"The Not-So-Secret Agents"
"Sit down," repeated Agent R. He placed his hands on the back of the chair as Agents Gammon and Barsby remained standing on either side of him.
Kevin sighed. He knew there was no way out of it. It was pointless to try and fight the agents, and the only exit was locked. Kevin slowly walked toward the chair.
"I guess Dad was right," muttered Kevin. "You just can't trust government agents."
"It's our job not to be trusted," said Barsby. "Especially with so much at stake."
Kevin sat down in the chair wondering how much information the agents knew. He concentrated on the floor as Agent R talked.
"Now then," he began. He slowly began walking around Kevin. "To begin, let me start off by saying that you are a very gifted individual."
Kevin heard a sound in front of him. He looked up and saw Agent Darkest Moon quietly enter the room. She closed the door behind her and locked it. Kevin wondered how she had locked the door from the outside when the door's only lock was inside. (He later learned about an electronic mechanism the agents used that triggered the locking mechanism of most doors.) As D.M. walked over to Barsby, Agent R continued.
"From what little we know about you, Kevin, you look like the kind of person who is extremely observant about your surroundings."
"Go ahead and grill me," said Kevin stubbornly. "I won't talk."
"Really, Kevin," uttered Agent R with surprise. "I'd think a kid like you would be too smart to use that line. You're far too gifted."
"Yeah, I bet I'd make a great secret agent one day," said Kevin, sarcastically.
"I'm sure you would," smiled Agent R. "But as for right now, we are in the midst of a matter of national security, so it would be really helpful if you'd cooperate with us and answer some of our questions. Gammon?"
Agent Gammon walked in front of Kevin and reached for the lamp.
"What were those two dogs doing last night?" Agent Gammon asked threateningly, shining the light in Kevin's face.
"Gammon, get a hold of yourself, you freak," Agent R said, grabbing Gammon by the collar and jerking him away.
"Sorry," Gammon said, looking at the floor.
"I think I'll ask the first question," said Barsby. Kevin looked up at Barsby as the agent asked, "How long have you known?"
"Known what?" asked Kevin.
"Don't play dumb with us," threatened Agent R. "We know all about the ghost and Mr. Furry."
Kevin's eyes widened with astonishment.
"Surprised?" asked Agent R. "You think we've been here on a vacation this whole time? We've been watching you, Kevin. All of you. Our assignment is to investigate what's going on in the town of Nowhere and…"
"What goes on in Nowhere is none of your business," Kevin interrupted angrily. "Besides, we're tourists. We know no more about the town than you do."
"Tourists, hmm?" replied Agent R, a smile spreading on his face. "It might interest you to know that we just went to the travel agency a while ago, and it doesn't look good for your family right now."
Kevin gulped quietly as he listened to Agent R explain every detail about his family's eviction. "I admit, getting kicked out of your own apartment must be devastating…especially with everything going on in your life right now…and Katie's too."
"K-Katie?" whispered Kevin.
Agent R sighed. "It's true. You never were around for her when she needed you. You were too busy with that dog of yours, what was her name? Ah, yes, Sandy. So who did Katie turn to instead? Why, Mr. Furry, of course. But what's this?" Agent R said with mock surprise. "It's seems a ghost has taken residence in the body of Mr. Furry! You don't want the ghost to stay there, do you Kevin? Because, if Barsby and I heard correctly, it's 'a bad ghost', am I right?"
By this point, Kevin was thoroughly enraged. The fact that the agents outnumbered him was all that kept him from lashing out at them. However, Kevin's rage weakened slightly when he caught sight of D.M. Even with glasses on, Kevin could see that she wasn't enjoying this interrogation either.
"Trust me," said Agent R. "This'll all be over soon if you simply tell us everything you know about this ghost."
For a moment, Kevin was relieved. At least the agents didn't know that he could talk to dogs. But Kevin was still hesitant.
"So, what are you gonna to do to my family once you've found out about this ghost? Are you gonna take us away to some facility and ask more questions?"
"No, but…"
"And what about Katie? You already know about her life, thanks to me." Kevin began hating himself for not realizing that the agents had been listening in on his talk with Katie. "Are you gonna experiment on her and the bear for levels of ectoplasm or whatever it is that tells you a ghost has been there?"
"Well, we might if you keep refusing to answer our questions!" snapped Agent R.
Kevin was taken aback for a moment, but then he narrowed his eyes. "You think you all can scare me into giving away anything? You and your 'Matrix' outfits and sunglasses and things like that? Well, that may work on some people, but not me! I'm not talking!"
Agent R crouched down to eye level with Kevin. Kevin could see his reflection in the agent's sunglasses. Agent R didn't smile when he said, "Well, Kevin, we have other ways of making you talk."
Someone coughed at that moment. Everyone turned and saw D.M. motioning to her partners to talk to her for a moment.
"Stay there," said Agent R to Kevin. "The door's locked anyway." With that, Agents R, Barsby, and Gammon walked over to D.M.
"What is it, D.M.? We're in the middle of an interrogation," whispered Agent R.
"This is getting us nowhere," said D.M. She sounded very annoyed.
"What do you mean?" asked Gammon.
"What do I mean?" repeated D.M. "We've been interrogating Kevin for five minutes now, and if he was really in the depressed state you said he was in, Agent R, we would know everything about the ghost by now."
"I underestimated him," argued Agent R. "He's a lot more stubborn than I thought."
"Well, we don't have much time to talk it out of him," said D.M.
"She's right," interrupted Barsby. "Everyone downstairs is going to search for Kevin if we keep him up here too long."
"Oh, so what are we gonna do? Torture him ourselves?" whispered Gammon harshly.
"That won't be necessary," said Agent R. "Look at him." The agents quickly glanced at Kevin, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "He's in bad shape, but still fighting. I don't think he could take much more abuse."
The other agents looked at him oddly.
"Besides," continued Agent R. "We left all our torture devices back in Washington."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot," mumbled the other agents.
"So, what now?" asked Gammon, who looked at Agent R. "Do we keep interrogating him?"
Before Agent R could answer, D.M. spoke up again. "I have an idea," said D.M.
"Really? What is it?" asked Agent R. He seemed caught off-guard by D.M. coming up with a plan before he did.
"It seems to me that Kevin is not going to talk as long as he thinks we're the enemy. So…" she paused for a moment. "Why don't we stop acting like secret agents and start treating Kevin like a friend?"
"What?" announced Gammon. "What kind of a plan is that?"
"D.M.," said Agent R, calmly. "That's very thoughtful, but it goes against standard procedures, and…"
"Jonathan," interrupted D.M. She sounded angry. "Ever since we stepped foot in this town, everything has been against standard procedures. We have made decisions that you won't find in any law book or government manual. Why bother doing things by the book anyway? It just slows everything down! I say, to heck with 'standard procedures' and let's start doing things our way!"
"But if we don't follow proper protocol," reminded Agent R. "We'll be kicked out of the business! We'll lose our jobs!"
"Let me ask you something," said D.M. She smiled slightly, as if she'd wanted to ask Agent R something for a long time. "Did you really want to be a secret agent?"
"D.M., don't bring this up now," argued Agent R.
"No, really, answer the question. Did you ever want to be a government agent? I want the truth."
Agent R paused for a moment and looked at each of his partners. He turned back to D.M.
"No, okay? I didn't want to be a secret agent."
"And why is that?" questioned D.M.
Agent R frowned. He couldn't tell them that their boss was his father. "Family business," was what he ended up saying.
"And you," said D.M., turning to Barsby. "Did you enjoy having to leave Britain and work here as a secret agent."
"I have nothing against America," said Barsby. "But if I wanted a job as a government official, I would've stayed in my own country. When I arrived here, I was searching for a new job involving forensics. I worked at a government building, so when I saw a line of people outside my office one day, I got in line too, thinking some new job opportunities were waiting for me at the other end. As it turned out, they were actually recruiting new secret agents for the U.S. government, and somehow I became one of them." Barsby took a breath. "So, you see, it's purely an accident that I'm even here."
"Well, at least some good came out of it," said Agent R. "At least you got to see the country for the first time."
"Yeah, and you got partnered up with us!" exclaimed Gammon with a grin.
"Lucky me," muttered Barsby, but a smile appeared on his face as he said it.
"And Gammon," spoke up D.M. "I've seen those sketches in your notebook. You have too much artistic talent to be in a job like this."
"Y'know, you're right," said Gammon. "I accidentally became an agent too, just like Barsby, except I was in Indianapolis and, to make a long story short, was at the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Yeah, it hasn't been real fun for me either," admitted D.M. "All the paperwork and anxieties you have to deal with, keeping your identity secret and all. That's just not for me."
No one said anything for a moment. Then Agent R spoke up again.
"So…we all agree that we hate our job?"
"Well, I kind of enjoyed it at first," admitted Gammon. "But I guess I just wasn't prepared for the pressures that I had to face. This job is a lot tougher than it is in the movies." All the other agents agreed.
"Maybe," said Agent R. "Maybe when we go back to D.C., we should go look for another job on the other side of the country. Maybe join the Witness Protection Program or something."
"Yeah," said Barsby. "I admit it, I'm curious as to what the Pacific Ocean looks like."
"I wouldn't want to go to L.A.," said D.M. "Too much air pollution."
"How about San Francisco? Or Seattle?" offered Gammon.
"No, no! I got it! Las Vegas," said Agent R. His partners really liked that idea. They began naming famous hotels and landmarks they would like to visit or work at.
"Okay, let's take that into consideration once we get back to Washington, okay?" Agent R held out his hand, palm down. One by one the other agents put their hand over their partner's hand, like a sports team.
"To Vegas!" said Agent R. And other agents repeated it as they moved their hands down and back up again.
"This is so cool," said Gammon.
"Yeah," said D.M. "This is probably the first time we've ever really, y'know, bonded like this before."
"Wait!" said Barsby suddenly amidst the celebration. "What about our boss? How are we gonna break the news to him?"
"Leave that to me," said Agent R. He sighed. Dad's not gonna like this, he thought to himself.
"So, can we get back to the interrogation?" asked D.M.
"Yeah," said Agent R. "The sooner we tell Kevin what we just admitted, the sooner he can start trusting us again. Then he can tell us who the ghost is."
The Agents turned around and saw Kevin slumped back in his chair, fast asleep.
"Maybe we shouldn't…" began D.M. But Agent R was already waking Kevin up.
"Zzzzz…mm…wha...I…I won't talk…" mumbled the half-awake Kevin.
"Don't worry, Kevin. We've come to a decision," said Agent R.
He knew what he was about to tell Kevin went against everything he had ever learned about his job, but Agent R remembered what D.M. had said: "To heck with standard procedures." And Agent R actually felt better about breaking free from the rules. For the first time in a long while, him and his partners ("friends", he thought to himself) were finally free to do whatever they wanted.
Feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off of him, Agent R continued. "I won't lie to you, Kevin. We've enjoyed this interrogation as much as you have, which isn't much, I'm sure. So, we're willing to let bygones be bygones, to use and outdated expression, and drop this whole interrogation right now."
"Really?" asked Kevin.
To prove his point, Agent R removed his glasses and put them in his pocket. The other agents followed his example. Much to Kevin's surprise, Agent R sat on the floor in front of him as the other agents stood by.
Agent R groaned. "My legs need a quick rest," he said. "I've been on my feet all day."
Kevin just sat still, wondering what the agent was up to. "To tell you the truth, Kevin, our job has really…not been to our liking. Sure, it has its advantages, but we were forced into this job by accident, against our will. If you tell us who this ghost is, we'll not only delete it from our report, we will actually let you decide what you want our boss to see in the final report. What do you say?"
Kevin was baffled. "You mean…you all want to quit your jobs after this assignment?" Agent R nodded. "And you'll all depend on me to make sure this place isn't investigated on anymore?"
"That's right. If you want us to, we will erase any knowledge of ever having met you or the Hendersons or anyone else."
If Agent R had kept his glasses on, Kevin wouldn't have believed a word he said. But Kevin took a good look at Agent R's eyes. Kevin could sometimes tell if a person was lying just by looking at their eyes. To Kevin's surprise, there was something calm and relaxing about Agent R's eyes, like he knew that he wasn't hiding anything. Kevin then looked at the other agents, who weren't wearing their glasses either. Even from a distance, Kevin could see expressions of honesty in each of their faces. Gammon was staring at Kevin with curiosity, as if he didn't mind either way what the outcome would be. Barsby looked sad, almost pleading with Kevin to come to a decision. D.M. was smiling slightly, almost flirtatiously. Kevin hated to hurt her feelings for some reason.
So, Kevin took a deep breath and said, "Okay. As long as you're leaving your jobs, sure, I'll tell you who this ghost is."
"Awright," Agent R got to his feet, as did Kevin. All agents immediately took off their black overcoats, revealing their Hawaiian shirts. The sight actually made Kevin laugh softly.
"I must admit," said Kevin. "This has been the weirdest interrogation I've ever had. I…um…wow, you guys really want to leave your jobs?"
"Being a secret agent is really not as fun as you might think, Kevin," said Agent R.
"The four of us just weren't born to have a job like this," said D.M. off to the side.
"Yeah," said Agent Barsby. "Besides, the coffee makers break down all the time."
"And the TVs in our offices don't get cable," added Gammon.
"Yeah, that could drive anyone to quit their jobs," joked Kevin. Before he got too carried away, however, Kevin turned to Agent R and got serious. "Now, you'd better not go back on your word, okay?"
Before he answered, Agent R reached into his overcoat lying on the ground and took out a government document. It was Agent R's official document of admission…the one document that proved that Agent R could work for the government. To the shock of everyone in the room, Agent R abruptly ripped the paper right down the middle. As the two halves of the now-worthless document fell to the ground, Agent R said to Kevin with a smile, "Looks like I don't have much of a choice now."