Title: My Life Again (sequel to 'Only Here')
Author: Zappy Zaps
Summary: Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse
than having to live his life again, he was wrong.
Category: Angst
Pairing: P, All
Disclaimer: The Voyager characters and Universe belongs to Paramount (ruler
of all things Star Trek).
Oct02
Chapter 2
Five years per month, that's how quickly Tom's 'brother' had been aging. In a year and a half he'd have been ninety. The doctor was working on that problem though. With some repeated genetic therapy, the genes that caused his rapid aging would be dormant.
It had been four days since the baby's arrival on Voyager and Tom was finding it hard to keep up with the child. There was so much that he had to read to know what to expect but it seemed like as soon as he had read a chapter, his brother had already gone past that stage.
Currently the baby was in a playpen that had been replicated. He was playing with the assorted toys that Tom had made him. He soon tired of his toys and started to wail.
"I'm coming Tommy," Tom said as he got up from his sofa. He picked up the child and he stopped crying immediately. "Always have to be the centre of attention, eh?" Tom said as the child smiled at him.
Tom had been taken off duty for the next week or more. A few days ago Tom had decided that the baby needed a name, something to respond to for now. Once he got back some of his memories he'd know his name was Tom but until then he'd be Tommy.
"So, little man, what do you say to a trip to the mess hall? I'm getting low on rations, you know, diapers and all that," Tom said and the child eyes followed his movements. Before Tom could gather the baby bag and head out the door his door chime rang and he called for the person to enter.
"Hi, Tom," Harry greeted as he walked in. Tom had his back to the door and only knew Harry had entered because he recognized he voice.
"Hey, Har." Tom moved a toy and looked for Tommy favourite one. "Rats! Were did you put it, Tommy?" Tom asked his little compatriot. "Your silence says more than words ever could."
"I always knew you were strange Paris." Tom turned and saw that B'Elanna had come in too.
"Torres, I didn't know you were here." Tom said this looking at Harry. Harry just shrugged.
"And how is Tommy?" B'Elanna asked. She held out her arms and Tom gave her the little person. "He's so cute," B'Elanna said as she tickled the baby. He laughed and cooed.
"Your motherly instincts are..well..scary," Tom said reaching the for Tommy but B'Elanna turned away.
"Where are you two off to?" B'Elanna asked Tommy in a sweet voice, one that Tom and Harry had never heard come from her. They briefly glanced at each other.
"We're going to the Mess Hall," Tom informed her. "Would you guys like to tag along?"
Harry took the baby bag off Tom's shoulder and put it on the couch. "I have a better idea," Harry said. "Let's eat here, my treat."
"You have enough rations?" Tom asked.
"Sure he does," B'Elanna started, "he hasn't been loosing them to you in pool at Sandrines since you've been so busy with Tommy."
And so the four of them ate in Tom's quarters. Tommy was trying to feed himself but more food was on the floor than in his mouth.
B'Elanna tried to get a spoonful of baby food into Tommy's mouth but Tommy's attention was elsewhere. "I can't get him to eat," B'Elanna said.
"Here," Tom took the spoon from her. He snapped his fingers near Tommy catching his attention. He then put the spoon in front of his mouth and he gladly ate the food before going back to banging his spoon on his high chair. "You have to get his attention first," Tom said.
Harry smiled as he noted how comfortable Tom was with the child. Tom had decided that he should take care of his twin brother rather than some stranger, especially if Tommy would have some of Tom's memories. The Doctor had already performed the procedure to remove as much of the engram precursors but some remained. The Doc estimated that he removed forty-five to fifty percent of the memories, still, only time would tell how successful the procedure was.
"I think he's had enough," Tom said as he wiped Tommy's face and hand. He picked up the infant. "You guys should see this!" Tom placed Tommy on the carpeted floor and then moved a few meters away from him. "Come on Tommy. Crawl to me!" Tom coaxed the baby who was in a seated position.
After a few seconds Tommy moved to get on all fours and started crawling towards Tom. Tom smiled and picked up his brother once he reached him. "Very good!" Tom praised the child.
"That's great," Harry said gently touching the child's head.
"He'll be walking soon too, I think. He can already stand by himself."
"Just how quickly is he growing?" B'Elanna asked.
"The Doc said he'd gotten it down to about four and a half years per month but it's still too fast." Tom sat down with Tommy in his lap and gave him one of his toys. He'd tire himself out soon and be ready to go to sleep all Tom had to do was wait. "You guys have plans for tonight?" Tom asked.
"Not really," B'Elanna sat next to Tom and observed Tommy as he played.
"I think I'll turn in early," Harry said. "There's a party in the holodeck tomorrow, are you going to go?"
"Probably not. I'd need to find a baby-sitter and if I remember correctly, my sisters said I didn't take very well to strangers," Tom said as he looked down at Tommy. Tommy was babbling, trying to form words and Tom wondered when he'd learn to talk.
A day later Tom got his answer. He had been playing with Tommy, and absently listening to Tommy's babbling when he heard what sounded like a real word. Tom stopped his motions and looked at Tommy who looked at him innocently. "What did you say?"
"Da.dada." Tommy smiled.
"You spoke!" Tom said in astonishment. "You can talk!" Tom picked him up. "Say dada again," Tom requested with a smile.
".da.da."
"That's wonderful!" Tom praised him.
Later that day Tom and Tommy went to Sickbay for Tommy's treatment. Kes smiled when she saw the visitors. Tommy held out his arms to Kes and she gladly took the little load from Tom.
"And how are you today?" Kes asked sweetly. Tom smiled at the pair. Kes was a natural mother. She was very gentle and children seemed to love her.
"Mr. Paris and Mr. Paris," the Doctor greeted them. "Please lay him on the main biobed," the doctor ordered.
Kes carfully laid the child on the biobed within the cradle to keep him from moving too much. The arch was raised and they were ready to begin. Everything started well but Tommy was quickly becoming uncomfortable and he let everybody know it.
Tommy was wailing and had been for the past few minutes. Tom couldn't take anymore of it and approached the doctor. "Doc,"
"He's fine Mr. Paris, just scared."
"How much longer?" he asked.
"Ten minutes," the Doctor replied. Tom took a calming breath and hoped that both he and Tommy could hold on for ten minutes.
"Tom." He felt a gentle hand on his arm and looked to his side expecting to see Kes but was surprised when it was the Captain. He hadn't noticed her come in. She had arrived less than a minute ago to the sound of Tommy's cries. The infant's distress was having a noticeable effect on Tom. Kes had briefly filled Janeway in on what was going on when she had first entered.
There were only six minutes left in the treatment but it seemed like and eternity away. Tommy was crying louder every second and Tom was very tense but perfectly still, watching the child and unable to help.
Tom had never liked not being in control and he definitely wasn't enjoying this situation. A particularly loud wail escaped from the infant and Tom had had enough. Janeway felt the muscle on Tom's arm tense and he started for the child but Kathryn held him back.
"Just a few more minutes, Tom," She assured him. Tom looked at her and then at Tommy.
"Five more minutes," Tom mumbled to himself.
The minutes finally passed and Tom was able to comfort Tommy and he was soon quiet again. The Doctor took Janeway into his office to talk to her while Kes took care of Tom and Tommy.
"How is he?" Janeway asked.
"Tommy is responding to the treatments and his growth is slowing but it is still far to rapid. I estimate that it will take several months before his growth is at a normal rate."
Janeway nodded her understanding. "And how's Tom doing?" Janeway was worried about her chief helmsman. He had been willing to take care of Tommy but she still wondered if he was ready to care for a child by himself.
"Mr. Paris is coping well though I am curious as to whether he is getting enough sleep. There's already an emotional attachment between the two."
"That's clearly evident," Janeway said as she peered through the transparent window of the office. Tom was showing Kes how Tommy could walk with a bit of help.
"He also speaks," the Doctor said with a smile. Tom had been so proud of his brother when he showed them how quickly Tommy was learning things. The Doctor wasn't sure whether it was Tommy learning or that the remaining precursors were responsible but either way it was Tom's interaction with the infant and his desire to mimic them that encouraged Tommy to speak.
Three weeks later Tommy was about three and a half years old and he was a bundle of energy. Tom tried to tune out Tommy's noise making while he finished his report but it was becoming more and more difficult. Tom had slowly been returning to his duties, leaving Tommy with a babysitter when he did.
"Tommy, could you be a little quieter," Tom asked.
"Okay," Tommy said and went back to playing with his Starship. Tom quickly finished the report before the noise level increased again. He placed the padd down and looked at Tommy. So this is what he was like when he was a kid.
Tom ran a tired hand over his face. Taking care of Tommy was hard but it was rewarding. Tom, Harry and B'Elanna were the only people Tommy trusted completely. Tom had been surprised that Tommy wasn't completely comfortable with Kes but Tommy didn't very much enjoy his treatments in sickbay. Every time they went Tommy would ask why he had to go.
Tom had many conversations with Tommy trying to explain, in a simple manner, the complicated situation. Tommy had gained a few memories but nothing that cause Tom to worry yet.
Tommy was getting along well with the crew too. He was charming (just like Tom) and his innocence and curiosity won the hearts of many. Tom was wary of some people when they were around Tommy. Nearly three years into their journey and there were still people who harboured ill feelings for him. Tom worried that they were unable or unwilling to see the differences and would hurt Tommy if only to get at him.
There was one crewmember in particular that Tom watched very carefully, Crewman Ian Baxter. Baxter had been particularly hostile to Tom when he had first arrived on Voyager and when they had been stranded in the delta quadrant, Tom had discovered the is was Baxter who had assembled the masses against him, particularly the occasional beatings and missing replicator rations from his account.
Tommy and Baxter though, got along perfectly. Tom found it disturbing and whenever Baxter was in the room, Tom tried to keep Tommy as far from him as possible but Tommy couldn't see the danger and hopefully he would never experience it.
"Stop it! I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry!"
Tom ran into his brother's room. "Tommy!"
"I'm sorry! Please stop hurting me!" Tommy yelled.
Tom tried to wake his brother from the dream. "Tommy, it's okay! You're safe here!" He shook him until startled blue eyes opened. He stared blankly at the ceiling. "Tommy?" Tom asked gently.
"I thought he was here," Tommy said softly. He quickly wiped away tears that threatened to fall. His father would only get mad at him if he cried.
"Tommy, he's not here." Tom assured him. "It's okay for you to cry." This was the third time Tommy had had a nightmare due to the memories he gained. Tommy was only five years old and already their father's acts were plaguing his dreams.
"I remember it," Tommy said. He was still staring blankly at the ceiling.
Tom gathered the child in his arms and picked him up. Tommy wrapped his arms around his brother's neck seeking any comfort that was available to him and Tom didn't deny him. Tom remembered when he had wanted nothing more than a shoulder to cry on when he was a child but his sisters had been away, his mother had died and Owen was the source of his grief.
"I'm sorry Tommy," Tom whispered to him. "I'm so sorry." The grip around his neck tightened and Tom heard the soft whimpers from his brother as he cried and felt the tremors that ran through his body as he recalled their shared horrors. "I'm sorry," Tom kept apologizing. He wished he could tell Tommy that he'd never let it happen again, that he'd protect him, but he couldn't. Tom couldn't change the past not matter how much he wanted to and he couldn't make Tommy forget everything. "I'm sorry."
Tommy cried himself to sleep and Tom returned him to his bed but he knew sleep would not come easily to him tonight so he didn't try. He sat leaning against the wall looking at Tommy all night while he slumbered. He didn't know what else to do. The Doctor could not remove any more of the memory engrams without potentially causing brain damage.
"This isn't fair," Tom mumbled to himself. He gingerly reached out touched Tommy's head. The soft blonde hair slipped through his fingers as he gently touched his brother. Tom looked at his hand and moved it away from his brother. He stared at his hands for several minutes.
He couldn't let Tommy become like him. Tommy could do better and Tom could give him the chance.
A few hours later the chime rang but Tom didn't move. It rang again and Tom called softly for the person to enter. Harry Kim walked into the still dark quarters and looked around. He looked into Tom's sleeping alcove and found that the pilot wasn't there so he checked Tommy's room.
Tom was still seated leaning against the wall, his elbows resting on his knees. "Hi Harry," Tom said tiredly.
"Did you sleep at all last night?" Harry asked in concern. He knew Tom didn't get a lot of sleep anyway but some was better than none.
"No and I doubt I'll sleep tonight either," Tom said running a tired hand over his face.
"Tom," the two men heard a little voice whisper. They looked at Tommy and found that he was awake.
"Morning, Tommy," Harry said.
"Are you mad at me?" Tommy asked Tom.
Tom shook his head. "I'm not mad Tommy," he said with a gentle smile. Tom stood and stretched. "We have to get ready. You'll be spending the day with Crewman Foster while I'm on the bridge."
"I wanna see the bridge!" Tommy demanded as he pulled back his covers.
"You have to be this tall," Tom said and raised his hand. Tommy stood up and stood under it. He was several centimetres shorter. He stood on his toes but still wasn't tall enough. Tom laughed. "I'll take you one of these days, just not today." Tom said.
Half an hour later Tommy was finally dressed and ready for the day. "Harry could you take him to the mess hall for breakfast?"
"Sure Tom," Harry said taking Tommy's hand in his own.
"You coming?" Tommy asked.
"I'll join you there later," Tom said.
"No! You have to come now," Tommy ordered.
"I need to shower first Tommy. I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?" Tom crouched down so he was eye level with his brother. Tommy contemplated his answer for several seconds before nodding. Tom patted his head and smiled. "Twenty minutes, max." Tommy nodded sadly and left with Harry.
"He just needs to shower. He really smells," Harry joked with the child as they left.
Tom walked to the washroom briefly enjoying the solitude. He was still unable to banish the memories of last night and with them he recalled the memories of his childhood. "I wish I could forget."
Tom and Harry arrived on the bridge a few minutes before their shift started. They briefly greeted B'Elanna who was already at her station. She noticed that Tom seemed preoccupied with some other thoughts and looked to Harry for an answer. He gave he a look that promised and explanation at a later date.
Alpha shift soon began and Voyager's senior staff was on the bridge tending to their duties. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were in their respective positions from where they had an unobstructed view of their pilot, well at least of his back.
They were both worried about Tom. When Tommy was around he joked and laughed but when the boy was out of sight, Tom became very introverted and quiet. Something was bothering him but they doubted it was something Tom would want to share. If he wanted to help Tommy though, it was something he'd have to come to terms with sooner or later; the sooner the better.
A few days later Tom was preparing for an away mission, which meant that Tommy would need to be taken care of while he was gone. Harry and B'Elanna were both busy and Sam couldn't handle taking care of both Naomi and Tommy so somebody else had to do it. That somebody was Commander Chakotay, not Tom's first choice but Tom trusted Chakotay, even if it wasn't always evident.
"Two days, Tommy and then I'll be back."
"Why can't I come?" Tommy pouted.
"It's too dangerous for you," Tom explained as the door chimed. "Come in."
Chakotay walked in with a bag of his belongings. Tom greeted him but Tommy stayed silent. "Well that's it." Tom slung his bag across his shoulders and picked up his brother. "Two days, okay?" Tommy had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face but he nodded in agreement. "Chakotay will take care of you while I'm gone." Tom introduced the older man. Tommy squirmed in Tom's arms so Tom put him down and Tommy promptly ran into his room.
"Sorry," Tom apologized.
"That's alright," Chakotay said.
"Give him some time." Tom said. "He has to come out sooner or later." Tom sighed knowing that it might be a few hours before Tommy decided to come out.
"You should get going," Chakotay said and Tom sighed knowing that he was right. Chakotay noticed that Tom wouldn't look him in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. It had something to do with the talk they had earlier that day.
Tom had needed to tell Chakotay a few things about Tommy, particularly the nightmares and memories. Tom hadn't been comfortable with the conversation but he hid it well. Telling Chakotay about Tommy meant telling a man who had at one time been his enemy, about himself and Tom had no desire to do that but it was for Tommy's sake.
"Good luck," Tom said as he departed. He looked at the entrance to Tommy's room and was tempted to go see him but decided to give the boy his space. "I'll see you in two days." Chakotay nodded and Tom went for the door.
"Wait!" Tommy yelled as he bolted out of his room with one of his teddy bears. Tom kneeled down to hug his brother who didn't want to let go. "Please can I come," Tommy begged but Tom had to say no. "Then take teddy with you. He'll keep you safe." Tom looked at his raggedy bear and recognized the sacrifice that Tommy was willing to make for him. Tommy had stopped sleeping with his teddy about a week ago, which corresponds to the age when Owen had chastised Tom for being a 'whining baby', his exact words. From then on Tom had hidden his bear, and eventually he gave it away, but it had always been something special to him.
"Thank you," Tom said as he gently took the bear. "I'll take good care of him," Tom promised.
"Bye Tom," Tommy said as he hugged him again.
"Bye Tommy. I love you," Tom said. He had only ever said those words to his sisters and to his mother, or at least her headstone.
"Luv you too," Tommy replied. Reluctantly Tommy let go and Tom left. Tommy looked to Chakotay with tears of sorrow in his usually shining eyes. "He'll come back, right?"
End Chapter 2
Chapter 2
Five years per month, that's how quickly Tom's 'brother' had been aging. In a year and a half he'd have been ninety. The doctor was working on that problem though. With some repeated genetic therapy, the genes that caused his rapid aging would be dormant.
It had been four days since the baby's arrival on Voyager and Tom was finding it hard to keep up with the child. There was so much that he had to read to know what to expect but it seemed like as soon as he had read a chapter, his brother had already gone past that stage.
Currently the baby was in a playpen that had been replicated. He was playing with the assorted toys that Tom had made him. He soon tired of his toys and started to wail.
"I'm coming Tommy," Tom said as he got up from his sofa. He picked up the child and he stopped crying immediately. "Always have to be the centre of attention, eh?" Tom said as the child smiled at him.
Tom had been taken off duty for the next week or more. A few days ago Tom had decided that the baby needed a name, something to respond to for now. Once he got back some of his memories he'd know his name was Tom but until then he'd be Tommy.
"So, little man, what do you say to a trip to the mess hall? I'm getting low on rations, you know, diapers and all that," Tom said and the child eyes followed his movements. Before Tom could gather the baby bag and head out the door his door chime rang and he called for the person to enter.
"Hi, Tom," Harry greeted as he walked in. Tom had his back to the door and only knew Harry had entered because he recognized he voice.
"Hey, Har." Tom moved a toy and looked for Tommy favourite one. "Rats! Were did you put it, Tommy?" Tom asked his little compatriot. "Your silence says more than words ever could."
"I always knew you were strange Paris." Tom turned and saw that B'Elanna had come in too.
"Torres, I didn't know you were here." Tom said this looking at Harry. Harry just shrugged.
"And how is Tommy?" B'Elanna asked. She held out her arms and Tom gave her the little person. "He's so cute," B'Elanna said as she tickled the baby. He laughed and cooed.
"Your motherly instincts are..well..scary," Tom said reaching the for Tommy but B'Elanna turned away.
"Where are you two off to?" B'Elanna asked Tommy in a sweet voice, one that Tom and Harry had never heard come from her. They briefly glanced at each other.
"We're going to the Mess Hall," Tom informed her. "Would you guys like to tag along?"
Harry took the baby bag off Tom's shoulder and put it on the couch. "I have a better idea," Harry said. "Let's eat here, my treat."
"You have enough rations?" Tom asked.
"Sure he does," B'Elanna started, "he hasn't been loosing them to you in pool at Sandrines since you've been so busy with Tommy."
And so the four of them ate in Tom's quarters. Tommy was trying to feed himself but more food was on the floor than in his mouth.
B'Elanna tried to get a spoonful of baby food into Tommy's mouth but Tommy's attention was elsewhere. "I can't get him to eat," B'Elanna said.
"Here," Tom took the spoon from her. He snapped his fingers near Tommy catching his attention. He then put the spoon in front of his mouth and he gladly ate the food before going back to banging his spoon on his high chair. "You have to get his attention first," Tom said.
Harry smiled as he noted how comfortable Tom was with the child. Tom had decided that he should take care of his twin brother rather than some stranger, especially if Tommy would have some of Tom's memories. The Doctor had already performed the procedure to remove as much of the engram precursors but some remained. The Doc estimated that he removed forty-five to fifty percent of the memories, still, only time would tell how successful the procedure was.
"I think he's had enough," Tom said as he wiped Tommy's face and hand. He picked up the infant. "You guys should see this!" Tom placed Tommy on the carpeted floor and then moved a few meters away from him. "Come on Tommy. Crawl to me!" Tom coaxed the baby who was in a seated position.
After a few seconds Tommy moved to get on all fours and started crawling towards Tom. Tom smiled and picked up his brother once he reached him. "Very good!" Tom praised the child.
"That's great," Harry said gently touching the child's head.
"He'll be walking soon too, I think. He can already stand by himself."
"Just how quickly is he growing?" B'Elanna asked.
"The Doc said he'd gotten it down to about four and a half years per month but it's still too fast." Tom sat down with Tommy in his lap and gave him one of his toys. He'd tire himself out soon and be ready to go to sleep all Tom had to do was wait. "You guys have plans for tonight?" Tom asked.
"Not really," B'Elanna sat next to Tom and observed Tommy as he played.
"I think I'll turn in early," Harry said. "There's a party in the holodeck tomorrow, are you going to go?"
"Probably not. I'd need to find a baby-sitter and if I remember correctly, my sisters said I didn't take very well to strangers," Tom said as he looked down at Tommy. Tommy was babbling, trying to form words and Tom wondered when he'd learn to talk.
A day later Tom got his answer. He had been playing with Tommy, and absently listening to Tommy's babbling when he heard what sounded like a real word. Tom stopped his motions and looked at Tommy who looked at him innocently. "What did you say?"
"Da.dada." Tommy smiled.
"You spoke!" Tom said in astonishment. "You can talk!" Tom picked him up. "Say dada again," Tom requested with a smile.
".da.da."
"That's wonderful!" Tom praised him.
Later that day Tom and Tommy went to Sickbay for Tommy's treatment. Kes smiled when she saw the visitors. Tommy held out his arms to Kes and she gladly took the little load from Tom.
"And how are you today?" Kes asked sweetly. Tom smiled at the pair. Kes was a natural mother. She was very gentle and children seemed to love her.
"Mr. Paris and Mr. Paris," the Doctor greeted them. "Please lay him on the main biobed," the doctor ordered.
Kes carfully laid the child on the biobed within the cradle to keep him from moving too much. The arch was raised and they were ready to begin. Everything started well but Tommy was quickly becoming uncomfortable and he let everybody know it.
Tommy was wailing and had been for the past few minutes. Tom couldn't take anymore of it and approached the doctor. "Doc,"
"He's fine Mr. Paris, just scared."
"How much longer?" he asked.
"Ten minutes," the Doctor replied. Tom took a calming breath and hoped that both he and Tommy could hold on for ten minutes.
"Tom." He felt a gentle hand on his arm and looked to his side expecting to see Kes but was surprised when it was the Captain. He hadn't noticed her come in. She had arrived less than a minute ago to the sound of Tommy's cries. The infant's distress was having a noticeable effect on Tom. Kes had briefly filled Janeway in on what was going on when she had first entered.
There were only six minutes left in the treatment but it seemed like and eternity away. Tommy was crying louder every second and Tom was very tense but perfectly still, watching the child and unable to help.
Tom had never liked not being in control and he definitely wasn't enjoying this situation. A particularly loud wail escaped from the infant and Tom had had enough. Janeway felt the muscle on Tom's arm tense and he started for the child but Kathryn held him back.
"Just a few more minutes, Tom," She assured him. Tom looked at her and then at Tommy.
"Five more minutes," Tom mumbled to himself.
The minutes finally passed and Tom was able to comfort Tommy and he was soon quiet again. The Doctor took Janeway into his office to talk to her while Kes took care of Tom and Tommy.
"How is he?" Janeway asked.
"Tommy is responding to the treatments and his growth is slowing but it is still far to rapid. I estimate that it will take several months before his growth is at a normal rate."
Janeway nodded her understanding. "And how's Tom doing?" Janeway was worried about her chief helmsman. He had been willing to take care of Tommy but she still wondered if he was ready to care for a child by himself.
"Mr. Paris is coping well though I am curious as to whether he is getting enough sleep. There's already an emotional attachment between the two."
"That's clearly evident," Janeway said as she peered through the transparent window of the office. Tom was showing Kes how Tommy could walk with a bit of help.
"He also speaks," the Doctor said with a smile. Tom had been so proud of his brother when he showed them how quickly Tommy was learning things. The Doctor wasn't sure whether it was Tommy learning or that the remaining precursors were responsible but either way it was Tom's interaction with the infant and his desire to mimic them that encouraged Tommy to speak.
Three weeks later Tommy was about three and a half years old and he was a bundle of energy. Tom tried to tune out Tommy's noise making while he finished his report but it was becoming more and more difficult. Tom had slowly been returning to his duties, leaving Tommy with a babysitter when he did.
"Tommy, could you be a little quieter," Tom asked.
"Okay," Tommy said and went back to playing with his Starship. Tom quickly finished the report before the noise level increased again. He placed the padd down and looked at Tommy. So this is what he was like when he was a kid.
Tom ran a tired hand over his face. Taking care of Tommy was hard but it was rewarding. Tom, Harry and B'Elanna were the only people Tommy trusted completely. Tom had been surprised that Tommy wasn't completely comfortable with Kes but Tommy didn't very much enjoy his treatments in sickbay. Every time they went Tommy would ask why he had to go.
Tom had many conversations with Tommy trying to explain, in a simple manner, the complicated situation. Tommy had gained a few memories but nothing that cause Tom to worry yet.
Tommy was getting along well with the crew too. He was charming (just like Tom) and his innocence and curiosity won the hearts of many. Tom was wary of some people when they were around Tommy. Nearly three years into their journey and there were still people who harboured ill feelings for him. Tom worried that they were unable or unwilling to see the differences and would hurt Tommy if only to get at him.
There was one crewmember in particular that Tom watched very carefully, Crewman Ian Baxter. Baxter had been particularly hostile to Tom when he had first arrived on Voyager and when they had been stranded in the delta quadrant, Tom had discovered the is was Baxter who had assembled the masses against him, particularly the occasional beatings and missing replicator rations from his account.
Tommy and Baxter though, got along perfectly. Tom found it disturbing and whenever Baxter was in the room, Tom tried to keep Tommy as far from him as possible but Tommy couldn't see the danger and hopefully he would never experience it.
"Stop it! I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry!"
Tom ran into his brother's room. "Tommy!"
"I'm sorry! Please stop hurting me!" Tommy yelled.
Tom tried to wake his brother from the dream. "Tommy, it's okay! You're safe here!" He shook him until startled blue eyes opened. He stared blankly at the ceiling. "Tommy?" Tom asked gently.
"I thought he was here," Tommy said softly. He quickly wiped away tears that threatened to fall. His father would only get mad at him if he cried.
"Tommy, he's not here." Tom assured him. "It's okay for you to cry." This was the third time Tommy had had a nightmare due to the memories he gained. Tommy was only five years old and already their father's acts were plaguing his dreams.
"I remember it," Tommy said. He was still staring blankly at the ceiling.
Tom gathered the child in his arms and picked him up. Tommy wrapped his arms around his brother's neck seeking any comfort that was available to him and Tom didn't deny him. Tom remembered when he had wanted nothing more than a shoulder to cry on when he was a child but his sisters had been away, his mother had died and Owen was the source of his grief.
"I'm sorry Tommy," Tom whispered to him. "I'm so sorry." The grip around his neck tightened and Tom heard the soft whimpers from his brother as he cried and felt the tremors that ran through his body as he recalled their shared horrors. "I'm sorry," Tom kept apologizing. He wished he could tell Tommy that he'd never let it happen again, that he'd protect him, but he couldn't. Tom couldn't change the past not matter how much he wanted to and he couldn't make Tommy forget everything. "I'm sorry."
Tommy cried himself to sleep and Tom returned him to his bed but he knew sleep would not come easily to him tonight so he didn't try. He sat leaning against the wall looking at Tommy all night while he slumbered. He didn't know what else to do. The Doctor could not remove any more of the memory engrams without potentially causing brain damage.
"This isn't fair," Tom mumbled to himself. He gingerly reached out touched Tommy's head. The soft blonde hair slipped through his fingers as he gently touched his brother. Tom looked at his hand and moved it away from his brother. He stared at his hands for several minutes.
He couldn't let Tommy become like him. Tommy could do better and Tom could give him the chance.
A few hours later the chime rang but Tom didn't move. It rang again and Tom called softly for the person to enter. Harry Kim walked into the still dark quarters and looked around. He looked into Tom's sleeping alcove and found that the pilot wasn't there so he checked Tommy's room.
Tom was still seated leaning against the wall, his elbows resting on his knees. "Hi Harry," Tom said tiredly.
"Did you sleep at all last night?" Harry asked in concern. He knew Tom didn't get a lot of sleep anyway but some was better than none.
"No and I doubt I'll sleep tonight either," Tom said running a tired hand over his face.
"Tom," the two men heard a little voice whisper. They looked at Tommy and found that he was awake.
"Morning, Tommy," Harry said.
"Are you mad at me?" Tommy asked Tom.
Tom shook his head. "I'm not mad Tommy," he said with a gentle smile. Tom stood and stretched. "We have to get ready. You'll be spending the day with Crewman Foster while I'm on the bridge."
"I wanna see the bridge!" Tommy demanded as he pulled back his covers.
"You have to be this tall," Tom said and raised his hand. Tommy stood up and stood under it. He was several centimetres shorter. He stood on his toes but still wasn't tall enough. Tom laughed. "I'll take you one of these days, just not today." Tom said.
Half an hour later Tommy was finally dressed and ready for the day. "Harry could you take him to the mess hall for breakfast?"
"Sure Tom," Harry said taking Tommy's hand in his own.
"You coming?" Tommy asked.
"I'll join you there later," Tom said.
"No! You have to come now," Tommy ordered.
"I need to shower first Tommy. I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?" Tom crouched down so he was eye level with his brother. Tommy contemplated his answer for several seconds before nodding. Tom patted his head and smiled. "Twenty minutes, max." Tommy nodded sadly and left with Harry.
"He just needs to shower. He really smells," Harry joked with the child as they left.
Tom walked to the washroom briefly enjoying the solitude. He was still unable to banish the memories of last night and with them he recalled the memories of his childhood. "I wish I could forget."
Tom and Harry arrived on the bridge a few minutes before their shift started. They briefly greeted B'Elanna who was already at her station. She noticed that Tom seemed preoccupied with some other thoughts and looked to Harry for an answer. He gave he a look that promised and explanation at a later date.
Alpha shift soon began and Voyager's senior staff was on the bridge tending to their duties. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were in their respective positions from where they had an unobstructed view of their pilot, well at least of his back.
They were both worried about Tom. When Tommy was around he joked and laughed but when the boy was out of sight, Tom became very introverted and quiet. Something was bothering him but they doubted it was something Tom would want to share. If he wanted to help Tommy though, it was something he'd have to come to terms with sooner or later; the sooner the better.
A few days later Tom was preparing for an away mission, which meant that Tommy would need to be taken care of while he was gone. Harry and B'Elanna were both busy and Sam couldn't handle taking care of both Naomi and Tommy so somebody else had to do it. That somebody was Commander Chakotay, not Tom's first choice but Tom trusted Chakotay, even if it wasn't always evident.
"Two days, Tommy and then I'll be back."
"Why can't I come?" Tommy pouted.
"It's too dangerous for you," Tom explained as the door chimed. "Come in."
Chakotay walked in with a bag of his belongings. Tom greeted him but Tommy stayed silent. "Well that's it." Tom slung his bag across his shoulders and picked up his brother. "Two days, okay?" Tommy had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face but he nodded in agreement. "Chakotay will take care of you while I'm gone." Tom introduced the older man. Tommy squirmed in Tom's arms so Tom put him down and Tommy promptly ran into his room.
"Sorry," Tom apologized.
"That's alright," Chakotay said.
"Give him some time." Tom said. "He has to come out sooner or later." Tom sighed knowing that it might be a few hours before Tommy decided to come out.
"You should get going," Chakotay said and Tom sighed knowing that he was right. Chakotay noticed that Tom wouldn't look him in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. It had something to do with the talk they had earlier that day.
Tom had needed to tell Chakotay a few things about Tommy, particularly the nightmares and memories. Tom hadn't been comfortable with the conversation but he hid it well. Telling Chakotay about Tommy meant telling a man who had at one time been his enemy, about himself and Tom had no desire to do that but it was for Tommy's sake.
"Good luck," Tom said as he departed. He looked at the entrance to Tommy's room and was tempted to go see him but decided to give the boy his space. "I'll see you in two days." Chakotay nodded and Tom went for the door.
"Wait!" Tommy yelled as he bolted out of his room with one of his teddy bears. Tom kneeled down to hug his brother who didn't want to let go. "Please can I come," Tommy begged but Tom had to say no. "Then take teddy with you. He'll keep you safe." Tom looked at his raggedy bear and recognized the sacrifice that Tommy was willing to make for him. Tommy had stopped sleeping with his teddy about a week ago, which corresponds to the age when Owen had chastised Tom for being a 'whining baby', his exact words. From then on Tom had hidden his bear, and eventually he gave it away, but it had always been something special to him.
"Thank you," Tom said as he gently took the bear. "I'll take good care of him," Tom promised.
"Bye Tom," Tommy said as he hugged him again.
"Bye Tommy. I love you," Tom said. He had only ever said those words to his sisters and to his mother, or at least her headstone.
"Luv you too," Tommy replied. Reluctantly Tommy let go and Tom left. Tommy looked to Chakotay with tears of sorrow in his usually shining eyes. "He'll come back, right?"
End Chapter 2