A/N-I don't own the original lyrics to "Der Fuehrer's Face", but I guess it
really doesn't matter anyway, because I rewrote them.
"Who the hell is on triage?" Trapper asked angrily. He was closing a very minor flesh wound. Hawkeye's case was slightly more serious. The soldier he was working on had been slashed in the face. "I don't know. I'm here, you're here, Calvin's here, and I think Ferret Face is here."
Captain Calvin Spaulding looked up from a leg wound. "You're not gonna believe this, but Colonel Hitler is." Hawk's head snapped up. "Excuse me? Why is HE on triage? The colonel's not a doctor!" Spaulding shrugged.
"Close for me," Hawkeye said to his nurse. "Yes, doctor."
Hawkeye went into the Scrub Room, got dressed, and went out to the compound. There was a single ambulance sitting by the Pre-Op. As Hawkeye neared, he heard somebody yelling. "Corporal O'Reilly! I'm your superior officer, meaning you don't talk back! Is your skull really THAT thick?"
Hawkeye grew angry. It was bad enough that Herring was a complete dunce when it came to triage (come to think of it, Hawkeye thought, he was a complete dunce at everything else too), but yelling at Radar? Hawk was as fond of the 19-year-old as everyone else in camp, and one thing he couldn't tolerate was Radar being screamed at.
He climbed into the back of the ambulance, where he saw Radar struggling not to cry. When a single tear slipped down his cheek, Herring snapped, "You're a member of the United States Army! No crying!" Hawk put a hand on Radar's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "All right, what the hell's going on here?"
The colonel looked Hawkeye right in the eye. "Tell your . . . your FRIEND here that I make the medical decisions. It's not up to him who gets treated and who doesn't, Captain!" Hawkeye grasped Radar's shoulder more tightly. "Look, there's a little thing called PRIORITY. In case you didn't know, priority means something to deal with right away. See this guy here?" he asked, motioning to a soldier with a slash across his chest. "His wound needs to be treated right away. The cases you've been sending us can wait."
Herring's eyes flashed with anger. "You'll treat whoever I send in, Captain Pierce. Also, stop defending Corporal O'Reilly. This is a man's army, and O'Reilly needs to learn a thing or two about manhood. Got it?"
He turned around and marched out without waiting for an answer. "Got it," muttered Hawkeye sarcastically. He turned back to Radar, who was holding his left cheek. "What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. Radar gulped nervously and said quietly, "He hit me."
Radar looked down at the floor. Hawkeye immediately took his hand away from his face, and was confronted with a rapidly growing bruise.
"That asshole!" Hawk exclaimed angrily. "Come on, Radar. I'll take you to OR. You're gonna need a lot of ice."
Hawkeye and Radar entered through Pre-Op, where Hawk scrubbed up again. When the two entered the operating room, Trapper looked up. "How'd it go, Hawk?" Hawkeye sighed with annoyance. "Damn Herring. He gives me some bullshit about how he makes the medical decisions. He also pops Radar in the jaw."
Trapper rolled his eyes. From the next table, Frank glared at Hawkeye. "I certainly hope you weren't back talking to the Colonel. He IS a superior officer, after all."
"Yeah, don't remind me," Hawkeye said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"You know, whenever I think about Herring, a particular song comes to mind," he said, beginning on the next patient. "I've been hanging around Radar too long. That same song comes to my mind too," replied Trapper. "Hey!" Radar shouted, holding an ice pack to his jaw. Ignoring him, Hawkeye and Trapper began to sing.
"When der Colonel says, 'I'm der master of this place', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! Not to hate Der Colonel is a great disgrace, so we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face!
"When Herr Herring says, 'I own der world und space', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in Herr Herring's face! When Herr Herring says to march around and pace, we SPIT! SPIT! Right in Herr Herring's face!"
Hawkeye took over the next part.
"Is he not a stupid man? A truly ugly, stupid man? Ja, he is a stupid man, a stupid, jackass man!"
Trap sang the next verse.
"Is this M*A*S*H unit not hell? Would you bomb it? We won't tell. Ja, this M*A*S*H unit is hell! If we could leave we'd run pell-mell!"
Captain Spaulding joined in.
"We bring the world disorder, Heil Herring's new disorder! Everyone of every race will stone der Colonel's face, when we bring to the world disorder!"
All three sang.
"When der Colonel says, 'I'm der master of this place', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! Not to hate Der Colonel is a great disgrace, so we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! So we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face!"
Frank glared again. "I protest this abuse against the Colonel!"
Hawkeye grinned beneath his mask. "We protest you protesting the abuse against the Colonel!"
"Who the hell is on triage?" Trapper asked angrily. He was closing a very minor flesh wound. Hawkeye's case was slightly more serious. The soldier he was working on had been slashed in the face. "I don't know. I'm here, you're here, Calvin's here, and I think Ferret Face is here."
Captain Calvin Spaulding looked up from a leg wound. "You're not gonna believe this, but Colonel Hitler is." Hawk's head snapped up. "Excuse me? Why is HE on triage? The colonel's not a doctor!" Spaulding shrugged.
"Close for me," Hawkeye said to his nurse. "Yes, doctor."
Hawkeye went into the Scrub Room, got dressed, and went out to the compound. There was a single ambulance sitting by the Pre-Op. As Hawkeye neared, he heard somebody yelling. "Corporal O'Reilly! I'm your superior officer, meaning you don't talk back! Is your skull really THAT thick?"
Hawkeye grew angry. It was bad enough that Herring was a complete dunce when it came to triage (come to think of it, Hawkeye thought, he was a complete dunce at everything else too), but yelling at Radar? Hawk was as fond of the 19-year-old as everyone else in camp, and one thing he couldn't tolerate was Radar being screamed at.
He climbed into the back of the ambulance, where he saw Radar struggling not to cry. When a single tear slipped down his cheek, Herring snapped, "You're a member of the United States Army! No crying!" Hawk put a hand on Radar's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "All right, what the hell's going on here?"
The colonel looked Hawkeye right in the eye. "Tell your . . . your FRIEND here that I make the medical decisions. It's not up to him who gets treated and who doesn't, Captain!" Hawkeye grasped Radar's shoulder more tightly. "Look, there's a little thing called PRIORITY. In case you didn't know, priority means something to deal with right away. See this guy here?" he asked, motioning to a soldier with a slash across his chest. "His wound needs to be treated right away. The cases you've been sending us can wait."
Herring's eyes flashed with anger. "You'll treat whoever I send in, Captain Pierce. Also, stop defending Corporal O'Reilly. This is a man's army, and O'Reilly needs to learn a thing or two about manhood. Got it?"
He turned around and marched out without waiting for an answer. "Got it," muttered Hawkeye sarcastically. He turned back to Radar, who was holding his left cheek. "What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. Radar gulped nervously and said quietly, "He hit me."
Radar looked down at the floor. Hawkeye immediately took his hand away from his face, and was confronted with a rapidly growing bruise.
"That asshole!" Hawk exclaimed angrily. "Come on, Radar. I'll take you to OR. You're gonna need a lot of ice."
Hawkeye and Radar entered through Pre-Op, where Hawk scrubbed up again. When the two entered the operating room, Trapper looked up. "How'd it go, Hawk?" Hawkeye sighed with annoyance. "Damn Herring. He gives me some bullshit about how he makes the medical decisions. He also pops Radar in the jaw."
Trapper rolled his eyes. From the next table, Frank glared at Hawkeye. "I certainly hope you weren't back talking to the Colonel. He IS a superior officer, after all."
"Yeah, don't remind me," Hawkeye said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"You know, whenever I think about Herring, a particular song comes to mind," he said, beginning on the next patient. "I've been hanging around Radar too long. That same song comes to my mind too," replied Trapper. "Hey!" Radar shouted, holding an ice pack to his jaw. Ignoring him, Hawkeye and Trapper began to sing.
"When der Colonel says, 'I'm der master of this place', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! Not to hate Der Colonel is a great disgrace, so we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face!
"When Herr Herring says, 'I own der world und space', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in Herr Herring's face! When Herr Herring says to march around and pace, we SPIT! SPIT! Right in Herr Herring's face!"
Hawkeye took over the next part.
"Is he not a stupid man? A truly ugly, stupid man? Ja, he is a stupid man, a stupid, jackass man!"
Trap sang the next verse.
"Is this M*A*S*H unit not hell? Would you bomb it? We won't tell. Ja, this M*A*S*H unit is hell! If we could leave we'd run pell-mell!"
Captain Spaulding joined in.
"We bring the world disorder, Heil Herring's new disorder! Everyone of every race will stone der Colonel's face, when we bring to the world disorder!"
All three sang.
"When der Colonel says, 'I'm der master of this place', we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! Not to hate Der Colonel is a great disgrace, so we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face! So we SPIT! SPIT! Right in der Colonel's face!"
Frank glared again. "I protest this abuse against the Colonel!"
Hawkeye grinned beneath his mask. "We protest you protesting the abuse against the Colonel!"