Dude, Where's My Spoon?
Goin' to see the Oracle! Hooray, hooray!
RANDOM ZION HALLWAY:
Ballard: *knocks*
Trinity: *opens door* Hey there.
Ballard: Neo in?
Neo: *appears* Yo.
Ballard: *hands Neo a computer chip thingy* It's from the Oracle.
Neo: Whoa…
ZEE'S ROOM-THING:
LINK: Yup, time to go be the Operator!
Zee: Yeah, I got that. *hands LINK a funny necklace thingy*
LINK: Zee—
Zee: I want you to wear it.
LINK: Nothing's going to happen to me!
Zee: Are you kidding?! Your very existence is due to a massive, gaping plothole! The director hates your guts! Your name is constantly capitalized to emphasize the fact that you are a nothing more rather weak fabrication of the Wachowskis' ordinarily ingenious imaginations whose only purpose is to cover up their inability to cast Marcus Chong in the sequel! *breath* People roll their eyes whenever you talk because the very fact that you are in this movie annoys them! AND YOU'RE NAMED AFTER THE MAIN CHARACTER IN ZELDA!! I'm surprised there haven't been a thousand attempts on your life already!!
LINK: …..*grabs necklace* Got any more of this good luck stuff?
OUTSIDE THE NEB:
Smith-Bane: *is standing behind some machinery, painting his nails* So this is what humans do… oh here comes Miiiiiiiister Anderson. Muahahahahahaharaaah! This will be fun. *walks up behind Neo and the crew, ready to chuck the nail polish bottle at his head*
Kid: NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neb crew: *jump*
Neo: GEEZ what does he want now?! *turns around* Ki—…oh. Something wrong Bane?
Smith-Bane: *snaps fingers and grumbles* Raah, foiled again! Err… No… just wanted to wish you good luck…. *grumble grumble*
Neo: Oh, thanks. *shakes Bane's hand* Dude… did you paint your nails??
Smith-bane: Uh, we'll see you. *runs off*
Neo: We? …. Hm. I think he's turning into Gollum.
Trinity: …who?
Neo: *scratches head* Did I say… something? I mean……..what? *looks confused*
Trinity: Oookaay….
Kid: *runs up* NEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a present for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: *groans*
Kid: It's from the Councilor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: ….sure it's not from the director?
Kid: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He made me promise to get it to you before you left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: Alright… *takes a random red piece of cloth from Kid and rolls eyes* Gee, I wonder what it could be. *unrolls it* What… there's nothing in here! Dude, where's my spoon?!
Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!
Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!
Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Neo: Dude, where's my spoon?!
Kid: Dude, where's your spoon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Neo: ….oh wait, there's a note.
Note: You see, I could have put it in here, but that would be entirely defeating the purpose, now wouldn't it?
Mako and audience: THERE IS NO SPOON!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Neo: *shakes head* Heh. That Spoon Kid's pretty good. Thanks. *gets on the elevator with the rest of the Neb crew*
THE NEB:
Trinity: …what the heck was that?!
Neo: It's uh… a long story…
LINK: Hey, looks like someone left us a message.
Morpheus: What?
LINK: Someone contacted the ship while we were gone. It says the name is "A.U." Wants you to meet with him at this location.
Neo: You think that's safe?
Morpheus: Ask the Oracle about it. Right now you have to go, she could be waiting.
Neo: Okay. *sits in chair*
Trinity: Have fun.
Neo: Hahaha, thanks.
Trinity: *jacks Neo in*
MATRIX: A hustling bustling little Chinatown. This miniscule scene is one of the most cinematically artistic moments in the movie. It lasts fifteen minutes.
Neo: Darnit… it said make a LEFT! Where the heck am I?!
*cell phone rings*
Neo: *picks up* Hello?
Trinity: (on phone) It's right behind you, dear.
Neo: *turns around* ….oh. Thanks.
Trinity: Any time. *click*
Neo: *opens a door and finds himself in a Japanese-style teahouse, opposite an Asian man wearing sunglasses and sitting cross-legged on a table drinking tea. His code is gold.* Whoa… hey, dude.
Seraph: *sets his teacup down and stands up, bowing* Ara. Neo-san, ne? Yoroshiku. I am Seraph. You seek te Orakuru.
Neo: The what?
Seraph: Te Orakuru. I can take you to her. But first, I must aporogize.
Neo: For what?
Seraph: For tis. *goes karate on Neo*
Neo: Whoa! *goes kung-fu*
Mako and various audience members: YEA!!!
Mako: I LOVE THIS PART!!!!
Neo: *ducks and blocks and flips and looks incredibly cool*
Seraph: *looks kinda like a monkey when he fights but is still also very very cool*
*They flip up onto a table, jump around a lot and do lots of cool footwork tricks, and knock a bowl of chopsticks off the table. Neo does a flip and goes on the offensive, nearly knocks Seraph backwards, then blocks another punch, flying backwards and bouncing off the wall before doing a little dance thing*
Neo: I AM NOT DANCING!
Mako: Psshh.
Seraph: *puts hand up* O-ke.
Neo: *looks confused*
Seraph: Te Orakuru has man'y'enemies. I had to be sure.
Neo: Of what?
Seraph: Tat you are ta One.
Neo: *makes a Ted face* You could've just asked.
Mako: HEE-HEE! Neo, you're cute.
Trinity: Yo, butt out! You're not in this scene! …You're not in any of them!
Mako: But this is my favorite paaa-aaaart!
Neo: *raises eyebrow*
Seraph: Ano… where are tese voices coming from?
Neo: I stopped asking a long time ago. Shall we?
Seraph: Ah... yes. Forrow me. *opens door to a blindingly white hallway lined with green doors*
Neo: ….whoa.
Seraph: *closes door behind them*
NEB:
LINK: Where'd they go?!
Morpheus: Lost them? Nice one.
LINK: But—
Morpheus: Pshh! Talk to the hand!
RANDOM HALLWAY:
Neo: Heeey… these are back doors. Programmer access.
Seraph: You're smarter tan you rook.
Neo: I'll just ignore that because I don't know if it's a compliment or an insult. How do they work?
Seraph: Ta code is hidden in tumbrers. One posission opens a rock. Another posission opens one of tese doors.
Neo: Wow, you have the coolest accent ever.
Seraph: I know.
Neo: Are you a programmer or a program?
Seraph: I protect tat which matters most. *unlocks and opens a door, motioning Neo through*
Neo: You didn't answer my question.
Seraph: You say tat rater. Go see Orakuru now. *pushes Neo through door*
Neo: *stumbles into a graffiti-covered basketball court or something, where the Oracle is sitting on a bench feeding crows* Whoa…
Oracle: Well come on over here where I can see ya! I ain't gonna bite… hard. *chuckle*
Neo: *walks over and removes sunglasses*
Oracle: Myy-yy goodness, look at you! You turned out alright, didn't you? I can't for the life of me see why those Twin things have more fangirls.
Neo: …what?
Oracle: How do you feel?
Neo: I uhh—
Oracle: I know you're not sleeping. And you hate foreshadowing, but you'll have to put up with it for about five minutes, kiddo. Why don't you have a seat this time.
Neo: …maybe I'll stand.
Oracle: Planning on flying off, Superman? Mm? Well, suit yourself.
Neo: …..*sits* ……I felt like sitting.
Mako: HEE-HEE!
Off-screen characters: Shut up!
Oracle: So, let's get the obvious stuff over with.
Neo: You're a program. *looks at Seraph standing off in a corner* So is he.
Oracle: Well it's tough to get any more obvious than that. Keep going.
Neo: But that means you're a part of the machine world, you could be just another form of control. So the question is… how can I trust you?
Oracle: Bingo. It is a pickle, no doubt about it. The bad news is you can't really know whether I'm here to help you or not. You'll just have to make up your own d—darn mind. *digs around in her purse*
Neo: Wait, that's the bad news? Really?
Oracle: No. Candy?
Neo: …d'you already know if I'm going to take it?
Oracle: Of course.
Neo: So why bother asking?
*pause*
Oracle: …no, you're supposed to say "how can I make a choice?" Come on kiddo, don't you have the script?
Neo: Uh, no…
Oracle: …Ah, well… I can see how that would be a problem. Just, say your line, then…
Neo: Oh. Uh. Then how can I make a choice?
Oracle: You didn't come here to make the choice, you already made it. You're here to understand why you made it.
Neo: Because… I… like candy?
Oracle: Bingo. *hands Neo candy* Thought you would've figured that out already.
Neo: Or maybe it's because all I ever get to eat is gloop…
Oracle: I think you're overanalyzing it, Neo.
Neo: Or maybe it goes back to that time when I was a kid growing up in the Matrix and that bully Russel Brusselfoot stuck a pineapple in my ear—
Oracle: OKAY, time to move on!
Neo: …sorry. *looks at candy* ….why are you here?
Oracle: Well I'm pretty sure it's not the same reason you are.
Neo: But why are you helping us?
Oracle: We're all here to do what we're all here to do. I'm here to give slightly cryptic advice and hand out yummy treats.
Neo: Are there other programs like you?
Oracle: Well, lots of people's grandmothers… oh, programs. No, not like me, but… look, see those birds? There's a program that controls them, there's a program for the trees and the wind and the tides and the seasons. There's a program that makes sure weathermen are always wrong and a program that makes VCRs impossible to work, there's a program that makes ice cream melt and marshmallow peeps get stale. There's even a program that spits out little pudgy ingenious directors to create the next blockbuster movie. There's programs running all over the place. The programs that are doing what they're meant to do are invisible, you'd never even know they're there. But the other ones… well, you hear about them all the time.
Neo: I've never heard of them.
Oracle: Oh of course you have. Aliens, werewolves, ghosts, vampires, angels, mermaids, traffic cones—
Neo: Traffic cones?
Oracle: Don't ask. They're all the system assimilating some program that's doing something they're not supposed to be doing.
Neo: Programs hacking programs.
Oracle: You could say that…
Neo: Why?
Oracle: Oh, they have their reasons. Usually a program skeedadles and hides out in the Matrix when it faces deletion.
Neo: And why would a program be deleted?
Oracle: Why does Bill Gates keep making new versions of Microsoft?
Neo: ………Bill Gates is a program?!
Oracle: Well, yes, but that's beside the point. Maybe a program breaks down, maybe a better one is created to replace it. And then what happens to all those programs that aren't Y2K compatible?
Neo: I see what you mean. …..What a load of crap that was.
Oracle: Tell me about it! Nobody listened to me, they all just stuffed their basements with cans of beans and bags of rice, as if that would have helped anything.
Neo: …what kind of beans?
Oracle: What? I don't know, why?
Neo: …er… *looks confused* never mind… I don't know why I asked.
Oracle: *gives Neo a weird look before continuing* Anyway, when a program faces deletion it can become an exile and hide out here or it can return to the Source.
Neo: The machine mainframe.
Oracle: How do you know this stuff? …Yeah. Where you must go. Where the path of the one ends.
Neo: I don't like the sound of that.
Oracle: You've seen it in your dreams, haven't you?
Neo: Nooo, don't go there…
Oracle: The door made of light…
Neo: *whimper*
Oracle: what happens when you go through the door?
Neo: …meep.
Oracle: Come on…
Neo: I said don't talk about it! You already know anyway! *sniff*
Oracle: Oh, now don't start the waterworks on me… *digs in her purse and produces a tissue box*
Neo: *grabs a tissue and sniffs loudly*
Oracle: You have the sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without time. You can't see what happens to her—
Neo: wahh!!
Oracle: —because we can never see past the choices we don't understand.
Neo: What are you talking about?! There was a *sniff* car, and, and—
Oracle: Oh, that was just a special effect thrown in to freak out the audience.
Neo: WELL THANKS FOR TELLING ME!!
Oracle: In any case, you missed something important I said back there.
Neo: …ch—*sniff* choice?
Oracle: Yes, since you're too busy blubbering to ask, you do have to decide whether Trinity lives or dies, because you're the One.
Neo: *sobs* Nooo! I dun wanna be the One!!
Oracle: But really you've already made the choice, now you have to understand it.
Neo: waaaah…
Oracle: Okay, okay, calm down. We still have some important stuff to discuss.
Neo: mih…*blows nose*
Oracle: Alright now kiddo?
Neo: *nods*
Oracle: Okay. Just stay with me for a few more minutes here. Was there something you wanted to ask me about?
Neo: *sniffle* Um… oh. Someone left a message on the ship, the name was "A.U." *sniff* Wanted us to meet with him.
Oracle: And what do you think about that?
Neo: Well it might be dangerous, a trap or something… so Morpheus told me to ask you about it.
Oracle: Mm-hmm. Well, meeting with dangerous people seems to be an inevitable part of your future, and I don't see that this should be any worse than the rest. Go, see what you can find out.
Neo: Okay.
Oracle: But first, there's someone else you need to pay a visit to. A very powerful program. He has kidnapped another exile, the Keymaker, and he will not let him go willingly. You need to retrieve the Keymaker in order to get to the Source.
Neo: Meep… what's his name?
Oracle: Oh, you had to ask. It's the… the Mer… the Mero…well it's written down here. *hands Neo a piece of paper* Be there or be square.
Seraph: *sidles up and taps the Oracle on the shoulder* Me must go.
Oracle: *smiles* Our time is up. Seems like all I've ever got for you is bad news.
Neo: Shyeah…
Oracle: I'm sorry about that, I surely am. I know you still don't really believe fate can't be changed. Keep that up, it seems to work for you. And for what it's worth, you've made a believer out of me. Good luck kiddo.
Neo: Bye…
Seraph: *opens the door, follows the Oracle through and bows to Neo before closing it*
OWARI!
Director's note: Yes, I know… "No burly brawl?!?!" Don't worry, it's coming. Man am I gonna have fun with that… XD But I wanted to get this chapter up ASAP so I could get my chronological order version going. A little reminder: If you read it, review it! I don't care if you just want to say it's crap (although I'd appreciate if you worded it a bit more nicely…) but I just want to know what you think. And, you know, that people are reading it at all. Tomorrow's my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL so expect the next update soon! Till next time,
~Mako