Mr Padfoot,
I fear Mr Moony has decided to write his feelings on paper and not trap them inside himself, for fear they'll come much closer to ripping him apart than those last twelve years of bitter regret.
And it was those years I had so much anger inside of me - though I could never bring myself to hate you (maybe that's a good thing now?) as every time my eyes fluttered shut, you were there, and I could still feel your arms around me. And every time I heard a dog growling playfully, there was always a feeling of hope.
But you never came back.
And it was always harder to breath. Do you blame me, Padfoot? For not visiting? For excepting lies so easily though it contradicted everything I had come to believe of you? To love about you. That, I except, is all my fault.
Still, life was difficult. Now how will it be? You're gone forever. I think I understand what makes it so hard to breath. I don't know. The loss? Betrayal? - Blatant realisation? All, I suppose. If not more.
So how can I be angry? Angry that you loved enough to die? Angry we lost so many years together? You lost your life, Sirius. Long before you died. And you lost me too. I never lost you. Perhaps knowing where you were, how close, but too far to reach from my own mind, was the torture.
You should hate me. Hate me for not believing in you. Hate me because you forgive people so easily. Forgave. There's nothing anyone can do to you now. Nothing we can do for you.
My destiny is to kill. Your was to be killed. I never believed you a killer, Sirius. So why did I except so easily? I knew you'd leave me one day - who'd be content with a werewolf? Perhaps letting you go was the easiest way.
But doesn't that sound so free you were trapped. Hated. Atleast I could breath. Not relive the sweet times we had, or atleast relive them, and never lose them.
You could do neither.
So what's there left to feel? Is there anything thing I still don't know? I've already experienced losing you before I ever really lost anything, and I've already experienced losing you before I ever really lost everything I had, and those feelings are not welcome. So many wasted years grieving for enemies when my best friend was still barely within my reach. Those years alone were confused with grief.
I was allowed to say goodbye one last time. So now would loving you still, while you are gone forever, as both Moony and as Remus, be another mistake? I know its less that you deserve, but all I can give. And I'll keep giving, because Padfoot came back again. After all that time.
Forever yours,
Moony