All in the Family: Archie's Auto

By: ZerOmegaDark

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PART TWO

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*It is the next morning and the whole family less Archie is downstairs getting ready to eat breakfast. Edith has just placed the last of it on the table and is now in the kitchen. Mike and Gloria are sitting at the table. Archie is just coming downstairs now.*

"Well, if it isn't sleeping beauty," Mike comments.

Archie gives him a dirty look.

"Shut up, you."

"Daddy, I think Michael just meant you got up kind of later than usual," says Gloria.

"Of course. I hadda make up for some of the sleep I didn't get last night."

"Oh, you didn't sleep well, Daddy?"

"No! It's because of your mother, there!"

"Ma? What'd she do?"

"It's what she didn't do, little girl. She didn't clip her toenails and her feet were clawing at my legs all night! Geez, it was like being in bed with a cheese grater!"

Mike and Gloria can only laugh as Edith comes from the kitchen.

"Oh, good morning Archie!"

"Listen, Edith, do me a favor, huh?"

"Sure, what Archie?"

"Don't go to bed unless you're fully clipped."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean your nails, Edith! You almost peeled the skin of my legs last night!"

Edith gives him an apologetic look.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Archie."

Gloria changes the subject.

"So Daddy, are you ready to go car shopping?"

"You bet I am, little girl. I am going to get a quality machine."

"You still intend on buying an American one?"

"I certainly do."

"Are you gonna buy something from Ford," Mike asks.

"Oh, I didn't know the vice president sold cars," says Edith.

Mike and Gloria look at her in bewilderment and Archie hangs his head in exasperation.

"Edith, can't you wait till after I've had coffee to go into dingbat mode?"

"No, Ma, not that Ford. I mean the Ford Motor Company. They make cars." Mike corrects her.

"Ohhhhhhh..."

"Anyways, Meathead, it don't matter what brand I buy because it'll outlast any Jap piece of junk youse two buy."

"We'll just see about that."

~later that day~

*The entire family is at Honest Bob's New & Used Cars. Archie and Edith are looking at American cars while Gloria and Mike look at Japanese made autos. Archie is experiencing slight sticker-shock at some of the prices the American cars.*

"God...will you look at the prices of these things? Why did we have to come to this place here?"

"Arch, it was the closest car place. The next one is more than twenty miles from home."

"All right, but did we have to buy cars from a guy whose 'Honest'?"

"But Archie, ain't it good if he's honest," asks Edith.

"Will you wake up, Edith? It should be oblivious even to you that if a car salesman says he's honest...then he ain't!"

"Oh, quit griping, Daddy. We're here to look for cars, so let's just do that."

"Ahhhhh...," Archie groans dismissively.

*A few moments later, Honest Bob comes out of his office and approaches the family.*

"Hiya folks, I'm Honest Bob of Honest Bob's New & Used Cars. Can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah, we're actually looking for a new car," Mike says.

"Oh, isn't that nice? A young married couple looking for their first automobile. Well, I think I have just what you're looking for. Right this way."

Bob directs them to a new car. Archie and Edith follow.

"Here we are. A brand-new Volkswagen Beetle, fresh out of the factory."

"Volkswagen," asks Archie. "That's German ain't it?"

"Yes, sir."

"This is the car that those hippies and fags are driving, right?"

Bob looks at Archie uneasily.

"Yes...sir."

"Are you telling me the Krauts made a faggelish car like this? I would have never guessed it. Irrecardless, Meathead if you got any respect for your maleness, you won't be caught dead driving this thing."

"Uh, we're actually looking for a Japanese car anyway, Mr...Bob."

"Oh, of course. I have something perfect for you right over here."

Bob shows them a sporty looking car.

"Here is a very popular model, the Datsun 280z. 2.8-liter engine, 150 horsepower..."

Edith looked confused.

" I don't see you could fit one horse in there; let alone 150."

Archie turns to her and gives her a annoyed look.

"It's just like a suitcase, Edith. They just sit on the hood and lock it tight."

Honest Bob wraps up telling the details to Mike and Gloria.

"...all for Honest Bob's special price: $4500."

"Wow. Hey, Gloria that's not bad and Datsun's a very respectable company."

"Yeah. I think we'll take it."

"Well Bob, you've got yourself a deal."

"Terrific! Shall we go to my office and write up the paperwork?"

"Oh, in a minute, Bob. First, I'd like to see what car my father-in-law wants to get."

"All right, wise guy. C'mon Edith, let's take a look over here."

*Archie and Edith look at different American cars for a while. Archie is having trouble finding anything in his price range.*

"Hey Bob, there! Ain't you got nothing American here that won't put me in debt?"

"Well sir, how much are you looking to spend?"

Archie writes a figure on a check showing his limit.

"About this much here."

Bob looks at the figure, throws a look at Archie, looks at the figure again, and looks at Archie again.

"This is your limit?"

"Yeah...give or take a buck."

Bob grins.

"I think I have something right up your alley, Mr. Bunker."

Archie chuckles and ribs Mike.

"You're gonna wet your pants when you see the beauty I'm getting, Meathead."

While Archie turns to talk to Edith about their new car, Mike and Gloria see the car Bob brings out for Archie.

"I think you might wet yours, Arch."

Archie gives him a puzzled look.

"Huh?"

Archie sees the car.

"What?!"

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end part two