Author notes:
Well here we are. The final chapter. This will be my first ever completed fanfic! Personally I think chappie 4 ending was a nice place to finish but ending there would involve LB disembowling me so here's a nice little - hopefully humorous but at the least darn right tasteless - chappie to finish the fic off.
Extra note: Implied yaoi, shounen ai (LB: yes, that's Guy/Guy love for those of you who didn't know), some bad language, Anzu bashing and some mild Yugi bashing. All in good honest fun I assure you. Except for the Anzu bashing. I hate her. (LB: Here's an idea. If you've seen the Japanese first series of Yugioh, imagine Yugi speaking in that voice - so much fun!) I have to agree. Anyway, on with the fic!
Disclaimer: TM does not own YuGiOh but does own this fic and that twisted little imagination kept in the rusty little box at the bottom of the cupboard underneath those peculiarly placed Rurouni Kenshin action figures.
Chapter 5 - Nonsense by The Muffin and Lightning Baron
"Hey Yu---ugi!" a shrill and glass shattering voice squealed over the distance "I got your letter about wanting to have a friendly, playful duel with me!"
The radish haired boy looked up from his stalemate chess game with Yami to see the figure of Anzu ambling her way towards him waving a blue piece of paper above her head. Yami took this as a signal to quickly retreat into his soul room and out of annoyances way.
"My letter?" Yugi said in his childlike voice looking positively confused "But… but I got your letter…"
"My letter?" Anzu said airily.
"Yes… your letter." The tri-colour haired boy replied with a slight hint of a frustrated sigh "Here take a look. It even has glitter and sparkles glued on to it."
Anzu's eyes widened as Yugi held up the glittery mass of illegible writing for her to see. With lightning-fast speed, she snatched the note out of Yugi's hand and clutched it tightly to her chest.
"Aaawwww! It's so cute and sparkly and and… friendly! Let me keep it Yugi, to remind us of our friendship that I love so much, pleeeeease!"
Yugi stared at the hyperactive friendship... thing blankly for a second; there was a time when this sort of interaction would make him blush from ear to ear but he had gotten to know her a bit more since then. The little Mutou laughed nervously "Well I don't really have much of a choice…"
"Oh thank you!" Anzu wrapped her arms around the shorter boy's stomach and squeezed him relentlessly.
Yugi's face began to turn blue as the constricting embrace only tightened
"Just think of the panties… just think of the panties…" he gasped between breaths.
Somewhere within the confines of the little Mutou's mind, Yami shook his head distastefully.
Finally, Yugi managed to squirm free from the noxious hold and fell backwards onto the floor trying to catch his breath. "But still." He muttered when at last his normal, unrestrained breathing had returned to him, "If you didn't send this letter, and I didn't send that letter, then who…?"
"Who cares? Let's d-d-d-d-duel!!"
A large sweat drop rolled down the side of Yugi's disturbed face as he watched the squeaky imitation bounce around obstinately before him, oblivious to the hushed giggling that emanated from deep within his deck.
#*#*#*#
It took some time for the duelling arena to be set up. Personally Yugi thought the tall blue structure to be perfectly adequate for their 'friendly' duel but Anzu had insisted on redecorating it with ribbons and smiley stickers before she would even step onto the duelling platform. She had also insisted on having the others there to cheer them on in the spirit of 'true friendship and happiness!!'. Malik, Marik, Ryou, Bakura and Joey had all turned up, being unable to think of an excuse quick enough to get away, and were now seated around the blue metallic structure looking unbelievably bored.
"First that boat freak and now this!" Bakura muttered bitterly rubbing the still tender bruise on the back of his head. "What else can make this day suck?" Ryou rolled his eyes. He had had to listen to his yami's ranting and ravings non-stop since they had barely escaped from the park that afternoon with their lives, the boat guy went nutso after Marik carelessly knocked his cigarette out of his hands and tried to suffocate them all with flowers, and the white haired hikari's patience was starting to wear thin.
"Stupid Tristin" Joey muttered darkly beneath the constant complaints of Bakura, and Malik telling Marik to stop touching him there. "How dare he steal my haemorrhoids excuse!"
"Now, let's just be sure to have fun!" Yugi smiled at Anzu as he placed his deck down on the predefined area.
"And if you win I will still wuv you because you're my friend!" she squealed back across the field from her position on the opposing raised platform.
"What do you mean if I win?" the young voice of Yugi retorted suddenly maturing and growing deeper as his yami took possession of his young body.
Anzu stared and the slightly changed boy blankly for a few minutes until finally a vague gleam of recognition crept across her oversized eyes
"Oooooh Yami, my love!" She squealed, "How I missed you so!"
"What do you mean 'missed me'?" Yami snapped "I've been here the whole time you stupid bint! And don't call me your love!"
"Take your kit off!" Marik called out suddenly.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Marik in disgust.
Anzu blushed and then giggled. "Oh Marik, I cant do that you little silly, you!"
Marik jumped back with a start and pulled a face that could have curdled cream as he shook his Millenium Rod threateningly at the misunderstood girl.
"Eeeww! I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Yami!"
Bakura didn't know which was worse and he expressed this opinion in every way other than discrete. Ryou blushed bright red and tried to hide the offending marks behind his hands while Malik cackled insanely and Joey continued to snore loudly.
Yami ignored the spectators' outbursts and focused his attention back on the duel.
Yami studied his hand, ahh, he had his favourite card; the Dark Magician. Also the Horn of Heaven, the Winged Dragon Guardian of the Fortress, Feral Imp… and the Celtic Guardian…
"Hmmmm… if I put the Celtic Guardian out combined with the Horn of Heaven trap; I can get rid of one of her monsters…" he muttered quietly.
The Celtic Guardian twitched his long slender ears and winced.
"Ooohh Yami-poo's! Who's going first, shall I? Oooo! I have suuuch a cute monster I can put out!" the brain damaged friendship whore called over the arena.
"Yami-poo's?! Yami-POO'S? What the hell?! Are you ill or something?!" Malik called out, leaping to his feet and waving his fist at her. Anzu put her hand to her mouth and waved her other hand at the hysterical Egyptian.
"Teehehehehehe… silly" she giggled. Malik fell over backwards onto Ryou, and received a thump from Marik, who was mumbling something about a 'little Egyptian slut'
"Ok, you go first" Yami sighed, and watched as the deranged thing danced about in utter joy.
"Oh, oo… goody! Then for my first move, I lay the Shining Friendship in attack mode, this card is like all of us Yami, we are bound by…"
All of the spectators and Yami fell asleep for the fifteen minute friendship speech, the spacky bitch continued oblivious to the fact that Joey was happily cuddling his Seto plushie, Ryou and Bakura were leaning against each other fast asleep, Marik and Malik… had disappeared…
"…and that's why it cannot loose!" Anzu screamed triumphantly. Yami snapped out of his slumber and put his game face on again.
"Hmph… Winged Dragon Guardian of the Fortress!! In attack mode!!!!!!" Yami yelled in an unnecessarily loud voice. Anzu looked openly hurt when the big blue dragon trounced her green blob of friendshipy doom.
"Yaaaamiiiiiiiiii!! That was meaaaan!!" Anzu blubbered. Marik and Malik had re-appeared, somewhat red in the face, and had sat down next to Bakura, who eyed them with suspicion.
Anzu then took about fifteen minutes to think of what to do next. Ryou had left to get some food for the rest of the group and the remaining posse passed the time by playing eye spy.
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'" Marik said in a bored tone, crossing his arms.
"Uuhhhh… seats?"
"Nope"
"…stands!"
"Nope"
"Stadium? Soda… socks… shades?"
"Naaaa---wwwww" the nutty yami said.
"Slapper? Slut? Slag?" Ryou announced loudly, emerging with crisps, coke, chocolate and burgers. Everybody's jaw dropped at the seemingly innocent Ryou. Bakura beamed, he seemed to be rubbing off on his light.
"Yeeeess!!" Marik yelled, leapt up and proceeded to hug Ryou to death.
Meanwhile, Anzu had finally made a decision, the cogs in her head making a huge clicking sound…
"I play this in defence… and end my turn"
Everybody fell over backwards.
"What?! That's your move? All that time for THAT??!!! BAKA ONNA!!" screamed Malik through the mouth full of crisps. Yami clambered up and regained his composure. He drew a card.
"Ahhhhh… Soul Exchange… now I can summon my Dark Magician" He sneered to himself.
"For my move, first ill play the Celtic Guardian, in attack mode!" he laid the card on the readers surface and the armoured elf was summoned to the field. The blonde haired warrior looked about him; he knew exactly what his git of a master intended to do… so did everyone else for that matter.
"Then I play the magic card Soul Exchange!"
Anzu looked more clueless than she normally did… if that was possible, so Yami explained it to her;
"Soul Exchange allows me to sacrifice one of your monsters in place of my own, and considering I need two to bring out the powerful monster in my hand, your face down creature will do fine."
Anzu blinked and then leapt on the front of her podium;
"You can't do that!! The rules say you can only summon once per turn!!" she raged. Yami and Anzu then proceeded to scream the rules to each other, the decibel level getting higher and higher until Bakura could stand it no longer.
"Will you two shut UP!? For Ra's sake!!" he stood up and bellowed; "The rules state that you can only normal summon once per turn, but you can special summon as many times as you want! And using Soul Exchange, or any other magic card to summon, or to aid summon is considered a special summon! Therefore he can do it, you stupid prostitute!!"
"Thank you tomb robber, for a mome…"
"And as for you, you can shut up as well!! Its bad enough I have to sit here and watch you two pathetic twits duel anyway when I could be doing much more interesting things such as… gaaaah!" the completely insane Bakura was silenced by Ryou dragging him down and sitting on him. Ryou grinned sheepishly and signalled for Yami to continue, ignoring the babbling yami he was squashing.
"Bakuuuuuura!!" Anzu whined dramatically. "It's obvious that you need a lesson in friendship!"
Bakura's eyes widened in horror. What had he done! The dark glares from his fellow companions, with the exception of Joey who was now sleep rolling on the floor with his Seto plushie, confirmed what the Tomb Robber had indeed done. The next hour was not one to be forgotten easily….
1 Hour later…
"…And I know that as long as we all have friendship in our hearts and love by our sides we will still be friends no matter what the outcome!"
"Argh! I can't take it anymore!" Malik screamed as he suddenly appeared from under the stands and lifted a surprised Ryou above his head. "You guys can sit around here and listen to that dribbling friendship crap if you want but personally I'd rather be teaching my little friend here a few friendly tricks of my own!" With that, Malik cackled and bolted off still carrying the flustered Ryou above his head.
Bakura lunged for the fleeing Egyptian but fell short "Hey! Give me back my hikari, you sick bastard!" Bakura screamed as he immediately took chase after the randy Egyptian and his new toy.
Marik glanced at the disappearing trio then back at the duel.
"What?!!"
The insane yami shot up and darted after the others "Hey wait for me! No fair! You can't have all the fun!"
Yami watched the whole group, with the exception of the sleep-frolicking Joey, run off into the distance and blinked, his attention drawn away from the signalling monster card he held in his hand
"Okay… er… As I said, I use Soul Exchange; sacrifice the Celtic Guardian and your face down monster to summon…."
"Hooold it right there, 'Master'!" the Celtic Guardian announced suddenly. Turning to face Yami, he planted his sword into the ground and leant on it.
Anzu stared at the free moving form of the Celtic Guardian trying to comprehend what was going on. At last she thought she understood. "You're breaking the rules!" she screeched pointing accusingly at Yami and the spirit. "I can't do that so you must be breaking the rules! You cheater! Cheater! Cheater! CHEATER!"
"Will you please SHUT UP?!" Yami snapped at the girl then glared back at the Celtic Guardian. "I don't know what you think you are doing, Celtic Guardian, but it stops now!"
The Celtic Guardian stood his ground and said nothing.
"Ya---miii! What's going on?!"
"SHUT UP! Celtic Guardian, get back into your card!"
"No!" the Celtic Guardian stated defiantly.
"Don't make me force you!" Yami warned clutching the puzzle around his neck for emphasis as the distinct glowing third eye began to appear on his forehead.
"Don't even think about it." A third voice warned.
Yami blinked as a card in his hand began to glow with a pale light and then the tall, imposing form of the Dark Magician materialised on the playing field, standing tall between the angered duellist and the rebel elvern warrior.
"Dark Magician?!" Yami gasped in disbelief "What do you think you are doing?! Get back into your card right now! I command you!"
"I'm afraid I cannot do that."
"Ya---miiii! I'm scared!"
"You what?" Yami asked aghast ignoring Anzu completely.
"I can no longer stand idly by and watch you sacrifice Fionn for your empty victories." The Dark Magician replied simply.
Yami stared at his most prized card in disbelief "Fionn?"
"We have a lot to discuss." the mage continued calmly ignoring the confused look on Yami's face. "But first…"
The Dark Magician raised a hand towards the panicking girl on the opposing platform and instantly she was lifted 5 feet off of the floor with a petrified shriek. His face remaining in that well practised emotionless expression, the Dark Magician swayed his pale hand slightly causing the terrified girl to shake about violently with a shrill scream.
The Celtic Guardian stood between his koi and Master and raised his sword ready to fend off any assault the Pharaoh would dare to execute. However, to his surprise, Yami didn't make any attempt to stop the scene before him. In fact, the ancient Pharaoh just stood there on his platform, his arms folded loosely across his chest, the once confused and angered expression replaced with one of mild amusement.
The two card spirits looked at the stationary form of the Pharaoh in bemusement.
"..Aren't you going to even attempt to stop us?" the Celtic Guardian asked lowering is sword slightly.
"When I'm good and ready" Yami shrugged. "You just keep going for now… while I… er… think of a way to stop you."
The Dark Magician grinned knowingly as he gave Anzu another mid air shake provoking a guttural scream from the terrified teen. To be honest he wasn't at all surprised that Yami couldn't stand this whinny little friendship witch either; the pitch of her voice alone was enough to drive any sane person over the edge.
With his free hand, the sorcerer held out his renowned green staff to the Celtic Guardian. "Will you do the honours, Fionn?" he asked coolly with a slight inclination of his head.
The Celtic Gurdian looked at the staff with disbelief at first then took it with a smile. "I would be delighted." The elf bowed then he turned to face the hovering, snivelling girl.
"Wait a minute!" the Dark Magician said suddenly.
The Celtic Guardian stopped and turned to face the mage, a quizzical look on his painted face.
"Come here a second." The Dark Magician commanded gently, waving the elven warrior over with his free hand. Obediently the Celtic Guardian walked over to his fellow card spirit.
Still keeping Anzu floating with his right hand, the purple clad spellcaster conjured up an elegant piece of purple silk and held it out to his companion. "Don't forget your blindfold." He said, his expression remaining serious.
"You are too kind." The Celtic Guardian grinned as he took the cloth and tied it tightly over his eyes. Carefully, he raised the staff and edged his way over to where he remembered Anzu to be, his long ears proving in be very handy in pin pointing her exact position.
Anzu's pathetic blubbering could be heard clearly over each swing of the green staff and the loud snores of Joey who, despite all the chaos, was still cuddled up peacefully with his Seto plushie, oblivious to everything. The Celtic Guardian swung the staff repeatedly with well trained accuracy however, whenever the staff went to make contact with the now completely hysterical girl, she would be lifted out of the way at the very last minute so she could just feel the air pressure from the powerful strike brush lightly against her skin causing her to wince and squirm desperately.
The Celtic Guardian stopped what he was doing, pulled the blindfold from his eyes and shot a reproachful look at the Dark Magician. "No fair! I can sense what you are doing!" he complained pointing an accusing finger at the mage. "Moving it is cheating!"
The magician chuckled slightly. "I'm sorry, Fionn. I promise I'll keep it still from now on."
With a satisfied nod of his head, the Celtic Guardian placed the blindfold back over his golden eyes then focused his attention back on the vaguely sentient piñata suspended above him.
Just then, Marik, Malik, Bakura and Ryou returned from their little venture; the yamis looking rather pleased with themselves, Malik walking a little behind his three companions pouting somewhat and Ryou looking very flustered indeed. Marik suddenly came to a halt when he saw the scene being played out on the duel arena and stared at it wide-eyed. Taken by surprise, his companions collided into the back of the gaping yami and they all crashed unceremoniously to the floor in a muddled heap. Cursing loudly, Bakura pushed the others off of him and scrambled to his feet.
"You deranged idiot!" he raged glaring daggers at Marik who was making the most of having two hikaris sprawled across him. "What in Set's name did you do that for??"
Casually, Marik pointed his rod in the direction of the arena and, with an irritated growl, Bakura followed his gaze. It was now his turn to stand gob smacked staring at the two spirits using Anzu as a make shift punching bag.
"Why look, Malik!" Ryou exclaimed excitedly. "It's our cosplaying friend from the park!"
Malik brushed himself down then raised an eyebrow at the scene before him. "Somehow I get the feeling he isn't a cosplayer…" he mused as his gaze fell upon the Dark Magician holding Anzu up in the air with his magic.
"Mr Cosplayer!" Ryou yelled taking off at top speed towards the arena. "Hey! Mr Cosplayer!"
The Celtic Guardian stopped what he was doing and removed his blindfold as he heard the familiar voice calling to him. He smiled pleasantly as he saw the form of Ryou rushing towards him followed closely by an aversive Malik, very similar to when they had first met.
"Hello again." Ryou panted as he struggled to climb up onto the playing field eventually winning a helpful boost up from Malik who couldn't help but take pity on his struggling companion. With Malik's help, Ryou managed to pull himself up onto the playing field and stood smiling pleasantly at his old friend. "You took off without even saying goodbye, what happened to you?"
Ryou suddenly jumped with a start as an empty coke can went flying past his head and narrowly avoided hitting Anzu square on the nose. The fright caused Ryou to loose his balance and slip off of the platform but fortunately Malik was there to cushion his fall.
"You missed her!" Marik yelled at an irked looking tomb robber. "You throw like Yugi!"
Bakura turned sharply and roughly grabbed the collar of Marik's shirt "I dare you to say that again!" he growled menacingly.
"As do I!" bellowed Yami from his safe heaven up on the duelling platform.
"Keep out of this, vegetable head!" the two insane yamis shouted in unison.
"What was that?!!"
As the yamis continued to fling insults at one another, the Celtic Guardian quickly glanced over the edge of the platform to see if Ryou was alright then made his way quietly over to the Dark Magician.
"The Pharaoh is a lot different to how I remember him…" the elven warrior confessed gazing at the bickering yamis.
"The last time you saw him properly was back in Egypt, was it not?" the Dark Magician inquired. The Celtic Guardian nodded.
"Being trapped in that puzzle for a millennia has certainly had its effect on him…" the mage explained coolly.
"I can tell." The elven warrior smirked. "He seems to have forgotten about us completely. I actually think I prefer him this way."
"Rather amusing, isn't it?"
"Extremely"
"Anyway, I think it's time we stopped playing with this…" the Dark Magician nodded his head towards the near exhausted and tearful form of Anzu who was struggling to protect her face from half eaten burgers flying at her courtesy of Malik who was trying to cheer up a mildly shaken Ryou. "And we started laying out your terms to our beloved master here."
Anzu dropped painfully to the floor like a lead weight as the Dark Magician quickly released her from his levitation spell and turned his attention, along with the Celtic Guardian's, to the still squabbling Yami.
"Pharaoh…" the Celtic Guardian began. Yami continued to fling insults at the two insane yamis bellow.
"Pharaoh…" the elf said again a little louder. Yami still paid him no attention.
"Hey, Vegetable head!!" Everyone stopped what they were doing, including Anzu, and looked over at the Celtic Guardian.
"Erm… now that I have your attention..." the warrior said meekly feeling very self conscious all of a sudden. The Dark Magician placed a reassuring hand on the elf's shoulder infusing him with the confidence he needed.
"Now that I have your attention." The Celtic Guardian repeated, this time his voice strong and clear. "I'm sure you are wondering what all this is about."
The card spirit took the silence that ensued as an indication that they were indeed wondering this very question. "To put it simply, I'm making a stand..."
The Celtic Guardian explained everything under the intent stare of the yamis and hikaris, his soft, bell like voice sounding the words clearly. The Dark Magician listened carefully and nodded his head with satisfaction. The look on their Master's face showed that he was being affected by Fionn's elegant speech as much as the rest of them. Even the two deranged yamis had been entranced by the elf's words and Anzu had begun blubbering again repeating the word "beautiful" over and over. The dark mage smiled in spite of himself. Things were going to be a lot different within the deck form now but one thing was for certain; the days of Cannon Fodder were over