Diablo II: Fun Stuff
In the western kingdoms
Rogue Encampment Disclaimer: Iown none of this.
The seven heroes and heroines are standing around the fire. Suddenly the Necromancer releases a poison nova and kills Gheed.
Necromancer: 'scuse me. Gheed turns green and falls over. Gheed: You've killed me! What did I ever do to you? Necromancer: You lost us 500,000 gold because of your damned gambling option. Gheed:....... Amazon: Loot his corpse! The heroes all run over to Gheed's body and start stealing rare items, unique items and set items. Paladin: I refuse to steal from the dead. Barbarian: Square.
Den of Evil
Paladin: So was anyone actually listening to Akara? Everyone: Nope. Suddenly a Fallen jumps out from behind a rock Fallen: Blaaaaa! Paladin: Eat that, unholy thing.(Pokes Fallen with his sword) Fallen: Waaaaah! Druid: That wasn't so hard. Necromancer: Think again. They all look the other way and see an army of Fallen, fifty strong. Fallen Army: BLAAAAAA! Heroes were slain by Fallen.
In the Cold Plains
Bishibosh: Bish- I- Bosh! Assassin: Look over there It's Wishywash! Bishibosh: You have insulted me! Fly, my pretties, fly! Some fallen with crappy plastic wings jump off rocks and try to fly. They all fall to their deaths, Barbarian: BRAAAH!!! Bishibosh: eep. Barbarian swings his axe and Bishibosh goes pop. Sorceress: Ewwww.
In the Burial Grounds
Blood Raven: Join my army of the dead! Necromancer: Absolutely no freakin' way! Blood Raven: Whuh? Amazon shoots a few fire arrows and kills blood raven Druid( up a tree) Help me! Assassin: You shouldn't have invested in that WereKitten skill.
In the Underground Passage
The heroes are fighting their way through the passage when the Paladin is poisoned. Paladin: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! Am I dead? Barbarian: Nah, that's just the dark wood.
In the Dark Wood
Skeleton archers: Ready...Aim.....FIRE! Sorceress was slain by Skeleton Archer Druid: DIE! He uses a fissure and the skeletons turn into a heap of bones. Inifuss Tree: Come to me. Paladin: That tree is the work of Satan! DIE! The Paladin runs over and hacks the Inifuss tree to pieces until a scroll pops out and hits him in the eye. Paladin: This is an act of the devil! Treehead Woodfist: I'm not a treehead or a woodfist. I'm a real boy! Necromancer: Oh shut up. Barbarian: BOO! Treehead Woodfist has a heart attack and dies. Amazon: That's a mighty loud voice you got there. Barbarian: THANK YOU. Everyone clutches their chest and falls over. Barbarian: OOPS.
In the stony field
Rakanishu:Rakanishu! Necromancer summons a Clay Golem but the golem crumbles after a few hits. Necromancer: Damn, I should have used more water! Druid: Let me at him! Fzzat! Druid: Why didn't anyone tell me he had a car battery?! Assassin uses fire blast and kills him. Sorceress:(Rubbing Cairn stone) Hey these are smoothe. Everyone else does the same Paladin: This lightning is an evil force!Die!(Swings sword at lightning bolt) Barbarian:This must be the Portal to Tristram. Everyone steps through
Finally we're in Tristram!
Griswold: I'm getting too old for this. Oh, my lumbago! (Falls over) Barbarian howls Goatmen: Mehhhh! Paladin: Conversion! Suddenly the Goatmen go off and drink from a river or graze happily. Assassin:(Shouting at Cain) How's old man? Cain: Quiet, young whippersnapper! Necromancer: Through Cain's portal! Portal closes Amazon: To the Stony Field! Portal closes Druid: To the river! Werefish! Druid turns into a fish and swims happily downstream. Barbarian: Well, I never!
The Forgotten Tower
Countess: Your blood will boil. Assassin: No it won't. Yours will. Wake of fire! Countess:Oh no, back to the blazing hells again. Necromancer: Treasure! Barbarian: It's mine! All mine! Amazon: Nuh uh! Barbarian: Yuh huh! Amazon: Nuh uh! And so forth
The Monastery
Paladin: Ha ha! With the Horadric Malus I shall smite the unholy! Until we get to the Rogue Encampment and I give it to Charsi. For I am a holy man! (Goes into a deep state of prayer) The Smith: Your soul shall... Oh forget it I resign. This job involves too much death! Barbarian: Sign here. Smith: What? Barbarian: Real Estate job.
The jail
Necromancer: So many corpses, so little time! Sorceress: This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. Barbarian:(Creeping up behind Sorceress) Boo! Sorceress: Aaaah! Ghosts:(This is what I think they sound like) NYEER! Paladin: I must smite the unholy! DIE! Zombies approach Amazon: Die you chalk faced goons! (Whacks zombies)
The Cathedral
Dark Shaman:(At altar) And brothas, this is a-why we must-a praise the lord- uh! Now let us say the Lord's Prayer! Paladin:(Kneeling) Praise Zakarum! Necromancer: Freak. Paladin: Mr Skellington here calling me a freak! Necromancer: That's it, you're going down! TEETH! Paladin: Thorns! All the Dark Ones suddenly die Amazon: Well waddaya know.
Catacombs Sorceress:Eek! A spider! Amazon: Wimp.(Steps on spider) Suddenly an army of Arachs appears Barbarian: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Druid: You know, my mother had a saying for times like this. It goes a little something like this. We are all gonna die. Necromancer:(to Paladin) Well, natural party leader, what's the plan? Paladin:Follow the Paladin shaped blur! Arachs turn out to be tiny spiders Arachs: squeak Barbarian: Well. Umm. Uhh. Amazon coughs loudly and it sounds a little like "Loser" Barbarian: Hey!
THE CATACOMBS level 4
Andariel: Die, maggot! Assassin: No way! And you take that maggot thing back! Barbarian: Hey, she's hot! (Tries to leap at her but accidentally uses leap attack) Awww, crap! Necromancer: Treasure! I call the gems! Paladin: I call nothing! I refuse to steal from the dead! Sorceress:I call uniques! Druid: I call sets! Barbarian: I call gold! Assassin&Amazon: We call .......Awww crap.
(An:) There! Act I finished! Review! Review! Review or the Dark Lord de Seis will rip out your heart and feed it to his pet fish! Mwuhahahahaha! Ahem. Sorry about that.
In the western kingdoms
Rogue Encampment Disclaimer: Iown none of this.
The seven heroes and heroines are standing around the fire. Suddenly the Necromancer releases a poison nova and kills Gheed.
Necromancer: 'scuse me. Gheed turns green and falls over. Gheed: You've killed me! What did I ever do to you? Necromancer: You lost us 500,000 gold because of your damned gambling option. Gheed:....... Amazon: Loot his corpse! The heroes all run over to Gheed's body and start stealing rare items, unique items and set items. Paladin: I refuse to steal from the dead. Barbarian: Square.
Den of Evil
Paladin: So was anyone actually listening to Akara? Everyone: Nope. Suddenly a Fallen jumps out from behind a rock Fallen: Blaaaaa! Paladin: Eat that, unholy thing.(Pokes Fallen with his sword) Fallen: Waaaaah! Druid: That wasn't so hard. Necromancer: Think again. They all look the other way and see an army of Fallen, fifty strong. Fallen Army: BLAAAAAA! Heroes were slain by Fallen.
In the Cold Plains
Bishibosh: Bish- I- Bosh! Assassin: Look over there It's Wishywash! Bishibosh: You have insulted me! Fly, my pretties, fly! Some fallen with crappy plastic wings jump off rocks and try to fly. They all fall to their deaths, Barbarian: BRAAAH!!! Bishibosh: eep. Barbarian swings his axe and Bishibosh goes pop. Sorceress: Ewwww.
In the Burial Grounds
Blood Raven: Join my army of the dead! Necromancer: Absolutely no freakin' way! Blood Raven: Whuh? Amazon shoots a few fire arrows and kills blood raven Druid( up a tree) Help me! Assassin: You shouldn't have invested in that WereKitten skill.
In the Underground Passage
The heroes are fighting their way through the passage when the Paladin is poisoned. Paladin: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! Am I dead? Barbarian: Nah, that's just the dark wood.
In the Dark Wood
Skeleton archers: Ready...Aim.....FIRE! Sorceress was slain by Skeleton Archer Druid: DIE! He uses a fissure and the skeletons turn into a heap of bones. Inifuss Tree: Come to me. Paladin: That tree is the work of Satan! DIE! The Paladin runs over and hacks the Inifuss tree to pieces until a scroll pops out and hits him in the eye. Paladin: This is an act of the devil! Treehead Woodfist: I'm not a treehead or a woodfist. I'm a real boy! Necromancer: Oh shut up. Barbarian: BOO! Treehead Woodfist has a heart attack and dies. Amazon: That's a mighty loud voice you got there. Barbarian: THANK YOU. Everyone clutches their chest and falls over. Barbarian: OOPS.
In the stony field
Rakanishu:Rakanishu! Necromancer summons a Clay Golem but the golem crumbles after a few hits. Necromancer: Damn, I should have used more water! Druid: Let me at him! Fzzat! Druid: Why didn't anyone tell me he had a car battery?! Assassin uses fire blast and kills him. Sorceress:(Rubbing Cairn stone) Hey these are smoothe. Everyone else does the same Paladin: This lightning is an evil force!Die!(Swings sword at lightning bolt) Barbarian:This must be the Portal to Tristram. Everyone steps through
Finally we're in Tristram!
Griswold: I'm getting too old for this. Oh, my lumbago! (Falls over) Barbarian howls Goatmen: Mehhhh! Paladin: Conversion! Suddenly the Goatmen go off and drink from a river or graze happily. Assassin:(Shouting at Cain) How's old man? Cain: Quiet, young whippersnapper! Necromancer: Through Cain's portal! Portal closes Amazon: To the Stony Field! Portal closes Druid: To the river! Werefish! Druid turns into a fish and swims happily downstream. Barbarian: Well, I never!
The Forgotten Tower
Countess: Your blood will boil. Assassin: No it won't. Yours will. Wake of fire! Countess:Oh no, back to the blazing hells again. Necromancer: Treasure! Barbarian: It's mine! All mine! Amazon: Nuh uh! Barbarian: Yuh huh! Amazon: Nuh uh! And so forth
The Monastery
Paladin: Ha ha! With the Horadric Malus I shall smite the unholy! Until we get to the Rogue Encampment and I give it to Charsi. For I am a holy man! (Goes into a deep state of prayer) The Smith: Your soul shall... Oh forget it I resign. This job involves too much death! Barbarian: Sign here. Smith: What? Barbarian: Real Estate job.
The jail
Necromancer: So many corpses, so little time! Sorceress: This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. Barbarian:(Creeping up behind Sorceress) Boo! Sorceress: Aaaah! Ghosts:(This is what I think they sound like) NYEER! Paladin: I must smite the unholy! DIE! Zombies approach Amazon: Die you chalk faced goons! (Whacks zombies)
The Cathedral
Dark Shaman:(At altar) And brothas, this is a-why we must-a praise the lord- uh! Now let us say the Lord's Prayer! Paladin:(Kneeling) Praise Zakarum! Necromancer: Freak. Paladin: Mr Skellington here calling me a freak! Necromancer: That's it, you're going down! TEETH! Paladin: Thorns! All the Dark Ones suddenly die Amazon: Well waddaya know.
Catacombs Sorceress:Eek! A spider! Amazon: Wimp.(Steps on spider) Suddenly an army of Arachs appears Barbarian: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Druid: You know, my mother had a saying for times like this. It goes a little something like this. We are all gonna die. Necromancer:(to Paladin) Well, natural party leader, what's the plan? Paladin:Follow the Paladin shaped blur! Arachs turn out to be tiny spiders Arachs: squeak Barbarian: Well. Umm. Uhh. Amazon coughs loudly and it sounds a little like "Loser" Barbarian: Hey!
THE CATACOMBS level 4
Andariel: Die, maggot! Assassin: No way! And you take that maggot thing back! Barbarian: Hey, she's hot! (Tries to leap at her but accidentally uses leap attack) Awww, crap! Necromancer: Treasure! I call the gems! Paladin: I call nothing! I refuse to steal from the dead! Sorceress:I call uniques! Druid: I call sets! Barbarian: I call gold! Assassin&Amazon: We call .......Awww crap.
(An:) There! Act I finished! Review! Review! Review or the Dark Lord de Seis will rip out your heart and feed it to his pet fish! Mwuhahahahaha! Ahem. Sorry about that.