When Jack woke up, he was sitting at his table with a large rice ball in
his hands. He had the sudden urge to shove the entire thing in his mouth,
and he did. Thinking that the house was possessed, Jack ran out of it in a
hurry. A small brown dog ran across his path, and he tripped over it and
fell face first in the dirt. 'Today doesn't seem too good so far,' thought
Jack as he dusted himself off. The little dog grabbed his overalls and
started to tear them off.
Suddenly, a girl with short brown hair ran into his farm. "Koro!" she screamed. "Get back here, you little fucker!" The girl ran up and started to beat the dog with a stick. "Hey!" said Jack. He was opposed to animal cruelty, even if the animal was trying to shred his clothing.
The girl looked up, surprised. She hadn't even noticed he was there. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, and looked into his eyes, her face resembling a hurt puppy's. "I. I don't know what came over me." She burst into tears, falling on Jack for support. 'Great,' thought Jack, 'more tearstains on my shirt.' He patted the girl's back absently.
Eventually, she stopped crying and righted herself. "I'm Ellen," she said, sniffling. "I'm so sorry. I really don't know what came over me. What's your name, sir?"
"Jack," said Jack.
"It's so nice to meet you, Jack," said Ellen. "I think I've been around my mother too long. She's always been so mean to poor Koro, and I guess it's rubbing off on me. I came running after him to take him back home. Mother doesn't want me to keep him, and I don't know what to do."
Her eyes brightened suddenly, and she looked up at Jack. "Say, will you keep Koro for me?" Jack thought for a minute, and then nodded. Ellen's face burst into a smile.
"Oh, thank you!" she cried, and wrapped her arms around Jack in a big hug. "Here, let's take Koro inside and wash his owwies," said Ellen. She reached for the dog, who promptly bit her hand.
Ellen screamed and raised her hand, about to hit the dog. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be nice to it, and lowered her hand, sighing. "I guess I deserved that," she said. Jack picked up Koro and brought him inside with Ellen following behind them.
They washed the dog, and bandaged him up. Ellen also had the bright idea of putting a muzzle on Koro, for her own safety. Koro fell asleep, partly because of exhaustion and partly because Ellen drugged him.
"He's so cute when he's asleep," she said, smiling. Jack nodded and smiled as well.
"But you're just cute all the time," she said, and hugged him, pulling his hands behind his back. A pair of handcuffs was fastened around his wrists. Jack stiffened, alarmed. 'Not another crazy rapist!' he thought, and opened his mouth to protest. His words were held back by Ellen's tongue. She forced him to the ground. Jack's eyes widened, and he looked toward Koro. Ellen removed her tongue long enough to talk to him.
"Why do you think I drugged and muzzled him?" she asked, and stuck her tongue back in his mouth. Jack felt he would puke in pure disgust. Who could save him now?
Suddenly, a little elf-like creature burst through the door. "Echmay Potato!" it cried savagely. It had green hair, a little red outfit, and a huge spear.
"Who the hell are you?" screamed Ellen.
"I Bob, Harvest Sprite of Death!"
Ellen just laughed. "Damn rats," she said.
Bob's eyes glowed red, and he lifted the spear high above his head. "Die, bitch!" he cried, and threw the spear at Ellen's head. It flew through and pinned her to the wall.
Jack's eyes widened. "It OK, Farmer Man," said the Harvest Sprite. He came over and undid the handcuffs around Jack's wrists. "Farmer mans be nice. Give Sprites mushrooms and let use house for big keg parties."
Jack smiled and nodded. 'So that's how Grandpa was so successful,' he thought.
"Farmer Man give call and tell Bob when want throw keg party. Bob bring friends, booze, and women, and be over soon." Jack smiled and rubbed his wrists.
"Bye!" said Bob, and left. Jack stood up and went over to Koro. He pulled the muzzle off of the dog and put a tiny pillow under his head. Jack looked at his dog fondly and walked out of his house.
Jack looked at his yard for the first time. It was covered with weeds, stones, tree stumps, and boulders. He decided to get to work. He worked on the overgrown mess all day, and a long time into the night. 'It's gotta be about midnight by now,' thought Jack as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He looked at his watch.
"WHAT?!?" Jack thought that his eyes must be deceiving him. "Six o'clock?" He put a hand to his head. 'I need a drink,' Jack thought. He brightened. Eve! Of course! Eve would be at the bar!
He ran off and left his farm. When he got to the crossroads minutes later, he noticed a statue of a chicken. 'It's just a chicken, but it intrigues me,' he thought. Then, Jack had an idea. He took his hammer and smashed the statue of the chicken into little pieces. A little berry fell out of it. He picked it up. "I've got a berry of the Power Tree!" he said suddenly. He shoved it into his mouth and swallowed. 'Damn it! Am I possessed?' Jack thought. He felt stronger, though, so being possessed couldn't be too bad. Jack continued on to the bar.
Eve was standing inside, directly to his left. Jack made a beeline for her. "It's my homemade berry juice! Do you want some?" she asked.
Jack nodded. He did go to the bar for a drink, after all. "Tee hee, I'll kiss you if you can drink it." He took the glass she gave him and downed it in one gulp. His vision blurred. Jack shook his head quickly to clear it. He looked at Eve, expecting his kiss.
"Tee hee, I was just kidding!" Jack pouted and walked away.
"Don't mess with my hoes, OK kid?" said the bartender. He was a short man with a shiny bald head. The man seemed to be perpetually cleaning the same glass. Jack sighed and walked into the back room. As luck would have it, the room was a bedroom, and one of the beds had a small diary next to it. 'Yes!' thought Jack. He rushed over and grabbed the diary, ready to find out Eve's perspective of him.
This diary had many more names in it than the other ones Jack had read. It seemed the Eve had an opinion about every guy in town! 'Bartender- 7 hearts. Every night with him's a blast! Not to mention the fact that he buys me everything a girl could dream of. Drunk-4 hearts. Great business, but the alcohol's killed his "performance". Shipper-3 hearts. He's got a potbelly from driving that damn truck all the time. Animal Shop "Dealer"-6 hearts. You just gotta love the man who's giving you the snoochie-boochies. Tool Shop Owner-2 hearts. What a perv! The man won't stop talking about my boobs. I need to castrate him. Mayor-1 heart. The man's just too fat. You can't get at his member anymore. It's too small, anyway. Priest-0 hearts. He won't get in bed with me, no matter how hard I try or how much I take off! Dickhead. Mountain Carpenters-6 hearts each. They got the wood ^-~. Eve's grandfather-1 heart. Too wrinkly. Fisherman-4 hearts. He smells bad, but he's got a nice rod ^-~. Jack-1 heart. It's hilarious how innocent this boy thinks I am! It almost makes me feel guilty.' Jack stopped reading. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He quickly closed the diary and walked out of the room.
He shot Eve a tortured glance as he left the room. She smacked her forehead. "Did I leave my diary out again?" she asked. Then, Eve giggled sweetly. Jack ran out of the bar, slamming the door behind him. He ran back to his farm, tears blinding his eyes the whole way home. He ran into his house, avoiding the large spear with Ellen hanging from it, and threw himself on the bed, where he cried himself to sleep.
***
Jack woke up. He rubbed his puffy red eyes and looked around his house. Ellen's body was gone! Koro was up and about, sniffing everywhere and checking out his new territory. He looked chunkier, and his bandages were a little tighter around his body. Bob and a little female Harvest Sprite were cuddled up in a blanket in front of the TV. Jack's eyes widened, and he felt a little bad that the Harvest Sprite had a bedmate and yet he wasn't getting any. Bob looked over and saw that Jack was awake. He waved happily. "Bob and Vicky clean up dead bitch. Feed dog, too. Dead bitch be nourishing. Hope Farmer Man no mind us using washcloth for gettin' jiggy." Jack shook his head.
"Good. Bob and Vicky go back to pad now. Need make sure Vicky's pill working right." Bob stood up and folded the washcloth. Vicky blew Jack a little kiss, and handed him a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Then she and Bob left.
Jack felt a little better after seeing his Harvest Sprite buddy. He decided to have a keg party that night as a thank-you to Bob and Vicky. Jack thought that a nice hike in the mountains would do him good, so he packed up a rice ball and started walking. When he got there, three carpenters came up and greeted him.
"Hi," they said simultaneously. "Talk to us about home extensions." When they finished talking to him, they all started walking around in circles. 'Weird,' thought Jack. He walked on.
A fisherman sat by a small pond. "Howdy," he said. "I'm Billy-Bob-Joe-Bob- Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob-Steve, but my friends call me Fisherman. Can ye fish?" "Not well," said Jack. "Ah, yer a Greenhorn!" said Fisherman, nodding. "Well, ya'll can have my spare rod here, and bump up yer skills at fishin'!" Jack smiled gratefully, and walked off. "Ya'll come back now, hear?" Fisherman yelled after him.
Jack continued his hike up the mountain. Soon, he came upon an old man with a long white beard. "Hey there, sonny boy!" said the old man. "Whatcha doin' in these here parts? This be my territory!"
"Hiking," said Jack. He was talking quite a bit today. "I see," said the old man. "I've been a-huntin' in this here area for over sixty years. My granddaughter Eve is-"
Jack cut him off. "That slut?!?" he cried. The old man's eyes narrowed angrily. "How dare you!" he hollered. The man took out his rifle and started shooting everywhere crazily. "I gon gitcha!"
Jack screamed and fell over the railing next to a small pond. He was safe from the old man's crazed gunshots now, but his tools fell out of his backpack. Jack looked up, and saw his axe on the edge of the pond. 'Oh no!' he thought. He reached for the axe, but it was too late. The tool slipped and fell into the pond.
A lovely, green-haired woman rose up out of the pond. She wore a sparkling white dress, and held a golden axe high above her head. "I am the Harvest Goddess!" she said. Her voice was the same one Jack had heard in the church. "Is this your axe?" Jack shook his head. He really wanted to lie (hell, the axe was made of gold!), but he had felt the anger of the Goddess when he complained about a minor problem, and he didn't want to feel her anger if he lied.
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? This isn't your *golden* axe?" Again, Jack shook his head. The Goddess's jaw dropped.
"What the fuck is your problem, you dumbass?!?" she screamed. "This axe is made of gold! How can you not see that? You could've just lied, taken the axe, sold it on Ebay and got as rich as Bill Gates! But, noOo! Mr. I-Saw- Something-Naughty-And-I-Can't-Lie-To-Get-Rich has to be honest! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a Momma's Boy? Don't you take any risks is your boring-ass life? Are you a fuckin' angel? Damn, you're a hell of a lot more angelic than I am! What's your excuse, you fuckin' dumbass freak?"
Jack stammered. "I...just wanted to be...h-honest!"
The Goddess flared angrily. Her hair flew about her head, and there was fire in her eyes. "Honest? HONEST? I'll show you HONEST, you little mother fucker!"
With that, the Goddess threw the Golden Axe at Jack. But, being an angry, hurt woman, she had no aim. The axe hit a tree. The Goddess sank back into her little pool. Jack sat for a moment, reviving from yet another dose of the Goddess's anger. Then, he grabbed the Golden Axe from the tree, and ran back to his farm with it. 'At least I got a tool upgrade,' he thought happily.
Suddenly, a girl with short brown hair ran into his farm. "Koro!" she screamed. "Get back here, you little fucker!" The girl ran up and started to beat the dog with a stick. "Hey!" said Jack. He was opposed to animal cruelty, even if the animal was trying to shred his clothing.
The girl looked up, surprised. She hadn't even noticed he was there. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, and looked into his eyes, her face resembling a hurt puppy's. "I. I don't know what came over me." She burst into tears, falling on Jack for support. 'Great,' thought Jack, 'more tearstains on my shirt.' He patted the girl's back absently.
Eventually, she stopped crying and righted herself. "I'm Ellen," she said, sniffling. "I'm so sorry. I really don't know what came over me. What's your name, sir?"
"Jack," said Jack.
"It's so nice to meet you, Jack," said Ellen. "I think I've been around my mother too long. She's always been so mean to poor Koro, and I guess it's rubbing off on me. I came running after him to take him back home. Mother doesn't want me to keep him, and I don't know what to do."
Her eyes brightened suddenly, and she looked up at Jack. "Say, will you keep Koro for me?" Jack thought for a minute, and then nodded. Ellen's face burst into a smile.
"Oh, thank you!" she cried, and wrapped her arms around Jack in a big hug. "Here, let's take Koro inside and wash his owwies," said Ellen. She reached for the dog, who promptly bit her hand.
Ellen screamed and raised her hand, about to hit the dog. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be nice to it, and lowered her hand, sighing. "I guess I deserved that," she said. Jack picked up Koro and brought him inside with Ellen following behind them.
They washed the dog, and bandaged him up. Ellen also had the bright idea of putting a muzzle on Koro, for her own safety. Koro fell asleep, partly because of exhaustion and partly because Ellen drugged him.
"He's so cute when he's asleep," she said, smiling. Jack nodded and smiled as well.
"But you're just cute all the time," she said, and hugged him, pulling his hands behind his back. A pair of handcuffs was fastened around his wrists. Jack stiffened, alarmed. 'Not another crazy rapist!' he thought, and opened his mouth to protest. His words were held back by Ellen's tongue. She forced him to the ground. Jack's eyes widened, and he looked toward Koro. Ellen removed her tongue long enough to talk to him.
"Why do you think I drugged and muzzled him?" she asked, and stuck her tongue back in his mouth. Jack felt he would puke in pure disgust. Who could save him now?
Suddenly, a little elf-like creature burst through the door. "Echmay Potato!" it cried savagely. It had green hair, a little red outfit, and a huge spear.
"Who the hell are you?" screamed Ellen.
"I Bob, Harvest Sprite of Death!"
Ellen just laughed. "Damn rats," she said.
Bob's eyes glowed red, and he lifted the spear high above his head. "Die, bitch!" he cried, and threw the spear at Ellen's head. It flew through and pinned her to the wall.
Jack's eyes widened. "It OK, Farmer Man," said the Harvest Sprite. He came over and undid the handcuffs around Jack's wrists. "Farmer mans be nice. Give Sprites mushrooms and let use house for big keg parties."
Jack smiled and nodded. 'So that's how Grandpa was so successful,' he thought.
"Farmer Man give call and tell Bob when want throw keg party. Bob bring friends, booze, and women, and be over soon." Jack smiled and rubbed his wrists.
"Bye!" said Bob, and left. Jack stood up and went over to Koro. He pulled the muzzle off of the dog and put a tiny pillow under his head. Jack looked at his dog fondly and walked out of his house.
Jack looked at his yard for the first time. It was covered with weeds, stones, tree stumps, and boulders. He decided to get to work. He worked on the overgrown mess all day, and a long time into the night. 'It's gotta be about midnight by now,' thought Jack as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He looked at his watch.
"WHAT?!?" Jack thought that his eyes must be deceiving him. "Six o'clock?" He put a hand to his head. 'I need a drink,' Jack thought. He brightened. Eve! Of course! Eve would be at the bar!
He ran off and left his farm. When he got to the crossroads minutes later, he noticed a statue of a chicken. 'It's just a chicken, but it intrigues me,' he thought. Then, Jack had an idea. He took his hammer and smashed the statue of the chicken into little pieces. A little berry fell out of it. He picked it up. "I've got a berry of the Power Tree!" he said suddenly. He shoved it into his mouth and swallowed. 'Damn it! Am I possessed?' Jack thought. He felt stronger, though, so being possessed couldn't be too bad. Jack continued on to the bar.
Eve was standing inside, directly to his left. Jack made a beeline for her. "It's my homemade berry juice! Do you want some?" she asked.
Jack nodded. He did go to the bar for a drink, after all. "Tee hee, I'll kiss you if you can drink it." He took the glass she gave him and downed it in one gulp. His vision blurred. Jack shook his head quickly to clear it. He looked at Eve, expecting his kiss.
"Tee hee, I was just kidding!" Jack pouted and walked away.
"Don't mess with my hoes, OK kid?" said the bartender. He was a short man with a shiny bald head. The man seemed to be perpetually cleaning the same glass. Jack sighed and walked into the back room. As luck would have it, the room was a bedroom, and one of the beds had a small diary next to it. 'Yes!' thought Jack. He rushed over and grabbed the diary, ready to find out Eve's perspective of him.
This diary had many more names in it than the other ones Jack had read. It seemed the Eve had an opinion about every guy in town! 'Bartender- 7 hearts. Every night with him's a blast! Not to mention the fact that he buys me everything a girl could dream of. Drunk-4 hearts. Great business, but the alcohol's killed his "performance". Shipper-3 hearts. He's got a potbelly from driving that damn truck all the time. Animal Shop "Dealer"-6 hearts. You just gotta love the man who's giving you the snoochie-boochies. Tool Shop Owner-2 hearts. What a perv! The man won't stop talking about my boobs. I need to castrate him. Mayor-1 heart. The man's just too fat. You can't get at his member anymore. It's too small, anyway. Priest-0 hearts. He won't get in bed with me, no matter how hard I try or how much I take off! Dickhead. Mountain Carpenters-6 hearts each. They got the wood ^-~. Eve's grandfather-1 heart. Too wrinkly. Fisherman-4 hearts. He smells bad, but he's got a nice rod ^-~. Jack-1 heart. It's hilarious how innocent this boy thinks I am! It almost makes me feel guilty.' Jack stopped reading. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He quickly closed the diary and walked out of the room.
He shot Eve a tortured glance as he left the room. She smacked her forehead. "Did I leave my diary out again?" she asked. Then, Eve giggled sweetly. Jack ran out of the bar, slamming the door behind him. He ran back to his farm, tears blinding his eyes the whole way home. He ran into his house, avoiding the large spear with Ellen hanging from it, and threw himself on the bed, where he cried himself to sleep.
***
Jack woke up. He rubbed his puffy red eyes and looked around his house. Ellen's body was gone! Koro was up and about, sniffing everywhere and checking out his new territory. He looked chunkier, and his bandages were a little tighter around his body. Bob and a little female Harvest Sprite were cuddled up in a blanket in front of the TV. Jack's eyes widened, and he felt a little bad that the Harvest Sprite had a bedmate and yet he wasn't getting any. Bob looked over and saw that Jack was awake. He waved happily. "Bob and Vicky clean up dead bitch. Feed dog, too. Dead bitch be nourishing. Hope Farmer Man no mind us using washcloth for gettin' jiggy." Jack shook his head.
"Good. Bob and Vicky go back to pad now. Need make sure Vicky's pill working right." Bob stood up and folded the washcloth. Vicky blew Jack a little kiss, and handed him a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Then she and Bob left.
Jack felt a little better after seeing his Harvest Sprite buddy. He decided to have a keg party that night as a thank-you to Bob and Vicky. Jack thought that a nice hike in the mountains would do him good, so he packed up a rice ball and started walking. When he got there, three carpenters came up and greeted him.
"Hi," they said simultaneously. "Talk to us about home extensions." When they finished talking to him, they all started walking around in circles. 'Weird,' thought Jack. He walked on.
A fisherman sat by a small pond. "Howdy," he said. "I'm Billy-Bob-Joe-Bob- Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob-Steve, but my friends call me Fisherman. Can ye fish?" "Not well," said Jack. "Ah, yer a Greenhorn!" said Fisherman, nodding. "Well, ya'll can have my spare rod here, and bump up yer skills at fishin'!" Jack smiled gratefully, and walked off. "Ya'll come back now, hear?" Fisherman yelled after him.
Jack continued his hike up the mountain. Soon, he came upon an old man with a long white beard. "Hey there, sonny boy!" said the old man. "Whatcha doin' in these here parts? This be my territory!"
"Hiking," said Jack. He was talking quite a bit today. "I see," said the old man. "I've been a-huntin' in this here area for over sixty years. My granddaughter Eve is-"
Jack cut him off. "That slut?!?" he cried. The old man's eyes narrowed angrily. "How dare you!" he hollered. The man took out his rifle and started shooting everywhere crazily. "I gon gitcha!"
Jack screamed and fell over the railing next to a small pond. He was safe from the old man's crazed gunshots now, but his tools fell out of his backpack. Jack looked up, and saw his axe on the edge of the pond. 'Oh no!' he thought. He reached for the axe, but it was too late. The tool slipped and fell into the pond.
A lovely, green-haired woman rose up out of the pond. She wore a sparkling white dress, and held a golden axe high above her head. "I am the Harvest Goddess!" she said. Her voice was the same one Jack had heard in the church. "Is this your axe?" Jack shook his head. He really wanted to lie (hell, the axe was made of gold!), but he had felt the anger of the Goddess when he complained about a minor problem, and he didn't want to feel her anger if he lied.
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? This isn't your *golden* axe?" Again, Jack shook his head. The Goddess's jaw dropped.
"What the fuck is your problem, you dumbass?!?" she screamed. "This axe is made of gold! How can you not see that? You could've just lied, taken the axe, sold it on Ebay and got as rich as Bill Gates! But, noOo! Mr. I-Saw- Something-Naughty-And-I-Can't-Lie-To-Get-Rich has to be honest! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a Momma's Boy? Don't you take any risks is your boring-ass life? Are you a fuckin' angel? Damn, you're a hell of a lot more angelic than I am! What's your excuse, you fuckin' dumbass freak?"
Jack stammered. "I...just wanted to be...h-honest!"
The Goddess flared angrily. Her hair flew about her head, and there was fire in her eyes. "Honest? HONEST? I'll show you HONEST, you little mother fucker!"
With that, the Goddess threw the Golden Axe at Jack. But, being an angry, hurt woman, she had no aim. The axe hit a tree. The Goddess sank back into her little pool. Jack sat for a moment, reviving from yet another dose of the Goddess's anger. Then, he grabbed the Golden Axe from the tree, and ran back to his farm with it. 'At least I got a tool upgrade,' he thought happily.