Chapter 14

She told William not to be sorry, but she was. Very, very sorry. She couldn't believe how much she wanted him, though it mad sense if you thought about it. She hadn't had any real sexual contact since…well, since before Spike got his soul.

Buffy craved it, and it took all of her might to not march back into William's room and explain he had nothing to be afraid of, and show him exactly what she needed him to do. But there was a voice in the back of her head admonishing her. It wasn't time, it was too soon, it wasn't right. 

As soon as she was settled comfortably on the couch, she slipped her hand under her panties. As she rubbed herself, her thoughts drifted around William. The kisses were very good, none of the hunger, but when he allowed himself, all of the passion of Spike. But, William wasn't the push she needed, so she settled in and thought of Spike.

His fingers sliding up her thighs, caressing them gently. His  tongue flicking around her moist sex until she squirmed, needing much, much more. His lips trailing wet kisses up her body, alternately licking and biting, hitting every sensitive point on her body, nuzzling her neck, kissing her mouth hard enough to take her breath away.

She thought of Spike whispering dirty promises in her ear, encouraging her to just let go, encouraging her to beg for more, daring her to ask him to stop. Dirty words cloaked in his silky voice, caressing her the same way his fingers did.

Buffy's memories shifted and changed, and suddenly instead of fighting him in bed, she was fighting him to the death. His lean body ducking and dodging, hitting her back, as he smirked his challenge at her. He wasn't afraid of her, he could take her, self-confidence shining from his blue eyes. He moved like a panther, whirling around her, and she easily followed him. She always loved fighting with him, sparring with him, dominating him, winning.

Her mind shifted back, and they were in bed again. He was above her, positioning himself, steadying her, teasing her. She rubbed herself faster she imagined the way he would smile slightly before sliding into her, the way he lifted her legs and angled himself, the way he would take her slowly—much much too slowly—just to torment of her. She would grip him with her legs and thrust her hips, forcing him to move faster. And he would.

The orgasm came so quickly that it caught her off guard, and his name slipped from her mouth before she could stop it. "Spike."

Exhausted, relieved, temporarily sated, she drifted to sleep.

~*~

William was in a lot of pain. When Buffy left, he was in a lot of physical pain. He was so hard that he was pretty sure it would never go away. He couldn't even touch himself, because he was far too sensitive It actually felt like somebody had kicked him squarely in the balls. When he was 12, an older boy had held him down while another kneed him in the groin. It felt like that, except worse.

He shouldn't have chickened out. He shouldn't have sent her away, even if he was so terrified he could feel it in his bones. He should have graciously taken what she was so willing to offer. If he had, he wouldn't be in this really, really horrible situation.

William was reclined on his bed with his eyes closed, willing the pain to go away, when he heard it. Spike.

All of a sudden, the physical pain would have been a welcome release. The dull ache radiating from his groin went unnoticed over the piercing ache in his chest. She left him and immediately thought of Spike.

William was forced to confront what had been plaguing his mind for the past week. He was just a temporary replacement, distraction, until Spike came back. William had Spike's face, his body, and for a lonely, broken heart, maybe that was enough. Every time he tried to put it behind him, he was forced to remember that he was there by mistake. The one she really wanted was gone.

But just for now.

William knew that Buffy would be forced to make her decision soon, and they all knew what it would be. He was fairly sure that the only reason she hadn't made it yet was because of some misplaced loyalty to him, or maybe just a guilty conscience. All she was doing was delaying the inevitable, and breaking both their hearts. He should make the decision easier for her.

It seemed pretty obvious what he had to do. He rolled on his side, staring at the wall sightlessly as he began to make his plans.

~*~

The Oracle had trials, as any good Oracle does, but nothing Wes couldn't handle. In fact, they were relatively simple. Slay a demon there, stake a vampire here, and conquer a test of faith. Standard stuff.

"What are you doing here, Watcher?" The priestess hissed.

"I came to ask a question."

"You may ask one."

No sense in beating around the bush.

"Why do the Powers want to bring back Spike, William the Bloody?"

"They wish to create balance."

"Balance?"

"I will not answer another question."

Wesley growled in frustration. "This is important, damnit!"

"To whom?"

"To the Slayer, Protector of the World, and Angel, Champion of the People."

"You speak on their behalf?"

"I do."

"You have powerful allies, Watcher. The Balance has been upset by the Slayer. One life force has been split into two."

"William?"

"Both cannot survive."

"How can we fix it?"

"I cannot reveal more."

Wes sighed. At least it was a start. "Thank you."

He paid her the proper respects, and left the crystals he brought as offerings, and then returned to the sunshine.

It was clear to him, now. William needed strength, life, and death. But not anybody's—he needed Spike's. He was correct before, both of them could not survive this.

~*~

Angel was watching Dorjan scribble furiously on a legal pad. Another day, another spell. His productivity had increased. Now he was turning out at least two, if not three. All of them unique. He handed them to Angel—only Angel—with big eyes and a shaking hand.

It pained him to received these messages. That much was obvious. When he was done channeling the spells, he was always pale, shaking, and very dehydrated. He hadn't had anything to eat for over a week. Every time somebody fed him, he would turn his head and push the food away, as though it was completely repugnant to him.

Angel never knew Dorjan well, but he knew that Dorjan was a powerful ally, and one that Angel did not want to lose. There was no doubt that if this kept up, it would kill him. When Willow came to look at him, she was more than just a little alarmed.

"You have to make him eat," she insisted.

"I've tried."

"He needs his strength. This type of magic is extremely powerful, and just receiving the spells can take a lot out of a person."

Angel promised to hook him to an IV if he had to, so that Dorjan could receive the proper nutrients. But even that didn't work. He ripped the needle out of his arm, and flung himself off the bed, babbling and angry, his eyes wild. He had also grown increasingly incoherent, until the only thing that made sense was his spells. He was unable to write or speak otherwise.

Angel had no doubt that if they didn't end this quickly, Dorjan would die. And whoever was trying to bring Spike to life would move on to the next most powerful witch available. The one closest to the situation.

Willow.

~*~

Giles rarely slept anymore. He would catch a few hours when he could, but his time was absorbed by research. He was extremely curious and intrigued, and very interested in figuring out what the hell was going on. But he had a bigger reason for throwing himself into research.

It was clear the uncertainty was tearing Buffy apart. He saw the wistful expression on her face when she looked at William, and the hopeful expression in her eyes when she thought of Spike. He had come to terms with the fact that his Slayer loved her vampire—even if he didn't like it. But it was also increasingly clear that she had strong feelings for Spike's human counterpart.

Giles wasn't surprised that Buffy was attracted to William. He was the opposite of Spike in many ways—quiet, thoughtful, shy—but in two respects, he was very similar to Spike. It was clear to anybody with eyes that William loved Buffy, and it was also clear that William represented a safe place, a quiet place, for her to go when the world got to be too much. She relied on him as she had grown to rely on Spike.

Giles had his own beliefs of who Buffy should be with. But that didn't matter. He wanted to do whatever was in his power to make her happy, to bring her peace. She had been fighting for too long, and now she had a chance to be happy.

Giles was determined that whatever choice she made, it would be the right one, and he would help her get there come hell or high water.

~*~

Buffy woke up early, eager to start the day. She had it off from work, Wes was supposed to be back from his visit to the Oracle, and she thought maybe she would take William out to lunch, to give him a break from the apartment.

After she fell back asleep, she didn't have any more dreams. At all. For the first time in weeks, she was able to sleep peacefully and deeply. Usually William was awake before she was, but she didn't hear any noise from his room. Happy that he was getting some much needed sleep, she decided to leave him alone.

By noon, Giles and Willow were there, comparing notes and discussing what had already been discussed a hundred times before. There would be no new information until Wesley returned, and Buffy was practically climbing the walls when he finally showed up, two hours later.

"What did you find out?" Buffy demanded as soon as he walked in.

"Something quite interesting. Maybe William should hear this too? It directly effects him."

Buffy nodded. "He's been sleeping all day. Let me go see if he's awake."

She returned five minutes later, pale, shaking.

"Buffy?" Giles said sharply. "What's wrong?"

"He's gone," she whispered.

"What do you mean he's gone?"

"He left…he's not here." She thrust the crumpled up paper into Wes's hands, before she collapsed, boneless, on a nearby chair.

"Oh dear," Wes muttered as he read the short letter. "Oh dear."

"What is it?" Willow demanded.

"Do you mind if I read this out loud?" Wes asked.

Buffy shook her head dully.

"Dear Buffy, I've been thinking a lot about us, and you, and Spike. I know what you have to do, and you've been putting it off because of me. I know what it feels like to love somebody as much as you obviously love Spike. I cannot, in good conscience, stay here and remain between you and he. Good luck, Buffy. I hope you have a beautiful life with him. You deserve it. Yours truly, William."

"How can he think I would just kill him?" Buffy asked, nobody in particular. "After…how could he think I would just kill him?"

"Do you know where he could have gone?" Giles asked gently.

She shook her head. "He never left the apartment. The noise, the people, it bothered him. He wouldn't have anywhere to go, or anyway to pay." She looked up at them, her eyes dry but pleading. "We have to find him."

"We'll do anything we can," Giles promised.

"How could he think I would just kill him?" She asked again, her voice thick with unshed tears and confusion.