DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything but the emotional workout that follows.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All of the guys are awesome, especially Jai. I really hope you guys like this. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Sorry if I screwed up the characters too much. I bet if this were a screenplay the show wouldn't be close to an hour, but that's ok.
STATUS: One shot. I might consider doing a spin-off with some other male characters, though.
REVIEWS: Please! Even if you want to flame me because you've got something stupid against gay people, that's alright. I'll let you vent.
Five very gay men sat in a SUV with the license plate "FAB 5", discussing their next victim.
"So what's the sitch?" Ted, the Food and Wine guy, called from the back.
"The sitch." Jai, the Culture guy, repeated with a smile.
"Well, let's see." Carson, the Fashion guy, said as he examined the folder in his hands. "One Alexander Harris. Oooh, he's a construction worker."
"Rough and tough." Thom, the Interior Design guy, said from behind the driving wheel. He proceeded to give a dorky chuckle.
"Not too bad." Kyan, the Grooming guy, said as he looked at the pictures of Alexander Harris. "We've seen worse."
"Yeah." Jai laughed.
"He likes to be called Xander." Carson announced.
"What do we have for him?" Ted asked.
"Well, it looks like he's throwing a party for his friend, Buffy Summers."
"Ooooh…I smell a romance here." Kyan smiled as he handed the photos back.
"Doesn't say what kind. Hmmm…"
Thom parked the car and the Fab Five ran out onto the street and up to Xander's apartment.
"H-hello?" Xander squeaked as he opened the door, scared by all the cameras.
"'Scuse me." Carson pushed aside, as did the other three.
"Hi, Xander, right?" Thom shook his hand. "We're from the show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and we're here to help you throw that party for your girlfriend and get you cleaned up."
"My – my what?" He stuttered.
Meanwhile, Kyan was taking a peek at the bathroom. "What is going on here?" He said with mild disgust. He picked up a couple bottles of hair products, otherwise known as hair gel. "For a shiny mane that any ex-demon would love…" He read off. He looked at the camera.
"It's like a circus in here." Carson announced from his spot in the bedroom closet. "Look at this," He gestured for Jai to join him. "It's filled with tents…" He pulled a couple holey, dirt covered shirt out and dropped them, Jai laughing. "It's like he's never heard of a washing machine…"
"No, she's not my girlfriend. I-,"
"She will be when we get through with you." Thom interrupted.
"No, you don't understand. She's my friend. Not my best, that's Willow-,"
"Oooh, Willow. Cute name." Ted said while passing into the kitchen. "Secret drawer here…" He waggled his eyebrows and pulled out a drawer filled with bottles of holy water, stakes, cloves of garlic, you know. "What in god's name is this…"
Carson pulled out a shirt covered in green goo, and another in blood, and another with some purplish substance that still hadn't dried. "What do you think they're doing in that construction business?"
"Hey, guys, come here!" Kyan called. He was digging through a wall closet. "I found a stash in here…" All four were peeking over his shoulder, a couple of them covering their mouth and snickering.
"No, I'm serious, this might not be-," Xander stopped dead. "What are those?"
"I guess someone has a weird past time…" Ted winked at him.
"He's actually kinda cute, you know. I usually don't go for those blonde-haired blue-eyed guys." Carson aimed a picture at the camera. It was a very naked Spike taking a shower, parts of him blurred. "Aren't we supposed to be making over straight guys?"
"Oh, check out this one." Jai stuck another one in front of the camera. This one was of Spike, again, sleeping on his cot in the buff. And again with the blurring.
"Oh my god." Xander snatched them out of their hands. "How the hell-,"
"Eeew," Thom mumbled as he stepped into the bathroom. He pulled back the silver shower curtain and cringed at the sight of the shower. There was the same purplish substance that was on Xander's shirt gathered near the drain. It appeared to be moving. "Is that – did that just move?" He chuckled, but still held firmly to the curtain.
"What is this?" Ted asked himself as he touched some of the purplish stuff on the Fridge handle. "Do you think it's some kind of yogurt?"
Carson was back at throwing away clothes, this time starting on the pants. "I'm starting to believe this town has never heard of Laundromats. I mean, this is just bad." He pulled out some underwear, probably to be sure he had some, and threw them down and made a face.
Jai turned on the stereo and was surprised to hear Sarah McLachlin come from the speakers.
"I haven't listened to it in a while, I usually don't-," Xander tried to explain. Jai grabbed Thom and they began to slow dance dramatically.
"Do you listen to this when that All-American blonde guy is over here?"
"No, he's from England I think, and he's never-,"
"An import." Thom laughed.
Carson clapped his hands. "Well, I think we'll take Mr. Lucky here and head off to shop for new clothes." He took Xander's hand and led him out the door. Kyan followed. Xander looked around wildly.
"What are those three going to be doing when I'm gone?"
"Drooling over your stash of pictures." Carson answered.
*Commercial Break, end of chapter one*