Summary -Lets go back to when it all started shall we?
Special Thanx -A special thanks goes out to my wonderful co author who I love and adore because she can actually put up with me, Rene.
(3 years ago, New York City)
~I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this, or what I think I'm going to accomplish by writing it, but the fact of the matter; is I don't care about either one of those things. I'm tired and stressed and hungry and just ready to fucking kill someone, so I'm writing out all my frustrations because Alley (the most awesome street chick alive) told me it was a good idea.~
Pausing I read over that last line again. Alley, man is there anything I don't do that she tells me. Well not that I'm really complaining, she is my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without the saucy brunette in my life. Probably go insane. Placing the pen back on the paper I try to get this done as soon as possible, I have a job to do to night; one that I'm not proud of at all, but it's gotta be done. Thus why I'm writing this. I guess I figure if I see how shitty things are on paper and that I have no other choice tonight then it'll give me that last little bit of courage to do it.
~I guess things have never been what you can call 'good'. I mean some days are better then others, but most are worse. I guess that's kind of my fault too. See my mom got pregnant by my dad (some white man as she calls him to her friends) in this affair that shamed her in the eyes of our...well her family and husband. I guess I can't say they're mine because I've never met any of them. How do ya like that? 14 years old and I never even met my grandparents. I did see their picture once though, but what can you really tell from a picture? But then that's more than I can say for my dad. Never seen a picture of him and for that matter I don't even know his name, my mom won't tell me. Anyway, I'm getting off track here and I'm burning day light so I'd better hurry because I've gotta go soon.
Her husband (not my dad) found out I wasn't his kid, this is a real kick how too, it was my fault. I didn't look anything like him, I mean I know what you're thinking, how can you tell with a baby? But when your parents are both full- blooded Cherokee and you're as pale and small as a newborn white kitten it looks a tad suspious I guess. So what does she do? She fesses up to having this one night fling and then says what's done is done. She's sorry but she's not giving me up because it's not my fault. (Though she sure as hell acts like it is these days).
So he divorces her with the support of her family on his side too! Can you imagine that?! Her parents agreed that he should divorce her and keep David! Oh David, well David is my half brother I guess. I don't really know, I've never seen his picture either and I've only heard about him when I was listening to my mom tell her friend next door one night. So anyway I'll get to the beginning of the mess now since it's almost 5:00 p.m. and the club I have to go to opens at 7:00 p.m.
So anyway , it all adds up to my mom and me for the past 13 and 1/2 years living in the worst possible part of NY. Times are not good here and it didn't take too long for my mom to go into her 'sad time' as I used to call it when I was younger. Now I know better. She's depressed and not just a little; she's getting sick from it. Well okay not getting more like got, she's been in her slump for nearly six years now and I guess it's because it's been going on so long that I didn't notice she was getting worse.~
I hear a noise in the other room that jars my attention away from the letter, I get up from the kitchen table and head for my mom's room to check on her. She was supposed to be sleeping; I gave her two of the sleeping pills that doctor at the hospital prescribed. Peering into the dim room, I watch her turn a bit fretfully on the bed. Still asleep, that's good.
As my eyes catch the bandages on her wrists I suddenly feel a spark of anger flare up. You just had to make things harder didn't you mom, s'not enough we have no money, but now this. You're the reason I have to go out there tonight and... No. No point in getting upset, it'll do no good and it won't change anything. I think I'll go back and write a little more before I go.
~ I'm mad. I just went to look at my mom and I couldn't help but get mad. It's not fair, I'm supposed to be the kid, not her, but then I guess I should be used to everything by now. See I kind of had to grow up fast when my mom started 'slipping'. By the time I was 9 I could fight just a good as the older boys (That was partly thanks to Alley, got to love her). But see at that time my mom wasn't so far gone like she is now. She was working, not much, but working and providing for us with her night job at a diner a few blocks away. She even seemed to like it ok too. But then of course things got worse when I was 12, (god that was only 2 years ago too feels like forever) and she quit her job. Not all at once I mean, but she'd just kind of not get up and go there some days, then some turned into more, then to a lot, then to just not going all together.~
Rubbing my eyes, I glance at the clock again. God it's almost twenty to six, I'm going to have to go soon. There's that sick feeling again.
~ Anyway so when I was 12 I was old enough to know we needed money and if my mom wasn't going to get it I'd have too. So I lied about my age and got a job at the comic book store on 5th street. I actually think the owner knew I was lying, I mean I definitely do not look old for my age. If anything starving and puppy faced, I looked younger. But I guess the guy felt sorry for me and so he let me go ahead and get it. S'not hard, I just have to stock the shelves and check out the occasional customer. I usually even have time to do my homework when it's slow (which is always).
Oh, yeah I go to school too. I have to. And no not because of my mom, I doubt she even thinks I'm in school, but I go everyday. If I'm ever going to get out of this hell hole and get my mom some place better then I have to go and get good grades so I can get a scholarship into college (cuz no way I can pay for college) so I make sure I go everyday, no matter how tired I am and make sure I keep my grades really good. I am going to get us out of here; I swear that.
Oh god it's 6 now. I need to go. So I'm just going to sum it up and explain the really bad thing. Because that was the main point of writing this I think. Okay so things went the same for two years. I went to school, worked at the comic book store, paid the bills (thank god there aren't many) and used the rest of the cash for food (thank god my mom doesn't eat much). It's depressing but not horrible, it's one of those things where as long as everything goes smoothly you know it'll be all right, not great, but good enough to get by. Of course then it happened.
Two days ago I came home from school like always, changed clothes and was getting ready to go to work. Nothing new. So anyway, I went to tell my mom that I was going to be home late that night cuz I'd planned to stop and see Alley after work (her parents are fighting again and she wanted some company)...Getting off again, okay point. So when I wentinto her bedroom expecting her to be layen up in bed like always, I nearly had a fucking heart attack when I saw her sitting in a chair slicing her fucking wrists open!
I screamed and cursed , then rushed her and took the knife (which I'm sorry to say was mine) and grabbed it just in time to be too late. She'd slit both her wrists open and the bleeding was...god like I don't know; but there was so much blood! So she just went kinda limp. I grabbed some towels and wrapped them around her wrists praying it'd stop the bleeding until I could get a doctor. I rushed out of the building (well as much as I could trying to drag her dead ass weight) and flagged a cab.
Okay Alley just showed up. I asked her to come over and watch my mom when I go out tonight to do...well what I have to do. So I'll be brief now. To sum it up, they rushed my mom to the ER, I bawled like a two year old the whole time (can't even remember crying before that). After a while the Doc came back and told me that she would be okay. Then he gave me this look and asked how old I was. Well duh if I said fourteen, he was gonna have me in foster care so fast it would have made me barf, and so I lied and said eighteen and then he threw me for another loop and asked about our insurance. Well I don't know if you know this but comic book shops don't exactly give health coverage. So I said I'd pay for it out of our savings (which duh we have none) and he nodded and left me alone.
So that's basically what led to tonight. See cuz this morning I sat down and added the fucking bill and you want to know the money damage my mom's little knife happy trip did? 2,000 fucking dollars! If I had 2,000 dollars do you think I'd have less then five pairs of clothes to wear and eating little more then canned Ravioli and bread every day? So anywho, that's why I'm going out tonight. See I thought it through, from like every way possible and this is the only way I can see to get the money (well short of robbing a bank) I'm gonna go to the night club 'Heat' tonight and make the money. Now if you (whoever is reading this) don't know what 'Heat' is big for, it's prostitution. Female and male. Yeah, so that's why I'm kind of shaking like a rabbit on speed.~
"Tommy." A gentle hand touches my shoulder, and I turn and look up at Alley. The tough girl who taught me how to fight, do math, cheat at pool and cards, and not to mention fuck, looks down at me for the first time in what I think is worry. "Listen Falcon, I know that yer kind of outta options but I'm not so sure this is the best idea."
Staring down at the pen scribbled pages I sigh. "I don't have a choice. I have to do this, there's no other way to pay this bill and if it's not paid..." If it's not paid then what? Then your mom goes to the Looney bin and you go live with some church loving freaks in Ohio.
Shaking her head, she grabs a seat and begins reading over the pervious pages I've written. "You didn't write much about me, smart ass." Grinning a little, she looks up at me and waves the pages.
What was I suppose to say? I wish you would see me exclusively; I would marry you if we both were under better circumstances? You're like the best friendslash girlfriend I never had. Cut the crap, I gotta think clearly right now Alley Cat. "Too wound up to go into poetry for ya tonight Alley Cat."
"Yeah...Again, I don't know if this is th-" I can't hear this, if she talks me out of it I'm doomed.
"Don't. Please don't give me any more to worry about. I'm not exactly a virgin you know." And you should know, you were my first. "And it might not be so bad. I mean...look I can't get the money any other way and we both know it. I have to do this." Looking anywhere but at her, I can just hope she'll let it go.
"Okay. I don't think it's very smart, but I said I'd stay here and watch your mom for you and let you do what you have to do, and I will. Just be careful, Falcon. Alright?" Picking up the pages I've written she stacks them neatly. No doubt she'll read them once I'm gone.
Standing, I decide it's time to go. "I will. Don't wait up...and don't worry, I'll be alright." Crossing the room I give myself one last look in the mirror. Earlier I'd changed out of my baggy jeans and green T-shirt into a pair of holey tight black jeans and a green muscle shirt. Not that I really have many muscles to show off, but it works. Sliding on my black leather jacket that Alley had 'bought' me for Christmas last year, I take my hair out of the ponytail holder, which barely holds it anyway. Running my fingers through the semi long brown hair I sigh. .
"Somewhere between oozing sex appeal and innocent lamb going to slaughter." The joke is meant to be light, but it falls rather flat in my nervousness.
"Perfect, just the look I was going for."
To be continued...........