By: General Quistis & Zhakeena
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story plot and the title; any resemblance to any other plots or titles is purely coincidental.
Trepe's Note: Hell, if you're just going to flame this, just go away. I don't need lowlifes like you to tell me that my work is bad because I already know that! You'll just be wasting your time. Yes, I know that Rufus and Aerith died. You don't need to point it all out and what discs they died in, dammit! But for this fic, they're alive, okay?!?!? Just shut the hell up!!! @o@' (I just hate flamers, that's all… I mean, there are other people out there to flame; but why me???!!!! DAMN!)
But anyway, don't let the title deceive you… this is not an Aerith+Rufus fic… Oh yeah, and don't mind the OOC. After all, this is a stupid attempt at a humor fic. Duh.
Zhakeena's Note: Uh… Enjoy! And don't forget to Read and Review. And to laugh. If you hold all the laughter in, you're gonna fart so much…!!!! Bwahahah!
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Aerith rubbed her hands, enjoying all the power she's gained overnight. "Wow, I didn't know being Rufus ShinRa would mean being able to give this miserable company a complete overhaul! Heeheehee!" she thought almost evilly. "Hmm… I'm gonna have to be much more eviler than that if I'm gonna play his part…"
Her thoughts were interrupted when Reno came in, wearing his brand new baby blue Turk uniform. "You called for me, sir?!" he said through gritted teeth.
"Ah, yes, Reno! Have you finished ordering for the flowers in your office?" Aerith asked.
Reno replied glumly, "Yes, sir. Pink carnations, tulips, daisies and roses…" He so wanted to throw up at Rufus' carpet…
"Hmm… did you forget yellow bells?" Aerith asked, trying hard to do that hair-flipping thing.
Reno raised an eyebrow at her attempted hair flip. "Uh… you didn't say anything about yellow bells, sir…" he replied.
Aerith put a hand in her coat pocket. "Uhm… yeah, I guess that was for Heidegger's office… Okay! You may go now!" she said cheerfully. She blushed slightly when she heard Rufus's voice say that. Sounds funny.
"Uh," Reno began to turn away, but stopped. "Don't mind my asking, Prez, but uh… did something happen to you along the way?" he asked.
Aerith felt Rufus's face blush. "N-no… Of course not! Why would you ask that?" she said.
Reno looked at 'him' suspiciously. "Nothing, Prez…" he said before leaving the office.
Aerith flipped the blonde strands nervously. "I better brush up on my acting… hey, this hair-flipping thing… I could get used to this. Stupid bangs…" she thought to herself.
She sighed as she looked out her window. "I miss Cloud… I wonder how Rufus is doing… he better not have done something to turn him off completely!" she scanned the whole place for a while before proceeding to the PC, logged-on and began to research some things. "Now to find out if there's any solution to this problem…" she muttered glumly.
She wondered if some simple magic could make things better, but she couldn't find any.
She even wondered why those voices stopped speaking to her ever since she switched bodies with Rufus. "Maybe they already hate me for being nice to Rufus…" she thought miserably. "Oh well, too late to feel sorry for the past…" she said with an optimistic smile on her face before proceeding.
***
"Aerith," Tifa called out as she knocked for the 10th time.
"I'm not hungry," Rufus responded from inside. "Dammit… why do they have to make me sleep in Cloud's bedroom?!" he thought miserably, really wanting to get out of that hell house. He began to fan himself with Aerith's hand. "Ugh… and it's so hot in this place! They oughtta buy some air-conditioners… and make it centralized!" he thought as he sat up on the bed.
"At least by keeping that door locked, I can keep Cloud away from me until Aerith can figure out how we could return to our bodies." Rufus said, realizing that it had been a month already.
"Are you going to stay in there forever? C'mon, Aerith, don't starve yourself! You might die!" Tifa said.
"Who is that girl anyway? I still don't know her name…" he thought with a frown on his face as he looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember if he has heard any single one of the AVALANCHE members mentioning her name. "Oh yeah… that big bear guy called her Tifa…" he told himself with a pleased look. He flipped Aerith's hair.
"Aerith?"
Rufus frowned upon hearing Cloud's voice from outside.
"Leave me alone!" Rufus snapped.
Vincent and Red XIII looked at each other with puzzled looks.
"Between you and me, that isn't Aerith," Red whispered to Vincent.
Vincent nodded. "I noticed it too… but who is she?" he asked.
"Rufus ShinRa."
"Rufus ShinRa?!" Vincent exclaimed.
All eyes turned to him. "What?" Cloud demanded.
"…is dead…" Vincent and Red XIII continued with sheepish looks on their faces.
"Duh," Red XIII added.
Cloud and Tifa turned away before proceeding to bother "Aerith".
"What happened?! Why Rufus? Where's Aerith?" Vincent asked with a whispery but panicky tone to Red XIII.
"I'm not sure, but I can recall my father telling me that it has something to do with the Lifestream. If you don't follow its natural flow, it can cause havoc to you." Red replied.
"What do you think happened?" Vincent asked uneasily.
"Maybe one of them was given a chance to return… but then there was a little booboo? I'm not sure… maybe we could ask Rufus." Red XIII replied.
"How? He locked himself inside that room." Vincent said. "Wait a minute…" he began again with a frown on his face, looking away and then back to Red XIII. "If Rufus is in Aerith… Aerith is in Rufus…"
"Or Sephiroth." Red pointed out.
"Scratch that out." Vincent said.
"Why? He could be alive, right? Who knows, Aerith could be in Sephiroth and Sephiroth could be in Rufus…" Red XIII explained.
"You're beginning to confuse me," Vincent muttered.
"I know," Red XIII said with a yawn.
"Sephiroth couldn't be here." Vincent said.
"Okay, so that leaves Aerith and Rufus… so they switched places?" Red asked.
"Possible." Vincent replied.
Silence.
"Uh-oh…" the two mumbled.
"Hey, guys! Check out the news!" Yuffie called out from downstairs.
"What?" Cloud called out.
"They're painting the ShinRa Tower PINK!" Yuffie said.
"WHOT?!" Rufus heard that. He instantly rushed to the window and he almost fell out when he saw the ShinRa Tower being painted pink. "AERITH!!!!!!!!!" he growled.
Tifa and Cloud wondered why "Aerith" just screamed out her own name.
Then, they heard a loud "THUD" against the wooden floor.
"Uh-oh…" Cloud muttered before he forced the door open with his buster sword. He was surprised when he saw "Aerith" lying on the floor.
"Aerith!" he said in worry as he went to her side, picking her up and putting her on the bed.
"What happened to her?" Vincent asked, almost saying, "What happened to him?"
"I think he just saw his tower," Red XIII whispered to Vincent.
"Poor guy," Vincent thought miserably.
"Oh dear… she must've fainted because she hasn't been eating in days…" Tifa said with a worried look on her face.
"I'll take care of her. You two go downstairs and get some water." Vincent told Tifa and Cloud.
"You?" Tifa asked in disbelief.
"Us," Red XIII chimed in.
"But…" Cloud said.
"I know you're worried; we all are… but leave it to me. I'll take care of her for a while." Vincent said with an assuring look on his face.
With that, Cloud and Tifa went down the stairs.
Cloud just remained standing by the living room, feeling so stunned and shaken while Tifa rushed to the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Yuffie asked him.
Cloud couldn't speak up properly. "Ugh… what's going on? It's like she isn't Aerith… doesn't she love me?" he thought miserably.
He fainted.
"Oh my GAWD!" Yuffie cried out.
"Tifa, you'd better get more @#$%^%$ water! This guy just fainted!" Cid said before standing up from the couch, deciding to help Tifa.
Meanwhile, upstairs…
Rufus opened his eyes. Everything was blurry. "Oh… I must be dead again… is it a good thing? Maybe if I just died and returned to the Lifestream, I'd be back in my own body…" he mumbled with a dizzy look on his face.
His vision started to clear up and his eyes grew wide upon seeing Vincent Valentine and the dog thing looking at him. "Oh no… did the angels in heaven just looked uglier?" he muttered.
"Rufus?" Vincent asked.
Rufus froze. "They know my name… I must be back in my old self again!" he thought in joy as he sat up, looking at his body… but unfortunately, the pink dress and the feminine form made him sad and plop down on the bed again. "JUST KILL ME, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" he snapped.
"Nothing doing, you're still Aerith, after all," Red XIII said, a hint of mockery in his voice.
"Ugh… I hate my second life… possibly more than my first," Rufus mumbled.
"So, Rufus… where's the Aerith we know?" Vincent asked him.
"She's in the ShinRa Tower… painting it pink… Oh the humanity…" Rufus answered hopelessly.
"Oh, so we were right. She's in your body, hopefully," Red XIII said.
"Yes, she is…" Rufus muttered miserably.
Silence.
"You've been to the Lifestream?" Vincent asked.
"Yeah. Why?" Rufus asked.
…
"You've seen Lucrecia?" Vincent asked again, hoping that Lucrecia finally rests in peace.
"Nope. But I did see Sephiroth. He misses you dearly," Rufus answered.
Vincent froze in horror. "What?! Why would he even miss me?!" he said, trying to sound calm amidst the situation.
"Oh yeah, he even said that he loves you." Rufus added with a mocking smile on Aerith's face.
Vincent raised an eyebrow, feeling all his hairs rising.
Rufus laughed heartily (something that he hasn't been doing in many years), "I had you there for a moment, huh?" he said.
A joke.
"Why the…" Vincent collared him.
"Ack!" Rufus reacted, his breath suddenly shortening.
"VINCENT?!" Tifa screeched from the doorway as she dropped the basin of water on the floor.
Vincent let go of Rufus and turned to Tifa. "Tifa, listen, she's…"
Red XIII bit Vincent's right hand. "DON'T TELL HER!" he was thinking.
"Ow!" Vincent said, moving his hand away from Red XIII.
Tifa pushed Vincent away from "Aerith". "You said you'd take care of her, why are you strangling her?!" she demanded angrily.
"I… I…" Vincent stammered, not really knowing what to say.
Rufus sneered at Vincent. He decided that he could make fun of the situation, so he faked some tears. "*sniff*… he strangled me…" he said.
"Oh, Aerith, don't cry… You'll get Cloud worried," Tifa said, giving "her" a comforting embrace.
"I wouldn't hug her like that if I were you," Vincent wanted to say out loud, but couldn't. "This guy's taking advantage of this situation… hmf…" he thought before smiling calmly at them. "Well it looks like Aerith is fine now… maybe Cloud could kiss her already to make it all feel more better," he said before stepping out of the room.
"NO!" Rufus cried out.
"Aerith, what's wrong with you? Don't you love Cloud?" Tifa asked in disbelief.
"I…I…I… I'm confused…" Rufus replied, faking more tears. "Hey, I could become an actor…" he thought with a secret smile on his face.
"Oh… poor thing… Listen, we'll do all that we can to give you your memory back, all right? Don't cry," Tifa said, reaching out for a box of tissues.
Red XIII shook his head in disbelief. "Goodness…" he said before walking away, but he stopped upon reaching the doorway and faced them again. "Oh yeah, Tifa, I think Rufus ShinRa likes you," he said with a wink.
Rufus stiffened. "Why you overgrown retriever you…" he began.
Tifa blinked.
Rufus covered Aerith's mouth. "Ohohohohoho! Sorry about that… I was just surprised… heehee!" he said sheepishly.
Red XIII smiled at Rufus before stepping out of the room.
"…. Stupid dog…" Rufus mumbled under his breath before looking at Tifa again. "Thank you very much for helping me get through this, Tifa… and I don't know what that… dog thing meant about Rufus ShinRa liking you…" he said.
"Yeah… me too… I don't understand it… I mean, Rufus is dead, right?" Tifa replied before standing up. "You wait here for a while, I'll get you a glass of water," she said before running out of the room.
Rufus was stunned as he watched her silently. "But… I'm just here…" he whispered softly. He clenched his fists and pounded on the bed. "DAMN IT! If only I'm back in my own body… I could…" he trailed off when he realized that Vincent was just standing outside, watching him.
"You would what? Hit on our Ms. Lockheart?" Vincent asked with a teasing smile, which looked kinda weird on him.
"Oh, shut up, you strange gothic… man…" Rufus snapped.
"You know, snapping doesn't become Aerith… you should try sounding sweeter…" Vincent mumbled before walking out.
Rufus plopped down on the bed again, sighing heavily. "Hurry up, Aerith… I can't last much longer here…" he prayed silently with a restless look on his face.
***
"Excuse me, Heidegger," Aerith said.
Heidegger almost jumped up in surprise because "Rufus" just entered without knocking inside the Executives' Lounge.
"Kyah… good evening, President Rufus," Scarlet greeted uneasily.
"Oh good! All of you are here… uhm… I'd just like to ask some questions," Aerith said.
"Why did he come here all by himself? Usually he'd just call for us in his office or say everything in the conference room…" Reeve thought with a slight frown on his face.
Aerith stepped inside and approached them with a smile on Rufus's face.
"I just read something about switching identities… you know those things from some novels? For example, Scarlet switches souls with Reeve and Reeve's soul goes into Scarlet's body… you get the idea…" she said.
"Uh… yes, sir… what about that?" Heidegger asked.
"I was wondering how they could go back into their own bodies," Aerith said.
"Kyah…" Scarlet thought for a while.
"Uhm…" Reeve uttered uneasily, not having any idea on what to say.
"Gyah…" Heidegger didn't know anything.
Silence.
"Okay, none of you knows? I'll just be leaving now…" Aerith said, turning away.
"Whoa, that's strange. He didn't explode this time…" Reeve whispered to Scarlet.
"Kyah…" Scarlet nodded.
Aerith walked towards the Turk office. "Maybe they'd know…" she thought hopefully to herself. She opened the door and saw Rude filing things in the now-pink cabinet. "Oh, Rude!" she said happily in Rufus' voice.
Rude slowly turned to the Prez. "Yes sir," he said.
Aerith asked the same question. Rude nodded as he listened to the strange question. Finally, he thought of a decent reply.
"Yes, Rude, do you know the answer?" Aerith asked.
"Uh… actually, no…" Rude answered, frowning slightly.
Aerith sighed. "Okay… where's Elena, then?"
"Yes, sir?" Elena said from the doorway.
Aerith asked the question again.
"Oh, that's kick-you-in-the-crotch hard…." Elena said.
Aerith moved away. "Really? That'll work?" she asked.
"I don't know…" Elena said.
"Or maybe if you just hit each other's heads you'll return to your own bodies?" Reno asked.
Aerith shrugged. "I think I should try those things…" she thought silently. "Oh, Reno, can you do me a favor?" she asked.
"Me?" he asked.
"I want you to search for Aerith Gainsborough." Aerith told him.
"Wh…what?!" he asked.
"But… don't mind us saying, Sir… but she's dead!" Elena said.
"No, she's not, she's perfectly alive! You see, she was also given a chance to come back. It's a miracle, isn't it? Heeheehee!"
The Turks shivered upon hearing "Rufus" giggle like that.
"Where are we going to find her?" Rude asked, wanting to change the subject.
"Sector 7." Aerith began to give them the directions.
"Gee… how come Rufus knows the way to the AVALANCHE home?" Reno thought as he scratched his head.
"Hmmm…" Rude thought too.
"I can see where we're going with this…" Elena thought as she scribbled down what the Prez said by shorthand.
"… And then if you see that house with the flowers growing out of the sides, you can stop looking because that's it. Did you get all that?" Aerith finished.
"Uhm… yes, sir." The three replied.
"What are you going to do with her, President Rufus?" Reno asked.
Aerith thought for a while before smiling at them. "Oh I'd like to talk to her about some things regarding our stay in the Lifestream… and of course, ask how she's doing. I promise I would help her, you know?" she said happily.
The Turks were really wondering if "Rufus" was crazy or not, but they just obeyed. As usual.