Dude, Where's My Spoon? SIDE-DISH!
This chapter is dedicated to Rei-chan and Hobbit-Eyes in sincere thanks for all your support. I LOVE YOU GUYS! *glomp*
And now, without further ado I give you a Dude, Where's My Spoon Original Side-dish:
And Now For Something Completely Different: The Crossover that Wasn't!
Backstory: Remember that message left on the Neb before Neo went off to see the Oracle, by someone named "A.U."? Well after the car chase (which I am aware that I haven't posted yet, I'm workin' on it I'm workin' on it!) Neo and company set off to meet with this mysterious messenger. …and here we go.
PART ONE
THE MATRIX:
Neo, Trinity and Morpheus, after being plugged in and supplied with an old car by their ever-so-helpful operator, found themselves standing by an excessively random payphone on a dirt road in the middle of a pristine countryside. It was a warm but overcast day in modern Matrix New Zealand. They were completely surrounded by rolling green fields, distant, towering, blue snow-capped mountains, and—
"COWS!!!"
Morpheus jumped. Trinity groaned and smacked her forehead with a gloved hand.
"What's he—" Morpheus' inquiry was abruptly cut off as Neo flew by at lightning speed, zipping over a field of startled ruminates with a slightly disturbing squeal. "COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWS! REAL— err.. FAKE COWS!!!!!! HOORAAAAAAAAY!"
"THERE ARE NO COWS, NEO!" screamed Trinity, but he was already too far gone.
"THIS ONE'S BESSIE, AND THIS ONE'S BUTTERMILK, AND THIS ONE'S PEACHES N' CREAM—"
"Ye gods, what's wrong with him?!" screeched a disturbed Morpheus.
"He thinks he was Amish in another life or something…" Trinity muttered.
"—AND THIS ONE'S OREO, AND THIS ONE'S NELLIE, AND THIS ONE'S MARY SUE—"
"We have to get him out of here before he starts singing Rent!" yelled Trinity.
"What?!"
"—AND THIS ONE'S—" a gasp, "—EEEEELSIIIIIEEE!"
Trinity hit the ground with an anime-style thud. Morpheus looked perplexed and terrified. Neo gazed pitifully at the frightened cow while hovering in front of it, and then began, quietly…
"Last night I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called… Cyberland."
"Waaaiiit…" Morpheus thought this sounded oddly familiar.
"My canteen had sprung a leak and I was…thirsty. OUT OF THE ABYSS walked a cow. Elsie. I asked her if she had anything to drink. She said, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M FORBIDDEN TO PRODUCE…milk." His feet touched the ground.
"NOW!"
"In CYBERLAAAAAAND WE ONLY DRINK…diet co-oooaaack!" Trinity collided with Neo at an incredible speed, propelling him face-first into the grass and pinning him there as Morpheus came up from behind, grabbing Neo's ankles and dragging them towards the car.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" squealed Neo, clawing at the ground. "MOOOOOO! EEEEEEELSIIIIEEEE! Heeeeeeey you're going to get grass stains on my cassock!! MOOOOO!!"
Several minutes later Neo was buckled into the passenger seat of the car, which took off with a screech that is quite difficult to accomplish on a dirt road. In the field, the wide-eyed Elsie blinked and gave a mournful "mooouuueooo."
***
After an hour's drive Neo had calmed down considerably, when the car arrived on a little main street in the suburbs. Parking in front of the designated location, a small coffee house, the trio stepped out of the car. As they took in their surroundings, a tiny kiwi bird bearing a mop of messy dark hair and a pair of enormous black-rimmed glasses went scuttling past their feet at some speed, towing a small collection of what appeared to be MTV awards. There was a long pause as the trio stared at the spot where the bird had just been, all waiting for someone else to comment. Finally, Trinity shook her head. "Should we go inside, then?" There were general murmurs of agreement from her companions, and the super-cool trio made an about face and proceeded under the forest green awning behind them, into a crowded, dimly lit Starbucks.
"They really do have these everywhere," muttered Morpheus.
"Uh… what are we looking for, exactly?" asked Neo.
"Probably someone from an alternate universe," said Trinity.
"With our luck, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised," said Morpheus.
"Wha?" said the ever-articulate Neo.
"You know, A.U.… Alternate Universe…" Trinity explained.
Neo looked puzzled for a minute, then "…oooooooh! You're smart."
Trinity smiled slightly but looked more concerned. "Did you take Ted pills this morning or something?"
"…What?"
"Never mind."
Morpheus looked around the crowded room. "Well, I don't see—"
"Excuse me, are you from the Nebuchadnezzar?"
The super-cool trio spun around to find themselves face to face with a tall, dark haired woman with suspiciously pointy ears and a warm smile. She was wearing sunglasses, high-heeled boots and a midnight blue skirt suit with a high, pointed collar and all-over slightly whimsical design.
"Er, yes," said Morpheus, carefully. "Are you A.U.?"
The woman's smile broadened and she nodded, shaking each of their hands in turn. "Arwen Undómiel. I'm very pleased to meet you."
"You wanted to speak to us…" Morpheus began.
"Ah, yes," said Arwen. "I asked you here because I believe we can help each other. You see, it's about my father."
"Your… father?" said Trinity.
"Yes," Arwen replied, "but it's a very long story… why don't we have a seat."
"In the back," said Morpheus promptly.
"If you say so," replied Arwen. She then turned and called to a man at the counter who was chatting amiably with a dazed clerk while counting out large silver-white coins. He had slightly long, greasy hair, a considerable amount of "manly" stubble, and was wearing a large paper Burger King crown on his head. "Sweetie, we're moving!" said Arwen, gesturing to a conveniently empty table in a shadowy corner. The man flashed her a grin and slapped the stunned clerk on the back, picking up an enormous crate of frappuccinos with some difficulty and heading their way.
When he reached the table he dropped the crate in the center with a thud that made Neo jump and wiped his forehead with his sleeve before enthusiastically shaking hands with the super-cool trio. "Hello! I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, also known as Elessar, Estel, Elfstone, Strider, Wingfoot, Longshanks, The Dunadan, Tho—"
"I think that's enough, dear," said Arwen pleasantly.
"Right you are," replied Aragorn, looking completely unfazed as he took his seat.
"…" said the super-cool trio.
Arwen, who had inconspicuously finished off two frappuccinos in the time it took her husband to introduce himself, cleared her throat importantly. "We should get to business, then."
"…Yes," said Morpheus.
"My father," the Elf Queen began, with all due drama, "is not what one would call…mentally stable."
"The guy's a screwball," interjected Aragorn helpfully.
Wisely ignoring the interruption, Arwen continued, "A number of years ago he took to running off, without his medication. He would turn up later in other worlds, usually arrested for misuse of magic, and would be sent home. But this time I'm afraid he's been missing for quite a long time, and he's needed on the set."
"The set?" repeated Trinity questioningly.
"Yes, we're to film the wedding today. It's no surprise he didn't show up. He and Estel haven't been on the best of terms this past Age."
"Hates me," said Aragorn cheerfully, taking a frappuccino for himself. "I think he's developed a thing against all Men since he went off his rocker."
"…why?" said Morpheus.
"Humans, he means," replied Arwen. "My father is half-Elven and tends to forget what his other half is."
"Nutter," said Aragorn.
"What does this have to do with us?" asked Neo, acting uncharacteristically in-character.
"We believe that the world he escaped to is this one," said Arwen.
"The Matrix?" Trinity asked.
"Possibly more than that. If I am correct, he has been here for some time, acting as part of this world. He left for almost four years to film the first two Lord of the Rings movies with us, but when he returned this world perceived his absence as lasting only six months."
"A glitch in the Matrix?" asked Morpheus ponderously. "Why didn't we pick up on it?"
"…no," said Arwen, taking a pull on the straw of her sixth frappuccino, "it was the time between sequels."
"Whoever he is now," said Aragorn, "he's got crazy possessed eyebrows,—" he demonstrated, holding his index fingers to his forehead, pointing so far down as to be nearly vertical, "a hair line like this,—" he drew an imaginary line with a slight widow's peak receding abnormally far back onto his scalp on either side, "a sort of Australian accent he always tries to hide, and when he gets mad he twitches like this—"
"And I must be honest," interjected Arwen as Aragorn demonstrated a number of facial tics, looking extremely amused, "he does seem to have an unfairly negative opinion of humans. It's his mind going, really. He's still part mortal, something had to give after so many thousands of years."
"Did I mention he's completely insane?" asked Aragorn, looking pleased with himself.
Trinity and Morpheus gaped, expressing wordless disbelief. Neo looked in deep thought for a moment, before replying "Doesn't ring a bell…" Trinity and Morpheus fell from their chairs, the anime onomatopoeia "THUD!" lingering in the air for several seconds before they sprang back to their seats.
"Your father is AGENT SMITH?!" shouted Morpheus.
"…WHAT?!" said Neo, several seconds later.
"I hope he hasn't caused you any trouble," said Arwen. "He's quite harmless, provided he takes his dried frog pills."
"Dried...fro…" Morpheus muttered.
"Oh, no trouble at all!" said Trinity, "He only KILLED NEO!"
There was a pause.
"…I got better," Neo said.
"So lemme get this straight," said Morpheus, massaging his head. "Agent Smith is a.. a…"
"Psychotic Elf?!" finished Neo, looking like the idea was more amusing than disturbing.
"Half-Elf," said Arwen.
"If you remind him of that he gets reeeaaally annoyed," said Aragorn, grinning.
"His name is Elrond, actually," said Arwen. "He is the wise and powerful Lord of Rivendell…or he was anyway."
"Dude," said Neo. Trinity cleared her throat pointedly. "Sorry," he responded automatically. Aragorn smirked.
"Would you go get some more frappuccinos, dear?" asked Arwen, and the trio looked at the crate, realizing that it had been rather suddenly emptied of its twenty or so frozen coffee drinks. Aragorn, apparently seeing nothing out of the ordinary about this, whistled a triumphant sounding Howard Shore tune as he took up the empty crate and approached the counter.
Morpheus couldn't help but notice Mako's tendency to write people like old married couples. Then again, while these two looked to be perhaps in their thirties, you could never be sure. The thing about the frog pills was still bothering him a bit.
"Wait a second…" said Trinity, looking as if she had finally pinpointed something that had been bothering her for a long time, "that's IT!" She stood up abruptly, slamming both hands on the table. "AGENT SMITH! ELROND! AGENT SMELROND! THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING!!"
Trinity suddenly noticed that the coffee house had become very quiet, aside from the clinking of the odd spoon falling onto a saucer. Seconds later from the counter came the sound of Aragorn bursting into a hysterical fit of laughter, leaning on the frightened cashier as he gasped "Smelrond! That's better than Elrondo!" Looking unabashed at the stares of the coffeehouse attendees, Trinity sat down quietly and the other customers gradually turned back in their seats and resumed their conversations.
"Um, what?" said Neo, as soon as the sound level had again reached a dull roar.
Trinity had her head in her hands. "You'll just magically forget I said anything if I tell you."
"Uh… 'kay."
"Soooo…" said Morpheus, looking for a change of subject, "what are we, uh, going to do about this, then? About… Smelrond, or whoever he is."
"I was rather hoping you would know where I could find him," said Arwen.
"Try, like, everywhere," said Neo.
"Pardon?"
"He's got a new trick," explained Neo sadly. "Turns everybody into him."
"Eh?" said Aragorn, appearing once again and setting a fresh crate of frappuccinos on the table.
"He clones himself over people in the Matrix, or something. Then he goes around saying 'everybody's me' like it's the funniest thing in the world."
"It is," said Mako.
There was a pause.
"Did you hear…" began Morpheus. Trinity just shook her head.
Arwen appeared deep in thought. "That might be it, then…"
"Be what?" said Neo.
"We were almost certain we detected his presence in your… well, I shouldn't mention that."
"Nope," said Aragorn unconcernedly, slurping up the bottom of a frappuccino through his straw.
Neo moaned pitifully, his forehead hitting the table. There came the muffled whine, "foreshadowing…"
"Terribly sorry, but it's not our place to tinker with the important bits of your plot continuum."
"Define important," said Trinity.
"Sorry, I can't say more about it. But I do think we may be able to find my father, if you'll help us. It might be a help to you too."
"What's your plan?" asked Morpheus.
A hitherto unseen mischievous smile crossed the Elf's face. "We set a trap."
Aragorn cheered.
***
Half an hour later, by the magic of Matrix travel, the super-cool trio plus Arwen and Aragorn arrived in Chinatown. People swarmed about them but the crowd seemed to magically part in front of them, so that they could easily go wherever they wanted without waiting for a lull in the traffic. Unfortunately, as they were relying on Neo for directions, where they wanted to go was not immediately clear.
"I know it's around here somewhere! It was near that random French restaurant."
"Just out of curiosity, what was it called?" asked Trinity.
"The teahouse?"
"No, the French restaurant."
"Um… Le Vrai, I think."
"Figures."
"Why do we need this guy, anyway?" asked Morpheus.
"Cuz he's got the key!" said Neo.
"The key to what?"
"The weird hallway thingy."
"Couldn't we just get it from the Keymaker?"
A pause.
"…forgot we had him."
"Actually, Niobe does, while we're here."
"Ah well, let's just stick to plan A then."
"Whose bright idea was it to let YOU come up with plan A?"
"Mako's. She likes Seraph."
Morpheus rolled his eyes, reached into the nowhere pocket, extracted the random Magical Phonebook, and began flipping through it, while Aragorn stopped at a vendor's table to look at a demonic glowing red bobble-head doll of George Dubya Bush in a monkey suit.
"Colin Chou, was it? He's not in here…"
"Try Ngai Sing," said Mako.
Another pause.
"Just do it…" said Trinity.
"Ah, here he is. The Teahouse, 000 Chao Xian St. …000?"
"It's like the teahouse that no one can find unless they know where it is!" said Mako.
Arwen and Aragorn groaned, having heard quite enough of this from a friend of theirs. "CUT THAT OUT!" said Trinity, who was growing tired of being the only one not confused by the random outbursts.
"Fine, fine…"
Aragorn tapped a random passerby on the shoulder. "S'cuse me, could you direct us to…Chow Shan Street?"
The author cringed. Arwen's hand appeared out of nowhere and shoved Aragorn's head down and out of the way as she stepped forward, smiling apologetically at the confused man. Using an Elf's natural aptitude for languages, she quickly received directions and bowed in thanks as the stranger went about his business. The fantasmical five, as the author decided to call them because she was bored, found Chao Xian Street without any problem, however locating the teahouse proved more difficult.
"What you need," said Mako, grinning although no one could see her, "is a compass that doesn't point North."
"Shut up," said Trinity.
"Wait… I GOT IT!" Neo exclaimed, the light bulb practically visible above his head. "Here, everybody face this way and pretend like you're lost, 'kay?"
"We are lost…" said Morpheus.
"Oh, I know it is here some where!" Neo loudly announced to the world at large. It's perfectly acceptable for friends to make fun of his acting, just not people who actually don't like him. "Where thee monkeys could it be-ee? Oh what ever shall I do?"
"…" said the other four.
"I am sure I made thee correct turn, which is left," he continued. "But now I am not at thee place, which is thee Teahouse." He lowered his voice and, thankfully, spoke like a normal human being, "Now…when I say go, turn around, kay? Ready? Go!"
The other four, exchanging glances that clearly said "Is he always like this?" and "Yep, pretty much, just play along," did as Neo said and were surprised to find that when they were again facing the other side of the street there was a building that had previously not been there. The sign above the door read "The Teahouse, 000 Chao Xian St."
"How…" began Morpheus.
"Easy," replied Neo, beaming, "there is no teahouse!" The company proceeded through the door, Neo leading the way. "Coulda fooled me," muttered Aragorn, the last to enter.
TO BE CONCLUDED (doncha hate that?)
Stuff I KNOW you didn't get:
1. The cows. Okay, it's a long complicated inside joke…but I'll explain. My friends and I find the word cheese immensely funny. The history behind this is largely forgotten and too long to go into now. In any case, in our great and undying love for our little bald philosopher friend the Spoon Kid, we somehow ended up saying "there is no cheese" and in some hypothetical imagination universe this caused Neo to become very upset and say WHY is there no cheese? To which Spoon Kid replied because there is no cow. And Neo positively flipped out at this because he likes cows and believes he was Amish in another life (well, in his last life he was Ted from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but before that.) In the real world he has a cow plushie named Bessie. No one knows where she came from or how she came to be although it is rumored that Trinity had something to do with it. It is also rumored that Bessie is made of beans. To explain would take a very long time and go into the discussion of how I, Mako, introduced to the dancing masses of Zion the wonders of soy, which they now use to make all their food (besides gloop,) their TVs, much of their clothing, and unfortunately their strange tribal drum thingies. Neo doesn't like everything being made of beans, but I need only to remind him that before there was soy, there were rocks. This is also why our nickname for Mouse is Soy Cheese, but I think we've gotten off-topic enough here. And if you don't know Rent……...I don't feel like explaining.
2.The Kiwi Bird. Was Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies. As to why he's a kiwi…. Long story. And if you haven't seen the MTV Movie Awards this year…well you better hurry up and see them before my Architect chapter comes out. Dear kami-sama that was funny…
3. Dried Frog Pills. A reference to Discworld, the wonderful books by Terry Pratchett. Dried frog pills are what crazy people take, though what they actually do to improve one's condition is unclear. Morpheus was upset by this because in our strange world Morpheus has a frog fetish similar to Neo's love of cows. This makes only slightly less sense than the latter, for it was the demented brainchild of a late-night Matrix viewing with Rei-chan and many frappuccinos (we'll get to that next.) I said how does Switch die her hair on the Neb? Where does she get the peroxide?? And Rei said well how does Morpheus shave his head? And (keep in mind this was very late at night) I thought for a minute before saying …with frogs…? The rest is history.
4. Arwen and the Frappuccinos. It's another one of those things that just is… and unlike Neo and Morpheus there's really no story behind it. Arwen's just addicted to frappucinnos, (can you blame her?) and there's not much more to say. Well, except that there is now a Starbucks of Gondor. Or fifteen.
EXPECT PART TWO…..uh…. WHEN I GET AROUND TO IT!
Till next time, this is your Redirector, signing off!
~Mako