Jack got out of bed two days later, both heads aching. He made a
commitment to get some strong medication to alleviate his little medical
problem so this wouldn't happen again. He threw himself onto the chair next
to his table, and shoved a huge rice ball in his mouth. As he chewed, he
checked out his surroundings.
His house was a mess. Jack hadn't gotten the opportunity to clean up after the huge party. All types of drugs, both legal and illegal, were scattered in various corners of the room. Random clothing articles were hung on his furniture, excluding his boxers that he still hadn't found. He looked under the table, and noticed the drunk lying there, either passed out, in a coma, or dead. Jack really didn't care which, but his house was starting to smell bad, so he grabbed a shovel and threw the body on his plot of "special" grass. Maybe that would make it grow faster so he could actually feed his poor, starving, drugged-up chicken. Maybe it would be easier if he just ate the damn thing.
Jack looked around for his dog, Koro. He found the mutt out on his porch, sleeping with Vicky. "What?" asked Vicky innocently. "Farmer-man too spent to satisfy Vicky, so Vicky needed get new lay." Jack shrugged, not really caring. He was happy as long as somebody was taking care of his dog in some way, shape or form.
He walked out to the crossroads, deciding to take a hike in the mountains. A little pony was standing in the middle of the road. "A horse!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I think I'll take it home." He started to lead the horse away. It bit him hard in the ass.
"OWWWW!" screamed Jack painfully, running around in circles. The horse laughed, and turned into... Eve! Jack shrieked in horror. "Hi!" said Eve. "I'm the ghost of Christmas past!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "It's the fifth of spring," he pointed out. "I don't care!" said Eve, grabbing his wrist. "I'm going to pick you up and fly you to places of your childhood!" She started flying through the air, dragging Jack behind her.
"Why?" he cried piteously. "Because," she said, "you have no heart!" His brow furrowed. "Yes I do!" he replied. "Just shut up you dumbass!" said Eve, and put some duct tape over his mouth.
Soon they came flying over a little elementary school, with a yard full of playing children. "It's my old school!" cried Jack. "No shit, Sherlock," Eve replied. They landed among the playing children. One of them had a little blue cap and overalls on, and he sported a red bandana around his neck.
"Hey!" cried Jack. "It's me!" Eve rolled her eyes. The little Jack was holding a little girl's hand. She had green hair, and wore a little red, lacy dress. It was very cute. "Who the hell is that?" asked Eve.
Jack sighed dreamily. "That's Ima Goodshag. She was the prettiest girl in school, and my first girlfriend."
Eve raised an eyebrow at the name. "Really?" she asked. "So she was your 'first'?" Jack caught what she meant and nodded, blushing. The two turned their attention back to the children.
"Let's go behind the slide, Jack," said Ima.
"Why?" he asked.
"I want to...play..." replied Ima slyly. She winked.
Jack's brow furrowed in confusion. "We can play right here," he said.
Ima let out an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," she said. "You don't get it. This is a special kind of play. We need to hide to play this game, OK?"
Little Jack shrugged innocently. "OK," he said, and followed her behind the slide, where he proceeded to lose his virginity. "Why did you bring me here?" Big Jack asked Eve.
Eve sighed. "Have you been a dumbass your entire life?" She figured that this question didn't need answering, and continued. "You'll get the moral after the third ghost visits you." Jack nodded, comprehending. "Now, let's get you back," she said. "I'm missing 'Bachelors of the Hereafter.'" With that, she grabbed his wrist and flew him back to his own time, dumping him in the crossroads.
Jack stood up, coughing to get the dust out of his mouth. I need a vacation, he thought as he walked up into the mountains. He walked up to Fisherman.
"Howdy," said Fisherman, tipping his hat to Jack. "How can old Billy-Bob- Joe-Bob-Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob- Steve help you today?"
"Can I borrow your fishing pole?" asked Jack. "Sure thing," said Billy-Bob- Jo-erm, Fisherman. "Press Y button."
Jack examined the pole. Sure enough, there was a little button on it, reading "Y". He stood at the edge of a pond, and pressed the button. The pole made a neat cast, and Jack relaxed, waiting for a bite. Soon, he felt a tug on his rod. He heaved on the pole, and a little fish landed behind him. He picked it up, and cried, "Fish!" The fish smiled at him. Jack dropped it in surprise. Smoke appeared around the fish, and it transformed into...Ellen!
"I am the ghost of Christmas present!" she announced. Jack glanced at Fisherman. He was inside of his tent, gettin' jiggy with Setsuna. Ellen smacked Jack across the face. "Hello!" she cried. "Can't a dead girl get some attention around here?"
Jack put a hand to his tender cheek. "OK, dumbass," said Ellen, "it's time for me to show you other people in the present. You know the routine; let's go." She grabbed his wrist, and started flying. Jack wondered how a ghost could slap so hard.
They soon came to a little apartment in the city. "Hey!" exclaimed Jack. "That's where my parents live!" "No shit, Sherlock," said Ellen. Jack wondered why both Ellen and Eve called him "dumbass" and used that phrase.
They flew through the window, where they saw Jack's parents. His mother was crying, as usual, and his father was waggling his finger at her. "Our son!" wailed Jack's mother between sobs. "How can he sleep around so much?"
"Easily," replied his father, continuing the incessant finger waggling. "The boy's got a huge...talent...for getting women in bed."
His mother's volume increased. "But WHY?" she moaned. "Doesn't he understand how hard it will be for his future children to marry without it being incest?"
"Oh, dear," said his father gently, still waggling his finger. "Just because he sleeps with every damn woman available doesn't mean that they'll all give birth! That's impossible! Why, if it happened to me, I'd be related to the world!" Jack's mother continued crying, shattering some glass with her loud cries.
"Let's go," said Ellen, pulling at Jack's wrist and flying away through the window. "Wait!" he said as they were flying back. "I didn't have sex with Eve!"
"Yes you did," said Ellen. "You were just too stoned to remember."
"I didn't do anything with Nina, you, the Fortune-Teller, the mayor's wife, your mother, the little redhead girl, or the Florist!" Ellen giggled, shaking her head. "You just keep telling yourself that, Jacky-boy," she said. Jack froze in horror, and only unfroze when Ellen dumped him into the middle of the fishpond.
Jack climbed out, shivering. He wasn't cold, but the thought of fucking the Fortune-Teller horrified him to no end. He walked up to the summit, gazing at the marvelous view and calming his nerves. Suddenly, he noticed a small pink flower to his right. He leaned over to smell it, and it bit him on the nose.
"Ow!!!" cried Jack, prying the flower off his nose. The flower fell to the ground. Little electric sparks danced around the fallen flower. The evil biting flower turned into... Nina!
"Nina ghost of Christmas future!" she cried, doing an evil, cannibalistic dance. Jack backed away. "Cheese monkey!" she screeched. She grabbed his wrist and they flew high into the air.
"Where are we going?" cried Jack. "Going to future, dumbass," replied Nina. The world swirled around violently, and Jack wondered if he should just change his name to "Dumbass". It would be much easier that way.
He looked down on the village, many years into the future. It had changed so much! His farm was smaller, but much more organized. The crossroads had two added paths. The mountains were formed strangely, and the layout was completely different. The village had changed beyond his powers of description. One of the newly added branches to the crossroads had another farm on it, filled with animals. A small path there led down to the beach. The other path led up to a thriving vineyard. It was beautiful! A little sign swung at the entrance to the town. "Welcome to Flower Bud Village," it said. The town had a name now! Amazing!
Nina and Jack swooped down into the "new" area. They landed neatly in the crossroads. Jack saw something he knew he would never forget. Himself! It was a different, younger version of him. The other Jack was wearing the same clothes, but his hat had a yellow bill, and he was wearing a backpack. SNES Jack stood still, gaping at his future grandson.
"It's me!" he said to Nina. "No shit, Sherlock," said Nina, rolling her eyes. Jack had an intense urge to punch her. Luckily for Nina, she was saved by a beautiful girl who happened to be walking down from the vineyard. She had brown hair with blonde streaks in it, and vivid green eyes. She wore a white shirt, denim shorts, a purple vest, and large, muddy boots.
"Hey Karen," said Jack's grandson.
"Hey, Jake," said the beautiful girl. "What's up?"
"Nothing much," replied Jake, handing Karen a big purple berry. "Kyaaaa!" exclaimed Karen happily. "I love this! I'm so happy!" She gave Jake a peck on the cheek. "See you, baby," said Jake, and he walked into town. Jack followed his future grandson, intent on seeing who he would meet next.
Jake walked up to a pink-haired girl that looked disturbingly like Nina. Nina nudged Jack. "See?" she said. "That our granddaughter." Jake walked up to the girl and handed her a flower.
"No, you fool!" screamed Jack, reaching for the boy. The girl just smiled. "Oh, Jake," said the pink-haired spawn of Satan (well, she *is* Nina's granddaughter), "you're so sweet. When are you going to marry one of us?" She batted her eyes sweetly.
"Popuri, you know I'm not into things like that," he replied. "I need to find out my history first...then I'll consider a wife." Popuri smiled and kissed Jake on the cheek. "Until then, keep me in mind!" she said, and continued watering the sidewalk.
Jake walked into a bakery, where he encountered a girl that looked like Ellen in a dress. "See, Jack get jiggy with Ellen, too," Nina said. Jack shook his head in disbelief.
Jake, however, waltzed up to the girl and gave her a large bottle of milk. She beamed at him. "Thank you, Jake!" she said, hugging him tightly.
"Elli!" laughed Jake. "I need to breathe, you know!"
Elli laughed, releasing him. "Rick got the blue feather in today," she said, blushing. "Are you gonna buy it?"
Jake shook his head. "Not yet, Elli," he said, stroking her short hair. "Maybe sometime in the future."
"Alright," said Elli sadly. "Bye!"
Jake left the bakery, and walked toward the renovated tool shop. A girl with a yellow shirt, overalls, and bright red hair greeted him. "Hey, Jake!" she said cheerfully.
"Hey, Ann." Jack could easily figure out whose grandchild this was. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Ann said, smiling.
Jake nodded and handed her a flower. "Thanks!" said Ann. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jake smiled and walked out, listening to Ann's voice incessantly repeating "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jack made a mental note to get Ann an abortion.
Jake walked on, and entered a little library. "Hey, Maria," he said. This girl was of obvious parenting as well, though Jack wasn't so sure where she got the black hair from.
"Hello, Jake," she said. "The book on your history came in."
Jake pumped a fist in the air. "Yes!" he cried. Maria handed him the old, moldy book, and he began thumbing through it eagerly. The corners of a few of the pages fell off.
"Jake?" Maria asked timidly. Jake acknowledged her. "Why did you want that book so much?"
Jake sighed. "Maria, have you ever wondered why I've been here two years and haven't got married yet?" Maria shook her head. "My grandfather, Jack, slept around so much when he lived in this village that I could actually be related to everyone in this town. I need this book on my history to see who I'm not related to. I love all of you girls dearly, but I don't want to be incestuous!"
Maria sighed. "There's no chance of us being together, then, if I'm related to you?" Jake shook his head. "I'm sorry, Maria. But, Harris the mailman has a huge crush on you!"
Maria made a disgusted face. "A mailman?" she asked incredulously. "Yeah, right! I'm the mayor's daughter! I can have whoever I want! And I'd like it if you visited the library between jobs." Jake shook his head, and took the book back home with him. Jack was very depressed about the situation his grandson was in, and was trying to kill himself by smashing himself repeatedly over the head with a book on knitting. "Dumbass!" cried Nina's ghost. She grabbed him and dragged him over to Jake's farm.
Jake sat reading his book with Koro at his feet. Jack was quite surprised that the damn dog was still alive. He shrugged, and read his future family tree over Jake's shoulder.
"Eve and Jack. Offspring: Sasha and (Cliff's parent). Sasha and Gotz. Offspring: Karen. (Cliff's parent) and (Cliff's other parent): Cliff and *smudge*."
Jake sighed. "Well," he said, "I know my parents aren't Sasha and Gotz, so I guess I'm Cliff's brother. That would make me Karen's cousin. I can't marry her." Jack mentally slapped himself for being attracted to his granddaughter.
"Ellen and Jack. Offspring: (Elli's parent). (Elli's parent) and (Elli's other parent): Elli and Jake." "Oh my God!" cried Jake. "I had sexual fantasies about my sister!" He shuddered, and continued reading.
"Nina and Jack. Offspring: Lilia and *smudge*. Lilia and Basil: Popuri." Jake sighed again. "Another cousin," he said wistfully.
"Maria (blue hair) and Jack. Offspring: Mayor's wife. Mayor's wife and Mayor: Maria. Mayor's wife and (name of Jake's father): Jake." Jake raised the corner of his mouth in a half smile. The book had a full page of how many people the Mayor's wife had slept with. Poor woman. The biggest thing her husband had was his nose.
"Half sister," said Jake, and continued reading. "Ann and Jack. Offspring: Doug and (Jake's father). Doug and *smudge*: Ann." Jake sighed. "Yet another cousin," he said. Suddenly, it hit him: he was related to every girl in the village. Jake turned his head toward the roof and howled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His screams turned to violent sobs as he realized there was no one left for him to love.
"Please, Nina!" Jack gasped. "Take me away from this horrid place! I can't bear it anymore!" Nina shrugged. "Okay," she said. She grabbed his wrist, and took him back to his own time, where he retired, sobbing on his bed.
His house was a mess. Jack hadn't gotten the opportunity to clean up after the huge party. All types of drugs, both legal and illegal, were scattered in various corners of the room. Random clothing articles were hung on his furniture, excluding his boxers that he still hadn't found. He looked under the table, and noticed the drunk lying there, either passed out, in a coma, or dead. Jack really didn't care which, but his house was starting to smell bad, so he grabbed a shovel and threw the body on his plot of "special" grass. Maybe that would make it grow faster so he could actually feed his poor, starving, drugged-up chicken. Maybe it would be easier if he just ate the damn thing.
Jack looked around for his dog, Koro. He found the mutt out on his porch, sleeping with Vicky. "What?" asked Vicky innocently. "Farmer-man too spent to satisfy Vicky, so Vicky needed get new lay." Jack shrugged, not really caring. He was happy as long as somebody was taking care of his dog in some way, shape or form.
He walked out to the crossroads, deciding to take a hike in the mountains. A little pony was standing in the middle of the road. "A horse!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I think I'll take it home." He started to lead the horse away. It bit him hard in the ass.
"OWWWW!" screamed Jack painfully, running around in circles. The horse laughed, and turned into... Eve! Jack shrieked in horror. "Hi!" said Eve. "I'm the ghost of Christmas past!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "It's the fifth of spring," he pointed out. "I don't care!" said Eve, grabbing his wrist. "I'm going to pick you up and fly you to places of your childhood!" She started flying through the air, dragging Jack behind her.
"Why?" he cried piteously. "Because," she said, "you have no heart!" His brow furrowed. "Yes I do!" he replied. "Just shut up you dumbass!" said Eve, and put some duct tape over his mouth.
Soon they came flying over a little elementary school, with a yard full of playing children. "It's my old school!" cried Jack. "No shit, Sherlock," Eve replied. They landed among the playing children. One of them had a little blue cap and overalls on, and he sported a red bandana around his neck.
"Hey!" cried Jack. "It's me!" Eve rolled her eyes. The little Jack was holding a little girl's hand. She had green hair, and wore a little red, lacy dress. It was very cute. "Who the hell is that?" asked Eve.
Jack sighed dreamily. "That's Ima Goodshag. She was the prettiest girl in school, and my first girlfriend."
Eve raised an eyebrow at the name. "Really?" she asked. "So she was your 'first'?" Jack caught what she meant and nodded, blushing. The two turned their attention back to the children.
"Let's go behind the slide, Jack," said Ima.
"Why?" he asked.
"I want to...play..." replied Ima slyly. She winked.
Jack's brow furrowed in confusion. "We can play right here," he said.
Ima let out an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," she said. "You don't get it. This is a special kind of play. We need to hide to play this game, OK?"
Little Jack shrugged innocently. "OK," he said, and followed her behind the slide, where he proceeded to lose his virginity. "Why did you bring me here?" Big Jack asked Eve.
Eve sighed. "Have you been a dumbass your entire life?" She figured that this question didn't need answering, and continued. "You'll get the moral after the third ghost visits you." Jack nodded, comprehending. "Now, let's get you back," she said. "I'm missing 'Bachelors of the Hereafter.'" With that, she grabbed his wrist and flew him back to his own time, dumping him in the crossroads.
Jack stood up, coughing to get the dust out of his mouth. I need a vacation, he thought as he walked up into the mountains. He walked up to Fisherman.
"Howdy," said Fisherman, tipping his hat to Jack. "How can old Billy-Bob- Joe-Bob-Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob- Steve help you today?"
"Can I borrow your fishing pole?" asked Jack. "Sure thing," said Billy-Bob- Jo-erm, Fisherman. "Press Y button."
Jack examined the pole. Sure enough, there was a little button on it, reading "Y". He stood at the edge of a pond, and pressed the button. The pole made a neat cast, and Jack relaxed, waiting for a bite. Soon, he felt a tug on his rod. He heaved on the pole, and a little fish landed behind him. He picked it up, and cried, "Fish!" The fish smiled at him. Jack dropped it in surprise. Smoke appeared around the fish, and it transformed into...Ellen!
"I am the ghost of Christmas present!" she announced. Jack glanced at Fisherman. He was inside of his tent, gettin' jiggy with Setsuna. Ellen smacked Jack across the face. "Hello!" she cried. "Can't a dead girl get some attention around here?"
Jack put a hand to his tender cheek. "OK, dumbass," said Ellen, "it's time for me to show you other people in the present. You know the routine; let's go." She grabbed his wrist, and started flying. Jack wondered how a ghost could slap so hard.
They soon came to a little apartment in the city. "Hey!" exclaimed Jack. "That's where my parents live!" "No shit, Sherlock," said Ellen. Jack wondered why both Ellen and Eve called him "dumbass" and used that phrase.
They flew through the window, where they saw Jack's parents. His mother was crying, as usual, and his father was waggling his finger at her. "Our son!" wailed Jack's mother between sobs. "How can he sleep around so much?"
"Easily," replied his father, continuing the incessant finger waggling. "The boy's got a huge...talent...for getting women in bed."
His mother's volume increased. "But WHY?" she moaned. "Doesn't he understand how hard it will be for his future children to marry without it being incest?"
"Oh, dear," said his father gently, still waggling his finger. "Just because he sleeps with every damn woman available doesn't mean that they'll all give birth! That's impossible! Why, if it happened to me, I'd be related to the world!" Jack's mother continued crying, shattering some glass with her loud cries.
"Let's go," said Ellen, pulling at Jack's wrist and flying away through the window. "Wait!" he said as they were flying back. "I didn't have sex with Eve!"
"Yes you did," said Ellen. "You were just too stoned to remember."
"I didn't do anything with Nina, you, the Fortune-Teller, the mayor's wife, your mother, the little redhead girl, or the Florist!" Ellen giggled, shaking her head. "You just keep telling yourself that, Jacky-boy," she said. Jack froze in horror, and only unfroze when Ellen dumped him into the middle of the fishpond.
Jack climbed out, shivering. He wasn't cold, but the thought of fucking the Fortune-Teller horrified him to no end. He walked up to the summit, gazing at the marvelous view and calming his nerves. Suddenly, he noticed a small pink flower to his right. He leaned over to smell it, and it bit him on the nose.
"Ow!!!" cried Jack, prying the flower off his nose. The flower fell to the ground. Little electric sparks danced around the fallen flower. The evil biting flower turned into... Nina!
"Nina ghost of Christmas future!" she cried, doing an evil, cannibalistic dance. Jack backed away. "Cheese monkey!" she screeched. She grabbed his wrist and they flew high into the air.
"Where are we going?" cried Jack. "Going to future, dumbass," replied Nina. The world swirled around violently, and Jack wondered if he should just change his name to "Dumbass". It would be much easier that way.
He looked down on the village, many years into the future. It had changed so much! His farm was smaller, but much more organized. The crossroads had two added paths. The mountains were formed strangely, and the layout was completely different. The village had changed beyond his powers of description. One of the newly added branches to the crossroads had another farm on it, filled with animals. A small path there led down to the beach. The other path led up to a thriving vineyard. It was beautiful! A little sign swung at the entrance to the town. "Welcome to Flower Bud Village," it said. The town had a name now! Amazing!
Nina and Jack swooped down into the "new" area. They landed neatly in the crossroads. Jack saw something he knew he would never forget. Himself! It was a different, younger version of him. The other Jack was wearing the same clothes, but his hat had a yellow bill, and he was wearing a backpack. SNES Jack stood still, gaping at his future grandson.
"It's me!" he said to Nina. "No shit, Sherlock," said Nina, rolling her eyes. Jack had an intense urge to punch her. Luckily for Nina, she was saved by a beautiful girl who happened to be walking down from the vineyard. She had brown hair with blonde streaks in it, and vivid green eyes. She wore a white shirt, denim shorts, a purple vest, and large, muddy boots.
"Hey Karen," said Jack's grandson.
"Hey, Jake," said the beautiful girl. "What's up?"
"Nothing much," replied Jake, handing Karen a big purple berry. "Kyaaaa!" exclaimed Karen happily. "I love this! I'm so happy!" She gave Jake a peck on the cheek. "See you, baby," said Jake, and he walked into town. Jack followed his future grandson, intent on seeing who he would meet next.
Jake walked up to a pink-haired girl that looked disturbingly like Nina. Nina nudged Jack. "See?" she said. "That our granddaughter." Jake walked up to the girl and handed her a flower.
"No, you fool!" screamed Jack, reaching for the boy. The girl just smiled. "Oh, Jake," said the pink-haired spawn of Satan (well, she *is* Nina's granddaughter), "you're so sweet. When are you going to marry one of us?" She batted her eyes sweetly.
"Popuri, you know I'm not into things like that," he replied. "I need to find out my history first...then I'll consider a wife." Popuri smiled and kissed Jake on the cheek. "Until then, keep me in mind!" she said, and continued watering the sidewalk.
Jake walked into a bakery, where he encountered a girl that looked like Ellen in a dress. "See, Jack get jiggy with Ellen, too," Nina said. Jack shook his head in disbelief.
Jake, however, waltzed up to the girl and gave her a large bottle of milk. She beamed at him. "Thank you, Jake!" she said, hugging him tightly.
"Elli!" laughed Jake. "I need to breathe, you know!"
Elli laughed, releasing him. "Rick got the blue feather in today," she said, blushing. "Are you gonna buy it?"
Jake shook his head. "Not yet, Elli," he said, stroking her short hair. "Maybe sometime in the future."
"Alright," said Elli sadly. "Bye!"
Jake left the bakery, and walked toward the renovated tool shop. A girl with a yellow shirt, overalls, and bright red hair greeted him. "Hey, Jake!" she said cheerfully.
"Hey, Ann." Jack could easily figure out whose grandchild this was. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Ann said, smiling.
Jake nodded and handed her a flower. "Thanks!" said Ann. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jake smiled and walked out, listening to Ann's voice incessantly repeating "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jack made a mental note to get Ann an abortion.
Jake walked on, and entered a little library. "Hey, Maria," he said. This girl was of obvious parenting as well, though Jack wasn't so sure where she got the black hair from.
"Hello, Jake," she said. "The book on your history came in."
Jake pumped a fist in the air. "Yes!" he cried. Maria handed him the old, moldy book, and he began thumbing through it eagerly. The corners of a few of the pages fell off.
"Jake?" Maria asked timidly. Jake acknowledged her. "Why did you want that book so much?"
Jake sighed. "Maria, have you ever wondered why I've been here two years and haven't got married yet?" Maria shook her head. "My grandfather, Jack, slept around so much when he lived in this village that I could actually be related to everyone in this town. I need this book on my history to see who I'm not related to. I love all of you girls dearly, but I don't want to be incestuous!"
Maria sighed. "There's no chance of us being together, then, if I'm related to you?" Jake shook his head. "I'm sorry, Maria. But, Harris the mailman has a huge crush on you!"
Maria made a disgusted face. "A mailman?" she asked incredulously. "Yeah, right! I'm the mayor's daughter! I can have whoever I want! And I'd like it if you visited the library between jobs." Jake shook his head, and took the book back home with him. Jack was very depressed about the situation his grandson was in, and was trying to kill himself by smashing himself repeatedly over the head with a book on knitting. "Dumbass!" cried Nina's ghost. She grabbed him and dragged him over to Jake's farm.
Jake sat reading his book with Koro at his feet. Jack was quite surprised that the damn dog was still alive. He shrugged, and read his future family tree over Jake's shoulder.
"Eve and Jack. Offspring: Sasha and (Cliff's parent). Sasha and Gotz. Offspring: Karen. (Cliff's parent) and (Cliff's other parent): Cliff and *smudge*."
Jake sighed. "Well," he said, "I know my parents aren't Sasha and Gotz, so I guess I'm Cliff's brother. That would make me Karen's cousin. I can't marry her." Jack mentally slapped himself for being attracted to his granddaughter.
"Ellen and Jack. Offspring: (Elli's parent). (Elli's parent) and (Elli's other parent): Elli and Jake." "Oh my God!" cried Jake. "I had sexual fantasies about my sister!" He shuddered, and continued reading.
"Nina and Jack. Offspring: Lilia and *smudge*. Lilia and Basil: Popuri." Jake sighed again. "Another cousin," he said wistfully.
"Maria (blue hair) and Jack. Offspring: Mayor's wife. Mayor's wife and Mayor: Maria. Mayor's wife and (name of Jake's father): Jake." Jake raised the corner of his mouth in a half smile. The book had a full page of how many people the Mayor's wife had slept with. Poor woman. The biggest thing her husband had was his nose.
"Half sister," said Jake, and continued reading. "Ann and Jack. Offspring: Doug and (Jake's father). Doug and *smudge*: Ann." Jake sighed. "Yet another cousin," he said. Suddenly, it hit him: he was related to every girl in the village. Jake turned his head toward the roof and howled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His screams turned to violent sobs as he realized there was no one left for him to love.
"Please, Nina!" Jack gasped. "Take me away from this horrid place! I can't bear it anymore!" Nina shrugged. "Okay," she said. She grabbed his wrist, and took him back to his own time, where he retired, sobbing on his bed.