With his new *golden* axe in tow, Jack headed off to the Flower Shop
to buy some turnip seeds. He felt extremely safe with this new axe, and
wasn't worried about the evil rapist, Nina. She would most likely be locked
up in her room, anyway, still waiting for her cake. 'She won't hold off
forever,' he thought. 'I'd better get that damn cake soon.' Jack ran into
the village, fondling the handle of his axe.
The florist was sitting behind her counter as usual. "Hello Jack!" she said cheerfully. "Have you had your reproductive organ today?"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "A reproductive organ a day keeps the doctor away! Especially if it's a gynecologist!" Jack smiled and nodded, a little freaked out.
He walked to the table that had all of the seeds on it and picked up a bag of turnips. "Those are turnip seeds," said the florist. "Those ones are a bit boring, though. If you'd like, I can give the special, gene-spliced turnip seeds. They sell for much higher than regular turnips."
Jack thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. His throat was sore from talking too much today.
"Well," said the florist, "Nina's been in her room screaming for cake all day, so if you'll buy her a cake, then I'll give you these seeds for free."
Jack nodded. 'Fair deal,' he thought. "Good!" exclaimed the florist, clapping her hands together. "Come back later with the cake, and I'll give you the snoochie boochies- er, the 'special' turnips."
Jack raised an eyebrow. He nodded and left the store, wondering what the hell snoochie boochies were and why everyone was talking about them. If only he had seen Mall Rats..
Jack decided to take his time on his way to the bakery. He had protection, and Nina could wait for her damned cake. He walked toward the church, hoping to visit with Maria. She seemed sane.
The little blonde boy was on the path on the way up to the church. He walked up to Jack with a look of curiosity on his face. "What's the plural for 'uterus'?" he asked. "Is it 'uteruses' or 'uteri'?" Jack thought for a moment, and shrugged. Word's spell check said that both were right, and he didn't know what to think.
"Damn!" said the little boy. He took out a little piece of paper with a poem written on it and mumbled to himself. "I see your lips, so soft and luscious, and think of many uteruses...You're the apple of my eye, I'd like to fill some uteri...dammit!" The little boy walked off, preoccupied with his thoughts. Jack raised an eyebrow and walked into the church. He was quite curious as to how Maria would respond to that poem.
Maria was playing the organ at the far end of the room. She hit a wrong note, and burst into tears. Jack walked over and placed a hand on her back, hoping to comfort her.
She turned to face him. Maria's eyes were red like Nina's, and they burned with a fiery rage. Her canines were unnaturally long, and they jutted from her mouth, dripping with blood. "What do YOU want?" she snarled.
Jack stepped back, his eyes wide. "Blood?" he asked nervously.
"Not like it's any of your business," she said, "but around this time of month, I like my chicken RAW!" She got down on all fours and crawled around in a Gollum-like fashion.
'Who's Gollum?' thought Jack.
"You Dumbass!" screeched Maria. "How can you NOT know who Gollum is? What's your fuckin' problem? He's from Lord of the Rings, one of the greatest series of all time! What kind of fuckin' idiot can you be if you don't know who Gollum is? Did your mother drop you on your head and beat you with a ten pound spatula when you were a kid? Oh, Goddess!" Maria stood up and shook her head.
A heavenly voice filled the room. 'Don't fret, my child,' it said. 'Jack's just a fuckin' dumbass freak. He complained that he saw something naughty, and when I asked if a *golden* axe was his, he said NO! He wouldn't lie to get a beautiful, priceless tool from a hot goddess like me! No siree Bob! The man's got no mind.'
Maria nodded. "Thank you for filling my mind with your wisdom, Mother Goddess," she said. Suddenly, she burst into tears, leaning on Jack's shoulder and crying her eyes out. Jack wondered why girls liked to cry on him and leave wet spots on his shirt.
"I'm so sorry, Jack!" she said between sobs. "It's just this horrible PMS. I act like a complete meanie, and I hurt people's feelings. Why, I don't know how to make it up to you."
She brightened, and looked up into his eyes. "How about I break my oath as a nun and sleep with you? Right here, right now." She started tearing at his overalls.
"In a church?" asked Jack. "No!"
Maria looked up from her work. The red rage burned in her eyes again. "Are you fuckin' GAY?!?" she screamed. "Oh Goddess! You just got an offer for sex from a nun! You were given the chance to pluck the forbidden fruit! Most men and many women would've ceased that chance! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I-I just need to get to know you a little better, Maria," said Jack. He was tired from speaking such a long sentence. Maria's face now had a huge smile on it.
"Yay! Yay!" she said, dancing around the pedestal. "I'm gonna get laid, I'm gonna get laid!" She continued her happy chant, and Jack took the opportunity to get the hell away from the Goddess-enhanced PMSing Maria.
Though it was probably not the smartest thing to do, Jack decided to visit the mayor and his wife. 'Maybe they're sane,' he thought.
He walked into the house, but the mayor wasn't there. His wife wasn't in the living room. 'Maybe they're in Maria's room,' Jack thought. He walked in the hallway that led to her room. On his way there, he glanced at the bookshelf. One of the books was sticking out from the rest of them. Being the nosy jackass he is, Jack grabbed the book to see what these people liked to read. The book was called "Lever."
Suddenly Jack heard a loud groaning noise, and looked up. The bookshelf was moving! It swung to the side, revealing a secret door. 'So that's where they sleep,' thought Jack. He opened the door.
Inside, he saw a large bed with two people...erm..."gettin' jiggy" in it. Small devil horns appeared on Jack's head. He walked into the room and watched for a while, and then he threw the covers back. It was the mayor's wife and the drunk!
Jack's eyes widened. The mayor's wife screamed. "Don't tell my husband!" she pleaded. "I'll...I'll...buy you all the alcohol you could ever wish for!"
Jack considered for a moment, and then nodded. 'This will be good for a keg party,' he thought. "Good," said the mayor's wife. "Can you also not tell my husband about this room? I'd rather not have to sleep with him. Once was enough." Jack nodded and left the room, closing the bookcase behind him.
He decided to go to the bakery next, and get his cake buying over with. As he walked through the town square, he saw Eve. "Oh, hello, Jack," she said as if nothing had ever happened. "I'm just doing some shopping." Jack looked around, and raised a skeptical eyebrow. There weren't any stores in sight.
"Bye bye, big boy," said Eve. I'll see you at that keg party tonight." Jack stared at her, not an unpleasant thing to do. "Keg party?" he asked.
"You know," replied Eve, "the one Bob's throwing tonight. Since the mayor's wife is giving you so much free booze, he thought he should have a party." Jack nodded, and wondered how people found out about these things so fast.
He got to the bakery, and walked inside, feeling a bit nervous. 'I witnessed their daughter's murder, and did nothing to stop it,' he thought. 'In fact, I encouraged it. Will they still let me buy cake in their store?' He shrugged, and walked up to the counter.
"You want some cake, honey?" asked the big woman. Jack nodded. "I'll give you a little extra sugar for free, if you want it," she added, winking. Jack stiffened. Did she want to rape him because he killed her daughter?
"I owe you a little something," she continued. "I mean, you are hosting that wild keg party tonight with Bob." Jack nodded. "Just the cake, please," he said.
"Alright," said Ellen's mother, "suit yourself." She handed him the cake, and he gave her the money for it. "Thanks, honey," said the woman. "See you tonight!" Jack decided not to say anything about seeing her husband in bed with the mayor's wife. Then, he noticed a back door. Jack looked back at the big woman. She was counting her money and laughing at it. He crept into the back room, setting his cake down on the table for a moment.
There was a large table in the center of the room with a small birdcage on it. A little blue bird was in the cage, cheeping happily. As he walked in, he noticed a diary on the table. 'Ellen's diary!' he thought. He ran over to read it.
There was a long list of names, and he scanned them until he found his name. 'Jack-negative three hearts. That bastard sent in his elf friend to kill me! I hate people who kill me.' Jack's eyes widened, and he backed away. He walked up and waved to the bird.
The bird stopped chirping and coked an eye at him. "What the fuck do you want, dumbass?" it asked. Jack's eyes widened, startled.
"I just wanted to say 'hi', little birdy."
The bird stood with its wings on its hips. "I'm NOT 'little birdy'," it said. "The name's P-Chan, and I'm a tough gangsta with the nuts of an African Bull Elephant, so I'm sure as hell not 'little.'"
Jack couldn't help but look down between the bird's legs. He had little blue boxers on, blending in perfectly with his plumage. The bird covered his boxers with his wings when he saw the direction of Jack's eyes, and shrieked in outrage.
"You PERV!" he screamed. "Rape! Rape!" Jack ran out of the room, swiping his cake off of the table as he left. As he ran, he could still hear P-Chan screaming. "RAAAAAAAAPE!"
Jack went to the flower shop to drop off his cake for Nina. On the way there, he saw Bob. "Hey there, Farmer-man!" said Bob. "I throw big keg party at house tonight. You hear?"
Jack nodded. "Good! Where you going, Farmer-man?" Jack pointed to the florist's, and then sighed. "What wrong?" asked Bob. Jack told him about his little problems with Nina and Eve.
Bob nodded sympathetically. "I see," he said, scribbling on a little notepad. "Bob found solution. Bob attack Nina, unless something special about Nina make Bob want stop. But, for Eve, Farmer-man need learn some girls only good for one night!" Jack sighed.
"Let's get Farmer-man's turnip seeds and attack Nina now," said Bob, patting him on the back. Jack smiled and stood, and the two drinking buddies walked into the flower shop together. The florist smiled as she saw Jack walk in. She didn't see Bob, though he was carrying his large battle spear. "Did you bring the cake?" she asked.
Jack nodded and held it up. "Good," aid the florist. She handed him a bag of seeds. "Here are your 'special' turnips. You can give the cake to Nina yourself. She's in her room, alllll alone." She winked. "Go get em, tiger!"
Jack raised an eyebrow, and walked into the back room with Bob. "Echmay Potato!" cried Bob as they barged in the door, their weapons at the ready. Then both of them stopped, and their jaws dropped. Nina was in bed with Eve!
"Girl get jiggy with girl!" cried Bob. He turned to Jack. "Bob no can hurt lesbian!" he said accusingly. "Why Jack no tell Bob?" Jack shook his head. "Didn't know," he said.
Nina sat up in bed, and started laughing. "Nina bi!" she said happily. Eve pulled her back down on the bed, and they continued with their business. Jack and Bob watched for a while, and then left. "Bob no see why Jack heartbroken from Eve," he said. "He should know she be a bisexual slut!"
Jack ran off to the animal store, leaving Bob to go home on his own. He planned on buying a chicken so his farm wouldn't seem so empty. The room was filled with smoke. "Heeey, dude!" said the extremely stoned store clerk. "That's gonna be a sweet keg party tonight!"
Jack nodded. He was getting used to the weird way that everyone was in his business. "So, you wanna buy a chicken?" asked the animal dude. Jack nodded. "Ok, well, I'll have to, like, give you a little 'special food' for it until you grow some of that gnarly grass. I'll give you plenty of the 'chicken feed' tonight, ok dude?"
Again, Jack nodded. "Ok, dude," he said. "Your chicken's out back." Jack walked outside and, lo and behold, there was a chicken! It too was stoned.
"Dude," said the chicken. "Like, I need a name." Jack thought of a good name. "Mary Jane," he said. The chicken started laughing.
"Yeah, dude!" it said. "That's like, weed in English!" Jack nodded, amazed that the chicken could think when it was so stoned. "Dude, like, carry me home," said the chicken. Then, of course, it started singing that Blink 182 song. Unfortunately for Jack, it only knew the chorus, and sang it all the way home.
When he got back to the farm, Jack put the still singing Mary Jane in its pen, and started to hoe the ground. He planted his grass seeds and "special turnips". Then, he went into his tool shed to get out his watering can. He now noticed a back door in the shed.
He went up to it and tried to open the door. "I can't open it; it's locked," Jack found himself saying. 'Since when did a locked door stop me?' He thought, and took out his *golden* axe. He slammed it into the door, reducing it to little "locked" splinters. A little cave was behind the door. 'What the hell,' thought Jack, and walked in the cave.
There, he found two Harvest Sprites, having a little drink together. "Hey, Farmer-man!" said one of the Sprites. "You new guy, right? Bob tell us about new Farmer-man. I Joe, and he Walter."
Walter raised his hand in greeting. "Hey, Farmer-man!" he said. His speech was slurred, and Jack figured that he had had a few more drinks than Joe. Suddenly, Walter got up on the table, stripped, and started dancing. "I'm a happy pumpkin!" he exclaimed, shaking his booty for all to see.
Joe turned to Jack, giving his buddy a weird look. "No mind Walter," he said. "He get a little weird when drunk. But not me! I just the average Joe."
Jack nodded. His hoe fell out of his little backpack. "Hey, a hoe!" said Joe. He examined the hoe carefully, turning it over. "Joe make this one!" he exclaimed after a while. "Farmer-man want Joe upgrade to Super hoe? It be cooler than normal hoe, and it be *golden*, too."
Jack thought for a moment. "Catch?" he asked. "None!" said Joe. "Joe just like working on hoes." The Harvest Sprite winked. Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Come back tomorrow, Farmer-man," said Joe. Walter continued doing his nudie dance on top of the table. Jack left the cave, and went back in his tool shed.
On his way out of the tool shed, Jack bumped into Bob. "Hey, Farmer- man!" said Bob. "Foreign peddler in town! He sell rare things. Farmer-man buy?" Jack thought, and then nodded, walking off toward town.
"Be back by six, Farmer-man!" Bob called after him. Jack nodded and ran off. He smirked as he ran, knowing that no matter how late he stayed out, it would still be six. Things worked that way in this area. At least the children couldn't complain about having to go to bed too early.
Jack arrived in town. A dark man in a turban was sitting on a carpet near the entrance. He had a small red dot between his eyebrows, and he wore a royal purple vest and baggy white pants.
"Greetings!" said the man, who had a voice not unlike that of Apu from the Simpsons. "I am Ishbu! I come from far away to sell you rare things." Ishbu started singing Arabian Nights.
"Um," said Jack, "can I buy stuff now?" Ishbu laughed. "Of course, of course, O Hasty One! By Allah, have I got many things for you to buy!" Jack nodded, and checked out the guy's stuff. He pointed to a little lamp with a Cherub on it. There wasn't a light bulb, but it was a very cute little lamp.
"How much?" he asked. "That be 5,000 gold," said Ishbu. Jack's eyes widened, and he started to walk away. "Ah, but this is no ordinary lamp!" exclaimed Ishbu. "It is a magic lamp. There's a genie inside! It will grant you your every wish!"
'Ah, what the hell,' thought Jack. He forked over the cash, and grabbed the cute little Cherub lamp. It had a smudge of dirt on its little button nose, so Jack rubbed at it.
Suddenly, a burst of hot pink smoke came out of the lamp where the light bulb was supposed to be. A ditzy blonde woman with a high ponytail and a strange pink outfit appeared in the smoke.
"Hey there, cutie!" giggled the blonde. "I'm Jeanie. It's like, so totally nice to meet you! You like, freed me from my lamp! I'll give you one wish. So, like, what'll it be?"
Jack thought. He could have anything his heart desired! This was a tough one. Suddenly, Nina burst out of the flower shop, crying.
"Eve leave before Nina satisfied!" she bawled. "Nina wish Nina was dead!"
"Like, ok then!" said Jeanie. She pointed a finger at Nina, and a little pink line of electricity shot out of it. It hit Nina, and she was electrocuted, her hair standing on end. She fell to the ground, dead.
Jeanie stood with her arms akimbo. "That was like, a really dumb wish," she said. "Bye bye now!" With that, she and the Cherub lamp that Jack had just bought for 5,000 gold vanished in a pink puff of smoke.
At first, Jack stood gaping. Then, he shrugged it off and walked away. 'At least I don't have to deal with Nina anymore,' he thought as he walked home.
Bob and Walter ran up to him when he entered the farm. "Farmer-man almost too late for party!" Bob exclaimed.
"I'm a pretty penguin!" said Walter, twirling around in a tutu. Bob and Jack raised their eyebrows.
"Bob going get booze ready. Need Jack go inside and get glasses for drinking." With that, Bob walked off toward the tool shed, dragging Walter behind him. "I have two feet!" he said.
Jack walked inside of his house and started setting up glasses. Suddenly, the phone rang. He ran to pick it up. "Hi, sweetie-boo boo-honey-lamb-sugar- bear!" said a female voice. "It's Mommy!"
"Hi, Mom," said Jack. "Guess what, sweetie?" said Jack's mom. "The plural of uterus is uteri!"
"That's great, Mom," replied Jack. The blonde boy would like to know that. Jack heard the sound of explosions on the other end of the line. "Mwa ha ha ha!" said his mommy evilly.
"Um, Mom? What are you doing?"
"I'm just blowing up snow leopards with a grenade launcher in Tomb Raider II," she said normally.
"That's great, Mom," said Jack a little uneasily. "Um, Mommy? I have to go. I have some friends coming over."
"That's wonderful, honey!" his mother exclaimed. Jack heard more explosions. "Ta ta for now!" With that, Jack's mommy hung up. Jack sighed and continued setting up glasses.
Soon, the guests began to arrive, exactly at six o' clock. Everyone was there, except for the priest, who was too holy to come, and Ishbu, who was celebrating Ramadan. They got drunk, and Maria actually got laid, though Jack was too wasted to remember it. She decided not to tell him. The animal dealer was there as well, and added to the craziness by dealing out the snoochie-boochies. The guests partied for hours. They all passed out from too much snoochie-boochies at different times, though all of them passed out at six (maybe because time never passes inside a house or past six! Great for parties!). The only thing that Jack could remember from the previous night was saying, "That was some nice weed, and I'm going to pass out now."
The florist was sitting behind her counter as usual. "Hello Jack!" she said cheerfully. "Have you had your reproductive organ today?"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "A reproductive organ a day keeps the doctor away! Especially if it's a gynecologist!" Jack smiled and nodded, a little freaked out.
He walked to the table that had all of the seeds on it and picked up a bag of turnips. "Those are turnip seeds," said the florist. "Those ones are a bit boring, though. If you'd like, I can give the special, gene-spliced turnip seeds. They sell for much higher than regular turnips."
Jack thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. His throat was sore from talking too much today.
"Well," said the florist, "Nina's been in her room screaming for cake all day, so if you'll buy her a cake, then I'll give you these seeds for free."
Jack nodded. 'Fair deal,' he thought. "Good!" exclaimed the florist, clapping her hands together. "Come back later with the cake, and I'll give you the snoochie boochies- er, the 'special' turnips."
Jack raised an eyebrow. He nodded and left the store, wondering what the hell snoochie boochies were and why everyone was talking about them. If only he had seen Mall Rats..
Jack decided to take his time on his way to the bakery. He had protection, and Nina could wait for her damned cake. He walked toward the church, hoping to visit with Maria. She seemed sane.
The little blonde boy was on the path on the way up to the church. He walked up to Jack with a look of curiosity on his face. "What's the plural for 'uterus'?" he asked. "Is it 'uteruses' or 'uteri'?" Jack thought for a moment, and shrugged. Word's spell check said that both were right, and he didn't know what to think.
"Damn!" said the little boy. He took out a little piece of paper with a poem written on it and mumbled to himself. "I see your lips, so soft and luscious, and think of many uteruses...You're the apple of my eye, I'd like to fill some uteri...dammit!" The little boy walked off, preoccupied with his thoughts. Jack raised an eyebrow and walked into the church. He was quite curious as to how Maria would respond to that poem.
Maria was playing the organ at the far end of the room. She hit a wrong note, and burst into tears. Jack walked over and placed a hand on her back, hoping to comfort her.
She turned to face him. Maria's eyes were red like Nina's, and they burned with a fiery rage. Her canines were unnaturally long, and they jutted from her mouth, dripping with blood. "What do YOU want?" she snarled.
Jack stepped back, his eyes wide. "Blood?" he asked nervously.
"Not like it's any of your business," she said, "but around this time of month, I like my chicken RAW!" She got down on all fours and crawled around in a Gollum-like fashion.
'Who's Gollum?' thought Jack.
"You Dumbass!" screeched Maria. "How can you NOT know who Gollum is? What's your fuckin' problem? He's from Lord of the Rings, one of the greatest series of all time! What kind of fuckin' idiot can you be if you don't know who Gollum is? Did your mother drop you on your head and beat you with a ten pound spatula when you were a kid? Oh, Goddess!" Maria stood up and shook her head.
A heavenly voice filled the room. 'Don't fret, my child,' it said. 'Jack's just a fuckin' dumbass freak. He complained that he saw something naughty, and when I asked if a *golden* axe was his, he said NO! He wouldn't lie to get a beautiful, priceless tool from a hot goddess like me! No siree Bob! The man's got no mind.'
Maria nodded. "Thank you for filling my mind with your wisdom, Mother Goddess," she said. Suddenly, she burst into tears, leaning on Jack's shoulder and crying her eyes out. Jack wondered why girls liked to cry on him and leave wet spots on his shirt.
"I'm so sorry, Jack!" she said between sobs. "It's just this horrible PMS. I act like a complete meanie, and I hurt people's feelings. Why, I don't know how to make it up to you."
She brightened, and looked up into his eyes. "How about I break my oath as a nun and sleep with you? Right here, right now." She started tearing at his overalls.
"In a church?" asked Jack. "No!"
Maria looked up from her work. The red rage burned in her eyes again. "Are you fuckin' GAY?!?" she screamed. "Oh Goddess! You just got an offer for sex from a nun! You were given the chance to pluck the forbidden fruit! Most men and many women would've ceased that chance! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I-I just need to get to know you a little better, Maria," said Jack. He was tired from speaking such a long sentence. Maria's face now had a huge smile on it.
"Yay! Yay!" she said, dancing around the pedestal. "I'm gonna get laid, I'm gonna get laid!" She continued her happy chant, and Jack took the opportunity to get the hell away from the Goddess-enhanced PMSing Maria.
Though it was probably not the smartest thing to do, Jack decided to visit the mayor and his wife. 'Maybe they're sane,' he thought.
He walked into the house, but the mayor wasn't there. His wife wasn't in the living room. 'Maybe they're in Maria's room,' Jack thought. He walked in the hallway that led to her room. On his way there, he glanced at the bookshelf. One of the books was sticking out from the rest of them. Being the nosy jackass he is, Jack grabbed the book to see what these people liked to read. The book was called "Lever."
Suddenly Jack heard a loud groaning noise, and looked up. The bookshelf was moving! It swung to the side, revealing a secret door. 'So that's where they sleep,' thought Jack. He opened the door.
Inside, he saw a large bed with two people...erm..."gettin' jiggy" in it. Small devil horns appeared on Jack's head. He walked into the room and watched for a while, and then he threw the covers back. It was the mayor's wife and the drunk!
Jack's eyes widened. The mayor's wife screamed. "Don't tell my husband!" she pleaded. "I'll...I'll...buy you all the alcohol you could ever wish for!"
Jack considered for a moment, and then nodded. 'This will be good for a keg party,' he thought. "Good," said the mayor's wife. "Can you also not tell my husband about this room? I'd rather not have to sleep with him. Once was enough." Jack nodded and left the room, closing the bookcase behind him.
He decided to go to the bakery next, and get his cake buying over with. As he walked through the town square, he saw Eve. "Oh, hello, Jack," she said as if nothing had ever happened. "I'm just doing some shopping." Jack looked around, and raised a skeptical eyebrow. There weren't any stores in sight.
"Bye bye, big boy," said Eve. I'll see you at that keg party tonight." Jack stared at her, not an unpleasant thing to do. "Keg party?" he asked.
"You know," replied Eve, "the one Bob's throwing tonight. Since the mayor's wife is giving you so much free booze, he thought he should have a party." Jack nodded, and wondered how people found out about these things so fast.
He got to the bakery, and walked inside, feeling a bit nervous. 'I witnessed their daughter's murder, and did nothing to stop it,' he thought. 'In fact, I encouraged it. Will they still let me buy cake in their store?' He shrugged, and walked up to the counter.
"You want some cake, honey?" asked the big woman. Jack nodded. "I'll give you a little extra sugar for free, if you want it," she added, winking. Jack stiffened. Did she want to rape him because he killed her daughter?
"I owe you a little something," she continued. "I mean, you are hosting that wild keg party tonight with Bob." Jack nodded. "Just the cake, please," he said.
"Alright," said Ellen's mother, "suit yourself." She handed him the cake, and he gave her the money for it. "Thanks, honey," said the woman. "See you tonight!" Jack decided not to say anything about seeing her husband in bed with the mayor's wife. Then, he noticed a back door. Jack looked back at the big woman. She was counting her money and laughing at it. He crept into the back room, setting his cake down on the table for a moment.
There was a large table in the center of the room with a small birdcage on it. A little blue bird was in the cage, cheeping happily. As he walked in, he noticed a diary on the table. 'Ellen's diary!' he thought. He ran over to read it.
There was a long list of names, and he scanned them until he found his name. 'Jack-negative three hearts. That bastard sent in his elf friend to kill me! I hate people who kill me.' Jack's eyes widened, and he backed away. He walked up and waved to the bird.
The bird stopped chirping and coked an eye at him. "What the fuck do you want, dumbass?" it asked. Jack's eyes widened, startled.
"I just wanted to say 'hi', little birdy."
The bird stood with its wings on its hips. "I'm NOT 'little birdy'," it said. "The name's P-Chan, and I'm a tough gangsta with the nuts of an African Bull Elephant, so I'm sure as hell not 'little.'"
Jack couldn't help but look down between the bird's legs. He had little blue boxers on, blending in perfectly with his plumage. The bird covered his boxers with his wings when he saw the direction of Jack's eyes, and shrieked in outrage.
"You PERV!" he screamed. "Rape! Rape!" Jack ran out of the room, swiping his cake off of the table as he left. As he ran, he could still hear P-Chan screaming. "RAAAAAAAAPE!"
Jack went to the flower shop to drop off his cake for Nina. On the way there, he saw Bob. "Hey there, Farmer-man!" said Bob. "I throw big keg party at house tonight. You hear?"
Jack nodded. "Good! Where you going, Farmer-man?" Jack pointed to the florist's, and then sighed. "What wrong?" asked Bob. Jack told him about his little problems with Nina and Eve.
Bob nodded sympathetically. "I see," he said, scribbling on a little notepad. "Bob found solution. Bob attack Nina, unless something special about Nina make Bob want stop. But, for Eve, Farmer-man need learn some girls only good for one night!" Jack sighed.
"Let's get Farmer-man's turnip seeds and attack Nina now," said Bob, patting him on the back. Jack smiled and stood, and the two drinking buddies walked into the flower shop together. The florist smiled as she saw Jack walk in. She didn't see Bob, though he was carrying his large battle spear. "Did you bring the cake?" she asked.
Jack nodded and held it up. "Good," aid the florist. She handed him a bag of seeds. "Here are your 'special' turnips. You can give the cake to Nina yourself. She's in her room, alllll alone." She winked. "Go get em, tiger!"
Jack raised an eyebrow, and walked into the back room with Bob. "Echmay Potato!" cried Bob as they barged in the door, their weapons at the ready. Then both of them stopped, and their jaws dropped. Nina was in bed with Eve!
"Girl get jiggy with girl!" cried Bob. He turned to Jack. "Bob no can hurt lesbian!" he said accusingly. "Why Jack no tell Bob?" Jack shook his head. "Didn't know," he said.
Nina sat up in bed, and started laughing. "Nina bi!" she said happily. Eve pulled her back down on the bed, and they continued with their business. Jack and Bob watched for a while, and then left. "Bob no see why Jack heartbroken from Eve," he said. "He should know she be a bisexual slut!"
Jack ran off to the animal store, leaving Bob to go home on his own. He planned on buying a chicken so his farm wouldn't seem so empty. The room was filled with smoke. "Heeey, dude!" said the extremely stoned store clerk. "That's gonna be a sweet keg party tonight!"
Jack nodded. He was getting used to the weird way that everyone was in his business. "So, you wanna buy a chicken?" asked the animal dude. Jack nodded. "Ok, well, I'll have to, like, give you a little 'special food' for it until you grow some of that gnarly grass. I'll give you plenty of the 'chicken feed' tonight, ok dude?"
Again, Jack nodded. "Ok, dude," he said. "Your chicken's out back." Jack walked outside and, lo and behold, there was a chicken! It too was stoned.
"Dude," said the chicken. "Like, I need a name." Jack thought of a good name. "Mary Jane," he said. The chicken started laughing.
"Yeah, dude!" it said. "That's like, weed in English!" Jack nodded, amazed that the chicken could think when it was so stoned. "Dude, like, carry me home," said the chicken. Then, of course, it started singing that Blink 182 song. Unfortunately for Jack, it only knew the chorus, and sang it all the way home.
When he got back to the farm, Jack put the still singing Mary Jane in its pen, and started to hoe the ground. He planted his grass seeds and "special turnips". Then, he went into his tool shed to get out his watering can. He now noticed a back door in the shed.
He went up to it and tried to open the door. "I can't open it; it's locked," Jack found himself saying. 'Since when did a locked door stop me?' He thought, and took out his *golden* axe. He slammed it into the door, reducing it to little "locked" splinters. A little cave was behind the door. 'What the hell,' thought Jack, and walked in the cave.
There, he found two Harvest Sprites, having a little drink together. "Hey, Farmer-man!" said one of the Sprites. "You new guy, right? Bob tell us about new Farmer-man. I Joe, and he Walter."
Walter raised his hand in greeting. "Hey, Farmer-man!" he said. His speech was slurred, and Jack figured that he had had a few more drinks than Joe. Suddenly, Walter got up on the table, stripped, and started dancing. "I'm a happy pumpkin!" he exclaimed, shaking his booty for all to see.
Joe turned to Jack, giving his buddy a weird look. "No mind Walter," he said. "He get a little weird when drunk. But not me! I just the average Joe."
Jack nodded. His hoe fell out of his little backpack. "Hey, a hoe!" said Joe. He examined the hoe carefully, turning it over. "Joe make this one!" he exclaimed after a while. "Farmer-man want Joe upgrade to Super hoe? It be cooler than normal hoe, and it be *golden*, too."
Jack thought for a moment. "Catch?" he asked. "None!" said Joe. "Joe just like working on hoes." The Harvest Sprite winked. Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Come back tomorrow, Farmer-man," said Joe. Walter continued doing his nudie dance on top of the table. Jack left the cave, and went back in his tool shed.
On his way out of the tool shed, Jack bumped into Bob. "Hey, Farmer- man!" said Bob. "Foreign peddler in town! He sell rare things. Farmer-man buy?" Jack thought, and then nodded, walking off toward town.
"Be back by six, Farmer-man!" Bob called after him. Jack nodded and ran off. He smirked as he ran, knowing that no matter how late he stayed out, it would still be six. Things worked that way in this area. At least the children couldn't complain about having to go to bed too early.
Jack arrived in town. A dark man in a turban was sitting on a carpet near the entrance. He had a small red dot between his eyebrows, and he wore a royal purple vest and baggy white pants.
"Greetings!" said the man, who had a voice not unlike that of Apu from the Simpsons. "I am Ishbu! I come from far away to sell you rare things." Ishbu started singing Arabian Nights.
"Um," said Jack, "can I buy stuff now?" Ishbu laughed. "Of course, of course, O Hasty One! By Allah, have I got many things for you to buy!" Jack nodded, and checked out the guy's stuff. He pointed to a little lamp with a Cherub on it. There wasn't a light bulb, but it was a very cute little lamp.
"How much?" he asked. "That be 5,000 gold," said Ishbu. Jack's eyes widened, and he started to walk away. "Ah, but this is no ordinary lamp!" exclaimed Ishbu. "It is a magic lamp. There's a genie inside! It will grant you your every wish!"
'Ah, what the hell,' thought Jack. He forked over the cash, and grabbed the cute little Cherub lamp. It had a smudge of dirt on its little button nose, so Jack rubbed at it.
Suddenly, a burst of hot pink smoke came out of the lamp where the light bulb was supposed to be. A ditzy blonde woman with a high ponytail and a strange pink outfit appeared in the smoke.
"Hey there, cutie!" giggled the blonde. "I'm Jeanie. It's like, so totally nice to meet you! You like, freed me from my lamp! I'll give you one wish. So, like, what'll it be?"
Jack thought. He could have anything his heart desired! This was a tough one. Suddenly, Nina burst out of the flower shop, crying.
"Eve leave before Nina satisfied!" she bawled. "Nina wish Nina was dead!"
"Like, ok then!" said Jeanie. She pointed a finger at Nina, and a little pink line of electricity shot out of it. It hit Nina, and she was electrocuted, her hair standing on end. She fell to the ground, dead.
Jeanie stood with her arms akimbo. "That was like, a really dumb wish," she said. "Bye bye now!" With that, she and the Cherub lamp that Jack had just bought for 5,000 gold vanished in a pink puff of smoke.
At first, Jack stood gaping. Then, he shrugged it off and walked away. 'At least I don't have to deal with Nina anymore,' he thought as he walked home.
Bob and Walter ran up to him when he entered the farm. "Farmer-man almost too late for party!" Bob exclaimed.
"I'm a pretty penguin!" said Walter, twirling around in a tutu. Bob and Jack raised their eyebrows.
"Bob going get booze ready. Need Jack go inside and get glasses for drinking." With that, Bob walked off toward the tool shed, dragging Walter behind him. "I have two feet!" he said.
Jack walked inside of his house and started setting up glasses. Suddenly, the phone rang. He ran to pick it up. "Hi, sweetie-boo boo-honey-lamb-sugar- bear!" said a female voice. "It's Mommy!"
"Hi, Mom," said Jack. "Guess what, sweetie?" said Jack's mom. "The plural of uterus is uteri!"
"That's great, Mom," replied Jack. The blonde boy would like to know that. Jack heard the sound of explosions on the other end of the line. "Mwa ha ha ha!" said his mommy evilly.
"Um, Mom? What are you doing?"
"I'm just blowing up snow leopards with a grenade launcher in Tomb Raider II," she said normally.
"That's great, Mom," said Jack a little uneasily. "Um, Mommy? I have to go. I have some friends coming over."
"That's wonderful, honey!" his mother exclaimed. Jack heard more explosions. "Ta ta for now!" With that, Jack's mommy hung up. Jack sighed and continued setting up glasses.
Soon, the guests began to arrive, exactly at six o' clock. Everyone was there, except for the priest, who was too holy to come, and Ishbu, who was celebrating Ramadan. They got drunk, and Maria actually got laid, though Jack was too wasted to remember it. She decided not to tell him. The animal dealer was there as well, and added to the craziness by dealing out the snoochie-boochies. The guests partied for hours. They all passed out from too much snoochie-boochies at different times, though all of them passed out at six (maybe because time never passes inside a house or past six! Great for parties!). The only thing that Jack could remember from the previous night was saying, "That was some nice weed, and I'm going to pass out now."