Chapter 5
Who You've REALLY Been Undressing In Front Of
By Ailuj
Based on the movie
The Fellowship had been in Lothlorien for over a month, and Mela was getting restless. Sure, it was nice to have a real(ish) bed and everything, but other things outweighed that. For instance, Mela couldn't stand being around Galadriel and Celeborn, and she was sick of dealing with all of the other elves mourning for Gandalf. Sweet at first, but relentless moaning got on a girl's nerves! So it was with overall relief that Mela greeted Galadriel's announcement.
"Attention Fellowship! I am sick of you hanging around here eating my food, so I'm going to give you three boats and some cloaks. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not giving you these things because I like you; I am giving them to get rid of you. So go away now!"
The Fellowship then piled into the boats and left Lothlorien.
"The stingy miser," muttered Frodo. "Only three boats! I have to share with the other lower life forms, which is *not* something anyone would condone if they really thought about it."
"Oh, shut up Frodo!" Mela cried, thoroughly fed up with his whining.
"You insult the Ring bearer!" Merry gasped in shock. "You must be punished!"
"Merry is right, for once," stated Aragorn. "You will be deprived of your hairspray for three days."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mela shrieked. "Anything but that!" But the Company was already heading down the river.
"Ha, ha!" Frodo said.
Mela glared at him.
"You tell him, Your Highness!" Sam chirped two boats over.
Mela kept glaring at Frodo, now stealing intervals at Sam.
"Merry," Frodo said lazily, "Legolas is glaring at me."
Merry called over to Aragorn, "Aragorn! Legolas is glaring at the Ring bearer!"
Aragorn zipped his shifty eyes over to Mela. "Is this true?" he snapped.
"No," Mela said sweetly, "I was admiring his beautiful curls."
"Oh, that's all right, then," said Frodo, "In fact, I order you to gaze dreamily at my gorgeous locks of curly hair all day!" Frodo sat back, obviously pleased with himself.
Glaring at Frodo was not nearly as fun as it had been now that Mela was commanded to do so. She sighed, and daydreamed, pretending to be 'gazing dreamily at his gorgeous locks of curly hair.'
In reality, she was thinking, "GAG ME WITH A SPOON!"
For the rest of the day Mela sulked, both at her hairspray deprivation and being forced to paddle, possibly forming (gasp!) calluses. She ignored the rest of the Fellowship even while they were setting up camp.
"Legolas, come help me think in peace," ordered Frodo. Mela rolled her eyes, but did as she was told. While they were in the woods, Boromir came upon them.
"Hello, Legolas," he said, and then went on to wrestle Frodo to the ground.
"Whoa, Boromir!" Frodo said. "Sorry to break it to you, but I really don't feel that way about you!"
"What are you talking about, shorty? I just want the ring!"
"Liar!" Frodo said, on the verge of tears, "You love me, and you know it, and you're wrestling me because you know that you can never have me!"
"Dude, I'm serious," Boromir said, still working on pinning down Frodo, "all I want is that pretty, shinny thing in your pocket."
Frodo began to cry. "I . . . I . . . I thought you *fancied* me," he sobbed.
Boromir wasn't listening. He couldn't hear, in fact, because he had gotten out a chain saw and was trying to (carefully) saw apart Frodo's shirt to get to the Ring. That velvet is very tough.
"I order you to change your motive!" Frodo yelled, finally in denial.
"No!" Boromir said, shocked. (he had turned off the chain saw)
"I . . . I order you to fall in love with me!" Frodo said again, exasperated.
"Fine," said Boromir, finally standing up, "I'll leave you alone. But I refuse to be ordered around like that. I'm gonna go put myself in a life- threatening situation!"
"Fine!" Frodo called after him. "Legolas, comfort me."
Frodo broke down in tears, but was aided by no one.
Mela had taken Boromir's attempted "rape" (as Frodo would have wanted it described) as an opportunity to escape back to camp. As she entered the clearing where they had stayed, she stood still in shock. Legolas was standing there! The REAL Legolas! Merry walked past her as she stood still in shock.
"Hi Legolas," he said. He walked past her brother. "Hi Legolas. Wait a second." but Mela had already bolted for the woods.
She hadn't gotten far before she crashed headfirst into Boromir. He caught her by the shoulder and looked manically into her eyes.
"Legolas," he said, "I haven't seen your sister yet, but when I do, I swear to you that I will blow my horn of Gondor in her ear! I can't believe that she did that! And you want to know something really, REALLY embarrassing?"
Mela nodded excitedly, ignoring that Boromir thought she was Legolas. She loved gossip!
"Well you know how I corrected her all of the time because she was such a complete and total idiot?" Boromir continued.
Mela scowled, but nodded.
"She was right once!" He looked horrified. "It was in Moria, when she strung her bow. *I've* never used a bow before; how should I know how it works? She was really irritating me because she kept checking her hair in my shield, so I told her that she was holding her bow the wrong way, even though I had no idea! And she was holding it the right way!"
He looked as if was tragic, but Mela's face broke into a smile. "Really?" she squeaked.
Boromir sadly nodded. "I was . . . I was . . . was . . . *wrong,*" he said, miserably. Poor Boromir. That kind of thing always happened to perfectionists. Mela left him to be in his depression.
Back at the campsite, Legolas was explaining what had happened. "Woe! My twin sister, Mela, maliciously struck me from behind and took my place in this grand and noble journey." Mela rolled her eyes, watching from behind the trees. She had nearly forgotten how much Legolas annoyed her. He was such a dork!
However, that did not solve her immediate problem: getting away from everyone else and still getting Frodo to marry her. She turned her attention back to the campsite.
"Mela saw me taking a bath! I knew it was unlucky. First bath in 20 years and a *girl* sees me," cried Aragorn. Then, as if struck in complete shock, he went white and started muttering and pacing nervously, "I *hope* she doesn't talk to Arwen before we get married!"
"I have a confession," said Merry, as if he were some sort of hero.
The fellowship (and Legolas) turned towards him.
"I'm a girl, too!" Merry said proudly.
Once he saw that no one else was "confessing," he looked around, confused. "What? Is this, like, not that type of movie where in the end everyone turns out to be the weird one?"
"No, pipsqueak," said Legolas irritably.
"I shared my beard-braiding techniques with a *girl*? I knew she had a feminine knowledge of hair!"
Mela chuckled slightly at this one, thinking of the implications toward Gimli himself, as he also had an extensive knowledge of hair techniques and products.
However, Sam was the worst, thinking that Mela masquerading as Legolas was betrayal of Lord Frodo. After the wrath of Lord Frodo had broken over the camp through Sam, they heard a peculiar noise. Everyone turned toward Pippin accusingly.
"Guys, it wasn't me, I swear!" he said.
"Wait, doesn't that sound like Boromir's dealie? You know, the horn of Gondor?" Without further ado they rushed out, leaving Mela alone to think in peace.
"Oh my, what to do now?" she wondered. After much thinking, she decided to remain true to the prophecy and try to marry Frodo. Therefore, logically, she had to remain with him and win his heart. So, she decided that the best plan of action would be to wait for his return. He had left the crown Gimli made for him out of paper mache behind, so she was sure that he would return.
Lalala. Yawn. Could things get any more boring? Even that boat moving by itself down the bank looked dull. wait a second.
"Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" Damn. Sam (who Mela thought was Frodo) looked like he was determined to come along, and as Mela was trying to get *married* here, she would *appreciate* it if. deep breaths, Mela, she told herself. You can get married to him even with that pesky Sam around.
Who You've REALLY Been Undressing In Front Of
By Ailuj
Based on the movie
The Fellowship had been in Lothlorien for over a month, and Mela was getting restless. Sure, it was nice to have a real(ish) bed and everything, but other things outweighed that. For instance, Mela couldn't stand being around Galadriel and Celeborn, and she was sick of dealing with all of the other elves mourning for Gandalf. Sweet at first, but relentless moaning got on a girl's nerves! So it was with overall relief that Mela greeted Galadriel's announcement.
"Attention Fellowship! I am sick of you hanging around here eating my food, so I'm going to give you three boats and some cloaks. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not giving you these things because I like you; I am giving them to get rid of you. So go away now!"
The Fellowship then piled into the boats and left Lothlorien.
"The stingy miser," muttered Frodo. "Only three boats! I have to share with the other lower life forms, which is *not* something anyone would condone if they really thought about it."
"Oh, shut up Frodo!" Mela cried, thoroughly fed up with his whining.
"You insult the Ring bearer!" Merry gasped in shock. "You must be punished!"
"Merry is right, for once," stated Aragorn. "You will be deprived of your hairspray for three days."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mela shrieked. "Anything but that!" But the Company was already heading down the river.
"Ha, ha!" Frodo said.
Mela glared at him.
"You tell him, Your Highness!" Sam chirped two boats over.
Mela kept glaring at Frodo, now stealing intervals at Sam.
"Merry," Frodo said lazily, "Legolas is glaring at me."
Merry called over to Aragorn, "Aragorn! Legolas is glaring at the Ring bearer!"
Aragorn zipped his shifty eyes over to Mela. "Is this true?" he snapped.
"No," Mela said sweetly, "I was admiring his beautiful curls."
"Oh, that's all right, then," said Frodo, "In fact, I order you to gaze dreamily at my gorgeous locks of curly hair all day!" Frodo sat back, obviously pleased with himself.
Glaring at Frodo was not nearly as fun as it had been now that Mela was commanded to do so. She sighed, and daydreamed, pretending to be 'gazing dreamily at his gorgeous locks of curly hair.'
In reality, she was thinking, "GAG ME WITH A SPOON!"
For the rest of the day Mela sulked, both at her hairspray deprivation and being forced to paddle, possibly forming (gasp!) calluses. She ignored the rest of the Fellowship even while they were setting up camp.
"Legolas, come help me think in peace," ordered Frodo. Mela rolled her eyes, but did as she was told. While they were in the woods, Boromir came upon them.
"Hello, Legolas," he said, and then went on to wrestle Frodo to the ground.
"Whoa, Boromir!" Frodo said. "Sorry to break it to you, but I really don't feel that way about you!"
"What are you talking about, shorty? I just want the ring!"
"Liar!" Frodo said, on the verge of tears, "You love me, and you know it, and you're wrestling me because you know that you can never have me!"
"Dude, I'm serious," Boromir said, still working on pinning down Frodo, "all I want is that pretty, shinny thing in your pocket."
Frodo began to cry. "I . . . I . . . I thought you *fancied* me," he sobbed.
Boromir wasn't listening. He couldn't hear, in fact, because he had gotten out a chain saw and was trying to (carefully) saw apart Frodo's shirt to get to the Ring. That velvet is very tough.
"I order you to change your motive!" Frodo yelled, finally in denial.
"No!" Boromir said, shocked. (he had turned off the chain saw)
"I . . . I order you to fall in love with me!" Frodo said again, exasperated.
"Fine," said Boromir, finally standing up, "I'll leave you alone. But I refuse to be ordered around like that. I'm gonna go put myself in a life- threatening situation!"
"Fine!" Frodo called after him. "Legolas, comfort me."
Frodo broke down in tears, but was aided by no one.
Mela had taken Boromir's attempted "rape" (as Frodo would have wanted it described) as an opportunity to escape back to camp. As she entered the clearing where they had stayed, she stood still in shock. Legolas was standing there! The REAL Legolas! Merry walked past her as she stood still in shock.
"Hi Legolas," he said. He walked past her brother. "Hi Legolas. Wait a second." but Mela had already bolted for the woods.
She hadn't gotten far before she crashed headfirst into Boromir. He caught her by the shoulder and looked manically into her eyes.
"Legolas," he said, "I haven't seen your sister yet, but when I do, I swear to you that I will blow my horn of Gondor in her ear! I can't believe that she did that! And you want to know something really, REALLY embarrassing?"
Mela nodded excitedly, ignoring that Boromir thought she was Legolas. She loved gossip!
"Well you know how I corrected her all of the time because she was such a complete and total idiot?" Boromir continued.
Mela scowled, but nodded.
"She was right once!" He looked horrified. "It was in Moria, when she strung her bow. *I've* never used a bow before; how should I know how it works? She was really irritating me because she kept checking her hair in my shield, so I told her that she was holding her bow the wrong way, even though I had no idea! And she was holding it the right way!"
He looked as if was tragic, but Mela's face broke into a smile. "Really?" she squeaked.
Boromir sadly nodded. "I was . . . I was . . . was . . . *wrong,*" he said, miserably. Poor Boromir. That kind of thing always happened to perfectionists. Mela left him to be in his depression.
Back at the campsite, Legolas was explaining what had happened. "Woe! My twin sister, Mela, maliciously struck me from behind and took my place in this grand and noble journey." Mela rolled her eyes, watching from behind the trees. She had nearly forgotten how much Legolas annoyed her. He was such a dork!
However, that did not solve her immediate problem: getting away from everyone else and still getting Frodo to marry her. She turned her attention back to the campsite.
"Mela saw me taking a bath! I knew it was unlucky. First bath in 20 years and a *girl* sees me," cried Aragorn. Then, as if struck in complete shock, he went white and started muttering and pacing nervously, "I *hope* she doesn't talk to Arwen before we get married!"
"I have a confession," said Merry, as if he were some sort of hero.
The fellowship (and Legolas) turned towards him.
"I'm a girl, too!" Merry said proudly.
Once he saw that no one else was "confessing," he looked around, confused. "What? Is this, like, not that type of movie where in the end everyone turns out to be the weird one?"
"No, pipsqueak," said Legolas irritably.
"I shared my beard-braiding techniques with a *girl*? I knew she had a feminine knowledge of hair!"
Mela chuckled slightly at this one, thinking of the implications toward Gimli himself, as he also had an extensive knowledge of hair techniques and products.
However, Sam was the worst, thinking that Mela masquerading as Legolas was betrayal of Lord Frodo. After the wrath of Lord Frodo had broken over the camp through Sam, they heard a peculiar noise. Everyone turned toward Pippin accusingly.
"Guys, it wasn't me, I swear!" he said.
"Wait, doesn't that sound like Boromir's dealie? You know, the horn of Gondor?" Without further ado they rushed out, leaving Mela alone to think in peace.
"Oh my, what to do now?" she wondered. After much thinking, she decided to remain true to the prophecy and try to marry Frodo. Therefore, logically, she had to remain with him and win his heart. So, she decided that the best plan of action would be to wait for his return. He had left the crown Gimli made for him out of paper mache behind, so she was sure that he would return.
Lalala. Yawn. Could things get any more boring? Even that boat moving by itself down the bank looked dull. wait a second.
"Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" Damn. Sam (who Mela thought was Frodo) looked like he was determined to come along, and as Mela was trying to get *married* here, she would *appreciate* it if. deep breaths, Mela, she told herself. You can get married to him even with that pesky Sam around.