Me: Okay, is everyone ready for Act Two?
All: No.
Me: Too bad! Places, everyone!
ACT II, SCENE I: In front of the cottage
*lights go up*
*Draco enters, followed by Dwarfs)*
Draco: I'll be making sandwiches for your lunch today. And I want you to keep yourselves as clean as you can.
Dwarves: Yes, Snow White.
Oliver: Remember what I said, Snow White. Don't let anyone into the cottage.
Draco: I will. *gives them all a kiss* Goodbye!!!
Dwarves: Goodbye!!!!!
Draco: *begins sweeping the front of the cottage* *sings* I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-
Me: AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!! CUT!!
Draco: What?!
Me: Please, Draco, for the good of all mankind, DO NOT SING!!!!
Draco: And why not?
Me: Do you want the truth?
Draco: Yes!
Me: You can't sing. Well, yes, you could sing, but you'd break every piece of glass on the face of the earth in the process. And that's just not nice.
Draco: I'm not THAT bad!
Me: Oh, yes you are.
Draco: FATHER!!!!! SHE SAID I'M A BAD SINGER!!!!!
Me: Oh, shut up and quit being a daddy's boy.
Draco: Fine, then. What am I supposed to do?
Me: Just... hum, or something. Okay? ACTION!!!!!!!
Draco: *hums "Too Sexy"*
*Lucius enters*
Lucius: Ribbons! Jewelry! Stuff to buy! I've got an entire garage sale in a basket here!
Draco: *to himself* I've got to be careful. That could be the evil King. *thinks* Or maybe just an assassin. *turns to Lucius* Who are you?
Lucius: Everyone knows me! I'm Lucy! I sell stuff! *unloads basket* Do you need jewelry? A sash? Or maybe a comb?
Draco: *to himself* Hmmmm. *fails to notice that "Lucy" is wearing a wig* She can't be the King, because the King is a man. Right? And since everyone knows her, she won't hurt me. *to "Lucy"* I'm sorry. I don't have any money.
Lucius: No, really. I have something that would look great on you. *pulls a Pepto-Bismol pink sash out of the basket* Isn't it lovely?
Draco: Oh, yes, it is.
Lucius: Try it on.
Draco: I will. *takes it and tries it on*
Lucius: *aside* My plan is working perfectly! The sash looks perfectly harmless, but when he put it on and looks in the mirror, he will DIE OF FRIGHT! Hahaha! And then I will be the most beautiful!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Draco: Hmmm… it fits alright.
Lucius: Oh yes, it's absolutely perfect! Let me get you a mirror! *pulls a full-length mirror out of "magic bag"* Here, have a look!
Draco: *looks* It's… oh my God… it's-it's... ack! *falls over, apparently dead*
Lucius: HA!!!! *waves his arms wildly around and pulls off the blonde wig* IT WORKED!!!!!!!! I AM THE FAIREST IN THE LAND!!!!!!! *exits, cackling insanely*
*Enter Dwarfs*
Dwarfs: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's home from work we- What the f*ck?
Oliver: Snow White? *pokes Draco* Snow White! *looks to the dwarfs* He's dead!
Colin: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Seamus: *wakes up* What the- Holy- WWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Herm: WAAAAAAAHHHHH- AH- AHCHOO!!!!
Goyle: ???
Ginny: *sniff*
Bob: It was bound to happen eventually.
Colin: Take that ugly sash off him so we can *sniff* have a funeral.
*they take the sash off*
Draco: *coughs* Where am I?
Dwarfs: HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!
Draco: Of course I'm alive. This girl- at least I think she was a girl- came and tried to sell me a sash. I tried it on, and the last thing I remember before I blacked out was... It was awful…
Bob: He was drunk.
Draco: I was not!
Hermione: It was-achoo!- the king in disguise!
Bob: No shit, Sherlock!
Hermione: Keep digging-achoo!-Watson!
Colin: Be nice, you two!
Bob: No! It would be out of character!
Oliver: All of you shut up!!!
Bob/Hermione/Colin: Yes sir.
Oliver: Thank you. Now, Snow White, what happened?
Draco: A girl came here. Her name was Lucy, and she said she was the local peddler. She gave me that sash, and I tried it on.
Bob: Dumb move #1.
Draco: Then I looked in the mirror and… oh, that sash! It was so hideous!
Oliver: Snow White, I told you not to let anyone in!!!!!!!
Draco: Save it, Doc, I have a headache.
Bob: You mean a hangover??
Harry: I recommend sleeping.
Oliver: You recommend sleeping for everything.
Draco: I think I will.
*fade to black*
ACT II, SCENE II: Inside the throne room
*lights go up, stage is now the Throne Room*
Lucius: At last! Victory is mine!! I am the fairest in the land!!! *looks around* I'll ask the mirror before I get the Vodka out. I have to be sure. O great and powerful Magic Mirror, appear!!!!!
Me: Yes, yes. Hold your applause.
Lucius: I have a question for you, Mirror.
Me: Shoot.
Lucius: Magic mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?
Me: Are you sure you want me to answer that?
Lucius: Yes!
Me: Are you positive?
Lucius: YES!!
Me: Are you sure you're positive?
Lucius: ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!
Me: I warned you. The fairest in the land is... SNOW WHITE!!!!
Lucius What?! But I killed him!
Me: Obviously you didn't.
Lucius: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *calms and thinks* What should I do? Aha! *digs through stuff on his table and comes up with a mishapen green thing* A POISONED AVACADO!!!!!!!!
Me: Uh-huh.
Lucius: It's perfect! Foolproof! I'll disguise myself as an elderly gentleman and offer it to Snow White, and he'll DIE!
Me: Right.
Lucius: And that's not all. Only one side it poisonous. I'll eat the safe side, to gain his trust, and then he'll take the other side! It's perfect!
Me: You know there are a hundred ways this could go wrong?
Lucius: Shut up! Now for a disguise. *goes behind a screen, and comes out as... SNAPE?*
Snape: This is the best disguise I've come up with- I'm so ugly no one will recognize me! *pause* Do I have to say that?!
Me: Yes! It's in the script, so you do!
Snape: But I'm not ugly!
Me: Of course you're not. You look like a picture.
Seamus: *offstage* A picture of what?
Snape: I HEARD THAT, FINNEGAN!!!!!!!
Me: Okay, enough of this. ACTION!!!!!
Snape: I'll go to the forest and then Snow White will die!! Hee-hee-hee! *Exits*
Me: *sigh* Why does he always have to come up with these elaborate plans? I'd have just stabbed the kid by now…
*lights go down*
END SCENE II
Me: *climbs off stage* Ok, guys that was good. Tommorrow, we do Scene Three!
Ron: And then that's it, right?
Me: No. Then we have to do Scenes Three and Four.
Fleur: Do I have to kees zee stupid Eegelesh boy?
Me: I'm sorry Fleur, but it's in the script.
Fleur: Merde!
All: No.
Me: Too bad! Places, everyone!
ACT II, SCENE I: In front of the cottage
*lights go up*
*Draco enters, followed by Dwarfs)*
Draco: I'll be making sandwiches for your lunch today. And I want you to keep yourselves as clean as you can.
Dwarves: Yes, Snow White.
Oliver: Remember what I said, Snow White. Don't let anyone into the cottage.
Draco: I will. *gives them all a kiss* Goodbye!!!
Dwarves: Goodbye!!!!!
Draco: *begins sweeping the front of the cottage* *sings* I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-
Me: AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!! CUT!!
Draco: What?!
Me: Please, Draco, for the good of all mankind, DO NOT SING!!!!
Draco: And why not?
Me: Do you want the truth?
Draco: Yes!
Me: You can't sing. Well, yes, you could sing, but you'd break every piece of glass on the face of the earth in the process. And that's just not nice.
Draco: I'm not THAT bad!
Me: Oh, yes you are.
Draco: FATHER!!!!! SHE SAID I'M A BAD SINGER!!!!!
Me: Oh, shut up and quit being a daddy's boy.
Draco: Fine, then. What am I supposed to do?
Me: Just... hum, or something. Okay? ACTION!!!!!!!
Draco: *hums "Too Sexy"*
*Lucius enters*
Lucius: Ribbons! Jewelry! Stuff to buy! I've got an entire garage sale in a basket here!
Draco: *to himself* I've got to be careful. That could be the evil King. *thinks* Or maybe just an assassin. *turns to Lucius* Who are you?
Lucius: Everyone knows me! I'm Lucy! I sell stuff! *unloads basket* Do you need jewelry? A sash? Or maybe a comb?
Draco: *to himself* Hmmmm. *fails to notice that "Lucy" is wearing a wig* She can't be the King, because the King is a man. Right? And since everyone knows her, she won't hurt me. *to "Lucy"* I'm sorry. I don't have any money.
Lucius: No, really. I have something that would look great on you. *pulls a Pepto-Bismol pink sash out of the basket* Isn't it lovely?
Draco: Oh, yes, it is.
Lucius: Try it on.
Draco: I will. *takes it and tries it on*
Lucius: *aside* My plan is working perfectly! The sash looks perfectly harmless, but when he put it on and looks in the mirror, he will DIE OF FRIGHT! Hahaha! And then I will be the most beautiful!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Draco: Hmmm… it fits alright.
Lucius: Oh yes, it's absolutely perfect! Let me get you a mirror! *pulls a full-length mirror out of "magic bag"* Here, have a look!
Draco: *looks* It's… oh my God… it's-it's... ack! *falls over, apparently dead*
Lucius: HA!!!! *waves his arms wildly around and pulls off the blonde wig* IT WORKED!!!!!!!! I AM THE FAIREST IN THE LAND!!!!!!! *exits, cackling insanely*
*Enter Dwarfs*
Dwarfs: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's home from work we- What the f*ck?
Oliver: Snow White? *pokes Draco* Snow White! *looks to the dwarfs* He's dead!
Colin: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Seamus: *wakes up* What the- Holy- WWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Herm: WAAAAAAAHHHHH- AH- AHCHOO!!!!
Goyle: ???
Ginny: *sniff*
Bob: It was bound to happen eventually.
Colin: Take that ugly sash off him so we can *sniff* have a funeral.
*they take the sash off*
Draco: *coughs* Where am I?
Dwarfs: HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!
Draco: Of course I'm alive. This girl- at least I think she was a girl- came and tried to sell me a sash. I tried it on, and the last thing I remember before I blacked out was... It was awful…
Bob: He was drunk.
Draco: I was not!
Hermione: It was-achoo!- the king in disguise!
Bob: No shit, Sherlock!
Hermione: Keep digging-achoo!-Watson!
Colin: Be nice, you two!
Bob: No! It would be out of character!
Oliver: All of you shut up!!!
Bob/Hermione/Colin: Yes sir.
Oliver: Thank you. Now, Snow White, what happened?
Draco: A girl came here. Her name was Lucy, and she said she was the local peddler. She gave me that sash, and I tried it on.
Bob: Dumb move #1.
Draco: Then I looked in the mirror and… oh, that sash! It was so hideous!
Oliver: Snow White, I told you not to let anyone in!!!!!!!
Draco: Save it, Doc, I have a headache.
Bob: You mean a hangover??
Harry: I recommend sleeping.
Oliver: You recommend sleeping for everything.
Draco: I think I will.
*fade to black*
ACT II, SCENE II: Inside the throne room
*lights go up, stage is now the Throne Room*
Lucius: At last! Victory is mine!! I am the fairest in the land!!! *looks around* I'll ask the mirror before I get the Vodka out. I have to be sure. O great and powerful Magic Mirror, appear!!!!!
Me: Yes, yes. Hold your applause.
Lucius: I have a question for you, Mirror.
Me: Shoot.
Lucius: Magic mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?
Me: Are you sure you want me to answer that?
Lucius: Yes!
Me: Are you positive?
Lucius: YES!!
Me: Are you sure you're positive?
Lucius: ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!
Me: I warned you. The fairest in the land is... SNOW WHITE!!!!
Lucius What?! But I killed him!
Me: Obviously you didn't.
Lucius: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *calms and thinks* What should I do? Aha! *digs through stuff on his table and comes up with a mishapen green thing* A POISONED AVACADO!!!!!!!!
Me: Uh-huh.
Lucius: It's perfect! Foolproof! I'll disguise myself as an elderly gentleman and offer it to Snow White, and he'll DIE!
Me: Right.
Lucius: And that's not all. Only one side it poisonous. I'll eat the safe side, to gain his trust, and then he'll take the other side! It's perfect!
Me: You know there are a hundred ways this could go wrong?
Lucius: Shut up! Now for a disguise. *goes behind a screen, and comes out as... SNAPE?*
Snape: This is the best disguise I've come up with- I'm so ugly no one will recognize me! *pause* Do I have to say that?!
Me: Yes! It's in the script, so you do!
Snape: But I'm not ugly!
Me: Of course you're not. You look like a picture.
Seamus: *offstage* A picture of what?
Snape: I HEARD THAT, FINNEGAN!!!!!!!
Me: Okay, enough of this. ACTION!!!!!
Snape: I'll go to the forest and then Snow White will die!! Hee-hee-hee! *Exits*
Me: *sigh* Why does he always have to come up with these elaborate plans? I'd have just stabbed the kid by now…
*lights go down*
END SCENE II
Me: *climbs off stage* Ok, guys that was good. Tommorrow, we do Scene Three!
Ron: And then that's it, right?
Me: No. Then we have to do Scenes Three and Four.
Fleur: Do I have to kees zee stupid Eegelesh boy?
Me: I'm sorry Fleur, but it's in the script.
Fleur: Merde!