1991
Sirius' Point of View
The shadows mock me, taunt me, and lure me out of my bed in their savage attempt at my life. A single howl at the moon, made by some lonely wolf, makes me think of him, my heart race and my stomach lurch forward.
Moony isn't here. He never was and never should be. He didn't kill anyone. I did; I'm to blame. Nothing can change that. Nothing can bring James and Lily back… There's nothing in the world that can make me clean again, nothing that can make me whole again, fresh and innocent.
As I wallow in self-pity, I realize the truth. "Remus…" I whisper. "Remus…"
Remus will never know. He'll never know the truth, how hard I tried to save him. I bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry. The dementors will never break me like that; I won't let them do that to me.
Remus won't know about Peter. He'll live his life thinking Peter was a hero, some kind of saint or martyr, not the murderer he really is.
Peter will get away with it. He will grin his sick, twisted little grin and laugh his sad little laugh. His eyes will glaze over, burning red with bottled hatred. He'll kill again. Men and women, muggle and magical, all will be killed. Their lives will play the forfeit of my foolish faith.
The world as we know it will fall, and for what? For what cause did James die? For what do I rot in this cell?
I know the answer now, it seems so simple to me: love. As ignorant as he was, Peter was not stupid. He saw the way Remus looked at James, the love so hollow and empty, unfulfilled and waster. It disgusted him to know his friend loved a man so.
Remus loved James. So bloody much, he'd dies for James, given the chance. Nothing anyone could ever do or say would change that.
But James loved Lily, red hair, green eyes and a smile so bright it rivaled the sun.
I was the one who loved Remus. As a best mate and as a mate, I loved him. Remus' voice, his smell, his touch… each seemed divinely inspired to me.
I kissed him once, so soft and delicate, and said "I love you." He nodded his head and held me close. He said he loved me too.
Wet runs down my cheeks. I'm crying. Damn it. The dementors surround me, checking for traces of happiness in my tears. But there are none. Remus couldn't have meant it.
It's just… what if he did? What if, all those years, he loved me too? I don't know; I don't have to know. I'll die before leaving this place.