Title: My Life Again (sequel to 'Only Here')

Author: Zappy Zaps

Summary: Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse than having to live his life again, he was wrong.

Category: Angst

Pairing: P, All

Disclaimer: The Voyager characters and Universe belongs to Paramount, ruler of all things Star Trek.

Oct02/Nov02

Chapter 3

            They called themselves the Ciodek.  They away team didn't know where they came from and they didn't care either.  The most pressing matter at hand was how to get these aliens off their shuttle and get away from them.

            Paris, Martinez and Golwat watched in frustration as one of the intruders opened a supply container and dumped the contents on the floor.  They were seated in the far corner and one of the Ciodek kept a watchful eye on them, disrupter in hand.

            From their position they couldn't see the cock-pit but they could here some commotion from the front area of the ship.  Ensign Martinez leaned to the side to try and get a look but their guard aimed his weapon at the young ensign whose survival instinct was stronger than his curiosity.  With a sigh he went back to his position against the wall.

            "We need to do something," Golwat whispered to Paris.

            Tom looked at her and said, "I'm open to suggestions."  Golwat just shrugged.  She had heard stories about other away missions that Tom had been on and when they had gotten into trouble and many times it was Tom out had gotten them out of the situation; she was hoping this situation would be the same.

            "We just have to wait for it," Tom said softly.  He looked at their guard that was seating himself on a supply container. 

            "Wait for what?" asked Martinez.

            "Our opportunity."

            "Commander, any word from our away team?" Janeway asked as she stepped onto the bridge.  Chakotay was working with Kim at the Ops console.

            "Not yet.  We've scanned along their course heading but a particle storm interfered and we lost their ion trail.  We haven't found anything else," he informed her grimly.

            "Keep searching," Janeway said.

            That evening Harry was in Tom's quarters explaining to Tommy that Tom wouldn't be home for a little while.  The mission was only supposed to take two days, it had been four already.  Chakotay watched the interaction.  Tommy had been quiet lately and Chakotay had worried.  He knew Tommy was suspicious and thought that letting Harry spend some extra time with the child would put him at ease.

            "Harry," Tommy interrupted, "Where's my brother?"

            Harry looked at the commander for a moment before looking back at Tommy.  Harry had been deciding how best to explain to him the situation.  "The mission is taking longer than we thought it would," Harry started.

            "Is he dead Harry?" Tommy asked softly.  He was looking down at his hands that clinched tightly the material of the couch.  Despite his age, Tommy was well acquainted with death.  When he was two, his mother died and although he didn't know the details, or care to know them, he knew he never wanted anyone to die, and he'd do anything to prevent it.

            "Tommy," Harry said and moved so that he was directly in front of the little boy. "Tom, will be home very soon.  He's fine." Harry assured.  Tommy wasn't sure whether he should believe him or not but his optimism won out and he smiled.

            "Okay."

            Harry smiled, feeling a little relieved.  Tommy was fine for now and Harry could concentrate of finding the missing away team.  "I have to get back to work.  I'll meet you two in the messhall for dinner," Harry said.  Tommy nodded.  "Are you sure you're alright?" Harry asked.  Tommy just nodded again.  Sure he was worried but he trusted Harry.

            As Harry was leaving he hoped that Tom really was alive or he'll have lost his best friend and Tommy would never trust him again.

            "Look at this!" one of the Ciodek yelled to his comrades as he walked into the room with the Voyager officers.  In his hand was the teddy bear that Tommy had given to Tom.  "We were looking through your belongings and found this stowaway," the alien said.  Tom glared at him.  Martinez and Golwat looked at Tom knowing that the stuffed animal wasn't theirs.

            Tom stood up and ignored the guard who aimed the disruptor at him.  He boldly walked over to the man holding his brother's bear.  Tom glared at him for a few moments before snatching the bear from his hand and walking back to his previous position.  He sat down and placed the bear next to him, ignoring the Ciodek.

            "We should go find your ship and trade with them," one of the codiek said, "we have three, no four hostages." The laughter of the alien intruders filled the small shuttle but Tom had tuned them out.  It was coming, he just had to wait.  The other Ciodek started to leave the room, still laughing at Tom and him inanimate companion.

            The guard that was supposed to be watching the Voyager officers was busy laughing and didn't notice when Tom stood and approached him. When he looked back to his hostages his view was obscured.  Before he had a chance to look up a sharp pain exploded at the side of his head and he lost consciousness.

            Tom stood over the inert form shaking his right hand.  He had managed to drop the guard with one punch but it had hurt like hell.  His knuckles were bleeding and he wondered if he had broken something in his hand.

            "Well," he looked back to Golwat and Martinez who were still seated on the floor, "this is it," Tom told them.  He took the disruptor from the guard.

            "Our opportunity?" Golwat asked as she looked at the fallen Ciodek.

            "Sometimes you have to make them," Tom said as they headed for the cock-pit.

            It was nearly 0000 and Chakotay was just settling down to bed.  Actually he was sleeping on Tom's couch.  He had been up late reading reports, giving report, and writing reports in an effort to help the search for the missing away team.

            It had been a long day, especially when juggling his duties to the ship and his duties to a five-year-old.  Chakotay wondered how Tom managed to do it and make it look so easy.

            "Kim to Chakotay,"

            "What is it, Harry?" Chakotay answered quietly. Tommy was just in the other room sleeping.

            "We have the shuttle on sensors, it's coming our way," Kim reported.

            Chakotay sat up on couch. "Are they within hailing range?"

            "Yes, we've already spoken to them.  They're in good condition; a few minor injuries but their fine.  Apparently, they were boarded by some people calling themselves the Ciodek," Harry said.

            "When they're in ranged, transport them to sickbay and tractor the shuttle into the shuttle bay.  I'll inform the Captain."

            "Aye, sir. Kim out."

            Chakotay started getting dressed unaware that Tommy had been awake and listening to the entire conversation.

            A few minutes later the away team was back on Voyager and Chakotay had briefed Kathryn on the events.  Chakotay was needed on the bridge again and had asked Neelix to watch Tommy for a few hours.  Of course the talaxian was eager to help in anyway possible and had agreed.

            Chakotay walked into the Tommy's room just to check on the boy, but to his surprise, there was nobody there.  "Tommy?" Chakotay called, hoping to here a response.  "Computer, location of Tommy Paris."

            "Tommy Paris is on deck five, section four." 

            "Sickbay,"

            For the time of day, sickbay was crowded.  The three officers from the away team, along with Kes, the Doctor and Captain Janeway were all there.  Thankfully, the injuries sustained were minor and easily healed.  Captain Janeway was talking to Lt. Paris when the doors to sickbay opened. Kathryn turned expecting it to be Chakotay or  Harry but instead the form of a small child darted into the room and straight to Tom.

            "Tommy!" Tom said slightly surprised. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Tom asked.  Tommy was hugging his leg and Tom had to pry his little arms off just to pick him up.

            "You're late!" Tommy said angrily.

            "I'm sorry. We had some difficulties," Tom explained.

            Tommy accepted the answer. He was just happy that his brother and best friend was back.  He leaned his head against Tom's shoulder.

            Kathryn contacted Chakotay, knowing that he'd be looking for Tommy.  A few seconds later.  Chakotay walked into sickbay and was relieved to find Tommy there.

            "He got away from you?" Kathryn joked.

            Chakotay just shook his head in disbelief.  He hadn't heard Tommy leave.  "If at five years old, he can sneak out of bed, out of his quarters and travel two decks unnoticed, it's no wonder his adult counterpart gets himself in trouble so easily."

            "Commander," Tom addressed the senior officer, "thank you for taking care of him."

            Chakotay gave him a smile. "You're welcome."  After a pause he added, "It was four days full of discoveries."

            The statement made Tom wary but when he saw the expression on the commanders face he knew it was nothing grave.  "It seems you've been hiding your true talents Mr. Paris."  Tom looked at the Captain and then back to Chakotay.  He still didn't know what the Commander was referring to.

            "True talent?" Tom asked.

            "According to Tommy, you sing to him when he can't sleep," Chakotay said.  Tommy had asked Chakotay to sing to him a few nights ago but Chakotay would be the first one to admit that he can't carry a tune.

            Tom looked to his young doppelganger and whispered: "That was supposed to be our secret."  Tommy just smiled at him.

            The next day Tom was taking Tommy to the mess hall for lunch.   They received many curious glances as they went.  The conversation between the two seemed to be looped.

            "I wanna fly," Tommy would say.

            "No." Tom would respond.

            "Please…"

            "No."

            "I wanna fly," and so on.  Tom had stopped giving his brother an explanation since Tommy didn't seem to care for an explanation he just wanted to fly.  Tom sighed when Tommy persisted to ask the same question over and over again.

            They walked into the messhall and Tommy didn't stop asking even while they got their meals.  Neelix smiled at the pair while Tom continued his one word reply.  After a few minutes Tommy stopped asking and ate his meal while sulking.  They were soon joined by Harry and B'Elanna who immediately noticed little Tommy's mood.  They looked to Tom for an explanation but he just shook his head not wanting to restart the argument.

            "Captain Paris, let me fly," Tommy suddenly said.

            Tom looked at him for a moment before going back to his meal.

            "Tom maybe you should…" Harry started but trailed off.

            "Should what let him pilot a shuttle?  I think he's a little young for that," Tom said sounding rather defensive.  For whatever reason this topic was irritating Tom and at the mention of Captain Paris, Tom's grip on his utensil tightened until the fork was on the verge of snapping.

            Tommy had settled down to sleep and Tom was ready to do the same.  The conversation from the mess hall earlier that day was still plague his thoughts.  Maybe he should let Tommy fly a shuttle in the holodeck, of course the Captain would never let him.  Tom put away a few of Tommy's toys before he stepped on them, again.

            'Captain Paris let me fly,' the words kept ringing in his ear.  It shouldn't bother him so much but Tom couldn't help it.  Flying was all he was good at, he was a failure in everything else, or so he was told.  Tommy didn't have to be bounded by the limitations that their father had imposed.

            The chime interrupted him and Tom called for the person to enter.  Harry walked in and greeted his friend.

            "Hey Harry," Tom said tiredly.

            "You okay?"

            "Sure," Tom said with his classic nonchalant attitude.

            "Are you going to bed?  It's still early," Harry asked.  He knew Tom didn't sleep a lot and it was only 2130.  He'd likely be awake again by 0400 if not earlier.

            "Not yet, but soon."

            "So…have you and Tommy come to a resolution yet?"

            "Sort of," Tom replied.

            Harry sat himself one the edge of the sofa, hands clasped together in front of him.  "Sort of?"

            "I just think that…."

            "…that your capable of more?" Harry finished for him.  Tom finally turned to face him after putting some toys away and was about to correct him but he quickly realised the truth to his words.

            "I don't want to limit him.  That's all."

            Harry let it rest there.  Though he hid it well, Harry could see that Tommy was a hardship even if it was one he freely accepted.  Not only was taking care of a child on your own very difficult but when that child was identical to Tom in almost everyway, it only made the situation worse.

            Harry had known early on that Tom didn't have a great home life despite what everybody chose to believe.  Today when he had heard Tommy address his father as Captain Paris, Harry had to wonder just how bad it was and if Tom's reluctance to talk about it was any indication, he hoped that Tommy would not gain those memories.

            Tommy had started his schooling on Voyager but it wasn't going very smoothly.  Ensign Mathers, a volunteer teacher for Tommy and Naomi reported that Tommy was struggling with his work.  She didn't understand why and the Doctor's tests didn't detect and learning disabilities.  In fact all of the Doctor's tests had indicated that Tommy was a very bright child.  During all this Tom watched as they tried to determine the cause for Tommy's less than stellar marks.

            Tom had hoped that Tommy would snap out of it himself but it seemed he would need a push in the right direction.  Tommy was looking at his work but didn't attempt to do it.  Tom sat next to him on the couch.

            "Tommy, I know you can do this," Tom said.  It wasn't just encouragement and wishful thinking, it was a fact.  Tom knew that Tommy could do this work he just didn't want to and Tom understood why.  It was partly for fear of failure but even more so because of what Captain Paris did when Tom did fail at something and so he preferred not to try.  In either case Tom still got in trouble but to his young mind at the time, not trying seemed like as good a choice as any.

            "I can't," Tommy whispered.

            "Yes you can," Tom said patiently.  "It's alright if you don't get it right away.  This is hard stuff.  It's okay to make mistakes, you just need to learn from them."

            Tommy shook head "He'll get mad at me," Tommy said quietly.  He looked down at his hands as they had suddenly become the most interesting things in the world.

            "I understand Tommy." Tom kissed his brother on the top of his head and decided to put the little book away.  They work on it again later.  It would take more than one night to reverse a defence mechanism.

            "I hate him!" Tommy yelled again.  Tom watched him pace unable to help him.  Tommy had to find his own answers and Tom fervently hoped his brother would find better ones than he did.

            Tommy suddenly stopped pacing and faced his older brother. "Why did he do this?"

            "I don't know," Tom answered looking at the carpet.  Tommy sighed and sat next to him on the couch.

            "I don't understand," he said.  Tom looked over at him and in his eyes there was still a hint of confusion in his eyes.  "What did I do?"

            "You didn't do anything wrong," Tom tried to assure but he didn't sound all that convincing.  Truth was, Tom had always blamed himself.  He wasn't strong enough, he wasn't smart enough and that's why his father hated him and hurt him.

            A single tear traced the curve of the younger one's cheek, "Then why didn't he love me?"

            Tom pulled his brother into his arms and held him as he cried.  An all too familiar feeling of helplessness engulfed him as Tommy emptied his grief to the person he trusted most.  Tommy was now the equivalent of eight years old but seemed to be gaining memories faster than he was aging.  Tom would ask the EMH about that later but there was someone else he had to talk to first.

            "What's this?"  Tommy asked pointing to one of the objects.

            "It's an eagle feather," Chakotay told him.  He picked up the object from his medicine bundle and handed it you the child.  Tommy carefully took the object from him.  Chakotay watched as Tommy examined every inch of it before gently brushing his fingers across it.  A smile graced his angelic features and Chakotay couldn't help but smile as well.

            The crew was on shore leave on an uninhabited paradise.  For once they were in no immediate danger and could finally let their guard down and relax at least for a short while.  Even the Captain was taking a much-needed break.  A skeleton crew kept Voyager running while the rest of the crew took shifts on the planets surface.  The majority of the crew went to tropical area of the planet but much of the crew was drawn to the planets untouched wilderness with its near endless forest and pristine rivers.

            One area was particularly inviting and much of Voyager crew had gone there and among them was Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Paris and his little brother.

            Commander Chakotay had at first come for some solitude near a small waterfall but Tommy and Tom had stumbled upon him during their hike and Tommy had taken great interest in the Commander's medicine bundle.  Chakotay didn't seem to at all mind Tommy's questions but Tom still kept his distance from the first officer.

            Tommy continued to ask about the object that Chakotay had but the commander's attention was focussed on Tommy's brother.  He was unusually quiet and it was a trend in the lieutenant's behaviour that Chakotay had noticed in the past few weeks.

            Tom sat at the edge of the embankment tossing stones into the pool of water before him, every so often looking back to check that Tommy was still okay and not bothering the Commander.

            Chakotay left Tommy with his medicine bundle looking at his river stone and went to see Tom.  Paris heard him coming and turned to face him.  The first thought that ran through Tom's mind was what had he done now, until it occurred to Tom that he hadn't done anything.  Still Tom went on his guard and Chakotay notice the minute change.

            "How are you doing Tom?" Chakotay uncharacteristically enquired into Tom's welfare.

            Tom gave him a once over before evenly responding that he was fine.  Chakotay's behaviour only made Tom more suspicious.  He and Chakotay were by no means friends and Tom didn't expect it to ever happen.  There were too many unresolved issues and betrayals.

            "Are you sure?  You seem a little tired," Chakotay said trying to sound neutral.  Tom was usually able to pick up on underlying feelings no matter how well they were masked.  Chakotay wasn't sure whether it was a trait that Tom had kept from his childhood or one he developed over his eventful life.

            Before Tom could automatically dismiss his worries, Tommy came running over.  "Look at this!" he said excitedly showing them a small lizard in his hands.  "It's like a gecko.  I think it eats small bugs!"  Tommy started rambling on about the small animal and Chakotay observed subtle change in Tom's expression as well.  Where there was once turmoil there was now peace and for a brief moment Tommy's presence calmed Tom.

            Tom couldn't help notice how well Chakotay and Tommy got along.  Maybe it wasn't in his genetic structure to piss off the Commander.  Tom couldn't peg exactly why the Commander's presence put him on the defensive, it just did.  He knew that there was more to it than just unsettled differences.  Tommy however did not react to the Commander like that and Chakotay seemed to genuinely like Tommy.  The two of them had conversed on several occasions.

            Tommy went to release the small animal near a grove of leafy plants leaving the adults alone.  Tom figured that this would be as good a time as any to address his request to the Commander.

            "Commander," Tom started but was interrupted.

            "You can call me Chakotay when were off duty," Chakotay suggested.  Tom just looked at the other man for a moment before nodding.

            "You'll have to give me a while to get used to that." Tom said before getting back to the other issue. "I was hoping that… you could help Tommy."

            "I don't understand."

            Tom looked at the waterfall to collect his thoughts before turning his gaze back to Chakotay.  "He's going to need someone to look up to and….he respects you."

            Chakotay could not believe what he was hearing.  Tom Paris was asking for his help.  Did Tom really trust him enough to help care for Tommy.  Sure Chakotay had looked after the child when Tom went on that away mission but that was different.

            Chakotay interrupted Tom. "Wait a minute.  Why don't you ask Harry?"

            Tom gave Chakotay a look that seemed to ask if he was really that thick headed.  "Don't get me wrong.  Harry's a great friend but there are things that I can't talk to him about.  And there are more things that I won't talk to him about."

            "But you'd talk to me?" Chakotay asked already knowing that Tom would never divulge any personal information unless he had to.

            "Hell no, but Tommy might."

            "And you don't mind Tommy talking to me?"

            "He's going to need somebody other than me to….look up to.  I don't think he needs a counsellor just a friend with some good insights.  He's going to ask all the same questions that I asked myself, I just hope he finds some better answers."

            After their short conversation and after taking a few minutes to think about it Chakotay realised that there wasn't much to think about.  He liked Tommy and while he couldn't say the same thing about Tom, he genuinely commended the lieutenant for making so many personal sacrifices so that his little brother would be better off; of those sacrifices his privacy was slowly becoming one of them.  Chakotay decided to help Tommy but his role would be more like that of a mentor and friend and less like a counsellor.

            Chakotay still thought that Tommy would eventually benefit from counselling even if the commander wasn't the right person to be doing it.  Seeing as he and Paris had a rather rocky history and Tommy may recall some of it; but who knows.  Maybe Tommy will be able to answer some of the question Chakotay still had.

End Chapter 3

Sorry it's taken so long to update.  I've been…..busy…..yeah, busy! :) I'll try to get the next chapter posted sooner along with the last chapter to the Nameless Series (it's almost done).  Hey Katta15, I'm taking you up on your deal.  I finish Nameless and you finish one of your stories too!  Bye for now!  -Zaps