Coffee With Bullet
Chapter 5



Ever get the feeling no one's got your back/Caught up in themselves livin' lies besides the fact/Somehow you're going on an opposite track/As we recover from another social heart attack/ Sum 41, Dave's Possessed Hair/It's What We're All About



Margarete stares at the newly-human Yuri.

Did he mean to kill me? Even for a second? No, I don't believe he would. He couldn't. He meant nothing like it, it's just that his brain lost control.

Is this what Alice felt when he hot her?

Yuri, we thought, was the one who held us together. Now when he's falling apart himself, we can't bear the thought he wants to hurt us.

And now I don't trust my own thoughts.

Maybe I only believe his mind lost control because part of me can see it's hopeless. I don't want to believe he hates us, so I blame these things in his head.

Just like Alice did.

So who knows whose fault it is? It could be anybody's fault. It's probably everybody's fault.
And if it's everybody's fault then it may as well be nobody's fault.

If we're all to blame, I can't see any point in blaming anyone at all.

It's an unhappy coincidence, and the situation has been made worse by our own separate traits. . .

It's a lot more my fault than I'd thought, isn't it?

I still haven't convinced myself I trust my own thoughts. So how can any of them trust me?
Maybe they don't. But I trust them, and they seem to trust me.

I trust myself- and everyone else- less and less as I think.

I have to trust someone, don't I? Oh, I do trust them, I do. It's just stupid little thoughts saying I don't. So, I don't trust my thoughts but-

What the bloody hell else is there to trust?
Absolutely nothing. Well, we're all alone now. But who's ?
Alice, Zhuzhen, Yuri and me.

I think we can do this together now.



Yuri stares back at Margarete. Little memories begin to return, fragments of what just happened. They don't make a lot of sense to him.

The hotel room, Zhuzhen told me about. . .
. . . 15 years ago.

He still hates to think the words his father's death. It makes everything seem so cold, so harsh, so unforgiving.

His father is dead.

Dead is such an ugly word, he finds it conjures up images of soulless, maggoty corpses. Empty, cadavers, no person left at all.

He can't bear to think of hs father like that. When he remembers his father from his childhood he was warm, protective, laughing. He can picture his father's face smiling- although now he isn't sure whether these memories are a false picture built from the very little he has very been told about his father. He wouldn't want to remember bad things, would he? There is one time he can remember perfectly, and that time his father's face is apologetic.

He didn't want to leave, but he had to.
What was so fucking important that he had to leave THEN? Why then? If only he'd stayed, none of this would have happened! He'd have been there when. . . he'd have been there when. . .

No use in all this wishing. He really did have to go. If he hadn't gone it would have worked out worse. Couldn't this all have been so much worse?
How the fuck could it get any worse?

He knows he has to come to terms with this. All he'd been doing was hiding the fact from himself, refusing to accept it for years.

After all, it's not the fact he's dead that's a shock. I knew that already. It's who killed him. And how it happened, the way there was no alternative, no way to avoid his death. It should be a comfort, I know that, but it isn't.
Why did it have to be Zhuzhen? Why did it have to be a friend who killed him?
A friend to me and to my father.
It had to happen.
Accept it.

And if I can't do that, it's time I stopped thinking about it. Stop thinking about who I blame. Stop blaming everyone. Stop blaming anyone. Stop thinking for now. There's so much else to sort out, I can't afford to let my demons out. When this is all over, then I'll decide what I think and whose fault it is.
Just keep a lid on it for now, for everyone's sake, or I could do anything. Maybe it's too late. . . What did I do, back at the hotel?

He struggles to come up with a coherent recollection. The memories have shattered and scattered, spilt all over his mind. It's hard to find the right bits and put them back together in the correct order.


I was afraid, I was panicking. Everyone was staring at me, like they wanted a speech or something. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone in my own head as well. I could hardly hear over Fox-Face. I wanted to scream.
. . . And then Alice touched my arm. I couldn't bear to be touched. I couldn't bear to be near her either. I was furious at everyone, I knew she was the one I had no reason to be angry at. This made some part of me even more angry because it wanted to blame whoever was closest. Another part of me hated that part. I was so confused, frustrated, I freaked out, I. . .

. . . I hit Alice? Did I? It seems like what I'd do then, but I can't remember a lot after that. Blurred lines and shaking. The cold sea air and I was on the docks with an argument inside my mind.

I've really fucked up now! How could I hit her? I must seem like the worst kind of bastard.
Am I?


Margarete watches Yuri's face, the changes in emotion, and Yuri is the first of the pair to speak.

Margarete. . . Back in that hotel room. . . What did I do? Did I hit Alice?'

He doesn't remember? What goes on in his bloody head?!

Yes,' she replies, still angry and a little cold. You did hit her.'

Yuri swears under his breath. . . . And then . . . What did she say? What happened after that?'

Well, you just ran off. Alice had an awful nosebleed. Still she never said a word against you. I think she just blames whatever's in your head. She wants to think that you are different from all that. She wants to be protected by you. She needs to be, all things considered. Are you going to do that?' Now Margarete sounds severe, though secretly she's still wondering jut how much of this she is to blame for.

Hell,' Yuri murmours, staring at his feet. How can she still. . . I mean. . . .' He can feel the slight beginning of the headache that heralds his mysterious voice making contact with him. he knows what it's going to tell him. Before it gets the chance to, he reaches a decision. At this he raises his head and looks straight at Margarete. Yeah, sure I will.'

She eyes him sternly. You'd better go and tell her then.'


***


Itakura slips into a hidden corner a couple of streets away from the harbour. He's in an narrow, dirty alley, seemingly deserted. Pulling out his radio intercom, he bashes in the number for Suketani and waits.

Lieutenant Suketani? This is Sergeant Major Itakura reporting from Shanghai.'


So?' Suketani sounds irritable and distracted. Have you located the group yet?'

Yes. . . Well, most of them. Malkovich and Elliott, and the man- his name is Yuri. They're staying in a hotel in the Huayuan district. Still no sign of Kawashima and Kato.'

Suketani sighs in annoyance.

Well, observe the group. Find out what happened. . . . And Itakura. . .'

Yes?'

The Army has decided that this situation provides an ideal opportunity to. . . kill two birds with one stone, as it were. . .'

How?' Two birds with one stone? What on earth is he talking about? This had better not have anything to do with. . .

The Army feels this group should be incorporated into the ongoing struggle against Dehuai, if it is at all possible. They would certainly be very useful. Now, if Kato and Kawashima are present anywhere, tis ought to be easy enough. If not, perhaps Malkovich is still on our side. If she is not. . . Oh, just do your best, I'm sure you're capable. If you have not done so already, it would be best if you got some new clothes- wandering around wearing the uniform is bound to get you noticed. What you have to do is get the group to go to the Temple at Wuhan. Dehuai has settled there, and it looks long term. We'll have troops there too, of course, but you'll be informed what to do next when you get there.'

Wuhan? How the hell will I persuade them to go to Wuhan?! This is insane! Suketani can't have thought this through at all!

yes, sir.'

He hears an intake of breath, as if Suketani was about to say something else. But before he speaks, there is a click and the line goes dead.



***



Margarete and Yuri make their way back to the hotel, Yuri quiet and awkward. In his head, he tries planning what he will say to Alice, Zhuzhen, or anyone, and he draws a complete blank.
Just have to wait and see what happens. As usual.
As they approach the door to the room, a low buzz of of conversation is clearly audible from behind it. Even so, it proves impossible for Margarete to make out the words.

Yuri opens the door and all voices cease as instantly as they would if someone had flicked a switch. Yuri casts an apprehensive glance about the group. Zhuzhen and Mr. Zhen had been talking, probably about yuri, judging by their immediate fall into silence at his entry. Zhuzhen looks at him in a faintly apologetic manner, but stays silent.

Alice is sitting on one of the beds, near the wall. She is talking with Quihua in a voice barely above a whisper- presumably for the purpose of preventing others from overhearing. Yuri gestures with one hand to Quihua, signaling that he would like a chance to talk to Alice alone.


Leaving the two to get on with their conversation, Margarete and Quihua both move over to the opposite corner of the room, where Zhuzhen and Mr. Zhen stand.

Do you think Alice is gonna be OK?' Margarete murmours to Quihua. She glances across the room. Yuri is making some excuse or other. Margarete wonders what it is. I'm not sure that I lost control would cut it. He doesn't have much of an excuse, really. He has to count on her being forgiving about him losing his temper. She will be, I expect. But if I was her he'd be needing scraped off the wall right about now. . .

I think she'll be fine,' Quihua breathes back. But. . . does Yuri do this sort of thing often? I am worried about her. She seems to trust him so much.'

She's a very trusting person. . . But no, this is the first time he's ever done anything like that, as far as I know. He'd better not do it again, or. . .' Margarete sighs. I don't know. See, she has to trust him, because if she doesn't. . . Well, he's protecting her from-'

Roger Bacon, and Dehuai?'

How much has he said?' Margarete asks incredulously, waving her hand in Zhuzhen's vague direction.

I don't know if I was meant to hear or not,' Quihua explains. He was talking to Father. I don't think Alice noticed- or at least, she didn't seem to. But I really couldn't help hearing. . .'

Margarete shakes her head. Well, I don't mind, you won't tell anyone. It's just that I hope Zhuzhen will keep his voice down in future- anyone could be listening.'

At this ominous statement Quihua blinks alarmedly.

Oh, it should be fine. Don't worry about it. . .'

Margarete keeps flicking her eyes over to Yuri and Alice, trying to figure out what's going on between them. Yuri is speaking softly, his head bent close to Alice's. All Margarete can make out from lip-reading are stock phrases such as I'm sorry and never again, accompanied by a rueful shake of the head. After a longer than usual, totally incomprehensible sentence, Yuri suddenly leans in and hugs Alice. She nervously flinches and reflexively draws back, startled. Yuri quickly withdraws, aware he'd better not push it at this delicate stage. Margarete hopes that they're both unaware she saw that.

Did Zhuzhen say anything else?' she asks Quihua, who nods.

He said that if Dehuai is indeed attempting the same thing he tried fifteen years ago, he thinks he'll go to Wuhan after a man called Master Xifa-'

What?' Margarete turns around and taps Zhuzhen on the arm, disturbing him from his hushed conversation with Mr. Zhen. Zhuzhen! Who's Master Xifa! What are you-


Yuri and Alice both look over at this, and Margarete realises she must have spoken more loudly than she'd intended. Damn! I'm gonna have to learn to keep quiet too- the Japanese Army could be here, that guy earlier said he saw one of them. No harm done now, I suppose. . .


Who is Master Xifa?' a confused Alice echoes- she thinks she's missed something from an earlier conversation. A look around at the other's faces tells her no one understands, hardly even Zhuzhen. . .


The two subgatherings of people are still at opposite corners of the room, and in anticipation of Zhuzhen's explanation they gravitate towards each other, slowly and still a little awkwardly. Yuri doesn't know how the others feel towards him- is his outburst forgiven, or, more likely, forgotten? Or are they still looking at him warily, watching out of the corners of their eyes, keeping their distance just a little more, adding a thin, cold layer of subtle mistrust between himself and them?

How much do they think about me that they can't tell me? What did they say about me when I wasn't there? Did revenge ever cross their minds? Alice can't trust me now, can she? Even though she said she forgave me. . . If I was her I'd fucking hate me. If I was her I might even leave. But Alice can't go, can she? If she's out there on her own, Dehuai'll get to her and she'll be dead. So it isn't like she has a choice. Maybe she feels trapped. Maybe she's afraid of me. The only reason she's here is it's me, or Dehuai. . .

Take comfort in the fact you're not quite so bad as Dehuai- yet,' remarks Fox-Face. Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself. You brought all this on yourself anyway. It's your own fault.'

I know. I know.



Master Xifa,' Zhuzhen is saying when Yuri pulls himself out of his train of thought, protects the underground temple at Wuhan. Fifteen years ago, Colonel Hyuga placed the Votive Picture in the care of Master Xifa, thinking it would be safe there. It's one of the Gods Of The Four Directions. . . . And if Dehuai is going to try the Valorisation again. it'll be Wuhan he goes to.'

So we have to go to Wuhan?' asks Margarete.

Zhuzhen nods solemnly. Yuri,' he says with the serious air of one who knows they are making a historically important announcement. Are you prepared to follow in the footsteps of your father, to go to Wuhan and defeat Dehuai?'


You can't,' Fox-Face spits. You're far too weak. Don't even try. There's no way you could ever do this.'

I will do it!' retorts Yuri, out loud. Margarete raises one eyebrow minutely, wondering why he sounded so spiteful. At least the kid seems to have got his head screwed on right again.

Zhuzhen looks around at the assembled group.

So we're going to Wuhan. . . Yuri, Alice, Margarete, and me.'











Thank you everyone who reviewed the last two chapters: aegis, Nights Mistress and gutterfeind for chapter 10; aegis, leels and kimgrasshopper for 11.


I forgot to put the review thingy on Chapter 11, because it was three in the morning and I hadn't slept for four days. That is a pathetic excuse, but if I was going to lie about it, I would make up something better, like half the author note got abducted by aliens. . I should shut the hell up now. . . .