Now, we can't eat the horse. He's much too skinny. Tie him on the roof
*Sir Gallant the Brave ties Cart-er Horse to the roof. Cart-er Horse does not look happy
When he comes back on the bus, The Queen, Jing-Mei and Darth Vader are roasting marshmallows. Jing-Mei is actually roasting a stick with a marshmallow handle*
Jing-Mei: I is gud in this
* Ms Know-it-all is about to have a breakdown*
Ms Know-it-all: There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don't want to start!
Gus: But, I do. So, if everyone would take their seats, we can go back to Chicago.
*Elizabeth is sitting by herself. Darth Vader is examining a mink coat he just had to 'borrow'. The Rhyming Oaf is chained to the seat, telling Gus that 'porridge' rhymes with 'orange'. But it doesn't, so nice try Oaf. Ms Know-it-all is reading the address book. Jing-Mei is still roasting a stick. Queen Susan is sleeping. Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to calm Luka down. Luka is throwing the laminated scripts out the window. They are rubber, then glue, so they bounce right back, and stick. Puppy is fetching them for him. Cart-er Horse is thumping from the roof. The Queen and Norma Rae are playing chess.
Ms Know-it-all: I have a question for Darth Vader
Darth Vader: Yes?
Ms Know-it-all: Is your first name Darth? Or Darth Vader? Or is that a nickname?
Darth Vader: I don't know. Darth, I guess?!?
Garth Brookes: You called?
*Everyone turns to look at the strange man who appeared on their yellow schoolbus.*
Darth Vader: I meant me, Darth. Nobody called you.
Garth Brookes: Are you sure?
Ms Know-it-all: Yes
Garth Brookes: You know there's a horse tied to your roof?
Sir Gallant the Brave: Yes we know. I tied him there myself. Tis a good job. I tied triple knots.
Crowd: OooOOOoooOO!
Ms Know-it-all: How'd you get here?
Garth Brookes: I climbed through a window
Darth Vader: Want to come with us?
Garth Brookes: *eying the fire, Norma Rae, and the Queen* Not really…
Darth Vader: I'll give you a brass cowboy hat!
Garth Brookes: Yeehah. I'm in.
*Garth Brookes sits down beside Elizabeth*
Garth Brookes: How are you, pretty lady?
*Elizabeth snarls at him*
Garth Brookes: Okay….why is Norma Rae here?
Elizabeth: Because this plot makes no sense
Big Bird: Sure it does
Elizabeth: Who the hell are you?
Big Bird: A big yellow bird. Do you have a problem with that?
Elizabeth: In England, we shoot big yellow birds
Big Bird: You shoot me; you can pay The Children's Television Workshop at PBS 13 million dollars
Elizabeth: Gladly *she takes out a rifle*
Mandi: Are you going to shoot Big Bird?
Elizabeth: Yes
Mandi: You can't shoot Big Bird! He taught me my ABC's!
Elizabeth: And?
Mandi: *shrugging* It's not Big Bird season. It's illegal to shoot.
*Big Bird sticks his tongue out at Elizabeth*
Elizabeth: When is Big Bird season?
Mandi: According to my calendar, December
Elizabeth: You and Me, December, one rifle, one bird
Big Bird: I'm busy then. I have to go to Vegas with the Ernie and Bert. We're getting some business taken care of
Elizabeth: You know Ernie and Bert? I love them!
Big Bird: Want to come with us?
Elizabeth: Okay!
Gus: We will be in Chicago in ten minutes everybody, ten minutes
*The minutes fly by. Queen Susan is in dreamworld. Darth Vader is polishing his bionic arm. Luka is building a script castle. Ms Know-it-all decided to write a journal. Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to get Jing-Mei to wake up. The Rhyming Oaf is reciting 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe. Norma Rae and Garth Brookes are in deep conversation. Elizabeth and Big Bird are laughing together. Puppy is staring out the window. Cart-er Horse is ducking to avoid tunnels.
Ten minutes later, the bus arrived back at county. Yosh and Connie watched from the window as everybody got off.
First, Luka came off, pulling a wagon with piles of scripts in it.
Then, Darth Vader?!? came out, taking off his helmet to reveal his true form…Dr. Romano!
Next, somebody in metal came off, leading a large familiar-looking horse.
Abby came next, holding a pile of books and leading Susan, who was falling over, by the hand.
Garth Brookes danced off the bus. His head was weighed down by what looked like a brass hat.
The Queen came out royally.
Elizabeth pulled a large yellow bird out of the bus. The bird hit it's head on the door frame.
Dr. Pratt came out, poetrying at the top of his lungs.
Norma Rae jumped off next.
Jing-Mei came off, covered in bandages.
Last, a scruffy Puppy jumped off.
Yosh: Some vacation
Connie: I'll say…is that The Queen?
Yosh: And Garth Brookes!!!
Connie: Next vacation they go on, I'm coming too
Yosh: You said it.
A/N: There. It is done. I didn't know how to finish, so I just…Finished. Ta Da!
Just for the record, this is the strangest thing ever. Big Bird is that six foot tall bird from Sesame Street. Ernie and Bert belong to Sesame Street too. They were the guys who lived in that house…you know? Sesame Street doesn't belong to me. Garth Brookes is a country singer. He doesn't belong to me. Norma Rae is a character from a movie based on real life. I own zippo. The Queen doesn't belong to me. Period.
That was the end of 'VacationERs, trip one.' Hope you enjoyed it. PLEASE review. If I made your day, make mine with your review. It only takes one minute.