Dude, Where's My Spoon?
Le Chateau… Part Deux!
SCENE: A random room in Chateau Mero. There are a couple of dudes in suits who are not-so-secretly werewolves reclining on the couches, watching the Fellowship of the Ring on a wide screen TV.
Persephone: *hops in, followed by the super-cool trio*
Werewolves: *jump up looking distressed*
Persephone: 'ees alright boys, zey're wiss me. Zese are my 'usband's 'ighest ranking lackeys. Zey do 'is dirty work. Zey're very guud. N'est-ce pas?
Werewolves: …Oui, Madame…
Persephone: Zey come from a much older version of ze Matrix. I don't know why 'e keeps zem, ozzer zan zey are very 'ard to get rid of. Believe me, I 'ave tried.
Werewolf 1: *looks as if he feels he should be doing something* Euh… est-ce que vous desirez des escargots, Madame?
Persephone: *twitches*
N, T & M: Uh-oh.
Persephone: Zat's eet… zat is ze last straw…*pulls the giant silver pizza plate out of the nowhere pocket and whaps Werewolf 1 over the head with it*
Werewolf 1: …*thud*
Werewolf 2: Le meep!!
N, T & M: Um.
Persephone: You can run away and tell my 'usband what I 'ave done, or you can take your chances 'ere.
Werewolf 2: …*runs*
Persephone: Il est dans la cuisine de les fruits de la mer! *looks at the super-cool trio* Zis way, follow me. *hops off*
N, T & M: ……*follow*
Persephone: *hops down the hallway and stops in front of a door that is humming and squeaking loudly* 'e is in 'ere, Neo.
Neo: *opens door and steps into a very tiny room, every inch of which is covered with a ridiculous number of keys* Whoa…
Keymaker: *looks up from a large humming machine and squeaks*
Neo: Hey, little dude… I'm Neo.
Keymaker: *squeaks* I know, I've been waiting for you. *pulls key out of a slot in the machine and blows on it twice*
Neo: …cool.
BIG MANSION-LOOKNG PART OF LE CHATEAU:
Mer-man: AUGH! My God, Persephone! 'ow could you do zis to me?! You betrayed me!
Persephone: Cause and effect, mon chère.
Mer-man: Zwhat cause?! Zere is no cause for zis!
Persephone: "Zwhat cause?" 'ow about ze escargots in your 'air?
Mer-man: Hein? *plucks a snail out of his hair and resists the urge to eat it* What is your point?
Persephone: My point is you spend more time gorging yourself on escargots zan you do wiss me! And I 'ave a strong suspicion- remember zat it is my special talent to know zese sings- zat you are cheating on me but ze director would not allow such filss to be in 'er story.
Mer-man: *sputter*
Persephone: Also, you are annoying.
Mer-man: Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai! Woman—
Persephone: Don't call me zat! Unlike you I 'ave a real name!
Mer-man: Zis is nossing! C'est rien! C'est rien du tout!
Persephone: Non, no more! I 'ave 'ad enough of your snails!
Mer-man: A—
Persephone: Zat is it, mon chère. Au revoir. *walks out*
Mer-man: *fume* Zis is all your fault!!
*pause*
Neo: …oh, you mean us?
Mer-man: *snaps fingers and summons weird blonde dread lock dudes* Twins, get zem! …and ze Keymaker too, I suppose.
Twins: *ghostify*
Mako and several other people in the audience: MEEP!
Trinity: That's a nice trick.
Keymaker: Squeak! *runs*
Neo: Go get him, I'll take care of the French dudes.
Trinity and Morpheus: *chase after Keymaker*
Mer-man: Take care of us?! Your predecessors 'ad much more respect!
Neo: …..what? Hang on was that more foreshadowing? I keep telling people to cut it out with that!
Mer-man: You— *gestures to lackeys* Get 'im!
Lackeys: *pull out guns*
Neo: What, are you kidding? *holds up hand and stops a zillion bullets, then lets them drop* Dudes... that was kinda lame.
Mer-man: …Alright so you 'ave some skill.
Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mako: Why does everyone crack up at that part? I mean it's funny but it's not Smelrond funny…it's not TV-head funny either…
Mer-man: *to lackeys* Well what are you doing just standing zere?! I said get 'im!!
Mako: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, ROB DOUGAN!! *audience cheers again as Chateau plays and we go into yet another awesome fight scene*
Lackeys: *grab some random ancient Chinese weapons from the walls and begin attempting to hit Neo*
Neo: *flips around ducking and blocking and kicking and generally looking cool* Haha missed me! Missed me again! Oops too slow! Whoa close but no cigar! Mi—*sticks hand out and stops a big ax-thing by the blade, then kicks the guy who was swinging it into the wall*
Lackeys: *pause and watch with interest*
Neo: …Owwie.
Mer-man: You see 'e's just a man.
Neo: No duh… *flips up onto the balcony thing before lackeys can attack again, putting his arms down with a swooshing noise and posing* But the difference is I'm way cooler than one would think humanly possible.
Lackeys: Le rah!! *chase after him*
Neo: *magically levitates some dagger things off the walls and they fly into his hands* Betcha didn't know I could do that, eh? *starts fighting the nearest lackey with many shingy shing cling shing noises*
Mako and Audience: *dance in seats* w00000000000000t!
Neo: *shoves a lackey off the balcony, kicks another into a wall and knocks a statue on top of a third* Come on guys, that the best you got??
Female lackey: Heeyah! *brandishes sword*
Neo: You bother me. *pins her sleeves to the wall with a dagger thing and a shield and jumps down the stairs, pursued by several lackeys* Just how many of you guys are there?!
Lackeys: *chase*
Neo: Boooring! *does a sideways cartwheel back onto the stairs, kicks a lackey off, flips up to the balcony and stabs another lackey with a plastic cocktail sword*
Lackey: L'aiee! *falls off*
Female Lackey: *extricates self from shield sticking her to the wall, picks up a giant heavy-looking thing with a pineapple on the end and swings it at Neo, missing by a mile and knocking out some other lackey dude*
Neo: Losers. *jumps off balcony, followed by unspecified number of remaining lackeys*
Female Lackey: *continues to swing pineapple stick at Neo, hitting everyone but him and eventually knocking herself out* …l'oops….*thud*
Neo: Wow, that was lame.
Mer-man: *fumes* You stupid cocky boy!
Neo: Boy? How old do you think I am?!
Mer-man: Your predecessors 'ad much more respect! Zey were not like you!
Neo: You said this already… wait a second… that's FORESHADOWING, that is!!
Mer-man: Too right, and you shall be faced wiss more of it, mark my words! Zis is not over! *hops through door*
Neo: Grrr…. Oh crap door! *chases after him but just misses the door, opening it again to find not the kitchen that was previously there but the outside of the chateau in the middle of some mountain range that we shall call the French Alps (cuz hey, who knows, it might be)* Whoa!! What the monkeys?!
SOME RANDOM HALLWAY IN LE CHATEAU:
Keymaker: *runs*
Morpheus and Trinity: *chase*
Twin One: *phases through floor after the Keymaker and Trinity run by*
Morpheus: Ack! *grabs a random sword and swings it at ghostified Twin One, which does absolutely nothing* ….Ack!! *runs to catch up with Trinity and Keymaker*
Keymaker: *pulls out a key and unlocks a door*
Trinity: What are you doing?
Keymaker: *squeak* Another way. Always another way. *is cute*
Trinity: …okay.
Keymaker: *opens door and runs through, followed by Trinity and Morpheus* Squeak! Close it, quick!
Twin One: *un-ghostifies and runs at the door*
Morpheus: *slams door on Twin One's arm* Dangit!
Trinity: *whips out gun*
Keymaker: SQUEAK!! You can't do that!!
Trinity: What?
Keymaker: That's VIOLENT! *squeaks* You'll have the director to answer to!
Trinity: Are you SERIOUS?! We can't use guns?! THIS IS THE MATRIX!
Morpheus: I can't believe we haven't had this problem yet.
Keymaker: *squeaks* Kung-fu him!!
Trinity: But.. that's violent too…
Keymaker: Meh, it's different. Squeak.
Twin One: *funny British accent muffled through door* COULD WE MOVE ALONG?!
Morpheus: *opens door slightly and slams it on Twin One's arm again*
Twin One: Ow!! Bloody—
Twin Two: *ghostifies and flies through door, doing a somersault and solidifying on the other side*
Twin One: *through door* IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!
Twin Two: Oh, shut up, you stupid git. It's always what's convenient for YOU, isn't it! Just because you happened to be named "One!" Little sod.
Trinity, Morpheus and Keymaker: ….
Twin One: *still muffled through door* You prat! You've just used every British insult the director knows in three bloody sentences!
Twin Two: And you'd bloody well get more if I had any!
Keymaker: *taps Trinity and sneaks off to a parked car, as they are in a parking garage*
Twin One: Look, quit fannying around and sock the stupid—
Twin Two: …bugger.
Twin One: What? …*finds no resistance and opens door* You let them get away?!
*A loud VROOM followed by a long screech indicates that the trio has made their escape and also that Trinity is driving*
Twin Two: …oh, go get stuffed.
OWARI!
Director's note: Mwhehehehehee… Wow, the Twins ARE fun to write! *snicker* I know that wasn't much of an ending but I had to stop right before the car chase… cuz believe me, that'll be quite enough for a chapter on its own. But the completion of Le Chateau means that I have now reached the HALF-WAY POINT! w0000000t! Let me explain what this means again, in case I was unclear before. I'll make another story with a different name (but it'll still have Dude Where's My Spoon so you'll find it) and post everything that I've written so far in chronological order as one chapter under that one. It reads much better that way, trust me. After that, new scenes will be posted as they're written in this story right here, but when I do finally finish the whole thing the second half will be posted as chapter two of the other story. That make a bit more sense? And I've just realized I'm missing a Zion scene where Niobe and Soren volunteer to go find the Neb. Crap. Well expect that one next, and THEN I'll do the chronological one. 0.o; Till next time,
~The notoriously unorganized Mako