On the other side

We stepped out, unsure of ourselves, we looked cautiously around us. All of a sudden we didn't feel very confident. Ashley Donovan felt as far removed from her fearless leader status as is humanly possible instead returning to the shy, introverted freak that had entered the mansion, which to me at that precise moment felt like millenniums ago.

Crash

Kat jumped clutching onto my arm "I don't like this!" She whimpered

On my left I felt Mel begin to tremble with fear.

I stood up straight determined to be strong for my team mates, my friends, hell my family when inside I was a plate of jelly who wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for mummy!

I turned around quickly, shocked at what I saw

"Fancy seeing you here!" Came Jubilees perky voice

"What the hell do you think you're doing here? It's too bloody dangerous!" My fright had made me angry for being so weak.

"It don't look to hostile!" Jubes said looking at the green foliage surrounding us.

"Besides you didn't think we'd let you have all the fun!" Ev said with an apprehensive grin

I sighed before smiling; god was I glad to see them! If only I was good at saying thank you, why am I so pathetic that I can not share my emotions?

"Thanks a lot you guy's! You know you didn't have to but it means a lot that you chose to!" Mel expressed my thoughts in her easy eloquent manner.

Mel, Kat, Jubes and Ev had a group hug; I stood back feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. Kat looked at me and with perception uncanny for her she grabbed my sleeve and pulled me to the group. It felt strange to be hugged, I hadn't been hugged since…well since I was little and my mum used to hug me. It felt good, I drank in what ever solace, comfort and courage I could from them as I was sure they was doing as well.

"Is this a private party or can anyone joins?"

We all looked up at the sound of the familiar voice.

Jubilees face was the first to break into a smile and hurled herself at the body shrouded in shadow.

"Wolverine!"

"What the hell ya doin' here?" He asked

"More to the point what are you doing here?" Mel asked

"I came home no one was about I followed my nose and saw the twins eya come through the portal an' I thought I'd see that they weren't getting into mischief"

"Goody!" Kat hurled herself at the man she had previously been scared of "Will you take us home!"

"Kat stop it! He can't take us home we're here for a reason!" I began walking finding courage in the expanded group, I knew that everything was going to be fine!

Crash, Splat

I turned around

"BOBBY!" Kat squealed as she hurled herself at him, she then began taunting Mel "My boyfriends come to save me! Has yours! NO! Mine loves me yours don't, mine loves me yours don't!"

Hell this was just like old times

"One last mission as just the 5 of us right!" Ev said before remembering Wolverine who was glowering "Okay 6 of us…" It was Bobby's turn to pout now "I give up!" Ev threw her hands in the air.

"So who's gonna tell me what's goin' on?" He thought for a moment "An' where we are?"

Nightfall

We had walked for over 6 hours and had stopped only now as the eerie pitch blackness that shrouded us had prevented us from seeing the path ahead. Jubilee, Evelyn, Kat and Bobby were all sleeping, I sat staring at the fire deep in thought. Why was I courage when I held so much fear in my heart? A fear so dark and deep it left me feeling hollow. I knew why I was scared, I had told Mel and Kat that we may not ever go back to earth as a way to prepare them for the worst, but it seemed that I had picked up on something that they hadn't, I knew that one of us would never return and I knew who that person was….it was…

"What are you thinking about?" Mel asked looking through the flames at me

I snapped from my thoughts and noticed that my hand was curled around my dog tags.

I sighed "Nothing important"

Mel looked like she needed to talk and I looked around to see if there was someone up who was good at the whole comforting, sympathetic thing, I sighed again, Wolverine was the only other person still awake. At this moment Wolverine slid off of one of the logs we had dragged around the edge of the fire and began busying himself by collecting more wood for the fire, he seemed to know that Mel needed to talk and thought that I would oblige. I really didn't want the burden of her feelings on me too, I was having enough problem trying to decipher my own emotions, is that wrong? But she was my friend so I asked

"You?"

"I'm thinking about home you know earth" I nodded "Particularly my childhood with my adoptive parents and how happy I was, I have never been that happy again then I found out I was a mutant and I had to go to Xavier's and it ruined everything, I've never been as close to them since, not because I'm a mutant but because I have changed, I changed without them. I guess I'm kind of hoping that that isn't going to happen between me and Kurt"

I look around, should I tell her what I think? Or should I tell her what she wants to hear? I wish I wasn't in this situation, if I could change myself somehow I would make myself more in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others, more willing and able to talk to others.

I sighed, uncomfortable before starting falteringly "The way I see it is…well that we will never be the same we were before again….um…just like we are not the same as we were yesterday or the day before that, each day changes us, but I think….no I know…that Kurt and you, your together and he'll stand by you no matter how you change he will still feel the same about you….well unless you become a mass murderer in the manner of jack the ripper!" God did I feel like an idiot? I never, I repeat never, want to be in that position again!

Mel got up, to make her way to the 'sleeping' area "Thanks Ash! That is more comfort then you will ever know!"

Okay so not the reaction I expected I usually got laughed at when I tried to be deep and philosophical. But I thought back to what Mel said and understood on a small level what she was feeling absence/separation and death are not as different as you would think only there is no suffering in death.

 I knew sleep would be futile so I sat on watch comforted by Wolverines bulk moving about behind me, comforted by the familiar smell of his cigars in a world where even rain smelt different, it smelt some how sweeter, unaffected by pollution.

I went back to staring into the burning fire worrying about how Mel and Kat were going to cope, what they felt about it all and made a silent oath that like it or not I would be there for them when ever they needed me (well unless they need a hug or something). I thought about how much they had given up to come here, their team, their lives, their homes, their loves everything. Now I had Jubes, Ev and Bobby too worry about too, how would they cope being involved in a huge conflict that had nothing to do with them? I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders. Hell, Linsarian nights were cold I thought with a shudder.

I felt Wolverine sit down beside me "What you thinkin' bout short stuff?"

I smiled I was only about an inch shorter then him. Should I tell him? But before I could stop myself I began telling him about all the support the others would need, how hard it was for them before he interrupted me

"What about you? How do you feel?"

That was the first time anyone had asked me that, it had always been how's Mel coping? Is Kat okay with this? Hell, I had forgotten about myself and how I felt about the situation, no one had asked so I assumed that it wasn't important. I was their leader, I held them together, I was fearless, I had no thoughts and emotions outside of the welfare of my team right? Wrong! I felt so….I don't know

"No ones ever asked me that before!" I told him softly "I guess it doesn't matter anyway!"

I felt him stiffen next to me, and he growled in a way that I felt it convulse through his body next to mine. What had I said to make him angry? Did he smell an intruder?

"What?" I asked looking around

"Sometimes you can be so bloody stupid" He growled angrily "How can it not matter how you feel, it matters just as much as it matters how the others feel. You're in exactly the same boat as them!"

Now I was angry with him I stiffened "Why am I in the same boat as them? They all have people who they love and who love them and they had to leave them at home, I didn't have to leave anyone, hell, my mums out here already…somewhere" I glowered at him "Okay, I know Bobby came, but Ev's had to leave her family and Jubes has had to leave the only family she ever knew: the X-men. It was incredibly brave of them sacrificing there happiness for the lives of others!"

"It was brave of you too, don't you forget that you came knowing you are responsible for the lives of both the people of the planet but for you team….friends too, which makes it that much harder, because you don't know the population but you know and love yer friends"

"Still I didn't have to leave nothing, these guys made a hell of a sacrifice! Especially Ev, Jubes, Bobby and you, you have no connection to this place, so why should you give up your time, hell maybe even your life for the sake of this. Mel as well has given up her dreams and desires just when they are beginning to come true, it makes me seem stupid to feel anything"

"You are a human you can never feel stupid for feeling!"

"Like I said I am not qualified to have any feelings of sadness or regret because I have left nothing, they have left everything their stability, their roots, their love"

"That doesn't make it any easier" He spoke so softly so sadly this was a side of him I'd never seen before "Besides ya were leaving me!" He said a corner of his mouth turned upwards

I shook my head "I don't know how you can joke, you have left everything that matters to you to follow us…okay you didn't know you were doing it…but if I was you I would get mad at someone like me moaning about having to do this when I have left nothing and you have left everything"

"Everything?"

"Yeah, you know the people you like…." I cast my eyes down to my feet not wanting to say it in case he got mad but dammit he was bugging me "…the woman you love"

"The woman I love" he repeated as if testing how it sounded

"Won't you be mad if you miss your opportunity with Jean because you came here?" I asked puzzled

"I doubt that will happen" he spoke quietly, now I'd made him something worse then angry….I'd made him sad

I shivered through the cold and once again clutched the blanket around me tighter; I jumped and had to forcibly stop myself from pulling away when Wolverine pulled me to him in order to keep me warm from his own warmth, I felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, I had a problem with intimacy with anyone especially with my teachers and anyone older then myself.

"Ya know Sparky, I came here because you girls mean the world to me, okay ya can all drive me up the wall but I wouldn't change you for all the geeks in Rogue's or Cyke's class even Kat. When I came through that portal I wasn't thinking of Jean and what I was leaving behind but about helping the people who need me and who I… in some strange way… have come to need"

Okay something was going on with him; did he know what I knew? Was he on drug's or was he just feeling charitable?

Sat on the log in front of a blazing fire on a planet galaxies away from home, pulled close to the man who had been my only male figurehead I began to think about what I felt, I mean what I really felt not what I had showed to the others. I could taste the filth inside of me, and it needed to be cleansed, my soul needed to be cleansed, does anyone ever notice, or does anyone ever care when I die on the inside as I had been for the last year? Yes, I think my friends would have cared if only I had shown them what I was thinking, what I was feeling. But that is something I will never be able to do, show my self, my true self. I've been lying to myself for so long, telling myself that everything has been fine, silence was my only comfort,  probably be forever my only comfort but I don't have to lie anymore…well at least to myself. I looked deep inside as the blurry emotions became razor sharp, but the thing is I don't think I liked my emotions, I stopped abruptly, causing me to physically jolt. Wolverine tightened his grip around me, but I no longer felt uncomfortable, I felt safe for the first time in…well ever. I thought about Wolverine…Logan…and how he had the capacity to surprise me more then anyone else in the world did, for someone who seemed to have a callused soul he could be extremely tender and caring, I'd seen him with Jubilee whenever she got sad, he'd huge her tight and just tell her to cry, this was an amazing quality, god knows that is how I would like to be but I'm not, I can't handle it when people cry, it (I'm ashamed to admit) made me mad, and well I could never make the first move to comfort. It had crept up on me so slowly I hadn't noticed it until it was consuming me, filling my heart, my brain, my lungs, this feeling of respect for the guy who had dealt with more shit in his life then anyone deserved and still had the time to help other people out in there times of need. This man could display a myriad of emotions I couldn't lay claim to, it was certainly awe inspiring. None of us had and probably never will meet a guy like Wolverine again.

I sat and thought about the girls each of them had the ability to provoke envy within me, why couldn't I ever feel happy or safe in my own skin?

I stopped thinking then it hurt too much to think about me and my short fallings.

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