Ah, the memories! - by Cunien
(Dedicated to Cap'n Cara and the Bloody Wench)

Yay! I'm writing this in celebration after getting my A-level results yesterday - the reason why there have been no posts for a few days.
Right, well Jack assures me this is the last chapter, but you never really know with him.

Mild cockney swearing as befits a...well, a Pirate.

Disclaimer: Jack Sparrow is the property of no man but himself. I own Tell-tale, the Man in my hat and Samuel Delaney. More's the pity. Calico Jack was a real historical figure.

Chapter 6 - Jack's best plan ever.

By now I'm getting pretty desperate, seeming as I only have roughly 17 hours to get my hat back. May seem like a long time to you, but Port Royal is a big place, and that's assuming the thief was still hanging around. He could be anywhere in Jamaica by now. Anywhere in the Caribbean.

So I put down the resulting fiasco to my desperation. I went and did something stupid instead of waiting for the opportune moment like I knew I should really. But it's funny how things work out in the end.

The first place I started my search was the harbour, but making sure me and Tell-tale skulked in the shadows so as to avoid any unpleasant confrontations with Marines, Rum runners, Governor whassisnames or Priests.

When we got there I sent Tell-tale off to scurry around town and see what he could find out. We were to meet back at the harbour later, where we would be less conspicuous amongst all the comings and goings.

Then I tried to snoop out all my old contacts. When you come and go as much as I do you meet a lot of people. The ones that I don't leave wanting to kill me almost always turn out to be loyal, and most of all useful, friends.

So I dug around a bit, asked some questions. Got very few answers. Now this was just after Whassisname had become Governor - fresh from England he was. But he'd brought with him that Norrington fellow and a ship-load of other young, alert and horribly efficient Marines.

Alas for my contacts. There were hardly any of them left. Most had been driven out of Port Royal, some disappeared, some hung and one or two turned respectable' - of course I had not time for their type now.

But there was one I managed to find and get some details out of. His name was Nicholas something or other, but everyone just called him The Admiral. He seemed to have been alive longer than was humanly possible, but these old seadogs tend to hang around for years - stubborn as mules. Not donkeys. Mules.

So everyone thought The Admiral was blind and dumb and deaf, but that was just for the people he didn't know or like. See, you can't answer any awkward questions then, can you? It can't possible have been you that stole all them Marine's uniforms from the barracks laundry, if you can't see. It isn't possibly that you heard where that thief was going to hide that swag if you can't hear, and there is no way that you told that Marine to Bugger off you stupid girl!, because you can't talk, right?

When you get to know The Admiral, treat him kind or do him a favour here and there, he'll tell you things, very interesting things.
Because he's just an unassuming old man. No one ever notices him, and that's why he notices everything. But The Admiral used to say that he must have had a gypsy mother, cos he'd only stop being a deaf and blind mute when you crossed his palm with silver right?

Well, it didn't always have to be silver - sometimes, if you had an interesting bit of hearsay or blackmail worthy information, he'd swap you something for it.

But see, The Admiral owes me some favours, because I've saved that wrinkled old hide of his a couple of times, and now I want something in return.

For you Jack, anythin. he muttered, smiling toothlessly at me. I seen that man, and I saw something weren't right with him straight away. I says to meself, that's Jack's hat that is, and I followed him back last night to the Ship and Castle Inn.

I thanked him, and in return, even though I didn't owe him anything, I told him about little Miss beautiful but pious and her fathers doings with them smugglers. And then I threw in Isobella's having her wicked way with young Father Dominic, because I was feeling generous, you know.

Well, The Admiral had really outdone himself this time. I made my way up to the Ship and Castle, looking for the Man in my hat. I didn't find him there though. On my way up the little slope to the Inn, I saw a familiar figure coming down towards me.

The Man in my hat walked right past me, obviously not recognising me. It was getting dark by now, and a sea mist had drifted in, so there was no moon and very little light.
But I knew him. Even on that dark night I'd recognise my hat anywhere.

So I turn around right, and walk after him. As I said before, he's a bit bigger than me, so he's got longer legs, and I'm running to try and catch up with him. Well he may have been big but he can't have been too bright, because he didn't even notice me running up behind him.

But then he turned around and I wish he hadn't noticed me at all. I realised then, too late, that stealth would really have been the key in this situation.

I should have skulked really, shouldn't I?

Anyway, he turned around and I couldn't stop running, cos we were on a little slope and I'd built up a bit of momentum right. So I ran straight into his fist. Which wasn't nice I can tell you.

I tried to pick myself up, but the Man in my hat did the job for me and got a hold of me by the scruff of my neck.
He really was a lot bigger than me.
And in my defence I did manage to punch him. But that only made him angrier, I think.

Obviously by now he's recognised who I am, which makes him punch all the harder. And as final insult, while I'm lying there momentarily stunned, he takes all my blimming clothes doesn't he?

Bastard.

And then, as a final final insult, he puts them all on, even though they're way too small for him.

Bastard.

So there I am, naked as the day I was born, watching the Man in my hat and now the Man in my hat and all my clothes walk away laughing to himself like christmas has just come early.

Well, he may have thought he'd won, but there's one thing he'd forgotten, wasn't there?

I, am Captain Jack Sparrow, and Captain Jack Sparrow knows no shame.
The human body is a beautiful thing, and I'm not ashamed of mine at all.

I was just a bit cold to be honest.
And worried that I was going to get caught by more bleeding Marines and arrested.
For exposing myself, you know.

The funny thing was, watching him walk away on that misty and moonless night, he really could have been me. I mean, he was bigger than me mind, so my clothes looked a bit daft on him, and his hair, though the same colour as mine was a bit shorter.........but, in the dark, to someone who didn't know me all that well......

An idea hit me then. Now, in all my years, I've had many a canny idea. But this one had to top them all. It was probably my best plan ever.

I called for Tell-tale. I knew he'd be around there somewhere, and sure enough he emerged from the bushes a few seconds later.

I have a cunning idea. I said
Tell-tale squatted beside me, nodding eagerly.
You said you'd spoken to them smugglers, right? They asked you if you'd seen me?
And I said No mate! Never seen Tell-tale said, obviously chuffed with himself.

I says, patiently, And they said they'd pay you 3 shillings if you came back to them with any information?

Tell-tale nodded again, still grinning from ear-to ear.

So hours later I'm in some bushes again. Different ones from last time though. These ones are outside the tavern I got thrown out of the other night.
I'm still in me birthday suit.

Tell-tale told me he'd seen the Man in my hat and clothes go in here, but I'm beginning to worry now, cos we've not seen hide nor hair of him yet.

Tell-tale waited outside right, in the shadows with the rum smugglers, a shilling in his sweaty little hands and the promise of 2 more once they've got me.

But they aren't getting me, are they, cos about quarter of an hour later it's not me who comes staggering out of the tavern, clutching a bottle of rum and singing What shall we do with the drunken sailor' at the top of my voice, is it?
No, it's the Man in my hat and clothes who looks a bit like me now and who's had so much rum he's beginning to walk a bit like me too.

The smugglers don't give him a chance to tell them they've got the wrong man.

They come swooping out of the shadows and I can see Tell-tale has a grin on his face to match mine. The tavern owner sticks his head out the door at one point, but seeing what's going on he shuts the door and pretends he hasn't seen anything.

So they're shouting Thought you could get away with drinking all that rum eh? Thought we were too stupid to notice did yeh?

After they've finished and the Man in my hat (actually my hat's been knocked off his head by now) is lying moaning on the floor all black eyes and bruises, Tell-tale runs over and gives him a little kick.

My heart positively swelled with pride then - you would have thought I was his bleeding father or something!

The smugglers laughed and gave him his 2 shillings plus 2 more, cos I think they took a shine to him.

So once they've cleared off and I'm sure they're not coming back, I go over to the Man in my hat and clothes.

I tut-tutted and shook my head at him, though he was dead to the world at that point. I took back all my clothes and my hat and gave him a little kick, just for the sake of it really. He didn't look so big and tough anymore, and I felt more pity than anger. I mean, what kind of life must he have led, to reduce him to the depths of stealing hats?

Scabrous bilge rat nearly tore holes in my boots, which were about two sizes too small for him anyway.

I felt great once I'd got my clothes back again.
I picked up my hat and put it on.

I felt like I could take on the whole world.

At about half 10 the next morning, I stood on the deck of the Adventure, fixing the rigging up proper and trying to sort out the yardarm which those fools of a crew had made a mighty mess of.

The mist had cleared and given way to another beautiful but bloody hot Caribbean day. I smiled though, cos it didn't bother me. I had my hat now, didn't I? Anyway, even though we were only about 2 miles south of Port Royal, hugging the cliffs, it was still a lot cooler out here.

There was a stiff sea breeze, and every now and then we'd hit a wave and go reeling up then down again in that wonderful topsy-turvy rhythm of the sea.
If you aren't accustomed to the sea you go staggering sideways, so it's easy to spot those new to the honourable profession of sailing, let alone pirating.

Well, we were just lolling sideways, and I'd just tied fast the mainsheet, when this ball of rags goes rolling past me. I put out an arm and grab this thing, and of course it's my shadow, grinning up at me, the little stow-away.

I threw him overboard.

Don't worry - do you think me so heartless that I'd chuck a little lad into the sea without checking if he could swim first?

The last thing I saw of Tell-tale was this little head, which was mostly all smile, waving maniacally at me as he bobbed back to shore.

Now don't look at me like that! It wasn't far to the cove we'd just passed!

Whenever I put into port one of the first things I do is dig out my connections, The Admiral being among them. The hearsay is that Tell-tale's on some Pirate frigate as first mate, which isn't bad going considering he can't be more than 20.

It makes me feel good, you know? He would probably have never taken up the honourable profession if it weren't for me. He would have remained a street rat and not lived past 15. Now he can enjoy a life expectancy of about 25, average.
So I feel I've done my good deed now.That's it. I'm all spent. Don't be expecting anymore from me.

So I ask after him whenever I can, see what he's up to. Sad when they've flown the nest aint it?

So. That's it, and don't give me that At last!' look.
I've come to the end of my tale, and let it be a cautionary one at that. There are lessons to be learnt here....... but maybe you could give me a shout when you find out what they are eh? Cos me, I don't have a clue.

Na-nan-na-na-na-na-na-na-nah.........................and really bad eggs............. .....drink up me hearties yo-ho!

THE END.

Sorry for the last line - I just couldn't resist .
(Especially for Cap'n 'you got to find yourself a girl mate' Cara)

Oh! I'm really sad this is finished now! Never felt like this with a fic before - I'm usually gald to have them out of the way and on to the next one!
I had so much fun writing this that I'm *considering* doing another - humour or maybe something more serious. Or as serious as you can be concerning Jack Sparrow. I have a few little ideas, again from little lines mentioned briefly and that I'd love to pick up and run with!
Any suggestions though? Ideas? Do you think I should, or are you all shouting No!Oh, oh God no!? Email me if you want.

Thankyou so much for encouragement and reviews!
Cunien.x.x.x.