Dude, Where's My Spoon?
Before we start I'd like to say THANK YOU to all those who reviewed… you make me very happy =D If I don't get feedback I assume no one's reading it so there's really no point to continue… which means reviewers, you're the ones keeping the story going! Thanks again!!
This chapter would've been up a lot sooner but Fanfiction.net was being annoying and not letting me upload it… grr. Oh and here's my little chapter warning… to anyone who actually speaks French, I'm still learning so I'm probably going to make a lot of mistakes here… bear with me, will ya?
Re-directed today: Dans le Chateau Mer…Merogvin…Mergovingininginisian… Dans le Chateau! PART UN.
SCENE: Elevator at chez Mer….Mergo… chez French guy.
Morpheus: Lalalalala, elevators are fun.
Neo: But we've already gone by about 10 bombs on the way up here…
Trinity: …That's not good.
Neo: No, no it isn't.
*Elevator door opens and the super-cool trio walks into the restaurant lobby, passing a door with a very obvious number 101 on it*
Maitre d': Oui, vous desirez?
Morpheus: We're here to see the Mer.. the uh, the Mero…
Maitre d': *sighs* Yes yes yes come wiss me. 'e 'as been expecting you.
Morpheus: Cool.
*They enter the restaurant and look around at all the fancy people wearing rubber and too much perfume and eating five-course lunches*
Neo: *watches Mer-man's lackeys drag some guy out* Hey, wha…
Mer…you know who I mean: Ah, 'ere 'e is at last! Neo, ze One 'imself, n'est-ce pas?
Neo: *uses rodent-like attention span powers* You talk funny.
Mer-man: And ze legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course, si belle qu'elle me fait souffrir.
Trinity: …run that by me again?
Mer-man: 'ave a seat, please! Oh yes, zis is my wife, Persephone.
Persephone: Rowrr.
Neo: *scoots chair away slightly*
Morpheus: Does that make you lord of the underworld?
Mer-man: And you are ze God of sleep, non?
Morpheus: …yeah alright.
Mer-man: I sought so. Escargots?
Neo: Um, no, thanks.
Mer-man: Anyone? Anyone?
Morpheus and Trinity: …
Mer-man: 'mpf. It is your loss. *stuffs a handful in his mouth*
Neo: Eww…
Two abnormally pale identical dudes with blonde dread locks sitting at a corner table: *snicker*
Mer-man: So… you are 'ere for ze Keymaker.
Neo: How'd you know that?
Mer-man: A little snail told me.
Neo: Ugh…
Mer-man: But ze question is, do you know why you are 'ere?
Neo: Yeah, you just said. The Keymaker.
Mer-man: But ze Keymaker 'imself is not a end, 'e is a means. A means to do… what?
Neo: uhhh…
Mer-man: Aha, you see, you sink you know, but you do not!
Neo: No, there's a... a snail…
Mer-man: Quoi? Ah! *plucks snail off his ear and eats it* Delicious.
Neo: Ewwwwwwww!!
Mer-man: You see, you came 'ere because ze Oracle told you to. Cause and effect. Causality is ze only real truss.
Morpheus: Eversing— I mean, everything begins with choice.
Mer-man: Non. Wrong. Zere is no choice.
Neo: No, see, it's "there is no sp—"
Mer-man: Choice is an eeluuusion created between zose wiss power and zose wissout. Allow me to demonstrate.
Neo, Trinity and Morpheus: *expectant pause*
*a waiter comes in with a piece of cake*
Morpheus: …the director isn't cutting this out?
Mer-man: Look at zat woman, ze bleach-blonde over zere. I 'ave sent 'er a very special dessert… I made it myself.
Persephone: *makes annoyed "'ere 'e goes again" face*
Bleach-blonde: *takes a bite of cake and makes a weird face*
Mer-man: She wonders, what is it? Is it ze wine? Non! What is it zen, what is it about zis dessert…
Bleach-blonde: BEURK!!
N, T & M: Huh?
Bleach-blonde: *covers mouth and runs off in the direction of the bathroom*
Mer-man: Ahrnhrnhrn! You see, cause and effect! She tried my gâteau escargots, she 'ad to run to ze bassroom! Alzo I still cannot see why… Tiens! Serveur! Donnez-moi ce morceau de gâteau, s'il vous plait. Oui, là-bas. Merci. Mmm… *takes the plate from the waiter and shoves a huge chunk of cake in his mouth*
N, T & M: Uughh… *look about to be sick*
Mer-man: *through full mouth* I shee no reashon to releashe sh'e Keymaker. *swallows* Run back to ze fortune-teller, and tell 'er she 'as been turned in to me! Auhaunhrnhrnhrnhrn! 'er time is almost up. *gets up*
N, T & M: WHOA!!!
Mer-man: *looks slightly distressed* Zwhat?? What is it??
Neo: Hahahaha you guys said whoa…
Morpheus: You're actually a mermaid?!
Mer-man: *turns slightly red and gives a high-pitched cough* Merman!! I am a MerMAN!!
Derek Zoolander: *cough, cough*
Trinity: *laughing hysterically* You have a TAIL!
Morpheus: HAHAHAHAHA!
Mer-man: *turns on his tail fin and attempts to storm off in a dignified manner while hopping lopsidedly*
Persephone: Where are you going?
Mer-man: *grumbles* I told you, ma chèrie, we are all victims of causality. I ran out of escargots, I must go get some more. Au revoir.
N, T & M: HAHAHAHAHA….
ELEVATOR:
Neo: *snort* Well that went well.
Trinity: *giggles* He's a MERMAID…
Morpheus: Hehehehe… don't worry, know what happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way.
Neo: How do you know?
Morpheus: Because that was a flippin' cool quote just there! Did you miss it or something?!
*elevator door opens to reveal Persephone, who is apparently also a mermaid. Her tail seems to be composed of the same ridiculous rubber as her dress*
Persephone: If you want ze Keymaker, come wiss me. *glances at tail fins and sighs*
Morpheus: What?
Persephone: Just mourning ze loss of my lovely silver pumps. *hops off down the hall*
N, T & M: *follow, trying not to giggle too much*
Persephone: *hops through a door marked La Cuisine de les Legumes, bumps a chef away from a cutting board and begins chopping carrots viciously* I am so sick and tired of 'is snails… on and on, ze voracious slob. When we first came to zis place it was so different. 'e was so different. *glances at Neo* 'e was like you.
Neo: Uh… how so?
Persephone: 'e didn't stuff 'is face wiss escargots every t'ree seconds!!
Neo: …oh.
Persephone: I'll give you ze Keymaker, but first you 'ave to do somesing for me.
Trinity: *growls*
Neo: What?
Persephone: You 'ave-a to make me a pizza-pie-a!
Trinity: EXCU—wait, what?
Persephone: Wiss no snails! I cannot stand ze sings anymore!
Trinity: …well...yeah, alright, no objections.
Neo: Um. Huddle! *grabs Trinity and Morpheus and runs off into corner*
Persephone: *eats a carrot stick*
Trinity: What's up?
Neo: I can't cook! I was a hacker for thirty years! I never made anything but cup-o-noodle!
Morpheus: You do know you're not Japanese…
Neo: Whatever.
Persephone: *calls over to huddle* Time is running out, mes petits chous!
Neo: …Did she just call me a shoe?
Trinity: Well let's just order a pizza then.
Morpheus: You would think she could do that herself…
Neo: *sticks head up* Uh, Mrs. Merperson?
Persephone: A-oui?
Neo: Can I order a pizza?
Persephone: Non, dear, it must-a be fresh! My 'usband, 'e does not understand Italian cuisine…
Neo: Um. *ducks head down again* Can you guys cook?
Morpheus: Duh, we were computer nerds too. You're the One, can't you just change the code so it doesn't taste bad?
Neo: I dunno, I never tried!
Trinity: Well we'll help. It can't come out that bad.
Neo: Okay… *breaks up huddle and walks back over to Persephone* Can this be a group project?
Persephone: Zat is fine. But 'urry up!
Neo: You're a weird lady…
15 MINUTES LATER…
Trinity: No, no—you have twirl it when you throw it—no, like this—
Morpheus: I know what I'm doing!
Neo: *is sitting on a stool watching and eating grated Parmesan cheese out of a bowl* 'ere, put some spin on it... yeah, that's the ticket.
Morpheus: *glare*
Neo: Whaaat, you told me to butt out!
Morpheus: You weren't helping! And you're always on her side!
Neo: Yup!
Trinity: Look, just give it to me! N—n— j'st—give—give it!
Morpheus: Cut it out! I can do it—hey!
*pizza dough flies into the air, does a dramatic slow-mo pizza-time spin and lands square on Neo's head*
Neo: *muffled* …d'oh.
Trinity: I hope you're happy.
Morpheus: I didn't do it!!
Trinity: Psshh. Whatever. *takes pizza off Neo's head*
Neo: So… that didn't really work out, then.
Morpheus: Persephone's gonna come back any minute! What are we supposed to do?!
Neo: Hmmm… *ponders*
Morpheus: *grabs the cheese bowl and stuffs a handful in his mouth, pouting*
Neo: *glares at a random spot in space*
Trinity: Um.
Neo: *keeps glaring at random spot until it gets green and code-y and a pizza appears floating in the air with a funny pop noise*
Trinity and Morpheus: WHOA!!
Neo: Hahahaha you said it again…
Trinity: How did you do that?!
Neo: I dunno.
Morpheus: Here she comes!
Persephone: *hops in* Ah, ze pizza! Bravo! And now, to taste it… *pulls a large silver plate out of the nowhere pocket and grabs the pizza from out of thin air with it* Slices already cut? Impressive. *takes a bite, pausing for dramatic music* Mmmm… yes… zat's it… it 'as been so long since I tasted pizza wissout snails… Alright, follow me. I will show you to ze Keymaker.
N, T & M: *hi-five*
Neo: Oh yeah, who can make good pizza! w00t w00t!
OWARI!
Director's note: Whoa, I'm on a roll! I shall be pleased if that was half as much fun to read as it was to write. And please, if you read it, review! Good or bad, I want to know what you think. Look for part deux soon! =D À bientôt,
~Mako