The Just-In Tango' by Simmí
(Cell Block Tango' by Cantor and Ebb)

Sue.
Nymph.
Slander.
Bad slash.
Mpreg.
Grelvish.

(The Daisy Official)
And now, six not-so-merry Agents of the PPC, in their rendition of the Just-In Tango.

Sue.
Nymph.
Slander.
Bad slash.
Mpreg.
Grelvish.
(repeat 5x)

She had it comin',
She had it comin',
She only had herself to blame.
If you'da been there,
If you'da read it,
I betcha you would have done the same!

Sue!
Nymph!
Slander!
Bad slash!
Mpreg!
Grelvish!
(repeat 2x)

(Agent Jay)
You know how some people write stories about perfect girls that tend to bite? Like those Suvians. They just keep on writing their canon-destroying Mary-Sues. So I find this story one day that gets me really irritated, and I show it to a friend, and she agrees with me. So we said to the author, we said, You write one more chapter of this Boromir-slander *sigh* And she did. So, we put our heads together, and we came up with this great idea: curare-tipped arrow, straight to the shoulder.

She had it comin',
She had it comin',
She only had herself to blame.
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!

(Agent Mel)
I fell in love with Tolkien's world a while back, and wanted to make up for being a Mary-Sue. So I joined the PPC, and I met Joe—and we didn't hit it off at all. But we got assigned to the DMFF, and we'd go out and find out what didn't belong. And find them we did: Sylphs, fairies, pixies, griffins, unicorns So this one story, when we found the Sue, we killed her, as usual. For the misplaced creature, my Sue powers came in handy. It's a sad day for Suvians, but a good day for the PPC, when a misplaced creature can't tell the difference between a Sue and an assassin.

She had it comin',
She had it comin',
She took the canon in its prime,
And then she used it,
And she abused it!
Twas neither murder nor a crime!

(Dour K)
So I'm reading a few good stories, surfing around ff.netminding my own businessand then suddenly this fic jumps out at me: Legolas has an abusive father, it said. That made me livid. All I could see was the slander of Thranduil. Legolas has an abusive father! and then the author ran into a flame. She ran into tens of dozens of outraged flames, not to mention a few Agents.

If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!

(Agent Luxury)
Sure, maybe not everyone likes slash, but there is some good stuff out there. The rest iswell, that's why my department exists. And hey, those exorcisms aren't that awful to perform. Less blood, that's for sure. But it can be disturbing, especially when we're dealing with Marty-Sams. Because then the Department of Mary-Sues gets called in to, since a Marty-Sam usually goes hand-in-hand-with a Mary-Sue. And the Mary-Sue people never go easy when they get dragged in

She had it comin',
She had it comin',
She only had herself to blame.
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen her,
I betcha you would have done the same

(Agent Taboo)
My partner, Agent Bobbert, and I worked in a subdivision of Bad Slash: mpreg; and the medical officers traveled around with us. Now, the other day, we're sitting around, the two of us, being cold, ignoring each other, when we get a call, so we go out to take care of it. We go in, check out what's up, and find Legolas pregnant.
...with Aragorn's child. Well, you can imagine what a grisly procedure a C-section is when the pregnant one doesn't even have a uterus. It wasn't until later, when we were washing the blood off of our hands and Legolas had been taken in for counseling, that we realized what we had done to the Suvian who had arranged it.

They had it comin',
They had it comin',
They had it comin' all along.
Of course we did it
And are proud of it!
How could you tell us that we were wrong?
(repeat 2X)

(Agent Lambda)
I love Tolkien's languages more than I could possibly say. They're so beautifullike poetry. But the Grey Company was always trying to pass their perversions off as real. They'd offer easy phrases, and the Sues would snap them up and call them Elvish. And I found just one Grelvish fic too many. So the Sues saw their fics as goodand I helped them see differently.

The dirty bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum!
The dirty bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum!

They had it comin',
They had it comin',
They had it comin' all along.
Cause they ignored it,
And we abhor that.
How can you tell us that we are wrong?

She had it comin',
She had it comin',
She only had herself to blame.
If you'da been there,
If you'da read it,
I betcha you would have done the same!

Sue
Nymph
Slander
Bad slash
Mpreg
Grelvish