Dude, Where's My Spoon?
Filling in some gaps…
SCENE ONE: Meet LINK. Oh goody joy.
THE NEB:
Morpheus: Whee this thing is steered with joysticks!
LINK: Uh, sir, I think you should—
Morpheus: Shut up, LINK.
LINK: But sir, there's a bunch of squiddies—
Morpheus: I SAID SHUT UP!
LINK: …
Morpheus: *rolls eyes and sighs in exasperation* Look.. LINK…given your *air quotes* "situation", I can't say I fully understand your "reasons" for "volunteering" to "operate" onboard my "ship."
LINK: …are you saying this isn't a ship, or—
Morpheus: However, if you wish to continue to stay here, you're going to have to learn to do one thing.
LINK: What's that, sir?
Morpheus: TALK TO THE HAND!
LINK: B—
Morpheus: *holds hand up* N'!
LINK: But I—
Morpheus: J'!
LINK: Tha—
Morpheus: Z'p!!
LINK: *sighs* Yessir.
Morpheus: Shut up. *lands the ship and sticks his tongue out at LINK*
***
SCENE(S) TWO: Arrival in Zion, city of caves and freaks and ghetto spoons.
THE NEB:
LINK: This is the Nebuchadnezzar requesting permission to land.
ZION CONTROL (extremely bright white after half an hour of Neb and night scenes):
Audience: AHH! OUR EYES! OUR EYES!! IT BLINDS!!!!
Random Zion lady: *rolls eyes* Sure, LINK. Stand by.
NEB:
LINK: *drums on consol*
Random Zion lady: Welcome home.
LINK: No place like it.
Mako: And what a shame that is. *rolls eyes*
*Long dramatic scene of Zion machinery and various official people communicating as the ship lands, then the crew of the Neb gets off*
Morpheus: Captain Mifune.
Mifune: Yo.
Morpheus: Are you here to throw me in the slammer?
Mifune: Hahahano.
Lock's Lieutenant: COMMANDER LOCK DEMANDS—
Mifune: *ahim!*
Lieutenant: Requests…YOUR IMMEDIATE COUNSEL, SIR!
Morpheus: At ease, lieutenant. I'll be right with you. *sighs* LINK… I want the ship charged ASAP.
LINK: Yessir.
Morpheus: *walks off with Lieutenant*
LINK: Always in a hurry… *walks off*
Neo: What's up with them?
Trinity: Morpheus and Lock?
Neo: *nod*
Trinity: Niobe. She used to be with Morpheus, now she's with Lock.
Neo: Why?
Trinity: Morpheus went to the Oracle, stopped paying attention to Niobe… he's a bit obsessive, you know.
Neo: Well that was most unexcellent of him.
Trinity: *raises eyebrow*
Neo: Er, sorry.
Kid: NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo and Trinity: ACK!!
Neo: Nooo… how does he always know?! I suddenly have a headache…
Trinity: You know what they say about the life you save.
Neo: ………what do they say?
Trinity:………uh, I don't know, I thought you knew.
Neo: No…
Kid: *runs up* HIYA NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trinity, LINK!!!!!!!!!! It's great to have you back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LINK: *has apparently reappeared* Hey Kid.
Neo: *mumbles* Let's get out of here… *grabs bag*
Kid: Can I carry that for you Neo?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
Neo: No, no need for that…
Kid: Trinity????????????
Trinity: I'm fine, Kid.
LINK: *dumps a bunch of bags on Kid* You can carry these.
Kid: *muffled* Sure…LINK…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*they walk off, Kid running to keep up*
Kid: Hey you know next year I'm old enough to join a ship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been thinking about it and I've decided to join up with you, Neo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: *sob* Nooo…
Trinity: *sweatdrop*
Kid: I mean after all you got me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MY HEEEEEEEEEROOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: I told you Kid I didn't save you! You saved yourself!
LOCK'S OFFICE:
Morpheus: Lock.
Lock: Morpheus.
*long pause for glaring contest*
Lock: *sigh* You disobeyed me, Captain.
Morpheus: Your point?
Lock: If we're going to save Zion I need Captains to obey my orders!
Morpheus: There is only one way to save our city… Neo.
Lock: STOP SAYING THAT!
Morpheus: Whaaaat, it's true!
Lock: Just SHUT UP! You're giving me a headache!
Morpheus: You're the one who's yelling!
Lock: I AM NOT!!!!!!
Hamann: *walks in* Boys, boys, please! Calm down!
Morpheus and Lock: *mumble* Yes Councilor…
Hamann: Now, there's a gathering tonight.
Morpheus: Oooh goody!!
Hamann: The council has asked me to speak, but nobody wants to listen to me. I'm an old man! Hahahaha. So I'll trade off with you, Morpheus.
Morpheus: Cool!
Lock: *scowl*
Hamann: People are getting suspicious, what with all the rumors about squiddies and the presence of the fleet. We need to address this.
Lock: Ye-es… but don't tell them the truth, they'll freak out.
Hamann: What do you think, Captain?
Morpheus: Tell them the truth! The worst they'll do is start dancing.
Hamann: This is true.
Morpheus: *sticks tongue out at Lock*
Lock: Grrr…
YET ANOTHER ELEVATOR:
Kid: There are RUMORS about SQUIDDIES and BAD THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's going on?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!
Neo: Lay off the foreshadowing. It's irritating.
LINK: We're not allowed to say anything anyway.
*elevator stops and door opens*
LINK: Welp, time for me to go be pointless elsewhere. Coming, Kid?
Kid: Nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: Hey, wait a second—
Kid: Script says I stay here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trinity: …we have a script?
Neo: Apparently everyone knows about it but us. It's starting to get on my nerves.
LINK: Hey don't ask me. *shrug* Well.. see ya later then.
Neo: Uuuuuuugh….
*elevator doors close and the awkward pause begins*
Trinity: Wow... I never knew Zion had elevator music.
*pause*
Kid: *smiling like an idiot*
*pause*
Neo: Are you gonna go away any time soon?
Kid: Nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: Grr.
*pause*
*elevator stops and door opens, to reveal a hundred old Zion people with presents for Neo*
Neo: Um.
Trinity: …
Kid: *makes himself scarce*
Neo: Oh sure, RUN AWAY NOW, KID!!
Old Zion Lady: Please Neo, I have a son Jacob on the Gnosis and everyone thinks he's weird because he has a normal name. Please, watch over him.
Neo: I'll—uh, try…
Trinity: Poor Neo. *goes to leave*
Neo: Waaaaiiiit…
Trinity: I'll be back later.
Neo: *whines*
Trinity: Humor them, please?
Neo: Okay…
Trinity: Thank you. *leaves*
Another old lady with the exact same voice: I have a daughter on the Icarus.
Neo: Uh huh…
ZEE'S ROOM-THING:
LINK: *walks in* Where's m—mmff!! *is tackled by a flying Mako*
Mako: YOU SHUT UP!!! *duct tapes LINK's mouth* NOT IN MY KITCHEN, MISTER! HMPF! *kicks LINK and storms off*
Little kids: …………………………………
Cass: Uh, come on kids, we should go.
*Cass and kids walk out, glancing nervously at LINK*
Zee: *gets up and stands over the twitching, duct-taped LINK* You never come home, loser! Both my brothers are DEAD!
Audience:…..WHAT?!?!
Mako: TANK IS NOT DEEEEEAAAAAAD!!
Zee: I don't care if you *air quotes* "promised Dozer you'd take his place in the event of his death by a murderous psychotic crew member." If he thought that for some completely unimaginable reason I would actually LIKE you he wouldn't have sent you off to bother his friends!!
LINK: *twitch* Mff…
Zee: Word.
INSERT CHAPTER ONE HERE. Hahahaha moving on.
***
SCENE THREE: Watch Titanic much?
Neo: *yells from bathroom* Honey, have you seen my hair gel?
Trinity: *yells back* No dear, you're out, remember?
Neo: …oh. Dangit! How am I supposed to do that cool kick-up thing?!
Trinity: Oh! Almost forgot. Come here for a sec, would you?
Neo: *appears, with fuzzy hair*
Trinity: Hehehe… Here, I have a line to get in. You gonna tell me what's bothering you yet?
Neo: Umm… uhh… *looks sad*
Trinity: That's okay. *grabs Neo's hand* Just don't forget, I'll never let go.
Neo: *sniff sniff* That's a… *sniff* good line…
Trinity: Thank James Cameron.
*glompage*
James Cameron: ….I'm the king of the world!
***
SCENE FOUR: Neo's bad dream (No. 2)
THE MATRIX: BANE and MALACHI drop through a skylight holding some random package (possibly from the Osiris ––probably not but hey maybe they got it from Niobe— but how the heck would I know I haven't finished the game.)
Bane: Okay there?
Malachi: Did you see that Smelrond?!
Bane: …what?
Malachi: *looks confused* I.. uh.. I mean… the.. Agent… *scratches head*
Bane: …..Whatever. The only thing that matters is this most mysterious package I'm carrying. You first.
BANE picks up ringing phone and hands it to MALACHI. MALACHI gets all code-y and disappears. Just then, SMITH appears standing ominously in the skylight.
Smith: *drops through* Well hello, Miiiiister Somebody.
SMITH punches BANE in the stomach. BANE wheezes, gets all silvery and with a poof of smoke turns into a SMEL—a SMITH. SMITH ONE adjusts OTHER SMITH's tie.
Other Smith: Thank you.
Smith: My pleasure.
SMITHS exchange smiles, OTHER SMITH raises a possessed eyebrow and picks up ringing phone, goes all code-y and disappears*
OWARI!!
Director's note: Now that the fillers are done, I'll get cracking on To The Oracle! which is already nearly complete, then go back to Le Chateau Part Deux, also already nearly complete, and I will have parodied the ENTIRE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE! w0000000000000000000t! Summer's coming up, so if I'm feeling ambitious I'll put all the scenes in order and post them that way. Thanks again to my lovely reviewers, even if 8 of my 20 reviews refuse to show up on my review page, I get the e-mails so I read 'em. Thanks bunches, you make me happy! =D Till next time, this is your redirector, signing off.
~Mako