Chapter 25

When Spike woke up, it felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest. He gasped for breath, and struggled to his feet. Wheezing and coughing, he choked Buffy's name out, just loud enough for her to hear. She woke up, just as he fell to his knees, to weak to remain standing.

"Spike? Spike! What's wrong?"

She rushed to his side, putting an arm around his back in an attempt to help him up. When he didn't move, she wrapped her other arm around him to comfort him as he continued to fight for air.

"Spike? What happened? Are you going to be ok?"

He nodded, finally able to catch his breath.

"Just take deep breaths, ok? Are you hurt?"

"No," he whispered. "Just…I'll be fine."

"Here, let me help you back to bed."

She helped him to his feet, and he almost immediately collapsed on the bed. She checked his wounds to make sure none of them had re-opened, and looked for other signs of illness. Other than the shortness of breath, he appeared fine. She lay down beside him, curled against his body, and rubbed his chest softly.

"It felt like my heart was breaking," he said.

"Just now?"

He nodded. "I was dreaming about something…I don't remember what, and when I woke up, my chest was just…on fire, I guess."

"Is everything ok? You didn't like, have a heart attack did you? Your heart is still beating right?"

"No heart attack, and yes, it's still beating."

She rested her head on his chest and listened for the steady Ithump-thump/I. "Does it still hurt?"

"No."

"Not even a little?"

"Not even a little."

"That's just odd."

"In other words, everything is normal."

She yawned. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I am. You sound sleepy."

"Mmmm, you feel nice."

He pet her hair, enjoying the silky texture under his hand. "Go ahead and go back to sleep, luv."

She yawned again. "If you're sure everything is fine."

"I'm much better now."

She fell off to sleep, and he pushed the hair away from her neck so he could see the bite mark. She was forever marked as his now, no matter what. It was a little something for her to remember him by…a constant reminder that they had found each other again somehow, and for once, had made it work.

That was a rotten trick you pulled.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Making it feel like someone was squeezing the life out of me was an accident?

It hurt.

No shit.

No, it hurt me. How do you think this makes me feel?

Like someone squeezing the life out of you?

Something like that, yeah.

Sorry, mate.

No, you're not. You think I don't know? You think that I'd forget? You had to mark her? Claim her? I'll never forget whom she belongs to.

Spike sighed. He still had to think of a way to tell her of his decision, and after what they just shared, he knew it wasn't going to be easy. Especially since he didn't know what she wanted anymore. It was clear before that she wanted William back, but maybe she had changed her mind.

Spike finally fell asleep again, troubled thoughts leading to troubled dreams.

~*~

Buffy woke up sometime in the middle of the night. She heard Dawn open the door and try to sneak quietly to her room. Way past her curfew, but Buffy really didn't care. She'd let her get away with it for now.

Spike was sleeping peacefully, occasionally moaning softly, but other than that the only sound in the room was the steady rise and fall of his breath. That was still an odd sensation—listening to him breathe, listening to his heart. For the first time, Spike was more than just a corpse, and she had to admit, she liked it this way.

She touched the new mark on her neck lightly. It had already began to heal, and soon it would just be a scar. The only scar that really mattered on her battered and marked body. She didn't know what he wanted to do, but what they shared felt a lot like goodbye. She thought of the conversation they had had earlier, about her life now, about her future, and she slowly came to the same realization he had.

Spike didn't belong in her new life. Oh, she would be more than happy to make him fit anyway he could. She would bend over backwards to accommodate him if he wanted to share this new world with her. He wouldn't quite fit though. He may have died to save the world, even gained access to Heaven, but at the end of the day he was still a vampire, and the quiet, domestic life was not one for him. He would ultimately be miserable.

The thought depressed her. She remembered what it was like to come back from Heaven to a world that was no longer structured around her. Before she had died, she had had a place, and she knew it. It wasn't hard and confusing to figure out where she fit in the world, and when she stopped fitting, she had died. End of story. When she came back, it was like hammering a square peg into a round hole. Brute force wasn't enough to make things right; she had learned that the hard way.

Could she really make Spike learn that too? The world had moved on in the year since he died, and maybe it was no longer the place for him.

At that thought, a few stray tears escaped and landed on his chest. She watched the salty water run down his side, leaving a damp trail behind. She loved him. In the end, no matter how fucked up things were, she loved him. And she knew she was strong enough to make room for him again. But it would be hard and painful, and she didn't know if either one of them was up for more hardship and pain like that. They had been through it once, and it nearly destroyed both of them before it made them stronger.

But, if he decided it was worth the risk, then she would figure it out. And if he decided it wasn't worth the risk, she would continue to live without him.

With a sharp pang of surprise, she realized she hadn't thought about William, and where he fit into all of this. This whole plan was to save him, after all. Sweet William, in all his Victorian shyness, so carefully spoken and well mannered. She knew he loved her—he had told her after all. She almost groaned when she realized that he had a front row seat to the whole night, heard everything they had said, seen everything they had done, maybe even felt it. Despite herself, she felt guilty. She knew that every time he saw Spike's mark on her neck, it would break his heart.

She knew how he felt about her, but she had no idea how she felt about him. She liked him. And maybe, if things had been different, or if they had more time, she could grow to love him. Maybe she was, before this whole mess happened. Maybe if Spike left, she still could, some day. Or maybe she was doing him a grave disservice, and it would be better for him if he never came back, or alternately, when he does come back, if he took a long trip away from her. Maybe back to England.

It seemed to be a never-ending source of surprise to Spike that she and Dawn enjoyed William's company so much. She understood that though. It wasn't really Spike's shock, it was William's. But William wasn't comfortable expressing it, and so Spike did it for him. Every "I don't know what you see in him" was really "I don't know what you see in me". Every desperate attempt to distance himself from his human counterpart was really William trying to hide, ashamed of who he was and what he did and maybe even how much he loved.

Which didn't really help her decision any, just made her feel worse for having to make it. But could she really say she regretted the situation? Would she be honest if she said she wished she never contact Dorjan? If she could go back in time and fix it, would she? Because of the disaster, she did get Spike back, if only temporarily, and she also had a new, pretty amazing man in her life. A man she never would have gotten to know, otherwise. A man she felt, given the right opportunity and encouragement, could be capable of great things.

Fitting Spike back into her world would be hard, but it would be easy to fit William in. In fact, it was easy to fit William in. And like Buffy, he had never had a chance at a normal life. From what she could tell, he was pathetically lonely before he died, with only his mother for company. An outsider, like she had been. Dead, like she had been. And given a second chance at life, like she had been. Could she really take that gift away from him? He had friends now, and if he could stay for a while longer, he would probably have a purpose too.

No matter what though, she wanted Spike to be happy. He deserved it after everything he went through. She would respect whatever decision he made, and she would support whatever he did. It was the least she could do.